Once upon a time in a little town on the coast of a very far away country, there were four friends. Or at least our hero thought they were friends. Yep, the only reason they were really together was the common thread of music that they were sharing and that was binding them. There was the villain (aka The Prima Donna Bitch), the hero (aka Could One Person Be Any More Deluded?), the hero's friend (aka Making A Scene Is So Not Worth It) and, last but not least, the lady friend (aka I Am An Alternative Musician And I Am Deeply Deep). The group, like I said, was brought together by their common passion for music. They met during their years of attendance of the town's music school and they started performing, jamming and hanging out together. All in all, it was quite a happy time but, as it happens in every single decent fairy tale, suddenly something changed. Actually, it is not like something changed, let's just put it this way: suddenly something came on the surface This is the beginning of a sad, depressing, filthy saga that, unfortunately, it is not going to turn out well. The first thing you should know is that our hero was really fond of the soon to be villain. In his innocent eyes she was everything a singer should be: technically prepared, really self confident and not afraid to perform. He knew that maybe she was a little too self confident (meaning that in actuality she was so corny, arrogant and presumptuous that every single student of the school couldn't help but hating her) but he felt such a profound admiration for her that he unconsciously decided to ignore that item. Getting to know her was not easy at all. Her demeanor was basically that of an old consumed diva that if she was paying just the teeny tiny slice of attention to you, you wouldn't have any other choice but worshipping her or apologize for having let her waste her precious time. At that moment, she already had her "army of skanks". In fact, before our hero came into the picture, the other two characters of this story were at her service. Yeah we can definitely say it. He was basically the outsider who naively enrolled at the music school just to follow his childish dream of learning how to sing. Coping with the strain of an unfamiliar and unfriendly territory and with the issue of performing in front of an audience was not easy (okay this is starting to sound like Gossip Girl or better yet, Ugly Betty…) but eventually the hero succeeded in overcoming his trials. The time passed and he finally got accepted by "the army of skanks" and ultimately by The Prima Donna Bitch. Or at least that is what he thought…

Dear Computer,

Today has been kinda awesome! I spent the money I earned with my tutoring stint and I bought a new pair of sunglasses. Okay, that's true. I kinda didn't need them but it was love at first sight so I couldn't resist buying them… It doesn't matter that I am broke now 'cause I am really satisfied with my purchase! I like how they fit, and most importantly, how I look with them on ( and, as you already know, I tend to be on the self-loathing side when it comes to me and how things such as clothes or accessories look on me… so it really is a good improvement for me saying I like how I look with them on!). Anyway, I admit they are not really original as any new starlet in Hollywood or any alternative musician is wearing them at the moment (oxymoron much?? Well, if it's of any consolation at least almost no one in this country is wearing them yet…) but still, I really really liked them so…couldn't help it!

In addition to this hideous shopping story, today I also went to the doctor. I've been feeling dizzy lately for no apparent reason (wait… now I get it: I'm pregnant!!! That's a relief! At least I know is not canc.. oops but hold on! I didn't have sex in the last couple of (21) years and if I remember correctly the male genre is still not capable of giving birth… Bummer! I had already picked out names! What am I supposed to do with them now? The name "Banana" (soo better than "Apple"!) was sooo hip and unique… Whatever… back at square one I guess..).

Anyway, the doctor was really nice and funny as usual, so the visit went smoothly. I kinda have fun every time I go there. And I also get the chance to establish some kind of social contact so it's definitely a win-win situation (even if the doctor gets paid to do that but still…). Going to the doctor is soo the new clubbing! The only thing that's bothering me is that I'm supposed to have my blood tested and let's just say that me and needles… well, it usually doesn't end well. Either I cry out loud at the thing winding up embarrassing myself on so many levels, or the needle fails to do its job (meaning I'm soo tense and nervous that my skin and muscles prevent the needle to go in… and trust me, that is soo not cool!). Yeah, you got me: I'm scared of needles!!! But let's jsut try to forget this image now…

So, I am glad we got the chance to catch up. I know that you work so hard everyday, downloading all those episod… ehm I mean, playing all those songs and surfing all those websites. Yeah man, it is really a tough job! But I am glad that there is you doing it and not some kind of slow, old, lame pc!

Well, it's time for me to go watching yesterday's episode of Heroes so I really have to go now. Work is calling me!

I really look forward to hearing from you,

See yaaaa!

