lady with a violin playing to the seals Hearken to the sound of calling Who tied my hands to the wheel? The zodiac turns over me Somewhere there my fate revealed I hear but how will I see I tied these hands to the wheel The winds talk to my sails, not me Somewhere there my fate revealed I hear but how will I see The Siren -Nightwish everytime..its always the same. i know whats coming. my mind races. everytime i hope mabye it will be different. this time i wont open my eyes, there will be no dawn, there will be no ship, ill have no voice or mabye i'll really be dead, this time the dark will just stay but it never does and in the back of my mind i know that. its usually at this point that i realize how close the dark is to me. it presses closer then a lover and its caresses are driven by something so much more sinister then lust. it weighs down on me, slithering over my skin, scratching for some kind of bretch..a way inside. and i feel it. what our kind has felt for countless ages...the fear of the dark...not the dark itself but its essence..the mind behind it...and what it represents...the enevitable end of all things. Panic. it starts low in my gut and rips a thrill through my stomach. i know its coming. its scratched me before. like a tiger youve beatin to death and buried...only to turn around in classic hollywood horror fashion...so painfully slow, to see it stalking towards you inch by inch with that damned smile that says..."im back". fight or flight time...you cant fight an emotion...its just there. ok. run. run? where the fuck am i going to run? its my subconcious minds backyard. and who could measure a space like that? scream? yeah. that sounds like a real sweet ass plan. i suck as much breath as i can in, grip my ribs, toss my head back, open my mouth and i... hear seagulls....calling to each other. but not by themselves. i swear there is a terrible cry echoed in thier calls. with my eyes still shut so tight it hurts my skull..i draw one ragged breath in after another, after another...i feel the blood trickle down my palms from where my nails have dug in too tight. my feet are cramping up from the strain and my chest feels like its full of hot lead...i fight to regain control. "i am the master of this life. i will it to be serene and now all things follow aft." stillness now. slow breaths. the world is coming into focus. the little black dots begin to dissipate slowly. and like ripples in the water the tension begins to fan out into nothing. i dare a peak into the world beyond me... im alive....i think. its only now that i hear the beat of the waves. i slowly unfold myself like an injured snake on what appears to be some creeg of rock rising out of the water...low tide methinks cause there quite a few of them, they're everywhere. i scratch my head. much clearer now. for a time i have no memory of who i was before. i am truly just in the moment. hmm..blue sky..private sun rock...warm western breeze...and oh! hello...im naked. im still not scared yet...or even wondering why or where the hell i am and being the guy i am thinks this is a grand opportunity..to get that lineless tan one only gets by doin it in the buff... so i stretch myself out on this rock. reveling in thought of a nice quiet afternoon to myself...oblivious to the bluntly obvious questions of where i am or how the hell im going to get back to where ever the hell it is i came from. fuck it. the breeze is still warm and the gulls are still calling...mating, birthing, diving and dying in the ageless dance they have always done. i look to the south now to the sound of baying seals..i sit up. they splash and play and fight.the male returning from a fine feeding to satisfy his amours craving with the harem...the young so innocent to the horrors of the world...and i feel the first twinge of terror sting my gut... they weren't there before...were they? i watch them for several minutes..unnerved by the fact that i seem to know what these guys are going to do before they do it. the pup wonders too far from mom. dad snatches it by the neck and takes it back to the rest of the young, 2 females hurl into the water after a school of fish...next 2 of the young males are going to brawl...the alpha will break it up and send them both reeling...seconds after thinking it...i see it materialize... that cold lump in my throat? yeah its back with reenforcements. what the hell is going on? as i continue to watch perplexed, i am only vaguley aware of a shift in wind direction...it begins to blow from the east...which if it were not the cradle of the sun we would hate..umm..that wasnt my thought....i focus my attention on this wind..its cooler..sharper and carries the scent of... blood. sweat. and more unpleasent body fluids. i smell them before i see them. men. viking men. 2 ships..blown off course by some ill-tempered storm. they have wounded. and dead which they opted to keep with them and deal with all the nausiating details that come with that rather then giving the damned sea one more thing that they loved. they are tired and hungry. they have steered their ships in this direction looking for monestaries laided with papal riches to plunder and maidens to ravage..but instead found emaciated sheep and farm girls with broader and hairier shoulders then theirs. they look to salvage something, some shred of victory. some prize to gloat about in the face on the neighboors back home. they were not invited. i begin to feel a slight warming sinsation as the seals and my fear are forgotten. replaced by something that is so warm on the outside and dead cold inside. hate. i hate them...but no hate is to mild a word...if hate is an icicle...then im sittin on a glacier. they will kill the seals...they will piss in the water, they will hack the trees down for their homes and fire, they will rape and slaughter the peacefull denizens of this isle, the screams will keep us up long in the night, the blood will ruin the soft grass..and worse when they leave they will draw lines on that strange fold of skin and tell others how to get here..and they will come..in the thousands.. they will ruin everything. my breathing is deep and harsh by now...my fists already sore clentching even tighter...more blood...my heart slams like a crazed wild thing against my rib cage..i