This is a soundbyte I downloaded a while ago, listed as 'Monty-Python: The definition of the word 'fuck''. It's narrated by an american bloke, with Vivaldis 'Four Seasons' playing softly in the background, if you can imagine this as you're reading it.  I love it.  Also it's a pretty great way to learn english grammatical terms...

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today, is the word 'fuck'.  Out of all the english words that begin with the letter F, 'fuck' is the only word that is referred to as the 'f' word.  It's the one magical word.  Just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.  'Fuck', as are most words in the english language, is derived from German, the word 'frichen' which means 'to strike'.  In english, 'fuck' falls into many grammatical categories:

As a transitive verb, for instance: "John fucked Shirley."

As an in-transitive verb: "Shirley fucks."
 
Its meaning is not always sexual... it can be used as an adjective such as: "John's doing all the fucking work!"

As part of an adverb: "Shirley talks too fucking much."

As an adverb enhancing an adjective: "Shirley is fucking beautiful."

As a noun: "I don't give a fuck."

As part of a word: "Abso-fuckin-lutely" or, "in-fuckin-creadible."

And, as almost every word in a sentence: "Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
As you must realise, there aren't too many words with the versatility of 'fuck', as in these examples describing situations such as:
Fraud; "I got fucked at the used car lot."

Dismay; "Aww, fuck it."

Trouble; "I guess I'm really fucked, now."

Aggression; "Don't fuck with me, buddy."

Difficulty; "I don't understand this fucking question!"

Inquiry; "Who the fuck was that?"

Dissatisfaction; "I don't like what the fuck is going on here."

Incompetence; "He's a fuck-off."

Dismissal; "Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?!"

I'm sure you can think of many more examples.  With all of these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word?
We say, use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech!  It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly, and proudly!

"FUCK YOU!!!"

I've graduated to a real and proper bonafide blog site!  Thanks da. 

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Imagine you have a car. It can be any car... like a simple old Rover Metro, or as complicated as Kit, or a Lexus hybrid or something. It's sophisticated. It can tell you what temperature the road surface is. It can warm your bum for you. It can even provide you with a road map and tell you very politely to 'take a left at the next junction'. However, no matter how complicated the machine is, by its nature, it will never be able to understand its maker, who is infinitely more complex. The car can sit in its garage under its tarp for years, trying to figure out how it came to be, or why it was created. It can even talk to other cars maybe, and come up with amazing car theories. Even if its creator does think to explain these facts, it's highly likely that the car won't understand, and will most likely blow a piston trying to figure it out.

I have a lot of respect for faith, I really do. It takes a lot of willpower to believe in something with no evidence or material fact. I can only guess at how caveman must have felt gazing at the stars above and not knowing what those tiny pinpricks were or why they were there. They must have felt so lonely. Much as we do still today... even if we do have theories written in blood.

Let's say our galaxy is just a plate of mould underneath the huge bed of some behemoth dude, it's still very pretty. It's wonderful not knowing what it's all about, as I'd imaginve it would be pretty boring if we knew all the answers. We'd probably want to pack it all in out of pure dissillusionment. Perhaps the meaning of life is that ignorance is bliss...

I clean windows.  Sometimes.  Not for a living, but as part of a system, but let's not get in to that.  You might see me and the lads driving around in a big yellow van.  You might see tired expressions on our faces, because window cleaning isn't exactly gratifying, but 'somebody has to do it', and it gets the beers bought.

I'm not writing about squeegies or buckets or big yellow vans now though, right now my thoughts are with the spider-babies.

Let's take it as a given that I'm squeamish about spiders.  I won't hold them, but I won't kill them... apart from that one time I found a Wolf Spider hunting my budgie with a view to kill.  He got the hoover right up his ass.

Window Cleaning, however, poses a quandary.  Spiders love to hatch nests in the corners of window frames, and it is our job to get rid of them.  The only thing is, I have this latent Buddha thing in me that finds it tough to do this.  It's bad enough that I have to evict the mother spider, one swipe of the window mop and she's earth bound.  But I keep thinking about the worry in her head.  By the time she finds the window sill and crawls back up to her corner, if she can indeed find it, she'll have at least 50 nappies to change and hundreds will be crying, wondering where their mommy is. 

What I'm SUPPOSED to do is destroy the egg sack too.  So, when mommy does return, she finds a clean corner where her family once was.  This keeps me awake at night.  It at least gives me something to obsess about when I'm stoned.  My work collegue says "It's not like they're in short supply or anything", but isn't that what Hitler said about the Jews?

So, to all the spiders out there, I'm sorry.  I know that you all have a job to do, and you do it well.  I'm glad earth isn't infested with gazillions of flies.  You do, however, creep the bejayzus out of me, so please, for your own good, keep yourselves and your babies outside a 10 meter radius of me.  I can't be held responsible for my actions.

It's tough being a big softee.