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****Hope****



Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Divorced
Age: 44
Sign: Scorpio

State: Tennessee
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/2/2006

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October 26, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  content
Just want to share a little about what God is doing over here in my little neck of the woods lately.  He has answered so many prayers it is unbelievable!  But I'm living it and here to tell you, so you have to believe it.

Lately God blessed me with a place just inside the city limits of a little town three miles from the homeplace where I was raised.  It's a beautiful home with everything I asked God for--room for a home office, an extra bathroom, a huge yard with great big, old beautiful trees...safe and quiet.  And not only did He give me everything on the list, but at not a penny more rent than I was paying before!  My son is in a school he loves and enjoying extracurricular sports.  He is flourishing and happy.  We have a happy home.  God is awesome!!! 

Also, I had been praying about my job situation..I didn't mind the two jobs, but missing Sunday nights and Wednesday nights of church was getting depressing and taking its toll on my spiritual well being.  This morning, I was informed that I can begin working days, Tuesdays through Saturday.  Still will have the two jobs, but a little more flexibility and will be able to go to church with Chase.  I laughed out loud when I read the email, because, well, so many prayers have been answered, that I now EXPECT God to answer the others.  Not in the way I want them, but in the way that is best for me.  Not my will, but His.  It is the best feeling in the world.  To go to bed at night with that peace, knowing my days are in His hands.  That He is working behind the scenes on all these things...that I am so loved by Him, that I do not have to fret or worry. 

God is going to complete what He has started doing here.  I do not know His time or circumstances, but I know when He does it, He does it well.  Thank God there is no confusion or chaos in God--just beauty, order, love, and forgiveness.  And rest for the weary.  I feel like I'm in my own paradise out here on the patio.  No matter what else goes on in this crazy world around me, I have something no one can take.  It is well--It is well with my soul.

5:45 PM 
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October 26, 2009 - Monday 
3:26 AM 
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October 23, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  peaceful
A little over two years ago, my husband walked out on me...He didn't physically get in the car and leave never to return.  He abandoned me and my child emotionally.  He shut himself off from us in every way..and from the rest of the world because he could not cope with life.  He stopped trying.  He gave up.  Depression and despair and sin got a hold of his life. I had to make a difficult decision.  Then, someone emailed me this from TD Jakes, and it gave me the courage to accept what I had to do.  I have had to refer to it many times in the last year because I could not let go of someone who had obviously let me go along time before.  I still have to go back to it...I have a very hard time not wanting to fall down and beg him to love me...but God wants better for me.  God saw that I was being hurt, abused, neglected, and rejected...and God said, Let it go...maybe it will help you today too. 

God's will is not divorce.  He is not saying jump ship at the first sign of trouble...but He is saying don't lose your soul over it.  Don't lose out with Him because of being unequally yoked to someone who has lost their faith and will to live and cares not for their own soul much less yours.  I pray daily for that ex-husband.  My desire is for him to come back to God in a real and true relationship and become the father he is supposed to be.  But and if he does not, I pray for the strength to let go of the bitterness and anger...to let go of the hurt...even if it keeps coming...to let it go.  It is a struggle not to keep taking it back from God's hands, but with His help, I am going to overcome this.  Someday I will be able to look at him and not feel the anger and pain.  Someday I will be able to see him as Christ sees him.  Someday I will be able to bite that bitter tongue and maybe be angry but sin not.  Pray for me that I can let it go.  It is not worth losing out with God over.  I want to do the right thing.  And that means to love in spite of.  Whether he ever comes to the truth or not...whether he ever does right by his child or not...whether he ever gets right with God...I need to be the person I know God wants me to be.  I can't do it within myself.  It is a mountain in my own strength I cannot climb...but I am so grateful He does not ask me to do it alone.  The battle is the Lord's.  He is just.  He is faithful.  He is able. 

Let it Go --by TD Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for you!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ....

