speak - self portrait - © jaeda dewalt

A B S E N T I A

 I forgot just how deeply I’ve missed, my second passion, writing . . . until recently.  It feels so good to let myself spill out in words. As I write this, the musical ecstasy of David Avarados, “Mayasongs” washes over my sensual soul.

I didn't want to come out of seclusion, I was quite content swimming inside my serene sea of solitude.  I was kind of jolted out of seclusion by a magical series of encounters and events.  After which, I realized, the box I was living in was getting smaller and smaller as the outside world loomed larger and larger over my isolated existence.  I knew it was time to make some fundamental changes.

BEFORE this strange series of recent events, I was quite the idealist.  I wanted to give my friends my undivided attention, enjoy, connect and celebrate them during stress-free times in my life. Because on Planet Jaeda there are no interruptions when friends are over, no phone calls, text messages, all sense of time slips away. And I love giving my friends the 5-star treatment :).  Good food, magical environment and a whole lot of love, creativity, caring and sharing.

As a result, a pattern developed, wherein,  I would go into seclusion, crank out art, get my business stabilized and then take a break and seek to spend time with friends, make time to dance with life and explore this vast and vital universe. I thought It was a great plan, until recently . . .

I had a long stretch of struggle as an artist, made worse, when I recently had to close out all of my Cafepress shops.  It was a huge financial blow and I am now struggling to get my head above water and have to start all over, rebuilding my business from top to bottom.  The road to friends, fun and connection was getting further and further away from me.  I realized if I waited until things were “stable and stress free” I would be away from the outside world and my friends, indefinitely.  But I don’t like anyone to see me struggle or know how much I struggle and prefer to hide out until I get stable.  It’s difficult for me to invite people into my world when it becomes deprived and desperate, I can handle it, but worry others will have difficulty with it simply because they care about me.

So I knew it was now or never, I had to change course.  At one of the lowest points in my career as an artist, I started inviting my friends back into my world.  And I thought about what it would feel like to have a friend, like me,  that disappears on you all the time, won’t answer her phone and floats in and out of your life when it’s best for her . . . well that would feel LOUSY!  And the message I was sending was, “I can’t be bothered, I don’t care, this is the Jaeda show, don’t ya know”.  The real message was, “I want to wait until I can completely focus on you”. BUT that isn’t what my actions were communicating.  Which is another reason I changed course.  Stress or no stress, good or bad, chaotic or serene, I knew I had to learn how to have people in my life on a consistent and normal basis (which is actually very uncomfortable and unsettling for me).

This attitude also carried over into my art.  I stopped creating for a long period of time, because I was determined to not create any new art until I got my business back up and running.  But I was dying a little everyday that I did not create.  I realized I would have to learn how to consistently create no matter how bad business was.  I  had several friends encourage me to keep creating, telling me that, expressing my creativity would help to fuel my business projects.   It took me until now to follow that advice.  And i am so glad I did!

So today begins a new chapter in the book of my life.  One with friends, creativity and connection, CONSISTENTLY.  My walls are coming down and it is simultaneously terrific and terrifying.

Good news is, I will be doing a photo shoot in a couple of weeks.  It was difficult for me to pick a subject.  I really wanted to delve into my deeper issues and more conceptual, photo-construct type work.  But decided I needed to keep things simple for now, due to time constraints.  So the photo shoot is going to be a celebration of pin-up and old Hollywood glamor, Jaeda style :).  Will feel so good to get back into the studio!  And this is where ABSENTIA abruptly ends . . .

To continue on this journey with me, please read the blog, “SPEAK” below.
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S P E A K

After a freakishly long period of self-imposed seclusion, I have emerged from the ethers of my tiny little universe . . . ready to reconnect,  reach out,  risk and GROW.

I had forgotten how a relationship and new friends can ignite creativity and emotion  in new and novel ways.  I have a 24-hour imaginarium going on in my mind and don’t naturally seek outside stimulation or inspiration and forgot how powerful it can be!  It causes me to push up against myself and take a new inventory. This leads to the discovery of unexplored personal and
 creative terrain as old selves are extinguished and new selves rise up from the ashes.

And that is what leads me to S P E A K.  I am so grateful for every relationship I have ever embarked upon.  Each one offers me a chance to learn and grow, it’s a love evolution.  The lessons are often bittersweet.  I have no regrets.  It’s always worth the risk. One of the greatest lessons, I have come away with, is that we teach people how to treat us, we really do!

Recently, I had a chance to revisit certain aspects of myself, reminded that people often reflect us back to ourselves, though we may not recognize our own reflection right away.  S P E A K seems such a simple thing to do, but it is something I struggle with.  My voice, my power, were taken away so young, I am still learning how to find my voice.  For so long I didn’t have one and took a passive/aggressive approach to getting myself heard.  Took me awhile to realize that the reason passive/aggressive people irritated me so much is because it was a disowned part of myself, that I
 could only acknowledge through others, possessing the same tendency. 

This, of course, also has to do with boundaries.  I desperately wanted them and always expected others to set them for me.  My boundaries were torn down as a child.  I didn’t know what boundaries felt like, looked like or sounded like, it was a foreign land of security and protection that I desperately craved.  And instead of people setting boundaries for me,   they crossed them.  I realized I wouldn’t draw people that set and maintained good boundaries until I became a person that set and maintained good boundaries.

I’ve come a long way on all fronts.  I still struggle to be direct, to stand up for myself, to set and enforce boundaries.  But over the years I have been able to weed all of the toxic relationships out of my life.  I am free and clear that way, and it feels so liberating!  We ARE the company we keep, I have learned this one the hard way.  So every once in a while we should look around ourselves and ask ourselves how we really feel about the people in our lives.  Some friendships are seasonal, some relationships are seasonal . . . they are only meant to be a temporary part of our journey, other friends, other relationships are meant to endure to the end. 

People tell you who they REALLY  are by their actions, their behavior, the way they speak of their past, what they share and what they don’t and by the way they treat others in their life.
Through everyday conversation and the unraveling of time you can tell what a person wants, what their issues are, what they need, what they want from you.  All you have to do is be a keen observer and a good listener.

