This is the favorite part of my autobiography-Journey of a Southern Courier-find the rest at urbis.com under the username carolina hermit-I do check that site far far more than myspace

                                                                                                                                                                                          

 

 Chapter 69: Women-What a Concept                                                                     

 

Believe it or not the weirdest part has yet to come.  We're about to leave the non-fictional cold hard world escaping to the imaginary fictional one I've spent all my leisure time in. I decided to go into more detail about my fantasy life.  In a couple of pages we'll delve into the weird world of my own making for a short tour, for it's only there that I truly live.  Not going there would leave out a key piece of the puzzle that is my mental state.  I won't quite swear to having 100% of my mental facilities, after all I have never been diagnosed.  Until the men in white suits put me up on the rack and check my undercarriage I'll try to assume the best.  As for the rest, it happens to be the truth and nothing but the truth, I can't help it.  So help me God.                                                                                             

 

I don't know if this book qualifies as sparkling conversation or not.  I do know that in person I come across as warm milk, likely to put you to sleep. Despite what some of you may be thinking, especially those whom have met me in the flesh, I actually do have cravings, needs, and emotions.  In hopes of revealing my more tender side I decided to set free a choice morsel of my lust.  Letting my libido out to play may upset many of you, but it's the easiest way to show I'm human.  This stone bleeds.  It's also staying true to keeping it real.  It's ironic that I must use fantasy in order to show my real feelings.                                        

 

 

 Before I put this novel to bed I figure I should roll back the covers on a bit of my fantasy life.  It's only fair since I spend so much time day-dreaming.  It may be a key ingredient to what keeps me going.  Besides after all that depressing recollecting I could use some fun.  I figure anyone who's read this far deserves a reward as well.   I've become sick of talking about poor poor pitiful me.  Enough with exploring my inner self on the path to enlightenment; it's only fair that I show the shallow part of my character after spending so much time in the deep end of my personal reflection pool.  My whining philosophy can get too deep to fathom.   I needed to wade into shallow water before I drowned in depression.  As the old McDonald commercial jingle put it "I deserve a break today..."  This time around I've Chosen to reward my toil by discussing the fairer sex.  Ah my favorite topic, at least in my mind, never in one-on-one, face-to-face in the flesh encounters.                                                                                                                                                 

 

In Goldfinger James Bond (Sean Connery) states with debonair: "I must be dreaming" after Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman) introduces herself.  Well I've had nearly an infinite number of daydreams of that variety. I couldn't imagine anything more fun to do than describing what characteristics attract me to the opposite sex.  The best way to do that and still keep it relatively clean was to provide examples of famous people I've been attracted to in the extreme.  Not that I've ever been or ever attend to be a stalker.  Fact is I never met any of them.  Describing the imaginary attributes I prescribe for them should show you how my fantasies come alive behind my eyes.  It also gives my yet another opportunity to slip in some celebrity names, this time I'll include some Playboy Playmates and television actresses as well.                                                              

 

 Let's start with the first celebrity crushes I can remember.  Who can forget what magic Major Nelson found in a bottle on the beach in I Dream of Jeanie?   I too dreamed of Jeanie.  Barbara Eden in her harem outfit must have inspired a multitude of erotic wishes.  I doubt many healthy male viewers didn't fall for her veiled charms.                                                               

 

 Stranded with the castaways on Gilligan's Island, I could never make up my mind between Ginger or Mary Anne; the sweet farm girl or the glamorous movie star? I highly doubt I was the only one with that dilemma.  Tina Louise and Dawn Wells were both equally highly desirable survival gear.   Being stranded on a tropical isle with either would have been paradise.                                                                                                                      Samantha and her cute little twitching nose often had me Bewitched.  Elizabeth Montgomery had more than her fair of the male population share under her spell.                                                                      

 

 

Let's not forget the high-kicking international intrigue of the female half of The Avengers.  With those sky high kicks Diana Rigg definitely didn't need a gun to get her man.  That bloody regal British accent didn't hurt her bonny well bum a bit either.  Blimey!                                                                                                                                 

 

Back in the "Cosby" day I had it bad for Phylicia Rashad.  Perhaps just a lad, but it was no mere passing fad.  At a time I should have been a college grad, her welcoming brown-eyes and even more inviting smile turned sad days glad, all while clad in designer rags. I may be a tad mad, still I can't help but feel it would be marvelously rad to have Miss Rashad visit my private pad.  I couldn't guarantee behavior not befitting a cad.  Somebody stop me!   I've exceeded my silliness limit.                                                                   

 

Well that should give the younger generations some idea of just how ancient I really am.  Black and white television, like the stone ages man.  We even listened to our music on records, or the more conveniently accessible 8-track tapes, if you even can remember what one looks like anymore.                                                                                                  

 

 

Candy Loving was my favorite Playmate growing up.  I still wonder if that was her real name.  I spent many hours mesmerized by her hour-glass shape.  The sun may not be kind to skin, but tan lines always added a nice touch as well.  There was a little magic in those eyes that managed to survive in photographic form.  Being a chubby sweet-toothed teenager the name also had a certain memorable poetic justice appeal as well.  Naturally I had a favorite Pet as well, regrettably I can't recall her name, must not have been related to food.                                                                                                           ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />

 

Tiffany Towers tops out my list of porno actresses. Not because of her body, its bodacious bust-line definitely doesn't hurt; still I'm drawn to her more because of her incredibly cute face.  I would have been drawn to her regardless of body style.  I discovered her form surfing the net a few years ago.  I haven't seen her "act" yet.  I've seen plenty of adult films, just not any with her in them. Without the world wide web I might have forgotten what naked beauty looks like. (All my old magazines are buried in a shed) I have no idea what any of them sound like, or if they can act. Doesn't really matter, I always turn off the sound when watching any way, for me it interferes with the mood.                                                                                                                                                          I have a wide variety of tastes when it comes to women.  All true "fantasizers" usually do.  Why limit your imagination?  Embrace all the possibilities that you can.  At least one third of the female population between the ages of 16 and 50 has considerable sexual magnetism as far as I'm concerned.  The older I become the higher and wider that range grows.  I'm still having a little trouble raising the minimum though; I suppose it's the Peter Pan in me refusing to grow up. "Never Never Land" has its appeals, not that I would ever knowingly touch any woman under the age of eighteen.                                                       

 

 Any woman would have difficulty getting the appropriate mating responses from me.  More than likely any woman under the age of 21 would have a larger handicap in seducing me.  I would think it was "too good to be true."  A joke, trick, or trap or some sort.  I'd be too busy looking for the small print or waiting for the shoe to drop to seriously consider their courtship interest genuine; just maintaining my honesty ritual.                                                                                                                     

 

 Ricky Nelson's "Traveling Man" covers just a few of my favorite types of females: "a pretty senorita down in old Mexico...cute little Eskimo...China doll down in old Hong Kong...pretty Polynesian baby over the sea...sweet fraulein down in Berlin town."                                                                                                                                     

 

 

The variety of women I like isn't limited to just race.  I also find many differing aspects of the female anatomy appetizing as well.  I don't think I could ever make up my mind even if I could build the "perfect female." That goes for body as well as mind.                                                                                    

 

I'll be sticking mostly to the physical attributes for now.  The intellectual prospects are too numerous to specify.  Still I'll give you a short paragraph or two on what I think I'd like.  About all I can say about the mind is that I would prefer someone at least as smart as dummy me.  I'd like to be able to hold a conversation without having to explain everything that would get old rather quickly.  I'd require someone more out-going but not too pushy.  I plow into the ground far too easily, yet I need a good kick in the pants as often as most; someone a little energetic, but not a health nut.  I need exercise, but not as a lifestyle.  I don't need anyone who likes to party a lot since I would end up abandoned as a wallflower more often than not, besides I'm to old to act like a teenager.  I probably couldn't relate to anyone who doesn't watch T.V.  A cheerleader would be nice-I need encouragement in every aspect of my life.  Hec you read the book, you should be able to guess the rest.  Fill in the blanks.  Above all else I need someone who cares.                                                                                                                                            

 

As for common likes and dislikes, some would be nice, too many would be boring.  Ideally you want someone whose hobbies include stuff you were interested in but never pursued. I prefer compassion to domination, tenderness to roughness, civil to crude or polite to rude, patient to always in a hurry, and cuddly to stand-offish.  Some of those traits would take me time to reciprocate and I openly admit it. Differences spice things up and allow both parties to grow.  There's something to be said for teaching each other.                                                   

 

 Leaving personality and character I bring you back to the physical.  I'm not even sure if I prefer inner or outer belly buttons, I suppose I'm used to inner.  I agree most of the time with the rock band Queen when it comes to "fat bottom girls."  Wide hips can sway stronger to the music; still I've been attracted to "tiny hi-nees" as well.  No hips can be slightly masculine, however not enough to turn me off in most cases.  I've been drawn to a pair of long and lovely Bond Girl legs a time or two, yet short muscular legs have gotten my attention also.  I tend to like at least a little giggle in her walk, but I've found both bodacious mountainous "bazoongas" and perky little hills both have their charms.  Both valleys and prairies have their own scenic attractions.            </SPAN>                                           

 

 

Thin is usually in, although too thin is a turn-off. Anorexia scares the piss out of me. Anyone willing to kill themselves to feel better about looks certainly couldn't appreciate my appearance.  Anorexic appearances really make a wide body such as me feeling guilty and uncomfortable.  In addition many malnourished model wanna-bees appear stressed and worn out.  Some even look like strung-out drug addicts. Healthy and athletic reflects vigor and joy; always positives in a potential mate.  Too much muscle tends to be a little emasculating.  I would feel obligated to compete and build up my muscles as well.  I'm too lazy for that anymore.  I intimidate far too easily so I don't think I could date a female version of the "Terminator" unless I was also buff.                                                           

 

 Soft soothing tones and slow Southern accents add to the charms of many of my favorites.  I suppose I find it harder to imagine women screaming at me with those lower delicate voices.  Southern hospitality and accompanying manners are easy to assume.  The harshness of reality melts when I hear Jean Smart's or Emily Procter's strong southern draw.  Why I do declare "Miss Scarlett," it gives me the vapors and just leaves me week in the knees.  I found it's not only the Southern twist; any delicately light but still audible feminine utterances have the same effect.  Mary Steenbergen's mellifluous whispering bedroom voice once sent shivers down my spine.                                              Birthmarks are truly beauty marks in my eyes.  

 

 Whether they compose a complete picture of connect- the-dots on cheek or neck, or just an individual speck between the shoulder blades, on a collar bone, or even just the back of one knee, a little imperfection will always be perfection to me. Slight flaws appear in all of nature. It's part of Mother Nature's charm.  They make the beauty seem more real and less fake.  A small reminder that no matter how beautiful something may appear nothings perfect.   Anything too perfect usually has something to cover up.  High Definition Television is supposed to make imperfections more noticeable, I'm probably the only one looking forward to that revolution.  An individual uniqueness adds character.  Facial birthmarks are my favorite.  The triangular constellation on Nikki Cox's and Allison Mack's face only adds to their exquisite appeal and charm.  It's as if the ancient mythological Gods of the Greeks branded the best treasures sent from heaven.  A multitude of goddesses have been marked similarly.  My opinion probably would be reversed if I ever encountered one resembling 666.                                                                                                                                                 

 

As far as hair styles and color go about all I can say is a hairstyle should match the person who wears it.  A perfect hairstyle adds the finishing touch to a beautiful face.  Ellen DeGeneres wouldn't be nearly as cute without her playful hairdo.  Her short spunky upturn-ended do fits her to a tee.  If she wore her hair up in a tight bun it might even be scary, the clash with her frolicsome personality would be too much. If the woman in question has long hair I usually prefer it better let down than put up.  I prefer bangs to forehead also; I just like to picture myself brushing the hair off their faces I suspect.  I don't really have a favorite color although I'm not to crazy about the unusual pink, blue, green, spiked, extra close crew cuts, or bald looks.  Those styles tend to intimidate me.  I've never run my hand through any so I can't really speak of texture.  It's all smooth as silk in my mind.  Not that I've actually ever felt silk to the best of my recollection.  I like to think it's even softer than kitten hair.  As far as length and form goes I seem to be attracted to both short and long, curly and straight, and even the occasional Afro.     

 

I love a good smile and/or grin. Nothing reflects a true joie de vivre better. My favorite gal on Three's Company was Jenilee Harrison simply because her bright beaming smile blew me away. (Those long legs didn't hurt either)  Suzanne Somers came in a close second for 2 obvious reasons.  Back then for the two bouncing reasons you're thinking; now for her baby blues.  Not that Suzanne's lost anything, but I am sad to say I'm getting older, my priorities have changed. I get the impression that's not common enough. Many men never grow up.  Those of you who haven't figured it out yet will soon discover I have a way to go yet as well. Suzanne's just as sizzling as she ever was, more so in some ways. (She's shown more of her true self since then) Make a smile your umbrella: back to a toothy greeting. Nothing can beat a wide smile's power for drumming off the blues.  I'm usually in need of uplifting and the right smile can do it in an instant.  In my book a perfect smile has little to do with whiteness or straightness of teeth.  It has more to do with an open exhilarating spontaneous expression of fun than anything else.  Fake smiles can cost mega-bucks, but usually never have the same effect.  Sly grins that speak of mischief, playfulness, or tomfoolery are sometimes even more alluring.  To me a great smile is one that reflects the joy of life; an unrestrained release of pleasure impossible to ignore.  Equally effective, except for the fact it's harder to maintain, is a heartfelt laugh.  Most women are capable of both if they only learn not to hold back.  I wish I could comfortably smile back.                                                                                               

 

 

Adorable and seductive noses come in all shapes and sizes. Usually not the first stunning facial part I seek, but not always. The larger ones add a touch of character which I normally can't resist.  Yet the smaller ones can be mighty button-cute as well.  Excessively up turned nostrils can be a turn-off if they reflect the comic strip pig-nosed image of a snob, it happens very rarely.  Really squished noses sometimes look as if the lady behind them just finished boxing a dozen rounds so they tend to look a little masculine to me.  I suppose I'm a bit of a nose snob.                                                                                               

 

 

 I am not very proficient in the ear-lobe arena.  I get too distracted by the front of the female face to ever bother with looking at the sides. I haven't made much of a study of the hearing instruments.  Although I love hairstyles that allow a bit of ear to teasingly appear. Perhaps if I ever get to nibble on a few of pairs I might acquire a preference.  About all I can say is I prefer a maximum of two piercings per lobe.  I've never been too crazy about body piercing.  Putting holes in belly buttons and tongues seems awfully unhygienic to even a slob like me.  The puncturing phenomenon hits a little to close to self-mutilating destructive behavior for my stomach to handle.  I'm already too self-destructive by myself.  Plus I'd worry too much about infection.                                  

