I reckon I feel like saying what's on my mind as I usually do with these things. I feel pretty well right now about a few things. I am getting back on my feet after going through financial hell at the end of last year and the first part of this one. Getting a promotion at work will also help with that. I also was nominated as Co-Op Student of the Year (SOY) by my mentor at work, and I have been working on some documents and presentations to hopefully solidify myself as a good candidate for the SOY award. 

School is going well too. I am in the easiest class I have had in a while (Civil Engineering Materials), and I have put very little effort into it while getting really nice results so far. I get to go on a field trip tomorrow to a concrete batching plant. In the rain. It should be sloppy. I am thinking about how this summer is going to work from a financial standpoint, and I am also really wanting to see if NASA and UAH will let me do a fourth co-op term while taking three classes. I plan to make a pitch to them saying that I have a really good GPA, my supervisor has no qualms about it, and I have had a really wonderful experience with the whole co-op thing.

I have to admit, though, I spend A LOT of time thinking about relationships, and in particular if I will find the right person for me. I have had a few reasons to be hopeful about it only for those hopes to slowly but surely crash back to reality. It is frustrating. I really am happy for the friends of mine who are in happy relationships, some of whom are getting married soon (I know of at least five couples off the top of my head). I know I am still young, but it just makes me wonder how long it will be for me.

Yeah, I know it isn't a manly thing to think about. I should be thinking about finishing college and about what fun things to do with the guys. I think about those things. Unfortunately, I just can't freaking get this relationship thing out of my head. With my abysmal luck with the whole thing I wished there was something that would keep me distracted from it until I do have some success with it again. Maybe it is my fear of growing through my adult years alone or at least playing catchup to everyone else that will have had kids and all. Or maybe it is the realization that most of my family is either widowed, single, or divorced and that I may by extension end up in one of those three categories.

I either want a reason to be hopeful about relationships, or I want something that will COMPLETELY take my mind off of it for a long time.

I feel like I should write about what's going on in my life right now, and what I hope will happen soon. I usually don't post blogs on here, but I am in the writing mood, so, umm, here it is.  It's hard to type because my fingers are cold, LOL.

School has been going well for me.  I thought this semester was gonna kill my grades, but so far I have been doing quite well.  In fact, I think I have done better this semester than in any previous semester.  However, I have worked my tail off harder than anything to get there, and it isn't over yet.  I still have until the first week of December until finals are done, and then it's Christmas break.  I have two, no, three tests next week, and then one test and one lab "final" the week of Thanksgiving.  Add to that my finals which start the week after Thanksgiving, a project, and some journal article responses, and I have quite a bit to do in these next four weeks.

I have also been working on a part-time on campus job with one of my professors.  It has given me some more to do.  At first the work was interesting; I was helping to draft a proposal to improve bridge inspection techniques in the state of Alabama.  Now I have been working on this very mundane project to create a CD that has bridge design standards and procedures on it.  The work is boring and unfulfilling.  I hope that my next project, to help design a room to cure concrete, will be more interesting. I get paid an okay wage to do this work, but unfortunately, I don't get enough hours to really get a good paycheck every two weeks, which brings me to my next subject....

....I'm broke!  Flat out broke.  My financial aid did not work out like it should have this semester.  If it would have, then, just like last spring, I would not have any money worries right now.  Unfortunately, I didn't get everything filled out in time (yep, it's my fault, but that bridge is long gone), so that knocked out one chunk.  I also get help from the Alabama Department of Rehabilitation since I am a diabetic.  Unfortunately, they could only help me with books this semester, and only those that I bought at the on-campus bookstore.  Since I didn't feel like giving my right testical out of pocket to get the books there, I can't get reimbursed for most of my book expenses.   So now I am limping along very nicely now until January when I start my co-op job again.  I know one thing: next summer I am going to try and be a part-time land surveyor so I can make a decent wage doing something interesting.  Never will I do this again.

Right now, life sucks.  I don't have anything to look forward to, and I feel so overwhemled and overworked.  I guess there's Thanksgiving and Christmas to look forward to (and my 22nd birthday the Tuesday after Thanksgiving), but I mean I don't have anyone to look foward to, if you get my drift.  I really hope that I can get back together with that special person in my life that means more to me than life itself, but right now I don't see it happening.  We have both hit trying times.  Life has not been kind to neither one of us lately. If I could just have her back.  If I could hold her in my arms. Life would sort itself out.  I just don't think she feels the same way.  I feel like a doormat, like the janitor that everyone takes for granted will be around, but is shooed away when not needed.  I want things to work out.  I want my angel back.  I think I am viewed as a pesky nuisance.

