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Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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Come
see me do a panel with fellow Los Angeles YA authors Saturday, Feb.
13th at 3pm at the LAX Marriott! The six of us write books that have--
gasp!-- ZERO vampires, werewolves, or zombies! They are, in fact--
gasp!-- about HUMANS! Which, in these monstery YA times, seems kind of
rare. I mean, it's probably not that rare, in fact, several names
besides us have just popped into my head, several kickass names in fact, but
whatever, the point is, we're the ones doing this darn panel, so come
see us. :) Afterwards we're signing books! And after that, we'll go
to Denny's and then to one of those super classy strip clubs near the
airport! Just kidding about that last part. OR AM I? (Hint: I am.)
Official panel description below!
No
vamps, no werewolves, no zombies, oh my! What are writers of
books about good old-fashioned humans to do these days? Plenty!
Hear a panel of Los Angeles YA authors talk about the engaging
characters in their books.
Authors include:
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Monday, February 08, 2010
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Read it here or read it at http://jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/
Kell on Earth
CC: So of course I was gonna watch this because the brief moments I saw Kelly Cutrone on-- what was it, The Hills? The City? Both?-- were fascinating. You know, on account of the whole "I work in fashion but somehow look TERRIBLE" thing, plus the "huge bitch" thing. Both those things were in operation in the first episode of this show, with the addition of the "I have a kid so I also have a softer side" angle that nobody cares about, but the major issue here? The first episode's entire drama was based around...dun dun DUN...a list not printing. That was the cliffhanger. A PRINTING issue. An issue with the PRINTER. Yeah, I realize it was a seating chart for a fashion show that was about to happen in like two seconds, but it was still about...printing. It was a TECH SUPPORT problem. And I ask you...WHO THE FUCK CARES? (Another reason I may not be watching this show much longer is because I'm into the fashion aspect of it, and let's face it, since it's fashion PR and not fashion itself, there's a lot less design talk and a lot more just watching how an office runs. Which, who cares. We all know how an office runs. I wanna see goddamn clothes.)
JB: Stop saying exactly what I wanted to say before I have the chance to say it because now I have nothing to say about this! Except: with Kelly Cutrone as with crystal meth, small doses are advisable. Kel clearly has some personal vanity otherwise she wouldn't have been in so many scenes with her gravel-voiced assistant Gay The Impaler. Also, one of her interchangeable associates racked up a first episode "It Is What It Is" score of 3. You work in FASHION, dumbass! Saying It Is What It Is is like me calling something the new black. Which It Is What It Is is not.
Shear Genius
JB: Another post-Runway Bravo competition that should...that almost... that never really worked...wait, what? Jonathan Antin is now a judge? Okay, for me, Steve Carrell is the star of the SECOND American adaptation of The Office. Blow Out was the first. J. Antin didn't just raise the bar in terms of tragically insecure, delusional, petulant, arrogant, oblivious Idiot Bosses, he gave it an asymmetrical bob. The Flipping Out guy supplanted him in recent years but I'm delighted to see that he's A) back and B) still an insufferable prick. Potentially delightful new host, too, in Brazilian model and McConnaughey babymama( and contact high beneficiary) Camila Alves. Best of all, the challenge was to arrange hair so it covered up topless runway models' boobs. Bravo: the new home of side titty and exposed nipple!
The Inbetweeners
JB: CBS' s censor didn't chop up Eminem/Lil Wayne's Grammy performance anywhere near as brutally as BBC America hacked the profanities out of this week's episode. Sample dialogue: "F*** F***F***!" Surviving almost intact, though, was a running gag that...I'm not demanding it's immediate induction into the Hall Of Fame or anything but I'm not a big laugher(since the accident) and I keep going back to this and it keeps raising a smile. Three of the quartet of horny hopeless Brit dorks discover one of their number has a secret friend of which they knew nothing. Hilarity ensues! Here's the whole thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_2elQKdA_I
:)))))))))))))))))
America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Canadians, yes (check Lil C's twitter for proof that he agrees with me). Jump rope crew...no. Just no. Stop with the gimmicks; I was already over it with BreakSkate. What's next, fucking hula hoops? Shit, it's probably fucking hula hoops. 
Project Runway
CC: Eh. I will fully admit to model snobbery bitchtasticness and say that I do not like when they get "regular women" to come in and be the models. It generally doesn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers can't deal. And oh look, it didn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers couldn't deal. Georgina Chapman has INSANE bone structure, by the way.
JB: And is the wife of the show's producer Harvey Weinstein who has HIDEOUS flesh structure.
Models of the Runway
CC: With the sad parting of Sophia the Crazy Asian (Crazian) Bitch, now all we have left is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome "Whatever, That's Just How I'm Playing the Game" Bitch, a much more boring, run-of-the-mill variety. By the way, this isn't Survivor, and you're not playing a game; you're a prop and it's the other people who are playing. Jesus. I like Poor Man's Marisa Miller, by the way. I actually like her better than Real Marisa Miller.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Hilarious sex scene of week: that gladiator with hair like a cabbage patch kid had to bone some random chick while Lucy Lawless and a bunch of other people watched and Dumb Blonde Lady acted like she never saw people having sex in a room right in front of her face before, which I would generally believe except that all evidence on this show has so far pointed to EVERYONE HAVING ALREADY SEEN THIS BEFORE.
JB: Remember I was saying how cheap the last episodes of Dollhouse were? This was SO MUCH CHEAPER. The behind-thehelmet POV during Spartacus' big beatdown was hilarious.
Life Unexpected
JB: This week, Beer Pong Dad's father turned out to be distant and withholding which...*click*
SNL
CC: An open and hearty thank you to whoever came up with "What is Burn Notice?" Also, I always love seeing Dave Grohl on drums.
JB: So, a few weeks ago I was watching Aziz Ansari's Comedy Central special and I usually find stand-up a bit of a grind but this was really really funny. Then he got into the bit about his chubby cousin who is so clueless about pop culture that he watches the USA network. In fact, he's so dumb he thinks Burn Notice is a good show. Right there, I felt that whole they're-not-laughing-with-you-they're-laughing-at-you chill that I haven't experienced in, oh, months. Because I've seen Burn Notice and kind of enjoyed it. Now SNL ,and apparently I"M THE ASSHOLE. Well, I'm going to come out and admit to not only watching but liking Burn Notice.And not in a guilty pleasure way either. It's a good 80s style action hour. And those are hard to get right( see Human Target for an example of a bad 80s style action hour) I'll go further: I've seen far more entertaining episodes of Burn Notice than I have of SNL, especially this season! And White Collar's underrated, too! Probably. *clears throat,looks sheepish* Look, I'm not starting some breakaway TV Club Tea Party here, I just think there's more deserving shows to shit on. And after all that, I do actually gave something of value to say about SNL. Best thing, BY FAR: Samberg's fantastic Rahm Emmanel. Where did they put it? Second to last. Where did they put it the last time he did it? On the website! Didn't even make the show! Ridiculous. Would never happen on Burn Notice....
Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: Giada, you get a pass this week. It was snack foods, and she waxed poetic about the bar nuts at Union Square Cafe, which are roasted and covered in butter and spices and brown sugar and rosemary and who knows what else, and you know what, they looked fucking great, so applause to you, my bobbleheaded booby friend.
Friday Night Lights
JB: Penultimate episode was right up my street.(Did I mention I live on Bleak Street?) Misery infests Dillon. The Lions forced to play on the Panther field. Mrs. Coach forced to draft a mea culpa to appease the town's rabid right-to-lifers or lose her job. The Riggins boys enjoy a split-second of happiness before the chop shop shenanigans comes back to bite them. Landry left out in the cold as Jess tries to stop Vince seeking revenge on the guy who killed his bug-eyed friend. Vince has a Big Wall-Punching Crazy Drama scene where he screams "I am a monster! That's what I am. I am that guy!" This show is not equipped for multiple happy endings so next week;s gonna be hard on us all.
CC: What he said. But maybe I'll try and pick out some lighter moments...the toothpicks on the field, hilarious...Coach asking Julie to go easy on Mrs. Coach and then her agreeing and cooking a lame veggie dinner and Coach wanted to know where the meat was...Landry's reaction to the crowd noise playlist and then his reaction to his friends' reaction...no, fuck it, the Riggins boys are in jail, we're all fucked here.
