This morning, about 4:30am, my dad passed away.  I went to visit him a couple of times yesterday and last night he was relatively alert.  I knew that the improvement over Wednesday and Thursday was temporary, as it is not unusual for a person to be more alert and responsive just before they die.

We are hoping to have the funeral on Friday.  I do not know the place or time or even the date for sure.  Lehi Stake Building is still not finished, so we will have to decide whether to use the 6th ward building on Mesa Dr. & University or the Salt River Stake building, which is where both Lennie and I have church.   I will update as I find out.

This is a different experience all the way around with my dad's passing compared to my mom.  The one thing that is the same is how strangely empty I feel.  I'm not crying much... instead I just feel like I'm drifting along on a calm sea, bobbing along on the surface, waiting for the storm to hit.  I am very tired... but I do not want to take another nap today.  I need to wait until it's dark and time for bed.

I was up at 2:30am with Dominic and when I went back to bed, I did not sleep much.  I had this vision of my mom walking through the gate at Arbor House.  This was before my dad passed away, as the nurse gave him pain meds at 4am and checked on him at 4:30 and then 4:40, finding he had passed away between 4:30 and 4:40.  Perhaps my mom did go through the gate at 3-ish?  ;-)  Actually, I think she and my Grandma Starks were there all along, but he may have been able to recognize them yesterday? 

I am so grateful for the nurses and staff at Hospice of the Valley.  I would recommend them to anyone... It takes a special person to care for the terminally ill, and HOV has wonderful, caring people working there.

I am also grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the Atonement and for the restored Gospel so that I do not need to fear.  I know that I will be with my parents and my family once again... This provides great comfort.  What strength and joy comes from the Savior and the miracle of his atonement.  I love my family and I want to be with them forever.

I will update the funeral arrangements as I know them...  Thank you to all who have offered up positive thoughts and prayers on behalf of my dad and my family.

Love, Dece

It's Sunday morning and baby boy slept through the night... yay!  He's still in bed, not stirring too much.  I hear the birds outside amplified through the baby monitor.  Go to sleep birdies!  And then, of course, the sun has been up for a while.  I cannot wait for the sun to start coming up later and later.  I am so NOT a morning person.

I had a rough time sleeping (thus the reason I am up at 5:30am instead of in bed, snoozing away).  A terrible migraine captured me yesterday and I fought it with Motrin, diet Coke, and finally 2 doses of Excedrin Migraine.  That does not make for an easy night's sleep.  I was plenty tired, but wired...

My dad is still in ICU, but will likely be going to hospice tomorrow.  We met with the HOV person on Friday morning, but Dad was not ready to forego the aquaferisis at that point.  I cannot imagine how scary it is to give up medical intervention and put his life into the Lord's hands to decide when he will pass on.  This is a different scenario than when my mom was at the end of her life, a year ago.  Mom was unable to speak to us, unable to eat, she was hanging on by an invisible thread.  Dad knows what is going on, can speak and eat (though he has terrible nausea and doesn't always keep it down), and is making this decision for himself. 

There is comfort in having been through hospice before.  I know from my own eyes that Dad will be treated with compassion and will be kept comfortable.  I can bring my children to see him.  I can visit him at any time, day or night. 

There is another meeting with HOV this afternoon.  I plan to attend that, if for no other reason than to support my Dad as well as my brother Lennie who has done so much to help my dad.  He has been the go-to-guy for all things concerning Dad.  I am so grateful for Lennie and his strength.  I feel weak and emotional, unable to do much to help.

Well, my little man is making noises.  I will post new pics of him on facebook later today... He's now 3 months old!  WOW!  Oh how I love to snuggle him and kiss him and see his darling toothless grin. 

I'll update on my dad as I get new information... He will likely be at Arbor House, for interested parties...

Love, Dece

The baby slept from about 8pm to just after 4am, so that is through the night, right?  ;-) 

I'm just waiting to make sure he's settled back down before I go back to bed.

