I don't get it, I'm not a good writer, I rant about the same shit, I haven't posted anything in a looooooooooong time, who actually reads this shit?

I must explain... I saw this in Port Authority a few months back taped to the glass wall of the gate that goes to Nyack, I don't know if too many people noticed it but it was too bizarre for it to be completely unnoticed. So without much further adieu.... I present to you, "We Girl"

KISSING WE CAN DO AND KISSING DON'T HURT WE GIRL HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SHARE OUR WORLD WE GIRLS KNOW WE NEVER HAVE HAIR ON OUR FACE WE KNOW EVERYONE ELSE KNOW WE CAN'T BE ASKED TO TOUCH IT KISSING WE CAN DO AND KISSING DON'T HURT WE GIRL ARE BORN KNOW WE HAVE BREAST WE FEEL THINGS POP OTHER GIRLS WITH BIGGER BREAST THE US WALK AROUND WITHOUT A TOPLESS THE POP WE FEEL WE DON'T ASK MEN DID THEY SEE OUR BREAST WE GIRLS KNOW OUR PUBIC HAIR IS OUR VAGINA WE DON'T ASK ANYONE IT SHOW IT SELF AND WATER BUMP IT TWIST WE HAVE AND MEN KNOW THEY CAN'T ASK US ABOUT TESTCIAL WE BORN WATER BUMPS AND WITHOUT TESTICALS AND WE KNOW WHERE OUR LIPS ARE AND THEY STAY WET WE DO WHAT WE DO, WE KNOW MEN AREN'T CONNECTED LIKE US THEY DON'T WHAT TESTCIAL ARE WHY WE KNOW WE PEE A LOT AND CAN GET PREGNANT AND GROW BREAST, WE GIRLS KNOW OUR LIPS STAY WET AND CAN SLAP US AND WE KNOW WE HAVE PERIOD AND BLEEDING WE DON'T ASK ME HAVE YOU SEEN IT.

COME GIRL LET GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY JUMP ROPE THEY WEREN'T SEEING IT

GIRL 103  

11 reflection •

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

It's calling me...

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This night is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna be down here soothing my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I hide away.

So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason ...
before we pine away.

music - Tool

lyrics - M. J. Keenan

As I'm packing my life into these 2x2x3 boxes I can't help but to look back. I started to think that in a lifetime we probably cross paths with tens of hundreds of thousands of people but only a handful really stick out. The other day I stumbled across something that I thought was long gone, years ago I had received a tape from a friend. I thought I lost it when I junked my Explorer but only the actually tape went with it, not the liner notes. It was great to find it because I couldn't remember all of the songs and I loved the tape...

I know that I've posted this poem before but this is exactly how it reads from when she sent it to me.

Memory

And you wait, await the one thing
That will infinitely increase your life;
The gigantic, the stupendous,
The awakening of stones,
Depths turned round toward you.

The volumes in brown and gold
Flicker dimly on bookshelves;
And you think of lands traveled through,
Of paintings, of the garments
Of women found and lost.

And then all at once you know;
That was it.
You rise, and there stands before you,
The fear and prayer and shape
Of a vanished year.


-Rainer Maria Rilke


1. Not you again – Dinosaur Jr.
2. Rhinoceros – Smashing Pumpkins
3. Uncertain Smile – The The
4. Hallah – Mazzy Star
5. That Voice Again – Peter Gabriel
6. I'll Be On My Way – The Beatles
7. Don't You (Forget About Me) – Simple Minds
8. I Will – The Beatles
9. Full Moon, Empty Heart – The Pixies
10. A Ghost of a Chance – Billie Holiday
11. Blue Light – Mazzy Star
12. This Guitar Says Sorry – Billy Bragg
13. The Wind Cries Mary – Jimi Hendrix
14. Thank You Girl – The Beatles
15. Now or Never – Billie Holiday
16. Five String Serenade – Mazzy Star
17. St. Swithin's Day – Billy Bragg
18. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
19. Sweet Jane – Velvet Underground
20. In My Life – The Beatles
21. It Says Here – Billy Bragg
22. Free – Mazzy Star
23. God – John Lennon
24. I'm Allowed – Buffalo Tom
25. The Saturday Boy – Billy Bragg


Buffalo Tom I'm Allowed



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An answer for a question… ("I can't help but wonder where the fuck Chris Arnold went.")

Standing where she left him

Stranded in the middle of the desert

On the side of the road

Waiting for her return

Lost, tired and alone

Holding this broken heart

Just where she left me

On the side of the road

A Vagrant Universe That Never Allows for Sleep

If this star could stop the wandering spirals of time

If you would've let me

I'd have loved you till the day I died

Absolutely no consequence of conditions

No terrifying heights of any pedestal

In a bed of roses where we lay

Pedals, stems and thorns alike

I'd have taken the sweet and delicate

As I'd have taken the sharp and painful

No, nothing is ever perfect in this world

But in this world you were perfect enough for me

If only this star could stop the wandering spirals of time

If only you'd let me…

"We don't always have everything that we love and we don't always love everything we have."
God damnit, when will these talking monkeys ever fucking get it right?