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Monday, February 01, 2010
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Read it here or read it at the blog of a Scot! http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/
Dollhouse
JB: Okay, this may have been fan fiction paid for by breaking into a change jar but, in many ways, it was more satisfying than either the Buffy or Angel finales. The six of us watching got what we wanted. Topher fixed the world he broke. DeWitt got a garden to look look after. Sierra and the Beyond Thunderdome Victor had a cute kid and wound up more or less together. Dushku got to salvage her battered reputation with that big post-Ballard breakdown scene. The thing with Echo downloading him was a fittingly romantic climax until you thought about it for more than three seconds. Then weird. And the abrupt way Fox cut the last seconds of the final scene was perfect. It was like they were saying "Happy now, geeks? You got to see your little show through to the end. Now fuck off." I can't think of another example of a more ill-conceived idea that made it harder to be a fan that so completely turned itself around. I'll miss it.
CC: Almost cried. Joss does tend to nail his last episodes, doesn't he? Loved Alpha suddenly being good. Agreed on Dushku's breakdown scene. Loved that shit with the little jump drives around people's necks. Bye, Dollhouse! Looking forward to seeing whatever all these people are gonna do next (I kind of stalk the Whedonverse). Unless it's V. Morena Baccarin and Alan Tudyk? Couldn't save V.
JB: Hello NBC. Can I suggest the services of my client Olivia Williams for your sure-to-be-shitty remake of Prime Suspect. She won't save it sucking but she'll add a little class.
American Idol
JB: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Which is to say, I may have spearheaded the massively successful Send Katy Perry A Turd And Win A Pen campaign but I respect her urge to smack Kara around.
Project Runway
JB: The Salem witch trials displayed more mercy and compassion than Ping Wu received during this episode. She got the Crazy Lady edit. She got the Headless Chicken edit. Her challenge partner got the Patience Of A Saint edit even as he was miming punching her face. Even her model grabbed the chance to shank Ping Wu in the kidney during an `Et tu, model?' moment that would have earned anyone else a `know your role and shut your mouth' rebuke.(See the Models Of The Runway fate of Sophia who committed the cardinal sin of being `difficult') Now that she's gone, I'm thinking the brittle and devious Mila Heramanovski (or, as I like to call her, Old Bob. The super-hot Maya Luz being Young Bob) will rise as the embodiment of evil. That second challenge, by the way? Knock off a cheap copy of your rivals' designs. Did that make any sense? I've got a feeling that might have been a No-One Realized The Producer Was Joking moment.
CC: Aaaaand we're back to train wrecks. Whatever that thing was where the cheap version looked BETTER than the expensive version and either way they were both boring black minidress/vest things? Ugh. Once again, the judges were on drugs (WHY did they think that weird...black and white...circle...suit...stripey pants thing...WHY was that good?). And with the loss of BOTH Ping and then Sophia off Models this week, they killed my fantasy crazy-asian-off in one fell swoop! Awww.
Models Of The Runway
JB: First Ping, then Sophia! It wasn't an Asian-off, it was an Asian-auf! (In the unlikely event I ever get an audio book, I'm hiring that Irish girl to do the reading. That voice. Like a light shower on a spring day. Imagine her reading that.)
The Inbetweeners
JB: I've already seen both seasons of this semi-likeable attempt at a UK American Pie.( I wonder if they ever thought of calling it Shepherd's Pie? Very funny joke.) BBC America just started showing it and I wanted to see the first episode to find out how much of the non-stop sweariness survived. Fuck, obviously, is a no-no. Shit is a yes. So is wanker. So is bollocks. So is vag. Cock is a negative. So is dick. You may ask how you can have bollocks without cock and dick but that is for smarter minds than mine. (Whedonverse connection: Anthony Head's daughter is the love interest)
Life Unexpected
JB: I think my heart shrunk two sizes during this. Second episodes are notoriously disappointing but what we were served up here was particularly desperate. New mom's radio station force her to read a statement denying she's got a daughter. Orphan's rag-tag crew of fellow orphans feel threatened and jealous of her new home. I didn't tear up once. Well, maybe once. But it was right at the end. (One thing rang true, though. The bit where Beer Pong Dad was being criticized for being irresponsible because he broke his smoke alarm rather than change the battery. I've done that twice in the last month.)
CC: Yeah, I had a problem with how NOT rag-taggy the rag-tag crew was. I know this is the CW and they have to cast pretty people and whatever, but seriously, those street kids were about as street as Jason Street (old school FNL shoutout!). By the way, I own that black and gray flannel dress the one girl was holding up in that one scene, so apparently Lux and I both shop at Urban Outfitters. This probably says more about me than it does about her, being as how she's a fictional teenager whereas I am a nonfictional grown woman who apparently wears the same clothes as a fictional teenager.
Friday Night Lights
JB: The Matt Saracen Broken Silver Cup Of Suffering And Pain was officially passed down to Luke Cafferty this week. (Along with a Chicago cameo from Zach Gilford to confirm that, yes, our boy is still miserable). Like ripples from a pebble, Luke spread unhappiness across Dillon. He kept quiet about his injury but was so insistent on playing, he developed an addiction to Oxycontin. His temporary impregnation of Becky turned his mother into an avenging angel who might end up costing Tami her job and making her a local pariah. Quick question about the underwritten Landry/Jess/Vince triangle. It may seem that Landry is Jess's fun high school fling while Vince, always one step away a life of crime, is the one she really understands. I know the writers want us to forget this but LANDRY KILLED SOMEONE.
CC: LOL. Good lord, he did, didn't he. I think we *all* wanna forget that season. I'm super mad at Luke's mom, by the way. Don't fuck with Mrs. Coach!
Caprica
JB: Syfy might be missing an opportunity to expand this show's reach beyond the disgruntled BSG hardcore. I'm not sure enough people are aware that Caprica is about a teenage girl who wakes up inside the body of a huge clanking robot. Doesn't every teenage girl have at least a moment when they feel exactly like that? Come on, YA community! Why didn't any of us think of it? (Actually,there might be hundreds of robot chick titles out there. I'm way too depressed to go anywhere near the Barnes & Noble Young Adult section) The audience that Syfy isn't courting would also flip out over the way the girl/inside robot predicament is visualized. One second you see techies welding and hammering away at a giant hunk of metal, the next they're doing the same thing to a 15 year-old girl (or, to be exact, avatar/ essence of girl hybrid). And when the girl reaches out to her best friend for a comforting hug, you see these big giant girders stretching out. I'm telling you. Syfy, sell the robot girl to teens and they'll stay for the religious allegories or, at least, they'll fast forward through them like me. (Also, Jason Street, mentioned above, showed up this week as part of Polly Walker's weirdo group marriage)
America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Eh. So far.
JB: The good news: they replaced Shane Spolanski ( though Hok should have got the full-time gig over Omarion who starts at a disadvantage with me because his new record is called Ollusion) The bad news: Jay Z didn't destroy Lil Mama's career.
Vampire Diaries
CC: Is EVERYONE on this show a vampire? Apparently yes. I was kind of delighted to see Sean Faris, by the way, although I have no idea why because I had to imdb him to see what I knew him from. I hope Nina Dobrev is stocking up on the sunscreen, because those costume designers are obsessed with putting her in super low-cut tank tops. They always casual it up by throwing a jacket over it, but giant swathes of her skin are still out, and I fear for her chestal area in a couple of years if this keeps up.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Okay, I have no idea what is going on in this show because let me give you a short example of what is going on in this show: Lucy Lawless and her husband are walking around their old-timey roman house or whatever, being followed by servants, having some sort of convo about, like, the weather and, I dunno, roman politics, who fucking knows, I couldn't pay attention because then they go to their bedroom and their servants start undressing them and you figure they're going to go to sleep, but then Mr. Lawless gets naked and one of the servant girls starts blowing him and then they cut back to Lucy Lawless and she's getting fingered by another servant girl and then she and Mr. Lawless fuck in front of the servants and the entire time, I'm pretty sure they're still talking about roman politics or whatever, but I couldn't really pay attention because I was too busy yelling "WHAT?!" at the screen, and then oh yeah, in the next scene, Spartacus is hanging with a bunch of other gladiator dudes and everyone's dick is out. If you want male full frontal nudity, this is your show. If you want to hear someone swear by saying "Jupiter's cock!" this is your show. Even if you want neither of those things, this is still your show, because THIS SHOW IS HILARIOUS AND I WILL WATCH EVERY EPISODE.
JB: The gladiator boss enjoying manual relief from his slave? Glasgow's own John Hannah. The first ex-Dollhouse employee to find gainful employment? The guy who co-wrote the finale and most of the best of this season. He's this show's script editor.