If I can't have that, then I just want to run.  I want to run away.  Get the hell out of dodge.  I don't know where I want to go.  I just want to go. Far away from here.  Somewhere where I can find myself and relieve myself of all the problems and issues that have plagued my existance for the past couple of months. Just getting away from here for a few days would do wonders for my morale.  I don't care where it is, but it can't be here.  I don't need a single reminder of what I am running from.  Maybe being a truck driver would be a wonderful career for me.

I want to know what is going to happen next, and I want to know if I can have her back in my life.

This is the first chapter of a story I decided to write.  Yeah, it's kinda a fantasy, but here goes....

......................

I wake up at 6 a.m., hitting the snooze button as usual.  This day, the 27th of November, happens to be my birthday, but I have to go to work, just like any other day.  Off I go into my normal morning routine.  Into the shower I go, lathering up the body wash before me, just as usual.  I get the shampoo out, but oddly enough, I commence to lathering it up on my body.  Before I realize it, I had used all the shampoo in my hand to bathe with!  After making that silly mistake, my hair gets scrubbed good and out of the shower I go.  I go back into my bedroom and find an outfit to wear for the day.  I am just about out of clean clothes at this point.  I look frantically for something that looks good on me.  Ah, I found it.  A blue shirt and some pants that are 32 in the waist.  It was my last pair of clean pants.

I usually fix myself some cereal for breakfast.  That is what my normal routine consists of.  This is just like any ordinary day.  Well, except for the fact that it was my birthday.  I figured I should instead go somewhere and reward myself.  After all, this isn't just any other day.  'Tis my birthday.  So, I go to my favorite place to eat and order my favorite food.  I don't guess it matters that I will be a few minutes late to work; the boss is very liberal concerning that.  I will just stay over before I leave this afternoon.  

While I am driving to the restaurant, I hear on the radio that the casulty figures from Hurricane Paula may be in the thousands.  Rescue workers are working at a feverish pace to locate survivors.  President Guliani will be making his way to the region to have a first hand look at the devestation.  In other news, oil prices have risen to record heights amid the destruction left behind by Hurricane Paula.  I just then realized that I needed to get some fuel.  Prices for hydrogen hovered around $1.50 per cubic centimeter, lower than it has been recently, despite the recent hurricane.  

Once I arrived at the restaurant, a new waitress gretted me. Her glistening blue eyes and her radiant red hair were as vibrant as a flaming torch.  She crossed the floor as graciously as a gymnist would a balance beam.  She was a bit shorter than I, around 5' 4".  Carring a menu in her hand, she walked over to my table.

"Hi, my name's Kim and I will be your server this morning...how's it going?" she asked in a calm, yet somewhat enthusiastic demeanor.  

"Okay I guess," I replied.

That was my standard answer to any question asked of me pertaining to how I am doing. I was acting like I didn't show any interest to the situation, but inside my heart was racing like a person in a hurry to get home to get a popsicle.  Her beauty was hard to ignore, just as it was hard to keep a secret about how much I admired her glowing personality.   

"Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Umm well, I think I will have a glass of OJ--I mean orange juice."

"You seem quite nervous.  What's the matter?"

"Nothing, it's just that, well...."

I began to sweat bullets.  I didn't know what to say or how to say it. She was beautiful, but everytime I ended up complementing a girl, I ended up on her bad side.  I don't know what it was.  This time, my feelings are exceptionally genuine.  I must complement her.  Taking risks is something I have recently learned to become comfortable with.

"You look extremely well this morning, and, well, this morning is different for me because it is my birthday."

That couldn't have came out any worse.  It sounded like I wanted to make passionate love to her right there in the restaurant.

"Gosh, it is your birthday!  Well, happy birthday!  You are so sweet.  Most people usually try to come on to me with a lame pick up line, but you actually complemented my looks honestly.  I am actually flattered."

I tried not to let my jaw hit the floor.  I took a risk by complementing her attractive physique, and she appreciated it.

"I usually try to complement someone's beauty when I see it, and I just can't tell you enough how great you look," I replied as I was still shocked about how responsive the waitress was about my complement.

"You are really nice," Kim replied. "I will be right back with your orange juice."

As Kim walked away I got to thinking that I may have a chance to get to know her better.  Before today I have never really had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months.  I never seemed to understand why the people I dated lost interest in me.  The people I dated never gave a real reason either; I was left hanging wondering what I done wrong.  This felt different, however.  

..............

My first week at NASA has been fun.  Since I don't really know that much to be of much use, I haven't really been working on any projects.  I think my boss is getting me prepped for a project that hasn't started yet; a warehouse expansion.  So I have been reading up on some material pertaining to that.

