There is no way in hell he could really want to be Prime Minister. If there was, then there is no way in hell he'd be talking about implementing a carbon tax now. Seriously, with gas hovering around $1.25 a liter, is really the best time to be talking about a carbon tax? And while we're at it, let's talk about how the carbon tax will cause most people to pay more to heat their homes. Hey, with oil hitting record highs, trading at $125 a barrel, there's really no better time to talk about adding more to the cost of that.

Sure, there have been some successes in Europe with the implementation of carbon taxes. But that usually comes at the expense of the manufacturing sector, when the plants, unable to compete just close up shop or move to a more competitive jurisdiction. Given the recent news that both Ford and GM are shutting plants, the loss of thousands of manufacturing jobs in the past 3 years, and the erosion of our cost advantage because of our high Canadian dollar, is now really the best time to be talking about a carbon tax?

Let's also think about what that would do to the price of food. Already, globally, the price of commodities (grain, corn, rice, soy beans) are hitting record highs due to increasing demand (increasing modernization in India and China and increased demand for biofuels) and poor growing seasons. While the impact has yet to be fully felt here, in the next few months, we'll see the price of food begin to rise, dramatically in some cases. All food needs to be shipped, so by adding a carbon tax, you're adding to the input costs associated with the final product, thereby further adding to the cost increase.

Then, let's talk about the economy as a whole. The US is already in a recession, people losing their houses at an unprecedented pace, consumer confidence reaching 15 year lows, further expected writedowns and job losses in the financial sector and a slowdown in the manufacturing sector. Some are equating this to like nothing seen since the Great Depression. So far, Canada has fared reasonably well because of our concentration of energy and commodities, but the manufacturing sector is bleeding. We are also dangerously close falling into a recession. So really, is now the best time to be talking about a carbon tax??

So again, let me reiterate, Stephan Dion does not want to be Prime Minister. If he did, he sure as hell wouldn't be talking about a carbon tax now. Sure, the carbon tax is for the environment. And I guess if Mr. Dion gets his wish, you'll be thankful you paid the carbon tax to save the environment when you're living outside because you're unemployed, you don't have anywhere to live and you can't get anywhere. But hey, at least you'll have clean air to breath.

I haven't written a blog in a while so I thought, what the hell. Why not? Sorry it's so long.

But this past weekend, I had an experience on the road that I just had to share. Brian Hope, Jason Blanchard and myself headed on down the old 401 to the 402 and landed down in good old Sarnia Ontario. We were booked to do a show at a place called the Trinity Lounge. It used to be an old strip joint, but luckily for the crowd, the brass poles have been removed, otherwise they would have seen the way I can dance around a pole. That probably sounded way dirtier than I wanted it to, but hey, what can you do?

So we pull into town and arrive at the hotel that Mr. Hope booked for us. Now for those of you who don't know, Mr. Hope is quite well versed in the Hotel industry, having spent many years working for various hotel chains. So, naturally, I thought that he, with all that experience, would book us into a nice place.

The place that we were booked into was a lovely hotel called the Chipican Motel. Not a hotel. No, that would have been too classy. This was a motel. At first, from the parking lot, at dusk, it didn't seem that bad. Then we started walking to our rooms. We get up to the second floor and most of the screens on the doors are gone. We open up our room and the first thing I notice was the smell. It smelled like a mix of Windex and desperation. The bedspread must have really been something – back in 1972, which co-incidentally was the last time it looked like the hotel was cleaned.

There was hair in the shower. Now, hair in the shower wouldn't be that bad, if it were mine. But I have no idea what kind of hair this was. I'm not even sure it was human. And the place has a no pet policy. Yeah, like the biggest hygene issue in the place would be from a pet. Or, maybe the SPCA had been in for an inspection and deemed it unfit for animals. The next little bit of luxury was the mold and mildew in the shower and the corners in the bathroom. But by far, the piece de resistance was the hole in the back of the bathroom door that the hotel staff had "fixed" – with masking tape and some spray paint. I'm not sure, but I think I also saw blood stains on the walls and on the back of the door in the bathroom. Classy!

