Today I broke down. It is painful to my ego to admit that I might be suffering from some kind of post-partum depression. But I have been a self-diagnosed "dopamine junkie" since 1999 - and I just realized that I am so Pod-focused, so depleted in energy, that I have no source of dopamine-production stimuli anymore.

The ego leads me back to thoughts of pleasure. Where are my selfish pleasures now? I have no pleasures of the body anymore, and when I even meditate too long on the lack of pleasure my only release is weeping. I weep as Phoenix cries. It is my only physical release and one of my only selfish acts these days - the mourning of my "old life," my freedoms, my mobility, my pleasures.

Ah, but there is the trap again - the backward glances, the focus on the lack. My friend Myke today reminded me that I should be creative, and not just online - but something physical, tangible. I could argue that I've just produced the most exhaustive and complete creation of my life. But he is right. It is imperative that somehow I muster enough energy and focus to be generative. Not just thinking of business/money - but artistically generative. This is critical to my soul, and to the nurturing of my Pod.

I've been worried about what effect this maternity sabbatical and shift in priorities is having on my career. I am anxious about how I will manage to return to full-time work focus mode and raise my Pod. How can my career advance if I can't take client meetings, or if I can't work overtime on innovating solutions?

I look at my tiny son, whose connection to the infinite was so reassuring when he was in my womb. I search his eyes and open my port, willing him to open up our telepathic link and send me glimpses of the future.

"How is this all supposed to work? How do I make it work? How do I find ease and balance in this newest level of responsibility and consciousness?"

He stares back. Clear grey eyes. Smiles, wiggles, looks around, distracted by the light. Pouts. Furrows tiny brows and grunts. I weep as he watches and listens to me. The lyrics to "This Woman's Work" loop in my head, triggering fresh onslaughts of tears. . .

"I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't."

No time for thoughts of self. Self-care limited to that which is for the sake of the Pod - keeping my energy up, keeping my milk production up, having just enough patience to respond as much as possible to his needs with gentleness, sweetness, nurturing - because that is what he deserves. No time for thoughts of romance. Fresh tears. Dark, unenlightened, sub-optimal word forms and thoughts conspire with sleep deprivation and materialize resentments for which there are no cures nor justifications. I aim to just let the thoughts pass, flow through me, letting them pass.

Dining out on memories now. The dopamine junkie in me is starved, begins to loop back to old memories, if only to squeeze out any leftover chemical reaction to soothe myself. Then I berate myself for looking back. Then I berate myself for berating myself. Then I breathe and jolt myself back into the present moment. Must be present in the moment, musn't miss a precious minute of these early days of Pod's life . . . slipping away like wax melting off a candle . . .

I rock Phoenix in my arms, he quiets, I keep crying, a spontaneous force-restart litany of offering/acknowledging abundance. . . my litany of Thank You's -
Thank you for my healthy perfect son, thank you for my health and recovery, thank you for all the love that I am given, for friends, for family. Thank you for the sentience, thank you for this life, thank you for all the challenges which are so minor in comparison to the lives of those less fortunate, thank you that I have food for myself and can provide shelter and milk for my son, thank you for all my needs which are provided for. Thank you for my son's life and purpose.
Thank you for my life. Thank you for my purpose, my purpose, my purpose. . . .

My purpose is not to satisfy my ego or to fall into its traps of comparative successes.
My purpose is not to be a career oriented over achiever, or even to be acknowledged or lauded for my achievements.

My purpose is the transformation and utmost evolution of my soul and awareness, to live with optimal energetic balance to give and receive love, to transcend the traps of the ego by living simply but with maximum sentience, to use my intellect, experience, compassion, skills and interpersonal intuitions to provide for my survival and the survival of my child primarily, and for the support and betterment of my loved ones/mutual arising, secondarily.

As an individual human on this planet, in this life, this is my purpose.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop. I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation. While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The 1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?" I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty. I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
f) 1pm final prenatal massage
g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens. Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test. All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world.

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line. Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time. Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation. I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails. I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital. If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6. Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7. After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family. It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can. If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day. I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day. I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8. What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2. What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

I. Labor Induction Rescheduled to July 14th - Mark your Calendars!

If you got my last update, I'd announced that I was scheduled to have labor induced on July 12th.
The induction/Pod's Emergence has been rescheduled to Saturday, July 14th.

Reasons why this is cool:
a) July 14th is my husband's (the Podfather's) adopted birthday.
b) July 14th is a new moon
c) July 14th is Bastille Day
d) Because it's a Saturday, more family can come and be with me as I wait on the labor . . .

