Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 20
Sign: Gemini
State: West Virginia
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/23/2005
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Friday, June 19, 2009 7:08 AM
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Current mood:  loved
Category: Life
As I sit here tonight...I'm almost sad ...I miss Amber...no she's not in some random state, she's not in some random country, but probably 1 minute away from me. I always start my blogs and end them in two completely random places...so nobody knows (not even me) what these blogs entail. But tonight I actually felt the urge to blog.
I sit here and have to question my life, well almost, but about Amber, (btw I'll get to the point where I actually mentioned that I have a new gf, lol)...I love her, yet I see myself trying to allow what happened in my previous relationship to happen all over again. In a relationship you have to have boundaries, it's so so imperative if you are trying to stay pure. Now, not that it's any of you're business but I'll tell you anyways, of course Amber and I haven't done anything, but I just fear so much of a potential to "mess up" I made mistakes before..not to the point of having sex, but close enough that it scared me. It made me think "How could I let myself go this far?"
Lust and sexual desires left unchecked will do that...and taboo or not...it's true! I mean so many people just do not care anymore and throw purity out the window. Living a Christian life is never easy and it never will be. It's so hard to stay in check with everything in you're life and for some reason I always try to get the best of both worlds, but as a verse I just posted said, "You can't love two masters" aka: you can't be of the world and a christian. You just can't!! I mean we have been called to be set apart and honestly....are we??? Like I always say too, what I say on here goes 110% for me...it's just open honest talk for me and you guys alike..so never think I'm all "do this..do that." Are we living a "holy" life for God? I think Sunday in my class that I teach for children's church...I'm gonna start it out going "Why do you think you are a Christian...what makes you think you can really call yourself a Christian??"
You wouldn't believe what goes on with these kids...it's scary...and so sad too. Whew...I'm sure there might be some young ones reading this...but there is so much worldliness that is among them instead of drawing closer to God. They are trying to blend in and fit in w/ the "norm" instead of standing out for God and being holy. I feel like I'm teaching a bunch of non-christian kids in a way. Nobody cares anymore...I mean I don't feel that I'm good enough to be called one of HIS own, but man people and the youth are just so misguided. No fear of God...that's pretty straightforward enough. We are so attached to our possessions and technology it has drawn us away from God. I mean when the electric gets knocked off for any reason we realize how much we are addicted to our stuff. Scary isn't it? I mean I love being on here and talking to people...but I mean I know deep down I HAVE to get off of here and start thanking God for all the blessings he's given me and where he's brought me from. I mean I could of died back in March '07 when I had open heart or back in Jan '07 when I had a heart-rate of 200 and walked home a-ok. Yeah talk about a miracle.
Anyways sorry for being side-tracked..gosh I was reading back through my previous blogs to find those dates and I've realized I need to re-read some of that stuff it's pretty powerful..and it's always interesting to re-read something you feel anyways, but may have forgotten. Ummm...about Amber again...idk how much she wants me to talk about her (lol), but I hate being limited to what I can talk about based on who read this...that's the major downside to this...but I will never make up stories..everything I write will always be 100% truth. I'm sure she would want me to be honest anyways. Uhh..but yeah idk I've realized b/w Sara and now Amber I'm pretty insane, lol. No doubt. I've always thought of myself as this simple, easy going, straight-forward guy, but I'm so much more complex than I ever thought.
I came to realize at night I'm pretty insane and almost like no holds bar in truth telling...I always speak the truth, but in the day time it will always most likely be more calm and not always so "in your face." I've realized that I seriously HATE stupidity. I'm not talking mental retardation or people simply not knowing how to do something...but I mean people that have 0-common sense!!! It gets under my skin (lol). I've also realized I'm very critical and don't like imperfection in myself or other people. Although, I'm not a perfectionist..just like to meet personal goals of how things should be I guess. I've realized I'm more of a hormonal guy than I thought, lol. To be put in situations though, sometimes it would be hard not to be. Guys are made to be visual compared to girls with touch/emotions. Like we talked about in class the other night at church...life is about choices. I would love to just have this "easy way out" but believe me, it's non-existent. There is no easy way out...we have to fight to gain anything in this world. My generation doesn't want to hear that, because they want everything handed to them on a silver plate.
I have to apologize though to Sara and to Amber and to my friends though....I'm sorry for being less of a Christian than I could be...I'm sorry that I haven't always shown Christ's light in my life....I'm sorry Sara for hurting you and allowing things to get out of hand and not stepping up as a man of God and sticking with boundaries that we set for ourselves...but now we know and have grown from that experience. To Amber: I'm sorry for being so critical all the time...I always "think" I have the right answer to every problem that comes along when I might not always. I expect you to do the right thing in every case...I act more like a big bad father than a boyfriend...that's why I have you to mellow me out..and you have me to help you build your confidence, show you true love, and many other things as well. 
