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Brandon Muller



Last Updated: 11/29/2009

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Status: Single
City: LAS VEGAS
State: NEVADA
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/21/2006

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Tuesday, February 09, 2010 
LAS VEGAS, NV -- Residents of this renowned tourist mecca are upset over President Barack Obama's recent comment that he hopes his daughters never have a "quickie wedding in Las Vegas."

The remark came Sunday night during a state dinner when a reporter overheard Obama talking to his wife Michelle about the type of wedding he would like their daughters, Sasha and Malia, to have one day. Obama said, "Hopefully, they'll each have a big ceremony in Hawaii and not some quickie wedding in Las Vegas."

Reaction from Nevada politicians, who already feel victimized by two previously perceived Obama slights against Las Vegas, was immediate.

"Does Obama think before he speaks?" asked Gov. Jim Gibbons. "Now no one will ever get married in Las Vegas ever again. We are ruined."

"How dare he insult the hard-working men and women of our fine Sin City!" said Rep. Dina Titus. "Our image depends upon negative words never being spoken about us. This is an outrage!"

For a city known as the "Marriage Capital of the World", Obama's smear could not come at a worse time with Valentine's Day, one of the busiest wedding days of the year, less than a week away.

"The fallout has already begun," said Scarlett Richards, owner of the Little White Wedding Chapel. "I've already had two couples cancel. I didn't ask, but they sounded like the type who'd vote for Obama. So, you know, put two and two together."

Richards says it's not just wedding chapel owners who will take a hit. Cake decorators, limo drivers, Elvis impersonators, and annulment lawyers are just some of the jobs expected to be negatively impacted by the President's statement.

"Obama is destroying our livelihood with his offensive remarks!" said Rep. Shelley Berkley. "Personally, I'd rather use the drive thru at any of the classy chapels here in Las Vegas than stand around in some Hawaiian paradise with the sun glaring in my eyes."

Some Nevada politicians have reacted more strongly than others.

"I will kill him with my bare hands!" screamed Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman after a reporter asked him what he thought of the President's latest comment. Then, after a soothing martini, Goodman asked, "So, uh, what did he say this time?"

After hearing the President's remark, a red-faced Goodman took a deep breath and lifted his martini glass in a toasting gesture. His head promptly exploded.

A memorial service will be held Thursday. To honor his memory, the city plans to never welcome the Obamas if they choose to renew their vows in Las Vegas.

Celebrities have also weighed in on the controversy.

"Why does Barack Obama hate Las Vegas?" asked Britney Spears. "I was married there for one weekend. Didn't harm me any."

"Obama has insulted Las Vegas a 3rd time!!" tweeted gossip columnist Robin Leach. "BTW, former playmate Holly Madison is dining with troubled starlett Lindsay Lohan at FIX right now."

Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, a lifelong resident of Nevada sent a note to the President asking him if he knew that Reid was up for re-election this year.

"I don't think the President realizes how influential his opinions are," said Reid. "Americans will do anything he says. If only he used that incredible power for good!
 
12:33 PM 
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Saturday, February 06, 2010 
LOS ANGELES, CA -- One year after deleting his MySpace account, Joe Hansell, 32, still feels pride whenever he gets the chance to tell someone about his monumental social networking decision.

"There's no better feeling in the world then letting someone know that you no longer have a MySpace profile," gushes Hansell. "It'll feel even better now that I can say it's been a year."

Hansell's life without MySpace began on February 5th, 2009, after almost one year of constantly mentioning to his friends that he was thinking about deleting his account.

"I used to say that since I hardly logged in anymore, I might as well just delete the damn thing," recalls Hansell. "But the pleasure I got from that wasn't enough. I had to go all the way."

While it only took Hansell a few minutes to delete his profile, spreading the news about his decision has kept him busy. Immediately after shutting down his MySpace, Hansell announced his accomplishment on Facebook and Twitter where his friends and followers congratulated him on the important milestone.

"Finally decided to delete my MySpace profile. Feels like a great burden has been lifted. Goodbye Tom!" stated the groundbreaking status update/tweet. Ever since that day, whenever MySpace is mentioned in a real life conversation, Hansell has been able to immediately share his remarkable achievement.

"It never gets old," says Hansell. "Every now and then I come across some self-righteous prick who claims to have never even had a MySpace, but for the most part people are rightly impressed."

Besides the obvious coolness factor, Hansell argues that there are practical reasons for eliminating a MySpace profile such as never again missing a message from friends who have numerous other ways to contact him or no longer being forced by himself to log in and clear out spam friend requests.

He even offers an economic reason to delete a MySpace account.

"I spent years building up my profile with tons of music, photos, graphics, and videos," says Hansell. "If I don't use it, then I'm just wasting server space that News Corp has to pay for."

Adds Hansell, "Why would I want to add unnecessary cost to one of the largest, most profitable companies in the world?"

Hansell is currently joining every new social network he finds, only to delete his account the very next day.

"Next time, I'll be able to say I was the very first."


6:59 AM 
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Thursday, January 28, 2010 
**Whenever I read obituaries in the newspaper, I'm always annoyed at the almost constant omission of the one thing I'd like to know more than anything else: how the person died. I wonder if newspaper obituary writers apply that logic to anything else in life?**

Ned: Cassie, we need to talk.

Cassie: What's going on?

Ned: I'm afraid we have to break up.

Cassie: Oh my god. Why?

Ned: Our relationship was born on January 12, 2004.

Cassie: What?

Ned: It passed away on... [glances at cell phone] ...January 27th, 2010. It was six years old.

Cassie: Ned, I don't understand. Why are you breaking up with me?

Ned: Our relationship is survived by the memories of our first date at Johnny O's Pizza Parlor, our first kiss at Crystal Lake, the time your parents caught us fooling around in your basement...

Cassie: But why, though? You haven't told me why!

Ned: ...the day we moved in together, the big argument we had about Counter-Strike and the great makeup sex that followed, our camping trip to the mountains, our Valentine's Day scavenger hunt tradition...

Cassie: I don't care about our stupid memories! Please, just tell me why it's ending!

Another couple sits nearby.

Woman: Their relationship is the same age as ours. I would be very interested in knowing exactly what it was that made it fail.

Man: Me too. I'm sure he's getting to it soon.

Ned: ...the midnight walks in Freedom Park, the all-night conversations until sunrise, the just-because greeting cards, and many other fond recollections.

Cassie: I can't believe this! Why won't you tell me?

Ned: Services will be held today at... [looks at cell phone] ...6pm at your best friend's house located at 15663 Elkwood Drive (near Bristol Ave).

Cassie: Are you really going to break up with me without mentioning the reason?

Ned: In lieu of flowers, the memories request to be donated to an Alzheimer's Care Facility.

Cassie: Unbelievable! You're such a jerk!

Cassie leaves in tears.

Ned: Wait. Did I leave something out? [thinks for a moment] No, I'm pretty sure I covered the most important details.

Ned walks away.

Woman: Wow. How could he possibly omit that?

Man: Maybe he thought this wasn't the right place or time.

Woman: That's dumb.

They sit quietly for a minute.

Woman: I've never gotten a "just-because" card.

Man:  Oh, Lord.


3:56 AM 
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