11-27-05

John Doe, written 11-23-05

Third times a charm
It's the 2nd time I've slept over JD's place, but the 3rd time we've actually seen each other. I feel like I've been through a marathon of master's pilates classes (if there is such a thing) - more on that later.

JD must've watched "Talk Sex With Dr. Sue" this past Sunday (I know he didn't - I described her to him, "Your granny, who's an expert on sex, she takes viewers calls and reviews sex toys", he'd never heard of her.) because he seemed to be following some of her advice. Some guy called in because his wife wanted to get involved with anal play. On him, not her. Sex Granny pulled out a huge butt plug (not the part that John references), says that it's huge and he'll want to use a smaller one, about 2-3 finger width, but first she needs to find out if he likes it. She suggests that his wife slip a condom over her first three fingers (JD skipped this part), add lots of lube, check, stick in 1 finger, check, then 2, check, then 3, check. [on me, not him]

Telling me to relax doesn't make it so. I knew what was coming next. I let him lube his dick, then told him I didn't want anal sex. His response: something like 'let's try it until you say stop'. My response: "Stop!" JD-"That quick?" T's thought bubble - 'did you not understand me the first time?' He says he'll go for ..1 then (vaginal). I should have had him wipe off the lube, though it's not the warming kind. (It looks like a little bottle of hand sanitizer.) I think this is what caused my scorching yeast infection 2 weeks ago (the last time I had sex) and lord knows I don't want to go through that shit again. I took two cranberry pills, drank a glass of cranberry juice, irrigated myself in the shower and rubbed on a mineral oil/tea tree concoction. If I get an infection [I did], that's going to throw a serious wrench into my plans with/for M this weekend [it didn't].

I promise I will wear a condom if you spare me this time. It's Thanksgiving, allow me to give thanks for having a healthy vagina. Now can we work on the pain. My3* yo, 3* in 7 weeks, cunt does not produce enough lube. Shit! I'm damned if I do (lube=yeast infection) and damned if I don't (no lube=painful, dry sex). (Addition - anal sex must be a big thing [duh]. 20 min. of "Talk Sex" tonight and two people have called in asking how to do it. She gave the same 3-finger advice. One she told to use a condom. The other, a glove.)

11-28-05

From 11-24-05
So much for giving thanks-time for more cranberry.

This sucks! How the fuck did I get here? Oh yeah, Craig's List Casual Encounters. Well, an experience is an experience, though I sometimes wish that I was just the reader here and not the writer. M has really put me through some shit. I told him (months ago) that I've gone through more bad with him than the man I was in a decade-long relationship with. The latest - I haven't written about it (still on the last sex marathon), so here's an earlier bit that'll give a little insight into just how screwed up my life has been with him. (I'm pretty much in the same spot right now; it's a vicious cycle. I could write the same thing, just change the date.)

Let me say this - I saw it coming. From the beginning I knew this would end badly. Problem is, it keeps restarting, then ending badly. How many times have I gone through this? For what? He gives me nothing, expects everything in return, is unreliable, and things aren't that great even when they're good. At least it gets easier (to let go) each time. Our relationship was not meant to be a sexual one. Yes, we met on Craig's List, but it was for a whole other purpose that I may, or may not, explain at some later point. Instead of repeating some writing from my various low points with M, I'll bookend our first two encounters with our last two (then I'll move on to someone else for a bit, I promise).

9-5-06
ARRIVALS & DEPARTURES

Awkward....a little
What do you say to the man who stopped talking to you 5 months ago, who says he loves you [you're his muse], who you've barely stopped thinking about since [but managed to, until he popped back into your life]? Huh? - Hallmark couldn't help me. There wasn't a rush of emotions or sense of familiarity running through me, like before; I just felt blah. There was that same smile at the door, the "what's up?", but was I happy to see him, to be there? Not yet. I looked around to see what had changed - 2 blue barstools at the counter that match the pendant lights he hates, a plank of bent plywood in the living room with notches cut out on the side (he said it was yoga equipment [he said he doesn't do yoga] he got at a garage sale. I got on it backwards and said it was a sex toy. He laughed and said he hadn't used it yet. Really, I think he got it because it's a nice piece of wood, it looks like sculpture or a modernist chair.), nothing changed in the bedroom, DAMN! (later, I noticed he got a bigger box to put is tv on), the second bedroom was set up like an office (his broken desk chair, some table on top of 2 little Ikea dressers, and his huge monitor. Oh there was a photo printer, that's new), nothing different in the bathroom (the same candles burned down a little lower, still no glass front or shower curtain on the tub).

Party?
I'm gonna make this quick so that I can get to the good part (read:sex). We went to Dr's party. I immediately knew I wasn't going to like it - it was a hoe-down (the last chance to wear cowboy whites, which I didn't have). I'll expound later [maybe], but for now - we came, we saw, we left.....quickly.

THE REAL PARTY

I've Seen This Movie Before
After/while ditching Dr's party, I say we should go see the Almodovar movie I wanted to check out. M didn't want to, then maybe, then tomorrow. Tomorrow? I tell him I was planning to drive back home that night. M- "There's still time." I ask where we're going. M - "back to my house." It was 7:30, the movie was at 9:30. He pretended like we were going to hang out for an hour before heading out to the theater. Ha! Out comes the little green baggie - we all know how this night/morning will end.

Let's Get It Started
As soon as I walk in and sit on a barstool, M props my feet up on the other one to remove my sandals - he says they're too loud. I never know how things get started - I know the baggie came out, he started cutting, asks me for a bill, I hand him a soft $10, switch to a crisp $20, though I'm afraid I'll leave it, he said the 10 spot was fine, but I insist. I guess we did our first line right away. I raise up on my stool and lean over the counter, but I couldn't reach the end, so I had to get up. This is where it gets fuzzy. We ended up in bed, watching TV, was it porn or MSNBC? I don't know when the porn show began ( a DVD made with 3 movies featuring anal. No. 1 was one girl with two men, I think I watched that one twicce. No. 2, two girls, one guy, and giant anal beads, I tried not to watch. M said it was hot when one girl sucked the guy's dick right after it came out of the other girl's ass. He could have kept that to himself. No. 3, two girls, no guy, I didn't watch this one, neither did he [not that he didn't try]. I don't get playing porn while you're having sex. He's only into porn when he's high, who knows how often that is. Sun. he said he hadn't had coke in a long time. Ummhmm.

