I tend to use this blog as a platform to store little pieces of knowledge that I don't see as common but never-the-less hold true.  Well I have a new one.

I have always had an issue with other people's issue with generalizations.  For instance, have you ever made a general statement only to have someone say, "That is a generalization!  You cannot do that!"  This is where I have a problem because by the definition of a generalization, you can say something in a general sense.  For instance, I think it is a safe generalization to say women talk more than men.  It doesn't mean that all women talk more than all men, but on average, women talk more than men.  Studies have shown it.  Of course they list the information in the terms of "Studies have shown that the vocabulary of women is far larger than the vocabulary of men."  This is not what I recently learned though.  I had a new revelation about generalizations.

            I recently had a disagreement with someone.  The disagreement was basically about the fact that I didn't like the way they treated me.  They used generalizations to defend their actions though.  There main one was, "Honestly is the best policy."  It really annoyed me when they did this, but I couldn't figure out why; then it struck me.  Generalizations are for dealing with many instances of something.  When you're dealing with a single instance, you have to do it on a case by case basis.  This person was either lumping me in with a bunch of other people or they didn't care enough to deal with this situation on an individual basis.  I tried to explain to them that using generalizations to justify your actions only works if you are dealing with a group.  That even if they wanted to use the generalization, they should state that this is a generalization that holds true for this instance.  At least then I have something to consider that pertains to this disagreement.  For my efforts I got a funny look.

            Anyway, that is one of my not so common revelations.

Patterns in the Mind

            This short composition is about the subconscious patterns that are created in our minds.  What I mean by this is that the mind tends to follow the same patterns that it has become accustomed to while your personality was being formed.  For some of you this information may seem obvious, but as I grow older I am recognizing the difference between knowing a piece of information and understanding it and I am finding that I am starting to understand this.

The Disruptive Spiral

Recently I was watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel and it hit me that there is a lot of dog psychology that can be applied to humans.  I have been watching that show religiously for the last two months or so.  You see, Ceasar Milan is a dog whisperer.  He says, "I understand dogs.  I train people."  One of the things he says over and over is that a dogs mind follows a pattern.  So if your dog gets aggressive when he is in a situation that makes him uncomfortable, the dog is termed insecure-aggressive.  If your dog gets scared and runs away when he is in a situation that makes him uncomfortable, then he is insecure-submissive.  Insecure-aggressive types get out of control because they usually attack people.  Insecure-submissive types, in extreme cases, make their owners sad because they are always scared.

Well humans have this same type of pattern.  We all know someone who can be perfectly fine but as soon as they feel someone is making fun of them, the go off like a rocket.  In dog terms, that person is insecure-aggressive.  A secure person often would laugh along.  The real problem is that just like with dogs, this pattern is pervasive and will tend to show itself in other aspects of life.  For instance that same person will tend to be the jealous type when it comes to relationships.  They will also tend to be a crooked person because they feel the world is a place where people are forever hurting each other, so he will justify it in his mind that he is just going along with the flow.

Setting up the First Domino

            Also while watching Ceasar Milan I have noticed another pattern of psychology that can be transferred to humans.  This is a little more difficult to explain but it simply is the state your mind tends to come to rest at.  In dogs, when owners come home and get there dogs all excited and talk in a high pitched voice and give them affection and play with them, they are reinforcing an excited state of mind.  The more often they do this, the more likely that the dog will tend to seek that emotional state.  

            This transfers into humans as well.  I can't remember how many times I have heard children now a-days say "I am bored."  That is because as a generation we try to keep our children in an excited state.  If they are not laughing hysterically, then they are not happy.  Why would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane or jump off the top of a building or bridge?  To get the excited state of mind that they were brought up with.  We make fun of country folk, but I feel they tend to be happier because they can appreciate happiness in contentment.  Their minds tend to seek a state of relative calm as opposed to constant excitement.      

The domino reference in this section comes from the fact that in the first section, "The Disruptive Spiral",  I stated that people have mental patterns that they unconsciously follow.  They usually occur when the person is insecure.  So if a person stays relatively secure, then they can avoid those patterns right?  Well, a mind that is constantly seeking the excited state is more often to be in situations that make it insecure.  That is because they are constantly putting themselves in situations that are different and uncertain.  Once they are in the same situation several times, it becomes common place and no longer allows them to reach their excited state of mind.  Subsequently this is the first domino that is set up for the disruptive spiral. 