Jersey Shore "Before the Shore"
CC: Everyone catch this special with footage from their casting videos? It was pretty much what you'd expect, with one glaring exception: Sammi. Her pre-show footage was much more traditionally guidette, in line with Snooki's and JWoww's and Angelina's, in the sense that it was all about her showing off how she gets ready to go out to the club, you know, here's my makeup, here's my skanky outfits, here's my hair extensions, everyone thinks I'm hot, they call me Sweetheart but I'm really a bitch, blah blah, I'm lookin' fine and I'm taking all the other girls down, oh my god, Jersey Shore, you aren't even ready for the hotness that is me. And then she actually gets there and becomes that sullen, surly, glasses-wearing, I'm-gonna-date-Ronnie-but-pick-random-fights-with-him-every-five-seconds-don't-you-dare-call-me-Flintstone-toe drama queen. It's kind of fascinating. No wait, it's TOTALLY FASCINATING.
SNL
CC: Jon Hamm is fucking funny. End of story. Also, I kind of love that he's not particularly buff under that suit. Wait, no, I totally love it. Jon Hamm for president of the universe!
JB: I could have watched 90 minutes of Jon Hamm playing Don Draper in hilarious TV situations. I could have watched about one more minute of Hamm and Buble.
And here is a review of She's So Money! Thanks, Liz! See the name of the blog? Liz thinks you should read this book! 
http://booksithinkyoushouldread.blogspot.com/2010/01/shes-so-money.html
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Monday, January 25, 2010
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And here I thought we were in the winter doldrums of TV, but looks like there's more to watch than ever! Read here or at http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/ and now, ONTO THE MADNESS!
Project Runway
CC: I loved this challenge! Almost everything was cute. You know, except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. But other than that, there were so many things I would totally wear! Except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. Plus, we got some boob pixelation. That's always fun. We also got Ping Wu's Asstravaganza.
JB: Ping Wu is on some Bai Ling I-am-merely-visiting-your-
world-your-ways-are-strange-and-frightening-to-me bullshit. Potato party?
Models of the Runway
CC: Is it me or is the model apartment decorated with those giant stickers that come in $20 packs that you just slap up on the wall like girly versions of fatheads? Way to spend some money, Lifetime. I kind of love the divide growing between the younger models who are so psyched to be there and the older ones who are just over it already. I also kind of love that Sophia is a total bitch while having the world's most enviable skin. If she and Ping ever get into a crazy-asian-off, I will tell you right now that it will be my favorite episode. (For proof that this could actually occur, please check Sophia's week 1 video blog on the Lifetime website wherein she expresses disdain for Ping's weird "do a dance on the catwalk" request, which I agree is totally wtf unless you're Coco Rocha from whoever's runway that was however many years ago that was.) And of all people it had to be the girl with the fucked up knee? Poor Elizaveta! Hope you heal up good; we hardly knew ye but you seemed super sweet.
JB: Team Dinosaur! I like when models don't even attempt to hide their complete contempt for modeling (Exhibit A: Elyse Sewell, still in my Reality Show Hall Of Fame). Watching Sophia, to me, is like looking in a mirror (except for the many ways in which it isn't). Refuses to mingle. Doesn't like to smile. Has to be told to speak. I haven't experienced such an emotional connection to a TV show contestant since Kenley. Quote of the night : "Our personalities are very black and white"- Crazy Eyes Alexis on her relief she wasn't paired with gay, black cliche Anthony.
American Idol
JB: Hard to choose the best performance from these auditions. Was it `I've got asthma' or `My son's autistic' or "One side of my face is frozen' or "I blew the Hollywood auditions last year' or "My dad left home' or 'I did four years hard time for robbing a bank with a BB gun"? Listen, you whining bitches, remember David Cook? Winner from a few seasons ago? Specialist in non-exciting guitar-based rock-like music? David Cook's brother had brain cancer. HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT. Even, in one of Idol's most disgraceful moments, when Seacrest basically begged him to.
Worse than the wall-to-wall sob stories? Kara's `look at me, look me' meets Kristin Chenoweth's 'how adorable am I?' and forms a Vortex of Shit.
Friday Night Lights
JB: I'm guessing you haven't watched this yet, so spoilers begin in:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Seriously was not expecting that. I think Becky is the first character to go through with an abortion on a (semi) network show in over thirty years. I've given Madison Burge shit in previous weeks but she sold the shit out of her big scene with Tami where she went through her options and then came to the realization that she couldn't raise a child. I've given the character of Tami Taylor even more shit for being a saint but Connie Britton really shone: you could see `what if it was my daughter? what if it had been me?' questions forming in her eyes. And, in an unexpected Dillon/Whedonverse crossover, our ever-increasing series on excellent real-life coupes flying under the radar continues with Adrianne Palicki and Alan Tudyk.
Life Unexpected
JB: Here's me ten minutes into the Gilmore Girls pilot back in 1987 or whenever it was: "Fuck this shit." Here's me six years later:" Damn you for making me belatedly like you, show! Now I've got to Netflix six seasons worth of sledgehammer cuteness, obscure pop culture references and Jewish WASP envy." So I'm not about to make that mistake with Life Unexpected which is a total old-time WB snark'n'sob show with an old-time WB cast. True to form, my flesh literally crawled off my body for the first half-hour. Hated the slacker douche (tm CC) and the commitment-phobe morning DJ who reunite when the product of their one and only highschool hookup returns to haunt them in the form of a snotty, judgemental orphan who needs their signatures so she can emancipate herself from the family who, justifiably, loathe her. Then the second half-hour...the slacker douche and the orphan bond over You Tube videos of lions and pandas. The morning DJ and the orphan cancel out each other's more objectionable qualities...I'm going to say that A) I'm a sap and B) I liked this enough to watch again. btw, the orphan is played by an actress called Britt Robertson. I noticed another girl called Britt in the cast. Is Britt suddenly The New Name the way Aubrey became The New Name a few years ago?
CC: Same. It was very much "oh, this might be too sappy for my busted, cynical, rather-be-watching-Chuck-Bass-do-something-assholic heart," and then at other moments I was like "fuck, I'm gonna end up getting sucked into this." Like, I'm simultaneously unsold and yet half-sold on everything that happened. I *will* say that bar owner and morning radio talk show host are fake jobs, like architect and greeting card writer. I even KNOW people who've actually held those jobs but they are still fake jobs.
Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: This week they talked about cheese. Which, being asian, I didn't really grow up stuffing my face with, so this was not my fave episode ever. Some of the closeup shots of bubbling, oily melted cheese were actually kinda gross. And Giada went with another LA restaurant that made me instantly suspicious because she opened with a schpiel about the chef telling her it was his grandma's recipe and how she was totally sold as soon as he said that, which, great, but I mean, just cuz a guy owns a restaurant and uses his grandma's lasagna recipe doesn't *guarantee* it's good, because what if his grandma sucked at cooking? She probably didn't because the restaurant's still in business, but maybe wait to taste the thing first before you prematurely go all nuts over it, right, Giada? Just a thought. Thanks for buttoning up your shirt pretty high though.
JB: If Giada says the grandma's recipe is good, it's good. End of. She's kind of like the perfect woman to me. It's not just the boobs (although a little bit). I find her to be very aspirational. I just bought quinoa from Whole Foods on her say-so. It tastes like the inside of a cushion. But if Giada says it's good, it's good.
Caprica
JB: As unnecessary prequels go, this was better than Dumber and Dumberer, Hannibal Rising and The Phantom Menace put together(although I'd like to see them out together). Lots of big ideas being tossed around about religion and terrorism and science and the spiritual and moral decline of a society numbed by mindless entertainment. But what resonated with me the most? In the future, they have PAPER COMPUTERS! You can just crumple them up and shove them in your pocket. My desire for the iPad or whatever it's called? Decreased.
Celebrity Rehab
JB: Mackenzie Phillips and Mindy McCready are sharing a room. They get into the addict dick-measuring thing of "What's the drunkest you've ever been?". Mindy McCready is like "One time I got so drunk..." Mid-sentence, she freezes. She starts shaking and drooling. Mackenzie Phillips screams with laughter":That's so true. That's what it's like!" Mindy McCready tumbles on to the floor and goes into violent convulsions. Mackenzie Phillips is clapping her hands and howling "Yes!" Mindy McCready keeps twitching and shuddering. Mackenzie Phillips yuks it up for at least another minute before she realizes her room-mate is having a seizure. If Mackenzie Phillips could so radically misinterpret a situation, maybe her father was just looking for his keys...
CC: I don't even watch this show but I feel like I just did. Thank you, JB. Thank you.