Today I said to myself, why don't log on to myspace and try to write something new on your blog? Well, if you remember last time I was here I told you that maybe I was done with that (meaning the blogging, writing thing) but weirdly today I am really in the mood for some writing. I don't know why, but I am just in the mood. The point is, what could I tell you about? Nothing really happened yet so it's not like I can update you on my last exciting adventures of my satisfying life. Well, I could start off by saying that I still don't have any clue on whether or not my exams will be integrated at my new college. And that is kinda pissing me off, considering I transferred in July and now… well, if my counting is correct… now it's October. I guess the lessons have already begun (yeah it's not like I guess.. I know they have begun 'cause I also checked the class schedule… Duh!!) but since I don't know anything about what I should do, I am (as always) stuck in between. And as you probably know, that is really frustrating. Plus I cannot commute every single day from Ancona to Macerata (also because the coach timetable is ridiculous!) so I really need to know what I have to do in order to organize my engagements and finally start working! But let's stop talking about bad things or I could give you the impression that my only skill is complaining (and that is so not true, I can also be a pain in the ass and trust me, sometimes that is soo much better!). Anyway, let's talk positive! Stupid things first (as usual)! Finally, my favourite tv-shows are back on the air after their summer hiatuses. I can keep me busy watching the new episodes of Grey's, Desperate, FNL, Gossip Girl and other thousands series and stop being bored! That is such a great news for me, seriously! I know it totally sounds like a psyco-freak statement, I know, but (in my defence) my life is really not exciting or great so I need this stuff to keep me going (and after all, it's not like I'm taking drugs or something… but still I'm addicted… mmm…. Should I turn to drugs?? Whatever…). But now let's try to be serious… seriously! (Oh God! Here I am again with the "seriously"-thing and it's so difficult to stop once you have started!)

Anyway, my singing classes are going really well! I'm kinda glad I brushed it up and starting it all over from scratch. Isabella, the teacher (or vocal-coach… I guess that is the fancy way they are calling them nowadays…), is great! She's really good and we also do music theory and talk about music stuff… Yep, really cool! The only thing is that now I really would like to start playing the piano or the guitar but I haven't really planned the thing yet. I really really wanna play! More than singing actually… or perhaps I just wanna be able to play by myself without asking someone else to do it so that I can sing eh eh eh! After all, it's better doing things on your own, especially when it comes to music (everyone has their own music taste and it so difficult to find the right thing to play… Trust me, I know a couple of things about it!).

What else could I tell you? Oh right! My best friend is missed in action! I haven't heard from her in like a month! I hope she's fine there in France or wherever she is… I tried to write to her some emails but I suppose her internet connection is not working. Well, we'll see what happens…

My other best friend is still in England (sooo lucky!) but at least we catch up with each other quite often! ^_^

And that's all as far as my social relationships are concerned…

What else do I've got? My family still sucks but I guess that's never going to change eh eh eh! My uncle told me that I do not have any interests in my life!!! Dude, you don't even know me!!! How could you say I'm interestless??? (I'm not sure that the last word I wrote actually exists in the English language but who cares! You got the point…).

Yeah, I suppose that's really all for today.

It's been a pleasure talking to you computer! And above all, I succeeded in spending and putting behind me another dull Saturday afternoon of this miserable existence in the great, marvelous, fantastic town of Ancona! Awesome!

Well, see yaaa!

I should have killed you myself
It was always a dream of mine
I could have used a little help
But red wine's been a good friend of mine

I got sad news
Take off your shoes
Sit down for a while
A while, a while
Oh

I'm wearing me out
I'm wearing my old clothes
I'm writing all new poems
I'm riding in my car

Oh, the children, they're just babies
Little baby-sized socks and shoes
And I think that maybe
I should keep them away from you

I crawl in and then
I creep out outloud
I got a job,
I'm not proud, I'm not proud, no

I'm wearing me out
I'm wearing my old clothes
I'm writing all new poems
I'm riding in my car

Sad, sad, I got sad news
I got
sad news
I got sad news
But it
(sad, sad, sad, sad)
it's all over now
It
(sad, sad, sad, sad)
It's all done

Red, red rover
I can't remember the game

I'm wearing me out
I'm wearing my old clothes
I'm writing all new poems
I'm riding in my car

"…The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun…"

