In 1987 a 15 year old version of myself screamed his lungs as Michael Jackson sizzled and popped his way, seemingly on thin air, accross the floor of the Brisbane Entertainment Centre.   He wore a shiny silver stage costume with black buckles on the shoulder and I swear I was so close I can still remember his perfume. 



It's 22 years later and today I woke up and dubbed it 'Michael Jackson Day'.   I'd booked tickets to go see his 'This Is It' movie and visit the exhibition of his costumes and memorabilia at the 02 Arena in London.

I had mixed feelings about the film prior to going in.   I'd heard all the hype from the advertising machine and I'd heard the conspiracy theories from those who felt the film was cashing in.   But somewhere in the middle I guess the chance to see my childhood hero on the big screen and on the precipice of a triumphant return was the feeling that trumped them all.   Truth be told, even when tickets went on sale for the original concert that never was to be, I was skeptical.  I'd seen M.J live many times, but the last time was in NYC in 2001 and he was clearly struggling.

I didn't blame him - what was left after the trials and tribulations of the child abuse accusations was a frail man, unsure of himself and gun shy in a spot light of humiliation and degradation.  He seemed as though his spirit had been broken, that he'd become  overwhelmed by the vultures and the fame monster.

That was a few days before September 11 2001. 
I remember the show so clearly, not only because of its proximity to such a tragic date in history - but because I had seen my hero fall to the ground.  After the concert
I had the overwhelming feeling that something was wrong, and I changed my plans dramatically to leave NYC earlier than planned.  I was supposed to come home on September 11 (on a flight that would eventually, sadly, perish) and instead I chose to come home a few days earlier.

When I woke up on September 11 the world would never be the same.
For Michael Jackson, I guess this was true in a way none of us could have imagined back then.

Fast forward to recent times, and Michael had survived round 2 of scandal and accusation.
Only this time, perhaps only barely.  We all know the story so I don't have to repeat it here.  But the memory is one of a man on the run.  From us.  From Them.  From himself.  Less than half the man he used to be, seemingly stripped of his accolades and certainly his dignity.   

Let me back it up by saying, M.J is and was my hero growing up.   I didn't have a positive male role model in my life - and when I was teased at school for being a 'faggot' or 'queer' I looked up to this man who seemed to be both male and female to me.  Strength and sensitivity.  Subtlety and electric shock force in one.  And when the world called him strange, I just saw myself reflected back.   I saw a spirit that could not be broken.  When I first saw him in concert, I think I've mentioned before, I suddenly knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  This feeling was the polar opposite of how I'd felt in New York in 2001. 

So the idea of seeing M.J on stage again in 2009 - in a show that many suggested was a 'have to' instead of a 'want to' situation - I wasn't eager to bear witness.
Not because I didn't love Michael or appreciate his talent.  I think it's because (and I'm ashamed to admit) I didn't really really think he could pull it off.  And I wanted to remember Michael as the hero who inspired me.  And not as the man the world turned him in to.
 
2 months before the 'This Is It' tour was due to open I got into a major Michael phase.  I was ravenous about the 'Bad' tour (the first one I ever saw) and his costumes back then. Especially that silver shirt.   I began frantically seraching for rare concert footage and listening to his albums daily.  So much so that my other half thought I was losing it.

At the last minute, like most people, I bought a golden ticket to his show.

And a few weeks later, Michael had died.

Tonight, I've seen the film which is essentially a document of the rehearsal and almost dress rehearsal of what Michael's farewell performances were going to be.   And I was filled with awe and sadness.

Awe in the scale, scope and ambition of the stage show.
Awe of Michael's spirit and talent - still present even in rehearsal mode.
But incredibly sad that he was robbed the opportunity to do these shows that would have reclaimed his dignity once and for all.

Like most people, I guess I had underestimated him.
If you believe the hype, he was barely present at rehearsals.  He was ill (he did seem dramatically under weight) and 'out of it'.    But what I saw, was a 50 year old man remembering his magic.   I saw glimpses of brilliance and the possibility of a reclamation of respect from his peers and critics alike. 

Walking through the halls of memorabilia afterwards, I found myself again filled with sadness and gratitude.   So glad that the positive things about him seem to be the ones that linger.   So sad that the silver shirt that I had reached out for in hysteria, separated by a crash barrier and layers of security, lasers and fog - was now inches from my hands.  Not even behind glass.   There.  Touchable.  Real. 