Jersey Shore
CC: Please note that 29 minutes in, The Situation totally picked up his drink with his pinkie finger sticking way the fuck out. I don't even know what to do with that. I did know what to do with his hot tub makeout session with Snooki, which was use my hand to intermittently cover parts of the screen, lest I go blind, not unlike when you stare at a solar eclipse (you think you can do it, but no, you can't do it). The reunion show was awesome, by the way. I am CLINGING to the hope (and assumption) that Sammi and Ronnie had a big fight after the show and then promptly made up again, as is their m.o. They BETTER have. My heart will break if they didn't. By the way...now that the season's over...NOW WHAT? WHAT ARE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MTV? GODDAMMIT! YOU CREATED US, NOW YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US! Seriously. Life will never be the same. Thursday nights shone a whole lot brighter for a few too-short weeks, and now? They just got a whole lot darker. *sob*
JB: That scene with Snooki doing her I-don't-need-men-I'll-dance-on-the-boardwalk-by-myself thing: absolutely tragic. Had I any technical know-how, I would re-score it with `Everybody Hurts' or `Mad World' to bring out the pathos. I'm a little split on the reunion show. I enjoyed the waves of resentment radiating off Angelina but the Sammi/Ronnie meltdown had some of the stink of that scripted Speidi bullshit about it. I don't doubt very second of Jersey Shore is artfully choreographed and edited but the reason it's a quillion times better than The Hills is that it never comes off that way. It always seem like the insanity is unfolding in front of us like a rare and precious flower. When the Latina autocue-bot said `we have some unaired footage' and Sammi froze up, I don't know, I had a suspension of disbelief problem. But, yes, big hole in our lives.
Pit Boss
JB: Did I ever tell you about my reality show idea? Haunted Cake Shop. It's obviously going to be very popular because the cable schedules are filled to bursting with shows about cakes and shows about ghosts, so. Someone at Animal Planet is obviously thinking along the same lines: What else is popular? Lost dogs and little people. So let's do a show about Shortywood productions: a real-life pit-bull rescue service entirely owned and operated by dwarves. I guess they ran into legal problems and couldn't go with the obvious title Little People, Big Dogs. Pit Boss isn't nearly as good but the show itself is everything you could imagine-- company boss Shorty Rossi lives on a boat, has a body covered in prison tats, smokes a cigar and wears a pork pie hat-- and more.
Spartacus: Blood & Sand
JB: I'm not saying two jacked-up 15 year-olds who thought 300 was way too slow and arty made this on their MacBook Pro. But that's how it seems. CGI blood and fake boobs are squirting and bouncing all over the place. Naked gladiators scream `Die, Thracian cunt!' as they dismember each other. There's multiple decapitations. There's multiple dearmitations and delegitations. There's even multiple deSTUMPitations. I'm not sure what I just watched but...*picks up remote control, presses Record Series*
CC: Fuck me. I need to get Starz.
So UK Think You Can Dance
JB: Tyce Diorio+ hopelessly weeping judges=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS1u5HKPcMM
CC: Oh no. Not again. And albino guy is no Ade. Come on. Really? Blah. By the way, if you watch the other videos to the right, please note the hilariously lame freeze the guy does at one point in the hip-hop routine. I thought the contemporary with the raggedy blue outfits was cute though. And while we're on the subject of this show, I totally met Travis Wall last night. I am trying very hard to write this in a chill manner even though my heart is going "SQUEEEEE!!!!" He was super, super nice. That is all I'm going to say. Please note heart goes squee but fingers are typing chill. BUT HEART GOES SQUEEEE. Stopping now before this turns into eight pages of ecstatically rehashing everything he has ever done, ever, cuz I could do it. But I won't subject you to it. Squee.
US Figure Skating Exhibition Show (oh yeah, i'm going there)
CC: Well, Belbin & Agosto are no Mark & Chelsie, but if you set some dance-ish thing to Bleeding Love, will I watch it and enjoy it? Yes. Odds are, yes. Also, that little 10-year-old asian kid who did Peter & the Wolf and is throwing down at the 2018 Olympics is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Fuck your older hockey-playing brothers, Nathan, you just keep doing what you're doing! Mirai Nagasu wuz robbed during the competition, by the way. And Johnny Weir was the Adam Lambert of ice skating before Adam Lambert even existed. Bless his Lady Gaga heart...and face paint...and sparkly silver gloves...and designer sunglasses collection...and oh yeah he apparently has his own reality show.
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010
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That's right, TV Club is back and mirrored for your reading pleasure at http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/ 
American Idol
JB:I can't stand Kara. She's
like your friend's loud friend who you don't really know but who is so
insecure about not being part of the conversation or missing private
jokes that she shouts over everyone all the time in a desperate attempt
to ensure attention is always on her. Plus she really displayed her
judgey credentials when she stared into Posh's dead dead eyes and said,
"I like you. You have nice energy." I've heard a million times from a
million different sources about Posh's deliciously dry sense of humor.
Never comes across. Apart from that bit when she said "I know what it's
like to sing your heart out".The entire first episode had such a low
sob story/ freak show to actual talent ratio that they might as well
have shoved a Countdown To X-Factor clock at the bottom of the screen.
And then the next day in Atlanta was...one of the best audition
episodes in Idol history! It had Pants on The Floor! It had Meth Face
Bridge Jumper! It had Guitar Girl! It had the Fuck You guy who wouldn't
stop singing! It had Mary J Blige! Always keep the camera on Mary,
she's hilarious! Sometime in, like, 2013, after Idol has been
steamrolled by X-Factor--which it will be: Paula Abdul will rise like a
prescription-medicated Dark Phoenix-- they ought to snap her up as a
full-time judge.
CC:
I'm out. Well, unless someone tells me that the second coming of Kelly
Clarkson has arrived. And I might watch Hollywood week if I remember,
because group meltdowns are always hilarious. Otherwise, Ellen + Kara
- Simon (cuz you know he ain't gonna be there nearly as much) =
*deprograms DVR*
Chuck
JB: If
there's one character who needs his own Angelus-like evil alter ago,
it's this guy. I barely have a thimbleful of testosterone to my name
and I think he's a giant pussy.
Jersey Shore JB:
Have you noticed how you can't hear someone say the words `the
situation' without immediately thinking about...well, you know. And at
totally inappropriate times: "The situation in Haiti is horrifying."
It's been appropriated. The Situation is the new Gay! Highlight this
week was Snooki saying to the guy she thought owned a farm: "You look
at me, you think I'm like a stuck-up bitch. Vetenarian, that's my zone.
I save animals, that's what I do. I've been with goats sheep cows
horses. I delivered a freakin' calf from a cow." I know Snookin For
Love is probably a done deal but if anyone at Animal Planet has their
eye on the ball, make Guidette Vet happen! Lowlight:
WHY did the Israeli girl have to turn out to be a stalker? I had zero
sympathy for outraged Italians who complain they're being shown in a
demeaning light but when she showed up on the boardwalk with that I
Heart Jewish Girls t-shirt and the klezmer music started blaring in the
background, I was straight on the phone to the Anti-Defamation League.
CC: Okay, obviously Ron-Ron is a nice guy and a
sweetheart and he was provoked and it was self-defense, but...I know
people who've been punched like that, and you can DIE if that happens
to you, so it's kind of like, well, yeah, of course they had to take
him to jail. Other than that, as usual, all points are obvious, so let
me take this time to tip ye olde cap to the GENIUSES of editing that are putting this all together. Because
they *are* geniuses, no less. Repeatedly cutting to the other people
eating as Pauly D was talking to Israeli stalker? That whole sequence
with Snooki dragging that guy upstairs and being barely coherent and
then the Situation leaving with his girl and the girl falling down?
Classic. There is no denser show, entertainment-wise, minute by
minute, than this. By the way, I would be happy to live my
whole life the way Sammi was living that argument amongst the four
guys, just rolled up in a blanket and chiming in every once in a while
and then re-rolling back to the side.
Friday Night Lights JB:
Didn't care about much that happened this week. Becky getting knocked
by Luke might have mattered more if we'd seen them together longer than
six seconds. Julie getting over Saracen with the Habitat for Humanity
guy. Turning on the lights at Carroll Park. Less than compelling. BUT: This
episode also featured maybe the most memorable moment in FNL history.
When Glen cornered Coach Taylor and delivered his cringey confession
about locking lips with Tami? Kyle Chandler's reaction? WAS
INCREDIBLE! He went from manic headscratching to disbelieving laughter
to extreme discomfort to veiled threats in a matter of seconds. If I
knew how such things were done, I'd loop that scene and make it my
avatar.
CC: Less than compelling? Apparently I could not disagree more.
Because oh my god. OH MY GOD. I can't even...like, this show will
have one week, like last week, where it's clear they're just sort of
setting stuff up, and then BOOM! THIS WEEK! Holy shit. Julie hooking
up with Habitat for Humanity guy? What?! (What's with the
near-albinos lately, by the way? I'm referring to SUKTYCD, which, now
that I've typed it out as an acronym, is hilarious.) What's-her-face
being pregnant? What? GLEN TELLING COACH HE KISSED MRS. COACH WHAT
ARE YOU AN IDIOT GLEN OH MY GOD, GLEN, GLEN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
GLEN! And Coach's reaction in the moment, and even better, Mrs.
