Just a little note that I added a finetune player to my profile. It is also in my new blog at Blogger. It showcases all of my most favorite music and my new favorites as I discover them. Now no one in the world will not know how weird and horrible my music taste is!

So far, my new blog hasn't been much better of a sucess than this one. But I'm going to keep it where it is. You can see it at Blogger. Go! Now! Comment!

All of my blog posts have been transferred to Blogger. This blog ends. All my new postings will be at the new blog. I'll be working on Catagorizing my old entries on Blogger and editing the times of entries, etc. But all the posts are there and ready to see in the correct chronological order. Goodbye MySpace, errors, and the MySpace Technical Group.

I don't know why I hadn't done it in the past... maybe I was too afraid of what I'd see... but I went to read Mike's blog today. He is definately i love with Nate, his new boyfriend. I suppose that's a good thing. I just hope Nate is treating him right. He writes about Nate's family. He talks about how wonderful it is to be around a family that cares about him. I think he felt as though he was missing that in his family. He's had a rough family life. I hope he finds peace.

He also mentions the time when he stopped talking to me. He wasn't very direct about it, but it seemed as though I was an obstical to his peace of mind. I understand that fully. The breakup was bitter and I was jealous. I regret to no end that I couldn't have been less bitter about the whole thing. I could have done so many things differently. I was so caught up in the moment and the pain that I couldn't see what I was doing to him. What a fool I was!

He mentions that Nate helped him to make the decision. I'm sure Nate meant to make things easier for Mike. But I'm still angry with Nate for interfereing. It wasn't his place to come between Mike and I. I know his heart was in the right place, but to tell Mike to Abandon me completely was wrong. Now I may never hear from Mike again. That hurts me every day.

Reading the blog was extremely painful for me. But reading it and not being able to talk to Mike about it was worse. I tried to post a comment or two. All were positive and not bitter. I think Mike has to approve them for them to appear. I'm sure that it's unlikely he will, but I had to try. I miss him. I wish to God he'd speak to me.

No new word on James. I've found that no news is bad news in James' case. Whenever he could, James would write me. Even a comment in my blog. He hasn't. That can't be good.

After reading Mike's blog, I find myself a bit sad. I want so badly to make things right between us. I know it may never happen, especially with Mike not talking to me. But it's the one major regret I have in my life right now. It haunts me. Worse than my separation from Chris. It haunts me....

Remember that my most recent posts will be posted on Blogger from now on. I will stop posting here soon. Go take a look.

Just so everyone knows, I've started making any new blog entries in my new Blogger page. You should go there for the newest information on me while I continue to fill it out with my older entries. Check out the latest here!

I've been working hard to move my blog to Blogger. I'm moving absolutely EVERYTHING! Right now, I'm working on combining three things in this blog... old diary entries dating back to 1997!!! An old blog I kept on Livejournal dating back to 2004! And Finally, All of my posts I've made here so dar, complete with comments and links. So far, I've finished the old diary entries and the old blog. Now I've begun work on my Myspace blog. Take a look at the link above. It'll be a blast from the past you'll love! PLUS I've added entries to the blog that have never seen the light of day before! These old entries from my LiveJournal blog were locked before and only three people including myself have ever seen them! It'll give you new insight into the "Chris" time period in my life. go to Blogger!

Yup. This might be it. I've had next to zero comments on my blog in several months so I'm thinking about ending it. No point in writing to the world if no one is listening. SO, if there are no objections, this may be my last post here (or next to last). Don't wanna see me go? Write me something.

Goodness help me....

Talk about a blast from the past... I was hopping around the internet today and I came across one of my favorite cartoons from childhood. No, not ThunderCats... No, not Heman... Yup, Rainbow Brite.  (How my parents didn't know I was gay then and there, I'll never know...)

Anyway, my favorite charecter from the show was Buddy Blue. I always seemed to relate to him. Same calm demeanor, same gentle warmth as myself. So I've added a picture of him to my profile. To commemorate this, I've temporarily changed my profile music. Ahhhh... memories....

Success!

Last Fri/Sat I went to go see Adam up in New Era. Finally I had some personal time with the guy! Although Adam is still frustrating and very reserved, I'm confident that I've broken through at least his outer defenses.

He was more open with me than ever before. He was very open to displays of affection. He explained to me that he understood me, but I still have to prove myself to him. If he didn't make me prove myself, he'd be being unfair to others he's seen before. He expressed a few of his pains and joys with me. He further explained some of his belief system and values.

As always, I was extremely open with him. And although extracting information from Adam is like pulling teeth, I think I was able to ask mostely all the right questions. I'm hoping to see Adam again on the 20th. That is a day we should both have off together. I really really hope to make some more progress then.

I should be sleeping. I should go lay down. Comment for me people, I need the love.

I hate where I am in life right now. I've been having anxiety attacks again. I've kept them under wraps in day to day life. The last three days I've been having a dream about a new ex a day. Yesterday, it was Chris. The day before, it was Mike. Both were very bitter sweet. I woke up crying.

In Mike's dream, we were good friends again. We were walking through the state park by his house and swimming. I was very happy... until I woke up. I'm sure anyone who reads this can remember having a dream where they were so happy because they had gotten something unattainable in real life in their dream, and thought it was real. Then woke up and realised it was all a fiction, a manifestation of their longing, and their heart broke. My heart is broken.

I've been casually meeting just about anyone who is interested in me lately. Friends, aquaintances, people I just met. But nothing seems to distract me from the pain. Especially when my damned subconscious decides it wants to bring all the burning pain in the back of my mind front and center.

I'm a broken man. And nothing short of a miricle is going to make me whole again. Every day  is sadness and regret. A blank future and a past that burns with pain. I've found myself in the arms of a lover at least once since Mike went away... but it does nothing for me.

I told myself I would let people come to me. They have. Some have honestly been nearly head over heels for me. But my fears have been confirmed. I can't let them in. I don't love them. I don't even hold the hope that they will like me for long. I don't even really see them as friends. If they went away, I wouldn't cry. If they dissapeared, it'd be ok. It's so wrong. It's so not me...

I know I should be connecting. I should feel something. Heck, I should at least rebound with one of these people, but I don't. I remember a person I met when Chris left. I met him at Ivan's. He was a 19 year old guy. He came over, we talked about our lives and fears and hopes. We connected immediately. I had great hopes for him. I liked him alot. He told me then that he liked me alot too.

Then my luck set in. After he left after our first meeting, he sent me an email and told me that he nearly fell in love with me and that scared him. He was fighting with his sexual orientation and was looking to faith to help him. He wouldn't see me again. He gushed on what a great person I was, then told me goodbye. Just my luck...

I'd really like that to happen again. Minus the sad ending. I want to fall in love again. But with this huge shield around my heart, how will I do it? The only person I hold very much hope in right now is Adam, the guy I met through Ron. But even that hope is tempered. He refuses to commit to anything at the moment and won't even say if he'd date me if he could. His situation is far too complicated to write here, but he is the one I want. But he is also the one that would be the most work to get to. And even then, there is no guarentee I'll get anywhere. What if he decides against me? Then what?