I don't know what the lesson in any of this is.
I know the shock for me was seeing something so untouchable, so superhuman, appear to tangiable and, dare I say it, mortal.
But perhaps the biggest thought I'm left with is the need to appreciate things in the moment - and celebrate the blessings we're given when we have them.  
Becuase as I watched the film the thought that kept playing over in my head was 'if only we had him for a little while longer.  If only more people could have seen this'.

But that's the thing with 'if only'....

Macmillan are a fantastic charity that work tirelessly with families and those battling cancer to provide care, support and dignity to all affected.  They have launched a celebrity shoe auction and I have provided a pair of my own shoes, autographed, to help raise money for this worthwhile charity.

Originally written on 18 July 2009 for member's of 'Delicacy' Darren's official fan club at www.darrenhayes.com

So much has happened since the last time I blogged I don’t quite know what to fill you in on.  You see I try to be more cryptic with twitter and myspace.  So although I’ve been filling you in on tid bits I haven’t really being entirely honest.  Hehe. Where do I start?  Well, once again, this album is being recorded in a very different manner in which my last one was.  I’d say it’s more like ‘The Tension and The Spark’ in it’s execution in that there really aren’t demos as such as rough versions that continue to be worked on.

Last album, I really wasn’t sure of the sound until I’d written ‘How To Build A Time Machine’ and then I went back on the many songs I had written as demos and transformed them in the studio mostly with Shave.

This time, I’ve been sure of the direction from the start – and have been delegating my time in the studio to either ‘my’ album or ‘others’.  Occasionally a song I have written for someone else ends up becoming ‘mine’ (mwhahahah) probably by a case of self sabotage more than anything else.  I write a song at the request of a label or for the intention of submitting it to an artist but fall in love with it in the process and then cross my fingers hoping it won’t get selected.  A few times that has happened I can look back and see ‘wow – I was really writing that for me!’.

Specifically one of my favorite songs so far in the pile for consideration for my record is one written with the Swedish songwriter.  The minute we wrote it I felt a bit of sadness because I felt I’d stumbled upon the sound of my new direction and yet we had agreed to give it away.  The short story is that it was eventually not chosen to be recorded by the BIG RECORD COMPANY ARTIST and I got my greedy hands back on it.  But either way, that song inspired the sound that would continue on many more songs I’ve ear marked as possibilities for my record.

How am I choosing?  Simply based on the theme and visual landscape I’ve had in my head all along.   I’ve mentioned before I’ve had a working title and a ton of images and writing on my laptop for a year now.   So that helps me zero in on the character of the songs.  Occasionally my two worlds collide but in general I’m able to tell immediately if a song is more ‘me’ than someone else and I work accordingly.

So there’s been more writing with the Swedes.  Nothing I’d put on my record yet.  But I worked with Brian West of Track and Field fame (google it) and wrote a song I’ll code name ‘E’ which was instantly a keeper for me.  We worked in the Sony ATV building in the West End for a few days and it was so fun to pop out into Golden Square and grab a coffee and walk about soaking in the energy of London and then zip back upstairs to a private studio and create some magic.

More recently Robert Conley came back to London for the second trip to my studio to work on songs for the album.
We had a brilliant strike rate this trip.  We wrote a song I’ll code name ‘W’ and it’s a killer.  Big drums and frenetic sound.  Lots of energy and exactly what I think has been missing from the songs.  Then we wrote a heartbreaker if I say so myself.  I’ll code name it ‘L’.  I think it’s ‘that’ song on the record that many people can relate to.   It’s quite sad but universally so and came from a very raw place.  I said to Richard tonight that I was glad I had a home for such emotions because they are heavy to hold on to without support.  Fingers crossed it makes it on the album.

Next week Justin Shave arrives to do 2 weeks here – really just polishing up and transforming some songs I’ve ear marked and hopefully writing some more.

In the mean time, here’s some outside of the studio ramblings.   I’ve been cooking so much this year.  Richard has been quite busy with music videos.  He just did a new one for a little indie band and it was 3 weeks of post.  So I was cooking virtually every night and loving it.  For those who don’t believe I can make my way around a BBQ I took a pic of my skills at a party recently.   Also there’s a shot of my mic stand and vocal set up in the attic studio.  What else is there?  Oh a pic of me staring at the camera in the Sony ATV studio kitchen when I was working with Brian West.  And finally a picture of my biggest fan who was giving me love eyes from the couch hoping I’d take him for a walk.