It was the worst place I've ever stayed in, and I've stayed at some shitholes. To give you an idea how bad it is, I did some digging on the internet and found out that the city of Sarnia uses this place as an emergency homeless shelter. Or I should say that they did. They sent in inspectors and decided that this place was even too run down for the homeless. Now that is saying something.

So we did the show. The show itself was really good. It was organized by Michelle Dionne, who runs SarniaRocks.com. I have no idea how many people were there. 60? 70? 100? No idea, but the place was full. And they were a great crowd too. Everybody was out to have a great time, and I think everybody did. But just a tip for the kids, it's not always the best idea to close on a battered woman joke.

Michelle then invited us out to a local bar called Boomerangs. Her and a bunch of her friends were out celebrating her birthday. Having spent my formative years in Peterborough, Boomerangs brought back a ton of memories. It reminded me a lot of a place called Copperfields. Well, Copperfields and 1985. There was a good mix of both acid wash a mullets, and there was a band there who were really good. (that's not even a joke, they were pretty good. Can't remember the name of them, but they were pretty solid.)

But the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking damn, we have to go back to the Chipican. I was tempted to try to pick up a lady just to crash at her place. But I called my girlfriend Sam and she wouldn't let me do that, so I went with plan B – 18 Budweiser's and a meat lover's pizza.

At the bar, we're talking to some of Michelle's friends and they inform us that there are a couple of drug dealers working out of the Chipican. Perfect. Just what I need. I think that one of them was beside my room. The whole night they were playing this god awful techno shit followed by some pussy ass R&B shit. I don't know what was more annoying to Blanchard, that music, or my 6 straight hours of snoring. Rumour has it he has some of it on tape.

Finally, I pass out and wake up well rested on top of the bedspread, fully clothed with a towel wrapped around my head. I didn't want to get scabies, bed bugs or head lice from this place you know. What I didn't know is you get a complimentary tick bath and de-lousing at the restaurant next door- a very nice touch, or so I thought.

So all in, it was a successful trip. Michelle seemed to like us. In fact, they've booked another show in April and are tentatively looking to do shows in July and October. I know I am really looking forward to getting back there again. But it looks like I'll have to wait until the July show, which is great, because I've heard Sarnia is a really fun place in the summer. But if you're around in Sarnia on April 19, pop by the Trinity Lounge and check out Todd Van Allen, Andrew Evans and comic to be named later who are on the bill. It'll be a great show. Enjoy the Chipican my friends. Enjoy!

I really respect the work that our government does for us. On July 7, they issued a warning that ground beef products sold in some Safeway stores with a best before date of May 24, may be contaminated. 6 weeks after the expiration date? Do you think? Have we really become so stupid as a society that we need a government warning to tell us that meat 6 weeks past it's expiration date might be contaminated? It may have gone bad? Really? If you're knowingly eating meat 6 weeks past it's expiration date, maybe a little e-coli and salmonella salad is just what you need to knock a little sense into your empty skull.

I think the government should just keep it's mouth shut and let the stupid people eat the 6 week old meat. Let them get sick and die. If nothing else, it'll cut down on the wait times for hip and knee replacements. It's win win really. The world has less stupid people in it, and I can get my new knee a week earlier.

So the big Live Earth show went off on the weekend. They had 8 concerts on 7 continents, bringing together some of the biggest rock and roll combo's working today. The point was to raise awareness of global warming or climate change or whatever they hell they're calling it these days. One of the key messages was that the organizers (Al "Tubby" Gore) wants, is a 90% cut in carbon emissions by 2025 and an international treaty in place by 2009. Very laudable goals in my oh so humble opinion.

So what better way to drive this point than to have a series of giant rock concerts. Amplified rock shows at that. According to the UK paper the Daily Mail, they did a quick back of the envelope calculation on what the shows would accomplish.