There are three or four eating areas for MSFC employees.  One is a cafeteria, two are 'grills' where you order your food, and one is an all-you-can-eat buffet type place.  The food is good at two of the places I have tried out so far, but unfortunately, the cafeteria is a bit pricey.  Still, it's better than the UAH cafeteria.  Just about anything is better than that, after all.

Every building on Redstone Arsenal has a number, and you'd better know that number, because that's the only thing that buildings are identified by.  You can't talk on a cell phone while driving on the arsenal either, and you'd better not speed on the arsenal.  From what I hear, cops will pull you over for doing as much as five over the posted speed limit.  I am glad I have not found this out yet, and I am hoping I won't find out either.

My goals are as follows:

1.  Do well at NASA
2.  Make an A in Statics
3.  Keep my financial life in order
4.  Improve my social life, hopefully get a girlfriend.

There are three people in my life that mean more to me than anything else on this earth, and two of those people have not spoken to each other in ten years.  My aunt and my mom have quite literally hated each other's guts ever since a nasty custody dispute arose involving me when my mom married a long-lost guy (another story, another blog post).  Long story short: my aunt has resented my mom for putting this guy before me, and there are probably various other reasons for the two to hate each other that I don't know about.

My grandmother, the other most important person in my life, has been a nervous wreck about the two of them.  She or I can't mention one name in front of the other without one getting offended or mad about it.  Holidays are either spent with one family member or the other; as of now it is impossible to get either of them to talk over the phone, much less be in the same room.

My grandmother has tried to get one to speak to the other but to no avail.  Tonight I have been laying here in the bed thinking about what is going to happen when my grandmother passes away (I hate to think about it, but I know that day will come sometime).  The two of them will have to confront each other then.  It would be terrible and unfathomable for my grandmother's memory to be clouded with her two daughers fighting over something that happened over a decade ago.  I have decided that it would be in everyone's best interests for me to attempt to get the two on speaking terms with each other.  Maybe if it came from me I could get both my mom and my aunt to at least attempt to speak with each other. 

I don't know what I am going to say either.  Needless to say, it is going to be a delicate balancing act to convince both sides to bury the hatchet.  However, for the sake of my family and for the sake of the happiness of everyone within it, I think that it is my duty to at least try to make something happen.  I will keep you all posted.

These past few days I have become more and more desperate.  The person I have been seeing has seemingly become less and less interested in seeing me or even talking to me.  As a result, I have basically given up any hope of a relationship working.  What was sad (or maybe a blessing) is that the affair did not last but a month, and we never got close at all.  There was never really a connection to speak of.  In the end I remain single and more desperate than ever to no longer be single. I don't know what I did wrong here; the girl did not tell me anything, or will not tell me anything.  If I don't know what's wrong with me, how am I supposed to address these things? 

I figured that girls want a guy that would watch movies and relax and just sit around and talk.  I thought that girls would want a guy that is there for them and would do anything and everything for them.  I thought that a girl would be happy to see me and could not wait to see me.  Above all, I want a companion in life that I can share all of my thoughts with.  Someone to console when she is sad.  Someone to share a joke with.  This goal seems out of reach right now.

Here over the past few days I have been browsing on here looking for people that seem nice and easy to talk to.  I sent a few people messages saying I was interested in talking to them, but I think that everyone I sent messages to freaked out or just was not interested in talking to me, a complete stranger.   It is hard enough to put my dignity on the line by asking people I don't even know to talk to me, so with no positive respones yet, it seems like a complete waste of time.  Why is it so difficult for me to find people to talk to?  I have just been wanting to have people my age around me lately, anything to break the monotonous string of days I sit at home by myself. 

Due to the increased ability to customize the look and feel, as well as speed, I will now be posting all of my blogs on Blogspot. 

Well, I am a dumbass.  I went to get some food earlier, dropped it off here, and went somewhere.  When I came back, I thought "Hey, this is wrapped up, perfect...I can put it in the microwave."  Needless to day, I shouldn't have.  Immediately after pressing start, the wrapping proceeded to glow this bright blue color, and I heard this "buzzzzzzz" sound. Immediately afterwards, a small flame appeared on the wrapping.  I rushed over to stop the microwave and put out the flame.  The flame did not burn the burger inside.

Lesson learned I guess, but I should have known better.  Now I am laughing at myself.

I am glad that I decided to at least bring my laptop home with me.  I have been playing Super Mario Bros 3 and Super Mario World since I have been home.  My left hand is ever so sore from the increased activity, but it is sure a fun way to blow away the oodles of time that I have here at home until Christmas, my first real event of the vacation.

I hope that everybody is having or will have a great Christmas break.  I am certainly trying to make the best of mine (sleeping in is a great example).

Now I am off to sleep, then off to see if I can discover the Star Road or if I can defeat Big Bertha.