One of the best gifts we can give people is our integrity and honesty.  If we don’t want to be friends with someone and do so out of guilt or fear, are we really doing that other person any favors by placating them?  Set them free, let them discover a new person that really wants their friendship. Sure they will be hurt short-term but give them some credit, they will manage and they will move on.  I firmly believe that one-sided attractions and friendships are a recipe for needless suffering.  Relationships   need to be balanced and interdependent.

Relationships are best when they encourage us to give from a place of love, freedom and abundance.  Relationships shouldn’t steal from you, they should enhance your life, enhance your world.  This is why toxic relationships never work. Love is not possession or manipulation.

And I am going to say it, the big “E” word.  The Ex . . . When I was younger I would try and stay friends with my ex’s, not wanting to completely miss out on the love we once expressed to each other, the friendship, the emotional investment I made. This made it really difficult to heal from the relationship and move on. But then, inevitably,  someone new would come along and being entangled with my ex’s meant  the new person in my life didn’t have a clean emotional slate with me . . .  as my past was in the present, haunting and complicating a budding relationship.

I feel that Ex’s are best left in  our heart,  memories and photo albums.  They played a significant role in our lives at one time and we shouldn’t pretend they don’t exist but it’s also good to live in the present and be fully ready to embrace new experiences free from sticky emotional residue.  Emotional limbo is NOT a good place to be. However, I am not referring to relationships where children are shared, I have no experience with that and I can’t really speak to it.
                                                      
Patterns are meant to be broken . . . we are romantically drawn to the ones that hurt us at our core, that bring up our wounds from childhood.   They call to our inner-child and that makes us feel whole and alive with fantasies we will change the ending, and unlike our caretakers, they won’t hurt us, instead they will heal our old hurts and we will  live in love’s bliss.  It makes that persons love GOLD to us. We all have a hurt panel with the wrong buttons waiting to be pushed by the right person.  That’s what gives us our pattern. BUT patterns are meant to be broken.  We can make a conscious choice to not fall into a pattern. We can seek to heal our wounds and co-create/nurture healthy relationships.

I am so far from being a relationship expert!  LOL But I have learned so many of the above lessons, the hard way and was bursting to share my experiences.            

More and more, people are showing me fundamental aspects of myself, that I need to change on a core level and I am grateful for the revelations and the chance to learn and grow :).  Relationships can go a long way toward self-discovery and enriching our interior lives.  Each person can open up a new universe inside of us.

Thank you to every single person that has touched my life, transforming it in the most amazing and unexpected ways.

PEACE and LOVE
j a e d a

                                                                                                                                                 

Face the Pain - Self Portrait - © Jaeda DeWalt

I’ve been reaching into the recesses of my childhood, as of late, trying to extract the magic from the tragedy.  When I was younger, I wouldn’t let myself think too much about my childhood.  It was militant and hyper-religious, at best.  And kind of bizarre . . . I remember my dad being a super-intellect, eccentric genius; into his aviation, flight simulators, artificial intelligence, computers and science fiction (and i love him dearly). Emotionally he was almost robotic, treating us more like work colleagues than his children, but that was just my Dad, being himself.  Now i can laugh about it, in fact . . . he reminded me a lot of Data on Star Trek.

While my mother, of whom, was sick a lot, spent much of her time in bed, losing herself in sappy soap operas, macrame/crocheting/needlepoint projects and the latest gossip. As a result, my sister and i had to assume much of the household responsibility, very young.

It was an emotionally barren, love-starved environment laced with dark secrets that were painful to live, painful to keep. On the surface our family may have seemed eerily perfect.  Perhaps no one suspected that all was not as it seemed.  I had to call upon a tremendous amount of inner-strength to maintain my sanity and to survive.

As I got older, I realized I would have to wade through those painful childhood memories, so the happier ones, could be free to surface.  I noticed that when I shut down negative feelings like anger, fear, or sadness, I was also shutting down my ability to experience positive feelings such as joy, love, and happiness.

I surprised myself by all the magic that came bubbling up to the surface, when I reached back into memory.  I have beautiful memories of sailing two weeks out of every summer.  My dad sold our power boat after some rocky excursions that resulted in sea sickness. After that, our family took sailing lessons and became certified, so we could rent a sailboat.  I remember falling asleep to the melodic sounds of the sea, nestled tightly in the bow of the sail boat.  The places we went and the people we met were rich with unexpected things.  I loved the smell of salt water and sea weed, of sun on my skin.

I have happy memories of my sister and I standing on the bars of our swing set and singing at the top of our lungs.  I remember riding my bike around my neighborhood for hours and roller-skating until the street lights came on and I had to return home.  I also had fun playing street tennis with the neighborhood children, creating spy games and climbing trees.  I also remember Pac Man Fever, the joy of the arcade and Atari.  LOL

There was a beautiful creek in-between/behind the neighboring streets.  I used to walk that creek with my best friend, Shaota.  We would talk for hours and get out of our not-so-happy home lives for awhile.  It was a welcome, nature-inspired escape from reality.

I loved walking to my school bus stop because their was a beautiful horse pasture across the street.  In the fall, the fog would hug the grass and softly roll across the dew-kissed ground.  Horses would trot across the field as their warm breath trailed behind them in the cool morning mist.  It was beautifully surreal.  I remember yearning to be and feel that free.

When I was younger I was quite a little sprinter and loved running ahead of my classmates during P.E. in the fall, feeling the cold air strike against my hot skin.  I loved when I could get into a running space by myself and enjoy a few brief moments of solitude as I pushed my body to the limit, feeling the sting of cold air being sucked into my oxygen-deprived lungs.  Made me feel so vital and alive, literally keeping pace with the rhythm of life.

My parents MADE me take piano lessons from age 8 to 16.  I HATED my lessons but was so grateful to be taught the piano.  I would only learn enough of my weekly lessons to scrape by and would spend the rest of the time, learning to play my favorite songs by ear and re-arranging them to my liking.  I’d also  improvise, making up whatever song wanted to be created inside that moment.  I would go down to our basement and play that piano for hours at a time.  Getting lost inside my own world, SAFE, for a time - nothing else existed.  Playing the piano soothed and nurtured my soul.