In the process of writing this blog...I was roaming the Internet..cause this isn't all done at one time..well up to now it was...but you have to watch this video...it's just so true...I'm going to watch it again and then write...
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God I feel just like this...I almost feel like junk....I did let You down..I have fallen so many times I feel like I could never get to a higher place with You. Chisel away God...take out everything in me that is no good and worthless. Fill me with Your spirit and unleash the potential You have for me. Show me that You have made me good in your sight. I'm sorry God..and I love you, but I haven't shown it very well. Help me so I can help others come to know You! Man God this life IS ROUGH...and it won't be easy, and I'm sick of controlling my life and seeing how it gets me no where...show me YOUR ways b/c I'm going in a circle w/o YOU!
We forget how much God loves us...we shouldn't but we do...gosh I'm so glad I found that video...we have to constantly check ourselves and mainly let God work in us. We just run around and totally forget about God..like I said earlier we are sooo wrapped up in our own life we push God out of it. God thanks for showing me that video! You always know what I need...help me always be real and never fake for people...let me be the salt of the earth and not to lose my savor. Use me for You're glory!!! Less of me more of YOU should always be on my mind. I am willing for You to chisel me.
I was wanting to go on and talk about my life since Oct...but idk it doesn't feel right just yet....I'm sitting here listening to some songs on my playlist and worshiping and signing...God give me a passion for the lost...help me to stop being so complacent and tolerable to sinners....send the Holy Spirit to give me boldness!!! Thank YOU! God show me what you're plan is for my life...I've been told that You have a great plan for my life and there is a call on my life...I want to know what that call is...show me Lord..prepare me for the challenge...Speak to me Lord...let me hear Your voice to know Your will. Thank you Father =)
----
Since Oct I hadn't been doing too much..just mainly school...then Amber Dillon and her family came to our church sometime in that time period...we kinda got to talking and hanging out and we kinda grew attached, lol...I asked her out nervously on 12/26/08♥. She's the most wonderful thing ever, lol....Sometimes I doubt my ability to truly love her...she gives me too much credit though....she has that agape love that God has for people and esp for me...I think she should give up on me, but she would just say "are you crazy??? I love you" It always makes me think if a girl loves me this much how much more does God love me through my faults....
Oh and of course Obama got elected...shesh...i could go on for hours about that...but to keep it short and compact....it was an awfully sad day for our nation that they would vote for a president that already had a track record of being the most liberal politician since records had been kept....we are def. seeing what a bad choice he was for our nation. He has messed up our economy and continues to bail out company after company...and now he is trying to have govt run health care. IT IS SOCIALISM...we are not a nation controlled by our government...we have a FREE MARKET for a reason!! It is a place that is not interferred with by the govt. Then they are giving so many rights to gays and illegal aliens. Also he repealed some law in regards to late term abortions..OH and let's not forget how he opened the doors on stem-cell research. HE SAID AMERICA IS NOT A CHRISTIAN NATION. He apparently knows nothing of American History and why we came to America in the first place!! HE HAS NO REGARD FOR LIFE NOR DOES HE HAVE ANY MORALS...he was under the teachings of that Jerimiah Wright...and for 20 years at that...that should tell you enough...but the people are getting EXACTLY what they voted for....WE REAP WHAT WE SOW....he is not the bringing of "good times" he is the bringer of confusion and hard times..he is a wolf in sheep's clothing...he talks a good talk, but when it comes down to it..look at his record...it's plain as day. I'm not engaging in hate speech, but TRUTH!
Now finally summer has come around and my birthday is right around the corner..literally..it's on Sunday the 21st...I'm going to be 20 years old...I can't believe it, I'm getting old guys! It's weird too cause it's on Father's Day too...I found that strange...umm Curtis and I got laid off from Heavenly Ham in Jan...long story short I believe she didn't want us there cause she knew we wouldn't put up with her ego trip of her being the new manager...so we got laid off...I just recently got a job though @ Fazoli's in Cross Lanes at the end of May...oh and that reminds me Amber graduated!! WOO GO SWEETHEART =)!!! Anyways..the job is rough though!! whew...it's def. fast food and I didn't expect that..I used to make the food, but now I'm cashier..it's much better. Umm I am waiting to hear back from mom or my uncle if I can get a job at a local hospital...I HOPE SO...
That also reminds me..I am almost certain I lost my Promise Scholarship because I got 2 D's; 1 in Chem and 1 in BioDiversity. It was rough though..but yeah I'm kinda bummed...now I have to figure out what I'm going to do...hmm I'm probably missing something that happened between Oct-Jun, lol...uhhh....Well I can't think of anything...I guess I'm done w/ this blog...wow...see I guess it wasn't that bad...lol...long though..but I usually do that...
I REALLY REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED A "NEW" BLOG! lol...
Thanks for reading though...I'm glad I can get my thoughts out there...
later guys,
Buck.
