Just watched this guy Steven Dawkins's show 'enemies of reason'. It is very good and it is hard to argue with his reasoning. I am trying to reconcile his obvious good sense with some of the beliefs I have developed over the years.

The thing that came over to me was that if you do not understand the science behind something such as an illness it is easier to believe explanations which could not possibly be true. Dawkins said that bringing back Aryuvedic medicine is like bringing back bleeding with leeches, it was developed before we had a concept of germs and so on. He completely seemed to dismiss the chakras even though apparently they do correspond with plexii in the body which are bundles of nerves I think (see how scientific I am!)

The thing is that of late I was listening to Hay house radio (a spiritual/self development radio station) virtually every day online! I knew a lot of the stuff on it was nonsense but i still liked listening to it and I do really admire Louise L Hay who is the founder of Hay House. I still believe that our thoughts create our reality but it is quite complex. It is obvious that just because you think something does not necessarily make it true, you might have a disease you don't know about and think you are perfectly healthy and then die of it. So does that mean that our thoughts create our reality but sometimes they don't? that kind of means they don't then really doesn't it?

Richard Dawkins interviewed someone who believes that the rituals and systems of alternative health practitioners serve to trigger the body's own healing powers like a placebo. I suppose that is somewhere close to what I believe. It seems to me that when Doreen Virtue talks about her Angels on Hayhouse and when Summer Mcstravick and her mother - the charmingly nutty Venus Andrecht - talk about 'the Beings' they aren't literally true but are symbolic ways of understanding the world. It is a bit like having a dream: a dream is real in the sense it is a real experience but it does not exist in the real world, in fact, a thought is a real thing even though it can't be seen and it can effect the real physical world by prompting action. What I am trying to say is that believing in the angels or whatever might have a real positive effect and you don't have to believe that they are real but only that they represent something - a quality such as courage or support - which is real and can hep you. I suppose you could say it is a bit like reading a book or watching a film which inspires you even though you know it is fictional.

A woman on the Dawkins show said human beings had different DNA during the time of Atlantis - and that she can change your DNA back by waving her hands around. It would be fairly easy to check this by taking samples of dna before and after but i doubt anyone can be bothered. It is a cause for concern when people like that are charging to heal people who are sick because a lot of it is patently untrue. I remember somebody I knew was paid by the NHS to do energetic healing in hospitals and I said at the time that I thought it should have been tested scientifically - needless to say he got very angry and said that there are a lot of operations and drugs used that don't improve the lives of patients. It is a fair point but I don't think it overturns my point.

All these years I have thought that if I could only clear various thought patterns and emotional crap out I would no longer have the stomach and chest pains that i have had for so many years but what if I am wrong? I suppose for one thing if I had ever had a diagnosis from a doctor and some recommended treatment I would do it but no one has ever given me much of an explanation at all. I think a lot of people who try alternative treatments do it because there is nothing standard medicine can do. It scares me to think that maybe I just have something wrong with me that the doctors could not identify and all this soul searching is a waste of time. Even so I have to say that when it was at its worst I was far more unhappy and frightened than I am now and was also very unaccepting of myself. You might say that as I have become happier and more confident the symptoms have lessened but maybe they have just lessened over time.

Recently I went to see a woman who told me to do this technique of tapping your body - EFT - to release various patterns. It has seemed to work quite well with things from the past and in my opinion it works because you are doing a task which you associate with clearing a pattern and it is psychological. However, at the weekend I tried the technique to clear my compulsion to seek casual sex and then went straight on another bender and did it all again so I guess it didn't work then! (I didn't actually have sex because i was too drunk but woke up with a stranger in my bed)

God I will have to remove all this stuff when I am famous! the tabloids would know all my secrets!

I suppose I am making it sound like none of the stuff I do really works but actually I have found it very helpful a lot of the time. One of the most important things I have learned is that often when you have irrational hang ups or fears or don't want to do something and you don't know why, it often helps if you are able to trace it back to your early life. When you realise you are not dealing with the reactions of an adult but a frightened child it becomes easier to understand your own irrational behavior.

Haven't written on here for a while and look everybody I got a new picture! I went to see hairspray tonight - Yesterday I finally got my birthday present from Simon and Harriet which included 'Crackpot' John Waters's book which I loved as a teenager - Simon still has my copy so he bought me a new one that has special additional essays. One of them is about 'Hairspray' the musical (not the film) and John seems really pleased with it so it inspired me to finally go and see the film.