I’ll write a new blog when Justin is here.  In the meantime join up to U Stream.  I’m thinking of posting some vids of my time with Justin if I can get my shiz together in time.   I just registered an account and it’s http://www.ustream.tv/DarrenHayes
I’ll give plenty of notice when I’m going to jump on.. but thought you should know soon!

Big love
D

I had a question posed to me on the forum over at my fanclub @  darrenhayes.com and I thought I'd post it and my response here.

I just finished a brand new video blog about making my new album.  It includes such thrilling moments as me making a cup of tea and banging on a paint tin. ;)

Originally written on 05 June 2009 for member's of 'Delicacy' Darren's official fan club at www.darrenhayes.com

As I type this, it’s Thursday night and I’ve just had what I call ‘Happy Love Day’ which is my way of describing a ‘date day’ with my lovely.   It was much needed because I’ve had 2 weeks straight of working hard on music and my brain is mush.   Nothing like some McLovin’ to make things better.   We love what we do and work so hard that it’s easy to take time together for granted.  So I sort of insist on some one on one time out of the house just to make us feel like a couple.

Right – so it’s been a lot of hard work.
To go back to a couple of weeks ago, I did a charity performance for the songwriter Rick Nowels at Home House in London.  It was for an organization, which raises money to allow children from economically, challenged backgrounds to have access to a basketball team with equipment, coaches and uniforms.   I did it for Rick simply because he asked and it was a delightful night, the highlight being seeing Belinda Carlisle perform her laundry lists of hits.  Loved it.  But it left me rather exhausted.

What many people probably don’t realize about me is that I have a love hate relationship with singing.   I love it for all the obvious reasons, but I’m always terribly nervous before I sing and then physically exhausted afterwards.  Combine that with the fact that I don’t have the most robust voice – in spite of taking care of it.  So I’m very susceptible to throat infections and general fatigue.    Which means my life is often in slavery to singing – not drinking alcohol (or rarely) – not drinking caffeine and mostly not using my voice unnecessarily (not going out to loud restaurants or bars, even not laughing loudly or screaming with joy).
Then there’s the constant water need.  Over 2 litres a day.  Preferably 3 or 4!  So it is an ordeal to say the least lol.

And I’m always knackered after a gig, as I was the day after this one and the day that Robert Conley arrived from Australia to work with me on writing and recording songs for my album.    But I guess it put me in a cool headspace.

At first we were both quite nervous.    We hadn’t written a thing together since writing ‘How to Build a Time Machine’ really.    And in that time Robert had seriously developed as a major songwriter in Australia being signed to Sony/ATV publishing and co writing the most played song on Australian radio of this year (Axle Whitehead’s ‘I don’t do surprises’).  He’d become more accomplished and the dynamic has definitely changed.  But for the better I would say.

He’s got a great sense of what is and what is not appropriate at radio which although is never my consideration, it’s nice to hear someone’s take on whether or not something is necessary or not.  And I like that aspect to the songwriting at the moment.  It balances out my desire to just go off on a zillion tangents.   But the tangents are still there.  I can’t help it!

The first song we worked on was a track I’ll call ‘N’.  It is a turbulent song about, well I won’t tell you what yet.   But I will say the entire album is about relationships and it’s very much first person and not metaphorical in the way my last album was.   So that song was written and recorded (in sort of 60% quality) in 2 days.

The next song we started to work on I’ll call ‘S’ and we had a basic production and melody sorted out and then something bizarre happened.   Our session was harpooned by an urgent request by a publisher and Syco, the Simon Cowell label, for me to attend a song writing camp to write tracks for the big 3 records they have coming out this year.   As I’ve probably explained, I’ve been doing work for this label a bit this year – and it’s a fun opportunity and one that doesn’t come along often so I had to do it.  But it was strange ripping myself out of ‘album’ mode and back into someone else’s.  But I’m sort of used to that on this record and in fact it’s what I’ve liked about it because I’m slowing building the house and I get to go off and garner new perspectives and bring back bits and pieces I like to the table.