~Have a good night~
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Tuesday, October 21, 2008 7:23 AM
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Current mood:  blah
Category: Life
Well yet again I have woken up and realized..oops, missed Microbiology..yeah not too smart. It's hard waking up at 7am just to listen to a guy lecture...whew...not so cool. Well onto the meat of blog...
After I dropped my little brother Matthew off at school, I heard something on Air1(kinda like Klove) and they were talking about a person that had called in a while back and asked for prayer for their son who was 19 and had a heart condition. So I was like..yeah I can relate with that guy...but then they kept going and said that the doctors told him he had 3 months to live. Someone called in even more recently and said that the doctors had bumped the timetable down and said he now only has 3-6 weeks. The whole reason it really struck a cord inside of me was that I could have been that guy. I could have faced the doctors telling me I only had weeks to live. By the grace of God I had a heart problem that could be fixed. God could have said it was my time, but He has a huge plan for my life...I'm yet to find out what that entails, but we all have one. I thank God I'm alive today...and I know I should be more thankful than what I have been.
So I've been putting off this blog for a week now, lol. I really don't know why, I kept telling Tara, my good friend from church, I would do it, but I never got around to it. I just have to be in a writing mood or I won't do it. I'm technically not in one now, but I thought after hearing that on the radio I had to thank God for giving me life and helping me through all that I have went through already. What I was going to talk about is going to be near the end of the blog. I'm going to talk about the amazing concert that myself and the youth went to.
A little back-story from Thurs night[10/9] (the concert was friday 10/10). Well we had been boycotting Mcdonalds due to them strongly supporting the homosexual lifestyle because of their $20,000 donation to the big gay-rights group. Well anyways...here recently Mcdonalds has decide to stay neutral and to drop their support for the company. Well, the night before the concert Tara, Amber, and myself were trying to decide all the small details leading up to the concert and this idea hit me....let's trick Curtis into going to Mcdonalds (because not many people knew they had become neutral)...so on Friday we met with Tara at the church and then soon headed off for McDonalds...well after we ordered our food and stuff I told Tara to make Curtis feel bad for eating here. Whenever she did that he was like "yeah I do feel kinda bad" well then I was like.."curtis yah know what?" "McDonalds doesn't support em any more.GOTCHA!" hah hah..it was good burn =)
On to the concert...we showed up a little late no help to my amazing driving skills, hah hah. It was about 6:10pm when we showed up so it wasn't bad. Well we got in and Run Kid Run had just finished unfortunately. I really wanted to hear em since they are pretty rad...Here were the bands (Kutless, Thousand Foot Krutch, Pillar, KJ-52, Fireflight, Worth Dying For, Run Kid Run, Esterlyn). Tara, Curtis, and myself all bought KJ-52's neat glasses at his table, they are hilarious, plus I bought his cd. I also bought Worth Dying For's Cd. Worth Dying for is great, I've never heard em till the concert and they rocked so much, plus they incorporated in worship which is always a plus! Tara from our church said she actually enjoyed it, which I knew she would...there were times when she was like "what in the world?" but overall she had a blast...it's fun having Tara around! lol (hey tara!!). After the concert was over though I went home with my ears ringing till the next morning.
On Saturday and event called CryOut WV was planned for 10am at King's River Worship Center by my super best friend Sarah Dunn. CryOut WV was pretty much exactly what the name implies all the believers in the state of WV were going to pray all day for different issues that were going on in our state. Things like: abortion, fatherlessness, protection in school..things like that. It was a great day, ok it was more than that, it was a GOD FILLED DAY. Whew..it's hard to describe. The worship that went on combined with the prayer was amazing. God moved so powerfully that day. If we would humble ourselves more often we would see many lives changed for the better. God is right there waiting to hear from us!! I actually had to actually pray with a good friend, Chris Kimbro on the topic of kids in schools, it was profound to say the least and it helped me to get out of my comfort zone, which is exactly what God wants all of us to do.
He doesn't just want us to come to church and telling everyone hello and that you're doing fine when you know you're not. He wants us to develop an real and intense relationship with our Father in Heaven who loves us so so so so MUCH! We need to go to church ready and prayed up seeking His face!! So many times we just drag into church (myself included) and just see it as another day. I just read an article (while I was blogging on here) how a Christian aid worker in Kubul was killed. So many of us take being a Christian everso lightly. People die for their faith overseas EVERY SINGLE DAY. Who are we? Woo I'm a Christian..you believe in God? wow...super impressive, it says the devil believes in God and trembles...so is he a Christian? I think not. We have to be radical for Jesus. Being a Christian isn't a half world loving other half Jesus loving person. It's 100% Christ living. Yeah I know it's hard. I'm alive and living right here with you, but I'm just saying it has to be done! No more sitting back, backing down...we have to live what we preach; plain and simple.