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"
4:24 AM 
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September 19, 2009 - Saturday 

                                 Thank God I Woke Up in Time—

Early this morning, (09/19/2009) I had a dream.  I was in a big room with a hard wood floor much like a gymnasium.   I was there.  My husband was there.  And a third stranger was there—built much like him, but his face—his face bore no resemblence to my husband.   The stranger was  holding us captive, taunting us, laughing at us with evil glee.   At first I was just confused, not scared.  Wondering what was this man’s problem—this man was angry.  This man was unreasonable.  Perhaps on drugs, but maybe not.  I could not put my finger on it. This man would surely listen to reason, though.  Surely he had the wrong people captive.  I tried talking him down, trying to convince him that it was a mistake.  That we had stumbled in to the wrong building.  We did not even recognize this place.  We were headed somewhere else.  We had not meant to run into him here.  But he would not listen.  And the more I talked, the angrier he got.  He began to beat me with a large wooden club much like a heavy boat oar….I cried.  It hurt.   And my husband, though I screamed at him, just stood there.  Watching.   I tried to get away.  I wrestled with him.  The man’s expession never changed.   He reached behind his back and pulled out a long knife—and proceeded to press it to my throat, not against my bare skin, but against the cloth of my turtle neck, and began pressing, harder, and harder.  The only thing saving me at the moment was the protective layering of the clothing I had worn—heavy and thick and resistant. 

In terror I screamed and tried to shove him away, finally realizing his intent was to slowly torture me before he killed me…or us.  I wasn’t sure.  He was going to kill me first and make my husband watch.   And he was having the time of his life with his torture.   When I realized I was fighting a losing battle, I remembered the cell phone in my pocket.  But I couldn’t let him hear me dial.  I couldn’t let him know I was calling for help.  I had to keep it quiet.  I had to somehow  get help for me and my husband…or we were goners.  And my husband, was just standing there—helpless.   His hands were not tied.  But he was silent and still as a statue.  I pressed what I hoped to be the number 9-1-1 on the phone in my pocket without taking it out and revealing what I had done…Maybe someone will hear.  Maybe they will trace the call.  Maybe help will come in time. 

My heart was pounding.   I was screaming at th eman , pleading for my life, begging him to just let us go.  But he would not.    And my mind was wondering, where are the police?  Where are the blazing guns, where is the rescue?  And it never came.

Somehow I shoved the stranger away and ran to my husband….I grabbed his hand and tried to run round a corner …He was not running as fast as I…and I felt his hand slip from mine.  But I still thought he was running behind me.  If we could just find an exit, we could escape!  There were so many doors, and the hall was dark.  But finally I saw a door on the right that led out.  If we could just get to it.  If we could just make it to it.  We would be safe!

And just as I reached the door, the stranger, whom I thought I had left behind appeared in the doorway. Menacing.  Laughing.  Wielding the knife.  Waiting.  Just waiting on me.  And I turned and looked behind me…and my husband was gone.  They were one and the same.  Why?  Why I screamed.  Why have you done this?  What have you done with him?  You are not him.  You can’t be him.  He would never do this.  Why are you doing this?  Who are you?  And what did you do with him?  He’s not coming back is he?  He’s gone forever.   Gone.  And only I remained.  Where was the help?  Where was the rescue?  Why weren’t they coming?  Did I dial the wrong number?  Could they not hear me?   And just as I thought my heart was going to burst from my chest in complete and utter terror--  I………woke….up.

3:41 PM 
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September 14, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  determined
Category: Religion and Philosophy
                            13 I am still confident of this:
                          I will see the goodness of the LORD
                           in the land of the living.
 14 Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.--Psalm 27:13 &14

There is nothing like waiting..especially when you are in limbo--when you feel as if you on a long, long flight back to the homeland--and not an uneventful flight, mind you, but one straight through the biggest, blackest, ugliest storm cloud you have ever encountered.  A flight that leaves you retching and green from its sudden drops and spins, leaving you breathless and sobbing and wondering if the plane carrying you is going to burst into flames mid-air. 

