Kim decided to repost my guide and even though I hung my Viva Whoring Shoes, its still a good reminder for those of you who still go or those silly kids who are going for the first time.  These gems were written by myself, Kelly and Christiana. Toast a boot to her.  She'll be judging and mocking you from the great unknown (and I wouldn't put it past her to haunt your fat ass for trying to squeeze into a playsuit).
xoxo. Have fun kids.

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: X-Blonde
To:
Date: Mar 25, 2009 6:20 PM
Subject: It's time, again,  for the VLV Mini-Guide!


I can’t take credit for writing this. My friend Liz wrote it a couple of years ago. I’ve modified it somewhat to adjust to the new venue.

Mission Statement:
For all of those who say that Vegas is lame due to the lack of a good line-up or that it’s too much of a fashion show, you are doing it wrong. Vegas is not about bands or being the fanciest (well I’ll get to that in a second). Vegas is about excessive drinking, whoring and causing trouble in the most sinful city in the US. Period.

Wardrobe:
Alright. Let me just get this out of the way. I will keep the rules as simple as possible as I do this every year and if you don’t know by now, you deserve our mocking.

1. Just because it zips, don’t mean it fits: Year after year, we scream this, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears. Just because you wiggled your fat ass into it, doesn’t mean it looks good. And once again, if you have massive cellulite issues, PUT THE PLAYSUIT DOWN. I swear to IPU, I’m gonna start egging any fucking girl who doesn’t belong in a playsuit who is strutting around the car show. And I’m tired of saying this and it seems retarded that I have to reiterate this but I have nothing against the larger girls, I AM ONE! However, you’re not gonna see me in a playsuit or anything else that exposes my flaws to the world.

2. Just because it’s vintage, doesn’t mean it’s cute. Leave the polyester paisley dress at the Goodwill please.

3. Repro: I like repro just because I’m sick of vintage clothes falling apart, but be forewarned that hundreds of other girls bought that stop staring dress and you better be damned sure you look better in it and don’t mind wearing the same outfit. For custom made repro, go to www.whirlingturban.com, she makes FABULOUS, custom vintage repro and now has a boutique. Even the dresses in the boutique are not mass produced, so you will find something you won’t see anyone else wearing there.

4. Flames, cherries, etc.. Do I have to? really.. come now.. use your head

5. Shoes: I heart shoes. They are awesome. Vegas destroys your feet, both boys and girls. Make sure you have some sorta comfy shoes you can put on after the blood starts gathering around your toes. If however I see you in flip-flops and you are not on your way down to the pool, I reserve the right to step on your ugly feet.

6. Guys: For fuck’s sake, look at all the women dressing up around you, do them a favor and put on something besides a wife beater and jeans.

7. Mr. & Mrs. I am wearing vintage down to my underwear and you are lame because you are not Bite me. Wear whatever the fuck you want. Just do it with a sense of style please. I don’t give a rat’s ass that you spent 500 dollars on your Hawaiian dress, if I wore something like that I’d either puke on it or it would get ripped by some European guy getting me naked, so enjoy being uncomfortable.



Vegas Ass:
*disclaimer* I do not encourage those who come to Vegas with or without their significant others to Vegas to cheat. People make their own drunken decisions. And remember, what happens in Vegas, gets posted on My Space.

-Finding that special someone:
so there are a few levels of Vegas ass... they vary depending on timing, day of the week, amount of drunkeness, how attractive you yourself are, luck, etc... so general guidelines (all rules subject to change):

Thursday: Use that as your general scouting night. Unless you are a veteran, chances are you might get stuck with someone for the whole weekend and you might find a higher quality Friday or Saturday.

Friday night: This is when the best quality ass will be found. Make yourself available. As we learned the hardway in 05, don’t wolf pack. Travelling around with a group of extremely hot girls will get you noticed but not get you laid. Boys are pussies and are intimidated by large groups of women.

