I’m back from the caverns of the Netflix watch instantly feature of Xbox Live. Here to wax cynical on yet another piece of art that perfectly decent human beings put their blood sweat and tears into. Last time, I reviewed a superhero movie, a genre that’s popular now more than ever. Today, I hit two birds with one stone and cover a monster movie and a remake. This is a movie with arguably the biggest failed marketing campaign ever. Once a Japanese cult classic, the bosses at Sony thought that it was ripe for the plucking in turning it into a huge multi-picture franchise. They thought wrong. Of course I’m talking about Roland Emmerich’s 1998 follow up to INDEPENDENCE DAY (a film that to this day, remains his biggest hit), the 1998 husk of a film, GODZILLA.



I preface the following review with the acknowledgement that this was not a bomb. It in fact, broke even making 130 million dollars domestically, that also being the budget. But if you consider the yearlong marketing push probably cost hundreds of millions of dollars, we can mark it up to the most giant waste of effort known to mankind. Here are a few of the memorable ads that were used to promote the movie.


First, a teaser trailer filmed specifically for the purpose of teasing. None of this footage is in the film.  A teacher takes his students through a museum and talks about how badass dinosaurs were and then Godzilla steps on the museum. I had never seen this until today, although it was recounted to me several times throughout my youth. They said Ben Stein was in it. They lied. This was released 1 year prior to its release.



This next one was meant to air during the dropping of the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It’s pretty good, considering it probably caught people off guard. It’s creepy and exciting, and better than most of the movie.



Here’s the infamous second teaser trailer featuring an old man fishing and catching Godzilla. He really let loose on that dock.



Taco Bell was the official taco vendor of GODZILLA. That little Chihuahua was at the height of his taco pimping popularity. What a zany pairing putting Godzilla and this little dog in commercials. Such a fantastic corporate friendship has never been forged before or since.



Now, let’s talk about the actual movie. Considering all the exciting promotion for the movie it starts off boring with old footage of nuclear tests and iguanas. A Japanese fishing boat is attacked by guess who, and some French scientists investigate. Meanwhile, the US military wants to stick their nose into someone else’s business and hires Matthew Broderick to investigate, a guy that studios the effects of radiation on worms. HIRE THIS MAN FOR SOME REASON! They show him a few huge footprints and a big claw mark and he’s all “And?” They deduce on their own that this gigantic thing is so big because of nuclear testing near iguanas, officially deeming Matthew Broderick irrelevant. They leisurely figure out that the beast is heading to New York and drag their feet until something happens.



BACK IN NEW YORK, some more boring characters are introduced, Matthew Broderick’s old college sweetheart who is the assistant to a news anchor, Harry Shearer (SIMPSONS CAST MEMBER: 1). Her best friend is a female Jersey cliché married to a cameraman played by Hank Azaria (SIMPSONS CAST MEMBER: 2). He is also a Jersey cliché. Considering that this was made by the creators of INDEPENDENCE DAY, which had some fun characters, it’s pretty disappointing that these are the heroes of the movie. Godzilla shows up and tears shit up. No one is killed on screen and when Hank Azaria comes out to film him, he narrowly avoids getting stepped on. If I wanted to see a movie where people lived, I’d go see the Woody Allen movie playing in the next theater. I paid for DEATH, Goddamn it! Nancy Cartwright cameos as a receptionist (SIMPSONS CAST MEMBER: 3).



The military is all “shit, that was our cue” and starts evacuating New York. Kevin Dunn plays a Colonel and he’s always good, so I’ll give him a pass. Godzilla seems to have disappeared despite having an eye as big as this billboard, and they learn that he’s burrowing underneath the city. They decide to lure him out with some fish, and then attack him with helicopters.  They consistently miss, and Godzilla gets the drop on them and kills them all. No remorse or sadness is ever conveyed for the loss of these soldiers, which is weird, considering this is from the creators of INDEPENDENCE DAY. Matthew Broderick finds some of its blood and decides, “I am going to buy pregnancy tests to see if this thing is pregnant” and surprise, it is. At this point he has reunited with his lost love, which takes advantage of him to steal his work to progress her reporting career. Broderick is fired and is immediately confronted by French scientists lead by Jean Reno, who recruits him.

