when u see my face hope it gives u hell, hope it gives u hell! when u walk my way hope it gives u hell, hope it gives u hell!!

Danny's a fucking prick and i hope he gets herpes or something from his nasty cunt girlfriend. that's right, i said girlfriend. the man who said he wasn't going to get with anyone else for a long long time and wasn't even going to sleep with anyone else for a while, the man who said he wouldn't date anyone with kids because he didn't want a pre-made family, is now dating the very cunt that he swore over and over that he was only friends with. this bitch has a 16 year old kid! what happened to no pr-made family??! he fucked that cunt on my bed on Christmas Eve and then fucked me on it the day after Christmas! how fucked up is that?! he sent me a picture of him and her together at a bar. who does that?! he sent a picture of his cock to my family! i'm done with everything that involves him. i'm done missing him, i'm done loving him, i'm done crying over him. i'm moving on with my life and it doesn't include him. he went from being the best boyfriend i've ever had to being the worst. i've had some pretty shitty boyfriends, i've had boyfriends that hit me, boyfriends that cheated on me, but never until now have i had a boyfriend who did to me what Danny did. but karma is a bitch and she bites hard.

a part of me doesn't even want to be alive anymore. i'm not going to kill myself or try to harm myself in any way so please no one call the pyscho doctors on me. i just hurt so much. i cry all the time. i can't even look at him without getting that sinking feeling in my shattered heart. i love him so much and this is tearing me up inside. i've just lost the best thing that ever happened to me and i can't get that back. i know that we're not right for each other but i love him so much. he has my heart, how am i supposed to live without my heart?! what am i supposed to do now? how am i supposed to carry on and be strong when all i want to do is curl up and die? i don't know what to do. i'm so alone. he says that ever since we broke up i haven't really talked to him about normal stuff but that's because every time i try all i can think about is how he's not with me anymore and it takes all that i have to hold back the tears. i really thought we were going to be together forever and now i've realized that nothing is forever. he's the man i pictured myself marrying and settling down with. he was there for me on the worst day of my life when my daddy died. he was there to hold me while i cried. he was there to catch me when i almost collapsed after watching my daddy take his last breath. he was there to be strong for me when i couldn't be. but who's going to catch me now? who's going to be strong for me now?

someone catch me, i'm falling.

well i'm still in Peoria. now Danny wants me to pay for half of the moving truck. i understand y he wants me to because he really shouldn't have to pay for it when we're not together and it's me that's moving, but i don't have any money and he knows that. so now i'm trying to come up with at least $150 to pay for half of the moving truck. i don't know how i'm going to come up with the money. i'm going to sell my blood plasma but that only pays $20 the first time and $35 if i come back in the same week. i'm also trying to sell my Journey diamond necklace that he got me and that itself hurts so much because it's the one thing he got me that means the most to me and i don't want to lose that. one of my friends has offered to buy it and hold on to it so i can buy it back when i get the money so that makes me feel a little better but i really don't want to sell it at all. and i don't want to sell my plasma. anyone that knows me knows that i'm terrified of needles.

and for some reason he keeps going outside whenever he wants to talk on the phone. i don't understand y. y does he feel the need to leave just to talk on the phone? it really hurts my feelings because i don't know y he has to leave to talk. all i can think about is who he's talking to and what he's talking about. he says that he's talking about his feelings but i don't understand y he can't talk about his feelings to me or in front of me. y does he feel the need to leave? i just wish he could understand how much more it hurts my feelings when he leaves to talk than it would if he talked about his feelings in front of me or to me.

i know i fucked up a lot and i wish i could take it all back but i can't. i love him so much and i don't want this to be over but there's no saving us.

he went out to the bar Friday with his friend and spent the night with him and the whole time all i could think about is what he was doing. i couldn't help it. i tried to think of other things but i just couldn't help it. i love him so much and all that was running through my head is what he was doing (or who he was doing) and if he was ok. then he accidentally pocket called me (his phone was in his pocket and it accidentally called me) and i couldn't help listening for a while to see if he said anything about me or to see if i heard another girl's voice in the background. i finally had to hang up cos i knew that if i did hear another girl's voice it would kill me. i know that when i finally get moved to Eldon that's all i'm going to think about too. all i'm going to be able to think about is what he's doing and whether or not he's ok and it's going to tear me up inside. i know it's just something that i'm going to have to deal with but i don't want to.

anyway, i'm going to end this now cos i'm kinda drunk and really emotional and i don't want to keep blubbering on like a little baby.