Here's what they figured:
• The total miles flown by the rock stars to get to the shows was estimated at 222,624 miles, which is apparently the equivalent of going around the world 9 times. Not bad.
• The carbon footprint created by the artists and the concert goers is estimated to be 31,5000 tonnes of carbon emissions.
• Factor in the TV audience watching at home and the number jumps up to 74,500 tonnes of carbon emissions. In comparison, the per capita average in Canada is 23 tonnes per year!! In other words, to raise awareness of this issue, spewed out the annual contribution of over 3200 Canadians in a 24 hour period. That makes perfect sense to me.
• Add to that the garbage produced at the stadiums. I'm not even talking about the music here, but the waste. It's estimated to be over 1000 tons that will go directly into landfill.

Not too shabby to "raise awareness". I'm fully aware of the problem. Thanks for pointing that out to me. Talk about an inconvenient truth eh?

And the best part is that Al "Tubby" Gore is claiming that this event will be carbon neutral. Now I'm no math genius, but that's a lot of offsetting credits to be bought to make this thing carbon neutral. You have these clowns telling me to buy a hybrid car and change my lightbulbs to those compact fluorescent ones and they're pulling this kind of shit!! Bite me you environmentalists! Go back to hugging your trees, eating your granola and let me drive my regular car and have my lightbulbs in peace.

With childhood obesity reaching "epidemic" levels in today's society, the Globe and Mail asked "Who is brave enough to tell you your child is fat?"

Well, you know what? I'll do it. Hell, I'll tell you your kid is fat. And just for fun, I'll even go the extra mile and point out which of your kids are stupid, geeks, losers, posers, idiots, dumbasses, douchebags, annoying, lame, irritating, and morons. And if you act now, I'll even point out the kids that most likely to end up being gay.

After 20 minutes with me, all the parents in the room will be on the floor in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm thinking I might have to change my name to Dave "Reality Check" Paterson.

I had a great time in Brockville on Friday night! How many times in your life do you get to say that? So far, I'm at 1.

Todd Van Allen, Andrew Evans and I headed out there to do a show on a boat. The official name of the event was The Ship of Fools Comedy Cruise. Personally, I prefer the simpler, and much more hip, in a Samuel L. Jackson sort of way, Jokes on a Boat moniker. But then what do I know?

Either way, it went fairly well, all things considered. The big downside of the night is that ticket sales were a little slow. Apparently I'm not the draw that my mom thinks I am. We were originally scheduled to do 2 shows, but sales were such that it made more sense to do 1 cruise full, rather than 2 half full shows. A wise move indeed.

The layout of the boat was great for comedy. It had a central focus area and a decent sound system. And the crowds, while they may have only filled one boatload, they laughed enough for 2. Special note goes out to the loudest of the laughers, Mike and the Lock from the BOB FM morning show. Honestly, we could have done the cruise with just those 2 and had enough laughs to make us feel like rock stars.

Every one we met in town was great and treated us with amazing hospitality. From Captain Andy and his posse who seemed to enjoy themselves, to the friendly people from BOB FM, Mike, Sam, the Lock, and Roberto. Honestly though, every time we play shows in eastern Ontario, it's the same response, whether it's Ottawa, Gananoque, Delta and now Brockville, the folks make us feel welcome and are a real treat to perform for. I'd almost do it for free. (Key word, almost since beer is expensive and motel rooms aren't cheap)

But as per usual, the best part of any road trip is the hanging out with the other comics on the show. Evans, proudly displaying his brand new pink iPod shuffle packed with 256 songs – the entire 9 inch Nails catalogue and a bunch of crap that his boss' crazy brother's band did on a weekend heroin binge in Tijuana. There is one song I can't get out of my head and if I can't get rid of it soon, suicide might be a viable option. Doo doo doo dute do do dute do do dute di dute di do. Fuck!!!

On the way up there was all the requisite taking the piss out of each other. I really don't know how comics can get an ego hanging out with other comics. The critiques of your set with such helpful tips as "You know in that joke you do about the boat, remember the part where you talk about the motor? You know what would work well there? A punchline!!!" Thanks, I feel better about myself already.

Then there was the post show boozing at a local pub, the Key something or other. Nice patio, and those who know me, know my love of the patio. We were joined by the radio people and some other people from the boat line and we pretty much closed the place. All I know is that it's a good thing we bought 36 beers, but more importantly, it's a good thing we left them in my trunk. Let's just say the people in room 109 at the Best Western are not impressed with the Jokebook Entertainment comics. But hey, that's the price you pay when you stay in the same hotel as M to R-List Celebrities in Canadian show business.