Just because you believe in God doesn't make you anything. You have to have a relationship with the Father and live your life like He wants you to and not how you want to. Look around and tell me these so called "Christians" you know are anything like Christ? Yeah you're right...most aren't. Most wear it as a tag. Christianity is not a tag nor a agenda, but a relationship. Christians today are missing something. We aren't just sinning; we are sinning and bragging about it! I know so many "Christians" that don't care what they do because "God understands." I say prove it..show me where it says you can live like the world and go to heaven? I dare you. I can say that because I know it's not in there. We have gotten away from holiness. Holy living. No we aren't perfect, but do we at least try without giving an excuse as to why we failed? I know how that goes..I am the master of excuses...and I want to blame God for not helping me? I was so misguided.
God gives us strength, but God isn't always going to fix our problems instantly. How would we ever grow? Think about it....if God never took the training wheels off...how would we ever learn to succeed in anything? We need to get real. I mean I know since CryOut, my eyes have really been opened. I felt that God told me this is my time to soar on wings like eagles and to put my junk behind me and He would help me through. Tara told me He spoke to her to tell me basically the same thing...It's amazing when God speaks, cause He knows exactly what you need to hear.
I challenge each and every one of you to talk to God and ask Him what He would have you do in your life. Also to not be a sideline Christian. Be radical for God and please please don't give up. Cry out to God and ask him for help in whatever problem you are facing. He is there, wanting to help you with whatever you ask.
"But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy." 1 Peter 1:15, NLT
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matt 11:28
Love you all!
God Bless♥
Buck.
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Sunday, September 28, 2008 6:30 AM
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Current mood:  stressed
Category: Life
2 months ago since my last blog..dang...so I was sitting here feeling like i really needed to blog..(I'll see where this takes me)...right after I decided I was going to I went downstairs to get myself some water since I've got this crazy cough. Well when I went down there I noticed two awesome things really quick. Lots and lots of baked cookies and m&m's (my fav candy). Well that was a quick pick-me-up to how I've been feeling.
I guess I've just been having this overwhelming feeling that I just can't do it. I can't be a good Christian, I can't be a good friend, I can't become a doctor, I can't be a good student, I can't be a good anything!! I fail so many times. I wouldn't care so much if I would fail every so often at different things, which is natural for people to not succeed at things...but I fail everyday.
I hate sin, and I'm just sick of asking for forgiveness, not because I'm lazy and don't want to, but because I know deep down I shouldn't be in this junk and I could stand on top this mountain, but yet I'm stuck in the rut again and again and again. It puts my hopes down so much...My main thing is that I just don't put forth any real effort in any aspect of my life. My drive to do much of anything is dying very fast. It's like I've become a hermit or something. Of course I have positive moments being with my friends and stuff, but it's just not the feeling I'm needed so desperately.
I know in this whole feeling my main problem is that I'm missing out on Jesus. Of course I come to him with my problems..but I really don't have a real relationship. Then I look my myspace and say "some cover you put on Josh" but seriously guys..that's the last thing I want to be is fake. I will tell you straight up I'm not perfect. Nobody is and I know I'm not. I have a major problem with lust and being on the Internet only fuels that junk. Looking at what I have trouble with sin wise in my life...I realize that the sin that affects me is a sexual one..which it says in the bible that sexual sins are ones you commit against your own body (God's temple) idk if this has any significance to my problems..just an interesting thought I guess.
I want to be like Jesus..but of course having a relationship with Him and reading the bible would help..but why would I do that I? Psh...of course I can't even clean my own room. I eat, sleep, and use the bathroom..everything else is like a routine. No spontaneity at all
So many things are going on around me...I've lost a youth leader to sin...I'm in college which is keeping me busy and I'm always late for class...my heart keeps giving me fits sometimes..it's under control..but I know it's not fixed yet...I got involved with a girl who I thought was going to bring about my next relationship only to hurt both of our feelings and end up where I started...I'm still fighting the junk on the Internet...work is just crazy with our new manager (the other one had a heart attack and is no longer working there) ..how about people voting for Obama after realizing that he is pro-gay and pro-abortion; have we no standards??(I know mccain isn't the best either..but we can tell a tree by it's fruits)
This world is pressing down hard upon me. Now I know I am super blessed. I'm not saying the Lord hasn't taken care of me or anything like that...cause I know he has...it's just been really hard here recently. Instead of rising to the fight I have sat back and drifted through my life. How can I be a disciple for Christ when I can't even manage my own life? I don't even know what to type...it just hurts. I guess why it mainly hurts is because I haven't blogged about anything in so long...mainly due to me being so laid back and wanting to do nothing but be a slug with everything. It really helps more than anyone understands to actually blog about this stuff.