 

 

 The eyes always have it.  They are the mirror to the soul after all. Gazing into the right pair always sets flocks of butterflies aloft in my belly.  It's a true spiritual epiphany each and every time.  It never gets old.  All it takes is one glance to capture my soul for eternity.  The eyes are the one trait all my favorite women have in common.  Each deep mesmerizing pair can sparkle, embrace, compel burn, pierce, stimulate, and comfort with just one look.  A woman's eyes hold within them the power to melt the coldest heart, make even the toughest guy beg, ease the pain of any hardship, dance with life, compel even the most rational to acts of madness, and easily overwhelm one such as I with passion and love.  Intelligence and wisdom are keenly reflected in such a magnificently beautiful way.  It's such a shame that television makes it so difficult to clearly distinguish exact eye color. (High definition may have changed that, but it'll be a while before I found out)  It's not really the color, shape, glint, or glimmer, but those blessed butterflies that feed my imaginative sex drive.  The sensation they create brings on the rush of going on a thrilling roller coaster for the first time, without fear of vomiting.  I imagine it's like reliving your first kiss, if I had ever actually been kissed.                                                            

 

 

Everyone has a wish to keep hope alive-dream on, dream on.  Nobody has the power to take them away-dream on, dream on.  You're the only one who can give them up-dream on, dream on.                                                                                                                      

 

 

My humblest apologies for taking so long to get to the good stuff.  I'm dragging things out while my inner shells slowly dissolve. Actually, as it turned out I ended up having trouble shutting up.  I had no intention of completely opening up the way that I am, it just happened on the spur of the moment.                                                         

 

 

Women are God's greatest gift to man. I can honestly say that even though I'm hardly an expert.  Nothing can take the stress off a man's weary shoulders at the end of the day like the compassionate soft touch of his woman's hands...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

 

You already heard my spiel on love, now it's time for me to fantasize a bit.  In entertaining myself I entertain us all. Indulging my lust should help lighten the mood of this book. Besides I've been writing for quite some time now, I was bound to get horny at some point. This is my way of killing two birds with one stone. Discussing my dream dates allows you to see what I find most attractive in women and simultaneously gives you a brief glimpse of how my fertile imagination works.  You can almost hear the twisted gears grinding away.                                                                                                                               

 

 

I've been star-struck more often than most and thus it's through Hollywood that I aim to describe what I find attractive in women.  It's almost time to list the actresses whom have captured my imagination time and time again.  I've also added some international beauties as well as some internet honey I came across surfing the net, all-be-it a few years ago.  Some I've seen perform many times, others all I've seen them in are bit roles or just photos.  I attempted to find any devastating beauties I could use to add to my name dropping strategy. I only selected my favorites, there are thousands I find attractive but I only included the ones I find to be the best.  The ones that make my heart go pitter-patter in overdrive automatically.                                                                                                                                        

 

 

 I take the time now to thank the women of the world.  Their beauty shines a little brightness into my dank and dismal existence even if I don't have the courage to seize the day.  Without an occasional charming smile or grin to help lighten my days Lord knows where I'd be. God really knew what He was doing when He took that rib from Adam. To all my heaven-sent Earthbound Angels I send my sincerest gratitude. You all heighten my senses, give me hope and help me carry on, whether you realize it or not, whether it's intentional or not, whether I show my appreciation or not.                                                              

 

 

You have your favorites and I have mine; my preference in women frequently doesn't follow the public's chosen domain. Despite the dress-down, rather loud fashion sense, the "Groucho" eyebrows, and the heavy grill-work, I find "Ugly Betty" (America Ferrera) the prettiest woman on her show. (with the two guest star exceptions of the impeccable Gina Gershon and the raven-eyed Salma Hayek.)  By the way I prefer Gina as a brunette, the blonde version seemed a little too much. The same can be said for Masiela Lusha after her appearance on Law & Order.  Not that I don't like blondes, but I liked Laura Prepon better as a redhead.  Allison Mack and most of my Beach Bunnies I couldn't picture as anything but blonde. So I do like blondes as well.                             

 

 

The advertising industry paints an impossible picture of the perfect woman.  Airbrushing has set the goal beyond any reasonable level.  Tyra Banks said on a casting call promo for her show: "Fashion is a beautiful thing."  But it's not. It's a girl-eat-girl industry, those starving models are mighty hungry, and they take no prisoners. I normally only watch the first few shows of America's Next Top Model because the "large" models are the prettiest ones to me and they usually are among the first to go.  The petite models are cute enough, but it isn't long before the urge to show a sandwich down their throats overwhelms me. "Large" on Tyra's show is really normal to you and me, or at least it should be. You're ribs aren't supposed to be countable from the outside.  If a cat or dog were that skinny we'd sick the Humane Society on their owners.  Too bad there isn't a "Humane Society" for humans. (Kind of ironic, hugh?) The fashion industry continues to select skeleton models that require minimum fabric for their outfits. I hardly ever agree with nominees for best actress or the winners of model searches.                                                        

 

 

In many movies I find myself more attracted to the bit players than the big stars. You could easily say I have a soft-spot for sidekicks. More often than not I prefer the secondary players to the main characters in television series: I would have preferred Lauren Lane as my own personal "nanny" rather than Fran Drescher. (Of course when Pamela Anderson showed up, she stole the show. Sometimes my tastes aren't so off-stream) Renee O'Connor caught much more of my attention than Lucy Lawless in Xenia:Warrior Princess,  Alyson Hannigan blew Sarah Michelle Geller away in Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Becky Wahlstrom beat Amber Tamblyn hands down in Joan of Arcadia, Nikki DeLoach floated way above Brooke Burns in North Shore, Jessica Lucas received a grade above Missy Peregrym in Life as We Know It,  and Allison Mack flew far above Kristin Kreuk and Erica Durance in Smallville for example.  In this year's (2006) season of Heroes Lisa Lackey's super power may only be "cute-n-cuddly," but that's more than enough to make her my favorite Comic book character. Not that the leading stars were unattractive, just that I was much more enthralled with their sidekicks.                                   

 

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 On Sex and the City I did find Sarah Jessica Parker most appealing, but Miranda had her elegantly charming way as well, as the undeniable cuteness of Charlotte was frequently distracting also.  That's one scary show to me.  Are most adults really that promiscuous?  Or is it just the more contemporary city dwellers?  Personally I can't conceive of casual sex. How can something so intimate be treated so trivial?  But I've always been the odd man out.                                                                                                                                         

 

 

 Then there's Sara Gilbert who I found far more enthralling than her supposed-to-be-hotter twin. Sara's much cuter now that she smiles more, grins a lot, and wears make-up. (Compared to her youthful Gothic Tomboy days on "Roseanne") I personally find Molly Stanton's beauty a little too generic for my tastes.  The world may prefer faces that near perfection, but I'm usually attracted to the more cute oddities than any symmetry.  Then again when the more age-appropriate man-killer Melanie Griffith enters the room I pretty much forget about the Twins.                                                                                                             

 

 

For all I know most of my "Cinderellas" are actually "Cruella DeVille" on the inside. Beauty is frequently only skin deep.  But what skin!  "Angels may really be devils in disguise." I can't really believe that, but truth is, I'll never know. I'll be giving the angels the benefit of the doubt for as long as I can help myself. Keep it in mind the following is mostly a shallow, superficial critique of the outside qualities, something I advise you not to do, if you can help it.  I did it purely for entertainment value, well almost purely.  All my character and personality traits are assigned wherever my imagination leads me.  I chastise myself yet I simply can't resist.  I have never actually met even a single one of my dream dates.   I'm not hoping to win over any hearts doing this; just a mind or two, with some luck and some pity, at least temporarily. It's a long shot at best, but that's better than no shot at all. Many of my assumed attributes may apply more to some role they played than to the actresses themselves.                                      

 

 

Also realize I use celebrity examples which typically represent the ideal not the real. Add at least 20 pounds and some patches of pesky cellulite for the real deal.  In reality I prefer more meat on my bones, I usually prefer the "before" to the "after" pictures of most diet ads,  a chubby woman not only seems a happier one, but also more real.  But you won't find many celebrity examples in that category...shame.  Also add some problem skin or acne, sagging skin, and a few more wrinkles; just as beautiful, only many are humbly sweet unaware of it.                                                                  

 

 

 

A note on the handfuls of actresses whom lost a lot of weight since first finding fame; I included several celebrities that I preferred earlier in their careers.  More than a few have dieted when they didn't need to. Agents and peers put tremendous stress on actresses to stay slim. Toothpick arms scare the daylights out of me. Multiple parts of the female anatomy I find most alluring, but the skeleton isn't one of them. It's a shame that Hollywood and the entertainment industry puts so much pressure on their idols to lose weight. There are more personal fitness trainers in Los Angeles than taxi drivers. Several of my idols currently look rather harsh as a result, at least in my opinion. They appear rather cranky, starvation will do that.  I put them on my lists in honor of their former healthier selves which they're perfectly capable of returning to if they wish.  Thin can be healthy, but only if you're naturally small boned or have a high metabolism and most people don't qualify.                                                                                                                      

 

 

I've selected famous people because they're more fun to talk about; because you know most of them.  But I'm attracted to everyday women just as much, if not more so.  I just can't stare at them for as long in fear of being caught. I don't expect perfection in anyone. Nobody's perfect. That's nothing to be ashamed of, despite all the fuss.  Everyone needs an imperfection or three.  It keeps one humble.  It keeps one's head from swelling beyond acceptable parameters.  It may not sound sound, but the lucky ones have their flaws on the outside where all the world can see.  They don't have to spend all their time trying to cover-up what can't be hidden.  The unlucky ones, who look perfect on the outside, have to keep their guard up.  Many poison themselves with all the deceit until even they believe all the lies.  They can never truly be happy since they fear to truly be themselves. The most beautiful women sometimes seem to focus and fret on the silliest things. Don't be vexed by a wrinkle or two. Never be ashamed of the battle scars from living in the real world.  Never try to be someone you're not. Nobody's perfect, and I mean nobody. Remember too, that many people under the spotlight have professional fitness trainers, not to mention make-up artists.  They have big make-over budgets most of us could never afford. You must allow some leeway in the real world, even glamorous actresses can go unrecognized there.  I do run across their counterparts in reality, but never have the nerve to find out their name.  The names of co-workers, customers, or mere acquaintances I've had crushes on you wouldn't know.                                                        

 

 

Personally this chapter is my favorite part of the book; a reward for both of us for having hung in for so long. Beauty beauty everywhere what's a guy to do?  You say you want to know who's my favorite?  I wish I could name the all-around best-of-show, but I'm afraid I could never limit myself to just one. My favorite changes from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Frequently she's the last one seen. Where to begin?  Best keep it relatively random; otherwise I'd drive myself insane.  So don't read anything into the order I've placed them in, it means nothing. I'll do my best to mention mostly current television stars, but others are bound to slip in.  I wish I could highlight each and every one of the hundreds on my massive lists, but I can't imagine readers letting me get away with it. Otherwise this book would easily top 1000 pages and never see publication.                                

 

 

The abundantly opulent Melinda Karakanedes has a classic compelling look that'll never go out of style.  Kaleidoscope eyes, exquisitely long nose, and incredible mind-numbing lips taunt even the stodgiest of gentlemen. A streamlined slant-grinned sports model if ever there was one. A statuesque paragon of grace and perfection whether she be a doctor, cop, or candlestick maker.                                                                        

 

 

Another formidably long nose resides upon the beautiful face of Illeana Douglas.  Whose curiously captivating eyes make me wonder what angelic planet she hails from?  I love her playful hairdo.  The way sometimes only one ear is exposed while the other remains in seclusion, keeps my eyes on her at all times.                                                                                                                                                         

 

 She may look sugary sweet naive, although I have no doubt she knows more of the ways of the world than I ever will. The tantalizing Emy Coligado certainly could please any man with her bedazzling native handiwork.  Pampering eyes along with a heart-pounding mouth help give the crafty girl her skills. Emy certainly knows how to pull my heart strings with her dexterously soothing manner. She's left me in a cold sweat more than once.                                                                                                                

 

The formidable yet enticing Lisa Edelstein could use her extravagant eyes to boss me around anytime. Any room lights up when the jouncy and illuminating lady enters.  Lisa has a smile that declares "Victory is mine!"  You can rest assuredly she never even has to fire a single shot on the battlefield of love.  I'd hire her in a second. I'll bet she's proficient at many intriguing tasks. Counting bricks in the wall would be advanced math if she desired it done. Talk about the attentive, didactic, and arousing administrator with the mostest.                                                                                                                                             

 

I don't drink, but I'd accept just about anything the much more than pleasing Nikki DeLoach wanted to serve me up on a platter. Wondrous sky-high eyes keep anyone wanting more.  She's one blistering barmaid beauty that hits the bulls-eye without even trying. Coddling on the beach with Nikki, under twinkling starlight, is where I'd love to be spring, summer, autumn, or snow.                                                                                                 

 

 

For a skinny chick she sure has a jolly personality.  Blinding eyes capable of Earth-shattering looks leave one trying to catch his breath. The prissy yet enthralling Sara Chalke's most timid smile could easily tame the beastie in me. Talk about a blonde bonny bell who could bolster any man's self-esteem. Sara unashamedly bites her lower lip from time to time and I always find that facial maneuver particularly excruciating.  As uncomfortable as it might be, giving her a shoulder to cry on would also be unforgettable.               

 

 

Another one who bites her lower lip upon occasion to get my eyes watering and lips a quiver is the ever euphoric bombshell Alyssa Milano. When she transformed into a "little mermaid" it was nothing short of television history for me.(Not merely because of the skimpy fantasy outfit, but because Alyssa also had one of my favorite hairdos at the time-all brush-backable bangs) Way too fine to be mine, but I don't care. I admire beauty wherever I can find it, unobtainable as it may be. Name of a cookie, body of a stone cold fox, face of an angel, I tend to fall head-over-heels all over again each time I see her.  Her rapidly blinking spine-tingling eyes can almost keep up with the palpitations of my heart.  Alyssa's childlike grim captures the pure essence of youth.  She has n obscenely cute way of sitting on her hands like a little girl that has to go to the bathroom.  Then there's the teddy bear way she manages to adorably hug her own elbows.  For such a petite package she's just full of delightful little surprises; lips of plenty that never disappoint; hairstyles that one can never predict, dainty ears in-dainty ears out. Alyssa also has a cool Elvis way of raising the side of her upper lip when she cast her spells upon me. There's a splendid diagonal cleft in her chin that looks to be an ideal resting place for my thumb. Bewitching eyes and a charming smile top off the unreal witchy woman's package.  "Sitting on the dock of the bay" or atop the Golden Gate Bridge could never be a waste of time in the company of Alyssa, and I'm petrified of heights!                                                                                                                                

 

 

That daunting damsel Jill Hennessey deliciously bites the corner of her crooked smirking scrumptious smile every now and then as well.  Her delicately thin eyebrows get surprisingly thicker nearing the bridge of her divinely pointy little nose. Masterful with many facial expressions, I find Jill's fanciful fairy-tale smile most fascinating, her fanatical eyes invigorating and never-to-forget her mythical leprechaun charms far more colorful than a rainbow.                                                                                                                       

 

 If you mention sideways "S" shaped eyebrows above deadly eyes with Mrs. Santa Clause's nose dangling below, then you must be talking about Lisa Lackey; flared ears that are in style at the North Pole or anywhere else for that matter. Then there's a pair of lips that could make any man merry. Ho! Ho! Ho!(not in the rapper sense)                                                                                                                                    

 

 

Where oh where can she be? I only see her once in a while guest starring on "Will and Grace," but it's more than enough to cast a lasting impression. She's a lively beauty always perched at the edge of her seat. Leigh-Allyn Baker's sparkling eyes hint of a carbonated personality as well.  Her slightly squished nose and bittersweet lips make me ignore the leading actors and focus on her.  I've missed many a punch line on her behalf.  And I wouldn't change a thing.                                                                                                                

 

 

 I'd love to start tinkering with that remarkable panther Holly Robinson Peete's dangling earrings and work my way down from there. Ostentatious and still trustworthy, her vigorous and virtuous eyes always leave me wanting more.  I wonder what those vivacious yet vulnerable lips might taste like. A centerpiece to millions of fantasies, Holly's a fly girl and a Grande dame combination if ever there was one.                                                                                              

 

 

The quintessential example of God's handiwork, the scintillating Gina Gershon, should be on display at a museum of modern beauty. Insightfully arched eyebrows cover intriguing eyes.  A majestic nose plus a sidewinder smile with mouth-watering lips that turn supposedly grown men into little boys. A cornerstone to many a man's wildest dreams, and woman's, you can't help but feel feverish when she's within eye shot. Gina's a real liberating swan, a classy chassy with a supercharged engine barely hidden beneath the surface.                                                                                                                                

 

 

Flaughtingly irresistible, the titillating Jennifer Tilly seems to bubble with sheer delight as if she never has a bad day. Slightly exotic eyes and a sinisterly seductive smile give her an overall aurora of improper impishness. Jennifer may very well be a fleshy form of champagne. As rambunctious as a schoolgirl at recess, you can't help but trip over yourself hoping to steal a bit of the perverted prankster's attention. Both spicy and snugly, she could sweet talk me into just about anything with her soft yet squeaky tones.  I have the feeling her whimsical ways cover a much deeper intellect than many people suspect.  For the sparkling bosomy lady I hereby coin the phrase: "gigglicious."                           

