I used to post blogs and people used to tell me they were interesting. I dont post them any longer. I have a hard time imagining that people find them to interesting but also sometimes I dont fucking care. Its fun to type and bullshit, and it feels like maybe my blog is the only part of this preposterous myspace thing that reveals anything at all about me. I mean I made up all the movie and songs and tv shows in my interests, and my "about me" says NOTHING about me.

Jamie Hewlett and Ron Bennington really are my heroes tho, so there.

My life has gotten overly complicated in some ways. Its very distracting from creativity. Is that selfish? I wonder if I am selfish for wanting to cut most of my strings in this world and moving to a mountain to write and draw my stupid little stories and keep them in binders until years from now when someone finds my dead body and the universes i created on paper.

But I do enjoy friends, and family, and love and life and all that shit so thats a fucking dichotomy isn't it?(apparantly i love swearing and spelling errors too)

I've made some really good friends lately. Its really great. I feel rich in friends. I hope that the drama in my life isn't all my fault, and plan on getting rid of it if I can. Its annoying.

But its alright. As i come through a long funk I remember, fuck it. I can only do this once, and i might as well enjoy it. And I am trying to stick to my New Years Resolution to not back down to challenges. Already doing well, as I am in the process of writing my script FINALLY!

My QUOTE OF THE DAY is song lyrics. Its a stupid popular song, but i love the lyrics. They make me happy. Thanks for being my friend if you read this. It does mean a lot to me, really.(the friendship, not the reading this. Most of this was bullshit that was just good for me to write)

Song lyrics | New Soul lyrics

First things fucking first. Watch and or listen to this.
songs you already know: scared from Posalootly on Vimeo.

Song originally by ZeFrank, at ZeFrank.com, one of the little things in the world that makes a day go down a little easier.

Weird week. Embarassing week. But somehow I get over it.
Kinda mad at myself, but kinda mad at everyone else too, but I am not gonna stay mad, just gonna keep on keeping up, and whatever other catchphrase can comfort me.
Seriously it's easy to discount cliche saying and things of that ilk, but I'll be damn if they don't make me feel better. Like waking up and making faces in the mirror reminding me not to be too serious. That helps, and sure, its silly but it makes my life easier. Just like watching cartoons in the morning make me feel ready to take on the day. Because no matter what happens, at least cartoons excist. And puppies. And songs.

Basically i'm trying to say, that no matter what, the world has its own therapy built in. Just don't forget to take some everyday. Even if it's whiskey.

Mmmmm, whiskey therapy.

CLICHE OF THE DAY: YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD WITH "NO" IN YOUR HEART.


PS. RATATOUILLE is awesome and is my therapy of lately.

So cleaning my apartment I seriously started to feel kinda like I own shit for no reason. I mean possesions are nice I guess, and they are comforting, but I think people are getting a little hung up on owning stuff. I currently don't own a car. Is that a big or bad deal? I don't think so. I am getting along fine with out one, and I hope to buy one when I can, but it don't mean anything about me. But I've had people judge me about it. Girls mostly I guess. But I live and I'm happy so there. I wanna get one. It will make life easier. But will it make it happier. I dunno.

I think possesions mean too much to people and I'm not gonna exclude myself from that giant generality. But when I think about what I have right now, it's pretty damn good. I got a job that I find fun. I have great friends, and I am able to be me. I'm seriously pretty lucky. I don't own the newest X-box, or even probably the newest anything, but if I was able to talk to myself 15 years ago, I think I would be pretty impressed.

Anyways, enough rambling.

The quote for today would be "When you go and get the honey, don't go killing all the bees." I love that phrase. It's from a Joe Strummer song, and yes, there is a picture of me next to a giant Joe Strummer mural in my pics. I hope that I can try to live life like that phrase. Don't go killing all the bee's. I mean possesions mean nothing, and the only things you can really do is hopefully help or entertain people. Life is fun and you're only here once, presumably. So enjoy it, and be honest. To yourself and others. Cuz what good is it to do anything else. Your just wasting time and energy...


At least thats what I think, I could be wrong.

Ben

This is one of my favorite quotes from Deadwood. Seriously, everyone should watch this show. It's the greatest thing ever. Quick pop in. Hopefully somethings big on the horizon.

