I just found this poem that I wrote in the summer of 06 and liked it.  You don't have to like it or even read it, but just in case you want to, here it is.

         A couple days ago I saw a pigeon in the road.  I was hurring to work and impatiently waiting at a crosswalk when I looked down and saw it. 

        It's always a bit startling to suddenly see a dead animal sitting right there next to you... but then I took a closer look.  Not only was it a dead bird... but it was a dead bird and a cookie.  That pigeon was right on top of the cookie... dead as dead can be.  As far as I could tell, the cookie was still whole and uneaten.

          and I'm not sure what that means, but it just seemed appropriate. 

I heard "The Streets of Philadelphia"
ten thousand feet over Charlotte
caught the red line of the sunrise
could have sworn it was a sunset
it was just too soon

I was staring in the concourse
at an unfamiliar face
waiting for another plane ride
to some unfamiliar place
and when we let go of the runway
and I felt the window sun
I knew I'd wasted the old year
and it was time for a new one

I heard the streets of Macon
they could see my broken spirit
they were telling me to leave
but I was trying not to hear it
cause it was too soon

You were sitting by the window
that night at the bitter end
on the third floor with the thunder
and a half-smoked signature blend
and when you shrugged out of my last hug
and the engine started to run
I knew I didn't need a new year
I needed to redo the old one

All the demons that fought me
forgot about me now
and the angels must have lost me
down out between the crowds
I imagine God's still watching
but all I see is clouds
I would find the silver lining
but I dont remember how sometimes

I heard the streets of seattle
but I didn't pay attention
no one noticed I'd been gone
I thought that I should leave again
but its too soon

There were snowflakes in the streetlights
headphones blocking out the sound
sirens screaming on a cold night
through the buildings of downtown
and when I turned the tv on
and it was gameshows, news, and reruns
I knew it couldn't be a new year
cause it was just like the old one.
  
        

        I wrote this song months ago (probably about 3) but just didn't finish the recording until now.  It was a long process of adding things and taking things away... and its always hard to know when a recording is done. 

        But I think it turned out to be a decent song as a whole... I'm not really sure though cause I haven't played live anywhere since November... so only a few people have even heard this song until now...

         Specifically its about stuff that happened around christmas and new years... but generally its about getting to the end of a year and realizing that my whole last year was pretty much a waste of time.  It's about spending a lot of time and hope on something, and then realizing its just another dead end.  It's a song about feeling invisible... about being lost and out of place... about being worn out and cynical...  and then looking at the next year and expecting things to continue on about the same.

         

        I'm never sure if songs sound quite right... but I guess if it doesn't sound too terrible, people will just assume that's how I meant it to be and they'll get used to it. 
        If you do hear something that doesn't sit well... something that's distracting from the overall song- please send me an email saying what you're listening to it on (car speakers, headphones, etc...) and what stood out as too much or too little or whatever.    I tested it most in headphones, since that's how most people listen to things these days.

          well, its almost 5 in the morning, so I guess its time to get to bed.  I didn't mean to be fighting with the mix all night, but that's how it ended up.  Someday it would be really nice to just write songs and have someone else record and mix it for me.  but that's not going to be happening anytime soon, so hopefully this is good enough.

      best if used before March 27 08... that’s what it says on the bottom of this box of rice a roni.  Of course, I didn’t read that until after I spent a half hour making it. 

       and they were right... it probably should have been eaten before now... because now it tastes old and bad.  damn Grocery Outlet.  I hate the world so much.

          as I was just about back to my apartment building, I looked up and saw a raccoon on a wooden fence.  I dont know what it was doing there, but I waved and said hello like it was a neighbor of mine. 

          Except if it had been a neighbor, I wouldn't have made eye contact or said anything.  So I guess I waved and said hello like it was a raccoon on a fence.

     Malt-o-meal is just an excuse to eat a lot of brown sugar. 

      I made myself a bowl of it tonight, and used a lot of brown sugar... just like I used to do when I was a little kid. 
     
            and eating that bowl of Malt-o-meal brought back the memory of my old red pajamas with the feet in them... because I used to spill malt-o-meal on them and it would leave hard spots in the soft material. 

           that memory has to be from 20 years ago or so... back when we used to live in Oregon. 

           Sometimes I see life like a movie scene...  the camera would be on little me eating a bowl of malt-o-meal in my red pajamas... and it would zoom in on that bowl.  Then it would zoom out of the bowl of malt-o-meal and there would be me now... a lot older and more worn out. 

            but there's little things like that that connect the different points of our lives.

       Last night I woke up from a nap sometime around 6:30 and decided to drive out to Hardee’s for dinner.  It was still raining and I was still half asleep... listening to music and trying to see where the lines on the road were.
       
         There weren’t any other customers when I got there...  just an empty fast food restaurant on a cold and rainy night. 

           I got my combo meal and filled my cup with soda... went and sat down at a table near the wall...  the music seemed like it was playing extra loud.  Maybe it was just that everything else was so quiet.
      
            The first song was Edwin McCain... "...I’ll be your crying shoulder... I’ll be love suicide..."   the next song was Dave Matthews "... the space between your heart and mine..."  

             I started thinking about the past... all the love I’d hoped for and never really found...  all the distance between me and all my friends...  

             I felt lost.  Or maybe I just realized that I was lost.  Lost and worn out...  weary from wanting so much and finding so little. 

              And that lonely fast food restaurant was how I rewarded myself for surviving another week working at the factory... it was what I looked forward to when I was moving 700 pound rolls of plastic and wiping glue off of rollers with hazardous chemicals...  
              How did something so sad and lonely get to be one of the best parts of my week? 