I know all of what I talk about is super personal and stuff...but I mean like I said..I'm trying to be a fake Christian or a fake person; notI want to be real. I want everyone to see me for who I am not who I look like on the outside. On an upside a good friend at church named Tara has started teaching us how to sign and it really feels amazing to sign a song. Oh yeah and we are also doing skits which is very awesome as well. I am going to homecoming with a a new friend coming up on next sat. that should be pretty fun =)
So...is my conscious clean? hmmp...Will it ever be? I really hope so. I kinda feel like I'm on a roller-coaster being either always good or bad..never a balance. I don't even feel like talking to people on here as much..I'm always exhausted any more...and sleeping does not help at all. I know my mom and grandma like to tell me I don't get enough sleep..but I mean like I said..when I do sleep for long periods of time...I just wake up feeling just as exhausted.
I need you Jesus to come to my rescue!! Even though I am a dirty filthy sinner...and don't deserve your grace...please help me be more like you!! Give me a desire to read your Word and pray each and everyday...
I give You all my cares and troubles!!! Only you can take them Lord, I can't anymore...this life is too hard. You died for me. The stripes on your back were for me...thank you Jesus. I love you =) I'm sorry I 've disappointed you. I'M SORRY!!!!!! Take me back Lord =''(
Keep me in your prayers guys...this isn't a pity party by any means...I Just need prayer to give me the drive for everything in life that I have lost for some reason.
Thanks,
Josh.
(Love you all)
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Thursday, July 24, 2008 6:18 AM
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
Well hello guys and guys….man ol' man….what's with me and not wanting to blog anymore?? Yeah I know it's been a month…lol…anyways..let me just move right along. Not counting last week…I have been doing practically nothing…I did actually have my surgery a little while back…and I want to talk about camp and Sunday night before this thing gets too long and you lose interest, but I promise I will get back to that soon enough.
Ok..gosh church camp…def. had it's good and bad moments…but overall it was like 98% good, 2% bad, mainly the 2% was from people that when Matt & I were joking wanted to have nothing to do with us…it was as if the humor had gone out of a lot of people which was really really sad ='( Ask Matt he'll tell yah it was different, and we noticed it on the first night too. Anyways I was super sad too that it was my last year of camp as a camper…I will be coming back as a worker if I have anything to do with it! As I'm typing this you don't even know the struggle I'm going through…it's like impossible to finish..
Now I'm sleepy and having everyone talking to me…I just hope I can finish. Well I took tons of vids and pics of all the stuff at camp which were pretty hilarious…Another funny thing that's going on right now is how the song I put on my myspace from camp—"Beautiful" is acting like a virus because everyone has it now; random fact, sry. It's fine though cause it's a beautiful song.
Well God really moved this past week and spoke to me about a lot of things that I really, truly needed to hear. The first message was all about change and how God can forgive us of sins, but He wants more out of us, He wants us to "shift" and change so we aren't constantly sinning. It was such a powerful revelation to me and I'm sure to the other kids there as well. I know that's how I was..constantly asking God to forgive me and never changing it's crazy and def. no way to live. I know to some people that might seem pretty radical…getting so close to God we don't sin? Well if you are a constant sinner like I was…you can feel that there is something not "right" about the whole constantly sinning thing. You know you do not have to be bound and God is so much greater…well He is. He came to set the captives free…we just have to draw close to Him like it says in James 4:8. I know God set me free from the chains of pornography, but it's now up to me to continually fight this ongoing battle. Also I had a big problem, deeply rooted I might add, about my dad and all the stuff he did a long time ago to my mom and basically a fear of becoming just like him. (check out my huge story I wrote about maybe 10 entries back a few paragraphs down, entitled "My Life; The Challenge", Good stuff promise)
I really felt the power of God stronger than I ever have had on me, I think it was Tuesday night. I was praying so hard…and just crying out to God and right there after a while..it started to calm down then while I was sitting on the ground I felt God whisper to me "Josh I love you" and it was just the best feeling in the world knowing that God spoke to me and told me that He loved me =) Then it was like so full-blown overload of the spirit it was unreal. Something funny; when I got back to the hotel, Jennifer a girl who I've know a long time, said she actually prayed over me. She mentioned that right when she put her hand on me, that's when I started like feeling the presence so strong…she said it kinda freaked her out, lol…I just told her I supposed that was when God told me that He loved me =)
Well camp went on and it was just amazing right up till the end…our team (PURPLE) actually came in 2nd which was pretty awesome…we had an alliance with the RED team…GREEN actually won in the end..even though everyone was supposedly against them (not including PINK aka: Curtis' team, blah) lol…so yeah anyway…we had a blast and I was really sad it was my last year as a camper..but I'm going to be back as a worker no doubt. Now let me get to talk about the huge deal of this whole blog. I see I'm finally back to writing huge blogs =)..whew…and I thought my thinking cap was broke..hah hah. Ok here goes…
One night after service at camp our room leader Chris Harper started talking about taking the fire back to our churches and stuff. Well we were telling him how our church is like semi-traditional and really not up to changing so much. He said when you get back...after you tell them how camp was...challenge them to stand in front of the church just like at camp and worship. So I had this big plan set up about what I was going to talk about and I found that "Beautiful" song from camp...and was going to play that and worship to it right off the bat. So I said what I needed to say...and it came to the point where I challenged them; well I had them play the music. I soon realized I had downloaded a messed up one that played for 45 sec then stopped. I was so going crazy. Well after realizing it wasn't going to work I just went back to the front row.
