I met a United States senator, and this is what he said:

These are trying times, but America has lived through difficult times before.  We have been through a Great Depression, a Civil War, and we won World War II.

And I thought, he's right.  Mexico has not persevered through these.  Neither has Canada.  And you know who else?  Me.  You.  Everyone currently in power.  Our generation did not win World War II.  We're not the Greatest Generation, we're the Facebook generation.  We made "Deal or No Deal" a hit.

My grandfather once saw a poster of an old man in a top hat saying, "I Want You!"  And my grandfather said, "Well, then I'm going to join up and fight."  You and I wouldn't have that reaction, because we were taught to fear sexual predators.

Ask anyone from my generation, "Who won the last battle fought on American soil?"  What do they say?  Do they say, "The Japanese, at Pearl Harbor?"  No, they say, "Blu-ray."  I know, still Japanese, kinda creepy.

And I know what you're thinking:  "Dan, the Japanese occupied some Alleutian islands in Alaska for a brief time, so technically, by driving them out, the U.S. won."  But I say that browsing for facts on your iPhone in a comedy club doesn't make you a better American.  I think it makes you a bit of a douchebag.

JEFFERSON: Hello.

ME: Dude, you're Thomas Jefferson! You’re on the two-dollar bill!

JEFFERSON: You don’t say! I take it those are common.

ME: Let’s call them “treasured.” To tell the truth, most people don’t carry cash anymore. We have “credit cards.”

JEFFERSON: Credit cards?

ME: Yes. They’re issued by a bank. Every purchase is a little loan you take out with the bank. They’re easy to use -- in fact most of us use them several times a day!

JEFFERSON: Amazing -- so many loans! Surely, it must be difficult to prove your credit-worthiness, and attain such a card?

ME: (Laughing hysterically, then I stop.) Actually, it kind-of is now.

JEFFERSON: I see. Well, since I am here, a disembodied spirit mysteriously allowed to contact the physical realm, I really would like to see what you’ve done with the place. You know, America. I would very much like to see my old Virginia plantation. Oh, and I really must meet your current president.

ME: Okay. But... you better not do both at the same time.

JEFFERSON: What? Why not?

ME: This president doesn’t favor plantations.

JEFFERSON: Very well. We should meet at your capital. It will be great to see the evolution of our most cherished founding principles, like limited government, and checks and balances on powers.

ME: Oh, yes, the expression on your face will be priceless!

JEFFERSON:Sorry?

ME: Nothing.

JEFFERSON: Well, what are some of the political issues facing our nation today?

ME: Well, there’s this Blagojovich character. He’s awesome! He gets impeached, then launches a media campaign comparing himself to Nelson Mandela, Ghandi and Martin Luther King. He didn’t compare himself to Jesus, but I think he just forgot.

JEFFERSON: Those names... There are so many historical figures I know nothing about. Do you think, perchance, you could show me to a library, that I might verse myself in history?

ME: A library? Who needs a library, when we’ve got the Internet.

JEFFERSON: The Internet?

ME: Yes, information gets transmitted digitally. Everyone has access to virtually all publicly-known information they could possibly want!

JEFFERSON: My heavens! All those scholarly works, being constantly read by interested minds?

ME: No, that’s not what we use it for. It’s for Myspace and Facebook. See, the youth of America put their personal information on Facebook, along with pictures and videos of them partying illegally, so they can share them with friends or predators.

JEFFERSON: I do not understand you people.

ME: I know. It wins you over.

JEFFERSON: Well, young man, my profession was government. Has that changed over the past two centuries? You still have a president, correct?

ME: Absolutely.

JEFFERSON: And he is not a dictator?

ME: No. His powers are checked. He must work with the two houses of Congress.

JEFFERSON: Good. We were worried about that, which is why we stated in the Constitution that it was only Congress, not the President, who could declare war.

ME: Yeah, about that! Funny story! See, we found a loophole! And frankly, we’ve gotten ourselves in some pretty sticky situations. Right now, for instance, we’re fighting two wars...

JEFFERSON: What?!! Wars are being fought on American soil?!!

ME: No, don’t be silly. We go to other countries and fight there. The last time a battle was fought on American soil, gosh... Come to think of it, I guess it was won by Blu-Ray.

JEFFERSON: I have never heard of them.

ME: Nevermind. But since you’re here, I think all of us want to know... See, we’ve got these wars, and the economy is in the tank, and the government is going crazy trying to fix it, and we don’t know whether saving money or spending money is supposed to help, and if the government knows what to do, they ain’t talkin...

I know our country has seen some rough times. We made it through the civil war, the great depression, and we won World War II. But, that wasn’t my generation. We play video games. I write computer programs and tell jokes.

The point is, I think we could all use some sage advice right now. Maybe from a guy who risked his life to defeat the superpower of his age, who helped start a country from scratch, one that became my favorite country in the whole world?

JEFFERSON: (Thinking.) I know nothing of your world. The trials you face, no doubt, are not mere reflections of my own, but are similar only through the clouded lens of allegory. Regrettably, I cannot give you the guidance you crave.

However, I will say this. When our shambled colonies were in our darkest hour, the farmers, blacksmiths, and carpenters all said, “But we are mere farmers, blacksmiths, and carpenters. Who are we to topple an empire?”

I do not know whether your struggle will end well, or badly. But whatever it is you decide to do, do it without reservation.

ME: Huh. I guess when I tell my jokes tonight, I’ll try and make them extra funny.

JEFFERSON: Ben Franklin said there are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and guitar comedy is hack. Still, I bid you good luck.

In an effort to raise awareness about cancer awareness, I thought I'd post here which months, according to the Cancer Awareness Calendar, we're supposed to be aware during:

1. January: Cervical Cancer Awareness Month
2. March: Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month
3. May: Melanoma and Skin Cancer Awareness Month
4. July: Sarcoma Awareness Month
5. September: Gynecologic Cancer Awareness Month, AND Prostate Cancer Awareness Month, AND Leukemia and Lymphoma Awareness Month
6. October: Breast Cancer Awareness Month
7. November: Lung Cancer Awareness Month

That's all well and good, but there are a lot of obscure cancers that the average person has never heard of.  That's why I am declaring April to be Miscellaneous Cancer Awareness Month.  Because I want people to be aware of cancer of the miscellaneous things.

I have noticed, however, that all the awareness is centered around types of cancer that are downright scary.  But there are kinds of cancer that, while deadly, are also kind of whimsical.  Which is why I am declaring August to be Appendix Cancer Awareness Month.

I know what you're thinking.  What about pancreatic cancer?  There is no cure, no way to prevent it, and a virtually 0% survival rate.  That's why I am declaring December to be Pancreatic Cancer Blissful Ignorance Month.  In observance, we ask that you take off all cancer-related awareness ribbons, eat Cheetos and watch daytime T.V.

You could make the argument that we should roll up all this awareness into a single Cancer Awareness Month.  We could learn an interesting fact about a different type of cancer each day.  You could make the argument that people would be less likely to be overwhelmed, and we might educate and enlighten more people.

True, but I'd like to take this one step further, to its logical conclusion.

That's why I am hereby declaring December to be Death Awareness Month.  There are no ribbons to wear, and no car magnets to display.  All you have to do to observe Death Awareness Month is whenever somebody turns on a light, just walk away from it.