When Damien tried to negotiate peace talks with them they punched him and tied him up!  I couldn’t believe it.  They were even white.  Well a few of them were but most of them were Latino and a few were Asian or African Americans from Brazil.  There was also an Israeli among them.  Such a band of pirates I had never seen before and it was most unusual.  The leader’s name seemed to be Manuel.  He ordered his men to keep guns on us but they didn’t tie us up.  I think they didn’t want to deal with the little children who would inevitably be needing frequent trips to the loo.  I was taking in my surroundings surveying our options when I realized that Sylvia’s father the Navy Seal wasn’t with us and I remembered that he had gone down to his cabin to change his clothes after working out on deck.  I kept an eye out and sure enough I saw him sneaking around taking inventory of the pirates and their weapons.  It was then that I knew we would survive. 

Still the pirates had control of the ship for four days before Peter made his move.  I wondered why he was taking so long but I reasoned that I wasn’t a Navy Seal and couldn’t possibly understand his methods.  By this time the pirates had rerouted the ship to South Africa after picking up a shipment of marijuana from a ship that met us from Venezuela.  During this time my days were filled with feeding Sylvia Damien and Peace No War trying to convince the fearsome pirates to untie Damien (which they never did) and teaching all the passengers how to play hopscotch.  I’m afraid the poor captain lost his mind because he kept singing “Clementine” so loudly and with such wailing that the pirates finally gagged him.  Then his loyal and angry crew began singing it but I’m afraid some of them didn’t know the song even after hearing Captain Cook sing it for 24 hours straight for they sang “Bingo” instead.  It was such a chaos of melodies notes and music with words in between that I couldn’t hear myself think much less teach the passengers the moves to the tango. 

Well on the fourth day Peter finally made his move.  It was during the breakfast hour and we were all chewing happily on our burnt pancakes when he came flying at the head pirate and slapped him silly with a big foam finger.  With one swift movement he cut all ten ropes that were wrapped around Damien multiple times and my gloriously buff husband began to find the pirates as well.  It was then that I saw why Peter had taken four days to take the ship back.  He had been setting up a trap.  After initially hitting the leader with the foam finger he ran back into the corridor and many of the pirates followed him.  When the first ran through the doorway a bucket of slimy sardines was dumped over him and the rest slipped and tripped all over him!  What ingenuity!  There were many other traps they fell into—many involving electrocution and molasses—all over the ship.  All of us then tied up the pirates and let the captain and his crew loose.  Captain Cook rushed up to Peter and shook his hand with pride.  “I and our country cannot thank you enough sir!  It is an honor to shake your hand Peter Panabaker!”  He said that he will recommend him for a medal when we get back to the states.

Since we were so close to South Africa already we stopped there to refurbish our supplies though we decided to keep the pirates on board so that we could turn them over to the American authorities since they had attacked an American ship.  Damien and I traveled around for a day trip before returning to the ship.  We went to see Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe and oh what a magnificent sight!  We were just about to catch a bus in Johannesburg back to the port where the ship was docked when we noticed someone selling DVDs on the street.  It had been so long since we had seen a movie we thought that it might be nice to buy one to watch on my laptop on the way home.  So we approached the man selling them and asked what he would recommend and he showed us several.  We finally settled upon “Free Willy” and had just paid the man for it when another man ushered us into a very dark room.  Suddenly someone hit us over the head and the next thing I remember I woke up in a karaoke room in Beijing and someone had just tagged me to sing “My Heart Will Go.”  So in a daze I went on stage and sang the song.  I was beginning to cry because I didn’t know where Damien was and I wondered how someone had snuck me into this country and how long I had been unconscious since South Africa is a long ways from China.  The people loved my song so much that they begged me to do an encore and I couldn’t resist so I sang five more songs before I finally told them I couldn’t sing anymore.  When I left the stage the Asian man who had ushered us into the dark room in Johannesburg took my arm and took me out into the street.  It was nighttime and the city lights were bright.  I asked him what was going on but he wouldn’t tell me.  I begged him to tell me where my husband was but he still remained silent.  Finally he took me to a casino and forced me to play poker for a few hours.  I enjoyed the game as I always have but I was consumed with worry for Damien and my strange dire situation.  Finally the man took me to a back room where he forced me to give him all my winnings.  Then an old lady entered and she had Damien with her!  I was so relieved that I fell into his arms crying.  But then other brought in more people—mostly Americans—whom they then began to auction off as slaves!  It was a most dreadful situation!  They auctioned off Damien and me to a lovely rich young couple who needed people to do work around the house for them because they were so rich they had never learned any manual labor skills.  It was a strange thing.  All of us were bought by people who lived in the same area which was deep into the jungles of China.  They snuck us all out and we traveled together. 

