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Milestones abound!

This weekend, the Litchfield Fair celebrates its 150th year of down-home fun. Yesterday, I celebrated my third visit to venerable fair. (See also: [09.10.06] Psssst... wanna buy a pig?)

This year, I actually have a decent camera, so here's an updated view of the fair... kickin it 2008 style. No re-runs this time around!

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SIDESHOW FREAKS AND ODDITIES!

One of the first attractions you see upon entering is The Cat House.

Apparently, this is a PT Barnum-style emporium of RARE and completely ALIVE exotic feline creatures that will amaze and delight your entire family. Step right up, and right this way to the egress! Single file, kids.

No, I didn't go inside. I've seen enough horror movies to know this is just a trap. Faster than you can say "shanghaied into illicit sex trade", it's all over. Imagine Trent Reznor as a carnie. There he is.

Moving right along...

I also saw an unusual breed of chicken called a "Frizzle".

They call it Frizzle. I call it Soul Chicken.

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EDUMACATION

Now, just in case the kids aren't quite clear on the relationship between their scrambled eggs and their chicken nuggets...

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ENTERTAINMENT/ QUESTIONABLE MOTIVES

The pedo-wagon is back again this year!

Get in the trailer, kid. I've got candy. Your mom sent me to pick you up. Can you help me find my lost puppy?

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VENDORS

Please peruse our huge variety of trinkets and novelties for your consumption pleasure!

This is the best t-shirt ever made in the history of the world:

I'm still kicking myself for not buying that, although I'd be too afraid to wear it, just out of white-European guilt. But I support the struggle.

Now, this next one. I wanted so badly to ask the guy if the hats were misspelled on purpose: a beautiful irony that would go over the heads of most of his customers, but those three emo kids in the skinny jeans would go wild over it.

Your a real sexie angle, cuttie!
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FOOD

Pre-appetizer: we munched on some popcorn and watched draft horses pulling tons of granite blocks.

Appetizer: we split a "Super Bowl" of fries.

Lunch: I had some tasty jambalaya from a new vendor named "Kajun Kevin". They claimed it was vegetarian, but I suspect some meat traces may have been lurking.

Hidden andouille sausage particles notwithstanding, it was still pretty damn good. The hot sauce made the bridge of my nose sweat.

Kajun Kevin also had home-brewed sodas on tap. Theirs was the best cream soda I've ever had. I tried the root beer too, and it was pretty damn good, too.

Obviously, I didn't need 32 ounces of cream soda. However, I did need the collectible tin mug with the classy Mort Drucker-style artwork:

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NAUGHTY AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS

This impressive squash put the "nut" in "butternut".

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EXHIBITS

Various antique farm machinery sat there for our gawking pleasure.

This lovely thresher/ player piano/ gypsy wagon doohickey fascinated me.

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HUMANS AND ANIMALS WORKING TOGETHER

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker appeared at the fair this year. It was exciting.

The draft horses always impress me with their beauty and strength. The lighting in the arena sucked, so bear with the crappy pictures.

Each one of those granite blocks is 500 pounds. I think they were hauling like 8000 pounds here.

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INNOCENT CHILDREN ABOUT TO LEARN WHERE THE EASTER HAM COMES FROM

Finally, the Pig Scramble: 10 children, 5 piglets, 1 helluva good time.

Here come the piggies.

This little guy was totally a maverick and broke away from his party. I call him "McCain".

The children soon gave chase.

Little McCain valiantly hid in the corner, beneath a pile of hay and tools, but was eventually captured.

Imprisoned in a grain sack, little McCain was treated surprisingly well by his 6-year-old captor.

And that was the fair. The jambalaya digested a little too quickly, in case you needed to know.

11:45 PM

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August 25, 2008 - Monday

[08.24.08] These are the people in my neighborhood
Category: Pets and Animals

The OMOD's pooch, the darling and delightful Moochie McBeggarson, is visiting this weekend.

I took Moochie for a walk, as is customary during her visits. My neighborhood is constantly devolving, offering an endless sense of discovery.

Here are some highlights from our outing:

♦ A little boy stopped short on his bike and injured his young testicles.

♦ A stout, muscular, unleashed pitbull named "Vito"* came out of his backyard, stalking us slowly and deliberately, scaring me half to death.... but ultimately just interested in sniffing Moochie's butt.

♦ I saw more houses for sale than I can count on both hands. At least one "For Sale" sign specifically indicated "FORECLOSURE".

♦ Moochie pooped on somebody's lawn while the homeowner sat on the front porch. Luckily, I'd remembered the poop-removal accessories (paper towels and a plastic bag).

♦ Two elderly women walked an annoying handbag hound that yapped at Moochie continuously for like sixteen blocks.

♦ I prevented Moochie from chowing down on the remains of several dead grackles. They were mashed into the street and sidewalk, their shimmery feathers scattered. Fowl play is suspected.

♦ A young girl (maybe around 10-years-old) yelled at some other girls, "I didn't friggin' lie to you! Now stop actin' like you're better'n me!"