will see them all dead if i can...it doesnt even matter that i dont know them...the only important thing is that very soon...no one else will either. so intensley focused am i that i barely notice the old seal flop noisely on my rock. i see him out of the corner of my eye..dont look directly at him yet..at first im a little pissed..this is my rock..damnit. mine...im also unnerved because he probubly out weighs my by about 200 pounds and hes sittin kinda close. he smells like fish and musk and its burning my eyes...im just about to turn my head to tell him to shoe...when still from the corner of my eye i see him grab a mouthfull of his own skin and peel...yes..peeling his skin off...i grit my teeth and close my eyes. i dont wanna see that shit. when i open my eyes there is no seal. just an old bent man. i blink a couple of times till my eyes can focus on him. hes naked and gnarled. grey scraggely hair caps his head and trails his chest...his teeth are yellow and a little too sharp in places...his tan skin hangs off his frame but its his eyes that are most unnerving. no whites...just 2 pools of liquid brown..almost puppy-dog like untill the sun catches them...and one catches a slight red glint in them. he begins to speak to me in language i dont hear with my ears but with my sub-conscious mind. i dont catch all the words but i catch a few. Sea. Fish. Young. Mate. Defend. Swallow. its almost sing-song. like a chant. i catch the drift of what hes sayingin the form of pictures, kinda like a flip-book. the voices continue to whisper and chant in my mind even after his lips stop moving...then he leans in very close to me and tells me in perfect english... "this is our legacy to the world." he then picks up a seal pelt that i hadnt seen laying on the ground beside him. he casually tosses it around his shoulders and cannonballs' into the water. i watch the waters surface for several moments waiting for him to break. what bobs to the top is just a large bull seal that blinks at me then swims away. i hear the voices still. they comfort me. sooth me. like the warm soft hands of many realitives that hold and rock you into slumber. they tell me not to worry. they will teach me what to say. they will carry my words on the wind. my song. i see the ships now. they are sailing north, north west to avoid the dangerous creegs the stab from the reef of the ocean floor, away from me. i see them now. beneath the waves. the spirits of all the seals that have gone before us. they circle the creegs dark and ominous just beneath the waves. i close my eyes and pull their song into me like a deep breath. as close to me as possible. and make it my own. i open my mouth and sing. i sing to the men. i sing to their gods. i tell them that here is clean water. here is fine food. here is warm bodies. here is lust satisfied. here. with me. come to me. i sing in one lurid lullibye after another. the seal spirits are true to their word. the song is taken on the wind to those that need to hear it. at first it seems like nothings happening. and then i hear the cries of the men. they will come. they will come with all speed. they have no choice. i see the ships violently change course. they steer hard south now. to the creeg. their ships become more and more clear. i sing louder..harder. yes. i am the one. i am relief. i see bodies being thrown from the bough of the ship. not long dead. the blood is very red in the water. theyve killed the defiant amoung them. those that could resist and protest dont live long enough to try and sway the others. the closer they draw the more intense the song...so near. i begin to see their faces. the color of their eyes. the yellow tint to their skin. the swallowness to their face, which now changes from relieved fits of laughter to horrorified cries as the ship runs aground in the creegs. the sound of the great timbers striking the ragged rocks is like thunder. the main planks are shredded first..like so many toothpicks. then the rudder. gone. finally the mast snaps and falls into the sea. many men in their excitment had been hanging over the sides of the ship and from the support ropes. these were the first casualties. they toppled off the ship like ticks shaken off a dog. some into the water. some broken on the jagged rocks. i hear them scream and struggle in the water. many of their fathers were negligent in teaching their sons to swim. Many are already to exhausted and depleted to fight and just go under. those that can swim still fight and struggle to get to me. but none get very far. must have been a trick of the light..the seal spirits are actually grey reef sharks. they pick the struggeling ones off first. the men try to bat at them with axes and long knives but it does little to scare them. theres blood and commotion in the water. and that is enough to encite the "frenzy". the light begins to fade but the screams of the men dont. its almost like a movie fading to black as the dream begins to lose its grip on me. drifting..im aware that its happened again and im back in this place. as the "scene" finally goes black the parting sounds of the vikings cry of anguish and terror are mixed with the seals song blowing in the breeze and the sicking high cackle coming from my mouth. first i'd like to thank anyone that actually made it through this. i know this is long as hell! this is the reoccuring dream ive had since i was 9. imbellished details? mabye. but when you see something off and on for almost 20 years you tends to capture and memorize the details. anyways...it started reemerging right around my birthday and has been making weekly cameo appearences. happens mostly when im stressed. this is the first time ive actually written it down. much thanks to Dane for encouraging me to put it down on "paper" much luv buddy!! the floor is now open for inturpritations and opinions... and yes..i already know im crazy.† cody

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especially from misty†

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sooooo....

i have atlast settled into a nice 8 to 5 domesticated office job...weekends and holidays off...standin round the water cooler talkin bout sports...packin a gym bag to pump iron wit the bois after work....*sigh

atlast

im normal

rocked

jealous?