They were walking us down the Great Wall of China and I took Damien’s hand.  I had always dreamed of doing this with him someday but I had never imagined doing it as a slave.  Suddenly one of the other slaves—a tall beautiful blonde lady from Los Angeles—did a spinny kick and knocked one of our slave drivers off the wall!  I hope he survived.  She then karate chopped the chain we were chained together with and threw our other guard rolling down the wall.  Then we all ran and eventually escaped into the jungle.  After awhile we came across some Chinese soldiers who had us expelled from the country immediately after they realized that we actually were not spies sent to obtain military secrets.  But there was a mistake and we ended up in Hong Kong rather than South Korea where they had originally intended to send us.  But the Hong Kong officials have been very kind to us and put us all up in a hotel for the night. 

Damien and I will have to somehow get in contact with Captain Cook about retrieving our puppy who had been left on board in the care of the crew.  But such an adventure we have been on and we are most grateful to be alive! 

I can’t wait to take that boat to South Korea tomorrow.  Perhaps our honeymoon will finally be over when we take that airplane from Seoul to Los Angeles.

May the force be with you.
 

Greetings glorious friends!

Damien and I had a bit of a mix-up when we sailed to New Zealand. From there we were supposed to take a ship to Hawaii where we would take a flight to San Francisco. We even had a flight booked from San Francisco to Baltimore.  But alas! It was not meant to be.

We were buying souvenirs and we lost track of the time. When we emerged from the gift shop all clad in koala and kiwi gear we went to the dock to board our boat. On the way we met a man who held a cardboard sign that read "Damon Petrovsky". We naturally assumed that the poor man had misspelled Damien's name. We knew that our travel agent--bless her heart!--had engaged the assistence of a local for us. The man was of Latino descent and only spoke broken English. Thankfully Damien and I both speak fluent Spanish. But the man spoke Portuguese so our communication was yet hindered.

So we boarded the ship and were soon at sea. The journey took some days and nights. I admit the sea did not help my pregnancy sickness. But a kind elderly gentlemen gave me an ancient Chinese potion which settled my stomach. I am much obliged to him.

Damien and I spent many hours gazing at the stars on the deck. It was fascinating to have conversations with Tom Cruise Celine Dion and Donal Trump. Who knew they could engage people in such stimulating dialogue? 

There were also a few kindly nuns on board who could only speak Latin and Rumanian. We were all amazed by the experience of encountering a humpback whale. What a magnificent and graceful creature! I made a vow to him that I would double my efforts in the save the whales movement.

At last to our surprise we reached Peru. My brawny husband and I were of course quite bewildered to find ourselves here at one end of the mighty Amazon River. It was then that the man who had first led us to the ship--whose name we had learned was Pedro--explained to us in broken English that his village was deep in the heart of the Amazon rainforest. His people needed help so a good missionary had written to them that he would come. He is a New Zealander named Damon Petrovsky. The poor man began to weep realizing the mistake he'd made. "Oh don't cry Benito" Damien told him. "Anyone could have made such a mistake. And my glorious wife and I will help you and your people."  Damien is such a good motivator! He has to be in his line of work as a soccer coach. I am so proud of him.

Benito was so grateful! So it was decided that he would lead us down the mighty Amazon to his village in Brazil. We are still hopeful that Dr. Petrovsky will yet make it. Think of the work the three of us could do together!

Damien is going to acquire a satellite wireless connection card for us so that we may still connect to the internet in the depths of the jungle. I hope to make friends with all the creatures of the Amazon rainforest. I imagine myself snuggling up to a jaguar at night and sleeping under the liana gracefully hanging from the trees. But I hope I wouldn't fall out. I have always been afraid of heights.

This whole business reminds me of the time Ren and I set out to save the rare Okachoga earthworm when we were freshmen in college. People scoffed at us and it was very hard but none of that matters when you see the real difference you can make.

I have contacted Gloria Steinfield my co-executive at Pucinelli Enterprises Inc. She reports that all is going well except for the recent shipment of toy spiders. It was contaminated with whiskey and nobody seems to know how this occurred. I am concerned that should a child chew on it which is bound to happen he might become intoxicated. Also we have decided that Pucinelli Enterprises should sponsor a competitor in the annual Return a Penguin to Antarctica competition. It should be splendid!