Stopping the Chain Reaction

            Since I am using Ceasar Milan as my reference so far, I will continue this.  The way Ceasar teaches people to break the chain reaction is to first recognize the behavior that signals the beginning of it and then do something to change the track that the dog's mind is in.  This usually involves touching the dog or jerking the leash slightly to make the dog pay attention to something else.

            In humans I would imagine that we follow the same pattern.  There are two major obstacles with this.  
            1.  We are responsible for our own behavior and we cannot recognize it.
            2.  Humans cannot let things go as easily.

            Hardly anyone ever stops in the middle of a behavior to realize they are doing it.  It is always so much easier to recognize someone else behaving in a pattern.  So, unless you have a significant other that you truly trust to tell you when you're misbehaving, then you will have little hope in catching yourself in the middle of a behavior and stopping it.

            Even if there is someone who can tell you that you're misbehaving, humans bring baggage to every situation.  For instance, an insecure-aggresive man is out on a date with his steady girlfriend at their usual hang out place.  He decides to go play pool for money.  The purpose is obviously to raise his level of mental excitement.  He wins the game but the guys refuse to pay because they say he cheated.  His girlfriend recognizes this behavior and tries to change the mental track of this mind by getting all affectionate with him and telling him to forget about it.  This situation is so typical that it is cliché.  If the people in our story were dogs, this would be the end of the story.  But the man in our story had a similar incident happen to him two weeks ago and he is going to be damned if he is going to let the world walk on him again.  You see the human, unlike a dog is almost always reactionary, tends to bring mental baggage into the situation with them.  

The Real Solution

            So if we are responsible for our own actions and we cannot recognize our own behavior and we tend to not take direction from other people, then how do we stop the chain reaction?  The answer is teaching ourselves to seek a calm mental state. 

            In Ceasar Milan's show, he says he doesn't address his dogs until they calm down.  Then he allows them to do the things they want, whether those are eating, playing, etc.  By doing this, he is teaching his dogs to seek a calm-submissive mental state.  So that they are less likely to get into an insecure state.

            As a human, this is a much easier task to do in order to change our behavior.  Also in the long run, if you can learn to find happiness in the quiet times, you will be happier for longer because throughout your life, you will have more calm, quiet times then loud, excited times.  In our example above, a man who has learned to be happy with a quiet situation would have stayed in the booth with his girlfriend and enjoyed her company.  

Epilogue

            Well I figure this is enough writing to get you thinking on the subject.  I could go on about how to change your behavior by changing what you believe and changing what you believe by learning more; but I will leave these for you to think about. 

            Also, if you get a chance to watch the Dog Whisperer, I would suggest you do.  It amazes me how much of dog psychology can be applied to humans.  

The Morality of Manipulation

            Today I came across a nugget of truth and I am writing it here to help me organize it and to help make it indelible in my memory.

            For the last 19 years or so I have been struggling with an issue. It is whether or not it is moral to manipulate other people.  For some people this may seem like common sense, but for me it hasn't been.  Let me explain why.

My Person Pre-Disposition

            Growing up I only had one parent and she like to control everything.  Even to this day, she likes to do this.  Subsequently I had numerous times in my upbringing where I had to deal with the consequences of a situation of which I had no choice but I should have been given the choice.  So my first reaction to manipulation is that it is WRONG!

            Then between the ages of 17 and 19, my life was total chaos.  Short version is that I found myself in the military trying to figure out who I really was.  I ran across this beautiful young lady and she took notice of me.  I consciously decided to make her fall in love with me so that at least someone would like me.  I did get her to fall in love with me and I remember the day she told me that if I asked her to marry me, that she would.  I also remember the realization of what I had done.  Now I really felt any type of manipulation was WRONG!

Ultimately I confessed to her what I had done and she told me I was full of crap because nobody can do that.  I vowed to never consciously manipulate anyone ever again.

Putting it To Practice

            Essentially this effort of mine has created the core of my personality for the last 19 years or so.  I am a VERY straight forward person.  People either tend to like me or hate me.  Those who deal well with truth appreciate my straightforwardness, but those who are trying to keep illusions tend to hate me.

            At this point in my life I would say that this practice of not manipulating anyone has continuously hurt me.  A real example is that in my last job I was open about the fact that they were not paying me enough money and that I was looking for a job.  My boss ended up taking it personal and told me, "I know we under pay you, but every year when it comes times for raises, you are looking for a job.  So my thoughts are why should I give you the money if you're going to leave?"