I’d also escape into books.  My parents didn’t bother with introducing us to the classics, but I still loved the books I read.  I remember the joy of reading books like, “James and the Giant Peach, The Box Car Children, Nancy Drew / Hardy Boys Super Mystery books, and The Chronicles of Narnia”.  I also remember being introduced to the fabulous Ray Bradbury and “Fahrenheit 451" in 6th Grade. And Eric Arthur Blair’s, “1984". And of course there were the amazing books, “The Grapes of Wrath, Catcher in the Rye and Of  Mice and Men. The library was one of my favorite places to go.  And I remember my Mormon mind being shocked and entranced by my first introduction to V. C. Andrews with the book, “Flowers in the Attic”.  I felt like such a bad girl, reading that series of books! LOL

I also recall fond memories of sitting in my room, listening to music why I wrote in my journal and composed Gothic poetry that was far too along for my years. LOL

I spent A LOT of time in hospitals, my mom was ill often and underwent numerous surgeries.  I had my share fair of time in hospitals, too.  BUT hospitals and waiting rooms were a fascinating world to me.  Workers in pristine white, men in green masks emerging from the swinging surgery doors . . . the feeling of tension in the halls as life and death loomed in the balance.  I remember the strange scent of chemical disinfectants permeating the air, coupled with the sounds of life-sustaining medical equipment.  It was a strange, surreal world that i found endlessly fascinating.

All, in all, I am evolving in my healing and I thank you for sharing this journey with me, in words.

PEACE and LOVE
j a e d a :)

No, your eyes are not playing tricks on you, the images you are about to see were taken in natural light, that's right, i said it, ME in natural light.  Everyday me, no surreal haze, no glam make-up, no bright lights, a perfectly flawed and REAL me.  This temporary lapse in the ethereal, can be blamed on sleep deprivation! LOL  I was limited as i had no tripod, no camera remote.  So it was kind of an arms-length shooting bonanza!  I am too tired to color correct and all that jazz so you will see my skin in a strange multitude of hues ;).

My morning started with a game of "to-catch-a-cat".  My little whiskered child knew something was up and sought refuge under my couch, then ran into the kitchen and made an impressive leap onto the top of the fridge and then above the cupboard. Poor little girl was terrified.  I had to get her out of the apartment before the fumigation began.  I ended up enlisting the help of my apartment manager.  And i was a bit uneasy about having her see my place - as i had managed to avoid it, thus far.  I saw her scan my wall of naked torso mannequins and i am sure she couldn't help but notice the narcissistic shrine to myself that graced my walls, in the form of super-sized framed prints of . . . you guessed it, ME. LOL  Naked-bodies-as-art type books completed the effect.  She could not get out of my "Just Jaeda" apartment fast enough!

And nothing says "i live in a posh apartment" like getting an exterminator notification on your door. Ewwh! I haven't seen any critters but was told it was a "preventative measure".  I stayed up all night gutting my kitchen and closets and am running on fumes,(no pun intended).  On top of that, my normally minimalist apartment was stuffed to the gills with re-organization projects, piles of stuff reaching to the ceiling.  The timing couldn't have been worse for me, so i had to move these projects, it took hours and hours.

I don't have two pennies to rub together and no car, so i was wondering where i would go for 4 hours while they zapped my apartment.  I decided a walk to the park probably wouldn't be so bad.  But i was so tired physically, i just wanted to sleep.  So i sat outside on the pavement, contemplating if and where i would go.  And a man appeared out of seemingly nowhere, we exchanged names and he asked me what was wrong.  I told him i was kicked out so they could exterminate my apartment and i am so tired, got 4 hours to kill and all i want to do is sleep.  Like the wish granter that he was, David motioned across the street and said he maintained the neighboring apartment complex and had an empty unit where i could sleep.

I hesitated a moment and thought, this is either a dream come true or i am going to end up on the next episode of Forensic Files!  All these morbid scenarios started to play out in my head, Flashing across the 5'oclock news, "Seattle resident, Jaeda DeWalt, left her apartment in the early morning hours, last seen leaving with mysterious stranger . . ."

I decided there were enough people around, enough witnesses ;).  So i followed him and his co-worker into the empty apartment.  David showed me an empty room where i could sleep and quietly left.  Only checking on me once when he left for lunch, knocking on the door first and waiting for me to answer.  And then he returned again at the end of the 4 hours.  He was such a gentleman :).  He treated me with the utmost respect.  He just let me sleep.  BUT . . . remember, this is me were talking about! LOL

I was tired but could not resist the chance for an impromptu photo op.  I marveled at the run down appearance of the newly emptied apartment.  Rather than seeing something scary that i prayed i would not get lice or fleas from . . . i saw a place with a lot of character, a place that told a story, maybe a sad story.  So with one eye constantly monitoring the front door, i proceeded to snap pictures of the rundown apartment and of course, pictures of myself, in the apartment.   Pictures on the carpet, pictures in the corner, the closet, the blinds, you get the idea.The hours passed quickly and my challenging day was brightened by the kindness of a stranger.  Thank you David!

I'm already hyper-analyzing my experience because . . . i can not help myself!  And i love what walking into that damaged apartment represented, for me. As i looked down at my body map of scars, bruises and cuts, i realized how much character these imperfections give me - they tell a story.  We are all BEAUTIFULLY flawed.  I also came away being a lot more grateful for my apartment.  Today, i was reminded, things, could indeed, be worse.

I'm saving most of the pictures i took of the apartment for use as future backdrops in my studio shoots.  Eventually they'll pop up as beautiful decay in my art ;).

I realize this is a bit scattered but i have been up 28 hours and counting!

Lots of love to my MySpace family and (((HUGS)))
j a e d a :)


Strange 4-hour sanctuary




Crammed into a very tiny closet.


Notice the band-aids on three fingers.  ALWAYS wear gloves when using cleaning chemicals!
Closet was so tiny i kind of had to fold myself up!




I am not dead! I am just tightly squeezed into a closet.




I thought this kind of creepy, wondering what might be buried underneath that suspicious looking board.

I've sure missed my Myspace family!  I've been busy, busy trying to stay afloat as a full-time artist, in this difficult economic time.  But if i wait until i have time to post something it will be months before i blog.  So i decided a quickie was better than nothing ;).

First off . . . I wanted to invite you to flutter over to Twitter:
http://www.twitter.com/jaedadewalt
and join my new page there :).  So put on your prettiest set of wings, start flapping and i'll see you soon!  Follow me and i'll follow you ;)
 

Second, i will be finishing my Striped Emotions series by months end and finally get it posted!