My dad is still in the hospital.  Last Sunday he had a major setback where he vomited his dinner then aspirated on some of it.  He choked and his heart stopped.  His heart was shocked back from v-tach and so he went back to ICU and was on a ventilator for about 2 days.  However, he was responsive during the vent and not like my mom who went into a coma while ventilated.

He's off the vent now and very, very weak.  It takes everything he has to get up to use the bathroom, and that is WITH assistance from the nurse.  He is in pain from a bedsore, too.  I feel like it's just too familiar in some ways, having gone through some of these issues with my mom.  However, I did call him last night (Dominic was not having Mama leave for anything and so I couldn't go up to the hospital) and he actually talked to me.  When I go up to the hospital he usually does not say a whole lot.

Today there is going to be a "meeting" about what is next for my dad.  The word hospice has been used and so I'm going to do my darndest to get to this meeting and see what is going to happen.  I don't know if I trust Emilie to have Dominic by herself.  Hopefully I'll get him to sleep about 8:30am and he'll take a little nap while I'm gone.  I can't take him with me, so if he doesnt' cooperate, I'll have to hear from Lennie what happened during the meeting.  I am so thankful for Lennie and his taking care of my dad. 

Anyway, it's still quiet here on the Gherardini homefront, so I'm going to go back to bed.  If only I could stop sweating.  I'm constantly HOT. 

Love, Dece

It is one year today that my mother passed away.  A lot has changed and yet many things in life are the same. 
I have my darling baby boy - who slept through the night last night for the first time - in my life and he brings me and our family such joy and delight!  I did not think it possible to love a little guy so much.  He has given me the push to keep going, while I was pregnant and then now as I feel down from time to time. I am so grateful for him and for our little five-person family.  I have my sweetheart Tony, my smart and talented and beautiful girls Emilie and Hannah, and now we have our Dominic.  <3

Health is such a fickle thing, isn't it?  My dad is back in the hospital due to CHF and they're taking more extreme measures to reduce the fluid in his body which makes his heart have trouble, as well as his lungs and legs.  A year ago  my dad was doing okay - though of course we were worried and sad about my mom - but he was working and getting around... The docs used aquapherisis to filter out the extra fluid and salts from his blood, which has made a difference in swelling, but he's exhausted.  I am thankful that there is something to be done to help him, but I am afraid he will not be with us much longer.  He's so thin, so weak... He looks as though he's aged 15-20 years in a year.  As a daughter it's hard to not be able to do anything to help him.  So, I focus on my own little family and spend my energy there.

I had an odd but good dream yesterday morning.  In my dream I was doing my usual household activities, but the phone rang and it was my mom.  Oh how wonderful it was to hear her voice!!  I cannot explain how much I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her, or to drive over to her house and just lay on her bed and talk to her.  If I was tired when I'd come over, she would tell me to just take a nap.  I rarely did, because I had too many other things to do, but still... I woke up from my dream so happy to hear my mom's voice. 

The kids are out of school for the summer and I've already had 2 days with migraine pain, so not much has been done in the way of chores.  I'm determined to get Emilie to learn how to make meals and she did help me with some of dinner last night.  I don't remember my mom forcing me to learn how to cook... Perhaps I learned out of necessity when my mom went back to work?  I don't know.  I do remember having a Mickey Mouse cookbook given to me when I was about Hannah's age and I would make things from it when I was her age.  Yes, my mom let me make a mess and do things at my own pace.  But for some odd reason, my daughters do not like to read and follow a recipe EXACTLY.  They will start off pretty well, but about half way through they've lost focus and forget a key ingredient or do not pay attention to the measurements or timing.  I want both of the girls to be more self-reliant in the kitchen.  But I've discovered I'm a control freak about it and end up taking over.  Who would have thought that about me?!?  I need to be more like my patient mother and allow them to make mistakes.