 

 

Whether she plays a college professor or space cadet, Joey Lauren Adams has a terrific high-cheek squinty-eyed smile that's top off the class. Joey's periwinkle eyes overflow with magic. For such a small chic Joey's got the most powerful strut I ever saw. She could cheer-up the Grim Reaper him dark-self.                                                        

 

 

There are quite a few women who seem to pretend to be little girls, apparently to manipulate us ignorant male beasts into doing their bidding. You can add that raunchy cheetah Tanya Roberts to that chuckling list along with the steamy and glorious Melanie Griffith who makes my innards percolate as well.  Tanya's raspy tone leaves me trying to catch my breath.  Her supermodel lips, long slender nose, and glowing cat eyes make me wish I were her scratching post. (I'm not into pain, but some things might just be worth it)   As far as Melanie goes, I feel a little naught admitting this, but few things in the world are more sexy and persuasive than a full-grown woman with the impetuous voice of a nice little girl, the curly lock hair is also a thrill, but I'll never be any competition for Antonio.                                                                                                                                     

 

 

 

To me the queen of girlish voices will always be Victoria Jackson.  Whether all that sugary sweetness is real or an act matters not. There is nothing more torturous in my mind then her whispering sweet nothings in the middle of the night. Victoria's golden hair, cloud-filled eyes,  and jump out of your seat lips pass on a jubilant energy that's as good as, if not better than, the fountain of youth.                                                                    

 

 

On the flip side of the coin are women who act refined.  The stupendous Catherine Zeta-Jones carries herself with an elite elegance that's unmistakable.  Yet beneath all that regal glamour is a hidden tremendous little girl playing pretend.  Or at least that's how I prefer to see her.                                                                               

 

 

 Lisaraye McCoy is much the same way. She presents herself well at any social occasion. Only she has genie eyes that could grant any man's wish with a simple blink.  Plus her inner child is a bit more obvious, gloriously; the top-of-the-line playmate that most men could never afford.                                                                                                 

 

 

Karyn Parsons's also has dignity oozing from her pores.  Flashy eyes and an even flashier smile make her a diamond that's definitely not in the rough.  Her snarling yet shy laugh makes her even more irresistible, whether it is real or acting. If that's not enough her slightly hooked nose is bound to reel you in.                                                                              

 

 

To bridge the gap between the refined and the little girl we also have Megan Mullally. The "brawd's" thin eyebrows and light attitude combine with a perpetual mouth of endless gossip and freely out-spoken views. Eyes of an entrepreneur, lips made to entertain, Megan's a significant sight to see, and experience.  To me she's a Grande Dame Ringmaster of a circus in her own mind. You should see the show if you can.                                                                                                                                      

 

The overly cute Elise Neal leaves me tongue-tied every time, her incredibly strong animal magnetism is unmistakable.  When she flashes those pearly whites the cruel cruel world disappears. Striking eyes, stimulating lips, and a surprisingly spry-n-agile shapely body make the splendid chipmunk unreal. When the cutie pie left her sitcom it was a massive disappointment.                                                                                   

 

 

Terri J. Vaughn's jubilant and youthful voice makes me want to dance.  She's a torturous lower lip-biter with a nicely dimpled chin.  A bright smile that can bring darkness to the darkest shadows highlights caring eyes that you really wish could care for you.  Terri's always played a sidekick, but she's the star of the show as far as I'm concerned.                                                                                                                                

 

 

She is "sunshine on a cloudy day." The unmistakably refreshing Sandra Bullock's smile and spry walk dance on every breeze.   Her mystical eyes could read me like an open book.  Her ruby lips would be so much more than a mere pleasure to kiss. Every time I see that fabled dimpled chin of hers I want to reach out and caress it. I'll vote her the most touchable in any pageant, be it beauty, charm, or intellect. Sandra's facetious ways nearly cause me to fall over backwards.  America's darling crosses my mind at least once a day.                                                                                                                                 

 

 

Not only do you have to look twice, but thrice.  By then you find you can't look away. Ashley Judd's time-halting eyes could stop traffic on a dime, no hand signals required.  She could easily lead me into many a sleepless night.  Her down home smile knocks my socks off.  Those round rosebud lips speak a thousand words without actually uttering a syllable. My favorite feature has to be her one eyebrow ever so higher than the other.                                                                                                                                   

 

 

I'm not just whistling Dixie when I say her voice alone puts a melody in my heart. Her flawless and sincere eyes make you believe every word her "purrrrfectly" soft southern accent says.  The way they sometimes rattle rattles me to the core. The so much more than admirable Emily Proctor's supercilious strong-shoulder walk is what quickly separates her from the crowd. Her relaxing smile puts me at ease and that ain't easy.                                                                   

 

 

Ignorance is no excuse, Latina women are sizzling hot; so spicy few men can resist their charms, whether they are good for their high blood pressure or not. You can obliterate any reasonable doubt whatsoever when it comes to the soul-scorching Sofia Milos. Long wavy delicate strands of hair surround a pair of the strongest dark eyes I've ever seen on a woman. A very distinctive blend of passion and toughness with firm lips that can lay down the law no questions asked.  One often wonders what the price for perfection might be. (In her episode of the Twilight Zone it was death)                                         

 

 

 The biggest songbird I can think of that sends shivers down my spine would have to be the delightfully delectable Dolly Parton.  How should I put it?                                                                                                               

        

 

 

 

 

Good golly gosh gee Miss Dolly:                                                                                  

 

 I'll write you a poem that will be pure folly                                                                         

Darn mountain-fresh accent as sweet as a lolly.                                                                                     

Dang singing knocks me over like cannons' volley.                                                                   

 Yeah catching you off-guard under mistletoe and holly.                                                 

 Miraculously possessing amble charms to cuddle and molly.                                               

Everyday, without question, you could turn this fat man jolly.                      

                                                                                                                                                           

 

Well that's about the silliest little poem I've ever come up with.  I almost added a reversed Pollyanna. Dolly does strike me as quite an optimist. Sometimes love get's silly, especially when it's from afar. Besides if you can't get silly in romance, when can you?  Playtime isn't just for little kids you know.                                                                                                                                                                                     

 

 

On a slightly more serious note: As an American tradition as apple pie, the high-brow, dotted chin Dolly Parton lulls me to sleep with her melodic voice.  It's amazing how well the Lilly of Tennessee has held up over the years, especially since I listen far more to oldies than country. The gravity-defying country matron makes me sometimes wonder if she's an "animatronic" creation of some mad scientist living under Dollywood.  She would make the ultimate homebody.  I'd love to see Dolly without her make-up, there's a true timeless beauty lying under all that fancy face paint. She overdoes it a bit, no doubt to give her fan's their money's worth.  Still I tend to prefer her black and white photos to the colored ones.                                                                                                       

 

 

The yummy Drew Barrymore is surrounded by an inviting innocense that couldn't possibly exist.  Her upbeat voluptuous oscillations are just peachy by me. She's an outrageous reminder that America is indeed the land of "Good-n-Plenty." Candy for the eyes and free-living nourishment for one's soul, the all-American girl could wrap me around her little finger even easier than a lock of her nifty hair..                                                                                    

 

 

 

 I could never resist running my fingers through the spiral golden locks of that one-of-a-kind magnificent mane topping off the adorable and groovy flower child Rachel True.  Her jubilant eyes can brighten the gloomiest day.  Rachel's superbly slanted grin is "out of sight," but never out of mind. The freestyle atmosphere she surrounds herself in relaxes even the most uptight perfectionist. She's an ultra fine find I'm glad I didn't miss.        

 

 

Essence Atkins's moon-pie eyes reflect the competitive spirit of an Olympic athlete.  Her aggressive lips are capable of curvy smirks nearly impossible to resist; intimidating yet vulnerable, a genuine hip-swaying contradiction.                                                           

 

 

I normally think of her as a righteous rabble-rouser; an impassioned crusader looking to make the world a better place. To some the Scrumptious Spitfire may be a little bookish, but I could certainly get onboard any cause the delectably complex Constance Zimmer was fighting for. She's frisky and ambitious, but not too flashy; Constance's vivid and penetrating eyes make any man wish to bear his soul. Besides doubling down on her beauty bumps would make for an excellent brail double-play. I can't help imagining myself reading her body with my fingers. Remember reading is fundamental.                                                                                                                       

 

 

Who would have guessed a girl with a cherub nose and such a splendiferous smile could be such a dynamo? When the explosive renegade Janeane Garofalo defiantly marches into a room, confidently tilts her awesome head back, and raises her bushy eyebrows I feel smaller than a cheesy penny ante card shark. Tactful or not, I'd tag along with her to heaven and back if she'd only invite me. Janeane's robust and supple lips add to the intimidation factor. I wouldn't mind enduring a filibuster if the wild one were the Speaker of the House.                                                                                                                

 

 

The affectionately kindhearted Kristin Chenowith's soft-spoken hillbilly accent makes me want to head for the mountains.(hermits instinctively head for the more secluded caves) She's no mere swanky yokel to me.  Kristin sometimes amusingly grins out of the corner of her mouth while simultaneously giving a seductive sneaky look out of the corner of her eyes, which naturally I can't resist.                                                                                                                                                                          

 

Another spectacular small package that packs a mighty wallop is the spry and spunky Marla Sokoloff; priceless lips that can form scandalous smug tomboy smirks riding on a nicely dimpled chin.  The upturned edges of her mouth imply a zealous playful side.  Although she may appear a little tough on the outside at times, Marla's definitely soft and tender on the inside. Fantasy eyes half-hidden under magnificent bangs, one wonders what secrets they hold. Marla's a delectable mainstay of a lust-filled diet.  That compassionate female daredevil doesn't need any "practice" or an ultra-short maid's outfit to get my attention.  I get the feeling she knows exactly what she's doing.                                  

 

 

A sure bet in the beauty mark department would be the trifecta constellation upon the sensational Nikki Cox's star-studded cheek. I consider her nothing less than a special lady of the highest magnitude who should be treated as such. Her high cheeks sometimes add to her erotic mystique by making her eyes seem to slant. Nikki's ripe and juicy lips can uncover a smile that makes me forget what planet I'm on. She's walking poetry, a real pinnacle of perfection.  The willowy wonder won me over big time with an Oscar-worthy performance season finale. (The episode where her abusive father comes to town and her man is sent off to war-I practically enlisted myself after the send-off she gave him!)                                                                                                                                              

 

 

The flamboyant Vanessa Marcil and the flirtatious Molly Sims are  rare gems that ensure the odds not merely favor the house, but that the house always wins.  The mischievous Vanessa seems to have knowledge of stuff you really want to know, as if she had the inside tract on life. Molly tosses her hair around like a belling dancer whipping men into frenzy to fill her 10 gallon tip jar.                                                                   

 

 

Blonde or brunette the diminutive demigoddess Cheryl Ladd is my favorite "angel" and she continues to keep me spinning in orbit of her heavenly body.  Her miraculous eyes nearly make me forget her well-manicured physique.                                                                                                                 

 

 

Another California blonde one can't fail to mention is Heather Locklear.  Her flare-finned smile and flashy catty eyes are only unmatched by her own flair for fashion. You would never have guessed T.J. Hooker's girl next door sidekick would have such super glamour potential.  I wouldn't be surprised if someday she owned the hearts of the whole State. (At least the male half, then again we are talking about California)                       

 

 

For some foreign flare we go to the lively Lakshmi Manchu who keeps things interesting with her childlike eyes, slightly hooked nose, and ample sulky lips.  She has a warm smile and her long eyelashes seem to float on the breeze. I'd love to take a romp on a secluded trail with the frolicsome bunny. Her sportive nature makes me want to compete for her affection.  Just the fact I bothered to find the plucky minx's name from the end credits shows I'd like to see more of her on "Vegas."                                              

 

 

 The bodacious Sofia Vergara's curvy accent is more than most men can bear.  Her invigorating eyes emit a mystifying glow.  You need to run your fingers across her dreamy lips just to prove to yourself she's not an illusion. Undeniably the type of woman men have been known to sell their soul for, paradise has its price. Full-bodied and full-of-life she leaves me breathless just undulating across a room.  I'd learn ballroom dancing just to be close to her.                                                                                                         

 

 

Nadine Velazquez possesses electrifying eyes that can stun even the strongest heart. Smookin' hot lips in conjunction with a life-rattling figure are bound to spark imaginations on both sides of the border. Her long-haired maneuvers can turn anyone's world topsy-turvy, upside down, and inside out.                                                                    

 

 

The spectacularly speckled, freckle-spangled Alicia Coppola wears a great smile that melts into an even better grin. Her encouraging strong jaw is accented by a perfectly matched pointed chin and nose. Her tantalizing lips can torture men into tingling tantrums.  Hec they almost leave me tongue-tied.  I can't help but think of Pocahontas snuggled on by a campfire when I fondly think of her.                                                                    

 

 

The baffling Nubian Goddess, Halle Berry, is a one of a kind drop-dead fairytale princess that seems far too perfect to be true. Shining hair and diamond-brilliant eyes never let you forget you're a man. Practically sacred, she's pure ambrosia for the eyes.  Her sacrosanct lips undoubtedly taste like the nectar of the Gods.                                                                                                       

 

 

 

 Let's not forget the rarest of breeds, the Jersey Indian Princess. Any time she enters a room the vivacious wildcat Jamie Gertz gets my undivided attention.  She's the perfect mascot for all the hot moms of America.  Jami acts tough, but her misty eyes hint of a more sensitive side I'd love to touch.                                                                         

 

The fabulously voluptuous Megyn Price is right on the money as far as I'm concerned.  Funtastic lips, a cherub nose, and warm hushpuppy eyes all combine in one extremely deluxe feminine fortress of lustitude.                                                                                                                                                    

 

 I cumbersomely lumber about; my fat head bobbing up and down, my shoulders wobbling to and fro. She gracefully glides across a room. But that's nothing compared to the way she floats through my mind on gossamer wings.  And that's inconsequential in comparison to how she dances across my heart. My Prima Ballerina is none other than the sweetheart Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Proof positive perfect things come in small packages. In one fell swoop she swept me off my wide feet.  Trusting eyes make you want to believe. The way she tosses about that "harem girl" hair of hers is so damn unfair, I never had a fighting chance.  Falling for her considerable charms was inevitable. Danged if she isn't a lip biter too!  I shouldn't say this because it'll likely tick Jennifer off, but her petite statue combined with those ears and pointy nose remind me of Santa's little helpers.  If you chisel through all the layers of bricks I've laid around me over the years I guess I'm still a scared little boy underneath. Who could possibly less threatening than an elf?  Perhaps that's why many of my favorites come in smaller packages.  Perhaps it's because my sister's best friend, who had incredible silver-gray eyes that were anything but cold as steel, happened to be petite. She can peak her eye brows in a pretty please sort of way that could get me to walk across hot coals. I get a very strong vibe of high intellect from the sprightly Jennifer as well.                                                                                                                                                                          

 

 

The dream boat, Laura Prepon sails ahead of the fleet with her devilishly tempting eyebrows and high cheek bones that haunt many of my lonely nights. When the auspicious Laura laughs her eyes squint, her cheeks puff up, and her merry face lights up-it's Jolly Saint Nickett-it's unforgettable; redhead, blonde, or brunette and just as hot regardless.                                                                                                                               

 

 

  That unabashed platinum princess, Jessica Alba, is nothing short of breathtakingly beautiful.  Eyes that caress and embrace, lips that invite, and a smile that lightens the hot-n-heavy mood that's a given when she's in the immediate vicinity. Her confidence leaves me forever enraptured.                                                                                                                      

 

 

Another fine fox who's sexy no matter what color her hair is the stylish Diane Neal.  Her deceptively demure eyes seem to lock on you like a hawk circling its prey.  Slender and reedy makes her seem more fragile, but there's an insatiable look in her eyes.                           