♦ A scrappy little yellow mutt on a second-floor porch barked viciously and threatened to leap to the sidewalk below, just for one chance to devour Moochie.

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* I know this because his mistress shouted "Vito! You get back in this yard right now! Vito!".

4:49 AM

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August 18, 2008 - Monday

[08.17.08] All I need now is a big plaid parachute
Category: Travel and Places

For those of you living vicariously through my blog, I would normally give you permission to just go ahead and kill yourselves by the most efficient methods possible.

Today, however, I have verifiable proof that I actually, like, leave the house and do stuff sometimes.

Live vicariously! Feel the joy that is my life!

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Saturday: The Maine Highland Games.

I went to the Games last year too, and not much has changed.

Satan menaced the true believers.

Huge people performed incredible feats of strength.

Dudes marched around in skirts.

Same festival, different year.

But wait. The potential for violence and mayhem increased dramatically!

In one event, the athlete spins around and flings a fifty-pound iron ball and chain as far as possible. In passing, we wondered, "What would happen if something went wrong? A sweaty palm slips, a sense of timing fails..."

And our questions were miraculously answered with a resounding

"GASP! CLANG! SHRIEK! THUD!"

Spectators scattered like pigeons as an errant cannonball careened towards the crowd and bounced off a trash can.

(Photo taken after everyone returned to their seats.)

That was great fun, and well worth the price of admission.

In other schadenfreude type activities, the hillside where we sat was littered with millions of roly-poly acorns.

If you like the kind of slapstick comedy where the bad guys are thwarted by throwing a crate of marbles on the floor, you would have loved this sideshow.

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Sunday: The Lewiston/Auburn Balloon Festival

Having had no sleep Friday night, and still gotten up at the crack of doom Saturday for the Highland Games, I originally thought watching a sunrise balloon launch on Sunday was out of the question. Still, I set my alarm for WTF o'clock and planned to make a decision in the morning.

I'm glad I decided to go.

We watched a hot air balloon being launched, and I found it very interesting.

I didn't know this, but the balloon is first inflated with a big industrial-sized fan.... and then the rocket launcher/ propane torch is applied, as shown here.

Sweet.

Step right up! Balloon rides to Heaven!

(We'll drop you from 10,000 feet and you'll see Heaven pretty freaking fast.)

Oh no! Godzilla stomps on Lewiston!

Balloons over the Androscoggin River.

I'm not posting the really good pictures, because I have my eye on the $100 Best of Show prize in the photo contest.

Gritty's Brew Pub, my favoritest place in town. Just because.

You know, they could really capitalize on the Balloon Festival. Open up wicked early and serve a special brew-- maybe call it "Sunrise Denial Stout" or "Balloonists Anonymous Lager". How about "You're the One With a Problem Pale Ale"? Anybody?

I've always got great ideas and the entrepreneurial spirit... but never any capital.

Finally, off to Rolly's Diner for breakfast.

The place was packed, and totally high on the festive spirit of the day.

It's a gorgeous day, and summer's almost over. The world is alive, with so many wonderful things to do.

Think I'll take a nap.

7:26 AM

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August 8, 2008 - Friday

[08.07.08] Confidential note to maintenance department
Category: School, College, Greek

Pssssst.

Ladies' room by the liberry.

Somebody smeared poo on the floor in the first stall.

Wasn't me.

12:41 AM

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July 27, 2008 - Sunday

[07.27.08] Seriously time for a media fast
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

A few nights ago, I dreamt that I was in some sort of reality TV cooking competition, like that Hell's Kitchen show*.

As it happened, Alec Baldwin was on my team, and my God he's an unpleasant man.

So Alec Baldwin and I are making gingerbread men.

Intimidated by the stainless steel high-pressure environment, I accidentally drop an entire bowl of cookie dough on the floor.

Baldwin, swearing and sweating profusely, scrapes up the dough (and whatever contaminants were on the floor) with his bare hands.

He puts the dough back in the big metal bowl and clearly intends to use it anyway. Highly unsanitary, and a clear mockery of standard kitchen procedure.

I protest, and he waves me off: "Don't worry about it. I've done worse."

When the gingerbread men come out of the oven, they don't meet Baldwin's high expectations. He throws them down the garbage disposal, one at a time, cursing them out and calling attention to their inexcusable personality flaws.

I don't know who won the competition.

* I do love me some *($* Gordon Ramsay. Not wild about Hell's Kitchen, but really dig Kitchen Nightmares.

4:25 PM

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July 9, 2008 - Wednesday

[07.09.08] American thighs
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Yesterday, it was about three trillion degrees with humidity in the low twelve-thousand percents.

That was just inside the liberry, with the so-called "air conditioning" on.

Even my sweat beads were sweating.

This morning, I decided to take a pro-active stance for once in my life and do something to defeat the oppressive heat.

Today calls for that nice long flowery skirt, made of the soft, lightweight fabric with the really nice drape.