I Like Your Haircut (he said it was awesome, 9-20-06)
Okay, so somehow we made it to the bed (I just remembered that I used to call it Calvin Klein Island), of course we made it to the bed. He talked about a couple movies to replace my Almodovar, but I don't think he found any of them for us to watch. "Come here baby", he says and pats his chest as he's laying on the bed. I obliged (did you think I wouldn't?). I cuddle next to him. He says he wants to feel me, not my clothes, or some such nonsense before proceeding to to unhook my jeans and slide them from my legs. I didn't have time to protest (not that I would have), but I did on the next point. He tried to take my underwear, too, but I wouldn't let him. Instead, he had to contend himself with pulling them to the side and slipping his tongue inside. (Note to self-protest more often.) It felt insanely good, like it was forbidden or he had to work harder to get his prize. FYI - the underwear were nude mesh, v-cut hipsters with a tiny black bow in front. If you looked at me just right, I'm sure you could see my everthing. I didn't even bother to cut the tag out of the back. Now that I think about it, they're shaped just like the shaking booty in the old Underalls ads - cute. I don't know if it was his tongue or fingers that noticed first. M-"I like your haircut", smile. I smile back, but don't say anything. Later, when I'm completely exposed, I look down at the sculpted patch I left myself with and ask if he likes my triangle - he does, duh. When he first took my jeans off and I laid down next to him, he kept squeezing my ass, moaning as he let his hands get lost beneath my undies. M-'Oh God, I missed this, I love your body', or something similar.

9-7-06
Likes Me, Loves My....

Breasts
- My white sweater has an attached tank and shelf bra, so I didn't wear anything else underneath. Getting out of the car to go to the party, I feel a bit self conscious and say, "you can see my nipples". M - something like, 'that's a good thing' or 'oh, that's great'. T-"For the world to see?" M-"oh". T's thought bubble-'Not such a good thing now, huh? You may not be the only one turned on by my erect nipples'. Later, in bed, he pulls my sweater down at the neck, saying he has to see or has to taste, exposing my left breast to his lips, moaning.

Ass
- Asked me if I've been working. I couldn't really understand. T-"Did you ask if I've been working or working out?. Turns out he was asking about the 9 to 5. His hand on my ass, squeezing, he does ask if I work out. T-"not really". M-"Oh, you're so firm".
- For the, like, 3 seconds that we watch the girl on girl video, I catch a glimpse of one of the girls bending over. M says she hs a nice ass, or fat ass, or nice, fat ass. I tell him that I have a nice ass, too - he agrees.
- Into our second or third session/hour of sex he decides to ask if I like when he licks my ass. I tell him yes, he wants specifics. (This film is not yet rated - which means I couldn't get the NC-17 or R rating that I was hoping for, so I'm biding my time and hopefully gaining popularity, making the rating a null & void subject.) There's no easy way to put this, so I'll just go ahead and say it. I told him I liked it when he put his tongue inside, which he did for the rest of the night (good boy).

Body
- he says it constantly, "Oh my god, I love your body, I miss your body".

Pussy
- that's all I'm saying. Period.

I Want Your Sex
This is the part where I try not to yadda, yadda, yadda the good stuff. I should have started with this subject, considering I was so concerned about forgetting. Truthfully, I couldn't remember on Sun., I guess I was in a cloud or feeling my bliss, or something. Well. It's been three days, let's see if a bit of clarity has come with my sobriety.

Duration: 3.5 hours, approx. We got home at 7:30, fell asleep at 1 am.

Feelings: Excitement - most of the time. Disappointment - that's too strong, more like frustration - he couldn't keep his erection (funny sidebar - I was just listening to Busta's "In the Ghetto" with Rick James as I was writing about M's ED, thinking it was because of all of the coke, which I told him, T-"too much coke", RJ comes on and says, "cocaine is a hell of a drug" - it sure is). Confusion - there was a lot going on, changing rooms, legs overhead, different positions, margaritas, vodka, coke, bath, bed, kitchen counter - that's where the confusion comes in, I hopped up on the counter, just to wait for him to finish his cig, not looking for any action, M freaks a bit, worried about the baggie, I get off, no worries, baggies fine, I'm not. Fulfillment - yeah, that's what I wanted to feel, but didn't or couldn't. Why can't I have an orgasm high? Is it me, M, or the coke? Okay, he ignores direct clitoral stimulation (more concerned with his own?)[I started to wonder if he knew the clit was the key. The last time he did focus, but it was still about him - more, later], but I tried....and, nothing. So, fun and excitement, without the climax. Not what I ordered, but I'm hungry, so I'll take it. At one point, I thought, 'we could stop now and I'd be fine' - I couldn't and I wouldn't have been. Turns out there was some fulfillment, I enjoyed my night with M, he did too.

Positions: Oh my, there were many. Let's see if I can name them all.,

From behind - my favorite, might be becoming M's favorite, too. [it's up there, I asked] He was standing on the side of the bed, I might have been sucking him, I think I asked where he wanted me, from behind, I smiled and got in position. I'm not sure that I can put my finger on why I like this position so much - his reach is deeper, yes, I like when he goes fast and his balls slap my clit, I'm not crazy about the view, though I'm sure he is. It must be that particular type of friction and the fact that either of us can control the movement, there's none of that awkward skipped or double movement when we hand the reigns over to each other, and bottom line: it feels great.

Sideways - M's favorite, I'm not sure if it still is or if we did it, but, most likely, yes. In past instances, he'd anxiously get behind me, pull my right leg up and back, and go to work. I really don't remember having sex in this position on Sunday, but I can't imagine us not doing it, so it stays on the list.