Sunday night I did the same thing but had the right cd...well after we worshipped to that song...I went back to the first row. Well about 2-3 songs in..I really felt led to stand up front and worship, well after debating and finally realizing I should never be ashamed of God I did it...then when all the songs were over and I looked and someone was beside me...well eventually I saw who it was and she finally said something to the extent of "what Josh said this morning really hit me..and I had been praying for boldness..etc. etc" well...then another lady stood up from her chair being the firecracker she is and basically said something like "yeah that's right...we should be worshipping our King up front"...then before I knew it the whole congregation was up front!! Then we worshipped for like another hour it was awesome!! Yeah...it was crazy amazing!…and get this...
At church that night I was also told that I would be a youth minister (reconfirming what God told me last year @ camp)..and that I also needed to start exercising to get my heart straightened up...which my mom had just told me when I got back from camp (said it came from God too)…So I know God is really starting to cook up some amazing things!! Personally I'm sure He's had this stuff all along, but I've been too stuck in my garbage to see anything. I praise God so much for His power and mainly His love for everyone =D!!
I am just so pumped that this year God has used all this stuff to stir me up and want more of God. I know it won't be easy, but I have to get on the ball and really starting drawing closer to God…because I am officially on fire for God. I'm not going to be another average, on-the-sidelines-Christian. God wants us to be filled up with the Holy Spirit and go out and tell people about Him and how He loves us♥♥!! The main thing is we have to show the world how we are different or "set apart" and not like everyone else. We have "it", not just a fad or a temporary thing, but we have the God who created the universe, not our "easy" button, but our savior! We have to live holy to show people what God expects out of us and has done in our lives!
I don't care what anyone says, but if you talk like the world, act like the world, and walk like the world; you are not a Christian, but a fake. We have to be the salt of the world. We can't be out there saying we are a Christian and cuss and carrying on, being a man who treats a woman like crap, be a woman who talks down to other women, lie, steal, etc. etc. It's just not what a Christian should be like…we should all examine ourselves from time to time…I think some of us would be shocked. Christian=Christ-like
Matthew 5:13-16:
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? ... You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hid... Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Another huge thing that seems to be really important to a lot of people is this whole "summer love" or just simply getting a bf/gf. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is not your answer to filling that void in your life. Of course there is a time and place for a bf or gf, but if you go roaming and just focusing on finding that "perfect" person…you're really going to wind up just hurting yourself in the long run. Just wait, seriously. I'm not even kidding. Take it slowly too…gosh you know how many people go into relationships and have sex like immediately that's crazy…I mean that's a whole other story…but just wait…you know how you've peaked into a present early before Christmas only to open them unsurprisingly during Christmas? Well imagine that you had waited…gosh you would have been so excited. Well that's like sex before marriage. It may be fun, and tempting, but in the end it's really not worth it.
Moving right along….for those people that are out there hurting here's a verse for you
1Peter 5:7
Throw all your worry on him, because he cares for you.
I know this is so true! When you feel like nobody cares, just talk to Jesus, He does. Like I said though He isn't your staples "easy" button. He's more like the best daddy in the world!
Well before I get too carried away and write a novel…I should probably talk about my surgery too….Oh one thing before I actually get into that…I really don't want you guys and gals to think I'm stuck-up or "holier-than-thou" I'm not perfect, but I'm saved by God's grace! ." I'm just trying to tell everyone what God has laid on my heart for this generation. I know a lot of us our out here hurting with a bunch of junk that the Devil has thrown our way, and I'll be the first to tell you it hurts and I buried some stuff for way too long. God wants to heal that broken part of our lives so much, we just have to give it to Him! But like I said I love you guys…and honestly and genuinely want to help everyone if I can =)
Surgery
So I have to actually think back a month now, lol. Well random fact: the hair they had to shave off on my chest is actually growing back, so pretty soon I'll look like Bigfoot or something again, lol. Well I was scheduled to have surgery around 9am I think and when I got there I waited forever and they finally told me that another man having the surgery had arrived late. Of course that meant that I had to wait a long time, but I was really ok with it, just most anticipation of the whole thing, wanting to get it over with. Of course I had the lovely prepping stuff shaving those lovely places and getting into the most attractive hospital gown, lol…Finally the time came being around 1-2pm. Yes, many hours past my original time. I got in there (St. Francis, sry) and they were hooking up stuff forever. The doctor who was performing the surgery had just moved his practice from around OH to here in Charleston and really wasn't completely set up either.