The Dilemma

            Over the last 10 years or so, I have had an argument run through my head.  Here is an example of one.

            Self:  In order to get promoted to the position I want, I need to make my boss see me in that position.  So I will wear ties and slacks to work all the time, even though Dockers and Polo shirts are all that is required.

            Conscious:  Isn't that manipulating him?  You don't wear the tie and slacks because you like them better than the Dockers and Polo shirt.  So isn't this only serving your best interest without benefiting your boss any?  Besides, you boss should notice and promote you based on your performance.

            Self:  Yea

            Conscious:  So this is not morally correct, so be true to yourself and wear what makes you most comfortable and still meets the requirements of the job.

            I seem to have this same style mental argument all the time over many little things.  In my experience, this behavior led to me being passed up for promotion while less competent people were put in charge.

            So here I am, constantly being screwed over for doing the right thing.  I am not striving to be a martyr and I don't believe in the Bible, so my idea of doing what is right is defined as treating people the way I would like to be treated.  BUT nobody else seems to be trying to be honest with me or not manipulating me.  So something has to give.  I am not going to continually forsake myself for the benefit of people who won't do the same for me.

Thoughts

            If you know me, you know that I define sin as something that goes against the grain of what is natural.  For instance, killing and death are a part of the way this universe runs, so I don't look at either of them as a sin.  If put me in a position to where I have to kill you, I will and I won't hesitate or regret it.  This is because that is the law of nature, even if it is not the law of man.  

            Well people manipulate each other ALL the time.  This is a natural thing that has happened as a natural part of our evolution.  So the act of manipulating someone cannot in and of itself be morally wrong.

            For the most part people don't want you to be honest with them.  They want you to tell them some lie that fits the truth they have set up for themselves.  

            Also, nobody else seems to be striving to not manipulate me.  So why am I bending over backward to do this?  The real answer is because I am accountable to myself and I don't want to be like everyone else.  But there has to be a compromise that will allow me the self-respect that I require of myself but at the same time doesn't handicap me in the game of life.

The Solution

            Tonight, during a long conversation with my friend Mike, I think I hit upon a solution.  The major revision of my thoughts is that the act of manipulation is not immoral in and of itself rather it is the intention of that manipulation that makes it immoral.  Manipulation is immoral only if is done for one or more of the following reasons:

1.      It is deceitful. 

2.      You are manipulating a situation without the knowledge of the person who will have to deal with the consequences.

3.      To give you an advantage when others do not have the same opportunity to give themselves the same advantage.

4.   You cannot fulfill the expectations set forth by your manipulation.

In the example with my boss, wearing more professional cloths is not deceitful because I do feel that I can do the job I am presenting myself for.  Also any co-worker has the same ability to dress more professionally.

Epilog

Well, there it is.  Now that I look at it, it seems very simplistic and very much a part of common sense.  Reading this makes me feel foolish and feeling as if I have wasted a large part of my life.  I have seriously thought about not posting this, but I really do not want to forget this point of knowledge and people's minds get caught in the ruts of the same thoughts they think over and over.  This is my attempt to try and fill in those ruts with knowledge so I can move my thoughts down a different track that will benefit me.  Another good aspect is that this may help someone else struggling with the same issue.