Girl on top - this is something we don't usually do. He was laying down, head on the pillow possibly, I was straddling him, doing my thing, uh...blow job, I look up, M asks if I want to sit on him - I did, and I did. I can't say it wasn't awkward, it was. We're not used to this, but practice makes perfect and I'm really looking forward to getting it just right. j/k. He did the GOT porn move - bouncing me on top of him, hot. When I was in control, I'd lean forward, sometimes kissing him or letting him kiss my breasts while moving up and down on him slowly or sitting down on him and rolling my hips back and forth, sometimes he'd push. It felt great, but a little frustrating, he kept losing his erection, making it hard to get and keep a rhythm going. Anyway, I did the porn thing where they lick their fingers and wipe themselves for extra wetness, I always thought it was bs, but it worked, along with the bj.

Sitting down - did we do this, or did I only dream of doing it (because I have actually fantasized about it)? I think I asked M to move to the corner of the bed, me sitting on his lap, reverse cowgirl style, maybe not. I don't remember our feet together on the floor or me bending over with him still inside. Well, if it didn't happen, it will.

9-8-06
I don't remember any other positions, except doing cowgirl, when he lost his erection, I slid off of him, but was still sitting all the way down, he tried to put it back inside. It would have been a cool move, if it worked. Did I explain it right? Instead of going up & down on him, I would have been sliding my body towards and away from his ( a good triceps and core workout). There was one more position, I guess - Missionary, which between M and I, is anything but. Usually my pelvis is thrust up and my legs are in the air or over his shoulders. This is usually the stance I'm in when he gives me oral, which brings me to the next topic.

Oral Positions

- missionary(ish) - I just mentioned this one. Pelvis and legs up, his hands [or pillow] under my butt, his head between my thighs.

- the"I think I'll have another sip" - when leaning over the side of the bed to have a drink, M would follow. Truly one of my favorites.

- the "having a fine time while doing a line"- while I'm standing at the kitchen counter, M touches me, then gets down on his knees to taste me. OMG - superhott!!

- from behind- similar to 'sip', but I'm on my hands and knees. This is usually performed before, during, or after sex from behind. Let's think about it for a sec - my everything is in full view, believe me, M is looking, he loves it, the closet light is on us.... during the act I'm not self conscious at all, now - not so much.

9-10-06

My Turn
- the basic- it gets the job done. M's laying on the bed, possibly spread eagle, I'm to his right side, on my knees, I bend over him and get in place. Sometimes I brace myself with my hands, using my mouth only. I don't need to, sitting on my knees is enough and I can use my hands for other things.

- soft knees - I'm kneeling at the side of the bed, M is standing in front of me, do I have to go on? I think my point has been made.

Friday, M calls. I'm asleep, the phone is near my head, I jump to answer it/stop it from screaming. It's M, sigh. I don't know what he wanted, I was still half asleep. He asks what time it is - about 11 pm. M - something like, "Oh, I thought it was 9:00". He says hes sitting with [his neighbors] (I imagine he's talked about me so much that they told him to call me, already. Later, I ask. No, it didn't go down like that.), he asks what I'm doing, blah, blah, blah. Then he says he's buying cigarettes or about to go buy them, he wants to see me, can he come see me. My dumb ass says yes, though I'm half asleep, in bed, with a slight cold, not in the mood, etc. M - "oh, really?" and "how long will it take drive out there?" [I don't think he said this. We had an actual, though short, conversation before he asked to come out. I had planned on seeing him Sat., but being sleep, I agreed on Fri.]

He says he'll call back in 5 min. to let me know if he's on his way. I get up, go to the bathroom, scare myself in the mirror, and look at the phone. I'm relieved when, after 10 min, I haven't heard from him. Back to bed, ahhh. Jolted up again, M asks what I'm doing. T - "going back to bed". M - "I'm on my way, I take *** to what?". T's thought bubble - 'Shit, what the fuck did I say yes for? Oh yeah, history, since he almost never comes out here.'. It's too late. Why did I answer the phone? Why didn't I just tell him tomorrow would be better. Shit!, it's almost tomorrow. T - "you mean I have to get up?" - I did, and I did. Back to the bathroom for a bikini line touch up and to do something with my hair. I shake my head, looking at myself in the mirror, waiting for the Veet to work it's magic. No changing clothes - pink shorts and top. I crawl back in bed for a few minutes rest, I hope, though I know I won't sleep tonight. Seriously, when we get in bed, I just wanted to talk; talk about where he's been for the past 5 mon.(I did ask - N/A. Turns out it's closer to 6 mon.) [When he first got back in touch, he said he had been in Europe for 3 mon. And the rest?], didn't happen, the usual did - another night of selfish pleasure. I guess when you're good at something you should stick to it - I need a new hobby. Anyway, M shows up, maybe 12:15 am, the bell rings [my dog] goes crazy, I look out the door, he's standing there wearing his glasses, I let him in, sigh. Okay, dude is drunk already. He looks at me, says he likes my outfit, hugs me, putting his hand down my shorts, I think he's going to try to do me right there. In the kitchen, I offer him a drink, he asks me to get undressed - "uh, no". He pulls my shorts down, says he'll get undressed too, makes me walk upstairs in front of him, ass all out, I'm over him already, sigh. [He kind of frightened me with the shorts thing, so I let that go. We argue over who should go up the stairs first. M - "ladies first". T's thought bubble - 'age before beauty' and 'I can't believe I put myself in this situation'.] I'll get back to the how, when and why. For now, I want to continue the topic of positions, since we added a few this weekend.

- sitting down - I know we did it this time, I didn't just dream it. He might have asked what I wanted to do, I told him to move down to the end of the bed, he didn't go far enough, I had to pat the corner (the one closest to the window) to get him to understand. Once in place, I sat on his lap, got back up and leaned over to make him wetter. Back to sitting down, M places himself inside and I start to move up and down on him (damn, I just realized that I forgot to bend over in this position. Oh well, he probably would have fallen out anyway.). This lasted no more than a few minutes, but it was fun while it lasted. M let out some moans, I look back and ask if he liked it. M - "yes", duh. I liked it, too. It was a bit awkward, but it gave a different feeling (tighter and closer) that was well worth it.

