I've spent a lot of time writing. right now I'm about a quarter through the first re-write of a novel, something that has eaten up hour after hour of my days, and I can't shake the feeling that it is roughly similar to buying a lottery ticket and my odds of the novel finding success are probably worse than me winning $150K friday night in the multi-state lottery.

How much of life is just a crap shoot? Over the past three years I have lost two grandparents, an uncle, been in two car accidents, my dad was in a motorcycle accident and have buried two family pets who had been around for 15 years a piece. Friends and family meet with varying degrees of success in life and I can't say that their successes and failures are necessarily related in any real way to the amount of work or effort they put into life. In fact, in most cases, it seems like the exact opposite happens. I know people who work themselves into the ground and have never gotten the reward they deserve.

It makes it feel like life is a big lottery at times. I've often heard Kevin Smith interviewed where he says that he's won the lottery of life. That largely through sheer luck and chance, Clerks became a massive hit and he has went on to have a hugely successful career. Which of course  isn't saying that success isn't entirely independent of effort. If Kevin Smith never makes Clerks he never becomes the director that he is. Just as if I never finish my novel, I stand no chance of being published. But the point is that the vast vast majority of people do the equivilant of finishing a novel or filming clerks with their day-to-day lives. They get up, go to work, do pretty much everything they are supposed to do and scrape by. And it's really through no fault of their own. Life just broke that way for them.

Whether buying a ticket or writing a novel or going to school, it feels like it's all just one big lottery.

and the truth behind having guns for "personal protection" have been displayed clearly over the past week. First, the "gun toting soccer mom" found herself on the wrong-side of a murder-suicide with her husband and now a man in Florida shot and killed his fiancee thinking she was an intruder. I've never been big on the whole second amendment thing. I don't really have anything against hunters, people owning shotguns and what not; I'm a country kid at heart and it's something that seems pretty normal to me.

But the whole assault rifle/handgun thing has always seem nuts to me. And the statistics for gun violence in the home going through the roof for people owning such handguns has always backed me up. People always preface their arguments for owning handguns/uzis/whatever with a phrase along the lines of "it's up to the person owning them to be responsible with them." Which is true. But it's stupid to not admit that the sheer likelihood of a weapon being used in your home goes up the moment you bring said weapon into your own home. And, most likely, it's going to be used on either yourself or someone you care about. Having a gun nearby doesn't necessarily make you any safer than not owning a gun. If you're worried about your home, install better locks/doors/windows and get a security system. You'll not only be safer but the new windows and doors will probably provide better insulation against the weather and lower your heating and cooling costs.

For the first time this fall, especially since the weather turned cold, we have heat in the apartment. It's amazing how much something such as warmth can affect day to day life. This may sound obvious, that being cold isn't enjoyable, but it goes beyond just enjoyment. You might say just put on a sweater and socks, to bundle up a bit, and make the best of it. And we have. But it's not the same as having an actual warmth spreading from room to room.

Entire moods change. I don't knnow whether the radiators are warming the apartment as much as I think they are, but the whole place just seems warmer and more comfortable. I can wear a tshirt and not find myself huddling up a bit to conserve warmth. My mood is better.

I also find it easier to sit at the computer and work. I feel less distracted and don't have the constant need to get up and wander around a bit, something I realize now was likely because it was pretty cold and I was unconsciously trying to stay warm. Now that I am warm, I can just sit here and write. It's rather nice.

too long in front of microsoft word and too much coffee has left me feeling a bit wonky right now. though I'm also about to go and make another pot of coffee. Breakfast blend this time. today has been a day of in-depth revision of works of fiction and it frying what's left of my mind. On the bright side, when all of this is over, I will have completely detached myself from reality.  I look forward to my future waking fantasy reality.

Alright, still not looking forward to the dentist appointment Monday and found out earlier that they waived the credit requirement for some workshop so next weekend is going to be a pain in the ass, too, as we try to find a way to drop the kid off in toledo, get kate in cleveland for her workshop (insert rolling eye smilie here), have me in michigan to go to a Tigers game Saturday night (now sans kate) and then pick up the kid again on sunday since it's doubtful that the Ex will meet me to drop the kid off.

and the kid has chosen to sit at the table for three hours tonight rather than just eat a fucking hamburger. On the plus side, the apartment's been quiet and this has been the most productive night with him around that I've had in a long time. On the bad side, he also didn't work on any of his homework packet (and these things are fucking ridiculous folks-more homework for the parents than the kids) because he has been, you guessed it, sitting at the table in front of a plate of cut up hamburger.

well, i get to spend my yom kippur in a dentist chair. i had a filling come out earlier this month (or maybe last month) and am finally going to get fixed up. which means the tooth will probably get yanked because the filling seems to have taken a good chunk of tooth along with it. With any luck, the dentist will be good at the whole "numb your tooth" part and I won't feel a thing. Or he'll be like the majority of dentists I've been to and it'll be a grisly unbearabless of blood and spit and bone. Yay.

finally saw the Zemeckis movie and it wasn't that bad. was it cheesy? yes. Did it break wildly from the story at times? Yes. Do I care? Not particularly. In its own way, Zemeckis's film has a more enjoyable plot than the original story, also. While the original was really a series of events displaying the heroics of Beowulf and the lack of heroes in the (then)modern world, Zemeckis plots together a story with fewer loose ends. tying Beowulf to Hrothgar through Grendel's mother, stripping away a bit of the heroism of Beowulf, and giving Beowulf some faults, while not stealing him of his heroic attributes, makes for a more interesting character.

But I don't think there is a need to read that much into the film. It's an action flick that turns a fun look back on its nature.