Coach's reaction to his bringing it up later, and the way that whole
scene between them played out, and the later scenes, all that TRUST
that's evident between those two? My god. Marriage porn at its
FINEST. ITS FINEST! Don't even get me started on Coach asking that
kid to come play for him next year, or how much I want barbecue after
any scene involving Ray's Bar-B-Q, or Buddy Garrity fucking the lesbian
mayor before she was lesbian (WHAT! WHAT! AND WHAT, AGAIN!) Gold. I
know, I know, I say this practically every week, but pure gold. It's
the little moments, too, like Riggins just repeatedly pounding on the
door and saying he could do it all day. ARGH. Everyone responsible
for this show should be killed and their brains sucked out and studied.
Dollhouse JB:
Ah, poetic comeuppance for Boyd. Which didn't really have much impact
because we didn't have enough time with him revealed as the Big Bad to
root for his poetic downfall. The last few weeks have seen some pretty
exciting and believable fight sequences. The big showdown between Echo
and Saunders/ Clyde was...not one of them. Also, Echo outruns an
oncoming wall of fire and not even Topher snarks about it? Loved the
reprise of Enver Gjokaj's Greatest Hit and can sources confirm that he
and Dechen Lichman are an actual couple?
CC: The thing I love about Joss Whedon shows is that the fight scenes
are just so aggressively "here come the body doubles!" that you can't
help but just sit back and enjoy the whole spectacle of it and marvel
when particularly egregious shots of "okay, that was clearly a
different guy" or "Sarah Michelle Gellar's biceps do *not* look like
that" happen. Kinda the same thing here-- loved the shot of Echo doing
whatever that, like, "jump up with my one leg bent back while I totally
wreck Amy Acker" move was. Also, that Boyd ending was perfect. Also,
Dichen Lachman totally tweeted that Enver was with her in Australia for
New Year's, so I choose to believe that they indeed may be together in
real life, which would be AWESOME. Victor/Sierra almost rivals
Coach/Mrs. Coach. Yeah, I said it.
Being Human JB:
The American version of this highly Whedonesque BBC show about a
vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who set up house together and try to
live normal lives, debuts on Syfy, I think, this summer. The acting
won't be as good. The writing might not veer quite as drastically from
the mundane --the vampire arguing with the werewolf about who ate the
last chocolate filling biscuit with the squishy orange filling-- to the
apocalyptic. But the US version might have a few more pennies spent on
it. There were two werewolf transformations in the first ep of Season 2
last week. If the previous season is anything to go by, that's the
entire werewolf budget used up.
SNL JB:
That opening sketch was the best thing people who work at NBC could
come up with? This Laser Cats confirms my belief that Samberg & Co
should not try to get another feature off the ground. They should do a
Kentucky Fried Movie-type collection of shorts. I'd go! Was that Abby
Elliott doing Meryl Streep? (The three new girls are interchangeable)If
so, I say: more, please! And nice going, The Ting Tings,
summoning up that amount of energy for the same songs they've been
playing for something like three years. CC: I liked Hot Rod. *shrug* Yep, that was Abby Elliott. I
particularly enjoyed the thing where she was describing Meryl's
clothes, because I swear, if I read the words "chunky necklace" in one
more fashion magazine, I'm going to crush somebody's skull with a
chunky necklace.
CC: Within the first five seconds you already
knew this was gonna be better than the entirety of last season. I felt
like I was on drugs during judging-- I thought for SURE they were gonna
send that asian fob chick home, because she's clearly insane and they were
giving her the insanity edit, but then they LIKED her...smock? She basically sent a snuggie down the runway! What? Oh
well. And you know black gay guy ain't going anywhere for a while, one
word out of his mouth alone was more entertaining than all of last
season's soundbites put together, if last season even had any
soundbites, which I don't think it did.
JB: You know what really saved Ping Woo? Nicole Richie, looking like she'd just come back from scaring someone to death in The Grudge, saying "I would wear that." And wearing if not that, something sacklike she could burrow inside.
Models of the Runway
CC: That bitchy runway model coach was
hilarious. They should send her to Jersey Shore and watch her head
explode as she tries to make heads or tails of Snooks drunkenly
platform-heeling down the boardwalk. I would watch both Snookin for
Love and Guidette Vet, by the way. Bigtime.
JB: Loved the model class clown who piped up "I've walked four thousand five hundred and one shows!" Her life must be an endless procession of blank looks and "I don't get it"s. Also, excellent example of model-upmanship with the two musically inclined girls. Before one of them could even begin strumming, the other launched into a fully composed and arranged quirky indie chick-type composition. And, lest we forget, there's a white witch in the model house which, if it isn't a sitcom on the CW by the time I've finished typing this then...I don't even know. I don't even know.
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Monday, January 11, 2010
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As always, TV Club is mirrored for your reading enjoyment at http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/
Jersey Shore from 2 eps ago
CC: Well, not the most epic ep ever, but it did contain Ron-Ron's priceless wisdom about sending someone a picture of his dick and some gum and "chew on this," which I think is advice for the ages that we should all put to use when the situation, not be confused with The Situation, calls for it. Unless The Situation calls for it as well, because we should all probably do whatever The Situation tells us to do, lest it escalate into a situation.
JB: Pauly D's customized Italian flag Technics gear had me beating up the beat.
Jersey Shore latest ep
CC: Some points are obvious: Flintstone toe, zoo creatures, the utter ridiculousness of anybody, EVER, trying to pick a fight with Ron-Ron because what the fuck do you think is gonna happen, do you think you're gonna win that thing, cuz you're not. So I would like to focus on a more subtle issue: what the hell is up with Danny? That's their boss/landlord's name, right? Is he a real guy? Is he an actor they hired for the show? What IS that? I don't understand it. Does he work for MTV? He can't *actually* own that store, can he? Somebody please explain before my head explodes.
JB: "Gym. Tanning. Laundry. That's how they make the guido."
"Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?"
"You don't even look Italian!"
"I didn't want to bring home any zoo creatures, these broads probably smelled the food at the house."
The Boardwalk Brawl! Ron-Ron & Sammi continues to be the greatest love story ever told (or, at least, better than Leap Year). Vinny's never-ending family. Vinny being freaked-out that The Situation's sister--The Sisuation!!!-- has his face. The Grenade & The Hippo! Once again, The Situation gets no ass. I'm exhausted. (No vacation respite either: when I was home, The Times of London was covering the show. International ramifications!)
SNL
CC: Eh. Except for that digital short. I pretty much loved that digital short. I actually kind of TOTALLY loved Alicia Keys in it. Side note: saw her perform during a WGA strike rally a few years back. It was pretty cool, but HOW MUCH COOLER WOULD IT HAVE BEEN HAD EMPIRE STATE OF MIND EXISTED AT THE TIME?!! I also truly enjoy watching Kenan crack up the other dudes in the scared straight sketch (I feel like it never used to happen and now it *always* happens), and wonder how bruised up they get because the manhandling actually looks pretty violent.
JB: Don;t know much about Charles Barkley. Don't know how Lorne Michaels was persuaded to deviate from his only-trending-hosts-familart to tweens host booking policy. Don't care that he had the cue cards stapled to his eyeballs. Don't care that he cracked up. Very watchable guy. Did Kenan look different to you. Lost some weight in the face? Work done? Hmm... Triple-pronged Keys triumph. That first Prince-song-in-every-way-
except-actually-being-a Prince-song was damn good. Co-sign on the digital short. And that New York song? Still gets me. I remember she played for the striking writers but I think I might have given up my picket line duties at that point. They involved three things I have problems with: Outside, Other People and Slogan Chanting.
Friday Night Lights
JB: I'm sure Jesse Plemons is happy to be in steady employment during these times of economic uncertainty but, seriously, has a character ever been fucked with as repeatedly and ineptly as Landry? Forget Season 2, just tell me: why is he still playing football? He wasn't when the show started. He was the misfit outsider in the sports-obsessed small town. That was a great part. People--ie:me--related to that part. But now Tyra's gone, Saracen's gone, he's at a different school. He shouldn't still be playing. He's not even good. I barely know what sport is and I recognize he's no good. The girl who plays Becky isn't much of an actress so she's probably crazy into Riggins in real life. Best part of this week: Buddy Garrity as radio color man.