- having a fine time while doing a line, pt. 2 - Like the title says, we're doing a line. Actually, right before, M asks me to give him a blow job while he's doing his. 'uh, ok'. I guess I had to get on my knees to do it. (That doesn't happen very often.) He says that he wants to be inside me while I do mine. 'oh ok'. I lean over, I'm too far away, M moves up, still too far away. He gets on his knees before getting inside. Suprisingly, he was able to keep it going, almost a bit too long, as if. It wasn't too long, I was happy he could keep his erection, just too personal. We were doing lines off my dresser (forget that it used to belong to my parents, though I thought about it once), yeah, the one with the big mirror, that I tried to avoid looking into, which brings me to the next position....

- mirror mirror - am I not exposed enough? What, with the from behind and oral with the lights on - guess not. While doing a line (not the same one), M decides he wants to see us in the mirror, 'great'. My hands are on the wall, he trails his hands down my body, it's curved since I'm leaning, I look in the mirror (I admit to myself it's kind of hot), he tells me I'm beautiful and goes down on me. We may have had sex from this position, I'm not sure I don't know if I didn't want to see myself naked or see what we were doing, and possibly have to wonder why.

- the gymnast- M made it his personal mission in life (at least for that night, in those hours) to make me cum. I told him, more than once, that I couldn't cum while I was high. Guess it didn't matter to him, he flipped my legs up above my head and went to town anyway. I made different shapes with my legs and feet - skinny V, wide V, diamond, the circle didn't work. j/k. I was into it, don't get me wrong, there was just so much, M said he could do it all night, I think he really could have. He looks at me [all the time], so I decided to look at him while he did his thing. My ass up in the air, my feet practically touching my head, I watch M's futile attempts to make me explode. [I liked seeing him take long licks and him looking at me looking at him, but, for the most part, I could live without the visuals.] There were tremors, I have to give it to him, finally focusing on me and my clit (I'm not naive enough to think it was all for me, he wanted to prove his manhood by making me shake. I get it, women want the same thing. I don't in these situations, M is able to hold off cumming most of the night.

- 69? - Nope. Didn't do this one either time. Quel suprise.

9-11-06

- Front row, center stage- The dresser light was on the whole night. No problem, I could deal with it since it was at a distance. At some point, M is giving me oral (my head is towards the end of the bed) and decides to turn on the bedside lamp. I commented/slightly protested, saying something like, 'you need more light?'. M replies with a long 'yesss' in his drunk/ **** accent. Okay spotlight time, you're a star T, better get used to it. Oral, and then some - afterwards M lays back on the pillows and looks at me. I'm in the same position, my legs spread open, his fingers touching me, I don't remember what he looked like, if he was studying me, like he tends to do, maybe my eyes were closed, no I don't do that, I can't remember.

- Better wetter [?]- Sunday, I told M not to spit (I should have told him that I don't like the sound, it's a necessary lubricant, I don't have a problem with that). M - "Okay, where's the water?" Turns out he likes spit, that doesn't sound right, allow me to explain. While giving him a blow job, I accidently end up with a liquid bridge between my lips and his dick (yes, a stream of spit, I didn't want to have to say it again). Anyway, it drove him crazy. Seriously, he flinched/slightly convulsed, saying something like, 'oh my god, I love it'. There was no way I was going porn star crazy, letting him see a big goober drop from my lips. Besides, we were well into our third hour and because of the coke, I could barely swallow, let alone give him a spit show. Confession time: I tried to, just a bit. I managed to make another bridge for him. It wasn't as gross as I thought it's be and, of course, I liked the reaction. What was a bit gross - I think I remember him saying, "I love spit!". Yeah, I'm trying to put that comment out of my head, but I have to admit, his reaction was super hott and I have to see it again. (or, not 9-17-06)

Shit! An hour's worth of work gone. Damn MySpace server and my terribly slow typing. Add to that my sticky 'c' and the need to over edit. Enough bitching....on with the show.

- Into the darkness - all good things must come to an end sometime, but not necessarily soon. M says "let's go to sleep", he says it at least three times. What stopped us? - Us. He kept touching me, though I was as dry as a bone. No prob, that's what mouths are for (aren't they?). He'd wet his fingers before plunging them inside (I layed there, enjoying his efforts, feeling a bit of pain [it was one of our marathons, almost all of them are], thinking it was worth it), before plunging his tongue inside, before he couldn't take it anymore and had to be inside of me himself. We never do it in the dark [let me reiterate, N E V E R]. It was a nice change, feeling for what we couldn't see. Missionary-ish, from behind, oral, no visual.

- Take it Lying Down - this title could also work for the next position, but I'll come up with something different for that one. So, at M's on Sunday, somehow, I'm laying down, he's kneeling next to me (don't ask me what we were doing moments before, I don't remember), in perfecct position. I nestle my head between his knees and take him in my mouth. He gets in position, too. He relaxes back so that he can watch me. It's a bit unnerving, being studied. What is he looking for? Technique, my expression, what? Maybe it's the visual combined with the sensation of touch. Yep, that's probably it.- Face Up or Open Wide - (I really can't come up with any more cutesy names for fucking.) We've done this a few times, the first, at my house, this last time, at my house, again. M leads the way, he leads me to the edge of the bed, he asks me to turnover on my back, I know what comes next - a mouthful. I've described it before - it's different, fun, not the best method to get the job done[if you want to finish], but it's exciting, nonetheless.