Lately things have slowly been changing. I resumed my stint at the school language I used to work at and got new foreign students to teach Italian to. I wasn't that excited in the beginning but after some classes I kinda remembered what it is like to listen to other people's perspectives and experiences. And that is definitely the best part of the job. Of course, it is just a temporary job. I'm holding the fort for the main Italian teacher but still, it has been kinda nice. Other than that, something else is also coming up. I decided it is time I start to focus on something else other than going to the gym and, in actuality, I haven't even been there for quite some time now.. In a few weeks, I'll be starting my new college experience and I really want to make it work this time. No matter what. I am already nervous about it and that is definitely a sign of my new outlook at the thing. But maybe the most impressive thing of all it's the last choice I came up with. I figured that something important was missing in my life. Something that has always been in my life, whether I was fine or depressed, music has always been there. That is why I decided it was time to work on the thing again. No more gigs or performances or challenges or caring about stupid people doing it better than I do. Oh no, I am so done with that! This time it is not gonna be about impressing or trying to be like someone else. This time it is me doing it. I also decided I am going to take guitar classes as well. Learning how to play the guitar has always been one of the things I really wanted to do, and I guess now it's the right time to start picking it up. Now that I am alone, more than usual. I really need something to keep me busy with. I also found myself wondering whether or not I will be able to enjoy it even if I don't have a band or people to play with but I suppose it's worth trying. This time I am in charge. No one else. And it feels kinda good. Being free. And I guess that what happened before made me realize I am not the same person I was and most importantly, how could I've ever been that person? Getting carried away by other people's attitude it is not a great thing to do, but maybe I just couldn't help it. But now I see things clearly. All of that was just so lame! I was too carried away by it. I have to remind myself of how to be detached. Seeing things from an exterior point of view. That's what matters. Of course a part of me longs for revenge, but it is just a dream, not a goal. So basically, in conclusion, what I'm trying to say is that every single thing I have ever done in the past which involved music... Well, now I deem it as a negative, stupid, delusional thing because it basically brought me to think of myself as talented, special or worthy and the truth is... I am not. I am just like anybody else. So this is why it is important I remind myself that this time, there is nothing I am doing it for but myself. Today I also cleaned up my room, getting rid of some old useless stuff. And now it feels like it's a different spot. Larger and cosy, but probably that is just some kind of psychic impression taking place in my head. Whatever…it still feels better. Will I ever be able to get it all balanced? Or better yet, to find balance? That is definitely the skill I've always lacked the most. Why can't I see shades but just black or white? Complete involvement vs. raw apathy… I guess I'm just wired that way.. But sometimes it's so very exhausting!

What else can I say? Oh! Yeah, maybe I won't be writing anything anymore. I have been thinking about it for quite sometimes now and I thought that maybe I've never really had anything to say. I maybe pretended I did but I don't. I am numb; I can't have something to say. And plus, it was funnier when there were less people doing it. But nothing is definite yet, so it could be apt to change. Like someone else once said, "who knows what's to come this could be the last chance to have fun" (except there's nothing fun about any of this. As always.)…

Once upon a time going to the mall, especially in the summer, meant just one thing: avoiding the crowd and being sure you wouldn't have to meet unpleasant people.

But, like I said, that was once upon a time.

Now, everyone goes to the mall. No matter the time or the weather, going shopping to the big fashionable supermarket is now like going to the beach. Of course, if I am talking about this, it means I've been there earlier and I got grossed out by the whole situation.

You see, I had to buy some few items for dinner and it seemed like going to the mall was definitely the right thing to do. I didn't even think about the fact I'd have to wait in line for like half an hour. All I could come up with was: "Hey, who the hell is going to the mall at seven o'clock in the evening with a weather like this?" I was wrong…But what really made me think were the people of course.

It just dawned on me that maybe not everything is meant to be for each one of us. Isn't it hilarious? You have to go running errands and instead you end up asking yourself existentialist questions. But that just happens to me I suppose…

I'll try to be clearer. While I was looking at the people parading down the main supermarket aisle I got to thinking about the fact that everyone believes they are gonna be happy or they are gonna find true love or they are gonna get laid or whatever...

But, what if it isn't like that? What if just some of us are destined to live a life full of everything worth living but we keep telling ourselves that one day it will happen to us as well just to save ourselves from being hurt?

It's sad to admit it but what if it really is like that?

Just like cancer, not everyone catches it but if you do, you wind up wondering why you and not someone else… Oh gosh, is it cynical to compare diseases to love or happiness?

Whatever…

The thing is, everything would be easier. It would definitely spare us a lot of time and energy, knowing that, even if you apply yourself or kick your ass hoping that you will find what you're looking for, that won't ever happen to you because it is not meant to be for you…

Like I said, it is really sad. And most importantly, why do I have to be thinking about such deep issues when everyone else's minds are focused on their holidays or flings? I'm seriously starting to consider the idea of seeing a shrink…

Anyway, I always watch tv-shows or flicks in which you know there's gonna be a happy ending eventually. But in real life? Where is certainty? When can we be assured that just around the corner there is everything we were waiting for in all our lifetime? Still sad. There are no answers to such questions.