 

 

 

Not too many women can pull off looking sexy and angry at the same time. I could withstand hours or even days in "the box" if it where the intoxicating Mariska Hargitay scowling at me. She has a jaw-dropping air of glamour about her even in blue jeans. Mariska has the legendary looks more befitting a Shakespearian tragedy. (I'd like to see her smile more, but that matters little when I get lost in those dreamy eyes.)                                                                               

 

 

I'm not into kinky; I would never par-take in a ménage a trois. I would be too preoccupied trying to divide my attention equally to do anybody any good. However lightning does strike twice with the astounding Poppy Montgomery and the astonishing Roselyn Sanchez who could easily slap the cuffs onto me.  Raven-eyed Poppy plus the intoxicating eyes of Roselyn make for an unbeatable dynamic duo.  Throw me in the back seat of the squad car and drive me crazy!  Poppy's another lip biter with a barely perceptible bump on her nose, who happens to have the ultimate twisted grin that leaves me breathless.  Roselyn oozes sex appeal; she has the sexiest way of moping around running her fingers over things.  She also has a half-wink that could send any heart into arrest; even just resting her cutely cleft chin in her hand while sitting at her desk is compelling to me.  Both lady constables have appetizing dimpled chins and tantalizing bouncy hair brushing habits. Talk about the infinitely long legs and silken hair of the law, what girls-oh boy!                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

If I had need for a side-kick I have but one favorite for the position. I find the ready, willing, and most able Renee O'Connor's joyful exuberance contagious. If all the women in New Zealand looked like her I'd have no choice but to set sail south.  She fills me with joie de vivre. I see her twinkling eyes every time I look at the sky on a clear night.                                                                                                                                                

 

 

The sizzling stunning Catherine Bell's stare can melt the hardest steel. She possesses qualities that deserve to be immortalized on canvas or set in stone.  When she goes civilian her rich features become even more apparent making Catherine downright divine.                                                                                                                                             

 

 

 The disarmingly modest Kerri Turner turns my head every time. Her innocent doe eyes knead me into most pliable dough. Warm, cozy, nourishing, and huggable she's the very embodiment of "home-sweet-home." Would that I had the wherewithal to win her over, what a wonderful world it would be.                                                                                                                                                                              

 

The lively, quirky, and uplifting Sara Paxton is the very definition of cute beyond compare.  Playing palsy-walsy with her is inviting a heart attack.  I could easily see myself desperately and eagerly trying to keep up with her on a sunset beach side walk.              That well-favored vixen, Mariah Carey, manages a stimulating prance that makes her the majestic woman with just the right wiggle in her walk. Possibly perspicacious, usually persuasive, always phenomenal, she's always a real show stopper.                                                                                                 

 

 

The rough and ready sultry Pamela Anderson is a genuine Barbed Wire Barbie Doll in the flesh, a rare commodity indeed, the original many aspiring Hollywood dames have tried to emulate, a real collector's item, albeit the tattooed biker girl version. Pam's cunning eyes cut right through all the crap.  I honestly believe the "dumb blonde" routine is all an act, Pam's just giving her audience what they want. She's molded herself into the ultimate package. In reality she's probably a sharp-witted businesswoman whose superior subdued intellect has allowed her to build a self-sufficient sex idol industry compatible to none.                                                                                                                                         

 

 

Even though I haven't seen her perform in some time, a fool such as I can't deny the wide-eyes and bright smile of the ultra hot Judy Landers make her a dream date vision to behold. Putting on the Ritz would be the least I could do for my wide-eyed wonder.                                                                                                                       

 

 

 

Although super girl frequently plays second fiddle, the unstoppable Rhea Seehorn's raised eyebrow and pouty mouth combination are a zingy knockout every time.  It would be worth walking across broken glass, barefoot, for a look of approval from her eyes.                                                                                                                                       

 

 

The mighty matriarch of the Goth Empire, and a nonconformist rebel, is how I see the raven-haired Pauley Perrette. With or without a cause, the Tattooed Marvel has definitely got me on her side.  The dog collar, studded wrists bands, and leather rings may not be my first choice, but I recognize Pauley's right to accessorize anyway she chooses. She puts the "treat" in trick-or-treat, and I might be able to come up with a trick or two on her behalf; underneath all that mascara our two very cheerful eyes. With her two juvenile ponytails she comes across as a "Punky Brewster" from the dark side. It's so very easy to get drunk on those red red lips of hers. That spider web tattoo on the begging to be suckled neck of the racy Pauley may intimidate the hell out of me; although not so much that I can't appreciate the radiant beauty beneath.  Cute-nosed Pauley weaves her intricate web in an amazingly playful manner that's just ducky as far as I'm concerned. She could charm the leather off of a cow. If she actually has a soft spot in her heart for farting hippos I might stand a chance. (Inside joke for fans of "NCIS")                          

 

 

Another girl who seems a bit on the dark side is Shawnee Smith. I hesitate to say this, since I can't be certain if it'll brand me friend or foe, but the word that best reminds me of her is "swashbuckling." The lass shivers my timbers every time. When her hair's long her continuous flipping of it makes me flip my lid.  When it's short she's as cute as a Dickens. (Whatever that is) Eyes that seem lost, yet you can easily find yourself in. One eyebrow that tends to ride a little high; plus the eyes of the ALL-American girl, lips of an elf, and quirky grin, what's not to like?  The way the spunky fireball can droop her shoulders when she begs for anything pretty much guarantees Shawnee gets what she wants. Plus she always seems a little high, but never low.  Who could possibly resist that?                                  

 

 

The ever so splendid Jennifer Aspen's pony tail serves as a hypnotic aid as far as I'm concerned; her mesmeric eyes certainly help keep my focus.  When she cuts her hair loose I start hallucinating.  Jennifer's a ready-to-wear wife in every way, I just wish I were a ready-to-wear husband, unfortunately I need a fortune's worth of alterations.                                                 

 

 

The relishable Amy Pietz's fluttering eyelashes get the butterflies aloft deep within my gut.  Her short hair style is just the ticket.  Sweeter than anything I've ever tasted.  She's such a tempting treat; I could never resist eating her up. (Alright, get your minds out of the gutter. It's already occupied)                                                                         

 

 

 On "Girls Behaving Badly" I find both practical jokers Kira and Chelsea incredibly hot.  Kira's the one with fiery passionate eyes, the snoz of ahhs, and dark hair. Chelsea's the one with caring and compassionate eyes and light hair of straw. But since they live up to the title of their show and frequently run rather rude pranks, I decided to be a touch rude to them for a change.  That's why I intentionally fail to mention their last names or go into further detail on their beauty.  Sorry ladies, but turn-a-bout is fair play.  Suffices to say I'm in danger of biting my lower lip off when the two pranksters show their stuff. By the way I saw Kira on "Last Comic Standing," not a bad performance at all, but I do wonder why they never mentioned her role on Oxygen.                                                                             

 

 

 I first took notice of her on Titus, and then came the Drew Carey Show; being "Lost" on a deserted isle with the cuddly Cynthia Watros sounds like paradise to me.  Vicarious dreams when she started buddying up to the chubby lotto winner, then they killed her off-sheesh! She's another torturous lip biter.  Cynthia's lush lips curve up ever so lightly at their edges and that's all the entertainment I need.  The slight bump on her nose makes her all the more scrumptious.                                                                                   

 

 

 I wouldn't mind a few other castaways such as the perplexing Yunjin Kim with her cute nose and full porcelain doll lips of plenty, the bawdy Evangeline Lilly with her centerfold body that just won't quit, and of course the cheerleading Emile de Ravin the poster girl for the land down under.                                                                                                          

 

 

 The note-worthy and elating Traci Bingham can save me with mouth to mouth even in the dries desert.  Eyes that were made to lead men into temptation. I could row across an entire ocean with her staring back into my eyes for inspiration.                                                

 

 

 If the provocative Nancy Travis lived next to me I'd turn my wall into Swiss cheese with all the peepholes I'd end up drilling. (If she lived above or below me the ceiling or floor would be equally at risk) Goldilocks is all grown up, but still has the juicy lips of Little Red Riding Hood.  When Nancy gets excited she sometimes playfully rolls her shoulders.  Eyes that tell you all you desire to hear. Sultry smirks out the ying-yang and up the wazoo as well; even the way she cools her coffee by swirling it in small circles heats me up. Who wouldn't kill the "Big Bad Wolf'" if he were harassing her sweetness?  Nancy's creamy smooth grin may be a little flatter than most, but her confident smile brings sunshine to everyone it touches.                                                                                                                                               

 

 

It would be well worth scaling a mountain or two to live next door or even two doors down from the radiant Stephanie Niznik.  Her campfire-warm smile could make the highest mountain cabin cozy.  I'd much rather stare into her eyes than a star-filled sky on the clearest night. Her lissome lips were made for so much more than talking.                                       

 

 

The illuminating Lise Simms would make for a cozy neighbor indeed.  Lise's fabled antics could make any home an adult playground. Her fantastic lips are capable of smiles worthy of a parade as well as urchin-liken grins that can't be forgotten.                     

 

 

A picture-perfect smile radiates every time from the square-jawed goddess Courtney Thorne-Smith.  Perpetually perky and happy, yet her surrealistic spotlight eyes could easily pull a confession from the most accomplished liar. The way she can look dumbfounded with her mouth slightly ajar plus her lips disappearing from time to time confirms her inner child is still alive and kicking. Her longing looks are tailor made to drive men crazy.                                                                                                                        

 

 

If I lived on "Wisteria Lane" I'd be glued to my window with a pair of binoculars, however it wouldn't be for bird watching, it would be for the utmost in girl-watching.  The local hot gossip would hardly interest me, not with the magnificent ladies-of-the-hood view. When the trim and proper lady-like face of the lavish Marcia Cross forms the girliest grin I've ever seen.  Stodgy gives way to childish. It's nothing short of two worlds colliding. In addition her prestigiously trimmed eye brows delicately frame surprisingly fiery eyes.                                                                                                                        

 

 

The fun-filled Felicity Huffman's playful smirk, with one side of her mouth curving down while the opposite side goes upward, makes her an ultimate plaything.  Prankish eyes make me want to put my guard up, although I find myself helpless.  I interpret her scratching an ear or rubbing her chin as code to steal third base.                                                                                                                   

 

 

 The debonair and suave Eva Longoria's dark dancing eyes and jutting lower lip keep me spinning in the isles. Working out at the gym with her would definitely be more pleasure than pain.                                                                                                                            

 

 

The cherishable Teri Hatcher's window shade eyelids never fail to send erotic messages in Morse code. Teri's attention-grabbing lips seem to pucker more than most, but that could be wishful thinking. When she half-raises her arms and anxiously shakes her hands I get even more excited.  I'll never understand how someone so fine can act so shy.                                                                                                                                      

 

 

Let's not forget the freckle-shouldered cowgirl who needs no lasso to reel this small-horned bull in.  In her show's theme song she proudly declares "who she is is who she wants to be," and who could blame her.  I wish I could say the same, but I can't.  Truth is most days I'd rather be just about anyone else than me. Another fine neighbor would be the warm-hearted Reba McEntire whose endless grin keeps me smiling inside. Every time I watch her show I find myself muttering "Reba..Reba...Reba ...," mimicking that hyperactive cartoon mouse "Speedy Gonzales"only in heat.  Reba's big baby doll eyes that seem more Muppet than human; she is a genuine country-singing rhapsody in blue jeans. What I wouldn't give to have those overwhelming caring eyes look my way.  Reba lassoes her men with a twangy western accent that gives a whole new meaning to "home on the range."  I won't even get into what it does to "howdy partner." A rip-roaring belly-shaking laugh complete with a wide open grin similar to Jim Belushi's, only a trillion times more adorable.                                                                                                 

 

 

A magnificent red mane also lies atop Sara Rue.  Although she plays a rather goodie-goodie-two-shoes on her show, her impassioned eyes say something completely different.  Her tendency to inquisitively raise one eyebrow makes me wish I had the answer.  Sara's enthusiastic high school smile brings back the good ole' days; even for those of us who didn't have any. I yearn to gentle tilt Sarah's porcelain pointed chin and steal a kiss.  Her fluttering laugh sounds as if she's short on breath.                                              

 

 

An additional member of the ravishing redhead league is the enchanting Christina Hendricks.  She too, comes fully equipped well-conditioned with a stunning eyes and a paralyzing smile. A pointy nose and slightly cleft chin make her even more special. Her swollen lipped fairytale grin is more befitting of "Tinkerbelle."                                                                                                                          

 

 

 Her smirks are legendary; her lower lip biting excruciatingly exquisite. A remarkable grin that never seems to end, plus eyes that speak volumes more than any library I've fumbled through.  All of the above make Beverly Mitchell my favorite piece of heaven.                                                                                                                               

 

 

  Let's definitely not forget the long-nosed Haylie Duff.  Whose precocious wide-eyes seem to contradict her playful elfin smile?  Devil or angel she presents an enigma that can make any warm-blooded man believe in magic.                                                                                                                                              

 

To change the venue a bit let's not forget those huge Egyptian eyes of the gushy Raven-Symone.  She's one feminine rapscallion who can easily leave me light-headed.  Her cohort, the merry and full-bodied Annaliesse Van Der Pol's pie-dish deep dark eyes make one wonder what deep thoughts she might be thinking.                                                                                                                                                          

 

 Forbidden or not, tasting the blissful Danielle Fishel's blossoming lips would be mandatory for graduation if it were up to me. A "Cuddlebunny" if ever there was one. Her noticeable mystique is nothing less than radioactive.                                                                                                                                              

 

Then there's that delicate dove Amanda Bynes whose hummingbird laugh keeps me light on my feet, jailbait or not. I know people my age tend to think of her as a teenybopper, but I don't.  I see her as the next up-and-coming sex symbol. Perhaps it's because I never grew up, or because Amanda has.  Looking beyond the beauty, you'll realize Amanda has an incredibly animated face, easily an amusing female version of Jim Carrey.                                                                                                                       

 

Another little one way too young for me is Tania Raymonde. I believe she's the youngest ever to catch my eye. Last seen on "Medium" and the island of the "Lost," Tania is growing up nicely indeed! Showing such immaculate promise she's too hard to ignore. Dark thick hair with dark plush eyes, a long straight nose, and youthful grins demand I keep a close eye on her. I could go on, but that wouldn't be proper. (Don't worry I may look, but I'll never touch. Still such beauty makes me wish I were smart enough to invent a time machine or at least discover the Fountain of Youth.)                          

 

Leslie Grossman has gorgeous eyes that can make grown men drop dead in their tracks. Then there's her grin smile that makes me want to cry. (In a very good way) Not to mention a quirky personality those makes one stand up and take notice.                                                                     

 

Returning back to a younger state of mind, when the angel eyed Masiela Lusha brushes her hair behind her ear I have the urge to dive into my television screen and start nibbling on her succulent lobe. Masiela's arched upper lip in incontestably one of nature's finest triumphs. Her television mom, the dramatically sexy Constance Marie is capable of looks with those intense eyes of hers that make even the most trivial item seem as a matter of life and death. Constance's exuberant smile not only says "All is well," but "You're one lucky SOB," as well. (Her smile reminds me of a little girl anxiously getting ready to go on her first pony ride)                                                                                            

 

Valorie Curry has the cutest damn nose.  Add captivating eyes and an incredible energetic smile and the chemistry can't be refuted. While way too young for me I still find the attraction impossible to ignore.                                                                                                                                                                     

 

Shannon Elizabeth daintily uses her little pinky finger to pull her hair from her face.  There's something quaintly familiar about the way she shyly shuffles her feet and questionably shrugs her shoulders.                                                                                                                                                                     

 

The always outstanding Vanessa Lengies makes me wish I could "turn back time." She has the uplifting trait of squinting when she laughs. Then there's the hint of a squeak in her voice. It's the little things that make all the excruciating difference. Vanessa'a slight buck teeth are neatly surrounded by exotic lips found beneath a long nose with just a smidgen of an overhang. A beautiful face covered by long flowing hair that floats through the air in slow motion; accented by smooth ear lobes on both sides just perfect for sweet nothing whispers; brilliant eyes that grab hold and refuse to let you go.                        

 

</SPAN> 

 Allison Mack's exceptionally expressive eyebrows could squeeze tears out of solid stone.  Her hushpuppy eyes melt my soul.  Her long slender nose only serves to make her engaging eyes even larger.  Allison's beaming smile has helped lighten my heavy load on more than one desperate occasion.  When she playfully licks the inside of her top teeth I can't help but roll my eyes in disbelieve.  The constellation of beauty marks on her check is ever so delightful. She also has a drop-jawed expression of humorous disbelief that I can only describe as "Fantasterrific!" Talk about too good to be true!                                                                                                                                               

 

A more age appropriate hushpuppy is the welcoming Monica Horan with those cute chubby chipmunk cheeks of hers.  Sea-breeze hair and ocean-deep eyes add to her refreshing qualities. Her wide smile is a beacon for anyone lost at sea, or anywhere else for that matter.                                                                                                                                              

 

The wallflower personality of Annette O'Toole puzzles me; an enigma nothing less than soul-shaking. How can anything with such wild fondling eyes be tame? Crimson-stained lips say otherwise. If I ever managed to let her wildcat out, she'd likely turn my heart to shreds.                                                                                                 

 

When the hyperactive exuberant Julia Louis-Dreyfus slows down you discover she too has hushpuppy eyes. Carriage rides through Central Park; ice skating at Rockefeller Center. Wonder what level of due diligence would be required to walk hand-in-hand with her?                                                                                                                             

 

More curly locks that you simply must run your fingers through sit atop the glowing head of Jean Louisa Kelly.  The way she shyly looks down when brushing a curly lock behind her ear is unforgettable. Don't let the little girl persona fool you.  Sexy smoldering smirks and fiendishly cleaver eyebrows reveal the temptress within.                                                                                                                    

 

When I think of Yankees, the lust-encouraging Madchen Amick brushing her bangs off her forehead makes me want to jump on the first available Amtrak for New York, and I'm definitely not an urban dweller.  Her jumbo eyes and humble smile make me forget she's a city girl.                                                                                                              

 

 

  Across the river in Jersey I picture one feisty Joely Fisher; more than a handful, her adorable foot trampling and thumb-nail biting more than make up for it.                              