Enough with the sex, already. No, I can't believe I'm saying it myself, either. Friday I wasn't ready for M, I was still thinking about Sunday, now I'm in sexual overload, as if. I haven't called M since Labor Day weekend. He called me the Monday after the I first saw him again and last Friday (a booty call, but, no less, a call. When he got to the house, or maybe before, on the phone, I told him what it was -after 10 pm=a booty call. The fact that he thought it was 9:00 doesn't count. He disagreed, of course, saying something like, 'oh no, I want to see you'. T's thought bubble - 'yeah, and fuck me'. No, I wasn't that cynical, I just knew that with him coming over at midnight, we weren't going to sit up and have some deep conversation. I had already been asleep and I was looking forward to going back to bed. M's intentions were clear from the moment he walked in the door.) Now, I'm kinda thinking that I want to call him. Before, I had nothing to say. Today, I just want to share some time. Can he do that? Can he be there for me whether he wants to at the moment, or not? He couldn't or wouldn't previously; I'm afraid to ask now. Perhaps, that's why I don't call, a fear of being rejected. Later/7:15, I called - N/A and his voicemail was full (as always). 'Make no plans' - my old mantra, guess I forgot. I was too busy thinking about spending the night with M tomorrow after work. Crazy, yes, but I dont plan on doing anything crazy, I just wanted to lay with him. Sometimes, we all need the comfort of someone to sleep with [him spooning me, hand brushing my breasts, his breath on the nape of my neck - comfortable, safe, at least for the night]. I had it the other night. I want to say that I took it for granted, but I didn't. We held each other and each others hands, like always.

9-24-06

I'm writing this now, no notes. Guess I'll have to do the reverse and record this passage in my notebook. Back to wanting to spend the night with M. I wrote that on Tuesday, Sept. 12, for Wednesday. Well Wednesday came, I wasn't going to M's, since we didn't talk the night before, and I had no plans to call him. I did end up calling, I had been blindsided and needed to reach out to him (and have him reach back). When he returned my call, I was having lunch with a coworker and couldn't really tell him all of what was going on. What I did tell him - that I needed to talk, not about him, just about me, I had a problem, I needed him. I asked if he could be there for me. M - "yes, of course". Later, when we talk, I try to ask for what I want without really giving him too much info. I ask what he's doing later, tell him that I'd like him to come out and spend the night with me, sleep with me. Classic M - he has some appointment later, not sure when it will end, let's talk in an hour. I missed my train home and had to wait awhile for the next one. I'm standing on the street, practically in tears, he calls. He says his back hurts. I say, "I might have cancer, so I win". M - silence, then, "you don't have cancer". T - "Thanks for the diagnosis, Doctor." Earlier, I told him I was having surgery, a small,out-patient procedure (for the second time), but it's still called surgery. M - "oh if it's small.....". Does the word 'small' make it less important? Does it shrink my fears? Hell, mothafuckin' naw. (How the hell do you right that? But, you get my meaning.) He's really the last person I would contact when I really needed something, but the only one who'd fill the bill for what I needed at that moment. (The first time I had this done, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't want them to worry. This time I couldn't go through it alone, so I told two friends. They asked what they could do, if I needed a ride, if I needed them to bring me lunch afterwards. T's thought bubble - no, I need to be held and you can't provide that.) I planned to tell him I need a friend, not a fuck buddy. I never got the chance, I haven't talked to him since. He shows me, over and over, what a self-absorbed asshole he is, this time it'll stick, for sure. Before, it was missing dates, messing up a holiday together (complaining about his money situation, again), fucking me over on my birthday, I put that all to the side, though I haven't gotten over it. This time it's super personal - my health for goodness sake. The least he could have done was say that he couldn't make it, but he was thinking of me, or call me afterwards to see how I was, but we're talking about M here, this is his classic MO (disappearing acts). I get it, I'm done, again.

I'm looking over my sexual relationship with M, this is going to be so thrilling to read when I'm 80 and all dried up, but now it's a bit hard to take. (You'll see why, later.)

.. of times we've seen each other - 13
.. of nights spent at his house - 14?
.. of nights spent at my house - 3
.. of times we've had sex - 13 (two were morning afters, so some might say 11)
.. of times with coke - 11.5
.. of good times - 12
.. of times I came - 3?
.. of months since we met - 10.5
.. of months he pulled his disappearing act - 8?

Here are some bits and pieces, so you can get an idea about this guy. There's a lot of writing (3 books total, on everyone, not just M), so I can't repeat the whole story and some/ most things will be out of order. Also, all typos and grammatical errors will be included; they add a little something.

11-5-05
Breathless

Breath-less-uh - like the title song to the Richard Gere movie, which is quite fitting considering M has some of the same qualities that make him so popular. Mainly it's the hair, that not quite pre-mature gray (M is 41) that should have been cut weeks ago and has now grown into that swoopy, shaggy, irresistable style that your hot professor used to sport, and that charismatic nature that is just left of being considered arrogant. Scratch that, he's not a very charming guy, though he is terribly attractive (I'm still trying to figure out exactly who he looks like - he's been told Peter Fonda, I can see it about 5 years after Easy Rider, and Robert Downey Jr., a stretch, but I can see that too.) and he has 'it' - I think 'it' is a combination of the swoopy hair, dressing younger ( I think clothes should be a reflection of attitude, not age, when tastefully done, anyway) and being European - I wouldn't have guessed *****. He's quite cosmopolitan (that's what I was trying to say earlier), not like the drink.

11-11-05
Breathless....again

So...., M. He doesn't look like his photos, his hair is longer, he's wearing jeans, a printed tee and blazer (the Queer Eye uniform), he seems agitated (understandably so), he removes his bluetooth (it's calling me), he's attractive, I don't think we'll hit it off. I'm realizing it's after 10 pm, the last train is at 12:20 - guess I'll be doing my project tonight, afterall. I have my camera but no overnight stuff - anything and everything for art. He was supposed to be at the airport at midnight, so I was off the hook....was. I didn't expect what I got, but I was glad for it.

Before Meeting
- M tells me "you're beautiful". He asks for another photo; 'uh oh', I think, and ask if he plans to masturbate to it - he doesn't, laughter. I send the one of me in Miami 'before I cut off my hair' - always with that disclaimer. Later, I see he has it saved on his desktop.
- Masturbation story- he tells me (Mon?) he almost broke himself, he masturbated to the thought, not photo of me. When I see him Thurs. and we're both a bit drunk, I tell him that I don't masturbate, but I had to (the night before), thinking of him. I think/am sure that this is a turn-on for M.
- On the phone he keeps telling me I'm beautiful. Later, he tells me he loves me or that he knows he will. I ask him about it on Tues - he says he wanted to have sex with me then. (Now he means it?)