So, for the past 4 weeks I haven't been able to use many of the buttons on my phone because I dropped it in a bucket of water at work. Not until yesterday was I able to use any of these buttons until upon the walk to Peter's apartment I tried to phone my sister and discovered that I now had use of these buttons, I attribute to the extreme cold. So today was the first time in weeks that I was able to take pictures and my phone has a habit of shooting pictures inside of my pocket while I'm on the move. Today it went off a grand total of 74 times, here's a picture of the best shot that I got... enjoy...

It's amazing the things we take along with us throughout lives. When I was in highscool I made a deal with my English teacher, I always thought that most homework assignments were bullshit and would be long forgotten years later. I worked it out so instead of doing the standard homework assignment I would memorize poems and recite them. One that's stuck out in my head lately, I guess through circumstance is Shakespear's sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

I know I was cruel today, but I don't regret anything that I said, I needed to get it out.

It was a good day, felt good about myself for the first time in weeks. Didn't put my Belle behind me, before me, or above me, just in my my thoughts and hoped that she smiled today.

I know it's tired and old but the democrats winning both the house and the senate was big and uplifting news. I call myself a liberal with conservative views. I don't fall into the two party system anymore, mainly due to Gregg... brilliant mind, I don't talk to him nearly enough anymore. Checks and balances have finally fallen back into our great and tired nation.

Lingered in the city for a bit after work, walked into this pizza place next to the Ed Sullivan Theater just looking for a slice. The guy ahead of me had the same idea, but they didn't serve by the slice, only by the pie. My New York is disappearing to Starbucks and whogivesafuck. It just so happened that this guy, Roy, was this amazing fucking guy. He's one of those people that look reality in the face and say, "Fuck off, I'm cashing in on my "Get Out Of Jail" card, and I'm walking out." Reminded me of Billy, a cousin that faced the odds and said, "Fuck this arm, I'm a S.E.A.L!"

Always admired people like that, a paraplegic that broke the odds. We spoke about music, art and sports, never about politics. The one thing that makes us stand or sit, let it sit by the waist, waste, side, enjoy the pizza.

I sat in front of this man for the next hour confronting things that really matter. Thought trave back, and Christ, Jon, I do hope your are among the best. Roy. And he and I recalled the best and worst ones that graced our eyes and never were while we shared a pie in NYC... and thought, "He doesn't have it. But "God damn" he sure does has a great grasp."

The waitress, through out the hour, flirted. I gave it back, my mind didn't wonder back to my Belle... I didn't want it, but still, there it was. Someone still wanted this wretched ass. I didn't have to shoe her away  with some, "Just broke up with my girlfriend." line. Didn't have to push her away to the "Mer de Nomes"... sea of names... It made me feel alive. Wanted again. It was good.

The bus ride home was long, over an hour and a half. Spoke to the woman next to me, all still trivial... about the transmission that gave way part through the up-shift. About the time it took, tolls, traffic, news, politics, life... It all gave way to a new part of me. Gave way to the new part of me, the exposed me. I like him. It was a good day. Hope you're well Belle.

I guess it's true when they say, "When it rains it pours." This shit storm has hail the size of softballs. Stomach still knotted up, I feel like I have no other outlet right now but to write, and I'm sorry, I know that you probably don't want to read this. I walked almost 2 miles in the rain this morning to catch the bus for work, my brother wouldn't let me out of it. My clothes and shoes are still cold and wet from almost 10 hours ago. Now that I'm home, I don't know what to do. And all day long, the words from this poem, I don't remember when I heard it or who wrote it echo in my thoughts... "I will leave your white house and tranquil garden. Let life be empty and bright." I don't know the rest of it, I can't for the life of me place it, and I don't know why it suddenly popped into my head. I guess that's the end of my rant for now, I'll leave you be.

There's always that one fucking clown that wants what isn't his. Get a fucking spine and stop stepping on my dick you fucking asshole. I guess this vulture feels the need to spread around his s.t.d.'s.

yes, this is painful and yes, I do understand that you have to look out for yourself but no, I don't understand how feelings can change in a week, yes, I do feel it's ironic that this choice has been made when he's stepped into the picture, no, I'm trying not to place blame or make accusations, yes, I'm glad that I told you everything and laid it all on the line but no, I don't know if I expressed myself that night and no, it wasn't easy seeing you to the door for the last time and finally, yes, I meant what I said when I said that I didn't want you to go.

 

An idle mind takes me places I never wanted to explore or reside

But here I am, empty handed, pockets turned inside out

With knotted and broken rope at my feet

My favorite star is getting harder to see

sorry I'm an idiot and I don't know how to make this into a direct video post so here's the link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgyFYSkFBqQ

I still wear your ring love, and yes, my heart beats where my feet can not be.