What a disappointment! has anyone noticed how musicals based on books or non-musical films or plays often take what might have been a throwaway line in the original - or something that was just cleverly implied - and then bash you over the head with it by making it a full blown song and dance number?? For example right at the beginning they had the host of the music show spell out the fact that all the kids on the show were 'nice and white' and that 'negro day' was one day a month just in case anyone missed the point that there was segregation on the show - this had the effect of making him look racist which he wasn't supposed to be.

In the original film Debbie Harry says she was 'Miss tinned crab 1945' or something like that and it is just a really funny throwaway line showing how her and her daughter are obsessed with trivial pageant titles. In the new film they have michelle Pfieffer sing a whole fucking song about it and they have changed it to 'Miss Baltimore Crabs' (tee hee). In the song she informs us sledgehammer style that she shagged all the judges and it is so crass - nobody could accuse John Waters of being subtle but he always had his own style. this is a big sentimental pile of hooey. John Travolta - gay actor (?) playing straight actor playing camp is a damp squib and looks uncomfortable and flat, Christopher Walken is miscast and the whole political thing is made into some kind of gigantic rally with candles and shit. Basically all the good stuff in the movie was in the original and the new stuff they have added is guff. The new Tracy is OK but no one can beat Ricki (who appears in a cameo hooray!). I read a review that said the original is more musically memorable and I would heartily agree with this, the soundtrack to the original was fantastic and had loads of songs from the period, these have all been replaced by overblown showtunes - many of which sound more big band style than the kind of sixties pop the whole film is about AND WHERE ARE THE DANCES??

Anyway in other news I went to the London Mela today with my cousin Veronica. It was a kind of Indian festival and had loads of teenage boys doing what teenage boys do - M.C-ing only these ones were doing it over indian style beats - still lots of amateurish 'Make some noise!' type shouting and a lot of ungainly youths looking like southall's blazing squad. Anyway things got better when we had some delicious food and better and better when we found this tent with DJs playing Indian dance music - I really liked it and the crowd were really into it - I am definately going to be tuning into BBC's asian network - We were fortunate enough to see two rather fabulous indian women both on the large side and one well over forty really going for it with this kind of sexy dancing surrounded by a crowd of young men and boys - I loved them because they could really dance and even though some of the boys may have been laughing at them the majority were really getting into what they were doing and anyway they probably wouldn't have given a shit if anyone laughed at them anyway. All the people who were kind of forming a circle around them were filming them on mobile phones and I bet they will be on youtube tonight. They were just about the only women dancing in the tent and they were fantastic - in a way a bit like two tracy turnblads showing everybody else how it was done. It was really excellent and I thought they were great.

Had a visti from T and J last night. I always liked T and still do but he pissed me off by saying something rude about my date when he arrived. I thought it was rude and I hate it when people do things that may cause others to feel uncomfortable. T does this all the time but I still like him!

Anyway I had a dry date (that is kind of like a trip to the pub without a drink) but I didn't mind; lately I have quite often taken guys back and then not done anything because when it comes down to it I just don't want to. Sometimes I pretend something will happen in the morning knowing that by that time they will either be too hung over to do anything or I will just say I am! I don't think I am normal.

T came back in the morning. He had been round my house ringing the bell late at night while I was still out. Apparently he woke my guest up but he didn't let him in! T then went to the Soho Hotel and spent £240 on a room for the night !!!(he had some guy with him) He is an arsehole but very funny, arrogant and cute and incredibly bright.

I went to the family today and my parents start dragging up the old stuff about Mr H and his child abusin ways. I know I felt uncomfortable because the posibility that I was physically abused seems obvious although my parents seem to never have really considered this in any seriousness, although I don't recall any physical abuse he was pretty mentally manipulative with me. I was squirming in my seat and I don't think they realised what they were talking about would have the slightest effect on me. Apparently they were annoyed when he told them I was not doing well at school after my brother had died and they (probably heroically in their minds) put him in his place. this is all news to me. I went through that whole episode alone as far as I am concerned. If they knew he was picking on me and trashing my schoolwork at that time why didn't they say something to me? As far as I knew they didn't even know about it and I just thought I must be fucking up at school. To be honest I doubted their version ever happened, I have discussed the whole thing with them before and I don't remember ever having heard the story of them being told by him that my schoolwork was suffering and them defending me. Sheila had a tear in her eye.