II. C'mon, DILATE
Okay, so my cervix is totally closed still. I'm not dilated at all. My primary ob/gyn is Dr. Ngo - a conservative, rather clinical man. I had to see his partner, Dr. Farid, the other week. Dr. Farid is an older fellow, kind of brusque and extremely forthright. I told him I was freaking out a little bit about the whole induction process, and he kept waving his hand at me, telling me that with an epidural, it's all a PIECE OF CAKE. (Incidentally, my mother, who gave birth to me and my 4 sisters, keeps saying that childbirth is a PIECE OF CAKE. I wish people would say something else because it makes me really want to eat some cake, which I can't right now, on account of my gestational diabetes)

Dr. Farid said this:

- You have boyfriend? Husband?
- Husband, I say.
- Can he sucks your nipples?
- Wha-ha? I say.
- It will stimulate the oxytocin (he points to my head) - same as the pitocin we use to induce contractions
- Uh, ok, I say.
- And can you Orgasm-uh?
- Um, I haven't in awhile . .
- Orgasm-uh is good . . helps to dilate the cervix...

I half expected him to write it on his prescription pad "Sucks nipples and Orgasmuh"

A conversation with Dr. Ngo:

- So Ma'am (he calls me Ma'am) - you're still not dilated.
- At all?
- Not at all. Completely closed.
- So what can I do? Walk? Jump? Climb stairs? Eat a magical salad?**
- Those things don't really work. .
- So what natural things CAN I do to help me dilate?
- Uh. . ahh. . . sex (he says, really haltingly) - the prostaglandins in the semen help to ripen the cervix. . . and also. . nipple stimulation. .
- Um, okay, thanks.

My sister Nikki found the restaurant online which claims to have a "labor-inducing salad." It's in Studio City. We'll either get that salad, or try to make it here at home, and I'll eat it on Friday night. Also, I've been waddling in the mall. I'm very heavy now - my belly hard and round, and I just discovered that I weigh 178 lbs - terrifyingly close to 2 bills! I can't get up or sit down without an involuntary exposition of "OOF."

III. License to Freak Out

Monday, July 9th - after several days of not sleeping well due to the extreme 100+ F heat here in the desert - I awoke AGAIN at 5am, and made a decision - to give myself full, free license to totally freak out as much as I want about labor, childbirth, etc. until Saturday morning. In previous weeks I was fighting it - berating myself for not having better prepared, or for freaking out or crying at all. Reading preggy books and websites with all these women's labor horror stories and whipping myself up into a fine freaked out state. Totally losing my Optimal Mindset.

New Strategy: To exhaust/blow out my fears and anxieties until I get totally bored of freaking out, so that when Saturday rolls around, I will be hyper-focused and serene, with all my energies and emotions at optimal levels and locked on my psychic link with with Pod.

In a conversation with Heather, I affirmed this for myself:

"There will be money, and jobs, and projects and a place to live, and solutions to all the little dilemmas and logistics
in an ordered sequence
and it's my job
to just stay MINDFUL of the moment I'm in
and execute and exist within this moment
as fully and powerfully and with as much self-awareness as I am capable of.
and all the freaking out about "what if's?" are totally unnecessary and lame
and not authentic to my true self, which I know is prescient, powerful and completely unstoppable
because *I* am the ONLY person who ever could stop me from getting what i want
so even *I* have to tell MY OWN SELF "Get on board, or get out of my way""


IV. Pod has named himself

Everyone asks if we have a name for Pod. I knew that Pod would name himself. And he has. During a recent prenatal massage (wherein Pod and I have our most intimate conversations), I had a mini-dream/visualization: I was sitting, propped up, in the hospital bed, being asked to fill out Pod's birth certificate forms. Without hesitation, I saw myself writing out a name, in my own handwriting, letter-by-letter - until I had Pod's first and middle name. It's definitely an unusual name - poetic, epic, literary - but not one that I would have thought of. I even challenged this vision, by forcing myself to imagine writing a different name - any other name, but in the visualization the letters kept coming out the same - that original name as directed by the Pod. He has chosen for himself, and has also requested that his name be kept secret until he is born. I will honor his request. Only Matt and I know the name. When I was finished with my massage that day, I told Matt "I have news from Pod." We had a special lunch at the little French Cafe at the Grove/Farmer's Market, where I wrote the name on a piece of paper, and handed it over to Matt to read. Matt was stunned, but as we lunched, we both were kind of spaced out, as we mulled over the fit of such a name. We are both committed to honoring Pod's request. My mom's reaction to this: "Yeah, right." But I will not deviate from this vision.