 

 

Kat Foster's Cheshire smile will get your attention in a hurry.  The way she brushes her hair back with a wave of her hand makes her a sparkling queen in my parade of starlets.                                                                                                                              

 

 I really go to the well for a little word play with this one.  She's well-appointed, well-beloved, well-bred, well-conditioned, well-disposed, well-favored, well-groomed, well-grounded, well-spoken, and especially well-rounded.  If she's well-read as well I hope this was well-taken.  After all it's from a well-worn well-wisher. The forehead brusher I've been referring to is the ultra-stellar Janel Moloney-care of Washington, D.C.  A nocturnal rendezvous with her picnicking on the banks of the Potomac would make for the best sight-seeing.                                                                                                    

 

The versatile Mary Lynn Rajskub's slanted eyebrows, amusing Bob Hope mini ski-slope nose, and elfish ears make me wonder what wonderful magic her top-secret lips might posses.  Her anxious eyes always seem to be looking for something. I wish I could help calm her nervous mouth.                                                                                                                   

 

The comforting grin and Southern charms of Jean Smart certainly demonstrate the finest example of Southern Hospitality. Her wicked lips softly speak of extravagantly lustful ways. Her poodle eyes demand affectionate attention from anyone with a heart not of ice.                                                                                                                          

 

Another with poodle eyes and a slightly darker complexion is the chocolately delicious Khandi Alexander; if looks could kill-Khandi got eyes that should be registered as lethal weapons. Kissable lips that could bring the dead back to life await her lucky lover. Her over-bite adds just another beat to my heart.                                                                                                                                                                 

 

The card-carrying cutie Gabrielle Union is an imaginary match made in Heaven. Soul-warming grins and cotton candy-sweet lips put her up on the fluffiest cloud. Eyes tantamount to surrender can make even the strongest man swoon. Setting my sights that high would be impossible. What an honor it would be if only I could make her quota for romance.                                                                                                                                            

 

 

I could die a happy man if the enjoyably emotional Patricia Heaton would only beckon me with a come-hither hand gesture or two. Tummy percolating eyes and finger-tingling looks not typical of your average housewife at all. Her sentimental character gets a bit nervy at times, but remains constantly orgasmic. I'll never believe a hot honey like her is anywhere near as frigid as her most famous role, other than that, her acting is impeccable.                                                                                                                                

 

 

 

Her eyes are the deepest I've ever seen.  So much so that at first I thought she wore black contact lenses to achieve that effect. Eventually I discovered they were the most beautiful brown eyes. The politely poised, eye-catching Marina Sirtis has starry eyes that pierce straight through my heart. Another moment that went down in television history was her seductive emergence from her quarters on the "Enterprise" in a sheer white negligee. No less than an Earth-bound angel, I regret not seeing her too often.(last seen on "Without a Trace")  I can't place Marina's accent, whether it be English, Greek, or Lithuanian makes no difference to me. I would feel like an utter philistine in her presence. I caught her last on "Girlfriends," with a definite British accent. Like me, she's an animal lover.  In addition to her fine looks also has a fine sense of humor. Naturally she's married to a Fabio-Michael Bolton cross breed. But that's alright, she deserves no less. Beautiful people tend to flock together. If Apollo ever takes her for granted at least Marina can use this paragraph to remind him what a good thing he's got. To me Marina remains the proverbial perfect woman; I could bask in her afterglow for days on end.  With lips that leave little to the imagination boldly enters Gina Torres. When she bats those long lashes she sends unmistakable semaphore signals directly to my heart via her extraordinarily glamorous eyes. All hands to the rescue, I'm going down for the third time!                                                                                                                                      

 

 

Any woman that can get your attention with altered extended ear lobes-while bald, blue, and scaly deserves more than just a second look.  Even those scary contact lenses didn't run me off. Her willowy figure is befitting of the plant she plays, but her hot-blooded glances aren't. I offer a more than cordial hey hey to Virginia Hey.  Who would have guessed deep meditative eyes, an adorable puffy nose, and a grin that's out of this world lie beneath all that special-effect make-up? Thanks to the internet I got to see beneath the mask, and I'm extremely glad I did.                                                                                

 

 

 "Hold me close my tiny dancer."(Pardon me, Sir Elton) The gymnastic yet fidgety Gigi Edgley's bobbing head makes it a challenge to plant a kiss upon her divine lips. Her darting eyes are quite a sight to see. Her slim body's always in undulating motion. I imagine her as being extremely pliable.  Her quivering breath can send shivers down my spine.  I wish I could play the tune required to make that little hypnotic cobra dance.                                                                                                                             

 

 

 Claudia Black can brow-beat me to smithereens with those lush eyebrows she wears so well. Bumpy-nosed intimidation never was more welcome. The look she gets when a crease forms at the bridge of her nose is about as intense as it gets; even if I can't figure out what category to place her in.                                                                                       

 

 

Keeping to a Sci-Fi theme, I wouldn't mind it at all if Linda Park walked all over me. She can park herself in my life anytime. When she tilts her round face down at looks up at you with those big baby eyes you fall down flat on your face anyway.  There would be no language barrier with her surefire oval lips, I'll tell you that.                                                                                                                        

 

 

Whether she is android or flesh and bone, Lexa Doing keeps me on high alert.  Her perfectly pointy ears along with those unforgettable lips that curl up at the ends, make me fantasize of curling up with her anytime she passes through my galaxy.                

 

 

 

Nerds around the world also worship Gillian Anderson for her dreamy eyes and x-rated lips that defy explanation.  After seeing her in "Bleak House" and "The Mighty" I can state without a doubt, Gillian is a precious specimen of versatility, an authentic 100 karat Canadian gold nugget; prestigious lady of refinement, street punk, or simple farm girl?  She's also a mighty tasty bit of an enigma.                                                                            

 

 

The beat of my heart always jumps with a smooth smile from that vital firefly Amanda Tapping.  Right choice hairstyle and perfect choice lips make her first pick on my team. With her glimmering eyes distracting me, I end up falling head-over-heels; not knowing which way is up. She's a pulsating pacesetting thoroughbred who could easily keep my heart racing.                                                                                                                                

 

 

Enthusiasm's her middle name and that's a mighty powerful draw to someone who could use a pick-me-up as badly as I. The mirthful Alyson Hannigan's laughter makes me feel at least a decade younger at heart.  Concerning and yearning eyes make a visit to tinseltown well worthwhile.  Hands-down I find Alyson the "fountain of youth" of all my ladies.  With her hushpuppy expressions she also replenishes my belief in humanity, or at least womankind.           

 

 

The outrageous Brooke Dillman certainly has a fine sense of gut-bustin' knee-slappin' humor as well as a few other outstanding attributes a gentleman shouldn't mention.  Brooke lightens the mood in any room the moment she enters. Her off-the-wall antics are notoriously amusing.  Her chipmunk looks are definitely more than noteworthy. Her laugh-a-minute smile can make any home a happy one. Her wonderland eyes are beyond words.                                                                                                                   

 

 

The nimble feet and brisk agile routines of Ashley Drane certainly keeps me on my toes.  Country never looked so lively. Amusing as she is, it's hard to overlook her more stunning charms as well. Honey sweet lips and cheerleader eyes make you wish you could bend over backwards to please her.                                                                                                                                                                           

 

 

 

I'm tempted to make a corny and rather rude joke about plowing. But I'm not a redneck. Instead something a bit hokey comes to mind. I'd rather say the blossoming smile of Ayda Field reminds me of a brilliant field of sunflowers; her eyes, the sunshine that nourishes them. The seeds she plants in my imagination are priceless.                                                                                                                               

 

Even "Married With Children" the curvaceous Katey Sagal is undeniably a feminine force to be reckoned with. Her strong jaw clashing with her soft eyes is truly divine. She's capable of producing a half-grin that's a full thrill to behold.  It's unfortunate she didn't end up "Lost" on the island with all the others or land a permanent role in the "Boston Legal" field.  I could make goo-goo eyes with her till the end of time.                                                              

 

 

Across the pond, the sweeter-than-wine Honeysuckle Weeks name alone puts perverted thoughts into my mindscape. (I bet PBS never intended that!)  Her peachy grin can easily make one forget he's just stubbed his most sensitive toe. She can be my personal chauffeur anytime. Our Lady of Pleasure's restrained jubilance makes the ground she walks on hallowed in my eyes.                                                                    

 

 

The passionate and captivating Marlee Matlin can read my chapped lips at her whim, I'd be more than happy to repeat myself repeatedly.  She needs no words to spread joy.  Marlee expresses herself through a periwinkle grin that's the envy of all the Gods, not to belittle her laughing smile. Her mini bushy eyebrows only assure my undivided attention when gazing into her obviously stunning eyes.  Juliet lips worth dying for plus a long sundial nose that reminds one that time can't be anything but well spent with her. Marlee can cutely scrunch her nose with the best of them. Sign language is more of an art form with her delicate hands performing the choreography. Every time she brushes her hair behind her ear she sweeps me off my feet.  I have an absurd fantasy about finding out what type of music would be her favorite.  It involves sitting across from her at a table for two, ambidextrous hand holding, intense eye gazing, swaying to the music, rhythmic foot tapping, and foot stomping to different beats.  Talk about a whole new level of music appreciation!(I also have a fantasy about teaching a blind woman the colors of the rainbow. For a mutt like me blindness has a definite appeal. I assume I'll still get butterflies looking into eyes that can't look back)                                                                                                           

 

 

What the hell, I take a break now to describe colors for those who have never seen.  I'm more than a bit curious to see if I can do it. Who knows, this work might just be published in brail someday.  This may seem insanely arrogant of me, so please keep it in mind it's all extremely subjective. 

           

 

 

Let's start with the unexpected-clear.  The color of glass and water in can indeed be seen despite its deceptive label.  Windows, windshields, teardrops, sweat, plastic rap, oh my. Ice cubes and ice cycles tend to make it a cool color, but I think of it more as refreshing.  Diamonds are usually clear, extremely sparkly, with a hint of color.

           

 

Next a word on black and white.  Although referred to often to describe the race of a person, nobody actually has black or white skin.  Fact is most people fit into the earth-tone category which I'll get into shortly.                                                                                 

 

 

For a change I'll start with black.  The color of night, or the absence of light, it is frequently associated with evil and can be found at most funerals.  Ironically it absorbs light and can become quite hot under a summer sun. It is also the color of the printed word.  The deepest part of the eye is black as are the deepest reaches of our oceans and outer space.  Also the deepest shine can be found on cars painted this color. So I think of black as deep.  Eyelashes, wet tar, licorice, raisins, tires, and windshield wipers are among the most common items in this color.

           

 

 

The presence of all colors is known as white. It reflects light and is the choice for staying cool in summer. Lightning flashes daylight for a split second when reflected in the clouds on even the darkest nights.  Thus many consider this the brightest color. White is found at just about every wedding and Confirmation.  The outer two-thirds of the eye, teeth, toothpaste, soap, snow, dandruff, friendly clouds, cotton, marshmallows, ceilings, furry critter underbellies, underwear, sheets, paper, plates, pillow cases, milk, refrigerators, toilets, and bathtubs are what first comes to my mind. Stars in the midnight sky are specks of white upon the darkest black assuming you're far away from any artificial light sources. No bakery would be complete without white since salt, sugar, flour, baking powder, the most common egg shells, and rice all come standard in said same. Generally thought of as pure due to how easily it can get dirty or smudged.  Thought of as good, it can be found draped over the altar in most churches as well. Most likely to be voted fluffy, it also symbolizes hope.

           

 

 

The earth tones-gray, tan, and brown are what you will usually find the ground beneath you to be made of as well as tree bark and lumber, so I think of them as solid.  Considered neutral colors, tan and grey are often chosen for furniture, carpet, and car interiors.                                                                                                                                  

 

 

 

Gray can be rather depressing since is so often though of as the color of clouds on a rainy day. Dark gray clouds can be down-right scary. Ashes are usually gray. Weathered wood tends to turn the same. Concrete is on the lighter side of gray while asphalt is usually darker. Cinder blocks come standard in grey. It is the color of pencil lead which gives it a light air of whimsy when considered in conjunction with sketches and drawings. When thought of with math, it takes on a clinical feel. It's also the color of steel and lead which can give it a heavy quality. Yet wild animal fur is usually gray on the sides with brown running down the spine.  Most birds and squirrels come with a coat largely in this color.

           

 

 

Tan is technically a light brown, but it doesn't come with the same feel, so I treat it separately. Sand is on the lighter side.  It's also known as beige and or Caucasian.  Nuts, the type you eat, are also various shades of tan, at least on the inside.  Most bread, pasta, and sauces come in this shade. Unstained wood comes in tan in most cases.                        

 

 

 Brown is few people's favorite, although some of the warmest eyes come in that hue.  Then again so does shit, most dirt, and mud tends to be in the darker range; dried leaves and pine straw fall in the middle tones. Potato skins are brown whereas their insides are white. For those who think this color rather lackluster I remind you compared to tan it is far less bland: Chocolate, colas, syrups, and caramel are brown. And don't forget to feel good about James Brown. Brown mixed with red is the most common shade of brick.  Terra cotta pots are a similar shade with a dab of orange mixed in.                                   

 

 

As I mentioned earlier, people come in shades from tan to the darkest browns, with a hint of pink instead of gray in most cases, to reflect the common blood that runs within us all.

           

 

 

Green is the color of nature, more specifically plant life. For me, it's the most vibrant color of all. Almost all healthy leaves-pine needles, and grass included are one shade of green or another.  Watermelons, limes, pears, spearmint, salads, and most vegetables are tossed in here; on a slightly negative connotation so are mosses, algae, and mold. Lakes can often look this color at a distance since sea-weed often lurks beneath the surface. Also military uniforms and reptiles are often in this category seeing as they often are camouflaged to blend in.  Green is the color most likely to be voted scaly or slimy. Unfortunately too many fortune hunters only think of money under this category.

           

 

 

Blue, in its lightest shades is the color of the daytime sky.  More vividly it's also the color of the lining of most swimming pools and much of the world's oceans making it most likely to be associated with cool wetness. 

           

 

Yellow is thought of as warm since it closest resembles sunshine.  I tend to consider it more of a buzzing color. Lemons, scrambled eggs, bananas, pineapple-inside, butter, light bulbs, wildflowers, bumblebees, school buses, dandelions, and post-it notes typically come in this color. I tend to think of it as the tropical color. In its dingier shades it can also be affiliated with age since sheets, paper, and teeth all tend to turn that way in time.

           

 

Red is the color of love, balloons, apples, valentines, cherries, strawberries, sports cars, and most roses. It's a party pleaser, it's hot, it's happening, probably the most favorite color of all. Red stripes on white is the predominant color of mint, such as candy canes. Other than romance and Christmas, it is often used as a warning such as for stop signs.  Although horror movies portray blood as bright red, in reality it's more of a darker red or burgundy.  So are red wine, most red furniture, and some car interiors. Red, both bright and dark, is also most used as the color of the Devil's pajamas.

           

 

 

Pink, the lightest shade of red, is also associated with Valentine's Day, but it's my choice for softest color since cotton candy, champagne, bubble gum, gums, tongues, and other parts of the body typically wet, come in that shade. Pepto Bismal comes in this shade.  Ironically so do finger and toe nails.  It's also a color known for its calming effect.

           

 

Lavender, pink with a hint of purple, is what I consider the ultimate ladies' color.  Other than flowers, female fashions and perfume is what it reminds me of.  Jade, a light bluish green, comes in a close second.

           

 

Purple I don't see too often.  Tend to think of grape juice, hard candy, Easter, toys, and celebrations mostly of the festive variety. It's also used often for royalty and as adornment on priest's robes.                                                                                                         

 

 

 Orange is the natural color of fire. It's bright, but a bit too bawdy for anyone with any fashion sense at all. To me it's mostly a warning color.  Construction signs, joggers' vests, the one fruit and juice that are its namesake, marigolds, butterscotch, American and cheddar cheeses, cheese doodles, sparks, car turn signals, and yellow traffic lights are this color. (Don't know why traffic lights came to be known as yellow)  I think of this color as electrifying.

           

 

Silver is gray with a shiny luster.  Gold is yellow with a gleam. Bronze is brown with a sheen. Copper is orange and brown with a shine. Wiring, on the inside is normally copper or silver.                                                                                                               

 

 

Silver I attach to metal and man-made objects such as coins, lampposts, railings, guardrails, chain link fences, door knobs, tools, aluminum foil, tinsel, and often valued for decorative uses such as Christmas ornaments, cabinet hardware, rings, necklaces, and other self-adornment. Forks, spoons, and knives are called silverware for obvious reasons. Most fillings come in silver, although they are changing to white in an effort to match the teeth they're set in. I've never been much into jewelry. The only thing the little boy in me finds precious about silver is the deep shine in a classic muscle car's or motorcycle's chrome. Tools do have their constructive uses as can money. Silver is my choice for flashy.                                                                                                                       

 

 

Gold is still first choice for most jewelry and used ostentatiously to show off wealth, so I consider it the most arrogant color.  It can however appear as specks in the center ring of eyes where I feel it best belongs. Translucent gold in liquid form best describes not only beer, but apple juice, vinegar, and urine as well.