I am currently working on Cafepress and Zazzle art products and then my website needs a major overhaul.  After that i need to get my next book finished as i am striving to get it published by September.  And then, i should finally have some time to get back into the studio and start creating new stuff!

On the creative horizon are also plans to take my art to You Tube by uploading interviews, poetry readings, multi-media creations and snippets of my quirky life.

I miss creating but i also want to make sure the rent gets paid! LOL

A reminder that i am also on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/jaedadewalt
and i would love to see you there too!

I now have art-tshirts available, including organic!  As well as some other new eco-friendly and organic art products.  They can be acquired through Cafepress or Zazzle:

http://www.cafepress.com/jaedas_artscape
http://www.zazzle.com/jaeda_dewalt_art





Wish i had new art to share but this is it for now.
Wishing my Myspace family a wondrous and blessed week!

LOVE and LIGHT
XOXO
j a e d a :)

The Red Stripe - Self Portrait - © Jaeda DeWalt





The Sadness - Self Portrait - Striped Emotions Series - © Jaeda DeWalt





I wanted to preview the first image in my Striped Emotions series. I am still working on the other images in this series. I like challenging myself in new ways, with my self-portraits. And i thought it would be interesting to see if i could make it look like i was interacting with myself . . . in some way.

I shot this series against a green screen.  The background was taken from a photo-shoot i did at an industrial site in Seattle. The watchman was kind of enough to let me onto the grounds and gave me a tour and all access pass with my camera.

With this image i was striving to convey the extreme sadness i feel with manic depression. Over the years i have discovered that sadness is often anger, spread really thin, masquerading as melancholy. Anger is an emotion i have a very difficult
time allowing myself to feel and express, i often repress it. As a child i was not allowed to express my feelings or my anger. There is a detachment that comes with sadness, a disconnect from the self, from the world . . .

BUT i am in a good place at the present moment and i am getting better at managing the emotional tidal waves that manic depression brings . . . my DBT workbook has offered me some valuable coping skills, tools and techniques.

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I am happy to finally be back in the studio, doing what i love best . . . creating new work and sharing it with everyone :).

I had to take a long leave of absence from the studio to work on the business side of my art.  I finally got enough done to allow me some studio time.  I will finish my "striped emotions" series out and then my "red zone" series, both of which, i photographed this past weekend and then i will be giving my website a much needed overhaul.

Exciting new things are on the horizon!
In the next month i will be adding videos of myself to include; surreal poetry recitations, cute little jaeda-mercials for my art products and diary style videos where i simply share my thoughts and feelings on various things.  I will also be including interviews.

I will also be adding apparel to my Cafepress shop over the next few months, that feature my artography. And my next artography book is set to be released in approximately 3 months. 

Thank you to everyone that has commented on my art over the years, supported it, and offered an encouraging word . . . you make my heart smile wide!

PEACE, LOVE and INFINITE BLESSINGS :)
j a e d a

For my b-day, Adair came to visit me and we spent the day photographing our beautiful Emerald City.  I have no pictures of the Seattle Skyline because none of my pictures turned out!  But Adair got some good ones so check out her photo albums to see those :)  Here comes the first part of our day . . .


Before we leave, Adair cuts my hair.  Here she is pictured putting the finishing touches on my haircut.  Say goodbye to my long tresses, it's time for a dramatic change!  I will be doing a pin-up series soon and this hairstyle will allow me to style my hair into hairstyles of the 1920's, 30's and 40's.  Then i'll grow it back out :).


We are off and running, onto our first destination . . . Lincoln Park.


Adair snaps a picture of me framing a nature shot.  I am holding a camera, I really, really am! It's just so tiny that you can't see it.  I think passersby thought i had an imaginary camera and a really vivid imagination!  LOL  However, it is not what you have, it is what you do with it ;).  And Ms. Jaeda can pimp a good picture!



Adair takes a picture of me pointing at something way out yonder.  It's an epic moment ;).


Down the steps i go . . . weeeeee-eeeeeeee-ee-ee-e


Adair suggested we pose for a picture with nature as our beautiful backdrop.  She set this shot up and made good use of her self-timer. 


I finally snuck a picture of Adair doing her nature picture-taking magic :).
She has an awesome camera and is quite the photographer!


Meanwhile, i stand at the end of the path, at the edge of my perception . . .
contemplating my existence, as fate lay at my feet.  I, asking myself, the big questions ;).


I am used to working in a studio or photographing the city, buildings, industrial sites for photo-construct purposes.  It was a challenge for me to photograph nature.  Nature is natural but ME in nature is very UN-natural! LOL  Here is one of my better shots of the day.  Mostly i took pictures of textures and anything i could use to construct surreal backgrounds for future photo projects.  Check out Adair's photo albums for some really beautiful nature pictures.  She has lots of good ones!


Another half-way decent shot :).


Another picture of Adair in her element.


I love this picture, i look so happy.  Adair took this while i was scanning my environment for good photo-ops.


The sun kept toying with us that day.  It came out for a brief moment . . . as I spotted this adorable dog happily fetching, sticks in the water, for his Papa.


I was happy it was an overcast day, as it gave more depth and dimension to these pictures of the Faunterloy Ferry dock.  I love the way the clouds scattered across the sky, that day.


We were at Faunterloy so of course i had to take a picture of the Ferry!


Welcome to my nostrils . . .
This picture of me is so awful! LOL But it was so cute of Adair, i had to post it.
I am hungry so we return to the car and went to grab a quick bite.  I get so mean when i go more than 3 hours without eating.  Once my blood-sugar drops, watch out . . . i turn into the Jaedaminator!  I started growling and Adair started driving!


You know what they say . . . Good, Good, Fresh, Fresh!
They were nice and let me customize my Veggie wrap which was really good.


Adair, focuses on her camera and i hang out in my own little universe ;)


We must have taken about 75 pictures of us at lunch.  2 cameras
snapping away all through our meal.  We attracted some strange stares but we didn't care, it was fun!


Adair and i glance into the future via the Admiral Way look-out telescope.  Bet  you didn't know it could do that . . . and all for only 50 cents!


I caught a glimpse of the ominous sky with my camera. It was stunning!


Adair trying to get away from the prying eyes of my camera.  LOL


Adair and i become tree monkeys! 




Poor Adair set up all the shots and had to set the self-timer and then run like hell to the tree and climb it at warp speed.  LOL  She missed a few times and it was pretty funny.