Oh, I feel so feminine, and swirly, and well-ventilated, and ....

Uh-oh.

I forgot all about a little thing called...

(dum-dum-DUM!)

... chub rub.

I'd give away my empire for a strategic sprinkle of baby powder right about now.

7:49 PM

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July 8, 2008 - Tuesday

[07.07.08] Bang.
Category: News and Politics

This past Friday, I fired a gun for the first time.

It was interesting.

Five out of my nine shots hit the target, albeit far from bullseye.

I neither liked nor disliked it.

The barrel of the rifle was hard to hold steady as I aimed.

It wasn't a big deal.

I didn't feel especially "empowered".

4:57 AM

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July 7, 2008 - Monday

[07.06.08] Of all the days to not have my camera with me
Category: Automotive

As I walked out of US Cellular earlier today, I saw something so indescribably awesome that it scared me.

I cursed myself silently for having failed to anticipate this kind of A-material blog fodder.

As I live and breathe, it was a big white pickup truck with a full-color airbrushed portrait of Ozzy across the hood.

<-- Quick google image search will have to do. I'm pretty sure this is the one.

Parked right next to me. As if he knew who would appreciate half a ton of off-road rockin' awesome.

Here in Maine, you see, the odds are overwhelming--, staggeringly-- in favor of Dale Earnhardt being painted on a pick-up truck.

But today, I am proud of this great truck-driving Mainer.

Rock on, sir. Rock on.

Currently listening:
Diary of a Madman
By Ozzy Osbourne
Release date: 2002-04-02

3:24 AM

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June 25, 2008 - Wednesday

[06.24.08] So I guess the South is trying to kill the North again
Category: Food and Restaurants

It was a weak moment. I was parched, and the commercials had gotten me all curious-like, and it was on my way home, and it was only a dollar.

The commercials for McDonald's southern-style "Sweet Tea" have intrigued me. How, exactly, was this stuff different from every other sweetened iced tea in the world?

"Sweet Tea," they call it.

They're not kidding.

They should've called it "Liquid Diabetes".

I took two sips-- one to try it, and the second to verify that what I'd just tasted was physically possible. No discernible tea flavor, and a crunchy, granular sweetness. Like chewing on a mouthful of dollar-store iced tea mix. It made my eyes hurt.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a big sugary fatass. So if I'm saying this stuff is way too sweet, it's way too sweet.

When I got home, I dumped the whole thing (ice and all) into a big pitcher and diluted it with like 32 ounces of water. There. That's better.

The South may indeed rise again... and they'll eat fried-chicken-pickle breakfast sandwiches and drink their tea syrup straight up.

The impending diabetic coma should slow them down long enough for us Yanks to get all hopped up on Dunkin Donuts iced tea and whoop some ass.

6:00 AM

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June 11, 2008 - Wednesday

[06.11.08] Is "Ivory Tower" a phallic symbol?
Category: School, College, Greek

I spent all afternoon yesterday on a liberry project. I had to pore over lists of scholarly journals in our medical research databases, checking for publications we might be accidentally double-subscribed to.

Conclusion: Academia is a steaming cesspool of smut. Or maybe I just read too much into things.

Nevertheless, I present to you an impressive array of actual publication titles for your enjoyment.

SCHOLARLY PORN
(Something for everyone!)

Journal of Mammary Gland Biology

Journal of Sexual Aggression

Journal of Mammalian Biology

Kentucky Nurse

Heat and Mass Transfer

HOMO: Journal of Comparative Human Biology

Hormones & Behavior

International Bulletin of Missionary Research

International Journal of Heat and Fluid Flow

Internation Journal of Pressure Vessels and Piping

California Nurse

Journal of Lower Genital Tract Disease

Journal of Interpersonal Violence

Chinese Annals of Mathematics

Computers and Fluids

New Jersey Nurse

Shock and Vibration Digest

Stroke

Animal Behavior

Artificial Organs

Asian Affairs

Black Collegian

Archives of Oral Biology

Breast Journal

Aboriginal Nurse

Geriaction

Plastic Surgical Nursing

Nursing Older People

12:00 PM

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June 8, 2008 - Sunday

[06.08.08] (Not to be confused with warm)
Category: Food and Restaurants

OVERHEARD WHILE WALKING PAST THE STARBUCKS DRIVE-THRU

".... and could I get a cup of water that is half hot and half cold?"

10:30 PM

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June 6, 2008 - Friday

[06.06.08] Is it pronounced "HOM-midge" or "oh-MAZH"?
Category: Blogging

Inspired by the brilliant Indexed and the incomparable GraphJam, I bring you this graphical representation of what my life has become.

Old Age or the Apocalypse: Your Choice

3:30 PM

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June 5, 2008 - Thursday

[06.05.08] Airbrush on, Garth!
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I saw this on the front page of Myspace just now.

Ummmm... Dana Carvey impersonating Laura Bush impersonating Dana Carvey?

9:21 PM

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