Hopefully the ticket sales for the next shows will grow and we can make this an annual trip. We are definitely looking forward to our return visits to eastern Ontario in the next few months. If anybody cares, I'm scheduled to be back in August, so get off your wallets and buy your tickets now so we can do 2 shows.

A study was released the other day listing the most expensive cities in the world to live in. Surprisingly, Toronto only ranked 47th, up dramatically from 82nd the year before.

But you know, you really have to hand it to our city council. They want Toronto to be number 1 in all areas, and really, why wouldn't you? And now, thanks to their new tax on garbage, their proposed land transfer tax on housing sales of between 0.5% and 2%, and a $60 tax on renewing your vehicle registration, we might just crack the top 10 of the most expensive cities in the world next year! Dare to dream my friends, dare to dream.

You gotta love our mayor. Not only does he have nice hair, but he's never met a special interest group or social program he didn't like. Why reign in spending when you can just keep taxing the shit out of everybody? Hey, people will pay it right? We're all making good money right? We're all not already paying way too much for housing and other things in this city, right? You know, I didn't go any further in debt last year, so you know what, you'd better increase my expenses so I can rack up more debt, because hey, who needs a retirement fund? Who needs savings? Hey politicians, why don't you just go to my bank account and take what little money I have left over because obviously you know how to spend it way better than I do.

You know, David Miller and those lefty city councilors just might be the best recruiting tool that places like Markham, Mississauga, Pickering and even Oshawa have ever had.
But hey, why not, when we can be top 10 in the world? Sure, quality of life is starting to suck something fierce, and people may soon not be able to afford to live here, but hey, what does it matter when you live in TO?

I'm a little surly this morning, I had to get out of bed early to do a radio interview for the comedy show I'm doing in Brockville on June 22. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be funny at 8:30 in the morning? At least I didn't have to get out of bed at 4 in the morning to drive to Mississauga to perform on the Q107 Derringer comedy contest only to lose to John Ki by one point. But I'm not bitter because I didn't have to put on pants for this interview. But it was fun. They didn't hurt me too much and I did 5 to 7 minutes with them and it flew by.

But what made this difficult to get out of bed for was that I had done a show in Buffalo last night. Kristen Becker runs a room at a place called Nietzsche's or however the hell you spell that. It's a cool little bar in the Allentown district of Buffalo and it's just a couple of blocks from Mecca, I mean the Anchor Bar, which is of course the home of the chicken wing.

I went down with Jason Blanchard and we hit the Anchor Bar for 20 hot wings. Okay, I had 20 hot and Blanchard the pussy had mild. What's the point of that? Mild wings. Come on!

Then we hit Nietzsche's. It is probably one of the coolest bars I've been to. It's kind of like the bar on cover of Led Zeppelin's In Through the Out Door album. If you don't know that album or worse, you don't know who Led Zeppelin is, you can't be my friend anymore. It's no Zeppelin IV, or even a Zeppelin II, but it's still a pretty solid effortand way better than 90% of the shit that passes for music today. I'm looking at you Nickelback and Maroon 5! But I digress.

The crowd was a bit on the small side, but they were attentive and seemed to like me. That's what it's all about. I'll sell my soul for a crowd to like me. I did a decent 13:56, which was well short of my allotted 15. I apologized profusely to Kristen for being way short, and she understood, but did warn me that I can't let it become a habit in her room. Blanchard went up and did a solid 20.

It was cool to have all the comics come up after and tell us that they really liked our stuff. That's quite a change from here when you get unwavering support from guys like Brian Hope who will come up to you after a set and say "That new bit was okay, but you know what it needs?? A punchline!!" Thanks for the tip asshole.

But all in all, I'd go back there in a second and hope to head down there again either later in the summer or early in the fall. I guess if nothing else it gives me the incentive I need to finally get off my ass and get my passport renewed.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted a new blog. Why? Sadly, I've been busy with other things so I haven't been real motivated to write. That includes jokes too. But anybody who knows me personally knows that I haven't written a new joke in over 6 years.