CC: Aaaaa! I haven't seen this yet. I made sure not to read what you wrote, lest spoilers. *runs away*
Celebrity Rehab
JB: This is the Ocean's Eleven of vomit-spattered washed-up celebrities confronting repressed child abuse memory shows. Dennis Rodman! Heidi Fleiss! Tom Sizemore! Someone from Alice In Chains whose attempt at shooting up through his buttock went hideously awry. Kari Ann Peniche, from Sex Rehab aka the worst person in the entire world. She's like a skanky-hot Hitler. She's Hotler! Mindy McCready aka country's Courtney Love. Plus an ex ANTM-er and an ex-Real World-er. Dr Drew's probably fluffing up pillows for Snooki and The Situation.
Worst Cooks In America
JB: Finally, a reality show I would totally go on. These fish cakes I tried to make last week, I swear it's like I'm caught in the aftermath of a car wreck, I just keep playing it over and over in my head: "What went wrong? It was so simple, two eggs, tin of salmon, chop up some onion... I can still taste it. The horror." The cast on this Food Network show seemed to be on my level of incompetence. But their first task was to make bok choi. There would have been bed-shitting if someone had told me to make bok choi. And yet, at least half of these so-called kitchen retards performed with flying colors. I smell a fix. Or at least I would, if I still had my sense of smell.
Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: While we're on the food network, I'd like to take some time to register a rare complaint about this show, which mostly rocks because it's just a bunch of people waxing super-poetic about things they like to eat and then showing those things in beautiful HD, which, I mean, I'll fucking look at an HD blueberry pancake all goddamn day, but this latest episode was about hometown favorites, and BULLSHIT, because Giada DeLaurentiis claims that Umami Burger is her hometown favorite, which is ridiculous because a) she basically said she's not from LA, so why is she picking an LA joint and b) Umami Burger has been open for five seconds. Ergo, there is no way this can be the comfort food from her childhood. Case closed. Take your sweaterboobs and get the hell off my-- wait, I just found out she's married to a guy who designs for Anthropologie. I LOVE ANTHROPOLOGIE. I take back everything I said.
JB: Todd. His name's Todd. Her lovely daughter is Jade. Her Aunt Raffi who occasionally shows up and undermines Giada for going to culinary school rather than sweating over the family stove produced Blue Velvet, Manhunter and Dune. I'm kind of into Giada...
Dollhouse
CC: Uh...wow. I don't think I'm smart enough to fully grasp everything that went on here, but I'm certainly yelly enough to have yelled at the TV during all the yell-at-the-TV moments, of which there were many. Boyd and Amy Acker? Amy Acker blowing off Summer Glau's head? BOYD AT THE END? Crrraziness. Also, and obviously this has been done about zillion times in a zillion ways by a zillion shows/movies/whatever, but I don't care, that thing with Topher gesturing behind Bennett as Olivia Williams was talking and then doing that lame sort of pointing maneuver made me laugh.
JB: Bennet! Fuck! What? Saunders! Fuck! What? Boyd!! Fuck!! What?? My two new favorite words in the English language: end date. I'm no hardcore Lost fan but if it's final season even approaches this level of insanity, I'll be satisfied.
So UK Think You Can Dance (not actually called that)
JB: I didn't think I could sit through more auditions, more choreography, more boot camp, more cuts, more tears, more hugs and the final, nail-biting selection of the finalists but luckily the BBC version did it all in ONE WEEK! The first couple of the Top 14 was kicked out this week which means there's only five shows left. Normally I love short British seasons as much as I love end dates but getting to know people is sometimes tough in the three-month US version, it's impossible in this one. From what I could tell from the blur of dreamers desperate to give their all, this is a really not-great selection culled from a not very big pool. Here's probably the best couple. Don't expect Russell and Kathyrn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWc88fh1WUY&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=DCBCA5EAF1FB2037
CC: Wow. I bet that girl is pissed they made her dance with an albino. By the way, if anybody had issues with the choreographers giving Jakob non sequitur jetes all the time, wait till you get a load of this guy doing a backflip for no reason in the middle of a foxtrot. Jesus. I don't get this channel so this is the first I'm seeing of any of this show, so give me a minute while I watch the other youtubes on the sidebar. *watches* Yeah, okay, nobody is allowed to do "Why" except for Ivan and Allison. This just makes me long for the ridonkulousness that is SYTYCD Canada, where the hip hop numbers mean balls and vaginas being grabbed, and Blake McGrath made some kid lick a girl's thigh-high boot and then stripped her to her bra and panties.
Also, if you are gonna be at the CATE conference, which you probably aren't unless you're an English teacher from California, but IF YOU ARE, come check out the panel I'm doing on Feb. 13th at 3pm at the LAX Marriott! As good a reason as any to be at the LAX Marriott!
No vamps, no
werewolves, no zombies, oh my! What are
writers of books about good old-fashioned humans to do these days? Plenty! Hear a panel of Los Angeles YA authors talk
about the engaging characters in their books.
Authors (and their books) include:
- Cherry
Cheva (She's So Money, DupliKate)
- Amy
Goldman Koss (The Girls, Strike Two, How I Saved Hanukkah, The Ashwater
Experiment, The Cheat, Gossip Times Three, The Trouble With Zinny Weston,
Stranger in Dadland, Smoke Screen, Stolen Words, Poison Ivy, Side
Effects)
- Blake
Nelson (Girl, New Rules Of High School, Rock Star Superstar, Prom
Anonymous, Paranoid Park, Gender Blender, They Came From Below, Destroy
All Cars)
- Andrew
Smith (Ghost Medicine, In The Path Of Falling Objects)
- Carol
Tanzman (The Shadow Place)
- Sonya
Sones (What
My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know, One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother
Dies, What My Mother Doesn't Know, Stop Pretending)
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Thursday, December 31, 2009
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First of all, for being the best hometown ever in the
history of hometowns. And also because...that
book signing was AWESOME!
Seriously. We sold out of
books! That's crazy! THANK YOU SO MUCH to each and every person who
made it out on a cold winter's night, and to Nicola's Books, and a super special thank you to ROCK
STAR LIBRARIAN Vicki for masterminding the operation, and to Matt and Tom for
the tech genius and groovy podcast beforehand! And once again, to all the people who showed up. It was standing room only! Eeeeek!
I'm not exactly Public Speaking McGee, and this was my first ever event
where it was just me and no other writers, so I didn't really know what to
expect. But everyone had great questions
(there was a line at the microphone!) and I just hope I was able to answer them
without getting too rambly or nonsensical (sometimes brain says one thing and mouth
says something else, right, people? who's with me? i bet drunk people are with me, not that i was drunk at this thing). But seriously, I was SO PSYCHED that everyone
enjoyed the Family Guy clips, and so happy the show has so many local fans, and
again, completely floored that so many people came! Woohoo!
I hope everyone is enjoying their new books as I trundle back to the land
of NO SNOW! Aww, no snow. :( Rats. *blows kisses to Michigan*
Also, here's a new review of DUPLIKATE! Thank you Kelsey!
http://thebookscout.blogspot.com/2009/12/duplikate-review.html
HAPPY NEW YEAR! 
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Monday, December 28, 2009
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It's at 7pm at the downtown branch of the Ann Arbor District Library! Be there or be a person who did not get to see:
a) me talking about Family Guy! I will endeavor to be informative and make sense!
b) me talking about She's So Money and DupliKate! Same as above!
c) whoever the lucky people are who win the copy of DUPLIKATE and the
DVD OF FAMILY GUY VOLUME 7, that's right, you heard me, it's a free
raffle and you get to enter just by showing up!
d) clips of a Family Guy animatic and a sneak preview of an upcoming episode!
e) people I have planted in the audience to ask questions like "So when
you were in high school and you orchestrated a cheating ring like Maya
did in She's So Money..." then I cut them off and go "Oh, actually I
didn't do that in high school" and they say "Oh HO, but you DID, which
I know for a fact because I went to high school with you!" and then I
think to myself "Wow, wait a minute, this is not going how I planned,"
and then they say "Ha HA, your silence speaks VOLUMES!" and then I
think "Oh my god, this just got way out of control," and then they yell
at me "CHEATER!" and then I stammer "Uh, hey, what's that? Robert
Pattinson?" and point off to the side, and when they look, I scamper
away. Or something.
Yeah, so, stuff like that will probably happen at this SCINTILLATING EVENT FOR THE AGES, so BE THERE! :D More info here!
http://www.aadl.org/events/blog
Also, thank you to Cindy for this lovely review of DUPLIKATE!
http://www.princessbookie.com/2009/12/duplikate-by-cherry-cheva.html
And if you missed the chat I did at the inkpop forums but wanna see
what happened, check out the link below! Hint: tried desperately to
type fast enough to answer people's questions in the allotted time,
totally failed and went overtime, hopefully answered people's questions
to their satisfaction anyway, nursed gnarled fingers.
http://inkpop.com/forums/threads/1002/how-to-write-dynamite-dialogue-with-cherry-cheva-12-19-09-at-4-p-m-est-/
And finally...CONTESTS! There are currently 3 places you can win
DupliKate (4 if you count my aforementioned book signing!). The 3
interwebs-y ones are:
http://www.thestorysiren.com/2009/12/contest-duplikate.html
http://thepageflipper.blogspot.com/2009/12/prize-pack-contest-winners.html
http://the-bookologist.blogspot.com/2009/12/contest-pre-order-putnam.html
GOOD TIMES!