            

 

 

 Bronze is the color of many statues, some doorknobs, and most kick plates. To me it's the most formal color.

 

 

Copper you rarely see unless used as wiring and electrical connections, therefore I consider it the electric color.                                                                                                            

 

 

 I throw in golden brown as the color of crunch.  Fried foods, baked chickens, and turkey fall into this category, so do cockroaches. It's also the color of hay, winter grass, toast, and wheat.                                                                                                         

 

 

There's a lot of colors I left out. Truth is there are about as many colors as there are leaves on the trees, I could write an entire book on all the subtle shades, but who would buy it? That about does it for a brief intro to color 101, now back to the babes.

           

 

 

The cunningly crafty Charisma Carpenter would need little of her first name to seduce little ole me. Her quick-draw smile seems to come out of nowhere.  Charisma keeps you on your toes in the best way. She could bring out the animal instinct in a priest. Her presence alone invokes images of candlelight, rose petals, and satin sheets.                                                                         

 

 

It would be more than a honor to have the glamorous Rhona Mitra defend my right to worship at her dainty feet.  It would be nothing short of an answer to a desperate prayer. She'd be so much more than a mere trophy wife to a pitiful fool such as I.                                 

 

 

The devoted Dana Delany could freeze me in my tracks with a mere wink and a smile.   Something in her eyes makes me believe she's steadfast, loyal, and true.  She makes one feel as warm and cozy as a bubble bath after a clumsy day of ice skating in a bathing suit. I'm sure she's also taken, spoken for, and not available.               

 

 

Thoughtful eyebrows bounce up and down over the most compassionate eyes I've ever seen.  Helen Hunt looks as if she could comfort the world and all its multitude of multi-national problems and still have compassion to spare.  She can crinkle her forehead just right, not to mention the musk-rat way she can squint and wrinkle her nose. Helen can be incredibly seductive we she's in a playful mood.                                                               

 

 

"Mad About You" is how I often felt about Leila Kenzle.  Simply stunning comic book eyes and a cuddle-bunny bulbous nose create a bewildering look that often results in me finding myself lost. You may laugh, but many men who had crushes on comic book characters when they were little boys don't. (I still have fond memories of two feminine long-tailed members of the "Thundercats")  Amusing lips that would be so much fun to explore draw one closer. When she chews the nail on her index finger Leila may as well point the way to ecstasy. The coy minx happens to be the very definition of "demure." For those who prefer a more sophisticated art, she also has a slightly gapping mouth pose that was meant to be captured on canvas.                                                                                                                                      

 

 

 

Last seen on "House," Mel Harris has eyes that comfort and heal. I wish I saw her more. Nothing less than "to die for;" I have no idea why she has the handle of a bald accountant.  Perhaps it's short for Melissa.  I had a crush on a girl with said name not too long ago.(She had the kind of "Bond" legs one can't forget) Or could it be for Melody like the one she puts in my heart; mellifluous-melodious definitely; mellow-melodramatic at time; melons obviously; melancholy never.                                                                                            

 

 

 

Michelle Trachtenberg was on the same episode.  I almost didn't include her, being so young.  But I promised to be honest. Talking about wishing I were way back in High School.  But I'm not, so shame forbids me to go any further.  There are imposed limits to my imagination, barely.                                                                                                            

 

 

There's something undeniable about the transcendental Sarah Silverman that keeps me from turning away.  Maybe it's the way she scratches her upper lip; or her flashy, shifty eyes and arrogant grin.  Sarah's plush dancing eyebrows sure put on a spectacular show as well. The term "bel espirit" comes to mind.                                                                                                      

 

 

 That cocky and zany scamp Tori Spelling could lead me down a twisted path or two. Her wild eyes put the whammy on me. Her witty wonderfully wanton ways are a potent potion easy to swallow.                                                                                                            

 

 

 I wouldn't mind spending the summer in Big Brother's house with either of the high-hearted Julie or Joan Chen, just turn off the cameras.  Both seem made from the same perfect mold to satisfy lonely hearts. I have no idea if they're related, but their exotic looks sure are.                                                                                                                      

 

 

The life-affirming Justine Bateman doesn't need any bait to catch this horny fish out of the water.  Maximum emanations of an erotic nature seem to radiate from her racy eyes. Lips made to be tasted. Her delightful lure appears all natural.                                                                                                            

 

 

The aloof Jill Marie Jones's prime lips are constantly begging to be kissed.  Her curvaceous charms have no limits.  She never let's a man forget he's a man. Honeychild is tip-top, all that, and a bag of chips.                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

The avante-guard Golden Brooks's exotic eyes speak of distant lands and forbidden pleasures. It's an utter fiasco when her big-tooth, smart aleck smile is obscured by her touching her finger to her luscious lips.                                                                                                                                                               

 

 

 

With her high cheek bones Gail O' Grady is a wide-eyed fashion queen, reminiscent of WWII pin-up gals.  Her hour-glass curves are still all the rage.  Gail's one "Hot Property" indeed! She belongs painted on the side of an Air Force jet, reminding our boys what they're truly fighting for.                                                                                        

 

 

 If you get distracted by her body first, as so many of us men do, then the next thing you should notice is her delightfully dimpled chin. When she smiles Jeri Ryan's gleaming white teeth almost blind one to her sumptuous lips.  Her pointy nose leads the way to Jeri's "Jumbo-tron" soulful eyes, which make her a seductive sight not to be missed.                                                                                                                                        

 

 

 

 The admirably curious Katie Couric could conduct a secluded interview with me anytime, day or night.  I could easily get lost in the consummate profession Katie's eyes, short-term amnesia most likely. Her cajoling ways would leave me wondering what the hec just happened?                                                                                                                       

 

 

 It would be well worth a broken bone to have the sunny Katherine Heigl play doctor with me. The way she jokingly rolls her eyes combined with those baby-doll lips and breezy smile makes me believe she'd have one hell of an invigorating bedside manner. Simple grocery shopping could become an adventure if she led the way.                                                               

 

 

 It would be equally worth the pain of a dislocated shoulder to have the yummy Sara Ramirez be the one to coax it back in place.  A forceful presence, Sara still easily manages to firmly establish her softer girlish side.  Slightly slanted eyebrows, dark mysterious eyes and a killer smile demand you keep a close eye on our prime suspect.                                                                                                                             

 

 

 She may be light on her feat, but she can't creep by me without being noticed. I don't believe for a minute she's anywhere near as prudent as the character she plays. The stealthy seductress Sandra Oh whispering to me to count backwards with those round puckering lips would double the chances of me having pleasant dreams before going under.                                                                                                                                              

 

Brooke Smith's wholesome moon-pie face has just got to be the best desert of all.    I could easily latch onto the top-choice Laura San Giacomo like a starving puppy with his first bone. The thickest eyebrows make her ardent eyes so damn expressive it should be a crime. She has an aura of bashfulness and an eagerness I find most appealing. I could climb the Eiffel Tower like a poor man's "King Kong" if she were the prize waiting for me at the top.                                                                                                     

 

 

Rest assured the well-bred Corine Bohrer is never boring in my eyes; another vibrant flower child synonymous with peace, love, and sharing. To me she's adventurous and acrobatic in the most desirable ways.  I doubt she'd have any trouble bowling me over with a feather.                                                                                                                  

 

 

The single perfect Rose I would want in my garden comes with the last name of Perez.  Cheeks with dimples you just wanna kiss, but never pinch, adorn this delight. On every occasion this passion flower is in full bloom. If she has any thorns they certainly aren't visible. Rosie is without doubt the foremost in flourishing femininity. Her exuberance for life makes her seem more dream than reality. The exuberant and bounteous gal seems slightly precarious, yet incredibly amiable none the less.                                      

 

 

There's absolutely nothing casual about this glimmering pearl from the orient. The well-proportioned and pretty-faced Sung-Hi Lee keeps me flying in my perverted daydreams; walking dynamite if ever there was such a thing; an utmost prime example of womankind in every imaginable way. She's one firecracker whose zesty audacity renders me helpless.                                                                                                                                  

 

 

 

The only thing common about the improper-thought-nurturing Kellita Smith is her last name. Well-spoken, well-rounded, and well-groomed means she's well-beloved in my eye. When Kellita impishly tilts her head sideways like a bewildered puppy, I just wanna give her a belly rub.                                                                                                                     

 

 

 

The mollycoddling and compassionate Patricia Arquette's sweet, soft yet gently gruff voice would be a welcome way to wake up in the morn.  To me she sounds like a little girl who's sung her favorite song out loud one too many times. Wiping the sleep out of Patricia's bright eyes would be a pure delight, even if she saw it coming.                                                                                                                                   

 

 

 

 Let's not forget the unimpeachable Geena Davis, obviously more than a mere first lady. Every now and again her speech slurs just slight enough to sound as if she's sucking on a lollipop or Lifesaver.  Killer dimples hang beneath the lioness's wild eyes.  When Geena tilts her head those thrill-seeking eyes can become the most compassionate, optical illusion or not, it's a transformation I could easily get used to.                                                                                                                                                                                    

 

 

 

Bangs that beg to be brushed back belong to Michaela Conlin.  Ears peeking out from under frolicy hair and a sky wide smile add to her allure.  Tropical eyes beneath the daintiest eyebrows make an impression you won't soon forget.  Her dimpled upper lip is paired with a thick lower one, both perfectly designed for kissing. Her cute pointy nose has a flare about it as well.                                                                                                                     

 

 

 

Another spectacular Tahitian smile spreads across the face of Camille Mana. (Actually Philippine, but Tahiti sounds better) One of the next generation of head-turners and heart-breakers; straight shiny hair from here to there; sad soulful eyes.  Can we say "exotic passionate desire" boys and girls?                                                                                    

 

 

A gal with bangs to wish for is Kari Matchett.  She can "invade" my life anytime.  Irresistibly sad eyes draw you in.  A slender nose with a slight bump leads you to full lips that finish you off.  One flash of those pearly whites and I'm done for                                                                                    

 

 

 Jenna Fischer's bouncing eyebrows certainly keep things moving along at a lively pace.  Her humorous expressions can bring out the practical joker in anyone. Her eagerness is more than contagious. The way she teasingly licks the inside of her teeth is precious.  Jenna keeps her hair tied back behind her ears; I yearn to set it free.  There's a lot about her I'd like to see unrestrained.                                                                                        

 

 

 

 Oh what I wouldn't give to have Marguerite MacIntyre hug me and tell me in placating tones that:" Everything was going to be alright."  With those condoling eyes and mollifying lips life would indeed be worth living.                                                                                                                                             

 

 

 

 When it comes to a one-way infatuation the "Dark Angel" Jessica Alba has a look that's all her own.  It's a pure pleasure to be trembling in my boots when confronted by the confident and dominating atmosphere that surrounds her.  Her baby-doll street-punk face is a lethal combo for anyone who catches even a temporary glimpse into her time-stopping eyes.  Her softly inviting lips need not speak a word to captivate any pure-blooded American male. My lustful eyes find Jessica joyously intimidating to say the least.  I dare not say the most.                                                                                                                                       

 

Jamie Lee Curtis may have gone "Disney," but motherly roles can't hide the vixen's soft-touch eyes nor her hard-hitting lips.  She's still well capable of dispensing the sternest sultry looks along with the most childish smirks imaginable.  Now that Jamie's more woman and less mannequin her true character shines much more brightly.  With her head-nodding laughs and semi-political stances I find her a delightful walking contradiction.  Plus Moma never cooked like she does-sizzling!                                                          

 

 

   A woman whose grin seems to come from nowhere to knock you off balance is Christine Lahti. When she smiles the woozy effect is magnified even more so. Plus it doesn't hurt that her playful hairstyles help to counteract her most formidable presence.                                                                                                  

 

 

 

There isn't a single female member of the cast of "Friends" that I wouldn't want to be more than friends with.  The high-cheeked honey capable of a pointy-chinned smile so joyous it actually looks like it hurts is Lisa Kudrow.  Despite the character she played I find a sweet innocense and gentle way about her.  Lisa has a unique way of speaking through a timid voice that demands attention.  She possesses bird-like qualities that not only make her seem fragile, but aloof as well. A consummate playful intellectual she looks at life through the eyes of an artist.  And let's not forget that long slender neck just begging to be kissed.                                                                                                                                                               

 

 

Her confidence is overwhelming.  Her sharp smile can cut even the darkest and dankest mood with ease.  Courteney Cox Arquette reminds me of a pep-squad leader on speed. Let the racing heartbeats begin! Her alert eyes always seem to be on the lookout for something special. If you're not careful her sex appeal can catch you off-guard, sending you heart-fist plummeting into heart-break.                                                                            

 

 

 

And the leader of the fox pack, whose haircut became standard for the Nation: Jennifer Aniston; cute button nose contrasting with eyes that always seem to be in deep contemplation.  How could anyone spend more than 5 minutes with her without asking what she was thinking?  You can't help but think still waters run deep, but just when you convinced there's something deep beneath the surface Jennifer hits you with one of her teacher's pet smiles.  You lose your train of thought instantly.  She's seems a natural with kids as well. A beautiful mix of Yoda and an ewok, she is probably the supreme example of the girl next door.  The way her head can tip back when she laughs makes me tipsy. I do get a vibe of emotional to the max from her, not really sure why.                    

 

 

 

   Another long-necked marvel is Diane Farr.  Big beautiful bedroom eyes more than compensate for her slightly sad-n-twangy voice.  A lovely long lily nose goes with the neck as a matched set, both perfect for nuzzling.  Add to the package long hair with brush backable bangs and a man would have to be crazy to ask for more.                                                                                                                                         

 

 

 

  America Ferrera has a shoulder roll that can't be beat.  She can march down a hallway like a woman on a mission.  And her stare down drops me to my knees every time.                                                                                                                                                 

 

 

Ana Ortiz's happy hands reflect a gigantic smile that's bound to spread the joy.             

 

 

Last in my star charts, but certainly not least, is the woman all other women hate, but wish they could be-the sensual Angelina Jolie. America's most notorious success de scandale, Angelina sets a standard of magnificence few can meet. She can have her way with just about any leading man she chooses. A sterling example of a powder-puff starlet she says her lines from plump legendary lips.   Her incorrigible eyes instinctively lock onto the camera.  Movie picture perfect she sashays across the screen with a sensational body that demands a spotlight.  Saucy and scandalous rumors surround her like buzzards circling their next meal.  The paparazzi are all over her like ticks on a bloated balding hound dog.  The famous first words of many hen-pecking parties are:  "I don't like to gossip, but..." With all the "newsworthy gossip" being banded about there's no telling what Angelina's really like. At the very least I tip my hat to the lady for visiting poverty stricken regions most of us don't even like to think about; making a difference; witnessing atrocities that would give me endless nightmares. That's more than most can say.                                                                                                                                           

 

 

 

 I tried my best not to duplicate any descriptions. I feel that would cheapen the moment.  Unfortunately I doubt I'm that good. There are only so many adjectives to go around. Even if I found 100 adjectives to fit each one just right, it wouldn't suffice.  Each and every one deserves her own language. It's the only way to do them justice. There just aren't enough words to describe beauty beyond compare.  All I can say is time alone with any one of them is time best spent, naked or not.                                                        

 

 

A little reminder to those foolish men out there who have trouble telling their mates how they feel.  It doesn't matter how you say it, just say it.  Tell your loved one's you love them.  They need to hear it whether they say so or not.  You don't have to get fancy, just mean what you say and they'll know it.  The rewards are worth the effort.  The potential for disaster isn't worth the risk of remaining silent. Don't let macho pride blow the best thing you have going for you.  Solitude isn't pleasant at all.                                 