Anyhoo – there were some amazing writers there.   Each day I worked for at least 16 hours and it was truly exhausting.   By the 3rd day I was ruined and came back to work with Rob and could hardly sing.
So for the next few days I was writing my melodies by whistling instead of singing, and then eventually playing them note-by-note on the piano which I rarely do. 

But once again, really nice happy accident because the guitar sessions that Steve Young did, only really had simple melodies to bounce off and it made for a really lean and tight use of arrangement.   You could clearly hear what did and what did not support the melody.

Anyway to regress, the song ‘S’ is the song about messing things up in a major way.  It is dramatic and sweeping and I can imagine the album opening with it.  I’ll never over explain these songs as I always want your own interpretations – but there are many layers to these songs.   Sometimes I think people might listen and think ‘oh my god Darren’s relationship is breaking down’.  Because many of the songs discuss friction and yearning and loss.  But that’s obviously not the case at all.  I’m using the songs to vent about everyone and everything but using love songs as the medium.   I think songs about relationships and love are what define me – and the language through which most of my therapy is done.   So on this record, I’d day that’s what I mean about ‘return to form’ or ‘pop’.    It’s about universal themes. 

On to the subject of ‘Pop with a capital P’ I want to stop saying that about this record because you might be expecting me to make a sugary pop record and it couldn’t be further from that.   It’s more ‘Bat For Lashes’ than it is ‘Lady Ga Ga’.  It’s pop in terms of melody and accessibility but it’s definitely deep and layered and interesting.

Right, on to the 3rd song.  It’s a song I started writing with Steve Young when he played me a chord progression he’d written.    I had tears in my eyes when I first heard it over 6 months ago and I’ve been promising him ever since that I’d write a song to it.   Robert and I took Steve’s chords and turned them into verses, then he and I wrote a chorus progression and added that to the song.   The result is probably the album title track (but honestly you never know – with at least a year away from release and more songwriting planned I have no idea what will and wont’ make the final cut).   But I can say it’s exactly how I hoped it would be – and is full of e-bow guitar.   Just gorgeous. 

Right now I’m taking a week off from everything and next week am doing some writing for more ‘other people’.   I won’t be working on my album again until Shave gets here in July.   So I’ll update more about the progress when he touches down.
There are 11 finished songs in the can now – with another 3 planned to be finished in July and then more writing planned after.   The goal is still 20 songs so choose a definitive album from.   Wish me luck!

xxD

Originally written on 28 May 2009 for member's of 'Delicacy' Darren's official fan club at www.darrenhayes.com

I guess I have started working on my album. If you don't want to know any of the details then avoid blogs titled 'making of the album' like this one. And read no further.

It's weird playing cloak and dagger about the details because unlike the last record, where I didn't know I was starting it until suddenly I had a bunch of songs and I set a definite time line and location. This one has been worked on in short sharp bursts at the moment. My plan is that by August I will have a short list of songs that I intend to go on the record - and then I'll make a decision about what extra works needs to be done recording and writing wise, and eventually set a date for mixing.

August deadline is more for business reasons than release ones. There are certain partners that I need to get on board to make sure this record sees the light of day - and I want to be able to present a very good demo version of the album by that stage. I would probably mix it either late this year or earlier next year but I don't imagine it would be released any time sooner than mid or late 2010. But you said you wanted to be in on the process so here it is!

There are about 7 songs that already sit on my ipod in a playlist that I call 'new album'. I don't know if they'll all end up on there but a good deal of them will. A couple of them came from meeting with other songwriters and working on songs for other artists. It's been a wonderful accident really because the subconscious mind thought I was not making my own album so I could 'do what I wanted to do' which ironically meant that I was in fact doing exactly what I wanted to do without the pressure of thinking that I had to deliver for me. As a result, whether it's because I put my own personal stamp on them too much or they just didn't fit the brief, many of the songs remained in my custody. There is one and potentially two songs that are being recorded by quite a big pop group - but it's never official until it happens so I'll let you know if it does. Anyway, back to my story - I started to realize that I was in fact writing songs for my new album, albeit with some new collaborators. Looking back (some of you can probably remember more than I can) I think most of my albums begin without me consciously saying 'I am now officially making an album'. I usually need some kind of diversion to get myself out of 'myself' to allow a new process to kick in. With 'Tension..' that was a 'side project' with Robert Conley. With 'Delicate..' it was writing songs for the Savage Garden 'Best of' and experimenting to find a new sound. In all of those examples, I most certainly was not making an album until I looked back and realized I had a lot of the songs.