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Monday, December 21, 2009
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In the immortal words of my colleague @jbpeevish (http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/), TV Club would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse:
So You Think You Can Dance
CC: HOLY. SHIT. THAT WAS RIVETING. I'm typing this right after the very end of the very last show. Which was CCCRRAAAZZZZYYY. Way to bring the dramz, live television! OK, backtracking now to the performance show, which was the best finale in years! It ranged from damn good to *awesome*. LOVED Ellenore in that Fosse-ish broadway thing (that girl had herself a NIGHT-- she kicked ass in that weirdo robot jazz thing as well). LOVED Russell in that angel-y thing with Ashleigh. Jakob was just ridiculously, effortlessly great as usual; LOVED him and Kathryn dancing to that fucking Family Ties song, of all things. And good lord, if that Ryan/Ashleigh number by Travis did not practically kill me-- Ryan cried, Ashleigh cried, I cried-- well, no, I didn't, but I was close. I WAS FUCKING CLOSE! Aaaaa! And Russell KILLED that last hip-hop. Great finale. GREAT FINALE! And then, the results show? HOLY SHIT! Russell hurting his leg and limping on stage and everything getting all fucked up and them having to run old clips cuz he couldn't dance, and then him WINNING? And his REACTION? Gold. Television gold. SO HAPPY FOR HIM! I hope his leg is okay. Cuz you KNOW when he won that the adrenaline just fucking took over so hopefully, whatever was wrong with it, he didn't make it worse in those few minutes. His girlfriend's a lucky fucking woman, by the way. YAY, RUSSELL! RUSSELL WINNING FTW! :DDDDDDDDD
JB: What she said but substitute Vicodin for adrenaline. Let's think about that Tuesday show for a minute. Six dancers instead of four. One hour instead of two. No solos. No special all-boy or all-girl routines. No video packages. Despite that, it was fantastic and so memorable that two of the dances turned up in the next night's Greatest Hits of The Season. And they both featured Kathryn who rose like a hot phoenix over the last few weeks. Russell's arc was like something out of a movie. Lythgoe relentlessly sells him as the krumper from the wrong side of B'more who overcomes the odds and then at the last minute he's struck down by a freak injury but limps to victory. Incredible end to what started as a shakey series. Which presents my double citizenship viewing ass with a dilemma. I'm on record as saying they came back too soon after summer but SYTYCD-UK premieres on the BBC in three weeks. With Lythgoe, with Cat, with Mia Michaels and, apparently, Victoria Beckham. I'm not going to do it. I shouldn't do it. I probably won't do it. I'm gonna do it!!
The Sing-Off
CC: I like a cappella. But I hate this show.
JB: I tried to fill my aching Glee-hole with The Sing-Off. I didn't hate it as much as you but if there's really an acapella upsurge sweeping the nation this show is going to kill it stone dead. It confirms every preconceived notion about people who join vocal groups. It's not so much that they're massive dorks. It's not their sweater vests or their enthusiasm. It's that they love singing BUT THEY HATE SONGS! Which is why they slaughter them with those stupid babababadadada arrangements. Oh and, nice nervous laugh, Nicole Pussycat Doll
Jersey Shore
CC: There are no words, so here are some words: Pauly D and the fattie. Pauly D and the grenade. Pauly D and whatever the fuck must be on his hands after beating up the beat. Also, Snooki's mom should never have smushed with Snooki's dad, and whatever the answer to Ronnie's equation is, it's wrong.
JB: Chill out, Freckles McGee. Like Sammi and Ronnie, I'm still in the honeymoon stage in my relationship with the J-Shore. Everything everybody did was insane: Snookie clearing the cobwebs with her dancefloor backflips. Any time we get to spend at The Shore Store. The duck phone! (It never gets old!) Ronnie's attempts to hide the Italian sausage while grilling Sammi about the cop. The bitchfaced blonde cockblocker who whined her friend out of The Situations's bed. Which lead me to the shocking conclusion that The Situation is not a closer. He can lure guidettes back to the house. He can get them into the filthy hot tub. But he can't close the deal. Either they're too grossed out, they come to their senses or a girlfriend drags them away for their own good. And the non-showing of The Punch Heard Around Around The World? MTV gets to have it's fist-shaped cake and eat it.
Friday Night Lights
CC: I love Tink. I love Mrs. Coach's perfect reaction to every situation. I love Riggy talking to Skeeter the dog. I love Riggy telling that guy he fucked his wife and then beating the shit out of him. I love that Coach is gonna make a gun disappear. I love Landry's list of reasons to go out with him, complete with bailing on the end of it and just saying go out with me. I love this show. I hate you if you are not watching it.
JB: I said Oh No out loud four times this week. When Luke Cafferty got injured. When Landry tried to cut the ties with Tyra. When Julie fell to pieces at the Academic Smackdown. And when Glen mouth-raped Tami. And I laughed out loud when Riggins --Riggy? Really?-- described Becky's mom as a disgruntled redhead.
Dollhouse
JB: The fake-out at the start of the attic episode was better than the whole of Avatar. What was left of my mind after something like an entire season's worth of revelations crammed into forty minutes was blown by DeWitt and the whole we're-putting-a-team-together bit at the end. And let's take a second to acknowledge the awards and career opportunities that won't be coming Olivia Williams' way. She has just DESTROYED in these episodes. She's gone from drunken self-loathing to icy backstabber to engineer of the rebellion. I hate that there's only three episodes left but my expectations for all three are through the roof. (And, yes, Enver Gjokaj was fighting his own real-life twin brother!)
CC: HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! Is what was going through my head when it was clear that those soldiers were about to, well, hive mind Victor (um...nice shirtless work by the way). I kind of love drunk Adelle. I definitely love badass let's-gather-everyone-in-my-office-and-fucking-DO-THIS-THING Adelle. I love Victor and Sierra, 2together 4-EVA, no matter what else is going on. Awww, hearts! And of course loooooved the insider line about it being 2010 and how long have we been off the air. Good times, Joss. Good times. *sniff* Cuz you will be off the air soon. Waaaahhh! And Enver's twin...RIGHT? What's up with Joss and twins? Remember the Evil Xander episode where they used Nicholas Brendon's real life twin? What's next? Are you gonna tell me that somewhere out there is a dude who looks just like Tahmoh Penikett but is, like, a librarian or something? Cuz I could get into that. And imagine two Summer Glaus, fanboys. *runs to avoid pieces of fanboy skull flying everywhere as their heads explode*
Saturday Night Live
JB: Nothing worth taking my finger off FF (What Up With That might be wearing out it's welcome a wee bit) but this week gets a pass for James Franco's monologue, especially when he named a fake film and the crowd applauded.
CC: I was delighted to see the return of Lawrence Welk and Kristin Wiig's tinyhands. And I would be lying my fucking face off if I said I didn't enjoy that Jersey Shore thing, since everything having to do with Jersey Shore in any way, shape, or form = gold.
Gossip Girl
JB: Haven't watched in a while but now I'm all caught up with Season 3...of The O.C! Which is totally what this is. The buzz has gone and nothing works. College is the kiss of death for this type of show. Leighton Meester works harder than anyone else on GG but having her scheming to be queen of NYU just makes her look like she's playing the drag queen version of herself. That's not the only bad idea. Serena working for a publicist. Hilary Duff. Eric Vs Little J. Congressman Tripp. The ghost of Bart. Chuck as the moral compass of the Upper East Side( It's not that I don't believe the character can't change but Ed Westwick looks like a murderer). And Jessica Szohr(sp?) must have pissed off a lot of hair, make-up and wardrobe people because she is one hot Jewess and they've made her look like total shit.
CC: OK, but, but, but...Chuck and Blair are still wearing FABULOUS OUTFITS! :D No? Not enough? OK.
Also, check out this review of She's So Money! Thanks, MissAttitude!
http://blackteensread2.blogspot.com/2009/12/shes-so-money.html
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Tuesday, December 15, 2009
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...mirrored at http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/
Dollhouse
JB: Way too
late to be this awesome. If the first of this week's episodes had been
the actual series pilot, we probably wouldn't be sitting through this
deathbed vigil. It moved like a bastard, it totally invested us in Echo
and it gave us something to root for: bringing down the Dollhouse.