First Time
- Says he likes beautiful feet; he sucked my big toes
- has a very cute butt
- kept saying he looked like shit
- Asked why I wore 'that' bra, I don't need bigger breasts. Not the first time I've heard that, proving that all men don't want a Pam Anderson. There are quite a few listings on CL specifically asking for small-breasted women, which proves nothing (can't trust CLers 100%). If I had naturally big, round breasts I'm sure they'd be happy and not say they need to be smaller. Lightbulb! I guess the key here is 'natural'.
- I tell him I hone up to my actions and accept the consequences. [Actually, I told him at lunch after the 2nd time] We had sex the 1st night, mainly oral since neither of us had condoms. There was a bit of intercourse, teasing, that felt insanely great. I couldn't sleep (why later), got up, showered, had tea, tried to wake M. That afternoon we had sex again, we didn't shower again. We did it because when I was laying next to him, clothed, I said I had a flashback of the night before and that got him excited. When I got home I smelled myself and didn't recognize the scent. I guess it was a mix of me and him.
- He says he's suprised we had sex. I question him about this - he didn't think I liked him when we met. (I thought he was quite different than his photos, more attractive even. Well not the 2nd photo with him copying a ******* painting, I told him I fell in love when I saw that.)
- when we left after the 1st night, I was afraid I'd never sleep with him again
- I put on one of his Diesel tees when I get up. He says I like his clothes, I agree though I'm wearing it because it smells of him.
- He has Michael Kors and Davioff (the dark one, Zino?). It's funny, I was just at Sephora and recognized these as soon as I saw them.
- I complain about him sleeping so long; he says he is man and man is simple. I'm not real sure what that means, but it reminds me of Chris Rock - "all men need is food, sex, and silence". (I equate sleep w/silence in M's case since he seem's incredibly social, like he's never alone.)
- After our 1st time, M calls me - he's mad I don't call him enough or I'm not the 1st to call. He says that's our difference ( European and American ways).
- I still want to travel with him. How much fun would it have been to do the project in ****?

Second Time
-M tells me of ex-girlfriends (he broke up 3 mon. ago). One for two years, the other for 3 mon. (last time he had sex, hard to believe.) I ask how long he plans to be with me - "Forever", though he might feel different tomorrow. He asks me - "One day less than forever", he frowns. I kiss him and change my answer, "One day past forever", he smiles.
- guilted me into coming downtown to meet his friend D, called me while he was drunk.
- tells L he's a lesbian, wants to know her whole story, offers her advice from us both (Why us? Because we're older?). She shows him a pic in her phone of C, he asks if she has a dick.
- tries to go down on me in D's bathroom
- D offers to let us stay, because M is past drunk. I say I'm driving, thinking we'll be in M's car, but he still has the hooptie. I'm worried that they'll try a threesome. D tries to go with us, says he'll sit in the corner (and do what? No thanks, party's over).
- I'm missing my panties, don't know in what room they were removed. I wonder if M is keeping them as a keepsake (probably not, he was too out of it).
- I took two baths - one with M, the other without - a short one since he kept calling me to bed.
- I slept 2-3 hours, better than the last time
- While he was in the bathtub, he asked to clean me after I urinated; I declined and hopped in with him.
- He's beautiful. I tell him I love his butt, he reciprocates.
- The first time I was there, I saw a box of Tampax in the bathroom cabinet. Today I notice 2 toothbrushes and a ladies razor in the stand on the counter.
- After my 2nd call from K, which puts me in a somber mood, I ask M if he has any secrets.
He doesn't understand, so I tell him part of the K story (wife & child). M tells me he doesn't, except for his wife and 4 kids, plus he just got out of prison and may be going back soon. I laugh half-heartedly and think he could be telling me the truth - I don't know him.
- I've decided I don't want him to be a stranger, though I'm not sure what I want him to be. We are very different people - he seems to work hard and play hard.
- At lunch, he's staring through me - tells me my eyes are very blue around (cirle hand gesture). I explain why, he says like 'Unbreakable', "exactly", I say. Later, Alicia Keyes 'Unbreakable' comes on, I point out the title and tell him it has nothing to do with the movie.
- I'm suprised he holds my hand in his neighborhood bars. Others notice; I wonder if I'm the girl 'du jour'.
- I said I wasn't going to compromise myself, but what do I do at the first sign of adversity...give in. I told myself I was going to see him Mon. evening b/c L was guilting me into meeting her at the airport. I didn't make it to Midway, too late of a start.
- We're riding in a crappy car belonging to one of his contractors - it's filled with garbage, bashed in and begging to be pimped.
- I'm notorious for making something out of nothing, as in this relationship. My mind tells me to let it/ him go, but since my id has been bound, gagged, and thrown in the basement, I know I cannot.
- He drives me crazy, him wanting me and calling out "Oh Fuck" & "Oh God" sends me over the edge.
- He didn't wash his sheets since the 1st time, I could tell by all the [dog] hair.
- When leaving D's, he tells me that I am sarcastic (just noticing?), I say "yes", like it's a ccompliment.
- 2nd time, marathon sex night & morning. He keeps telling me I taste good. I ask what I taste like - "spring", he says.
- I wake up with bruises - inside my knees, thumb prints on my inner thighs. There are probably some on my ass, the way he squeezed me and the fact that I made him keep doing it.
- I like that he doesn't talk dirty to me; I don't think he's ever used the word 'fuck' (except 'oh fuck!'). On the phone, before meeting, he tells me how much he loves women and that he wants to eat my....he doesn't want to be crude and asks me what the word is. I tell him, and that there is no nice way to say it.
- D asks how long we've known each other - 2 weeks (only 1 in person).
- I think D tried to warn me about M. They compliment and make disparaging remarks about each other. M says D is an architect (he just got $107 or $170,000 for a residential project he's working on nearby) and a weirdo. D says M is the best artist he knows and kind of shakes his head, wondering why I'm with him - I must've blocked out the negative comments. Oh Boy. (D was referring to [another M] as the artist. 7-30-06)
- At the bar with D and L, I tell them the 1st time was for the project, work, now it's personal. M smiles.
- On Tues. M asks about L - "She was big right, you know, heavy?" and "She is really a lesbian?". He thought she was kidding because C is so butch, it really confused him. He calls himself a lesbian, he'd love nothing more than to bury his face in my crotch.