Well, I'm caught up on the most recent season of "Big Love" and have to admit that I was a bit put-off by the second to last episode.  I could not believe that they actually acted out parts of the temple ceremony.  It made me feel all... weird inside.  I knew about the episode months ago, as far as people being upset about the epi and what they portrayed.  I try to see a positive from it, that what happens in the temple is not a strange secret cultish experience and those who have not been in the temple will see that... But it is a sacred and special place and to see it acted out that way -- the character faking a temple recommend and attending -- was disturbing.  I can't explain it, exactly.  I don't have anything to compare it to that people would understand why it just feels wrong.  It's like burning a flag or throwing the flag on the ground and walking on it.  It just feels wrong.  Overall, the season was good from the story-telling perspective.  I just wish people who watched the show, who are not LDS, knew that so much of what is shown is exaggerated and to make a compelling story, that it is not factual.  It's like historical fiction, embellished to make it more exciting.  Or, I could be wrong and that's how Utah Mormons really are.  LOL!!    (just a tease to my Utah Mormon friends)

Well, I am going to find some breakfast and a shower before my arms are full of baby boy...  Have a great day!

Dece

It's my birthday, too.  Well, it will be tomorrow.  I'm just posting a quick note to let y'all know i'm still alive and while I'm not sleeping as much or as deeply as I'd like, I'm here.  Well, more at Facebook than myspace, but I'm alive.

I've been experimenting with digital scrapbooking and I've taken to it.  So many free kits and templates and such out there that I feel like I get to go shopping every day for scrappy supplies and do it guiltlessly.

Dominic is now 2 months old and I'm more in love with him every day.  He is easy-going and has now begun to shower us with smiles.  He has definitely become more social with us.  He also is putting on the baby fat which is wonderful!  :)  I look forward to him having more than an hour or two without a "snack" as I guess I went into deep sleep between 4 and 6 am when Dominic woke up and I didn't hear him.  Tony did and went to comfort him, but I didn't hear Tony get up or Dominic crying.  This is a first in the last 2 months.  I know the sleepless and disjointed sleep nights will pass.  Till then, do not expect much from me in the way of coherent thought.

I have been battling extreme emotions and find myself crying a lot.  I miss my mom terribly though I feel her near, it is hard.  I will be spending the day with my kids and husband on this coming Sunday - Mother's Day - as I do not want to be crying in front of everyone at church.  I avoided this last Sunday for a similar reason - fast & testimony meeting is also baby blessings and I don't want to cry in front of people. 

My dad is home once again from the hospital and he celebrated his 70th birthday last week.  I made a little digital scrapbook (printed it at Costco) for his birthday present and I was startled by how thin and how much older my dad looks in just a year.  Well, I guess in the last year and a half.  He's lost so much weight --- I think I took it all for him!  :(  I just cannot manage to be on a lower carb diet right now.  I'm eating my way through sadness and tiredness.  Not a good plan, but I'm coping.

Overall I'm in love with Dominic and so is Tony.  I'm so grateful for this little man in my life to shower with love and attention.  His needs are simple and he is a little cuddly guy, both of which make him easy to love...

I really better go to bed.  I just had to wait after getting Dominic to bed to make sure he didn't wake up in 10 minutes... you know, just long enough for me to fall asleep and be woken up in the middle of a dream. 

So, I'll be 35 tomorrow.  I don't think I'll even get my traditional Mexican dinner because we've got a band concert to go to.  I'm trying not to be disappointed, but I have the feeling I will be fighting that feeling all day tomrrow...

Time for me to go to bed and sleep while I can...