i realised today, hearing the stories of my mother's behaviour and her family's too that she really was unhinged. No wonder I was a nervous wreck. she threw a frozen chicken at her sister. There seemed to be a hint of humour to the reminiscing but to be honest with you I failed to see the funny side, it just dawned on me how out of line things got when I was growing up.
XXXSOME TEXT MISSINGXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Not been on here for a while but once again feel the need to offload some bile so here goes. OK first up I get a text message from somebody signing themselves H x asking am I going to some LGBT social event because it is Jamieleigh(?)'s first as the leader of the said society. I ask 'who is this?' and it turns out that H x is actually Gemma who was the leader or president of LGBT last term and now ignores me pointedly every time I see her. The 'H' stands for 'harri' one of those masculine epithets feminised by an 'i' which really says nothing much because if she wants to be a boy she might as well go the whole hog and be called John or something or just plain normal Harry. Also why does she ignore me? I have a sneaking suspicion it is because I got stinking drunk at the Gay and Lezzie Brighton pub crawl last year and may have made comments deamed to be inappropriate in some way (fuck knows why) but sod her anyway. god knows why she is still haunting the corridors of goldsmiths; last year was her final year and she failed to get elected to a paid position at the student union despite a cynical attempt to get the pink vote using emotional blackmail......i think that now she is 'Harri' she wears a bust flattener!

Anyway decided to look for the lyrics of Shakira's latest latintastic hit 'My hips don't lie' :
Wyclef Jean has somehow managed to coast along since the fugees by chipping in on other people's songs and doing orange ads - why didn't I think of that? Part of his contribution to Shakira translates as 'what's your name? Beautiful, My house, your house'. quite catchy though. I thought he said he 'makes the whole club Jizzy' (euggh) but he says 'I need a whole club dizzy' (?). What does Shakira mean when she says she is 'on tonight'? Also Wyclef makes the rather dubious claim that he and Shakira are both refugees which I find pretty hard to believe, particularly because old humble breasts and honest hips is apparently from a family who used to be good mates with man who used to run columbia.

Went with the Original Ernie Dog (hi Ernie, hope you are reading) to see Rupert Everett do a Q & A at the NFT tonight after a screening of 'Another Country'. Actually I had wanted to see him but they told me it was sold out. Today on the way to Goldsmith's I saw in the Metro you could win tickets by calling a number and I won!! how about that? I wasn't sure if I would like him because I thought he may be a bit louche and arrogant-seeming but in fact I thought he came over fantastically. I found myself very envious of his life and wondering just how I have managed to acheive so little in my own. He seemed genuinely very funny and warm and also quite valiant in his willingness to talk candidly about himself, his sexuality and also about other famous people in his life. It brought to mind the offense I have on occasion caused using this blog, just imagine writing stuff in a book being sold all over the country! I liked him so much I went and bought his book: 'Red carpets and other banana skins (£18.95). I left it a bit late to go and get it so had to get one that was presigned as the man himself had wandered off somewhere. No hope of our eyes meeting over a bookstand then!
Watching a Tory candidate on Newsnight - somebody Reese-Mogg who talks remarkably like a male Margaret Thatcher. He actually said he wants the 'cleverest' people to be running the country not people who reflect the population!!! and that Oxford and Cambridge have some of the cleverest and most intelligent people both studying and teaching. This may be true but it is also true that a majority of these people come from affluent backgrounds if not stinking rich. He is basically implying that the rich and priveledged are more intelligent and 'cleverer'. what a fucking arsehole! His smug sister Anunziata Reese-Mogg was also on the program, she has made it into the tory 'A' list; whatever that is it sounds pretty elitist to me! it's the Line of Beauty all over again. It's like turning over a stone: behind the new exterior are the same old slugs that have always been lurking there. Boris Johnson is on now, do you think he bleaches his hair? it is like Andy Warhol's.

I have an audition tomorrow for a film to be shot in Paris (woohoo) but not paid. lee told me it was with a very good casting director and i hoped to god it was not G because it is excruciating auditioning for someone you know, especially someone who is so critical by nature; I have heard him completely dismiss the work of friends of his. probably rightfully because there is no point in soft soaping if you want to be taken seriously but still, he doesn't have to be quite so harsh. Anyway it isn't him so that's fine. Lee has suggested a speech from a play by Timberlake Wertenberger which I will do if I can find it because I want to do something fresh and not a stale old speech that's been wheeled out time and time again. It is great to have a former head of a drama school as an agent.
Finally saw laura today for the first time since right after Edinburgh. I have been meaning to hook up with her for ages but didn't get round to it and then lost my phone and went to Spain. Anyway was nice to see her. I am thinking about getting together with Ryan again and working some more on Rick Chester.