Today, I was sitting on the subway with one of my best friends in the whole world, Andy Krahnke. It wasn't crowded in the subway car being it was 10PM and most people were home in their beds. We had been drinking and I was talking about the crushing day and the confusion in my head, and of course all was magnified by the fact I ate nothing for dinner and had 4 or 5 beers. We stopped talking and I took a second to look at all the people on the subway car. It was me and and Andy, a cute, straight laced asian couple and a buisness man. The car stopped at a station and a man and a woman got on the car. Their coats and jeans were dirty, and their hair was unkempt. I didn't think they were probably homeless but might be close. The woman walked by and said something plesant, and the man walked by and stopped at looked at me.
"Are you sad?" he asked me. "Are you SAD?"
I was crushed at the time, being my life was spinning out of control in front of me but, I downplayed it. "Yeah, honestly. Can you tell?" Looking up at him for the first time I noticed he was holding a saxaphone. A nice one. His wife kinda awwed me, yet smiled.
"Do you want me to make you happy?"
"I don't think I really have any cash," I warned him. I knew what this was working in the city for a while. I think everyone knew he was trying to get me to give him money.
"DO, YOU WAANT me to make you happy?" he continued not seeming diswayed of my lack of funds.
"I guess, " I said. I ran through my head what jovial sax songs he would undoubtly start up for me in a second.
He reared back his head and took a breath... he looked at me, as if to say "This is for you," and then he.... turned to the asian couple across from me and Andy, playing that loudest most awful notes I've ever heard. The woman jumped up and walked to the door, annoyed and bothered. THe man followed looking at the sax player like he was crazy. He followed them to the door and then hurridly got out at the next stop.
Me and Andy howeled with laughter. THe last dollar I was saving for food was his. Andy reached into his pocket and gave him a 5. We couldn't stop laughing.
"Kiss the man!" he shouted to his wife. She laughed and walked towards me, joking I assumed, and then shy'd away giggling.
"Kiss the man!" he laughingly shouted, and she kissed me on the cheek.
"One More Time!" he said and pushed her into me so she could kiss me again.

And as fast as it started, the subway car stopped and they got off, six dollars richer leaving Andy and I the only people inside. We laughed and laughed and couldn't stop. Andy decided that was so worth his 5 dollars.

I feel better. People care about how your feeling. Even if its in sacrifice for money. I'm alive, and that's all I can expect the universe to bring me. I got it so I'm happy right now. Going to bed. It's late. People will hurt people, people will lie, people will do everything to protect themselves, even at a sacrifice to another, but honestly, the also do a lot of amazing good things too. All of them do. We are an amazing animal, and I hope we don't kill ourselves.


Ben

Quotes of the Day
A person is a success if they get up in the morning and gets to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.
Bob Dylan

If dogs run free, then why not we
Across the swooping plain?
My ears hear a symphony
Of two mules, trains and rain.
The best is always yet to come,
That's what they explain to me.
Just do your thing, you'll be king,
If dogs run free.

If dogs run free, why not me
Across the swamp of time?
My mind weaves a symphony
And tapestry of rhyme.
Oh, winds which rush my tale to thee
So it may flow and be,
To each his own, it's all unknown,
If dogs run free.

If dogs run free, then what must be,
Must be, and that is all.
True love can make a blade of grass
Stand up straight and tall.
In harmony with the cosmic sea,
True love needs no company,
It can cure the soul, it can make it whole,
If dogs run free.

Bob Dylan

People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.

Bob Dylan

Thing's are getting a little to serious in here. I know the stakes are getting higher, but thats no reason to take "it", or myself to seriously. For some reason when I take things seriously it's easier for me to get angry about them, and thats no help to anyone at all, and it doesn't make it any easier to deal with them. I can very easily deal with things while realizing the severity of it but not aknowledging it. It makes everything go a lot smoother.

I just went on a hour and a half walk, I know I walked for an hour and a half because I listened to the 30 minute mix CD I made exactly 3 times.. I don't know how far I walked, my feet kinda hurt, but my mind is clearer, and for some reason, I remembered how bad it is to take everything so seriously. It's easy to get into that circle though. One thing throws you off on thursday night, and you get anxious about it, worry about it, and then it builds for a day. Then saturday morning something else pop's up, and let's say its kinda rediculous, makes you worry, and since you were already serious about something you take that way too seriously. Then it builds and then your not in a good mood, and the littlest thing sets you off for no god damn reason.

Does anyone else realize when this happens to them? I dunno if I am the only one who thinks like this or trys to figure out their moods like this. I need to write a checklist of things to remember and hang it somewhere so I see it every day and rememeber.

1. Don't take it so seriously...
2. Who gives a fuck... really, it's not gonna matter in 5 years...
3. Inspiration comes to prepared spirits.
4. Don't forget who you love, and who loves you...
5. Troubles give you a chance to prove your character.... so prove it.

