Because I don't have enough blogs yet, I also started The hole In The Floor . That's where all my writing is going from now on. I just moved a bunch of it over, so check that if you want to read more of my writing in the future.

I think I've wanted to do this for a while, but just recently gotten around to it.  I think I'm about to abandon my myspace blog and give me personal blog a home of its own.  You can now read all my random rants, crazy internal dialogs, outbursts, poetry, and outbursts of poetry on their new home On the Edge of Cloud Nine.  Also, if your not aware, I still have my old art blog Sketch and Reload which I update from time to time.  So there you have it.  Ciao.

He always knew it would end this way...
But he stares into the sun anyway when grasping
For that which he can not reach.
A rote rehearsed a thousand time
As thoughtful words are spoken through
Clenched teeth.
"Please let this time be the last."
And yet, every time he spreads his wings,
The sun calls to him, it's voice so sweet,
Like honey siphoned through rationales which
Make consequence look like collateral damage
at worst.
She sounds so comforting when she speaks of trust,
Which is why the deceit stings of venom when he is burned,
And he can hear her whisper,
"Be my everything..."
And there's nothing he'd rather be.

His decent from heaven is cushioned on a bed of
Daggers, feathers, doubt, and the remnants of mirth.
He can not see clearly though these blinds, but
He knows that mirrors never lie when they speak,
And his eyes speak only monotones of gray.
Who will hear them if not him.

Beyond the horizon, the serpent never sleeps,
He finds it moves with in his dreams, repeating her every word:
"Be my everything..."
And there's nothing he's rather be.
Deprived of respite, he never wakes,
Walking in his dreams,
And dreaming when he walks.
His burdens follow him impossibly like a shadow in the sun,
And his eyes, closed shut, start blending his night and his day
Into an incongruous effigy of perception.
"I can't be your everything," he speaks,
Not conscious when the words leave his lips,
And surprised by the sudden defiance of convention.
"The bruises brought by my indiscretion are not worth"
"The fantasy you portray, and"
"The words you say are like static on the ears"
"Of a court in jesters in their frivolity."
And he claims he can not bare the weight.
Reconciling his need to feel inadequate,
He decides the fruits he has born are not to be conceded for free.
She can no longer pay in batted eyes and serpent speak.
Like vinegar's dripping from her teeth, her words no longer taste so sweet.

But still, every time he spreads his wings,
And tries to touch what he can not reach,
Blinded by the sun, he hears her speak:
"Be my everything..."
And there's nothing he'd rather be.

 

 

Ok, started writing this a few days ago.  I was inspired by a The Mars Volta (how awkward is it to have The in your band name) song called "Things behind the sun."  So, for a while I've been wanting to write something other than the standard love poem I write, the "I love you," poem.  I feel that I've explored that as much as I can and if I talk about "your" eyes any more you're just going to stop believing me.  So this poem, newish subject.  Also, my other poems are very "I" and "You," I wanted to write something with a different voice this time.  So this poem is more like a story, or narrative.  There's a beginning, middle, and end.  It's also less direct and more about evocative imagery.  Maybe not quite to The Mars Volta level, but more on that side of the road.  So, I'm not going to say exactly what it's about, I figure different people might draw different things from it, and I don't want to color individual interpretation with my own.  Just one part of how I see it, I imagine the story as sort of being one between the sun and an angel.  That's just how I like to envision it personally.

I watched "Supersize Me" last night.  You know, the documentary where the guy eats McDonalds for 30 days straight to see what it does to his body...  Yeah, I'm afraid to eat now.  Not just McD's.  It's rare that I would even consider stepping into one.  But somehow this documentary has inspired a fear of all food.  Stupid knowledge, ignorance is so much easier to swallow.

So I've been working out and loosing weight for a while now.  A couple of years actually, it's not a short term thing, it's a process.  I find fairly often that I get "stuck."  It's like a plateau for a while and then somehow, all of a sudden I drop 4 - 10 lbs, and I have no idea why.  So here's a reminder to myself of the regiment cuz I dropped a few pounds this week, and will probably continue for the next few weeks.  So, self, pay attention, here's how it works.