First day back at Goldsmiths today (I can't say 'Uni', only characters in 'Neighbours' called it that when I was young). Matt asked me if I was nervous about it and I was. I said I didn't know why but as i approached the building it became clearer to me. I only know a few people there and a lot of them only to say hello to. I had a vision of myself just loitering around on my own and feeling a bit like I did at school. It occurred to me that after I left school I used to act like I was a space cadet just simply to overcome the discomfort of not knowing people and expecting them not to like me or at least to not fit in. I would completely remove myself mentally from what was going on around me and as a result used to be thought of as either a halfwit or a drug casualty. I also used to smoke and smoke and smoke (cigarettes) to make it seem like I was comfortable and had something to do.
Well, it wasn't a bad day. I did sit on my own but a few people came up and said 'hi!' so that was ok. After the lecture had begun, B- came in late and sat next to me which I thought was sweet. Sometimes I wonder if he just feels sorry for me. He was the object of much attention from me last year, partly, I realise, because I needed some kind of focus for going into college other than just the lectures. He is a very intelligent and talented guy but today I put my teenage crush back in its box. he's only 20 for chrissake and as I say a lot of it was just me making a big deal out of it to add colour to the reality of going back to school.
Anyway someone else has caught my eye today. I was surprised I had not noticed him before and pleased to get my looks returned. It was only later I realised I already know him - he is french or swiss or something and called something like Jean-Paul or jean-pierre and was in my seminar group last year, I met him outside my front door in the summer -with his boyfriend no less (I'll have to put a stop to that nonsense)! he has gone through quite a transformation since then, gone are the glasses and the goatee, hair cropped short and looking very nice indeed. He has one of those strange spots of white hair that a lot of young people seem to have (why is that? No one had that when I was that age but now they are cropping up all over the place). Watch this space.
There seemed to be even more hajibs than before this year. For the first time there was a girl in a full identity disguising black veil. Maybe she was married during the break or something because I don't remember seeing her in that get up last year. I wondered how these girls reconcile what they are being taught by the liberal westerners of the media department with their austere beliefs about life and particularly sex and sexuality.
My seminar leader is a tranny called Louise!!! I thought she was a man when I walked in to the lecture hall, clocking her sinewy tatooed arms; when she was introduced as Louise I thought I had made a mistake but then B- and Yassmin both thought it was a guy, it was only in the seminar later that it became clear. I thought how amazingly brave it is to present yourself to a classroom of young people who more and more may hold conservative attitudes; to introduce yourself as Louise in a deep male sounding voice and yet clearly have breasts (real or silicone? not sure, they looked kinda natural but it is unusual for hormone treatments to produce anything more than small adolescent style bumps). I admired the fact - and was relieved - that she did not feel the need to explain in any way her unusual presentation of gender - like "hi everyone, my name is Louise and as some of you may have noticed, I am a transsexual. I am pre op which means I still have my penis but choose to live my life as a woman. If anyone has any questions please come and see me later."
She was dressed in jeans and a black vest, no makeup, long hair but not styled in any way and spoke in an unaffected masculine voice. If it wasn't for the breasts and the name I would have had no idea she was not just a man - she looked a bit like a member of a band (status quo?). I should say that i really liked her and it was obvious that the rest of the group seemed pretty comfortable. she is obviously someone who has been able to reconcile their trans- genderism with daily life unlike many of the trannies I met at the Philbeach who seemed to be condemned to live in a kind of netherworld
Anyway the course looks amazing and I am actually really excited about doing it. It is all about how our identities are created or influenced by the psychological techniques used in culture and media. One of the main ideas we will look at is does the self actually exist at all? It seems to be a course taking a stand in direct opposition to the proliferation of self improvement materials in our culture. Apparently we will be asked to draw extensively on our own experiences - something I find both incredibly exciting and also frightening because I am afraid of exposing myself in many ways. I think it will be an incredibly valuable experience for me, especially as I have got very caught up in 'Self improvement' as the number of self-help manuals I found when going through my shelves yesterday proved. Anyway, went to the theatre tonight to a rehearsed reading. i went alone - how marvelous to be able to walk 10 minutes to get to see theatre for only £2. I will write about it tomorrow as it is past my bed time.

