My advert looking for an actress to play the STAND-UP COMEDY CHARACTER "Vaserlan"
Vaserlan Casting - Looking for Actress aged 18-55 to play standup character
I am looking for an 18-55 year old actress/model to play a sexy standup character in THEIR OWN REGIONS
The aim is to promote the character simultaneously across the country [eg GREAT BRITAIN, USA, CANADA, AUSTRALIA, NEW ZEALAND, SOUTH AFRICA] meaning a performance eg in New York could even happen the same night as another one in Miami played by a different actress/model.
Gig as often or as little as you wish to suit your schedule.
The finnished act is on my myspace blog including a heckler putdown.
It is up to the individual actress/model to find open spots for herself. Although, the writer will try to help find gigs.
The writer is open to changes in order to tailor the act to the individual and country of performance.
Please apply now to take part or for more information.
Note: you must be over 18 to apply for this listing.
The writer looks favourably upon applicants who leave a comment on the MySpace Blog.
Payment details: You retain 50% of the money paid to you for each gig.
Payment details: 50% profit share
WOULD EACH INTERESTED APPLICANT PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. THAT WAY YOU'LL GET PROCESSED QUICKER :)
ALL MATERIAL WGAw PROTECTED :)
Age Range: From 18 to 45
The actress would be given 50% of the profits.
Generic white/oriental actress's act [there's also a slightly longer version for black actresses] The black-actress-only material is in green. It's all to do with the Mitchells gag.
VASERLAN
My man Blake suffers from terrible constipation. He came out the toilet the other day looking positively drained. I heard him mutter to himself "Oh, I'm exhausted." And to be honest I was listening to his ... ordeal the whole time. This is what I said to him:
(containing her laughter*)
I must say, you were making some tremendous noises there, Blake.
(pause)
Not enough fibre?
'laughter*' = it should be very obvious that Vn is barely managing to not laugh - this should be great facial comedy.
VASERLAN (CONT'D)
I mean, there was a lot of grunting + groaning: it was like you were trying to give birth in there.
She makes the noises:
VASERLAN (CONT'D)
Arrh - 1, 2, 3, push ...
(comic timing)
(spoofing excitement)
- I can see the head.
(aside: understated)
Yeah ... of the turtle.
VASERLAN (CONT'D)
I mean, many women have compared* childbirth ... to just a rally big poo ...
(pause)
... sans the ... 'bundle of joy'.
'compared*' = My mum says it does compare. Of course, as the product of that birth I don't find that comparison entirely flattering.
VASERLAN (CONT'D)
(smiles: covering up*)
- 'course, I wouldn't know about that.
She smiles more.
up* = would like to have a child but can't.
=======================================================
vaserlan
(covers up emotionally: glances at the toilet then back to Blake)
And to think those silly Americans call it a 'rest room'.
(amused: teasing Blake)
I take it you found your 'rest'
(smiles - amused)
... a little tiring.
(contain laughter - just)
Perhaps you should take the 'rest' of the morning off.
VASERLAN
The Church really does need to modernise: besides toning down the mitres. We should follow the American lead. Over there, the church has become slightly more commercialised: even their bible comes in a scratch-n-sniff edition. Like the TV ads say: "scratch-n-sniff Jesus – smell that holiness". There's some truth in that coz historical sources do suggest he smelt nice – a musk, by all accounts
=============================================
Vaserlan
Men really are inconsistent
(comical annoyance)
(stopping herself from swearing)
... blighters. If you ask one why their lot climb Everest, they'll say "because, it's there." ...
(comical annoyance)
Yes well, the ironing is 'there' but they don't what to do that. They don't want to tackle that particular mountain.
===============================]
VASERLAN
Men really do expect us to whisper such sweet nothings as: "Oh my god – it's like a bollard! You could do me and injury with that thing. You could impale me on it. Split me in two – it's like just SO big."
=================================
ME [AS HECKLER]
(shouting)
Show us your tits.
YOU
No, YOU show us your sixpack, your … 'ripple'. Get your manhood out. Show us the size of your portion.