Carshow: Good place to scout and get free drinks. Be wary of the guys taking pics of every car tramp they see. There’s something better.
Downstairs bars: The chances of you getting some are increased by hanging out at the bars downstairs. Better chance to talk and people are usually going back and forth. And plus, chances are that is where you will find my group. We like this area as it’s close to liquor and in between stuff. We are also not shy and are good at getting people laid.

Room parties: Amazing scoring territory. It’s much easier to pick a pony out of a room of 20 people then it is a room of hundreds. Don’t know the people at the party? Carry a bottle of liquor with you, they’ll invite you in, especially if you are a girl and have boobs. Boobs get you many things and can be exchanged for goods and services.

Sunday Night: Anything goes. Pretty easy to get some on Sunday as it’s last ditch effort time. You’d be surprised at what you come up with sometimes though. I’ve had some amazing Sunday nights.
If you’re taken: If you significant other is there, make sure you and your roomie have something worked out to avoid the embarrassing incident of them showing up to your room. Strangers, stick with strangers, our world is very very small and chances are you know everyone in some way but I’d try to target people who live on the opposite coast or a distant continent at least.

Stop talking: This is mainly for the dumb boys (although I’m sure it can be applied to a female or two).. Just shhh.. shhh.. tell me I’m pretty, buy me a drink. Really don’t need or care enough to hear your philosphy on life. We can talk about that afterwards if you haven’t been thrown out of the room yet.

Foreigners: Viva la Germans! and all others who don’t speak English well. You are adorable and usually make for good casual encounters.

Other general rules:
-Security: For the most part on Friday and Saturday, security is gonna let you get away with a LOT. There are too many people for them to enforce much. Sunday be on the lookout. By then they are tired of our shit and enough people have gone home, that they begin to enforce the rules. Still leniant but you gotta be careful and you’re having sex in the bathroom, have someone guard the door unless you want to be escorted to your room by five security guards (that didn’t happen to me, honest, I wish I could claim that honor. Security chapter I salute you and will do my best to live up to your name this year)

-Booze: I don’t know if the Orleans will have the Boot. If they do, I suggest you buy one immediately since they have sold out by Saturday. Then buy your liquor in the downstairs liquor store located near TGIF or in a liquor store around Vegas. Much cheaper. Also, remember they give you free drinks when you’re gambling. And worse comes to worse, look for Kelly. He’ll be standing by some bar giving out shots to people who proclaim their love for him so remember the the words "I love Kel" Unfortunately, Kelly was not at Viva in 2008, so a lot of people had to buy their own shots.

-Double Down: Try and get out there at least once. It’s my favorite bar in Vegas. They have tried to duplicate it here but it’s not the same. Make sure you ride the pony and get a shot of Ass Juice.. not at the same time though..
Sunscreen: it’s Vegas. You are pasty from living in the land of Winter. Use your judgement and don’t forget your cleavage.

Ahh another year has gone. 2008 wasn't nearly as bad as 07 (that has set the bar that all other years will be judged by). It really wasn't that great but was pretty life changing. New degree, new job, new town.. but really, what did 08 teach me?

1. I can earn a very expensive degree and still be broke as shit. Although I get some sick pleasure in watching the economy collapse and people scramble trying to figure out how to live within a budget like most of my friends have been doing for years. Welcome to being poor America. It sucks.

2. Philadelphia is a crime ridden hellhole. All you people who yearn for the days when New York was dangerous are fucking idiots. I'd kill for the ability to walk around a city at 4 am and not worry about getting mugged, killed or raped.

3. I need a car Real bad. Beyond the fact that it sucks walking around with groceries when its 10 degrees outside, I need the ability to drive away from here real fast. And yes, I belong to Philly CarShare and its cool and all but its not the same.

4. Neil Patick Harris is a genius. I heart that little gay man so. And paired with Joss Whedon? weeeeeee

5. Kittens are evil. Or at least mine is. She is cute as hell but today was literally swinging from the cabinets. And I just heard her break something in the bathroom. Sigh. And if you want to learn the truth behind cute animals? fuckyoupenguin Best blog ever. Thank you Seth.