Had a lot of friends requests lately. not sure why, To start with I only accepted offers of friendship if I already knew the person or else I would send a suspiciously worded 'who are you and what do you want with me?' message.
Now i realise the aim seems to be to get as many friends as you can (who knew?). 'Madonna' has recently asked to be my friend! All the messages on her profile or space or whatever say things like 'thanks for the add' indicating I am not the only one who she has flatteringly approached - check her out if you like. I thought the 'add' was an advertisement at first then i realised it means you've been 'added'. One guy optimistically asks her about herself: 'who you are, what you interests are etc' naively assuming she is the slightest bit interested in any kind of dialogue; another doubtfully questioned whether 'Madonna' is 'for real'. It's doubtful these questions will be answered as it seems to me 'Madonna' only wants them for the numbers - she'll already be on to the next one. (i bet the picture isn't real either) but apparently she writes poetry folks so I suppose I shouldn't be too quick to judge.
i also got a brazillian model who looks a bit like Rebeccah Loos; her name is Mikki (she so fine) and she is happy to meet women and men because, you see, she is bisexual (also like Rebeccah Loos - is it bisexual because she thinks it makes her sexier to men or really bisexual I wonder; there is a lot of 'oh that girl gets me so hot' shit going on, often from women with breast implants whose career/ self esteem is dependant on men wanting to fuck them- enough said). As far as Mikki's offer of friendship goes it's just like beyonce says: 'You must not know (')bout me!' - but I said 'yes' anyway.
The ones I still will not countenance however are the bands who I really have no time for since they are cynically trying to boost their profile and most of them seem pretty dull. Not like Madonna or Mikki then.

I went to the optician to get disposable lenses the day before leaving London so I would be able to go swimming in the sea without them washing out like my hard ones would. While I was having an eye check the guy doing it asked me if I get cold sores and warned me against wearing contact lenses if I had one. Apparently the virus can travel to your eye and due to the lack of oxygen from wearing lenses there is an increased chance of getting herpes in the eye which can blind you! He also warned me against swimming in lenses saying there is a chance an amoeba could attach itself to the lens and attack the eye. This made the disposable contact lenses pointless. Toady I went in the sea with them in anyway and diligently avoided getting my eyes wet but of course spray went in my eye a bit and it really is impossible to avoid. I have done it countless times before as well as wearing lenses while suffering from a cold sore and leaving them in glasses of tap water over night and putting them in my mouth to clean them in my saliva (according to him the virus from an ulcer could leave you blind within 36 hours or something). Somehow I feel as though knowing the risk sort of makes it more likely to happen.

 

That's a quote from a lady with manic depression, not me by the way. i am watching Steven Fry's program on Bi-Polarity. I might not be manic depressive but when I hear people's stories like that I seem to relate to them! (but not that particular story I should add - I have yet to try any self harm ((except one notable teenage exception which I prefer never to document; surgery finally sorted that problem out about 2 years ago!!)) it's more the sudden enthusiasm, paranoia and delusions of grandeur plus lethargy, maybe it's just manic prima-donna-ism - anyway it all seems to make perfect sense to me). Tonight I have been out with Lee my agent and also a friend from a former life as a teenage cranks employee (he was my manager) and drug experimenter (part of the group I used to go to clubs with and take ecstasy in my late teens). I was planning 3 pints at the most or maybe just a coffee but inevitably (and, i think, mainly due to my influence) we downed 6 pints each. i don't even feel pissed, in fact I feel like I have just started.

I could feel I was going down with a cold yesterday and didn't really want to go and drink again but David was coming and I haven't seen him for ages. we had a really good time drinking wine at the flat and then in that cigar bar on Wardour Street which seemed to be the only place in Soho that wasn't full of noisy arseholes. Things went downhill when we went to the Shadow Lounge. I got well and truly pissed and eventually realised I had lost my wallet. This comes 2 days after having lost my phone on a similar venture also at the shadow lounge.
I felt pretty awful today and am seriously wondering how I should deal with this problem. Everyone I talk to about it seems to think I am being melodramatic. Scott said he thought it was part of my health anxiety but alcohol is bad for your health and I drink far more than the recommended number of units. Why is it silly to be concerned about something which does damage your health?
The trouble is that when I drink I just don't care about resolutions I have made previously. If I am having a good time I just think to myself 'I know I only planned to have 3 pints but I'm having a good time!' (dunno though, sometimes I think I would be bored stiff if I wasn't drunk so maybe not such a good time). I do wonder if I should just give up entirely. I still don't think of myself as an alcoholic (alhough according to the AA list of signs I think I am one) I just think that it is a problem.