On an unrelated note, it was 4 years ago this month that I first stepped on to the comedy stage. Of course, it took me a month or two to get the balls to get back up again, but once I caught that fever, I haven't looked back. Now, 4 years and countless show later, I'm right where I started, except, if you can believe it, a bit more bitter and jaded.

As I enter into year 5 on this twisted comedy journey, things are looking pretty good. Me and the Jokebook guys (Andrew Evans, Jason Blanchard, Brian Hope & Todd Van Allen) have a few shows lined up over the summer, I'll be heading back to Ottawa again hopefully in the fall, and I can play the Fox anytime I want. Apart from groupies, what more could you ask for?

I've had some pretty cool shows in the past month or so. I did a goth/burlesque show that was pretty fun. Mike Harrison booked me for it thinking that I was going to bomb. Well, if I'd have bailed after about the first 3 or 4 minutes, he'd have been right. But I hung in there and ended up winning them over and now, I am the King of the Goths. (Fuck you Harrison!! You owe me a beer when you get back into town.) They love me. But then again, how could they not? I, like them am afraid of the sun, but in my case, not because I want that porcelen white look, but rather I don't want to look like lobster boy. I don't tan, I burn. Plus, I look pretty damn good in pasty's. Gotta love it.

I also have been hosting Ein-Stein's a bit lately. I know a lot of people have mixed views on that room, but I'll be honest, I love hosting it. It's a challenge to get and keep anybody's attention, and I can just do what I want. It allows me the freedom to try things and do things that I'd never do in other rooms, and because of that room, I've become a bit better comic. I hosted there on Sunday and it was a battle. It was fun to watch a couple of the comics kind of lose it on a crowd in the back of the bar that couldn't care less about comedy. As one comic said, it's all the benefits of playing Fort McMurray in the comfort of downtown Toronto.

Anyway, that's enough for today. If anybody needs me I'll be down at the Greenwood Teletheatre betting on the ponies. I've got a system and my horse is running at Belmont in the 7th. Wish me luck!

Again, thank you Federal Government. You are really pissing me off.

Yesterday in Parliament, the opposition was debating whether or not Phoenix Coyote player Shane Doan, is a suitable captain for Team Canada at the World Championships. Now this question doesn't have anything to do with his ability as a player, or his character in the dressing room. No, what our government, the people to whom I pay a shitload of money in taxes are worrying about, is an alleged comment he made back in 2005 about some French referees. It is to the point where they are bringing representatives from Hockey Canada to testify before a parliamentary committee.

According to Jack Layton, (a more brilliant hockey mind I do not know), having Doan as team captain will cast a shadow and dampen enthusiasm regarding Canada's participation in the event. No, the enthusiasm is dampened because it's the World Championships. You could have the love child of Sydney Crosby, Wayne Gretzky, and Bobby Orr as the Captain and nobody really cares about it. It's the NHL playoffs and you know what, that's what people care about.

Whether he made the alleged comments isirrelevant. It has no bearing on his ability as a player, nor on his ability as a leader. Political correctness has no place in hockey. Guess what, things get said on the ice that have no place in off ice society. I've personally been called a fat fuck, a bastard, and the "C" word among other things. And I've personally called people bastards, questioned the virtue of thier mothers, and told them to fuck off and quit crying. It's a tough game. If you have an issue with somebody on the ice, it should be dealt with on the ice. End of story!!

But you know why stuff like that happens? It's an emotional, physical game, played by people with passion. Tempers flare in the heat of the moment and the gentler among us might be offended by what happens on the ice. If the thought of that offends you, fuck off. Go watch soccer. Go watch rhythmic gymnastics. Go watch a bit of figure skating, but keep this pussified bullshit out of hockey.

Hey government, here's a thought, take some of my hard earned tax dollars and go out and buy a clue and bit of perspective. Why not spend your time focusing on what's really important to this great country of ours - education, healthcare, the economy, and the environment. Who is captain for Team Canada in a tournament that very few care about isn't the best use of your time, and my money. Deal with it!