               I finished up and left, but ended up turning onto a different road than the one I had come on.  It seemed like it was going the right dirrection... but it wasnt.  So I drove a long time in the wrong dirrection before turning around at a little gas station on the side of the road.  When I finally got back into town, I was pretty close to my friend’s coffeehouse downtown, so I decided to stop by.

               I hadn’t really been hanging out there anymore...  I’m not sure why exactly.  Things just gradually changed and it wasn’t as inviting as it used to be. 
               It was pretty slow when I got there... Dave was there... but Dave is always there.  And Tee and Alex were there, but they’re always there too, running the place and whatnot.
              So I went in quietly and just sat on the couch for a while... still half stuck in thought and the sleepyness of a rainy night.
               It slowly started to fill up... Jeff showed up and wanted me to play some songs on the piano, so I did.  It’s always nice to get lost in some songs for a while. 

               Somewhere while I was playing, a couple girls came in and started playing chess at a table by the window.  They were very sweet and kind and told me that they really enjoyed the music I was playing... 
             and I started to understand why people fight through the retardedness and complications of relationships...  because, when it comes down to it, its really beautiful to have someone who cares about you...

             The girls left just like they had come... while I was staring at the piano and singing a song...   and that’s how it is for me.  I’m the guy that plays songs in the corner so everyone else can enjoy their lives a bit.  I get to watch it all happening and add in some inspiration...  but I dont get to be a part of it all.

              And then sooner or later I pack up and move on to another place... to haunt more fast food restaurants on rainy nights... to play songs in new corners for different people... knowing that its not for me to be understood. 
              I get some kind words and 5 dollars in a tip cup... and that has to be good enough.  And I guess it will be. 

                Only a few more weeks now before I head out of here... heading for another city and another situation... driving through the winter and seeing old friends along the way.  But I cant stay with them.  I cant really stay anywhere... just keep moving...

             and I’m tired. 
              

         You know, I really want to believe that people just meet... fall in love... and stick together.  I want to believe that people fall in love just because they really like each other.  I want to believe that it's all very simple and beautiful.

         But the truth is that love is a business deal. 
 
           First of all, you have to be qualified.  You have to either have a decent job/career... or be very self confident with a plan of getting a good job/career.  You also need to live in the right place.  If you live too far away, then you can't be considered as a possible candidate.  In fact, you're letters will just be ignored... and so will your phone calls. 

           All the stories about someone being down and out and then finding a love that pulls them out of it... that's rediculous crap. 

           The truth is that the down and out stay down and out. 

            Because you have to get to a place where you dont want or need love before you can be qualified for it.  


             I think though... that if you can find love when you're young... then none of these rules apply.  There's a certain window of opportunity where people still act on impulse and make decisions based on feelings.  It doesn't last long though.

 
              and if you happen to miss that window of opportunity... and you dont care about "good jobs"... and dont portray a lot of self-confidence...

              if you're down and out and alone...  then I'm afraid you're just not qualified for much more than writing. 

      I feel like being romantic today... its been a long long time.  I want to buy flowers and go on movie dates.  I want to take walks and watch sunsets.  I want to get a content little smile just from sitting around talking.

           Tonight I made a bowl of ramen, lit a candle and put on some romantic piano music in my room.  Then I danced around like there was someone with me.  That may sound kinda sad and pathetic... but hey... dreamers will dream.  You cant stop that. 

            Only one more month till fall comes around.  Fall would be the perfect time for romance.... with the colored leaves and cool evenings... hot chocolate and sweatshirts...  it'd be perfect.

              Even if no one comes along, I think I'll probably just do romantic things by myself... just so I dont forget what its like.  I've taken myself on a couple dates before... and it's actually pretty fun.  And walks in the park- I can do that by myself too. 

              So fall should be good, one way or another. 

               For anyone reading this, I hope you find some romance too.  Even if you have to find it alone. 

       Tonight I was watching a movie alone in this little apartment in north hollywood... I sat around here all day trying to think of something to do, but couldn’t come up with anything. 
         There was a scene in the movie where a guy was told to shine some shoes until they looked like mirrors... and suddenly a memory came back to me.  It was a memory of someone I used to know... who I’d say I’m proud to have known.
          Shon Deal.

           The memory that came back to me was of a particular night well over a year ago.  I had a date that evening.  I got dressed up fairly fancy... as fancy as you can get in thrift store clothes, but still had my dingy, steel-toed boots on. 
            Shon came in wearing his usual flannel... maybe a cowboy hat... I dont remember exactly.  That’s just who he was.  He worked on cars, liked to watch bull riding sometimes at night in the student lounge... but he was always sincere and genuine.
              And that night he saw my boots and ran back to his room to get something.  When he came back he had some polish and a brush in his hands, and he got down on his hands and knees and polished my boots for me. 
          He’d told me earlier that he wanted to ask that girl out, but I’d beat him to it... and he was still in there, shining my boots anyway. 


              I hadn’t worn those boots in a long time, but tonight I put them on and walked down the busy road to get a hamburger.  It’s been a hard 7 months... real hard.  But its almost over.  Pretty soon I’ll be able to leave this rediculous city.  I hope I can find people who dont think they’re more than what they actually are.  I hope to find more people like Shon.
              In fact, if I ever happen to run into him again, I’d gladly shake his hand.  Actually, I’d probably give him a hug.  But who knows if that will ever happen.   But I guess as long as we dont know what the future holds... then we might as well hold out a little bit of hope for better things ahead.