My wife and I had a great talk yesterday. And we are going to "TRY" to fix things. I show the word try that way because that is all anyone can do. Or give up. I think what we have is too special to let flounder away. It is true we have both done things, said things, worked on things in the past and that is why we are in this event now. But I truly love her so much and I know she loves me too.

It is tough because I know a dear friend of hers is taking all that has been told to her as the 100% truth not accepting there is another side to this thing. And life is so much more complicated. No one has right in my mind to say do this or do that. If you love your friend you say I think this, but I hear what you are saying and I support you. I say this because I believe my wife has said that she loves me and wants to work this out. And I think the feedback is get out! And that hurts and scares me.

So I am overwhelmed with love, pain, hope, and fear to name a few emotions. And it is just pounding on me. Can't think, can't eat, can't breathe, it just hard getting the intensity. But that tells me how important this is. It is worth the effort.

Friday was very weird. I had been given a decent supply of Xanax by my doctor on Thursday. I was very good using them correctly Thursday.

Friday I asked my "wife?" what do you call your wife, legal and all, but you know its over?. Well HER. Do you want to go to a hotel, get away, be some place neutral, watch tv, be on a gigantic big bed, and have some sex. Which I guess is a weird thing to ask a wife that shortly enough wont be, but she was like sure, sounds nice. So off we go.

The sex was nice. I mean it was sex. Good sex. We kissed and held each other. There was love making involved. But I (who am so average its boring) felt too big to enter her. It literally hurt me to try. So I gave up on that we went on to oral orgasm no. 4. I love pleasing and oral so not a problem. But it isn't sex that is going to burn at me and make me miss it. Sad to say. Actually I am glad I this is true.

I mananged to take way too many xanax at that point and got very upset and acted an ass. I fell asleep. Life went on. We left on time, etc. But she can and already has slammed me around to her friends. That of course is natural. Each person is going to abuse the other person to their friends. I haven't said much but I said a little to a couple of friends, one gave me a free game account so I could focus on something more worthwhile. LOL>

There are a lot of things that suck. But no one else seems to have this awareness. And I am not a fool nor am I someone who will be the only monk of the circus god. So if all that sucks doesn't matter, and 10 years are down the drain, and nowadays that is normal so be it. I can flush that drain right quick like and move on too.
Tags: confused, divorce, holy shit

I do NOT find any one purely at fault. It takes too. I earned and caused of problems. But remained loving in my dysfunctional way. But I a survivor and I believe in love. So somehow its going to go there it needs and I find someone(s) to be friends with, close with. I hope intimate with. Happy to share photos I have more as they come. I am not looking to go anywhere or do anything that pushes or causes pain or forces someone to feel involved when it isn't right. That is the pure oppossite of what I want.

So now things are progressing in weird ways. My emotions are just rocking from one feeling to another. I feel relief, loss, pride, self disgust, love, anger, and peace. But what is ripping on me right now is the moments the loss feeling comes up. It is overwhelming. I burst in to tears this morning while she was getting ready for work. I mean the only thing I can try to compare this to was marriage destruction number 1. I had a lot of waves of emotion then. But I guess I was more immature, or perhaps cocky or something odd that let me not burn so deeply. Well that whole thing was an unintentional conquest for me. To leave for someone else. My pain was more for the ways I was wronging Lynda than for just a sense of loss. The loss was there. And I did have one night where I got hit with bad. I mean it remember it like it was yesterday though it is more than 10 years now. I got smacked with guilt and loss and pain. I went outside, it was a few days before Christmas. In Illinois. Tons of snow. I sat in my car. And bawled. And I was so drained I actually slept out there for a few hours.

This is just a sense of loss. As sense of being wronged. As sense of doing wrong. I have been overwhelmed by karmic lessons throughout this relationship. Feeling I wrong my first wife. Feeling fake to my current wife. Feeling unable to connect. Feeling punished. I feel my pancreatitis was a result of being such an emo freak. And having such guilt and karma hit me that I made myself terribly sick. I have had escapism as a major issue for these 10 years. Like, oh man, I am guilty, I am wrong, I am convincing myself that I have done the right thing and not believing it. It ached at me. I drank pretty hard when we first got together. Ceased shortly. Started back up. Ceased. Then the disease hit and the pain was so great. The opiate pain medicines were like the doctors saying its ok fella take your escape pill. And that spiraled me down into a darkness which is where I have been since.

But the loss. That hit today bad. But I guess its needed to feel. It is amazing how much physical pain I can tolerate and how this hurts far worse than being hacked into two. Worse than massive attacks of pancreatitis. I guess I put the loss off until it ate at me.

Yeah so right now I dealing with my portion of causing this to fail. My part of making wrong choices out of a sense of conquest. Lying to myself. Karma.

My marriage is ending. I think we are going to manage to hold things together to do things fairly. I think we will come out friends. When you love someone, you love them forever. I still love my first wife Lynda so much. But I choose to end that to strive for the wish of a spiritual based relationship. And though we had some awesome moments I had major trust issues that I could never digest. And it caused me to back out of friendships and avoid meeting people and going to events and so on because I feared the public being there to take her away. Warped I know. But we stuck together for 10 years.

I will write more I am sure. Tons. I am just feeling relief right now. I am mean  loss sucks, but when the relief happens you know it is for a reason.

So hey I need to get new pics up! LOL. I am a fun guy! Smart, talented. A musician. I will get some pics going. I am looking for friends and good happy times. I think I deserve that.

Well its been quite apparent to scientists for a significant amount of time that we are really facing major Global warming as a result of how we use fuels, and generate toxins that are causing a build up gases that are holding in heat. We are really hosing up our planet in a big way. Its not bogus.

Here is an excellent article about the state of affairs with our global warming problem and I really do recommend you read it. If you need to vent or discuss feel free to make comments here. Or if you want to chat me on it I use .. deadevilfrog, Yahoo: deadevilfrog, and MSN: Bert.Bolin@gmail.com, and ICQ: 269491306 so feel free to chat me.

The article: Science Panel Says Global Warming is 'Unequivocal'

Last night my wife and I watched the Anime Movie Cowboy Bepop: The Movie. This movie was made after the entire series was completed. It really unites the various characters in a great way. And the movie was very intense. It was an excellent action film as excellent if not more so than most/many/all (?) the live action films we are so see so much today.

I will say briefly that it had to do with a nano-machine virus that could wipe out the population of Mars which is now more like Earth than Earth is. The evil main character was experimented on against his will as a special ops. military man. Vincent, the evil guy, has the anti-virus in his blood, anti-nano machines. He is the living dead in his heart. Spike sees this in himself but has more life in himself, more concern for the world, although as he says a couple of times, "I'm just a bounty hunter, the saving of life is not really my goal" and yet of course manages a way to do just that.

Kick ass film. The Anime is such a high level that you will see it like Film and forget its a cartoon easily. It is awesome with plenty of fun stuff built in with Ed and Ein and the whole gang.

See it!