The Workout:
1 day gymnastics
3 days capoeira (because I like spending money apparently)
2 days weight lifting (full to 3/4 full sets).
Running is not required (yeah, cuz I don't like running)

The Diet:
No sweets (this part makes me sad)  :(
Lots of water
No soda
2 - 3 scoops of protein a day
less processed snacks, more fruit
fewer lunch outings, more light lunches (also hard, I like going out to lunch)
Subway, subway, subway, for dinner (I love subway)

Ok, so there it is.  Hopefully that keeps working.  Kind of ridiculous, I know, but I have goals.  I am always one of the first ones to say that the expectations we put out there for people physically are a bit ridiculous.  I mean, it's also countered by a ton of excess intake, but excess in either direction is excess.  That said, I do what I do for reasons I think are worth it.  Namely, I absolutely love capoeira, and I think I can be good at it if I put in the work.  If even for just a small portion of my life I am able to play at a high level, I want to be able to say I've achieved that.  Lucky for me, I have the time to work toward my goals.  Second, I think by random chance of genetics I happen to have a body that can be athletic in addition to a brain that's sharp enough tovbe intelligent.  That's my view on it at least.  I want to develope myself to my full potential and see just what I'm capable of. 

So anyway, that's the workout in a nutshell.  I think I posted a few months back that I had a goal of getting down to 225, which, btw, I did.  Between being sich for a week in Feb. and fasting in march.  I got there, and now I'm a bit below that goal.  So having achieved that, I have to set the next goal.  I hoping to have 215 in reach soon, but I guess the next real goal is 205.  Wouldn't it be cool if I could make that by the next time I visit home.  We'll see, but regardless of when, that's the goal.  Have to say, aside from one blond, very sexy, entirely too cute set back, this has been a fantastic week.  Next week, backflips!!!

So she explained the reason she wanted to be just friends to me... well, maybe not the reason, but a reason at least.  She's had this off and on relationship with this guy in Denver for a couple of years.  It hasn't worked out in the past, she explains.  They're thinking about getting together again.  You know, cuz maybe *this* time will be different...  Yeah, ok next!  Seriously.

I often accuse other people of not keeping me properly entertained by updating their blogs frequently enough for my tastes.  Look, I get bored easily, I expect the internet to keep me entertained.  By placing a blog on said internet, you are implicitly agreeing to this.  Yeah, I know, whatever.  You don't have to like it.  It's a social contract, that's just how it works...  So anyway, I'm updating. 

I hate banks.

What?  You wanted more?  Fine.  I mean, in general, I find these institutions generally unhelpful and not particularly interested in keeping you happy, which is kind of funny considering they make money off of the money you store there.  I mean, serisouly, it's not like they're doing you some huge favor by storing your phat stacks o' loot considering they're lending those stacks out to whoever can pass a credit check for considerable returns on their investment, but I digress.  The reason I was upset at my bank is that I got overdrafts...  grrr...   Isn't that why I have a real job anyway?  It would be one thing if I were spending and neglecting to frequently check my funds, but I didn't. I checked my account online and it's like you have X dollars.  I'm thinking cool, if I have money in there and I don't charge anything tomorrow, then by the time I get paid on Fri.  all will be good.  Come to find Thur. night that apaprently all these charges from early in the week finally resolve and now I'm overdraft?  Look, I can send a friend in China an instant message, and in three seconds, he'll get it.  So why does it take three friggin days for burger king to tell my bank that I bought a chicken sandwhich?  What, is there a guy he delivers a note?  Did he get lost?  Unacceptable! (excalamation point!)  Here's the thing that pisses me off, I had money sitting in my other account.  That's why I have the other account to manage my spending.  If the tools that Bank of America gave me were adequate, I wouldn't have to worry...  Grr...  The worst part of it is talking to these brainwashed monkeys at cutomer support about it on the phone.  I mean, I get it, you've had it banged into your head that if you go giving people their money back, you get in trouble, but still.  I guess at the end of it all, I should be happy that there's really no harm done, but, I dunno'  I just feel cheated.  Stoopid banks, I'm going to take out all my money and keep it in a shoe box under my bed.  That'll learn them.  Yeah, sorry, that's the most interesting thing I got going on in my life right now.  I'll try hard to do something cool on the way home like rob someone or something.  We'll see how it goes, I'll wing it.

Oh, and I promised someone more explatives in my blog, so fuck, shit, titty, cunt...  you know who you are.

I just watched a movie, rewatched actually, "The Science of Sleep."  I think I really like it.  I love any human emotion study type media.  This one was cool because it was a different sort of love story.  I like love stories that are honest about the whole thing.  That don't make it out to be a walk in a rose garden.  I like stories that make things out to be these weird gray things that they are.  It's never been my experience that I have found myself in an awkward circumstance, only to meet the girl of my dreams and fall madly in love.  That's never happened to me, I'm still single, I can't really relate.  So, if you like that type of movie, watch it.