Love ya,

                Tim

     I recently found out that people actually read my blog although no-one really comments on it.  I have to admit I found that exhilarating.  After acknowledging that emotion, I wondered about its origin.  After a while, I came up with the fact that I have always felt in my life that I was alone.  During my life I have often shared my thoughts to people who told me that I was not like everyone else but in my heart I always felt that if people peeled away the skin of illusion.  The excuses and reasons for their beliefs and were made to think about things, that they would find that they would feel the same as I do; but that was just a feeling that fuels my joy as I hear people actually read my blog.
     The title of this blog is "The Long And Winding Road".  I thought of it because it epitomizes how I have felt about my life during this Christmas Eve.  I know that these thoughts are full of self-pity and because of that, I have tried to cast them out of my mind all day, but they keep coming back.  And the fact that I am having this emotion means I have something to learn from it.  So in that effort, I am going to put my thoughts on this page.
     I started today driving to my grandma's house.  It struck me that I could disappear from this world without having a big impact on anyone.  Fact is that the people who would miss me most would be my work.  I am one of those people who takes real pride in their work and my current company sorely needs it.  Anyway, I have one parent and one grand-parent.  That is how it has been my whole life.  I know I am not my mother's favorite son and I have long since gotten over it and accepted it as a fact, but it is still a fact.  I have had no significant other for 10 years or so.  And contrary to what everyone else may think, I am not gay.  Sometimes wish I were.  But there was always my grandma.  
     I received some very nice gifts from my grandma this Christmas.  I was very touched when I learned that they weren't bought gifts.  They were things she owned, which meant more to me.  Then my grandma decided to throw a fit and sling a bottle of beer around because a 20 year old was drinking in her house, I happen to be there.  She had no more thought for me than she had for the rest of the furnishings in her garage.  This is when I realized the real meaning behind the gifts.  She felt bad because she couldn't give new stuff like everyone else, so she went overboard giving away her own stuff to compensate.  
     So hear I am, alone.  But my mind tells me that is how I started life here on this planet.  This is also how I will leave.  What I have learned about God and why we are here has taught me that we learn about this experience through our OWN understanding.  So you may think that I am sitting here being very melancholy, but I find it all matter-of-fact-ish.  Questions run through my head, "Am I broke?", "Why Am I not depressed like other people in this situation?", "Do I even want to be like everyone else?" I haven't seen anyone else whom I think has it all together, so no I don't want to be like everyone else.
     This reminds me of a group of thoughts I have brought together recently but not really reflected on.  I had an English teacher about a year ago make a statement that "Maybe life isn't all about happiness?"  I also noted 12 years ago while I was in the military how retarded people ALWAYS seemed to be happy.  When I saw that, it put in concrete for me the saying that "Ignorance is bliss."  If you think about it, you truly were happy when you were a child because you didn't care what people thought or how things SHOULD be done, etc.  So, logically speaking,  if we REALLY want true happiness in life then we should be looking to dumb ourselves down.  The less we know the better.
     This idea although logical, flies in the face of what I feel as a spiritual person.  My whole being tells me that God gave me one tool that makes me different than the animals.  If my purpose on this planet was to be mindless, then I could be a mushroom or a bacterium.  I would then be obliviously euphoric.
     No, being mindless cannot be what life is about, therefore the basic assuption that being happy is what life is all about is also false.  So there we are.  A logical deduction that flies in the face of society's common sense.

BEING HAPPY IS NOT WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!!!!

     So then what IS life about?  I don't know yet, but I do know this.  As a single adventurer on this long and winding road, it is my job to find that out.  And I may listen to the logic and ideas of other people,  be they avatars of great people or homeless people on the the street, and through my understanding continue to correct and redefine my thoughts on what life IS about. 

     As far as my personal struggle with my grandma, another saying comes to mind.  "People only give you the respect you demand."  My grandma made a mistake.  People do it all the time.  The point where people recognize the other person is when they appologize.  When she did it, I asked her why and she ignored me.  After the fact, she didn't call me to apologize.  So I will not move forward until she appologizes.  I plan on not detering any future meetings, because that would give her the final chance of a face-to-face opportunity to appologize.  Failure at that point is a failure.  I deserve to be treated better and if I am not, then I will not expose myself to it.

     If my cousin (J.B.) happens to read this.  You received the blunt of the tantrum.  I do not have your phone number to talk to you and I don't want to drag the rest of your family into this, but if you read this blog.  I know that this is the third year for something like this for you.  You deserve to be treated better too.  You are loved.

            This is an idea that I have come up with by reflecting on my life and looking at things I think are wrong with the world.  In short it means that if you succeed at something with little effort, then you wont value it or even remember it.  Only by struggling and overcoming your failure or obsticle will you garner the wisdom to know when you have done well.

            I know that this seems very simple and some people may not agree with it, but lets look at some examples. 

1. Have you noticed a trend in the United States where our children seem to be more and more violent?  They seem to be more and more narcissistic?  Have you also noticed they have less and less hurdles to overcome?  Every generation says I want to make it so that my children does not have to deal with what I did.  If you are not belittled, then how do you understand what it is like to be singled-out or humiliated?  By protecting your child from that horror, you have inadvertently reduced the possibility that they will learn compassion.  You have also taken an opportunity from your child to know that they can overcome that situation.  If you think about it, you can go on with this ad infinitum. 