6. Eating out and drinking all the time makes you fat. I've lost about 30 pounds since I moved here. And it is not because I'm dieting and exercising. I know I walk a lot less.  Its just from staying in and not having friends or money to go out to eat with . I'm thinking of publishing The Loser Diet and see if I can make it on Oprah (not saying that is part of my evil plan for dethroning her or anything... really.. I swear.. oprah is the devil)

7. Never trust a governor. Spitzer, Palin, Blagojevich.. you sneaky fucking bastards. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said a thousand times already.. oh except fuck you Blagojevich for making me learn how to say your name. Thats a brain cell I could be using for something else.

8. The olympics are boring and I don't give a fuck about swimming. Bite me  Phelps. I never want to see you in a speedo again.

9. Screw championships. Nope. Don't care the Phillies won. Sorry. 

10. Crappy vampire books make a shit ton of money when turned into television and movies. True Blood was pretty damn good. However I will forever try and wipe the memory of Kristin Steward and Cedrick Diggory staring longingly into each others eyes from my mind. And hi? Creepy boy sneaks into your room and stares at you while sleep? Thats not romantic, that's a fucking stalker and why I keep a loaded gun within reach.

Yeah I know its been a week but that is pretty much how long it has taken me to recover. Its been a couple of those "everything that could go wrong has" kind of weeks . But its Sunday, my apartment is clean, laundry is finally done so I finally had a second to write. There is a lack of photos as my camera died (want to buy me a new one for christmas?) so my apologies for that...

Tuesday : While on a layover in Houston, I called Missy to make sure she was still picking me up from the airport.  Much to my amusement, she asked if I wanted to go see the Toasters when I got in.  There are only a few of you who would truly appreciate me and Melissa going to a ska show together in San Antonio but trust me, its pretty damned funny. And yes, after 15 years, the two of us still enjoyed playing the "who the fuck are you?" game. For a San Antonio show, amazingly enough there weren't any fights. There was some 16 year old girl filled with anger who tried to start something while I was waiting for the bathroom but all I could was laugh.  Some Boot Boy apparently took a shine to me and expressed it by shoving me every time he walked by (ah... the skin version of pulling the girls hair).  I just rolled my eyes and kept inside the fact that the founder of his crew took my virginity. The Toasters were great although I was getting annoyed at how much shit they were talking about NYC. I'm sure it was all for show but still.. come on.  I don't understand how you could say San Antonio was better than New York with a straight face. maybe the chamber of commerce was paying them or something.

Wednesday: Wednesday was grandfather's funeral. It was pretty hard and i don't want to get into the family details.. let's just say I had quite a few uncomfortable moments. The mass was in Nativity of Blessed Virgin Mary Catholic Church in Czestochowa, Texas. You really don't get much more Polish than that. It was built in 1878 and I think my family donated the land for the cemetery. The cemetery is pretty amazing, only about an acre wide and all my ancestors are buried there. Well ancestors seems like an odd term as it only goes back to the late 1800s but everyone in my family after the immigration from Poland is there. One of my relatives (know idea how he's related, think second or third cousin, something like that) knew quite a bit about it. There is a section of unmarked graves from the influenza epidemic of 1918 (too many died too quickly for headstones). My great-great (maybe another great not sure ) grandmother apparently died in a fire and one of my other relatives apparently died from blood poisoning he got from a grass burr at age 28.  Lots of family history was told, some sordid. I wish I'd been able to speak to him more.

Thursday: Thursday night went to a  couple of functions with my folks. The first got to see my dad question a congressman than announce a pretty kick ass endowment he started. It was filled with contractors and construction workers who apparently immensely enjoyed my cleavage in my amazing dress that I bought that day for the events (that dress was killer, really need a picture of me in it).  Then went to a charity thing at the Shriner's Temple (sadly no men in fez'es or tiny cars). The silent auction did however feature a jerky cannon and a deer processing kit (only in Texas). My father bought the canon as I couldn't stop laughing at it.  No idea what the hell he is going to do with it but hey, who doesn't need a jerky cannon?