 

 

 

 You're going to find this hard to believe, especially after my superfluously silly preceding testimonial to the starlets, but, as absurd as it may sound I actually don't believe in love at first sight.  I haven't fallen head-head-over-heels for any of them, but I could be...oh so easily...in the blink of a long-lashed eye...in a single heartbeat.  Any time I catch one on television I do get a little light headed and more than slightly spellbound. However love takes a deeper connection than mere surface beauty.  It means taking risks and spending time to get to know each other. Steeping up and actually talking to the potential love of your life isn't as easy for some as it is for others. Success mandates sharing intimate details you can't share with anyone else, not even your priest; putting it all on the line, holding nothing back.  Hoping and praying another can accept the good along with the bad; a flirtatious game of give and take with both parties better for having played. Minimum skill requirements should include wanting to know everything about each other, even stuff you may not want to hear.                                                                   

 

 

On the other hand, infatuation at first giggle, brushing back a soft curly lock of hair, the slightest edge of mouth grin, the "bewitching" wiggle of the nose, an inquisitive raise of an eyebrow or two, a bewildered puppy dog turning of the head, a playfully enticing wink,  even a gentle scratch of the nose or ear tug; well, those are the thrills that a hermit  lives by. It can be as little as a gleam in the eye or a flutter in a laugh.  There are no set rules.  I have as much control over the butterflies soaring as I do over the sun rising and falling. I find it's often the little things that make things interesting.  Subtle nuances such as lip biting, licking and smacking are almost always super distractions. Eye blinking, winking, fluttering, or even squinting can stop time. Tugging, scratching, rubbing, or just touching the ears, neck, or nose can get my adrenalin flowing.  Merely tilting, nodding, or turning a head just the right way can send shivers down my spine. The wondrous little things an empty heart immediately takes notice of, but many satisfied hearts take for granted. I could never manage to survive without such indulgences.  For desolate dogs like me those are exactly what we howl for in the lonely twilight hours. Those who will never touch beauty can at least dream about it. The tiniest bit of allure and I'm hopelessly hooked.  With the slightest bit of effort any pretty woman could get me to swallow just about anything hook, line, and sinker. Unfortunately nobody seems to want to reel me in. This lonely mackerel is more than eager to jump into a net. However this true "chicken of the sea" hasn't the nerve or confidence to approach any rescue life boats. Consequently I find myself floundering in deeper and darker waters than ever before, yet I still can see the sunlight, even if I need to squint more and more. Some magical day this whale hopes to surface.  I'll probably always be the big one that got away, even though I never got caught. Such is what tall tales are made of, extra-wide ones too.                                                                                                                                                      

 

 

 

Boy!  Or rather Oh Girl!  I thought I was going to run out of adjectives. I overdid the word "hushpuppy" a bit, but it fits how they make me feel to a tee.  As I said earlier there just ain't enough words in the English language to do the women justice.  I held back and left out many of the little bumps, birthmarks, freckles, dimples, and beauty marks in order to minimize repetition.                                                                                          

 

 

 

 I didn't mention any of the baggy eyes, minor dings, dents, ridges, laugh wrinkles, crow's feet, forehead creases, or buck or gapped teeth that I find add charm and character.  Imperfections are usually more like highlights to me, although most women don't like to be reminded of them.  Same can be said for bulbous noses which I frequently find cute on the female population, but they often seek rhinoplasty for, funny how subjective tastes can be.  I did my best to keep my inner horny little devil at bay, that's why I didn't go into much detail about the "sinsational" sculpturesque shapely bodies. My lusty lunacy can get out of control before I know it, best not to risk releasing it. Besides I fear such talk would make me come off as a rather vulgar raffish rapscallion. I'm enough of a persona non grata as is. Best minimize the pangs below my waist; they're contrary to blood circulating to my brain.  My vocabulary would likely drop to near zero if I allowed myself such indulgences.  I'll admit I do on my own private time.              

 

 

I could go on and on and on, but I figure you get the gist.  I don't dare push your patience any further.  I can't narrow my favorites down to just one or even the top dozen.  None of the women mentioned is second-rate anyway. Each one of the ladies is spectacular as far as I'm concerned.  They're all walking miracles in their own way; each and every one confirmation that cosmetic perfection can be found on Earth. They all leave me in a state of considerable confounded ecstasy whenever I stop to smell the prize-winning roses.  Any one of them could make me succumb to temptation, it wouldn't take much effort. There's an obvious reason that paragraph was the longest in my book.(I later turned it into a series of mini-paragraphs to help separate the descriptions better)  My computer crashed after I first wrote the preceding extra-long paragraph, but I didn't mind redoing it at all.  They're all authentic National treasures as far as I'm concerned, a resource never to be wasted or neglected. Paying homage to the beautiful people, or at least the feminine half, is nothing less of pure joy for me. After all it's their beauty that inspires me, even as unobtainable as I perceive them to be.  They form oases for me to retreat to in times of despair; sacrosanct sanctuary for me to recharge my batteries.  Just the knowledge that such pleasurable pretty women exist gives me some level of bizarre comfort.                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

 

Still after a while, pleasure turns to torture, there's a fine line between in my isolated little universe. So even though all my precious lovelies deserve at least one line dedicated to them individually I had to cut it short-sorry.  It should come as little surprise that in a world where beautiful people can get away with murder I have a tendency to envy them.  I don't mean that literally.  In reality it's the wealthy that get away with murder more than the beautiful.  If you're really fortunate you have both, then the world is your oyster.                                                                                                     

 

 

  Fortune favors the bold.  I may be bald in a few short years; unfortunately I'll never be bold.  What a difference a single letter can make!  Sad truth is if I ever ran into any one of the ladies mentioned, or even one of their doppelgangers, I would become cataleptic instantly. I'd become the human equivalent of a deer caught in the headlights. Not a single compliment would cross my lips. Even with my autobiography as an ice-breaker there would be no hand-holding quid pro quo, no "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine" either. No mating rituals, no pick-up lines, no attempt at witty repartee.  This run-of-the-mill so-and-so would be frozen, blind sided and awkwardly silent. A muddleheaded mess barely able to string two words together. Noticeably rude would be how star-struck I would probably come across. The only hint to my over attraction might be the low rumbling coming from my belly, if they had really good hearing and keen instincts.  If wonky I attempted to say anything at all I would be tongue-tied.  Attractive beyond belief leaves me drastically short on vocabulary. If any of the aforementioned ladies did ever try to reach me, I probably wouldn't reply.  I'd just assume spare them the massive disappointment.                                                                                                                    

 

 

 

   I'm a fool who can't help but envision worst case scenarios. If I ever were lucky enough to strike gold and find a woman to date things would end badly.  My manifest destiny would be a man-eating tempest who would chew me up, spit me out, and then curse me to the Devil for leaving a bad taste in her mouth. I'd move Heaven and earth trying to please her to no avail.  In the end I would be left devastated in a topsy-turvy universe not knowing which way was up.  I believe that would put me in an even lower state than I'm already in.  I would end up with an obliterated spirit and a heart blown to smithereens. I don't see how I could possibly survive that. Ridiculous thing is-I still hold onto hope of finding that very special person, the one who would complete me.  Love is hope and hope springs eternal.                                                                                                    

 

 

 First clue to love at first sight-weak knees, weak knees.  When an excited heart skips a beat-week knees, week knees.  Shortness of breath a trembling mess-week knees, week knees.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

 

 

   Chapter 70: I'm in Heaven                                                                 Being a man I can't limit talking about beautiful women for merely one chapter.  So I'm not finished, not by a long shot.  I can't help myself.  Also because all men are dogs an ultimate fringe benefit couldn't help but cross my mind.  Until I work up the nerve to mention it, I' decided to elaborate a bit on more on how a massive recluse like me sees women. I knew talking about celebrities would really get the gossip flowing so I stuck to names from public domain. I'll continue to do so, but soon I'll also be throwing in several of the bit players from movies or T.V. who haven't been discovered yet to throw a little publicity their way, for I'd like to see more of them.                                          

 

 

  I'm about to get a billion times more cocky than I've ever been.  I openly admit I have no business being so arrogant, but the distance of anonymity has given me temporary courage to add to my insanity. Please keep it in mind that it's all said and done to entertain, not to take seriously at all.  It is me playing on paper, fantasy run completely amuck, nothing more. I blew my top multiple times, now my libido erupts, and I risk blowing your minds. God knows I don't really mean a word of it, how could I?                              

 

 

Now I take the objectifying women into a characterization and categorizing phase on a scale that's never been attempted before. I tried to detail the inner qualities I'd like to believe they all posses earlier when brushing into areas of love. I'll try to describe as best I can the personality and character traits as well as any other ideal features that caught my eye; my way to dive a fathom deeper than just surface beauty.  </SPAN>It will be far easier for me if I just give you multiple examples of the most noticeable categories.                   

 

 

There are exceptions in every category.  Not all elves are tiny; some are big-boned girls.  Not all farm girls have freckles and red hair; many could easily pass as city girls.  Baby face girls don't necessarily have to be young, and librarians don't have to be older. No traits are set in stone.  These categories are, by no means, in order of relevance or preference.  They're all equally stunning in my eyes. In fact I'm not even sure how many "fields of dreams" there will be at this taking off point.  I simply tried to think of beautiful women that have more than gotten my attention and assorted them into what I intended to be similar groupings.                                                                                                        

 

 

 

The groups I've chosen to objectify women into that you're about to read is what I personally came up with. The arrangement is immensely subjective and therefore I don't expect anyone else to agree with my assessment.  I prejudiced it with my own personal touches, which is my job as a writer.  It's solely for amusement, yours and especially mine.  It definitely shows how I live vicariously by letting my imagination run wild.  All these women I have fantasized at least a little about from time to time; especially when I'm exposed to a fresh dose of the visions of paradise on television.  Now I get to record parts of my daydreams on paper.  I went a little crazy with alliteration to add a touch of comic relief.                                                                         

 

 

  Let us begin. Hold onto your hats, and hold off on your criticism. For my first category I randomly selected the "mischievous fairy or elfish variety" of supernatural feminine attributes.  It may be the result of Disney brainwashing the kid in me using the fluttering antics of "Tinkerbelle," or a desire to remain young at heart.  Perchance it may be just wishful thinking benefiting the concept of real magic in the world.  A fortuitous flashback to childhood fairytales when still believing in magic came so easily.  In either case, one of my favorite categories contains women with tantalizing grins often sexier than their smiles.  I can't recall ever getting through an episode of Rebba McEntire's sitcom without my toes curling at least once.  Endearing Everblooming Euphoric Enchantresses in this category possess traits that usually include: a shorter petite statue with an athletic gymnastic physique; shorter haircuts that tend to accentuate ears; a delightful longer face with a pointed chin; and last but certainly not least: bright, prankish, and embracing eyes that speak of adventure and miracles.  The Wide-eyed Whimsical Wood Nymphs's steps are light; frequently their playful small feet seem to float on the wind.  Other "celebs" in this field are: Allison Mack, Amy Huck, Amy Jo Johnson, Amy Pietz, Anne Hathaway, Anne Heche, Ashley Drane, Ashley Judd, Aurelia Dobre, Brandy, Cara Buono, Carey Lowell, Caroline Hayes, Carrie Fisher, Carrie Preston, Cheri O Teri,, Cheryl Hines, Christina Hendricks, Claudette Mink, Cynthia Gibb, Chrysyee Pharris, Cristi Carlson Romano, Daniela Battizzocco, Debra Azar, Diane Neal, Didi Conn, Elaine Hendrix, Elizabeth Berkley, Erin Moran, Essence Atkins, Eva Longoria, Francesca Gollini, Georgina Verbaan, Gigi Edgley, Heather Stewart Whyte, Hilary Duff, Holly Wortell, Hudson Leik, Iva Lane, Jamie Hammer, Jamie Sale, Jane March, Jennifer Beals, Jennifer Lien, Jennifer Sky, Jessica Leccia, Jill Flint, Jill Marie Jones, Joanna Canton, Joanna Going, Jodi Fleisher, Jolene Blalock, Jolie Jenkins, Jordan Berkow, Joy Bryant, Julie Warner, Katarina Witt, Kathy Evison, Katie Couric, Kristen Miller, Laura Bertram, Leslie Windram, Lisa Calder, Lisa Eilbacher, Lisa Rinna, Lise Simms, Liv Tyler, Mandy Michaels, Marina Sirtis, Markie Post, Marla Sokoloff, Mary Lou Retton, Melanie Paxton, Michelle Forbes, Nana Visitor, Natalie Imbruglia, Nicole DeBoar, Paige Davis, Patricia Heaton, Paula Abdul, Piper Perabo, Polly Shannon, Ricki Lake, Robin Tunney, Robyn Harris, Roselind Allen, Sabrina Lloyd, Sara Rue, Sharon Lawrence, Sharon Small, Stacey Dash, Stephanie Niznik, Tamara Taylor, Tanja Szewczenko, Tanya Allen, Tara Reid, Tinsley Grimes, Tracy Nelson, Tricia O'Kelley, Vanessa Marcil, Wendy Makkena, and Yvonne Caro Caro.  As Robert Palmer might put it they're all "simply irresistible!" I could fly off to "Neverland" if any one of them would care to sprinkle a little of their extraordinary charm my way.                                                               

 

 

 

   For my second category I'm slightly ashamed to mention the innocent naive "baby doll" look.  You feel a little like you're robbing the cradle with this cute bunch of Delectable Honey Pies.  These Divinely Delicate Dainty Deities show a remarkable resilience to the effects of time.  I don't know if it's a genetic trait, hands of a master plastic surgeon, or they found the fountain of youth, in whatever manner some girls maintain a sweet childish face well into adulthood. Temptation abounds in their devastating bright-eyed, scrumptious pouting-lipped innocence that's bound to be too good to be true.  Members of this child-like clubhouse include: Alexandra Day, Amanda Bynes, Amanda Seyfried, Beverly Mitchell, Billie Piper, Brenda Stock, Cachou, Carlee Benoit, Cherrie Roberts, Cristina Cellai, Danielle Fishel, Darion Michaels, Dawson Miller, Debbie Gibson, Desi Lydic, Elizabeth Daily, Elizabeth McGovern, Erica Campbell, Estella Warren, Fanny Cadeo, Gail Porter, Jewel Shepard, Julia Stiles, Justine Bateman, Kelly Monaco, Laura Linney, Lean Bouton, Leilani Dowding, Linda Blair, Linda Cardellini, Lora Belrey, Marieh Delfino, Mercedes Yvette, Natasha Podkuyko, Nicole Lenz, Olivia D' Abo, Phoebe Cates, Pia Zadora, Porta De Rossi, Rachel Stevens, Rebecca Wild, Reese Witherspoon, Rosanna Arquette, Sarah Coomb,, Sonja Martin, Sophi Marceau, Susanne Bormann, Teresa Ann Savoy, Tess Parker, Toni Wynne, Traci Gold, Traci Lords, Vallerie Bertinelli, Vanessa Angel, and Wendy Richards.   I'm reasonably sure none of these Little Lusty Lavishing Lasses are "jailbait" any longer.  If I could I would gladly turn myself into the "Velveteen Rabbit' atop their toy chest.  A playful fun-loving evening with one of the blooming starlets as my valentine would be as close to paradise as I dare get.                                                                </SPAN>                                      

 

 

As The Big Bopper's song, Chantilly Lace, said: "a wiggle in the walk...a giggle in the talk....makes the world go round..."  Bewitching Bountiful Beloved Beauties with undulatory moves all easily qualify for what I refer to as my "big girls with little girl personas" division. Zippy Zany Zesty Zealots in the school of romance.  In my third group of fabulously flirtatious delights I include: Adelina Gnisci, Alana Soares, Alison Sweeny, Amber Evans, Anna Nicole Smith, April Amber Telek, Autumn Jade, Avonte, Azure Dawn, Bernadette Peters, Billie Jones, Carrie Black Pants, Cassandra Peterson, Christine Cavanaugh, Cindy Marques, Clalene Kurtis, Corina Ungureanu, Crystal Beddows, Dani Brehr, Danni Ashe, Debbie Linden, Debra Lee, Dina Waters, Dominique Isserman, Gigi Rice, Heather Jay Jones, Heather Mills, Jamie Strange, Jane Hazlegrove, Jennifer Carter, Jennifer Lyons, Jennifer Tilly, Joey Lauren Adams, Judy Landers, Karyn Parsons, Katie Price, Keyshia Cole, Kim Cole, Kimora Lee Simmons, Linsey Dawn McKenzie, Lisa Nicole Carson, Maya McLaughlin, Meagan Holaway, Megan Mullally, Melanie Lynskey, Michelle Thomas, Miriam Gonzales, Nina Shaw, Nicole Van Croft, Ramona Drews, Rebecca Pauline, Robin Young, Rose Perez, Samantha Fox, Serenity Wilde, Stephanie Heinrich, Tabatha Jordan, Teresa Ganzel, Terri J. Vaughn, Tiffany Towers, Tijuana Bradley, Victoria Jackson, Vilchi, and Zoe Parker. These Marvelously Magnetic Magnificent Madams all make it more than apparent they have no trouble keeping in touch with their inner child.  Their silly shenanigans, outlandish sense of humor, and child-play defy the aging process.  The Embraceably Elated Embellished Elite's laughter flutters through me and sends shivers down my spine.  Don't think for a second that I'm implying they have a lower I.Q.  If you pay close attention the Tantalizingly Tempting Tactile Treats' bubbling effervescent personalities won't distract you from voracious eyes that show signs of an accumulated knowledge you yearn to discover for yourself.  Flawless sublime lips that make your mouth water have a larger vocabulary than you think. Their revered lush and voluptuous bodies can easily mislead you and cut you off at the knees.    I doubt these Gleesome Glorious Grandiose Godivas have any trouble keeping their men young at heart.  The Santa in me would really love to bounce any one of the vixens on my knee. I have little doubt that they all know how to take a man to Nirvana, Utopia, Valhalla, or Xanadu.  No doubt about it, paradise lies in the eyes of the one you love.                                                                                                   