V. Thank you cards on their way out!

I only just went on official maternity leave from my full-time job, so I've finally gotten around to writing my personal thank you notes to everyone who was so kind and generous in their gifts for Pod. We have so much stuff - and we're excited to be using all the Pod-gear! I apologize for the delay in expressing my written gratitude, but please know that I am so blessed, grateful and appreciative of all the kind support of my wonderful friends and family.


More to come, as I am expressing in words as freely as I expect to express milks for the Pod . . . and am thankful for all the emails, phone calls and texts.

Always with more love,

Carmen, the Incubatrix

Launch Sequence Initiated: Pod Emergence Scheduled for July 12th, 2007

---

I've just returned from my final ultrasound, where I found out:

a) Pod is official "in position" - which means he is upside down, his still malleable skull right where it needs to be.
b) Pod is 8 lbs 7 oz ALREADY. He will be a big baby. The ultrasound tech called him a "fatty." I wanted to punch her.

What does this mean?

It means that Pod is ready, launch sequence initiated, and that he and gravity conspire for his emergence with every step I take in an upright position.

It means that I have a nearly 9 lbs bowling ball inside me, pressing down on my bladder and parts.

My sister Nikki, who is back from college in San Luis Obispo, has been driving me and accompanying me to my doctor's appointments lately. My stomach won't fit behind the wheel anymore. We discussed the giant-ness of the Pod and how "excited" everyone is.

"It's hard for me to be excited," I said, "I'm more terrified."

"Ha ha," she said, "TEAR-ified."

I slapped her on the arm. Hard.

I'm not afraid of motherhood or raising a child. But this giant baby, and getting him safely out of his uterus apartment without busting myself open - yes, I am tear-ified.

---

My gestational diabetes is under control, thanks to a very strict diet and constant blood sugar monitoring. So I was able to escape having to shoot myself up with insulin - which the internist had initially told me that he was "80-90% sure" I was going to have to do.

Many thanks to Sylvie - my college roommate, friend and nutritionist - who not only helped to recommend many tasty and diabetes-friendly food choices, but who also sent me a care package of sugar-free/low-carb treats.

---

So, in 9 days or so, July 12th. ( My actual due date is July 18th, but because Pod is so big already, the doctor advised we induce labor one week early. Which originally would have been July 11th, but he's not on call that day, so now it's July 12th)

The hospital will call me as early as 5am on July 12th to let me know when to come in. They tell you on that day, and no sooner, what time they are ready for you.

With my packed bag of clothes, toiletries, music, etc., we will take the 5 minute drive from my mom's house to the hospital.
Park the car, close the door, heart beating fast.
Walk through the doors. Check in. Get my room, as if checking into a hotel.

Wait for the doctor. They'll start me on an IV I guess. More waiting. Maybe an enema so I don't poop the delivery table.
The doctor checks to see how dilated my cervix is. If I'm not already well on my way (need to be 10 cm dilated I think, to deliver),
they'll "stick something inside me" to help "ripen my cervix." Ahem. Then we wait.

I'll make sure my eyebrows and lipstick are done. Then have one of my sisters braid my hair. Have my mp3 player at the ready with a continuous mix of music and meditations. Try to laugh. Record some video footage. Stay chill.

And when I am dilated enough, they start the pitocin to induce my uterine contractions.

Then that's where I hear the "Fun" begins. The pushing, the huffing and puffing, the not pushing, the expanding, the everything that you see in the movies.

Until, until . .. . . .

The entire time my intention is to maintain psychic link with Pod, to help guide him from his safe little haven and into the light as best I can.

---

More thoughts soon. Might as well write it all out to help me cope with the anxiety. Wrangle it all into words and thoughtforms, create neural pathways of how I want the experience to be - as much as I can control is all in my own head. .

Always with more love,

Carmen - the Incubatrix

To be induced on July 12th, 2007.
Still hardcore beneath all the recently soft and rounded edges.

My anti-post-partum depression strategy:

__Order up a new corset from Versatile, maybe some nice latex thing from Syren.
__Pump a 3 days worth of breast milk in advance so I can have several mojitos and a lovely Pinot Noir.
__Walking a lot with Pod and my new super stroller.
__Stay on my diabetes diet for awhile, to help melt away some fatness.
__Full body scrub at Natura, Massage at Touch Massage on Robertson
__Snuggle my baby.

Ram Tzu knows this...

You are caught
In a web of beliefs.
You spin them from
Your own abdomen
They are made from
The substance of your self.

You believe in
Your own power.

You consider yourself
The Source.
Even though
When under duress
You pay lip service
To an all powerful God.

You believe in
The supremacy of technique.

You are convinced that if
You can but manage...

Your mind
Your money
Your breath
Your energy
Your body
Your faith
Your relationships
Your prayers

You will unlock the door
To peace, happiness and contentment.

Guess again.