After a bunch of weird and semi-embarrassing things (idk how I could be embarrassed anymore in the hospital anyway, after all the surgeries) the surgery began. Dr. VanDeren numbed the groin area…(Let me explain what the groin is to most people…since many people's minds go way off…you know where your thigh meets your torso? In the crack essentially. Yeah ok..moving on…then slid catheters (3 I found out after surgery) in there to basically burn things which I did feel A LOT!! Whew…according to mom more than I was probably supposed to. Well after much intense pain near the end, it was over, and I got to rest for about 4 hrs before going home. Mom brought me some amazing Chick-fil-A food and super-dooper cookies from the mall…man soooo good =). Well after that I went home and just simply had sore legs. The days following I did have some chest discomfort which all eventually faded away. I'm doing pretty good now just trying to decide how to cut down the medicine. I did actually cut the dosage from 2X50mg (100mg) to 2X25mg (50mg) which has helped alleviate some exhaustion problems. Oh yeah the reason I actually had to have surgery was because I was having problems with A-flutter...acting up on me again..check it out on Google..really interesting I promise.
So…let's see I've talked about how God has rocked my world at camp, and hopefully many others who attended as well. (Can't wait to see what else He's going to do). I've talked about my surgery…let's see anything in between? Nah not so much, lol…Just go on my myspace and listen to my new worship songs they are pretty super, I have more but they aren't on the playlist site =(.
Well this took me forever to write cause I got so carried away with AIM convos and overall sleepiness. But if anyone has any prayer requests or anything at all you would like to talk about I would be more than happy to help….I hope you guys enjoy this "little" entry.
Love you all,
Buck =)
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Saturday, June 14, 2008 11:08 AM
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Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Well I love how I always start out by going "omgsh I haven't updated in xyz, whoa" lol...but yeah it has been a while.
Not much has been going on with me, but it does seem my friends are helping me escape from the monotonous blah of life; which is pretty cool. That mainly entails Halo, bowling, going out to eat, movies, or any combination of those, lol. I'm usually just working now and trying to actually clean my room, which is like an ongoing battle for some strange reason.
Here soon, which is why I'm mainly blogging, I'm going to have my surgery on June 24th @ 9am if I'm not mistaken, I'll update you guys as soon as I get more details. I'm having it @ St. Francis and ironically it's 3 days after my b-day (6/21), great belated b-day present, but honestly I'm really looking forward to it mainly so I can get off the medicine I'm on. It kinda makes me weak and tired pretty often, so I'll be happy. This time they are basically just going up through the groin with catheters and burning parts of my heart. Yeah look up "ablation" on Google, and you'll see how cool it is.
Idk if I have anything else I should update everyone on...oh of course....I got a new car a little while back. It's a black 2008 Nissan Versa, I'm liking a lot..bought it for like 15K, so it's nice.
Welp anyways guys...I'm off of here...later!!
Buck =)
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Thursday, May 15, 2008 1:25 AM
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Current mood:  confused
Category: Life
Gosh has it really been that long since my last update? Guess so. hard to believe. Idk Sorry I guess, I'm not dead, if that makes you want to continue reading then wow, I've achieved something amazing, lol...anyways...A lot has been going on I suppose..
Just been working and going to school. I'm finally done with all my finals, and as of now, I just have a B in English. Well as I sit here reclining in my computer chair with my keyboard on my lap a lot of things are going through my mind. First off I really hate how I can't be 100% honest about everything that I want to, because of the people who read it would be the people I would be talking about; kinda a bummer, I might actually think about talking about people (not like that) on here, idk, just an idea.
But just a minute I was looking at Sara's new pics, my ex gf if it's been too long...and it made me feel really strange. It wasn't sadness, it wasn't happiness, I didn't miss her, I didn't laugh and I didn't cry. It was just a really weird thing. I guess that's b/c after being with someone so long you break something off and it makes you numb to most stuff. My sadness stage is long over, but a sense of nostalgia is setting in. Good and bad I suppose. All the mistakes and all the happy times. My mistakes have made me stronger, I do believe that. Which brings me to the next thing.
I don't even think I want a gf; even for a good while. I mean whether it was due to mistakes in the past or just still getting over a long-term relationship, I can't bring myself to like someone more than just a friend. Honestly it's probably for the best too. I mean I need to focus on school and stuff and it makes it hard with distractions. Man...I feel like I'm droning on and on, but gosh you guys and gals wouldn't believe how therapeutic this is for me, maybe that's why I've been sound wound out recently..lol But in all seriousness, it still is pretty weird. I'm kinda scared to be honest. Fear of repeating same mistakes, not knowing how to move on to another girl, and etc etc.