But I am still confident of this...I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  What does not kill me, will make me stronger.  I will live and not die.  God will take care of me.  When I am sick, He will heal me.  When I am lonely, He will talk to me.  When I am sad, He will comfort me.  When I am in need, He will provide.  When I can't walk, He will hold my hand.  When I am lost, He will show me the way.  When I am confused, He will give me clarity of mind.  When I am distressed, He will bring sweet peace to flood my soul.  When I am grieving, He will give me joy unspeakable and full of glory.  He is, and He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him.  This is the Hope I have.  This is what I wait for. This is what I live for.  Be strong, He says.  In due season, you will reap if you faint not. 

Time spent waiting on the Lord is never wasted.  I heard Him speak this morning, and God is a southern gentlleman:  You don't ever have to fear flying again, because no matter how bumpy the ride gets, the One who holds the stars in place holds your hand, babydoll, and I have promised to never let you fall if you just let go of the reins and let this horse have its head."  Isn't it wonderful that we have a God who speaks our very own love languages! I love Him with all that is within me.  I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is within me, Bless His holy name. 
12:32 PM 
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June 30, 2009 - Tuesday 

Current mood:  blessed
Has it really been since April that I've blogged?  It's not that I've had nothing to say...it's just that I've felt the need to keep it close to heart.  I came to the conclusion that maybe airing my laundry, both dirty and clean, was a bit too much.  Or maybe I just have had too much of the dirty laundry piling up and needed to do a bit of laundry.  I'm still here.  Still struggling to live right, do right, have pure motives, and pray for my enemies...that being said, I've had my plate full emotionally and spiritually.  I've been digging more to find the truth.  I've been paddling faster to stay afloat and moving on down the river.  Not sure about the healing part...as a friend told me, "You've got to stop picking at the scab," which is much easier said than done. 