 

 

 In honor of our Nation's celebrated birthday, my forth category highlights the "All-American girl next door." Absolutely Astonishing Acrobatic Angels that spent their teenage years cart wheeling about their yards, playing with the family dog, or playing leapfrog with their siblings.  These Superbly Stimulating Salacious Sweethearts always seem to know where the joy is to be found in life.   In my High School dreams the neighboring houses in my subdivision held national treasures too valuable to ever put a price on.  Their cheerleader's enthusiasm joyously supports you through bright eyes never dimming containing endless energy.  The Pep Squad Captains always seem high on life.  Thinking of them when times are down always serves a superb pick-me-up.  The lucky winners for this group include: Adriana Ferrari, Adrienne Wilkinson, Alessandra Scatena, Amanda Foreman, Amanda Holden, Anna Beatriz Barros, Anneliese Van der Pol, Anthea Massey, Ashley Bashioum, Ashley Scott, Bethany Dillon, Brandon Merrill, Carlee Simon, Caitlin Keats, Chrystee Pharris, Cindy Brown, Clair Forlani, Courtney Hope, Danica McKeller, Danni Minogue, Devon Daniels, Dorian Brown, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Emily Proctor, Emma Willis, Erica Jo, Erica Shaffer, Erin Foster, Evangeline Lilly, Feather Frazier, Felicity Fey, Giannina Facio, Gretha Cavazzoni, Holly Robinson, Holly Willoughby, Honeysuckle Weeks, Jamie Luner, Jama Williamson, Jelena Jensen, Jenna Morasca, Jennifer Aniston, Jenny Powell, Jessica Biel, Jessica Dupphy, Jessica Lucas, Jessica Pare', Joely Richardson, Joss Stone, Kat Foster, Keiko Agena, Kelly Lords, Kelly Shanygne Williams, Kerry McGregor, Kim Fields, Kirsten Vangsness, Kristin Davis, Laetitia Casta, La Laine, Lara Logan, Laura Harring, Laura Prepon, Lelani Dowding,  Linda Vargas, Lisa Bangert,  Luisa Corna, Lois Hamilton, Manuela Arcuri, Mariana Klaveno, Masiela Lusha, Megan Fox, Melissa Yvonne Lewis, Meredith Salenger, Michelle Lombardo, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mischa Barton, Morena Baccarin, Natalie Imbruglia, Natasha Alam,  Nia Long, Nicole DeHuff, Nikki Cox, Paulette Ivory, Peggy Lane O'Rourke, Reagan Gomez-Preston, Rebecca Gayheart, Rhona Mitra, Rosalind Jones, Ryan Conner, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Cox, Saskia Garel, Shanesia Davis Williams, Shannon Elizabeth, Shontelle Pinch, Sofia Vergara, Solange Knowles, Susan Tidk Green, Susan Ward, Tawni Stone, Teri Garr, Teri Hatcher, Toni Pernesky, Traci Lind, Ola Ray, Veronica Vanoza, and Zoe McLellan.  All these jazzy, spectacularly uplifting thrill givers have smiles beaming with the full joie de vivre.  The fireworks in their eyes never go out.  Physically, you may have noticed there's a wider selection because, after all America still is "The Great Melting Pot," even after all the new Homeland Security measures.  I would gladly wear myself out trying to keep up with just one of them.                                                                                                                    

 

 

The fifth golden ring encompasses the "Country Girls."  The proverbial wholesome farmer's daughters dedicated to imaginary daily perverted limerick chores.  As Dr. Hook so eloquently put it: "Baby makes her blue jeans talk," skintight and formfitting, oh baby!   I tend to think of the Mesmerizing Milk Maid Masterpieces in an old-fashioned quaint and picturesque manner.  Usually characterized by dimples, freckles, and fiery red hair the Farmyard Queens make any papa proud.  The Hallowed Homegrown Heavenly Heroines take first prize at any State Fair when it comes to hometown steadfast loyalty. The Hypnotic Huggable Head-lining Housekeepers frequently offer homespun advice that only a fool would ignore.  The Placid Pioneering Passionate Pin-up girls always give you plenty to think about.  In a whirlwind of hyperactivity the homemakers do their chores whirligiging about like ballerinas on a caffeine rush.   The fire in their eyes always brings you back to the cozy warmth of home, sweet home.  The Little Ladies of the Prairie can glance at you quickly from just the corner of their eyes and drop you to your knees instantly.  Amongst the pack I include: Alicia Witt, Almundena Fernandez, Amy Davidson, Anita Jacobson, Annette O'Toole, Ayda Field, Bettie Ballhaus, Bonnie Maree Piesse,  Brandi Nicole Roderick, Bridget Marks, Bridget Wise, Cady Cantrell, Charlie Spradling, Corinna Harney, Crista Nicole, Dolly Parton, Donna Perry, Gabrielle Godin, Heather Carolin, Jackie Torrens, Jane Cover, Jane Horak, Jean Louisa Kelly,, Jean Poremba, Jean Smart, Joy Behrman, Julie Lund, Justine Greiner, Kaitlin Olson, Kate Nowlin, Kerissa Fare, Kerry Katona, Kerry Kenney, Kim McCarthur, Kirsten Dunst, Linda Weismuller, Lindsey Lohan, Louise Barnes, Lucy Brown, Maria Pitillo, Meg Ryan, Meg Tilly, Melanie Griffith, Melinda Messenger, Melissa Gilbert, Melissa Moore, Michelle Hunziker, Paget Brewster, Patricia Arquette, Quinn Koloski, Raylene Richards, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Rhonda Shear, Rosanne Katon, Sabrina Boudot, Samantha Janus, Shannon Lucio, Susie Castillo, Teri Weigel, Tiffany Darwish, Tracy Tweed, and Tylene Buck, Wendy Kaye, Ulrika Jonsson, and Virginia Madsen.  I could easily see my self going hog-wild on a secluded haystack during a barm storming visit up in a loft alone with any one of them.  They all could easily cultivate the Garden of Eden with their soft caressing touch.                                                     

 

 

 Now for the sixth group of Goddesses in my repertoire; the "Tom Boys;" the tough as nails "Jersey Girls" who are soft as kittens on the inside. The Notoriously Naughty and Nasty Nonconformists of the hood that put up a street attitude that warns you had better not cross them, or else.  Often thought of as most likely to have "experimented" in their youth, many of the Juicy Jasmine-scented Joyful Jaguars are branded with tattoos.  Usually I'm opposed to putting graffiti on works of art and there's no denying a beautiful woman's body is certainly that, however, as usual, there's always exceptions.  Freedom of expression has to be admired.  The Scandalously Saucy and Sagacious Spellbinder's lustful piercing eyes can burn right down to your soul.  A devilishly sly grin from them can indicate nasty erotic adventures in your near future.  Their wanton lips whisper my name only in my dreams.  The exceptional models in this years line up include: Adrienne Barbeau, Alba Parietti, Alisen Down, Alyssa Milano, Amy Von, Ana Ortiz, Angelina Jolie, Angell Conwell, Ashton Leigh, Becky Lebeau, Becky Wahlstrom, Bobbi Billard, Bonnie Sommerville, Brandi Brandt, Brandy Taylor, Bridget Hall, Cadie Charles, Christina Cox, Christine Elise, Claire Goose, Cristina Garavaglia, Dagmara Dominczyk, Danielle Burgio, Debbie Gibson, Deborah Caprioglio, Debra Wilson, Denise Van Outen, Donna Michelle, Drea de Matteo, Elan Carter, Faina Vitebsky, Fairuza Balk, Flippa Lagerback, Gabrielle Richens, Geena Davis, Haylie Duff, Heather Wahlquist, Holly Brisley, Holly Dignard, Ivana Milicevic, Jami Gertz, Jana Mitsoula, Jenna Gering, Jillian Johns, Joanna Taylor, Joely Fisher, Joy Williams, Katey Sagal, Kelly Rowland, Kirsty Gallagher, Kristen Johnston, Kristi Curiali, Leeza Gibbons, Lindsay Korman, Lisa Lackey, Lynsey Bartilson, Louise Brill, Louise Nurding, Mariska Hargitay, Michele Lee, Minka Kelly, Molly Price, Monica Keena, Nancy McKeon, Nicolette Hart, Nikki Dial, Nikki M. James, Orfeh,  Pauley Perrett, Quentin Dean, Rebecca Corry, Rebecca Pauline, Rebecka Deruvo, Robin Young, Rosario Dawson, Ryan Templeton, Sandy Rustin, Sharon Leal, Shawnee Smith, Stacy Galina, Stephanie Mahon, Surrane Jones, Tammy Townsend, Taneka Johnson, Tina Jo Bayne, Tori Spelling, Tori Wilson, Tricia Helfer, Valerie Brunitedeschi, Valerie Fields, Xenia Seeberg, and Yamila Diaz Rahi.  I'd love to be the lucky one when one of the Iron Maidens decided to let their guard down to show their feminine side. I freely admit their rambunctious rebellious attitude could intimidate the hell out of me.  Yet, releasing the "Easy Rider" that might be buried deep within would be a truly liberating experience. Sometimes intimidation can be a good thing.                                                                                                                                

 

 

 

Lucky number 7 is composed of the "chipmunk cute."  The incredibly seductive tormentors seldom realize what fantastic power they yield; frequently humble and bubbling with both demure character and exuberant charm, the Bedazzling Bewitching Bighearted Babes that are usually blessed with a generous dose of humor.  Persuasive puppy dog eyes exude the forces that can compel men into getting themselves into considerable trouble.  Amazing puzzling looks of bewilderment are their specialty. I feel the Quintessential Quieter Quaint Quasi-goddesses are the ones most likely to blush when embarrassed as well.  Square-jawed and fuller more rounded- faced "cutie pies" include: Abigal Cruttenden, Adelina Gnisci, Alyson Hannigan, Amy Carlson, Amy Farrington, Anne Dudek, Ashley Jones, Aurelia Dobre, Beatrice Dale, Blair Brown, Bridget Carney, Broooke Dillman, Camille Guaty, Carey Reilly, Carla Perez, Catherine Lloyd Burns, Cherie Johnson, Clea Montville, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Darlene Kurtis, Debbie Ashby, Diana De Garmo, Dina Manoff, Elisabeth Rohm, Elise Neal, Eva LaRue, Fabiana Oliveira, Gail McKenna, Geneva Carr, Georgina Verbaan, Gretchen Wilson, Guerrin Gardner, Hannah Callow, Heather Spytek,  Jakki Degg, Janet Jackson, Jeannette Weegar, Jenna Fischer, Jennifer Aspen, Jennifer Ellison, Jessica Hecht, Jessica Lundy, Joana Vargas, Josefin Van Asdonk, Julia Ford, Julia Lois-Dreyfus, Julie Kevner, Kari Lizer, Karri Turner, Kate Orsini, Katie Layman, Keri Lynn Pratt, Katrina Parish, Kerri Turner, Keri Lynn Pratt, Kim Cattral, Kyra Sedgwick, Lindsey Kraft, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Lori Prince, Lynda Wiesmeier, Mallika Marshall, Mariah Carey, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Megyn Price, Melissa Joan Hart, Melody Thomas Scott, Milly Morris, Minnie Driver, Mo Collins, Molly Hagan, Monica Horan, Nancy Cassaro, Nicki Clyne, Nicole Parker, Nina Siemaszko, Patricia Clarkson, Paula Ann Bland, Rachel True, Raven-Symone, Reagan Dale Neis, Rebecca Hunter, Regan Thompson, Renee Zellwigger, Ruth Arnold, Samatha Robinson, Sarah Hughes, Sarah Chalke, Siobhan Hayes, Sophie Blake, Sophie Guillemin, Sophie Hawkins, Tamala Jones, Tatyana Ali, Tiffany Towers, Tina Majorino, Vicky Botwright, Victoria Rowell, Yeardly Smith, and Zoe Teford.  Despite a typically quiet and peaceful demeanor, the word "spunky" comes to mind when recalling them.   There's something splendid in their secluded yet feisty attitudes that I find "salivatingly" irresistible.  I would attempt to drag a fully loaded Kenworth across a hot bed of coals, barefoot, if it suited their whimsical fancy.  Becoming palsy-walsy with one would be worth the hot foot.                                                                                                                            

 

 

 The eighth category is that of the "Motherly yet Sultry School Marm."  If you prefer not to relive your school days think of them as "Compassionate Nurses;" nightingales with a soft touch that could gently heal a broken heart.  This category is where I tuck away secluded open-minded, talented part-time artisans as well.  Dauntlessly Dedicated Didactic Devotees that have absolutely no problem getting the male students complete and undivided attention. Among the Cherished Apple Earners are: Adriana Russo, Alexandra Tydings, Amelia Marshall, Andie MacDowell, Anita Dark, Barbi Benton, Bonnie Hunt, Brenda Strong, Carol Wayne, Cate Blanchett, Catherine O'Hara, Christine Lahti, Christine Tucci, Colleen Camp, Dana Delany, Darcy Demoss, Debra Cole, Diane Lane, Ewa Sonnet, Fay Masterson, Fay Ripley, Gail O'Grady, Helen Hunt, Ilene Graff, Jamie Lunar, Jemma Redgrave, Jennifer Easton, Julie Graham, Katerina Witt, Kyla Cole, Kylie Ireland, Lee Lee Sobieski, Leslie Easterbrook, Lynda Carter, Marcia Gay Harden, Margaret Welch, Mary Page Keller, Maura Tierney, Megan Gallagher, Melanie Chartoff, Mel Harris, Merrideth Baxter Birney, Merrin Dungey, Nadine Chanz, Nikki Crawford, Pamela Collyer, Peri Gilpin, Phyllis George, Robin Riker, Salena Lockhart, Sela Ward, Suzy Joachim, Teresa May, Teryl Rothery, Tricia Wilds, Ulrika Johnson, Wendy Wanten, Wifey, and Valerie Leon.  The Head of the Class's sympathetic eyes console and comfort their loved ones with a compassionately tender touch.  The Noteworthily Noticeable Nympho yet Noble Nightingales have high-minded principles that have to be to be admired.  You'll sit on the edge of your seat, on pins and needles; hoping those tempting lips will finally ask you a seductive question you're dying to answer.  I'd exchange my teddy bear for discovering what their bedside manners are like.  Oh how I long to be teacher's pet, expulsion never looked so good.                                                                                                                   

 

 

        Ninth in the line up would be the "Sizzling Latinas." You could fry an egg on their hot hips.  Long eyelashes that flutter like sunlight across the water bring the curtain down on deep, dark and mysterious fervid eyes that speak of untold passion. The Lavishly Lush Latin Lovebirds' outstandingly ripe and luscious lips speak of forbidden pleasures.  The Fantastically Fine Femme Fatales' hearts beat to a rapid hip-swinging Salsa Rhythm.  The hot passionate Chicana spirit can be found in: Adrienne Bailon, Alessandra Ramos, Alexandra Barreto, Alexisa More, America Ferrera, Ana Alvarez, Carmen Electra, Cinzia, Constance Marie, Daisy Fuentes, Delilah Cotto, Diana-Maria Riva, Diana R. Lupo, Elizabeth Pena, Elsa Benitez, Eunice Guerra, Eva Mendez, Gabriela Lopez, Gladys Perez, Jana Defi, Jennifer Lopez, Joanna Sanchez, Kamala Lopez, Karen Velez, Kelly Minter, Lisa Vidal, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Maria Conchita Alonzo, Maria Menounos, Maria Swan, Marisol Ramirez, Martha Velez, Nadine Velazquez, Nancy Ticotin, Natalie Estrada, Necole Velasquez, Patricia Martinez, Pia Artesona, Roberta Vasquez, Roma Maffia, Rose Abdoo, Roselyn Sanchez, Salma Hayek, Sara Ramirez, Shonte Saldana, Sofia Milos, Valerie Cruz, Vanessa Ferlito, Venus Terzo, Vivian Dugre, Vivianne Natale, and Wanda De Jesus.  These ladies represent Welcoming Wildly Willful Women that present a feast for the eyes as well as a frolicsome fiesta for the soul. They all are fully capable of extracting the spice out of life.  I'd be willing to risk "Montezuma's Revenge" without hesitation for a late night liaison at the hacienda with any one of them.                                                                  &nbs