*giggle*


Well, i am like the absent-minded professor (minus the linear mind) and am forever leaving things behind.  That day, i left my hat at the park.  We had to drive back and get it.


Retreiving my hat.


Back on the road, we head back to reality after a day of fun.  Another horrid picture of me, but again, i posted it because Adair is making faces at the camera and i love this picture of her.



Adair gets a gazillion BFF points for getting me a VEGAN cupcake WITH icing and sprinkles.  It was so yummy.  Adair isn't into cake but she wanted to make sure i got my b-day cupcake because i LOVE cake!

Read my interview, learn more about my creative process & fun artist factoids ;)

Artist Feature: http://artists.art.officel..ive.com/JaedaDeWalt.aspx
V-day Article: http://artists.art.officel..ive.com/ArtistJaedaDeWaltP..artDeux.aspx
Book Feature: http://greatbooks.books.of..ficelive.com/JAEDAshadesof..thesoul.aspx

Articles crafted by Dawn Bonner - Editor in Chief - Living Life . . . Boomer Style Magazine:
http://www.myspace.com/dawnbonner

LOVE and LIGHT
j a e d a :)



P.S. I'm on Facebook - Join Me :) - My Personal Page:
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jaeda_DeWalt/1453007731

My Facebook Art Page:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jaeda-DeWalt/45791838945

01.    I’m kind of like the bionic woman . . . all of my senses are heightened and turbo-charged.  It’s hard for me to be in public environments because the noises, scents and energy are so loud to me - I can become quickly overwhelmed. I startle very easily. I also have night-blindness which makes my eyes extremely sensitive to light. I’ve tried to describe what it’s like to others and I guess it’s kind of like wearing a hearing aid when you don’t need one or experiencing life through a really bad-ass amplifier!  LOL  I’m always in, “high alert” mode.  One day, I finally sought a diagnosis and learned that the name for this phenomena is PTSD.  I like quiet, the sound of silence, is beautiful to me.

02.    I battle physical and mental demons everyday. I have Fibromyalgia, Crohn's Disease and am BiPolar/PTSD/ADHD.  It is my passion for creating art that gets me up and over those hurdles.

03.    I don't drink or smoke and i am a vegan :).

04.    I am never bored, there are too many things I want to experience, explore, learn and accomplish.  My mind and imagination are moving at warp speed 24/7. I am purpose and passion orientated, purpose + passion = BLISS :).  I am reluctant about spending time with others to just “hang out” or socialize . . . but give it a purpose and/or meaning and I’m there. I have a rich interior life and am internally motivated. Time is my love language, i value MY time ;)  If i were to paint a visual of that . . . it would be of me clutching a giant clock,  growling and snipping at anyone that dare try and steal a single solitary second away from me! LOL 

05.    I suffered a severe head concussion (with several more to follow) when I was two that won me a trip to the hospital.  My mother always brings that up as the reason that I am “weird and messed up” whereas my dad explains it away as it just being my “artistic temperament”. I do think the head injuries, or brain injuries rather, could be what caused my ADHD.

06.    ADHD was my enemy in school but it is my ally in art :).  I can hyper-focus on things that interest me and my eye for detail is crazy good!  I do struggle to learn new things but i am very innovative with what I do learn. But force me into something that fails to interest me and my attention will dart all over the place.  In person, my hyperactive-ness  is often mistaken for high-energy or enthusiasm.    When a topic of conversation interests me, i tend to dominate it and often interrupt . . .  I kind of have a pressured-speech thing going so it takes a really strong personality to override that and get a word in edgewise!!  And I talk really, really fast. And if it isn’t painfully obvious here . . . I also speak fluent Tangentese.

07.    I am not materialistic.  I don’t have much, but everything I have, I own. I am debt free and in today’s, “have now, pay later” society - that is saying a lot!  It’s not always easy, but I live within my means.  The words "comfortable and lavish" would NOT describe my lifestyle!  LOL What people have is of little importance to me, what they ARE is much more important to me.

08.    When I was in high school, I had this not-so-brilliant idea to sneak my boyfriend Alan, into my bedroom.  I was having a total love affair with Alan's MIND.  He was far from attractive or romantically charming but he was so intellectually brilliant, a bit odd and very eccentric. I eventually realized his beautiful mind couldn’t make up for a lack of chemistry or compatibility.  But I digress . . . The reason for sneaking him into my bedroom, was not for the reasons you may think ;).  He was going to bring over Pink Floyds, The Wall.  Which I had not seen yet and I was totally jazzed about it.  So I put my pathetic plan into action: I stayed up very late,  dressed all in black, snuck down to the local park on foot and met him there.  We walked up to my house and snuck in the back door that lead directly into my bedroom.  A few seconds later my Dad popped out from behind my bed and yelled, “Surprise!”.  Oh I was mortified! LOL But . . . in all the excitement, Alan dropped his video and left it behind, so I did get to watch “The Wall” afterall.  

09.    I  ran away from home as a teenager, living on Vashon Island, running away meant taking the ferry and going “overtown”.  People knew something was up pretty quickly because I didn’t show up for my shift at the local pharmacy (I worked for a couple of years as a Pharmacy Technician, pharmacology is fascinating.). I lived in my car for several days, I was having a complete mental meltdown.  I kept parking at various church parking lots around the city. But it's kind of hard to "hide" when you drive a 1978, white,  4-door, Ford Torino. And Unbeknownst to me, my father rented a helicopter and was searching the area for me.  And my BFF, Adair, went looking for me too.  She actually found me and our eyes met across the parking lot. I started up my car and bolted.  I felt so guilty about that, but I didn’t want to be found.  So finally the police were sent out to fetch me and make me come home.  It was all very dramatic. 

10.    In grade school, i had a strange and fascinating classmate named Greg.   He was thin, with pasty-pale skin.  He used to rev himself up the way one would try and start a push mower.  He'd pull an imaginary starter lever and would mimic a lawnmower starting up perfectly.  Once, "revved up" he'd keep that motor sound going and chase a few of the girls around, at recess.  He didn't run normal, he had this way of leaning to one side - it was unique.  He had a few girls singled out, i was one of them.  He had a thing for chasing me down, then kind of circling me, before  pinching me in the ribs.  He was a kick.  I wonder whatever happened to that boy . . .