Friday: I got in my grandfather's big ass truck and drove to Austin. I had an amazing night with everyone. I don't drink like that anymore and can't believe I didn't end up vomiting. I think the list included: Jameson and Ginger, Shiner, some sort of whiskey, root beer vodka, grape vodka and wine. Also got to see an amazing Judas Priest cover band. The Rob Halford was dead on .. or I coulda just been real shit faced at that point and he could have looked nothing like him but still I enjoyed it. Later on Ivar took me to some amazing taco joint. I don't know if he was impressed or disgusted by how I was chowing down on barbacoa.  Sorry but you just can't get that up here. But anyhow, it was great haning out with all my gang and made me realize how much I truly miss everyone, especially Cookie, Elsa and George. It kills me I only get to see them about once a year. Although I love the fact everytime we hang out, its like I never left.

Saturday: Saturday I again got in the big ass truck and drove to Riley's Tavern in Hunter, TX to see Dale Watson. You don't get more Texas than that place. Its off a country road in the middle of nowhere and is just pure honky tonk (apparently my dad used to go buy beer there when he was underage in college). I love that bar and wish I could just transplant it up here. Spent the night with Sarah (where are the pictures Sarah?), drinking Lone Star and being serenaded by Dale. I miss that silver fox.   It was a perfect ending to the trip.

Sunday: Ah. the plane trip home. I was totally exhausted and so ready to pass out on the plane.  The sky cap had told me there were 40 extra seats and I was looking forward to stretching out. Then the uppity woman from hell got on. I was flying Southwest and you know how you get boarded by your group number that depends on what time you check in? Well this woman gets on with her husband and teenage son. She then asks another passenger if she would move so they could sit together. The woman said she would if another window seat was open but they were all taken and she preferred to retain her seat.  This set the woman off bitching about how if there is a family you should be courteous and let them sit together. Then she and her son sit next to me (so much for stretching out) and their husband sits across the aisle (which frankly is sititng together). She contined to yap the next forty minutes about how rude the other woman was.  I'm sorry. A) this is southwest. If sitting with your family is so fucking important, check in earlier. You wait til the last minute and get a C boarding group, that is your problem.  Like I said, 40 empty seats. If you had an earlier position in line, you could have sat together. B) Nobody owes you shit because you popped out a child. Maybe if it had been a child and not a teenager I would have had more sympathy. But the boy just watched dvds the whole way and the husband didn't say a damn word to her the whole flight, so I really don't see how them sitting together really mattered. Why should the woman who checked in on time so she could get a window have to suffer for you? Ugh. Wanted to pop her. I however just kept my mouth shut, turned up my ipod as loud as it would go and was finally able to sleep for the rest of the flight. Landed in Philadelphia to a 10 degree windchill (oh yay for living in the north).  Luckily there was a limo waiting (well they call themselves limos but it was really a town car) at the train station in Glenside. The lovely driver Charles took me home for 10 bucks. He was a darling 80 year old man. He even took my heavy ass suitcase up my apartment steps (while i held my breath the poor man didn't have a heart attack, he just wouldn't let me carry it).

So there you have it.  i wish the trip had been under better circumstances but still glad I got a chance to go down for a little while at least.

Today I got turned down for both deferment of my student loans and for the PA Women's Health Insurance because apparently I make too much money. This is total news to me.  I know how much is in my paycheck and I'm certainly not living the high life. This is the price you pay for being single and not popping out a bunch of kids. I really don't want to have to get a second job. At least being poor made me go down a couple of pants sizes. Just wish I could buy some pants that fit. Alright enough of the pity party. I'll suck it up and figure out some way to get by.  But hey if you feel the need to buy me drinks, take me out to dinner or buy some shoes, that'd be awesome.  In the mean time, its time to fold some laundry and pack and get ready for Thanksgiving at the Barr-Hickson house.