I just hate feeling inadequate sometimes, and I know if I would look back at my other blogs, it would be the same thing..over and over...I need to read my bible, pray...and on and on. But it's like I don't and I clearly need to. Building up a relationship with God is literally the most important thing a person can do. I know I need to press through to actually get somewhere or I will get nowhere at all. And of course I'm still struggling with my problem and the thing of it now is, I'm having some impure thoughts a lot more regular than a person should and just think the dirty before the normal. It's not a happy site and I'm really starting to become unsure of myself.
Work is another thing that always has a way of changing my mood, lol. I mean everyone seems to be leaving and hopefully we will be getting people to replace these people. Idk it's a bunch of unnecessary stress. I feel really kinda stressed right now, I probably don't get enough r&r time...
I've gotten to hang out with Josh a bit already which is good, cause it seems like forever since we've done anything together. I actually just saw Danielle and Mandi for a bit up @ work. Then this Sat. Mandi, Danielle, and I are going to see "West Side Story" @ the Clay Center the WV Symphony Orchestra will be playing too, so it's gonna be quite amazing!! Can't wait....
On a side note I really miss Britt and Matt...my two best buds from outside my immediate area. They are awesome and sometime we will get together and it will be awesome, lol!!! =/
I'm kinda tired, so I don't think I'm gonna get all into a topic of lengthy words...cause I just don't feel like it...I'm worn out, blah. Tomorrow I need to go and get a few things done..need to sell my books back, get my blinker bulb installed on my car, and then go to my family dr. to get her to sign off on something for my upcoming surgery...yes I said
UPCOMING SURGERY, lol...
Apparently a lot of people I keep running into don't know about it, so I thought I should tell the world I'm having it. Well I don't know a date yet, cause they are supposed to call..but you know me I will def. get back to you on that.
But on a major side note...things are getting crazy in this world: Gas-$4.00, China's major earthquake which killed an estimated 9,000 that's so far...and think 9/11 killed how many people like 2,500? or something...and now we get this and people are not even talking about it..crazy for sure! Also I love how people are getting so nasty, towards other people really, people turn out to be the opposite of you expect them to be, it's pretty intense.
One thing I hope I can always be real and an open book, I'm not going to be ashamed to tell the world about myself. Some people have even suggested that I stop doing this, and stop telling people about my personal life. Most people especially are like..Idk how you do it, I couldn't let people in. Well honestly it's all about pride, we are too worried about what the next person might think. Well I'm not gonna say "my judge is God, and screw you guys", because I mean if you see me out committing sinful acts or something, then I would hope to God you would tell me what I was doing was wrong, esp. if I didn't know about it.
I just don't see any progress in life, if you don't share your faults and stuff with other people. I mean I know some people probably read these things I post and call me all kinds of stuff and can't believe I do this or do that, but heck we are all made out of the same clay and all fail to meet up to God's standards. As much as I hate that, it's just gonna be fact. We are imperfect and prone to making mistakes. But like that verse I quoted way back when it was talking about sharing you're feelings and faults openly and that's what I believe I'm doing. In the least bit have some respect that I do post my life on here, I don't expect to be treated like I'm so amazing cause I am able to do this, but respect my willingness to do it....Like I said earlier, this is kinda like a de-stresser. Plus it helps when I know people are reading it and do leave comments...it helps.
But yeah give me some feedback I would love to hear from everyone!!
Have a great day!
Buck.
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Saturday, March 29, 2008 5:10 PM
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Category: Life
I was just sitting here looking back through my blogs...and it’s sad, it’s honestly sad. While looking at them a good friend pointed something out to me. They said that even though I look good on the outside (on my myspace page) w/ the pictures, videos, and other stuff I put up about God on Myspace, that does not hide what I do and what I really am.(and that it’s making people believe it is ok to sin and go to heaven) I know this was a word from God through my friend.
If anyone is confused by what I’m saying...well being addicted to pornography (for those of you who didn’t know I was [5yrs])...is completely wrong and will send you to hell!!! Got that? What I am doing now is sin and that sin is keeping me from God. I am not giving God my 100% and if I don’t give him 100% then it’s the same as giving him nothing (0%). I will go to hell if this sin is not removed from my life, by my actions I will cause it. Don’t think you can sin and be ok. You guys got that? You can not have sin in your life and think everything is going to be ok. The Devil is blinding people to the truth, he’s very good at it, he’s had a lot of practice. Sin tears us up and changes us till soon we don’t know how we’ve become what we are. Sin is so evil, we aren’t evil, yet we are susceptible to become sinners quite easily.
God does not accept sin! God sent JESUS to die for this very thing. So we wouldn’t have to be bound by this garbage....GARBAGE!!
It’s time to put all this whining, moaning and groaning...to action. I have to say shut-up Josh your gonna start reading the Word, you don’t need to look at that fake GARBAGE. You need God, not this.
Please keep me in your prayers,
Buck.
PS~Thanks again "friend"
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