11.    I grew up in a hyper-religious, very strict, Mormon household.  My Dad came from a mother, of whom, was Jewish and a father, of whom, was Christian.  My mother was raised Catholic but decided to convert to Mormonism when i was 4 years old.  When i was a senior in high school, my parents divorced and it was at that time my father asked to be ex-communicated from the Mormon church and said he was, "tired of faking it" and admitted he was agnostic.  My mother stayed in the church, i left and slowly started to navigate my own spiritual path.

I don't regret my Mormon upbringing.  It taught me discipline and gave me structure.  We had Family Home Evenings every Monday.  Church on Wednesday evenings and 3 hours of church on Sunday.  And then i had to go to seminary for an hour, before school - during my high school years. There was a whole lot of church going on back then!

12.     I am a private person and go to great lengths to preserve my little self-created universe. Few people know where i live, for a reason. I am chameleon-like with excellent interpersonal skills.  So when  people first meet me, they often mistake me for being social and/or extroverted. I am neither. I can quickly assess people and how best to connect to them.  And they often mistake this for feeling a connection to me, when all i am doing is reflecting back, whatever they project onto me. When i first meet people, i kind of pretend i am a talk-show host and they are the guest i am interviewing.  I am good at listening to others in a way that makes them feel understood, valued and validated.   When someone can tune into my frequency and reach back - that is gold.  I expose myself so much through my art (literally LOL), i have to have some part of me that is off limits.  So in, "real life" i only have a few close friends.  I desire to invest my time with people (in person) that i can co-create a spiritual, emotional and creative connection with . . .

13.    The boutique I was working for at my last, “real job” (as an administrative assistant and visual merchandiser) went bankrupt and I was unemployed.  The fact that they used to pay me cash out of the til and couldn't always pay me full-wages, was kind of a tip off, of things to come. I decided it was now or never and went full-time with my creative pursuits.  I started modeling for other photographers and studied their techniques. The money kept a roof over my head until my art started earning some income.  I started from nothing, no business loan or investors or anything like that.  I made myself a small home studio and office and was determined to make it work.  I adopted a “fake it until you make it” mentality and I’m still here, doing what I love full-time!

14.    I love dance.  Over the years i have taken ballroom, jazz, modern and belly-dancing  lessons.  My favorite . . . belly-dancing.  There is nothing cuter or sexier than a figure 8, hip-bump and shimmy. 

15.     I am hyper-analytical and rather methodical in my approach to life . . . YET I understand things by absorption rather than logic and have a keen intuition.  To say that I am non-linear would be an understatement!  I have an ephemeral, dreamy and impractical nature. And while these attributes serve me creatively . . . they make it challenging for me to handle life out in the “real world”.

16.    I graduated from the cheesy National School of Broadcasting, class 6700.  I don't know what good my certificate of completion would do me now, they went bankrupt, shortly after I graduated.  But it was a lot of fun!  I acquired an internship running the boards, overnight, at a local easy-listening radio station, i learned a lot and our student station had the, “hottest rock around the block”!  I was nick-named  “the fox of the airwaves”.  I was the only girl in the class as the other two girls dropped out, so male attention was in rich supply ;).  I didn’t pursue a career in radio because I couldn’t stand being confined to that little box and told what to say and play.  However, I loved doing voice-overs and hope to do some more of that in the future.

17.    I respond to the world through emotion, rather than physical action, practicality, or intellect.  I am  sensitive and compassionate toward the feelings of others.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and absorb other people’s feelings, pain and problems.  I have an amazing ability to reach out to others and intuitively know what they need.  I have had my compassionate nature taken advantage of more than a time or two, but I refuse to build walls around myself and have learned to be resilient.

18.    The one word people have used to describe me, from the time I was in kindergarten, is “sweet” :).  In person i am giddy, impish, quirky, dynamic and dare i say . . .  adorable.  I get excited about everything from going to grab a latte, to grocery shopping to seeing a local art exhibit.  I have a vibrant enthusiasm for life.

19.    In high school my sister set me up with a Mormon guy that was a member of a neighboring church "overtown".  A handsome, athletic, muscle-bound, steroid pumping  (of his own admission) kind of guy. What she failed to tell me, is . . . that he was fresh out of Juve for manslaughter. Aaron wrote me the most beautiful poetry, despite still being completely obsessed with his ex-girlfriend - I'll give him that. He used to chant this creepy psycho-babble to me (in that subtly unsettling kind of way, that only stalker-licious people can) about how he wouldn't be able to continue on if i left him.  Our last date ended with him looking for me in Vashon Island's Park-N-Ride as i hid, freaked out in the shadows, hearing him call for me "Jaeda, Ja-a-a-a-e-e-e-d-d-dah, where are you?".  And after i finally had the courage to end it with Aaron, he showed up with his crew  of guy friends at my place of work - acting all bad ass, demanding the return of his jacket.

20.    I am a fraternal twin.  My sister and I look nothing alike and are as different as night and day.  My mother says we had our own little language when we were wee little tikes. I think it’s neat that I had a wombmate and didn’t come into this world alone.

21.    I used to work in the kitchen of a nursing home, while in high school. The pay was great but  I didn’t last there very long.  It broke my heart to walk into work each day . . . it was like the damned of the living dead.  I used to have this elderly woman, named Polly, come to the kitchen, always dressed in her purple sweatsuit.  She had this, hunched over, creepy way of shuffling across the linoleum floors with her house slippers, it made a distinct sound.  And in her impish, child-like voice, she would crane her neck up at me and ask me the same question, “Can I please have a Popsicle?”  She was sweet and harmless but we weren’t allowed to give her Popsicles because of the salt content, so rather than keep telling her no . . . I would just dive behind the counter when I heard her shuffling down the hall toward me. I felt so guilty about that.  Props to everyone that works in the health-care industry. It takes both  compassion AND a strong spirit, to do that kind of work and service.

22.     I was a huge flirt in grade school. Every school year i developed a new crush and would pick out the boy i was going to marry someday. I was very physical and hyperactive playing basketball with the boys at recess or chasing them down and throwing them up against the wire that fenced in our playground. And the boys would frequently chase me all over the football field at recess because I was such a fast little sprinter and they couldn't catch me unless I let them. I didn't feel I was all that cute back then but I was a lot of fun to talk to and the boys enjoyed my flirtatious, spunky and hyperactive nature. My sister used to sit on the bench at recess, pointing at me and saying, "There goes my sister!" as I raced passed her with a herd of boys chasing after me, trailing behind in my dusty wake. She got such a kick out of that!