Dushku's taken a lot of lumps for consistently being the weakest link
in her own show. Playing passive is not her thing but this last batch
of shows is going a long way to wiping the stain from her name. I'm
getting a last-days-of Angel vibe: that show flopped around like a
dead fish for at least a season and a half--I blame Kartheiser-- but
then revived and depussified Spike, turned Fred into Illyria and
enjoyed a fantastic final run. Time capsule moment: Alan Tudyk's
delivery of "Also, Python!"
CC: Time capsule moment: Alan
Tudyk doing anything, ever. Aaaaaahhhh. It's a Firefly-lover's dream,
these Alpha appearances. Also, um, Tahmoh with his shirt off. Is not
a bad way to spend some TV time. Kartheiser totally redeemed himself
with Pete Campbell, by the way. And Angel's revival most certainly
includes the muppet episode, which I am saying just because I want
everyone to know that I have Muppet Vamp Angel sitting on my couch at
work. Oh! I loved when they exploded that guy. I literally said a
delighted "Wow!" when they exploded that guy.
Jersey Shore JB:
No drop-off in quality whatsoever. Angelina's early exit hurts but is
mitigated by the brief introduction of her best friends Alana and Elena
(Girls picking similarly named friends: is this becoming a thing?
Discuss). The Situation eulogizjng her a as a half-ass firecracker
("She fizzled out real quick!"). Schnoopy and her friend Ryder: worst
party girls ever! Schnoops getting sloppy in the hot tub. Eating a
pickle. ("She's like a whole other level with pickles'). Sammi and
Ronny getting romantic on the mini-golf course. The Situation acting
like a whiny bitch around them. Ronnie's sensational dancefloor
moves. ("I don't know where I get it from!"). It's amazing to think
that The Hills squeezed something like six seasons out of "Is Heidi
gonna be there?", while this thing is just bubbling over with stuff.
And next week: face punch!
CC: Ah, but NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Say it
with me, because this next piece of info is going to have you tearing
your hair out in horror: apparently because of complaints or whatever,
they pulled the face-punching thing. Seriously. Read about it here:
http://blog.zap2it.com/..frominsidethebox/2009/12/..jersey-shore-mtv-pulls-snooki-..punch-blames-viral-video.html
It's the worst news EVER! AAAAARRGHHHH!!!! We DO NOT LIKE THIS SITUATION!
So You Think You Can Dance JB: My interest faded over the past few weeks, but the semis were like a mini-movie. They had:
Sex: I can't believe no one on that panel screamed,"Kathryn, that was cha-cha-chanatstic!" So I'll do it. She was hot, bendy and agile. There's no higher praise.
More Sex: These last few shows Cat's looked like she's just rolled
out of bed. She was especially giggly and gropey this week.
Violence: Wow, Travis Wall, you came up with that idea about married
assassins assigned to kill each other all by yourself? Fun routine and
knowing how squirrely Fox is about the delicate sensibilities of
their tiny tot audience, I'm surprised it got on the air.
Sabotage: NappyTab must have dug deep in their magic box of terrible
ideas to dredge up a routine that would effectively destroy the
momentum the Mr & Mrs Smith dance gave Legenore. That alien number
was like something you'd see outside a mall. Heartbreak: Ashleigh--who's Been Through So Much And Has Come So Close-- hurts her arm and can't dance. Sacrifice: Ryan begs America to vote for his one-armed wife.
Crushed Dreams: Mollee flames out. And gets kicked while she's down
TWICE! Before her exit, there was this incredible moment where
Shankman tried to console her for being in the bottom two by explaining
that America had stopped loving her and then seguing into a celebration
of Kathryn and the great night she was having and how she was the new
Jeanine. Totally oblivious to the effect he was having on Mollee. Triumph: America votes for Ashleigh. A married couple will dance at the finals!
CC:
That cha-cha, while being fairly light on the actual cha-cha, was the
hottest ballroom they've had since season 3 Lacey/Danny samba. I
watched that thing like a zillion times. Kathryn was sexy and sassy,
Ryan was of course partnering like nobody's business, and that final
pose ruled. I heart Legacy but was one of the people he lost
evvvvver-so-slightly with the phone thing (I voted for Kathryn because
I was worried about her being in the bottom 2 from before), so when
Ryan made it through instead of him, instead of going "He WUZ ROBBED!"
I was more like "He was perhaps maybe a tad bit burgled hey now we get
to see Ryan and Ashleigh dance together." That NappyTabs hip-hop was a
travesty. That Korean girlpop group was a SUPERtravesty (also, I have
been informed that Korean girlpop groups are essentially
prostitutes...like, for really. Can anyone confirm or deny?). Santa
Russell with bear was the cutest thing ever.
Friday Night Lights JB:
If there's one thing Friday Night Lights is good at, it's goodbyes. The
farewells to Smash and, especially, Street, were both killers. This one
felt a little off. Despite the show trying to rewrite history, Matt
wasn't staying in Dillon for Julie, he was doing it for his grandma.
And we shouldn't have been denied an awkward, mumbling goodbye before
he drove off. Same with our last look at Lyla Garrity. Nice to see her
ride the bull but we've already watched them go separate ways. Funny
how Tyra never even got a goodbye scene yet she's still messing up
Landry's love life. Best line of the night? Riggins: "Shut up, Becky"
CC:
Yeah, I expected to be TOTALLY WRECKED by Saracen leaving, and I kind
of was, and it was almost nice to not be as totally wrecked as last
week because my god, last week, still digging out from all that
wreckage, but...yeah, they coulda done a more openly "we are gonna fuck
with your emotions" job with it. I too was tripped up a little by the
retcon issues re: grandma/Julie, and Lyla coming back and hooking up
with Riggins and then leaving again was just...well, let's face it, all
I can picture now re: Minka Kelly is Jeter. But Secret Gay Coach is
rapidly becoming the best thing ever, and if I could have J.D. McCoy in
front of me right now so that I could crush his skull with a rock, it
would be a happy holiday season indeed.
Glee JB:
Racing to the end of all it's terrible storylines before the
four-month hiatus which, I pray, will cure me of my belated
infatuation with this rubbish. If nothing else, please come up with
some sort of character for the black girl beyond her pointing out that
she's black.
CC: I don't know about Mr. Schue and Cute Redhead
getting together because I'm not too into Cute Redhead getting together
with that level of smarm (seriously...what happened to that guy since
the pilot?). Also, the big solo ballad had to be Don't Rain On My
Parade? Lea Michele blew it out, obviously, but...really? REALLY?
That said, I'm still gonna freak in a fangirly fashion over Idina
Menzel (IDINA FUCKING MENZEL!!!) joining the cast this spring. Also,
full disclosure, I met Puck at a party and he is SUPER nice and smoking
hot. I would flip out more about this but I'm trying very hard to be
Hollywood-jaded and chill.
Saturday Night Live JB:
Damn you, Lautner, I had money riding on you taking your shirt off
within the first five seconds. Not only did you let me down, you did
a.. sort of okay job. Plus you were a good sport during the Twilight
sketch which almost veered into fan-mocking territory but pussied out.
My second favorite Taylor hosting job of the season. Unless they can
nail down that elusive Taylor Dayne booking. (Replace with the Taylor
reference of your choice)
CC: How about...COACH
TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D And Mrs. Coach! That would rule. By the
way, did not realize Lautner could do all those flips and such. Let's
get him together with Legacy, LXD, and Quest and make this fantasy
flip-off of mine happen.
Dogs 101
CC: There was an episode
all about puppies this week. The whole thing was footage of puppies
running around doing stuff. As you can imagine, this necessitated a
lot of yelling at the TV, things like "What?!" and "SHUT. UP." and "OH
MY GOD" and "What the FUCK?!" Yes, cuteness creates anger and swearing
sometimes. These are facts. JB: I'm half-surprised someone hasn't made a Cute Overload TV show. And half-grateful.
Top Chef
CC:
It was one of those things where I totally didn't think I cared who won
until the moment RIGHT BEFORE they announced which Voltaggio it was
gonna be, when I found myself suddenly rooting very, VERY hard for
Bryan. Awww. Oh well. Michael's reaction was cute, so there's that.
Like, of course they gave it to the brash tatted-up guy who makes
better TV, but...aw, Bryan! Okay, I'm over it.
X- Factor CC:
Um...wow. Okay. So that kid is basically like they took those freak
twins who got booted a few weeks back and crossed them with Taylor
Lautner. Which means that somebody definitely got wolfsexed backstage
after the show. That person was George Michael.
By the way, if you are interested in what happened at the latest Family Guy party, check out the awesome Wil Wheaton's awesome blog about it:
http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2009/12/something-something-something-awesome-weekend.html
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