There have been a billion things on my mind lately. Maybe half of them are worth writing about for complete strangers to read. I haven't had the energy to sit still long enough and think about what was important enough to write about. Maybe it's the early mornings and late evenings I have had at work, but I feel completely worn out. If I had the money, I would go on vacation as soon as the opportunity presented itself - but alas, I am still attempting to finish college course work and hold full-time employment at the same time.

It is awfully nice that my mother let me live with her this year so I could save some money, but I don't feel like any of this space is mine; I can't do what I want here. The in-between of college and real life is incredibly dull for me. I know people my own age who are getting married, working full time jobs that pay at least $20 thousand a year. But here I am, not quite done with school and working just above minimum wage.

I'm tired all the time and don't particularly like the state of my life at the moment; but I am dealing with it. I take my mother's home with timid but open arms because I can't afford not to. My job gives me health coverage, which is great because of how accident prone I truly am. And I have good friends to talk to (when the occasions calls).

But I just can't figure out if my state of tiredness at the moment is true fatigue or just plain laziness. I'm prone to both so it wouldn't surprise me if it were a combination.

At least I can still get up in the morning for work (before the sun comes up).

Defined as...
"to work or involve oneself superficially or intermittently especially in a secondary activity or interest." This was listed 3rd with a few other definitions, mostly pertaining to water and birds.

A friend of mine recently asked me what I have been up to - other than work. Nothing came to mind aside from sleeping and reading. He told me I needed a hobby. Maybe I do; maybe I need something to keep my mind sharp and to whittle away the time. I am thinking of things in which to dabble until I find something to completely enjoy.

As a kid I dabbled in all sorts of activities. I took dance lessons, and played soccer for a year. In middle school I ran on the track team, and in high school my sport was taekwondo. Since I can remember I have been riding horses, but all of these require an instructor, or special facility of some sort.

It is time for me to find an activity which I can teach myself or pick up and put down as time allows. Maybe I should try sketching and writing again. I've considered taking up pottery again as well. Oh the mess I could make with clay, and the smell of it all! That is probably my favorite medium with which to be creative.

I have had a terrible red, bumpy rash on my face for about 3 months, and it finally went away. Looking in the mirror today I noticed how pretty my face really is. I don't say that to be conceited or vain, it's just what I think. The realization that appearance means an awful lot in this world struck me as well through my episode with the bathroom mirror.

I am seriously starting to think that the weather has almost everything to do with mood. It's rainy and cold today, and my sister keeps asking me why I am being such a bitch, which I never thought I could be - and I don't think I am being. I just want to be alone today, I guess. Surprisingly, even in a 3-story victorian it's hard to get away from the rest of the people I live with.

I would like to move, but the only place I can afford, which is the same place I was supposed to move into a few weeks ago, is still unavailable for me. One of my friends was planning on moving to Colorado, but last minute she decided not to. She says that she still wants to go, but that she isn't quite ready for the transition. I was supposed to get her apartment. Instead I am still living at home, and it's not the ideal situation. Really the only plus side of living at home right now is that I have almost no living expenses.

Living at home has multiple drawbacks, though. For one I live at home and I can't really have people over past about 8 PM. And there is no individuality. I feel trapped, actually and that I have to live by my mother's standards and not my own. I also think living at home is wearing me out in the mind, body, and soul. I really just need to live on my own for a while. I think it might even help me figure out numerous complications of my life.

Recently it has reached my attention that it is near impossible to get what you want, or at least what you expect. When I decided to take a quarter off from school and move back to Columbus, I was expecting to find an apartment of my own (or shared), a promotion at work, and a reciprocated love interest. None of these have been presented to me since moving back home. I live with my mother; despite my recent raise I was not promoted to the position I expected - so I can't even afford a place of my own - and the issue of love has become too complicated to even discuss anymore. I just get overwhelmed sometimes when my expectations aren't reached. Alright, so I have a place to live, friends to hang out with on occasion, and a decent job (for what it is).

But something is missing, I'm not quite satisfied. It terrifies me that the rest of my life may remain with something missing. I'm just not as happy as I was my first quarter of college when everything was new and pleasing and I was still a naive, sheltered 18-year old. Maybe ignorance is bliss? But I would rather learn about the world and my life in relation to it.

So there is good and bad in everything, and sometimes you just have to deal with it the best you can. Life sucks.

I've now been in Florida for a week and despite a slight burn, I have almost no tan to speak of. my arms are a bit freckly, though. Suppose it's all due to that fair Irish skin. My sister must not have gotten the memo because she tans much faster than me.

Columbus is calling for me, though. It has become home again, and I never thought it could. For the longest time I thought Athens would become my permanent residence. When I was in middle school I wanted to eventually live in France; I still do, but a way of getting there is not yet conceived.

My friends are in Columbus and that is what matters. Recently I have come to the conclusion that the people in a given place are the determining factor for whether one stays or goes, or is even comfortable. Visiting my father has been great, but this isn't home to me. I want to get back to my friends, my job, my routine.

What is to be done with a socially unadjusted 25 year old who almost refuses to socialize and thinks she has major depression/bipolar/mental problems? The girl practically lives under a rock, possibly held down by her parents (or her fear of leaving them), and can't seem to figure out why she is discontent. She is afraid of men - naked men - yet comes to me with a group of hickies on her neck saying how lonely she is and how frustrating all men are for her. Now, this girl is no whore by any means, and I mean that in all earnestness. There have only been three guys to my knowledge that she has ever liked - and she is still a virgin (unless she isn't telling me something). Those hickes I mentioned are infamous and only ever come from one person: a guy she thinks she likes, a guy I am almost positive likes her, and yet, because of her "christian values" won't take it any further... and she also kind of thinks he is an idiot.

I would like to help said friend. She needs some support. The question is how, and would it eventually drive me insane too?

I like my life, I like my friends, I even like my job for what it is. But helping her would be like taking care of a child, and I don't have the energy or means for that. It's not selfish, it's cautious. I want to help, I really do, but there is nothing I can do. She has to make a change all on her own, she has to grow up all on her own. As much of a friend as she is, I can't do that for her.

A friend of mine recently brought up the point that a large percentage of people our age still live with their parents because they can't afford to live on their own. She and I both live with our parents, and she no longer worries about it because that is the recent trend with college graduates. I feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it either, especially since I still don't have my degree, but I need my own space. It's also really hard to get a job with or without a degree because of the economy, so either way, all of us twenty-somethings are screwed! If you have a job that allows you to live on your own, consider yourself lucky.