I could probably add to that list, but it would prolly be redundant. Still it's something I think I need. Maybe I could get it tattooed backwards on my chest so I see it in the mirror first thing.. (or easier, get a shirt that I wear to sleep with it on it)

Quotes of the Day...
"Total absence of humor renders life impossible."
Colette

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
e e cummings

"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."
Edgar Watson Howe

"Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can."
Elsa Maxwell

Here's what I want at my funeral.
1. Hulk Hogan to deliver my eulogy. Not very weepy, just very matter of fact, with lots of "Let me tell you, brothers," and wild hand gestures, and then(this is the best) he Atomic Elbows my casket into the ground.
2. Then from that crater rises a giant statue of me, that has a cannon hand, and and a gun in the other. Make it like Han Solo's gun. And after the ceremony the cannon hand shoots my caskets into the air, and the other hand aims and shoots it out of the sky!
3. Then the masoleum that my funeral is in seals up, trapping everyone I love inside, and a montage of footage of my life plays with Cheap Tricks "Surrender" playing behind it. And then a hologram of my head rises and informs everyone that they need not be sad, for they will not miss me long, and then gas fills the room taking everyone I love with me. Except Hulk Hogan who I let out because if I didn't he'd find a way out and let everyone out with him.
4. Then the wake is in heaven, and I get to be there.

Even with this warning, please still come! It will be great!

Quote of the Day
"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."
MARK TWAIN!

So here I am, home sick for the second day. It's been a good streak, over a year since I was really so sick I had to stay home. I couldn't even move. I felt like crap. Shivering, cold, burning up with fever, with a sore throat and all that other good junk. Of course the first thing I thought of was BIRD FLU, because I am silly, and prone to dramatics. The good thing about being me is that I know I am prone to dramatics so usually I keep it to myself.

Maybe not usually, but often.

It's a cold day outside, yet the sun is out, and I am the only one in my apartment. I havn't been the only one here very many times, and it really gives me a little time to reflect on things. "State of the union" if you will.

My life is way different than it was, say 4 blog entries ago. In all good ways, but not all easy ways. I am engaged now, which is awesome. It's to a girl that, honestly, better than I ever thought was possible. She's so smart and amazing, I can have real conversations with her which to me seems remarkable. Shes gorgeous, funny, fun, and it's really amazing how she fit's perfectly to this strange ideal I had in my head which I honestly thought would be the reason I was gonna be single my whole life. So I decided pretty quick that she was the one for me, and I popped the question. I know she wasn't suprised and she didn't really need any time to think about it. So I got that going for me.

Being in love is fun but weird. I thought I had been in love before but it was a more anxious, frightened, self loathing sort of love. Not to say that I don't think real love has any of that, but it really should be very small. I mean why wouldn't it have that. Your putting your trust and depending on another person both with your heart, and now, with your life. Love is a big responsibliy, but the benefits are great. Besides the obvious ones, one benefit is I had someone to make me soup and bring me juice when I was sick. The kind of stuff you never demand, but love when you get it.

Anyways, I kinda like being sick. It makes you take stock of your life, and it makes you appreciate when you feel good! I don't feel good now, but I am happy, and thats pretty important to me.

Quote of the Day
"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last thest and proof, the woork for which all other works is preperation."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Sometimes it takes one little thing to piss you off. Your walking along and bam, you find it, or it finds you, and there you are. Steaming, mad, not even looking for a way to get unmad. One of my problems is sometimes when I am mad I am so mad I dont even want to not be mad. And then I get mad at myself for being mad and stupid and then it gets worse. And then most of my week is ruined. It doesn't happen a whole lot(i dont think) because of my usual disposition is pretty sunny. But man its funny what if can be that sets it off.

The good thing is that it works the same way to make you smile. Sometimes its just a little text message from my girlfriend(now fiance by the way) and I am happy for a while. Yesterday it was the weirdest thing. I was driving home with my good friend Joe Panico( you have to say his full name, he deserves that kind of respect) and there it was. This lady, huge lady, like 350 or something, wearing little shorts and a tshirt with an american flag on it. She had gross big legs and cankles, he hair in a pony tail and a bright yellow cassette walkman. And she was walking the smallest dog ever. It was like one of those dogs that look like it has eyebrows and a moustache, and the rest of its body was all buzzed short. It was so cute, and it was kinda skipping around these mammoth legs, that must have seemed like redwoods to his tiny frame. The little dog, (lets call him Poncho) was looking up at her as he skipped around her. It just made me feel happy. I mean Poncho was having the time of his life.

This life is flimsy. I dont wanna lose it. I am having a ball and I gots to remember that when I am pissed. The trick is perspective, and I lost it recently, and all it took was lil Poncho and his mommy to remind me.

Ben

Quote of the Day
"It's not the message in your life that counts...it's the life in your message." Mae West