Then there was the cross-country track team thing. My 5th grade teacher and track coach, Mr. Sundin, recruited me for the team, after seeing me out-run the boys at recess. My sister joined the cross-country team too. My fraternal twin sister and i had matching black sweatsuits for P.E. We were nicknamed "the black shadows" for the way we raced across the track field in our black sweatsuits. My sisters popular friends always cheered her on and not me, ticked me off, so out of spite i would push myself to run even faster so i could place ahead of her in competition. She always came in right behind me though . . . My running career ended when i hit puberty, that slowed me way down and i didn't want to knock myself out or give myself black eyes or anything like that ;).

23.     I love animals.  They have so much love to share and they live honestly. What counts with them is what you are, not your status or station in life.  These qualities make them a joy to be around.  I only have one pet, a cat, she's all black, including her nose, whiskers and paws.  She has some Siamese in her so she is very expressive and talkative.  I love her heart-shaped face and pointy ears.  She knows she's pretty and has a lot of attitude.  But she is very lovie when she wants to be and has, softened some, over the years.  She makes me laugh, everyday, with her quirky behaviors. She is my first and only whiskered child.  She is 12 years old and i hope i get to have many more years with her.  I adore her.  I wish i lived on a couple acres of land with a pond with a cozy little house and studio.  Then i could adopt more, furry little creatures, to love.

24.    I am not a skilled driver and gladly sold my car many years ago and don’t miss it a bit!  My worst accident was while driving to Bellevue to work on a rainy morning, during rush-hour.  I accelerated to try and make my upcoming exit because no one would let me over.  I skidded and swerved in the rain, took the light pole up and out of the ground with the impact of my car as I crashed into it. The light pole, then fell over, onto a passing van.  Thankfully, no one but me, was seriously injured.  It took me months to recover and i kind of permanently messed up my back.  Unfortunately, I have had lots of car accidents over the years, sadly . . .most of them were my fault.

25.    My dad owned a 27-foot Bayliner.  When my sister and i were children, my Dad would take us out on the boat, as a family - to the San Juan Islands for two weeks.  I loved being out on the water and boating was an adventure!  But the rocking and horrible way the boat took the waves made me sick.  My Dad got rid of the boat and had the family take sail-boating lessons - a requirement to rent the sailboats.  From then on, my Dad was in love with sailing.  We worked together as a family to sail the boat to the San Juan Islands.  Sailing was much smoother, keels are great!  But my Dad still needed his space . . .so when we'd get close enough to shore my Dad would toss us  (my sister and i) in the dingy, on a rope and send us off to shore by ourselves.  I loved sleeping in the bow of the sailboat, the unique sound of the harbor and buoys.  It was surreal, to drift to sleep, with the sound of the waves, lapping up against my dreams. And i loved the salty, seaweed-ish scent of the air, it grew on me after awhile.

26.    As a young child, I lived for several years in Phoenix, Arizona.  My dad used to have this red Spitfire and would take us joy-riding around the neighborhood.  I remember having wonderful friends there and we had a beautiful home.  I was crushed when we moved to Seattle. My dad got rid of his red Spitfire and opted for a green Dodge Dart.  I missed my friends and the warm climate.  I used to have dreams I was flying back to my old neighborhood in Phoenix and would be so happy, until I woke-up. BUT eventually, I acclimated to Seattle and love the rainy days and overcast skies.

27.    In grade school i looked pretty "normal" and was very sweet but definitely marched to the unique beat of my own drum!  My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, commented on my report card about my "unique interest in science".  You see, at that time i thought i was going to be a doctor and i was teaching myself everything i would need to know.  I was goal-orientated! While other kids were reading popular fiction, i was checking out books on the brain and the heart.  Books that had these disgusting pictures on the cover and my classmates would point at my books and say things like, "E-E-E-WWWGH GROSS!!"  lol During our library time, i would pester Mrs. Matthews, every few minutes, with medical tidbits of information - i had just acquired, "Mrs. Matthews did you know that your brain uses approximately 20% of the total oxygen pumping around your body!" And she would always reply patiently with something like, "Thank you for sharing that with me Jaeda, that's very interesting to know".  Eventually, I  realized i was too squeamish, absent-minded and non-linear to be a doctor.

28.    I'm an army brat, born in Fort-Gordon, Georgia.  My dad was in the air-force and used the money to pay for his education.  He loved aviation and software engineering.  He got his piloting license and taught flying lessons for a time.  Eventually he got his masters in software engineering and found a way to combine both of his passions.  He now has his own company certifying the software on airplanes and lecturing around the world, teaching others how to do what he does.  My dad is a brilliant, driven man.

29.    I changed my name (it used to be Jana). I learned from a young age that my father had wished to name me Jaeda.  As one of his army buddies had just had a beautiful little baby girl he named Jaeda.  My mother disapproved of the name Jaeda, feeling it was too exotic and weird.  They compromised on the name Jana.  BUT, after hearing that story, i always felt like a Jaeda on the inside, i loved that name!  So when i was 25, i decided to legally change my name.  The name change was symbolic for me, representing a new lease on life. It was a way to start anew :).

30.    I took piano lessons from about age 8 to 16.  HATED my lessons and reading music but LOVED playing the piano by ear.  The metronome was my nemesis! I used to spend all my practice time learning my favorite songs off of the radio by ear and then rearranging them to my liking.  My favorite things to play were ragtime and blues.  Not a performer, I hated recitals and realized piano playing would become more of a personal and private thing for me.  Maybe I will find a way to incorporate it into my art.

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About this post:
I originally wrote this after being tagged to do so on Facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jaeda_DeWalt/1453007731 
I took it as an opportunity to unravel and reveal more facets/aspects of myself :).

*enjoythejourneyinsidemyuniverse*
PEACE and LOVE
j a e d a

My new book, J A E D A shades of the soul is complete! HURRAY!
It is available in 3 different formats:


The book is standard portrait size, 40 pages and is printed on premium paper with 22, 8×10 full bleed images and 11 poems.

Detailed book information can be viewed here:
http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/625673

You can virtually preview the first 15 pages of the book here:
 http://www.blurb.com/books/625673

Please visit:
www.jaedasfineart.com/signed-copy-of-jaedas-book.htm
 to learn how to acquire an autographed/signed copy of my book.





