Wow. I just realized its been almost a year since I've been to Texas. I can tell because my food cravings are starting to get insatiable. I would sell my soul for (shh.. lets pretend i have one):

-Cheese enchiladas in a red sauce with rice and beans. And chips and salsa for free, without having to ask
-NON-sweet iced tea
-Chicken Fried Steak with cream gravy that doesn't suck
-Whataburger
-Rudy's bbq
-a taco truck
-Chuy's deluxe tomatillo sauce on anything
-bbq places that always sell sausage
-25 cent Shiner
-Big Red
-Frito Pie
-Dr Pepper with Imperial Cane Sugar

For the past couple of months I have been living in a sort of reverse High Fidelity. It seems that this is the season for the men who have wronged and disappointed me to try and "reconnect" and redeem themselves. Kel says a homing device in my vagina is going off. Maybe they miss my charming sarcasm or the fact I am so easily amused or the fact I have the libido of a fifteen year old boy.  I can not explain the reason for the sudden deluge.  Some have offered apologies, some promises (I'm still waiting for the stable of ponies)and some are just utterly clueless about what was wrong with them in the first place.  The sheer number has been a little disconcerting and has left me in perpetual emotional confusion. But today I found out that one such man is dangling a gift before me I can't look away from. Mr. Anthony "I used to be a bitter cynical badass  turned peaceful boring breeder" Bourdain has a new round table talk show starting October 20 and in what I'm sure is just a blatant ploy to win back my affection (after all, who wants to be without my affection) is bringing Bill Buford on board. I hesitate to bring him back into my life after he turned out to be such an utter disappointment but I have to admit I am intrigued.  Of course what could end up happening is that not only will Bourdain let me down but I could become disillusioned with Buford as well.  But what the hell, as always, I'm an emotional risk taker. So I'm giving you one more chance Bourdain. Don't fuck it up. 

This weekend: So I'll be in New York for the Templars and Ultimo Asalto at the Trash Bar. You should go. And when you go, you should not ask the following "How's Philadelphia? Do you like it there? Where do you live?" or anything like that. I am getting really tired of those questions. Or more exactly it gets very annoying to answer the same question 50 times in a night.  I'm glad that people care but maybe I'm just tired of small talk.  When you move to a new town, everytime you go out its like that first day of class all over again, where you have to tell everyone your background, why you're there and your future goals etc. So to answer the questions about Philly so you don't have to ask, I'm doing fine. This city is ok. I don't love it but its ok. I haven't got shot or mugged yet so yay?  I miss New York. New York is my home but I can't be there right now. And I don't know if I'm ever going to move back. But I am doing alright. The job has some amazing moments and it has its shitty moments just like any other job.  I live too far from the fun part of Philly to go out too much but I do occasionally venture from my suburb just not that often.  And I totally need to get a car but I'm broke as hell. This is the price you pay for trying to do what you feel a passion for and trying to do something you care about for a living. So I'm making some semblance of a difference in the preservation of our audio and video but I really want some shoes. Why can't I have both? Satisfaction in my work and the new fall Laboutin boots? Come on.. Pretty please..

And since I know everyone cares so much about the rest of my social calendar, October is packed with plans. Well at least one week is..
Oct 15-17: Going to DC. Low key trip. Going down for a lecture and to see Aaron. There are a couple of people I expect to meet us out for drinks. Ahem Seth.. Just saying..
And then actually going out a ton in Philly that week.
Oct 17: Memphis Morticians at the El Bar (yay New York comes to visit me. su nice of them)
Oct 20: 7 Shot Screamers at JC Dobbs (they sadly are playing with the Horror Pops but I'm just gonna pretend they're not. lalalallalala)
Oct 22: Aggrolites at the M Bar. Wee. Dirty reggae!
Oct 24: Billy Bragg at Keswick Theater. Sigh. Billy. I love you. Please let me have your babies. Or at least a good makeout session. Or a long talk over beers about social injustice.