From the second time M and I were together I wanted to have sex sans coke. I wondered if it would be as good, if it would be slower, more like lovemaking, if it would last as long, if it would make us 'normal'. Well, sigh, now I know and I think I'd rather be high. Maybe it was the circumstances surrounding the situation - knowing this would be the end with M, not knowing where things stood in his mind, and getting a bad start to the evening from the beginning.

I kept listening to his voice mail, trying to figure out if he said that he was coming over to take me out or check me out - turned out it was to 'check' me out. What can I say, he was soliciting for sex, not a date.

I almost forgot the best part - he did not show his face in the ad (understandable) nor in the pic he sent me (not so) even though he has a webcam. Sight unseen, I still had to meet him. His voice over the phone was kinda hot, he sounded like a real man. Sat. night I could barely sleep - it felt like Christmas Eve, anticipating what Santa would bring me. Santa brought me a good looking man to play with.

So after a bunch of (almost mood-killing) calls with directions out here, he finally arrived. I was so nervous going to the door - thank god he wasn't ugly. M ccalled him scarface. He was hiding something, just not scars. I have yet to find out what.

How bizarre is it to meet for a Sunday afternoon sexcapade? Can this be considered
a blind date?

He comes to the door and looks relieved when I open it, sticks out his hand to shake hello, then kisses me on the lips - oops, didn't see that coming. We go into the family room and he asks if he can go clean up (he was helping a friend move), so I send him to the shower.

After his shower, we sit on the couch and chit-chat for a few minutes. He seemed a bit turned on and wanted to get to the business at hand (no pun intended). I say "I thought you wanted to check me out?". He says "I have and I like what I see". So we retire to my bedroom for privacy. Mind you, this is all taking place with D and his friend installing a tv in his bedroom. Later, Huge says "I don't think I ever came with 2 old men talking in the background".

The Nitty, the nitty gritty
Upstairs, I let him guide things, saying I don't know how you do this, how do we negotiate...etc. By the way, he says he's only done this once (ok). He gets undressed in front of me while I sit on the bed. Then he joins me, tossing my pillows out of the way and maintain his stroke. I'm sitting there between his legs just watching him, mainly his eyes - there was a lot happening behind those eyes.

I start rubbing his thighs, waiting to be invited to the party. He's cooing, making eye contact, saying how hot it is that I'm so close to him. Finally, I ask if he needs any help - "yes, what kind?". I get up and go to my newly-formed arsenal of erotic accoutrements and emerged with my orange vanilla massage oil (Walgreen's, $5.99) which he refused to use - said he likes the natural feel. (he patted my leg as if to say 'thanks anyway'. Too bad, R will like it.) Turns out natural is better. It felt like one of those watersnake toys, all smooth and rubbery. He said he wanted to feel my breath next to it (guess this was the invitation I was looking for). He got more than my breath, which was, duh, what he wanted.

9-19-06

Women aren't supposed to like giving head, right? I don't... per se, but I love being able to make a grown man lose all control. For about 30 seconds they're all yours - then they leave.

Back to Huge - I kissed the head of his penis and licked around his base (which made him shiver each time) before I put my mouth down on it. Now there was no way to deep throat (remember his ad, 10 inches), but I managed a third or more. Every time I went the deepest, he let out an "oooo" or was it a "coooo".

I still have my clothes on ( white tank and jeans, lavendar bra and thong - more about the thong later) and Huge keeps staring at my chest. Finally, he says he's been thinking about my petite, perky breasts. Then he rubs all over my chest (slightly padded bra) before removing my tank. Then he traces my breasts, pulls me cclose to him and unhooks my bra - smooth move. Mind you, this is all happening on Sunday afternoon - in full daylight!. Talk about exposed. More tracing, then caressing, then a bit of nipple sucking. I didn't feel like I could completely let go. A- I don't know this guy. B - the whole situation was a bit creepy (no 'I told you so's'). C- It's Sun. afternoon and I'm completely sober (not that I need to be tipsy, but it helps in such situations).

OK, passive-agessive request. H-"These jeans are killing me." T-"Are you asking me to take them off?" T's thought bubble- 'Just fucking ask for what you want!'. Anyway, I'm a bit reluctant because my new thong is a wee too large and baggy. I had to wear it because the heart-shaped jewel sticking out of my jeans is so hott. So, I unbutton them, still sitting in front of huge, I lift up, start to pull them down and make him work the rest of the way with his feet. Thank goodness I do yoga planks. We both laughed at this situation.

Damn!! I liked kissing him. Tongues are so hot during sex. I'm not sure if I already said this since I'm writing a day later now, but I kept wondering what the hell we were doing on CL - he's completely datable under normal circumstances. Oh, that's right - loves to masturbate and is probably married with kids. He drocve up in a van, I can't say that it's his, he was helping a friend move and there was still a fridge in it.

Jeans are off, big thong next. Ooh- must be my turn now. More nipple play, kissing and finally, some tongue action. I admit it, I was a bit uncomfortable - to me this is the most intimate act and I wasn't prepared for it...completely. I wondered what every woman wonders - 'Am I fresh enough?'. He could probably sense my apprehension- god, I hope not. He then gave me the finger. Ha ha, I made a funny. Anyway, he's doing what I normally love and then tells me, "it's tight, it's so tight". I'm not sure if he felt that this was an asset (pun intended), he seemed to look at me for an explanation.