So, I'm meeting her on Sunday.  Nothing big of course, just hanging out in the farmer's market.  She texted me this week saying that she was sick, asking how my week was going.  I texted back.  Today, I texted something to the effect of "somehow being just friends just makes me want you more.  hope you feel better, have a good weekend."  ...  I can't help it.  I think I get bored / restless with a situation.  I mean, if something's not really they way I want it, I don't gain anything by leaving it be.  What's the risk really, it's better than doing nothing.  Anyway, she messages me back.  I guess we'll hang out Sunday morning.  No big deal, right, not like she's my soul mate or anything.  It's just that she's a few feet on the wrong side of "just friends."  I know I'm going to get myself in touble here, maybe a little bit, maybe a lot, but one way or another...  It's funny, I had even rehearsed it to myself, "hmmm, I don't really want to go to the farmer's market.  I'll pass."  but instead it comes out as "sure. what time?"  ...  Silly me.  I like to play dangerous games I suppose.

Hmm, last week was interesting in that way that leaves you sort of reeling.  Like a coke bottle to the head, you drift through the world, stunned for a few moments, waiting to get your bearings.  It’s not that everything was bad, just that a lot of stuff happened.  Several big stuff happened that left me with more questions than answers.

So there was Codi saying she wanted to be just friends, right.  This is a situation that I should just be 100% okay with, but, I don’t know, there’s something weird about it.  We were supposed to meet for breakfast on Sunday, but I canceled.  My tires apparently had _no_ tread left on them prompting and immidiate emergency ordering of some, and canceling of all my out of San Jose meetings on Sunday.  I called her to apologize, and we spoke for a little while.  When I speak to her, or I’m around her, we don’t have like those 4 hour, we must be soul mate conversations.  In fact, our conversations are often punctuated by "awkward silences".  What I do find is that I feel unusually comfortable talking to her.  I dunno’ I find that uncomfortable.  I don’t know if I’m projecting that onto the situation or if that’s really there.  It’s a situation where I’m out of my element, and I guess I’m affraid that I may feel more for this person who’s interested in a friends only relationship.  That’s normally a bad set of circumstances in my book, but, and here’s how I’m learning to grow I suppose, I’m just going to let it go for now.  Deal with things as they come up, and stop trying to control the situation.  I guess it’s not even that big a deal.  I don’t know that I’m ever really going to see her again (although I wouldn’t be surprised if I did), but it’s on my mind.

So that’s just one of two or three other things that were fogging my brain this weekend. Others include:

Certain individuals who have this way of getting to me.  Who have this way of making me feel like I’m doing some horrible thing when I’m only attempting to help.  It’s just so draining.  The person I spoke ot for thanked me for it, so it made me feel better.  That meant a lot.

I realized the other day that I think I may have blanked out large sections of my childhood.  It possibly explains why I’m so unemotional and detatched sometimes, and probably explains why childhood cartoons like Mr. Rodgers, the Smurfs, and Carebears freak me out a little.  Oddly, G.I. Joe, Voltron, and Thundercats are unaffected.  Their awesomness stands evident even through irrational fear.  That’s all I’m going to say about that though.

I guess those are kind of the bigges, the littleies were the leaving of two more senior members of our studio, prompting something of a new philosophy at Loco, the pending $400+ expense to replace my tires, and the ramping up of my training schedule.  Speaking of which, this was such a good week for capoeira for me.  It’s not that I did anything particularly amazing, but more that when working on a couple of exercises I felt a noteable improvement.  It’s always a good feeling being at the cusp of improvement knowing that there is something cool you can get out of yourself.  Who knows, maybe by this time next week, headspins :D

Here’s hoping that this week is a bit more civil.

Yup, the short outting with CLG is over now, and when I say quick, I guess I mean not quick, as the whole process took about a month :(  No patience for Orion.  I probably wouldn’t notice if I were doing the whole lots of casual dates thing, but, to be honest, I don’t seem to care enough to put that much effort into it.  Lesson learned: if something seems like it’s going nowhere from the beginning, just let it go. There was certainly something to my instincts.  There wasn’t really much chemistry there, but I guess I rejoiced in the game that is trying to get someone to open up to you.  Is that a bad thing?  I don’t know yet, we’ll figure it out at a later date.  In other news I guess that means that certain other people no longer have to go lez 0_o ... unless they want to, it’s really up to you now.