And then back up to New York for Halloween and then Boston for Thanksgiving. I might make it to Texas in December but I really don't know how I'm gonna afford that. I have no idea how I'm affording October but I'll sort it out. In the meantime, feel free to aid my poor ass by buying drinks and dinner.

Well somethings have kinda changed.. I'll still be in LA this weekend (WEEEE), Texas trip has been postponed indefinitely. I'll be back in NYC at the beginning of October. There are Seattle and Boston trips in the works as well, one I figure out how to afford them. Will keep you posted (notice I am trying to get away from Philadelphia as much as possible..ahem).

Well it feels like I haven't been traveling much lately.. I know that's not really true but it seems that way.. However field trips are coming.. starting with:

Aug 15-17: NYC.. I have no idea what we're doing. An appropriate assumption would involve alcohol. If you know of anything good going on that weekend, let me know. (no, I'm not coming for the Rumblers the next weekend. Drop it. Three Blue Teardrops are playing here and I need to conserve money)

Aug 29-Sept 1: LA SHOWDOWN.. weeeeeeeeeeeee I am so freaking excited I could explode. ROBIN ROBIN ROBIN.. And frankly, I just need to be around a bunch of psychos. I miss that real bad. I miss feeling normal. We'll be staying at Highland Gardens and I plan on totally stuffing my face on Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles..

Oct 3-6: Texas not set in stone. Need to figure out exact dates and when I'm taking off of work but that seems to be the dates. Again, split between San Antonio and Austin. Again, if you know of any shows let me know..

This covers about 75% of the friends I miss. There will probably be a Boston trip sometime in the relative future..

So I turned 31 yesterday. Ew. In my 30s. This year obviously was not as crazy as the past couple of years. But hey, as far as I know, nobody died so yay for me. This years birthday weekend was tame but good.
Saturday: Derek came up and we went on an adventure through Chestnut Hill: pizza, running through construction, a couple of beers at the tavern (yes, it is a tavern. This is Philadelphia), and ended with us waiting an hour for a bus back to my apartment. Woo.

Sunday: The morning started with the Old Country Buffet Breakfast Feast. I think my ankles swelled from the salt and pretty sure I had a mild heart attack from the various sausages. Then we trolled through Toys R Us and Walmart. Did you know they came out with a Star Wars Risk??? Must have.
Kellen got to town after yet another traumatic experience with Jersey Transit (god they suck balls) and we met her and made our way to the Franklin Science Institute. We watched a very bad show at the Planetarium. Although it did remind that stars actually exist somewhere. We ran through a giant heart then consumed more crap at the snack bar. Then waited in line for an hour (hmm.. that seems to be a theme) for BATMAN. See it on the imax. Its worth it. 4 stories of Christian Bale. mmmmmm.... After the movie, Kellen headed back and Derek and I went to Blue Comet Cafe for rockabilly night. It was super crowded and smokey. Then the bartender decided for some reason that she hated us. No clue why. Am not going back there til 3 Blue Teardrops plays there on the 24th (which essentially means I am probably not going out for the next month).

Monday: Actual birthday. Kinda lonely. Mainly spent working, reflecting on C and attempting to eat my feelings. The good thing about being a transfer engineer is your production booth is fairly isolated and it is easy to be left alone with your thoughts. But I did get my new box of records in, including the 45 with my new favorite title "Jimmy's Got a Little Bit of Bitch in Him."

So i survived this one. Far less dramatic than last year's which I suppose is a good thing.. I'm just glad its over. I am grateful for Derek and Kellen for making the journey to come hang out with me and for those who sent me birthday wishes and attempted to help keep my sanity. Those who forgot can go fuck themselves. Kidding. I know it is easy to forget these things. xoxoxo