Danny, if u happen to read this, please know that i will always love u and i'm sorry for not taking ur feelings into consideration more often. my 1 and only regret ever in my entire life is not being a good enough girlfriend for u and not treating u how u should be treated. even when i finally do find someone else, no one will ever be able to replace u. u have my heart and right now my heart is shattered.

well it's decided. me and Danny r going to Eldon this weekend for Thanksgiving and then when we get back i'm going to start packing my stuff and in a few weeks he's going to rent a U-Haul truck and help me move my stuff to Eldon. i'll be staying with a friend so at least i have a place to go. he's going to leave my phone on for a while, at least until i get a job and can afford to get my line switched to my name and my number switched to an Eldon number. i always wanted to move back to Eldon, but i never thought i'd be doing it alone. this sucks! it hasn't all quite sunk in yet, i mean, it sort of has but only in bits and pieces. every once in a while i'll just start sobbing but i'm trying to be strong. 2 years have gone down the drain. i can't even blame him cos it's just as much my fault as it is his. we got into the relationship way too fast. we basically met, got drunk, i moved in a couple weeks later, then he got a job as a truck driver and i went on the truck with him, and then we moved out of state together. maybe if we would've taken things slower things would've turned out different. hell if we would've taken things slower we probably would've split up a long time ago.

so it's been another day and it's getting harder and harder. we were supposed to have a long serious talk yesterday but we never did. this is all very strange for me and i don't like it. there's no more of that sweet stuff that happens in relationships. no more i love u's, no more goodnight or goodbye kisses, no more kisses period. i love him so much and i don't want to lose him. i don't want this to be over. he didn't even tell me goodbye when he left for work today, he just left. it feels like there's a knife in my heart and he's twisting it. i don't want to hurt anymore. he says he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me but he is anyway. i wish he loved me enough to stay. y all of a sudden does it matter that i don't want kids or that i smoke pot? i was smokin pot when i got with him, hell he was too. and he didn't have a problem with me not wanting kids before. i told him our pets r the only kids i need and he agreed with me. what am i supposed to do with my life now? how am i supposed to live without him?

last night (actually it was early this morning) Danny and i had a talk and apparently we r on 2 different paths. i think we're on the same path, we just come to a big fork in the road. he wants to have a kid and be with someone who doesn't smoke pot and i don't want to have children and i refuse to quit smoking. i told him before we even got together that i was not going to quit for anything and i told him to never try to make me. he was fine with that then, but apparently not now. so now 2 years of love is going down the drain because of two things. he says that he loves me but that he wants someone who will give him a kid. i love him more than life but that doesn't mean i want to have a kid with him. i don't want kids, period. if i could walk into a hospital right now and get sterilized i would do it in a heartbeat. i love kids but i don't want any of my own. so now i don't know what's gonna happen. we were supposed to go to Eldon for Thanksgiving but i don't know if that's going to happen now. i don't know what i'm going to do. i have an apartment full of furniture and no where to go with it. i'm so depressed right now.

please check out my good friend Krystal's band myspace. she doesn't have many friends on it and she rarely gets to get on a computer so it would mean a lot to her (and me!) if u guys all went to check it out and add her. her songs r really awesome! my favorite song of hers, "Animals", can be found on my page too.
the link to her page is http://www.myspace.com/karmaapplesband

i recently applied at Art Institute of Pittsburgh-Online Division to get my Associates in Web Design Interactive Media. at first i was really excited about finally going back to school and everyone keeps telling me how proud of me they r. but lately it seems like it's getting to be too much for me. everything's starting to get so confusing and now i'm not so sure i want to continue with it. i really want to go but it's really stressing me out and confusing me. i'm 23 years old and haven't lived with my mom for over 5 years but apparently i'm still considered a dependent of her and she has to fill out a bunch of tax information. me and her both don't see y they need her tax information, especially since i don't live with her and she wont be paying for any part of it. that's another thing, i can't afford to go to school so if i can't get a free ride then all of this was for nothing anyway. i'm really seriously thinking about giving up. maybe not for good, but at least for another year or so. but i'm afraid that if i give up for a year i'm not going to want to start it all over later on. this all started happening so fast, it all started with me just requesting some information about the school and before i knew it they had me applying for the school and filling out all kinds of forms. i don't want to be a quitter but i'm really getting over this whole college thing really quick. i just don't know what to do. i feel like if i quit i'll be letting everyone down, including myself. but i also feel like if i stick with this i'm going to explode.

i just seen the new Pillsbury commercial and it really got me thinking. in the commercial people r clicking their heels together and saying those 5 magic words, in hopes that they will return to the warmth and safety of home and away from the economic crisis. y wont this work in real life? y can't we just click our heels together and make everything ok again? i actually tried it. i clicked my heels together and said those magic words, but i'm still stuck here in Illinois and i'm still not happy. it didn't change anything. if only life were more like the movies then i wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog and wondering y i can't go home. if life were more like the movies then we wouldn't have to worry about things like economic crisis' or depression. all we'd have to do is add some upbeat background music, click our heels together, and everything would be ok. but real life isn't like the movies. real life is tough. real life is full of depression and money problems. real life is full of all those horrible things that don't happen in movies (i'm not talking about horror movies. all the bad stuff happens in them!). so fuck u Dorothy! fuck u and ur false advertising ruby red slippers!

my good friend Jackie just posted a blog with her Christmas list and i decided that's a really fuckin good idea! i'm not going to type out my list though cos that would take too long and i don't feel like it. instead i'm going to post this: My Christmas List. just click that link and then type in my email address (limpchick_1@hotmail.com) and then commence buying me stuff! u can have everything shipped to:
Trista Sanders
2805 W. Larchmont Ln. Apt. H33
Peoria, IL 61615

i'm not saying anyone has to buy me anything for Christmas, but if anybody wants to i wont turn them down lol, especially if they get me something from my Wish List!