Throughout this whole exploration, I remained very quiet, I wanted to see him do his thing and kind of let things flow. If there's a next time, I'll take more control. So his thing, unbeknownst to me, was an exploding cum show. OK, anal bedding T - I died a little when he put his naked, though freshly-showered, butt on my duvet. Now, the thought of having to search for bits of his DNA to scrub up was almost too much to bear. Huge looks up at the ceiling and the wall behind him. 'Why?', you ask - Checking for valuables. T's thought bubble - 'Excuuussse me!' - notice the hand on the hip and neck craning. What the hell is about to happen? Where the hell is my ladder? Anyway the show starts - it did go up a foot or two, but my celing was never in danger. Is that it?, oh. I grab some napkins and start to clean him up. Who is this woman? I always cringed and made B do the cleanup. It was his cum, so.... In the back of my mind, I knew I'd bag and tag the napkins. I also photographed the scene, like I was on CSI. Guess who my partner'd be? Gary Dourdan - husband ..2. So after Spoogefest 2005, Huge asks if I have a washcloth. T-"yes, in the bathroom". He says, "can you go get it?" a bit too curt for me. I say I have to get dressed and put on my tank, grab some clean undies from the drawer (damn, I forgot about the mirror - he was probably, no definitely, watching me), and pull on my jeans. When I come back, he's standing next to the vanity, takes the washcloth and wipes his b..b..body. I watch him; all is forgiven. He gets dressed - navy briefs, gray athletic shorts and navy tank.

What comes next. Huge starts talking about my work. Excuse me, now you want to talk. Dude, you just, almost fucked me. Now, I'm supposed to conversate like normal? Backtrack - almost fucked, because when he was about to unload I said something like, 'are you sure?' (when i was thinking, 'don't you want to hold that until you get home?'). His response, "unless you have a better idea". T - "I do, it depends on how far you want to take this". H - "I don't want to take this any further". T's thought bubble - 'excuse me? what do you mean you don't want to have sex with me? I know I answered your sick ad, but remember my magnum ad. You've got a lot of fucking nerve; why the hell do I want to watch you cum?'. T's actual - rubbing Huge's thighs, smile turns to straight line (guess that's it).

So back to the conversation afterwards. I sit down at the computer and move some music arouncd. He looks at the article about me in ********** Magazine, I explain it to him a bit (reluctantly so) then he talks about New Orleans and a bunch of other shit that I can't focus on because OMG!!!!, I just invited a strange man over to my house for sex (BTW, I haven't learned my lesson and plan to hook up again). We go downstairs and sit on the couch and talk for a few (I listen, mostly). I remember something about him living in California for maybe 6 years and missing the cold and snow during the holidays. I manage to string a sentence or two together about how I'd like to dress cute for New Year's and wear open-toe sandals. He then looks at my feet, which are propped up on the coffee table, for an uncomfortably long time - good thing I gave myself a pedicure last night. He says he has to make another stop and has to get going. After a few minutes, he finally gets up. He grabs my big toe along the way - how cute, another possible fetish (I guess he'll want to cum on my feet). Maybe he was having a 'Boomerang' moment. Remember Eddie Murphy checking out his date's feet to see if they were pretty or not? (I hope Lela Rochon had a foot double, because those toes were fugly).

So. I walk him to the door, sit on the buffet table and wonder what to say. 'Uh, thanks for the near fuck, have a safe drive back to your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother'. He kisses me, I forgot what he said. I say, "do it closer", or something like that and pull him close to me for a better kiss. It should be mentioned that I pulled him in by his fanny pack. Yeah, you heard me right, fanny pack. Suddenly it's 1985 and he's my mother at Disneyland. Dude, where's Cinderella's castle already? Ribbit. OK. Dude, did you leave your purse at home? Suggestion - wear real pants, shorts even, with pockets. I know he's a personal trainer, but c'mon. He takes my hand, gives a final kiss and lingers with my hand before exiting and asking how to get back to the expressway. I'm not sure what I expected or what I feel - I'm feeling a slight bit empty, but mainly because I'm not sure what will fulfill me right now. I want to have sex (and I will with R tomorrow), but I am still a woman. I may have presented myself as some kind of freak, but damn!, you need to call me the next day or, at least, email me. Dr. Drew said on his sex show the other night, "Don't date the one you're most attracted to, they're going to have all the wrong qualities" (which is probably why you're attracted to them in the first place). "Date the one you're kind of attracted to." Good advice - but seriously, if I love chocolate, strawberry just won't do. OK, maybe the analogy is unnecessary, who's going to say, 'Sorry fine guy, who I think will give me the most amazing-looking children, I'm gonna go date that nerd sitting by himself in the corner - try again, Dr. Drew. I am extremely attracted to Dr. Drew, along with Danny Deutsch and Anderson Cooper (because of the not-quite premaure gray). I have to be attracted to the man I'm with. I wonder if his theory holds up if it's "just sex".

Let's get right to it - these chronicles are totally real.
Last year I found a new friend, his name is Craig. Like our pal Tom, he's friends with a lot of people. I'm not going to bore you with tales of how he helped me find a job, sell some of my extra furniture or buy computer accessories. What I will tell you about is all the men that Craig has fixed me up with. There haven't been that many, less than a dozen, but I've chosen to write about all of them. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, my accounts will always leave you with a smile on your face - whether you can relate to my story or are just happy that it happend to me and not you. You'll get to read bits and pieces of what I've written over the past year, along with what is happening now.

Here's the first thing I wrote:

9-18-05

It's Only Sex Right?
I'm not sure what I want or expect from my Craig List's experience.
Today I met Huge (his email name). I answered an ad of his last Friday, Hung 4 U tonight-
no joke. The photo he showed was the typical CL dick pic, the text said he was 36, bi-racial, perpetually hard, looking to play (masterbate) in front of a single woman or group. Oh, and it mentioned something or other about being blessed with 10" - of course I had to see for myself.

After a week of emails, him asking for pics, me describing what I want, 1 drunk email from me after my first 'date' with R, I sent the final blow. Friday's email to Huge -
You coming over tonight?
I want to see what you do.
this was about 2pm. Wait...wait...ribbit.
Finally a response - "I was very busy, just checking email now, blah, blah, blah. I didn't realize you were inviting me over.....SHIT! I'll call tomorrow and set something up."
We did for Sun (9-18-05), around 1 pm.