2. It is a proven fact that when you are experiencing an emotional situation, your brain remembers more.  Emotion causes longer memory and the bigger the emotion, the crisper and longer the memory sticks with us.  Ever been in a car crash?  Bet you can remember most every detail.  So you think that you should be able to tell your child to be more thoughtful, but the fact is that it is more likely if they experience the pain of failure that they will remember it better.  For instance, when my cousin was three years old, you used to think that everyones cup of coke, cook-aid or whatever was his to drink from.  He was often told to not take other peoples drinks.  Then one day he reached up on the desk and took a cup of coffee which he spilled down his front.  He wasn't burned bad at all, but he never again took anyones drinks.

3. Have you noticed that teens and young adults who have been identified as problem children are sent to re-habilitation camps that the camps are both physically and emotionally hard?  These types of camps are also used by our military because they have proven the best way to strip the inadequacies people have learned in their previous life away and give them confidence in themselves.  Having gone through basic training I can tell you that no matter what you do the first few weeks, you will never be right.  You will ALWAYS fail.  As the program progresses, your actions will have more and more to do with if you succeed or not.  You will feel that you have applied yourself and overcome this notoriously harsh situation.  You will know something about your limits and thus a little bit better who you are.  You will have created some self-esteem.

If you stop and think about it, you could probably come up with more reasons or examples of this process working.  

So I ask you, with this knowledge in hand, when you look back at the mistakes you made in your life, are you uncomfortable with the shame or are you comforted by the wisdom you garnered so that you know you will never do it again?  The next time you give someone advice that they don't heed, don't try to force the situation or manipulate them.  Instead understand that they need to fail in order to learn the lesson and then be there to offer to help them up WITHOUT condemnation or an "I TOLD YOU SO!"  By doing that you will show them you love them and accept them for who they are and after all, isn't that what life is really about?

I have made a decision on what I am willing to entertain in the persuit of finding out what reality consists of.  The only thing I take as faith is that I believe there is a God.  Everything else is subject to proof, change, and revision. 

The only thing that separates me from an ape is the added functionality of my brain.  If a religious society is going to tell me that God doesn't want me to use my brain but instead just believe, I say they are the ones going against Gods will. 

What would you think if I bought you a computer and gave it to you, but you couldnt use it EVER!  Then I told you if you ever did use it, I would not just take the computer away.  I would instead torture you forever, because that is how much I love you?

So if you want to talk to me about God or Religion or ANYTHING, you will need to have proof or logic.

I just read a blog entry from some woman that seems to trounce men the instincts that nature gave us.  Here is a link to it. 

E-mail Summary

Basically she references several studies and books written that state that it is the nature of men to sleep with as many women as possible.  This was done by studying goats, cows, etc.

Refuting Point 1

Although I agree that it is a basic instinctual nature for men to try and sleep with as many women as possible, I also feel that human beings are one of the few species that are able to overcome their basic instincts.  So the issue is not that this is the basic nature; the issue is that most men don't try to overcome it.

Refuting Point 2

Why is it that this basic instinct of men is considered bad?  Why isn't the basic instinct of women trying to tie a man down considered bad?  After all, men are not trying to control anyone but themselves.  Women are trying to encarcerate others.  Why don't I see studies done on why women feel the need to control others? 

Reflection

Well, I guess all that doesn't matter because society has decided that it is morally correct to for men and women to be monogamous. 

With all that being said, a curious point occured to me.  If a man and a women are in a monogamous relationship.  Then the man must overcome his basic instincts while a woman just goes along with hers.  In light of this information I ask you, in any monogamous relationship, which spouse is the more virtuous?

On further thought, this situation may contribute to one of the notions that many men complain about.  I have often heard men say that women have no reason.  Well, if you live in a society that agrees with the assumption that monogamy is the right and correct way to be, without any proof, then you may well feel that you have no need for logic. 

Logically speaking, if women required men to support a family, then nature would have caused a permanent joining at conception.  Theologically speaking, if God would have wanted men to stay with a single woman, then she wouldn't have made men with the basic drive to have sex with multiple people.  If you say your God does this as a test, then your God isn't logical and likes to play with your head.  In short, your God is a headcase and nobody can deal with her. 

Conclusion

With all this being said, you may think that I am a hedonist and that I feel it is man's right and role to sleep with as many women as possible.  This is actually not true.  I feel that the ability for humans (not just men) to overcome our basic instincts is the defining trait between us and lower forms of life.  So, I believe in monogamy.  But I understand that it is a choice.  I feel it is wrong to brow-beat males because of what they are.  It is no less wrong than trying to propagate the sterotype of the super-model figure for women.