But change is coming.  Better days are ahead.  I just keep doing what I know how to do and learning more each day what it means to trust God. 
2:34 PM 
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April 27, 2009 - Monday 
All I have is today--this moment. I choose to talk to God, my best friend, to look to Him for my counsel, my sustenance, my peace. I choose to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot, knowing that by putting it into the hands of our great and almighty and all knowing Father, that I am doing all I can do to faciitate change. I do not choose to be the same as yesterday. Yesterday is gone. Life and my choices have changed me. Now it is time to choose only the good. If it is not moving me forward, then it is hindering me. You can choose to go with me. You can choose to stay behind.  You can choose to be a part of or none of.  That is your choice. But in the end I will know that I chose not the easiest path, but the right path. I choose to forgive. I choose to not be angry. I choose to look for hope. I choose to make today good.  I choose to believe in things hoped for and yet unseen. I choose to love. If that is wrong, then stone me, beat me, spit on me, curse me. Walk on me, turn your back on me. Whatever you choose, that will be your choice. I can't change you. All I have is today, yesterday is gone.
4:28 AM 
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March 4, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships
Did you ever wake up and think, "How did I get here? Surely this is someone else's life." Nine months have passed. A baby can be conceived, developed in his mother's womb, and delivered in nine months. And yet,seemingly today seems just like yesterday to me--and the day before.
That being said, yes, there has been some progress, however small in the building project that is my life. There have been some Aha! moments. For the most part, it has been a grueling ..surgery.., a major resection of the vital organs--my heart and my mind. I thought I was going to die when the anesthesia wore off, the pain was that great. But slowly and surely, the healing is coming. I still have some sutures left to remove. I still have to take my ..medicine... I still have to do the rehab. But I am alive. Thank God, I am alive!
3:16 AM 
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January 12, 2009 - Monday 
Bro. David Hughes' message this morning is the topic of this blog post.  I can't pretend to do it justice.  But the message bears repeating.  Thanks bro. David.
Interesting story in Numbers 13 of the Bible.  Twelve leaders were sent out to spy the land of Promise.  Ten of those came back with mixed reviews.  Yes, it was a land of plenty.  Yes, abundance.  Yes, enough to feed the four million people of the tribes of Israel.  Everything grew big--even the men.  And surely they could not defeat such mighty men.  We look like grasshoppers to them, they moaned. 
31 But the men who had gone up with him said, "We can't attack those people; they are stronger than we are." 32 And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, "The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. 33 We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."
Ten leaders' fears spread throughout the camps of four million people.  And because of their bad report, the people grumbled and complained.  Ten ill testimonies, and millions swayed to want to go back to Egypt.  Egypt was a known quantity, however bad.  They feared the unknown.  They doubted God. 
But there were two who did not doubt.  "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it." Of the men who went to explore the land, only Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh survived.
What happens when we get our eyes off the prize--the giant grapes and focus only on the giants, the enemies?  The place God had prepared for them was literally overflowing with good things--blessings beyond their wildest dreams.  Yet all they could see was the battles before them.  The obstacles.  You would think after all they had gone through in the wilderness that they would welcome such a marvelous paradise as it seemed.  You would think that as many times as God's hand had provided for them that they would have learned by now that God was on their side and that if God were for them, no giants could surely defeat them.  It's easy for us to see this from our perspective hundreds of years later.  Why couldn't they see it?
Because they were focused inward.  They were focused on their own smallness and not God's bigness.  We can't, they whined.  The giants are too big.  The obstacles too great.  We want to go back.  Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?"  See, they already had their minds made up what would happen if they entered.  This and this and this will happen to us.  Their reaction was not, as Caleb's was, we can do this.  We have made it before with God.  He will help us again.  It was bitter complaining and whining. 
Two men were in the minority.  Against millions.  Two dared to speak up.  Two dared to have faith.  Two dared to believe God.   And those two made it.  What was the difference?  The Bible says because Caleb had a different spirit AND he followed God wholeheartedly...because of this, he gained access, and his descendents inherited the land.
If you find yourself standing on the edge of receiving a promise from God, don't give up!  Are you going to see the giants? or the grapes?  Think big.  Think giant grapes!!!  Think what miracle you are on the edge of receiving.  Stop looking back just because the path before you is unknown.  It is NOT unknown to God.  He sent them to spy the land for their own sake.  He already knew what was there.  He wanted them to see, count the cost, and make a decision.  He wanted blind trust.  He wanted faith.  He wanted their whole hearts, fear and all.  He wanted them to realize that as big as the giants were, He is bigger still.
Thank you Bro. David for reminding us of this truth. And God, help us to live it as we walk this walk of faith with Your help.
 
 
 
 
3:04 AM 
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December 22, 2008 - Monday 

Current mood:  cold
The skies are leaden and grey, promising nothing today but precipitation and freezing temperatures. Somewhere above those burgeoning clouds there is a sun, though, a massive convection oven of gases rolling and bubbling. We cannot see it, but we know it is there. Perhaps others can see it today from some other vantage point, but we are left shivering and wishing for its warmth.

My mind tells me God is near, just above the surface of my trials, waiting. Waiting for my prayers to break through the layers of grey. I long for Him, much like the warmth of the sun on a summer day. I am not willing to wait for this season to pass, and so I reach with all that is within me to beckon Him, to welcome Him into this world of mine. To make the path plain and straight, to enlighten me on my journey. I am thankful that He is near, but I need Him closer, burning and bubbling inside of me; for just the knowledge that brighter days are ahead is not enough. Brighten my today. Warm me with Your comforting Spirit now. Put the promise of life deep inside me where no threat of winter can deter me.

Take everything that is winter and dead inside and grant it miraculous rebirth. Do that wonderful thing You do so well. Give me hope. Give me life. Give me joy once again. Am I selfish to want this, Lord? You know my innermost thoughts and dreams. If it is selfish, then make it unselfish. Let me wish it for others too. Let me share what You give. It is the season of miracles. I do believe. I do, I do, I do.
9:59 PM 
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