Detailed book information can be viewed here

You can virtually preview the first 15 pages of the book here

Thank you to everyone who encouraged and supported me with this book project.

I hope this book inspires and delights, makes you feel, connect and is able to transport you to soulful spaces. This was a labor of love and i worked very hard to make this book be the best reading experience it could possibly be!

PEACE, LOVE and LIGHT
j a e d a :)

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Blog Archives - Newest to Oldest

driving along the landscape of a nightmare

dark spaces, desperate places - imagery/poetry

soul gazing - elegant ecstasy - sacred love REvisited *pics/poetry*

bi-polarities and manic reflections . . . *new pics*

*the hours* new pics/series/poetry

love-evolution-revolution . . . *novella-length warning*

dreaming of dirty windows and broken elevators

whats in your tank? - a love-fueled existence - God?

imagination + sugar kisses AND sugared skin *new pics*

the gift of undistracted time - the dream kisses

the masquerading selves - creative gratitude

the melodies - surreal showers - life as luscious

jaeda as marionette - belted bodies - my life as a sink

desperately seeking sally - the dashboard confessionals

THE BLACKNESS . . .

I decided to create this image and share it because i know there are others out there struggling with bi-polarity, mental illness . . . depression.

How this image was created:
This photo construct was created using 3 self-portraits i shot in my studio. The background i photographed while visiting an industrial site that sits overlooking beautiful Alki in Seattle. My friend works at the site and he took me inside the building, we rode the service elevator, it was kind of old and worn looking but i liked the way the light bounced and reflected off of the stainless steel walls, so i snapped a couple shots of the elevator and the idea for the "The Blackness" was conceived.

What this image represents for me personally:
If you look at the 3 images of me in this image you will notice that:
The center version of me has my hands bound/restrained, representing the struggle to keep myself well and alive when i spiral into a sea of suicidal darkness.  The restraints also represent mental restraints and strongholds. In the center version of me you can also see my arm muscles straining to break free of the restraints.

The two versions of me holding the dagger represent the self-destructive tendencies i have when i spiral downward. They represent that side of me that is a danger to myself. And the dark eye-make-up is meant to emphasize just being in depressive state, death, doom - as do the black clothes. And the glamor aspects represent my need to present a pretty little version of myself to the outside world.  It represents my resistance to show the chaotic darkness that hides beneath a beautifully presented exterior.  In real life I always put pressure on myself to look and act like everything is just fine.

Why i created this image:
I wanted an image that could express the dark side of my bi-polar illness. First comes the depression, the fatigue, lack of motivation, feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed. At this stage, all i really want to do is sleep my life away and be left alone. Eventually, the depressive feelings progress into the darker feelings i wrestle with when i spiral down and sink into a suicidal sea of darkness.

Angst takes over and that sea of darkness often leads to suicidal ideation wherein i become completely irrational, my thoughts distorted and everything seems overwhelming and hopeless.  My entire being becomes consumed with angst to the point that it makes me physically ill.  I don't know how to describe it, other than to say it is a physical, emotional and psychological hell.  It is the loneliest place in the world to be.  And it is at this time,  i will often obsess over ways to end it, how i will do it, where my cat will go, what things need to be put into my will, how others will be notified of my death and on and on and on like that.

And i will often rationalize that my death will be a relief to those i love, i will no longer be a burden, they will no longer worry if i am okay, they will no longer have to put up with my mood swings or instability.  I rationalize that it will be easier for them to cope with my death than to cope with my existence. When i get like that, death seems the only plausible solution.

When i come out of the a suicidal state, i become rational again and all that stuff goes out the window and i go back to being solution orientated.  And then i am grateful i didn't act on my distorted thoughts and irrational feelings.

I have been slowly evolving with my coping methods.  My inclination, when i spiral downward, is to shut out the outside world, cut all ties and isolate.  I have to go against those feelings.  So when i spiral down, i reach for the phone and call my best friend.  Doing that makes me accountable to someone.  Then if she doesn't here from me, she knows to push, to keep calling, visit me if necessary.  She becomes my voice of reason and keeps me connected enough to maintain myself through the darkness.  The other thing i do is remind myself, this will pass, it always does, i have to be strong and wait it out, cry it out and just get through it one minute at a time.  Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to weeks and eventually i come out of it okay.  I have also learned making myself accomplish and complete little things will also help keep me going.

One day i remember expecting a delivery and dreading it.  I cried all the way up until the delivery guy showed up.  As soon as the doorbell rang I dried  my tears, offered him a smile and a polite thank you, a little small talk.  I kept it together until he left and then went back to my bedroom and let the tears flow all over again.  But having him show up was good, it gave me a brief reality check, a sense of normalcy.

Another thing i try to do is make myself go out with a friend, even though it's the last thing i want to do.  It's important for me to stay connected, it does help.  It's not that it lifts my spirits or makes me feel okay but it gives me enough reality to help keep my thoughts from becoming too distorted.

Thank you to everyone who has helped to maintain through the blackness so I could be there to embrace the light that is always patiently waiting for me at the end of the darkness.

PEACE and LIGHT
j a e d a
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QUOTES

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
--Peter Koestenbaum

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
--Agatha Christie

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
-- Albert Camus

"Depression is to me as daffodils were to Wordsworth"
-- Philip Larkin

"It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." 
-- Helen Keller

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
-- Kahlil Gibran

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me . . . You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
--Walt Disney

"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."
--- Dr. Al Lorin

---

Blog Archives - Newest to Oldest

driving along the landscape of a nightmare

dark spaces, desperate places - imagery/poetry

soul gazing - elegant ecstasy - sacred love REvisited *pics/poetry*

bi-polarities and manic reflections . . . *new pics*

*the hours* new pics/series/poetry

love-evolution-revolution . . . *novella-length warning*

dreaming of dirty windows and broken elevators

whats in your tank? - a love-fueled existence - God?

imagination + sugar kisses AND sugared skin *new pics*

the gift of undistracted time - the dream kisses

the masquerading selves - creative gratitude

the melodies - surreal showers - life as luscious

jaeda as marionette - belted bodies - my life as a sink

desperately seeking sally - the dashboard confessionals

embarrassing moment - the transparent dream - haunting hands