Such has been the process this time. And in terms of the pop direction, this has been a really happy accident. I was first approached by a major pop label to write songs for their artists. They hooked me up with various people I'd never met before and my eyes were widened. The preconceptions I had about 'pop' were tumbling down like a house of cards because I was loving the songs and learning so much in the process of working with people who do it day in and day out. For me, as an artist, it's easy to just come up with material when I need it. But for some of these guys it's a high stakes profession where they are expected to come up with the goods. So their expertise and my fluidity has been a wonderful match. So there's a few names I've worked with that I'll mention later when it becomes more confirmed, but one is from Sweden, one is English but has had lots of U.S hits, one is American and an old friend and major hit maker. Of my old friends obviously one is Justin Shave and the other is Robert Conley. Who I am working with in the studio as we speak.

Robert is here for 2 weeks and then I am doing more work with other writers for a bit before Justin Shave comes over for a few weeks to do some stuff. After Justin I might end up going back to Sweden for a bit and possibly working with some more people. The goal is to have more material than I could possibly want.

My aim for this record is for it to be the best of what I do. I feel like an olympic athlete and I'm gearing up for the best competition of my life. I have something to prove to myself as well as all of you. I want to take some of the artistry and the emotion that I've been able to develop over the last two albums but pair that up with the most lean and melodically strong and unforgettable songs you've ever heard on the radio. So in some ways it follows that this record might be considered a 'return to form' (I hate that phrase) or a more accessible record. But I like to think of it as me reclaiming something that is mine. Sneaking my quirks and theatrics into the mainstream via the undeniable medium of melody. If that is what makes a good pop record (and when I say a good pop record I mean something like Madonna's 'Like a Prayer' album or The Killers 'Hot Fuss' - just wall to wall great songs) then that is what I'm trying to make. A classic album. Not the sound of those albums, but the strength if you know what I mean.

There's a pretty strong theme running through a lot of it - obviously it's not a concept album but honestly, aren't all albums (or shouldn't they) have some kind of unifying idea? This one stems from a lot of imagery I've collected over the past year, poems and lyrics I've been hiding away and observations, hopes and fears about life and love. Mostly it began from a memory of a painting that once hung in my parent's house and a story someone told me. It's a big metaphor for life and relationships and I can't wait until it becomes less foggy and more clear and presentable to you.
Let me try to tell you a story about some of the songs. Let me start with the Swedish ones. One of them, that I'll call 'B' is literally gobsmackingly awesome. It was initially written for someone huge but it made it to the final rounds and wasn't chosen. Thank you Jesus is all I can say because handing it over was like giving over a child to a stranger. When it was written I actually said 'that is the sound of my new album' so it's very serendipitous that it's still in my possession. Even if it doesn't end up on my album it deeply shaped the sound of it so either way it's a blessing. There's still some debate over whether another artist at the label might record it but we're holding pretty firm on the fact that I've now fallen in love with it and I can no longer bear to part ways. I'll keep you updated.

The next song, was written with Justin Shave and I'll call it 'G'. It was a direct reaction to the sound of 'B' and is probably my favorite song so far. I'm not sure. It's massive. Theatrical. Celebratory. Gothic. Religious. Massive.

The next song I'll call 'D' was written with a super dooper massive song writer producer extraordinaire who I found intimidating at first and then lovely. It's what some people are saying could be a first single. Simple powerful song that explodes into something huge at the end. Love it.

Song 'T' is 'Up' and sad at the same time. Again written with the swede. Big vocals bloody high notes. I love it

Song 'L' was inspired by the film 'Let the right one in'. Very moody and cinematic. Again written with the Swede.

Song 'S' is possibly the title track. Written with the swede, almost a stream of consciousness melody in reaction to a poem I had written specifically for the song months beforehand. In many ways the whole point of the record. A real departure for me in terms of sound. Hard to describe. Tiny but panoramic.

The song I wrote with Robert (I'll call N) was finished just yesterday. It's a big joyful chorus and bittersweet sentiment juxtaposed.

The second one (I'll call 'S'), still needs lyrics but is already one of my favorites on the record. He and I have come up with a totally unique sound for the two of us. We've never done anything like these two songs before.

So that pretty much brings you up to date on where we are at.

Let's see where it takes us!

In the meantime