(goad him)
Well, go on.
(pause)
What's the problem, don't you want us to see your STDs?
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. IMHO
YOU [CONT'D]
Scratch that …
(realisation she's made an unintentinal pun)
(look to rest of the audience)
- Well, he probably does.
(pause for laughter)
No, I mean 'forget that'. Because in order to get STDs you actually have to have sex in the first place. Which, looking at you, … isn't very likely.
(pause then thumbs up to him)
You're as safe as houses, mate. Now go away and work on your personality.
You might also want to buy a copy of nuts* I'm in and wank over that – it's the closest you'll ever get.
(realisation)
I must apologise for that ladies and gentleman … I mean, it's a shameless plug, isn't it.
(pause)
Well, atleast his mum loves him … presumably.
* = whatever. You'll definitely be in the mags
VASERLAN
I bet you think you look good in that blatant "it's all part of the act: don't hit me costume"?
(gesture to the audience)
Benjamin David, everyone. My stooge. What a Herbert. He's always at pains to say he only sounds really Jewish ... well at least that's what he tells Muslims. He's also having a well needed nose job on the 27th. Don't stare at it – you'll only make him self-conscious: I repeat, don't stare at his hooter, stare at
(points to chest)
m ...
(reaction shot: you think better of it)
Your hand is frozen pointed at your chest.
Lower your eyes. Notice the point. Reaction shot.
Look up at the audience'
Shoot ie move your hand away very quickly trying to hide the point.
... I'm not gonna do that pun. I'm pulling out.
(looking into the audience/distance – with peering hand gesture like a sailing ship lookout)
The conditions on the ground say bring the puns home ... they're not welcome.
Look at him in his white coat ... He's not here to sell ice creams. Oh y'know that already. Look at the state of his costume, it's dirty round the neck and those highly suspicious stains won't come out, y'know. How lazy is that? Instead of cleaning the costume he said
(mock my voice)
"Oh just put it in the act. Make a feature of it." He's even holding a script because he can't remember when he comes in with his one line.
(realisation)
Wait a minute, I'm meant to be in character here.
(back on track)
Honestly, "show us your tits" - now why would I want to do that?
Takes off coat.
Because it's for the next bit.
(realisation)
Oh – almost forgot ....
Gesturing towards your figure
Tada!
=============================
VASERLAN
It's simple, I'm a Time Lady a ... Time Gypsy, sorry 'Traveller'., a female alien person who decided to look human. Someone who looks exactly like some ... extremely talented young actress by the name of [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]. Basically, I'm like Doctor Who ... except that ... I'm well written ... and I've got ... boobs: sensible boobs mind not comedy boobs as big as say Bono*'s head.
* = NB on Room 101 it was revealed he avoids paying Irish tax by keeping it offshore. Also he gives very little to charity and I have an Oxfam campaign leaflet that tells him and Geldoff [£26 Million fortune] to put their money where their mouth is.
[will be rewritten to suit or you could be padded out.]
They are a sensible size. [INSERT YOUR SIZE] -cups are still sensible. I mean, I'm not like Jordan ie my cleavage doesn't look like I've got a couple of bald men down there
(pushes bust together)
butting heads. I aint secretly calling this one Phil and this one Grant ... I don't call them my 'Mitchells'. Jordon does but I don't.
(pause)
Well, I imagine she does, I don't want to give the impression that it's her line.
(comical pride)
when it's mine, all mine.
(realisation)
Anyway, back to the exposition. the reason why I don't call them my Mitchells ... is because that couple of big pink tits doesn't match the rest of me. Remember: Phil and grant are whities ... they're crackers. Whereas these tremendous wholemeal baps ... aint. Well they are ... crackers that is.
(realisation)
... I'm not gonna do that pun. I'm pulling out.
/distance – with peering hand gesture like a sailing ship lookout)
The conditions on the ground say bring the puns home ... they're not welcome.
(pause)
Now if you don't know what 'cracker' means ... well tough ...
I aint changing my act. This is a good bit this is – you might not think so ... but I do!
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