Love, Dece

I don't know where the last weeks have gone.  Wait, yes I do.  I had my baby and now I have no concept of time or space... I'm practically an episode of "Lost" these days!  On Monday I shuttled myself and my 3 kids to the OBGYN's office, thinking I had an appointment.  ONLY to find that the doc was out of the office on vacation and that my appoinment is for TOMORROW!  I was a week early!  LOL  Yes, this is the state of my brain these days...
My baby boy is a beautiful little guy with dark hair and inquisitive blue eyes.  After 9+ days of stressing over his bilirubin levels - the cause of jaundice - we're getting into a more normal state of living here.  We had to take him to the lab 7 times in 8 days, 4 doctor visits in those days, too, as well as a visit from home health-care to deliver a "bili-blanket", we had sleepless nights and tears... I thought we weren't supposed to take him out into public for a good 4 weeks!  So much for that!    But now he's doing much better... He's looking less like a pumpkin and more like a svelte little man.  LOL  And he's a tiny little guy.  He was 6lbs 12 oz at birth, was down to 6lbs 1oz when he went home from the hospital, and last Monday at the doc's office, he was back up to 6lbs 12oz.  YAY!  Maybe he's up to 7lbs now?  He has to wear "newborn" size diapers and onesies, as he is swimming in size 0-3 months.  I keep telling myself that he'll pack on the baby fat soon enough and be cursing me about the "baby fat" later on. 
I'm not particularly thrilled with the way my c-section is healing.  It's as though the incision is puckered on my left side and it is still hurting, while my center/right side doesn't hurt.  Good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, right?
I wish I had the mental faculties to write out all of Dominic's birth story and post a million pics, but I'm not able to do much more than skim through emails these days.  I hate what a space cadet I am, but I can't help it.  Tony has been so good about trying to get me to sleep.  He helps me so much when he's home!  I am so thankful for all of his work around the house as well as taking care of me and baby Dominic and our girlies...
 

 

 

The first pic is from the recovery room... The second was when Dominic was 2 weeks old, the third is Emilie, Hannah, and Jeneva (Em's friend who stayed with us a couple of days during Spring Break).
I'm going to scrounge up some lunch and take the curlers out of my hair... I hope to have my brain back at some point in the coming weeks and be able to post a coherent thought (let alone HAVE a coherent thought!)...
Love, Dece

The past few days I've been feeling freaked out.  The baby's room is all put together including the crib and bedding (super cute!) and yet I keep the door closed so I don't have to look in there.  It is 14 days until I will be in the hospital, having my abdomen cut open and my baby boy taken out.  I'm sure that I felt this apprehension when I was pregnant with Hannah, but I feel terrified of how will I get through this?
It's not the day to day caring for a baby, as I've done that before.  It the very looming idea of healing from a c-section, of further decreased mobility, of having a little helpless baby depending on ME for food and care, even in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted, in pain, and so dependent upon others to take care of ME. 
Why is that so hard?  Why is staying home to "rest" so emotionally exhausting?  I know I can depend on Tony and my family... I know that in my brain, but it leaves me feeling so out of control, so helpless.  Placing my trust in others is so hard.  I would rather do things myself and have them done when I want, the way I want, but that's not the way it is supposed to be right now.  I can't be lying in bed AND making dinner or getting the things I want from the grocery store or folding laundry the way I like it.  And when I push myself, like I did yesterday, I was so achy from just washing dishes.  I have a new understanding of my mom.  She pushed and pushed herself, in spite of pain and exhaustion, and it took everything she had to go to the grocery store or do laundry.  It's aggravating to wait for others to come to your aid and very hard to ask for help.
Maybe I feel so emotional right now because of hormones.  Maybe it's these thoughts of guilt and pain  that I did not do enough for my mom.  I should have been more patient and kind, I should have run to her aid just as she would do for me.  But then I pray and ask for help, I ask for peace to fill my heart and to take away this fear.  I have received so much help getting ready for the baby and I am so thankful for it.  I am so grateful to have my sweet husband who wants to take care of me, to take care of our girls and our new little boy.  I am ashamed of how frustrated I get by my limitations.  I know this time will pass and it will seem but just a small moment.  But right now, in this moment, I'm freaking out.
The phone's ringing... I have to go.  Tomorrow will be better.
Love, Dece