So, in hindsight, what we really have to ask ourselves is: What can we do in the meanwhile? Because, if there are things that we cannot predict or be sure of, there are other things that instead can be controlled and ruled. And these things are the ones concerning no one else but ourselves.

I am not proclaiming a perennial state of selfishness, but I firmly reckon that we cannot count on anyone else but ourselves.

And still, we can hope.

I do hope. Hope that what I see on a tv-show is not just a mere fictional storyline. That some of those situations do happen in the real world.

Sorry, is that delusional? Well, in actuality I considered deluded, or even worse "asleep", the people taking a stroll at the mall…

Or maybe, I am just a corny believer in disguise. Who knows…

One thing is sure: I have gotta find a less crowded hour to be going to the mall!

I am tired of such thoughts…

Last night I had this really peculiar dream: I was arguing with this person. Trying to tell her my point of view. She was silent. But as I was trying to talk to her, it was like my voice couldn't come out of my mouth. I finally had the chance to confront her and finally letting everything out but my voice was just not there. Other people were with me as well. They were saying I was right. That one just doesn't need to behave like she did. I was breathless, scared, blurred, completely exposed. And then she stood up. She was so tall and I was just like a kid watching her from beneath her and all I could say was: Just please say you're sorry at least.

Say you're sorry.

But she didn't do anything.  She just kissed me on my forehead and went away.

Dreams are really fascinating. They have the powerful ability of telling us how we really feel. All the fences we spend loads of time building up just crumble under their amazing spell.

But the question is: Why do we dream in the first place?

Why do we need to dream and experiencing situations we just run off from in our real life?

Of course we are desperately attracted to what we deny us of but, isn't it all some sort of hurting-us-to-feel-pleasure kinda thing?

I just know that I don't wanna give up on my fences. I believe in my fences and most importantly: I rely on my fences!

I can't let myself being vulnerable and defenceless.

I just can't.

Not even in my dreams…

Here I am again. Making the wrong decision again, regretting what I've done again.. (Even if this time, it wasn't really up to me...) Is it ever going to be over? This feeling, this perennial feeling that everything is nonsense. When I was a kid I used to be excited about things that were gonna happen. Like, for instance, going to a special place on a special day. All I did was waiting for that day with excitement knowing that it would have come and that I would have had what I wanted. It was like this when I was in high school as well. Always waiting for something to have passed or for the school year to be over and in the meanwhile being proud because I succeeded in being one of the best (what a waste of time… I see it now). But now… Now what am I waiting for? There's nothing left to yearn for. Nothing left to desire and achieve. Everything seems endless and empty. I have nothing to fill my days with. No one to talk to, no one to be friends with and definitely no one to love. But seriously, I've never asked for that much. The point is. I'm tired of waiting. So damn worn out of waiting…..

So here I am again.

I just wanna sleep and dreaming of an entire different life and never waking up ever again.

So, this is going to be the title to the fourth Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere. And I think it's quite appropriate and inspirational! Yes, A change is definitely on its way! And I'm talking about my life here! First of all: I'm done being nice!! I absolutely need to learn on how to be a jerk! A real one! (not like the last thread on this blog… I mean, that was just a test!) . People in my life treat me like shit and I'm soo over taking it all in! Now, everything that was supposed to happen this summer is not going to happen (aka London)… So with this new, great, fabulous, pessimistic view on life, I can definitely start over from scratch! But I need some suggestions on where to begin Let's see.. Option 1: I could procrastinate all day like I have been doin' for the last two years of my life and let all my existence passes me by without even being aware of it. Yeah, this sounds sweet.. Option 2: I could spend entire days in front of my pc watching all the possible tv shows on earth and convincing myself that if I wind up being hurt in some kind of accident, the Seattle Grace staff is gonna save me. Oops but wait: I feel like I've already been there.. Bollocks! Option 3: I could hit the gym everyday trying to achieve some kind of achievement and thinking I could be on the cover of Men's Health… Yeah, deluded much? I'm just hopeless soo Deal With It!! Ah ah ah ah!

Option 4: I could write stupid posts trying to be funny and ironic about myself and imagining I'm composing the next great television script when instead all I'm really doing is just trying to keep me busy. Greeeat picture isn't it?

Oh, I almost forgot about Option 5: Committing suicide! What? Yeah, I know it's a little cliché but still.. It has its advantages..

So folks, What do you say? What's the best option I got and who's gonna win American Id.. I mean, what should I do?

What did you say? Going to rehab and never turning on the telly again??? Eh, eh, eh, Not Going To Happen!