Damien just smiled at me. He is so handsome in his koala trucker's cap. He looks so warrior-like when he holds his newly acquired machete. 

May the force be with you.  

Well as you all know my stupendous husband and I were about to embark on the last chapter of our journey when I last posted an update.  Our flight for New York was scheduled for 11:43 PM and we were going to take a bus from there to Barracuda Springs but there was a flight leaving Berlin to Guam earlier so we took that instead. We met a nice Sadhu there who offered to take us on his pilgrimage to Tuvalu in a sailboat. Of course we agreed.  What a marvelous opportunity! What stories we will have to tell our child someday about where he went before he was born!

We met many fascinating people on this island nation of Tuvalu including a Japanese fisherman who got lost 40 years ago and still has not been able to fix his boat and find his compass so that he may return to his home in Maebashi.

There we parted with the Sadhu who after paying homage to the Hindu wind spirit set out on his journey back to India. We hitched a ride on a Carnival cruise ship and after short stops in Palau Fiji and Pitcairn we landed in Australia.

We met some kindly Aborigines of the Wunambal tribe who painted us with ocher paint.  When I told Kimoko one of the tribal ladies that I was pregnant she hugged me and right then went and sewed together a traditional Aborigine onesie out of banana leaves.  When she came out of her house three days later it was finished and wasn't it a beautiful sight! I will treasure it forever!

The tribe set out across the desert and invited us to go with them. That is where we have been all this time. I suppose I had best be calling Andy now to make sure he knows Mommy and Daddy are coming home. 

May the force be with you.

Greetings marvelous peoples of the world!  I have had the most interesting of events come upon me.  I went to see the doctor today and our precious little baby is coming along quite beautifully though I now realize I wasn't with child as early on as I once thought.  So we still have seven months to go!  This is not such a travesty as this will give us more time to get home to tell Andy. 

We spoke with my homegirl Ren on the telephone last night and it seems that Andy is getting along happily with Smudgy and White Fang.  Poor Ren was quite perturbed however that she has just lost her job!  What with the trial it will be hard for her to find time to go job hunting. 

No matter we shall be making it easier on her soon as Damien and I are leaving for New York late tonight.

May the force be with you always.

Greetings my noble friends!  I have not written in such an extended time because from Chad we took a few flights which in the end found us in the fair country of Georgia.  There we took a train to see the lovely scenery and we met a fascinating German couple who was on vacation from Zimbabwe.  We could not speak with them however as the man was deaf and the woman did not speak English Swahili or any other language which either Damien or I was fluent in. 

We deboarded the train in Tbilisi and took a coach to a remote farm where we stayed with the most angelic family!  *Svetlana and *Abraham (I have changed their names to protect their identities) showed us the most wondrous hospitality and their four year old daughter Shelby taught me how to milk a cow and a goat as well! 

Their dog Skipper gave birth to ten puppies while we were there.  Damien and I had such a touching experience with them!  We taught the children how to play tic-tac-toe and they have been playing it ever since even during dinner!  Svetlana and Abraham were in danger of losing their farm but of course Damien had the most wonderful idea!  The whole family pitched in and we made pinatas out of straw and horse manure and powdered them with garlic and sprayed them with lavender so they would smell prettier and we sold them at the farmers' market.  They were an amazing hit!  We sold so many that Abraham not only was able to keep his farm but he bought a new cow too!!

We had a great celebration to celebrate.  We danced and ate and laughed to our hearts content.  Abraham and Svetlana were so grateful to us that they gave us one of Skipper's pups.  We were all leaping and laughing and enjoying Georgia's world famous eggplant pastries when a dirty policeman in tattered clothes came running into the barn where the party was being held.  He was out of breath but "The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.  The traditional fiddle and kettle drum harmony halted immediately. 

It was a very hard time for us when the Russians invaded.  We eventually snuck out of the country in Steve Harrigan's Fox News van with our new dalmatian puppy Peace No More War in my backpack.  Once again we only were able to take our backpacks with us.  I suppose it would be best for us all if we stopped buying new things since we keep ending up losing them.

Well here we are in Berlin, Germany.  We are staying at a hotel.  We tried to track down the fascinatig couple from the train in Georgia but it was difficult since we didn't ever learn their names.  We described them to numerous people but no one could tell us anything.  It amazes me how self-absorbed people are that they don't even notice their neighbors enough to be able to lead their friends to a reunion with them.

Well I must be calling Ren now to tell her all about our splendid pinata adventure. 

May the force be with you.