Why are they so obsessed with finding Godzilla? Their nuclear scientists created him and their consciences are REALLY bugging them. So, they set off to find Godzilla’s nest. Hank Azaria and college back stabbing girlfriend come too. They find it and it’s Madison Square Garden, holy crap. The military finds Godzilla and bombs the shit out of him, killing him. But they don’t know about the nest. But Broderick and crew have found it with no plan on how to destroy it. It’s revealed that Godzilla’s hatched babies are actually the raptors from JURASSIC PARK and they tear shit up to. After realizing that they were stupid to do this, they call the military and are all “Uh, bomb this building please” and they do so. But they also forgot they were inside, so now they have to run past all the rip-off babies to get out. They boringly escape, and Madison Square Garden is leveled. BUT GODZILLA IS NOT DEAD! He shows up just in time to see all of his dead children and chases the boring heroes through New York. Now this was kind of a cool sequence, but it should have been in the middle of the movie or something. They lure Godzilla to the Brooklyn Bridge and the military bombs the shit out of him again and he dies a second time. Everybody is happy. Broderick and his asshole ex-girlfriend kiss and make up but THERE WAS ANOTHER EGG and it hatches just before the credits. Hinting at a sequel that will never be. It’s a bit disappointing that we won’t see American versions of Mothra and Rodan, but I have zero interest in anything else that these characters do. So it’s a good thing.



The movie was expected to be a gigantic success. To give you a little perspective, TITANIC had just become the biggest movie of all time and people were predicting that GODZILLA might give it a run for its money. Good God, were they off. People hated it and it drifted out of people’s memories fairly quickly. They had a pretty stellar soundtrack album lined up though featuring covers of Kashmir and Heroes by P Diddy and The Wallflowers, respectively.





I want to compare GODZILLA to two other movies I watched recently. TWISTER and CLOVERFIELD. TWISTER is about two ex-lovers who reunite to chase tornadoes in hopes to use their wacky weather contraption to study them so they can make better tornado warning systems. It has the great scene where Helen Hunt goes nuts about her machine being a piece of shit and Bill Paxton is all “Slow your roll, Helen” and she goes on about how her dad died because they didn’t have enough warning, and he makes a speech about how these storms are unpredictable. But what he REALLY means is how unpredictable fate is. Its stupid blockbuster movie writing at it’s absolute best. Aside from the cool action afforded from watching houses rip apart, TWISTER is absolute dog shit. But it was a big hit despite being completely absurd. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton not only survive being ripped apart several times (once by the biggest possible tornado that can exist), but in a movie where winds can lift a house and throw it into a field, they survive this big bad tornado using Bill Paxton’s belt tied to a garden hose pipe. THIS MOVIE WAS A HIT. GODZILLA was not.

Exhibit B, CLOVERFIELD is about two ex-lovers who reunite to escape New York, which is being terrorized by a giant monster. The difference between these movies and CLOVERFIELD is that I actually cared about the characters in this situation. Even though it’s the exact same plot, the actors and dialogue just worked for me. It’s arguably the most realistic of the three movies, and maybe that gives it the edge. There is no happy ending with CLOVERFIELD, with the main cast all ending up dead, Manhattan being nuked off the face of the Earth and the monster STILL surviving all of this. For it’s budget, CLOVERFIELD was a hit and a sequel is being planned. Maybe I need a little realism in my disaster picture. Maybe I need less Doritos tie-ins (God forbid). The formula obviously still works, I guess a fresh perspective is needed once in awhile.

And that’s all I have to say about GODZILLA. Unlike other bad movies, I can’t find the novelty in it. It’s soulless and has dead eyes. Gigantic dead eyes that are the sizes of billboards.

-    D

Check out CINDERELLA MEN: A RYAN/DERICK PODCAST for more fun and adventures.

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Being unemployed leaves a lot of time for NetFlix. On my ongoing movie watching adventures, the latest trend has been checking out movies that were supposed to be big summer hits, but didn’t quite capture the imaginations of anyone but the board projectionist forced to watch it. Introducing my new blog series, BLOCKBUSTERS THAT WEREN’T.

Today’s film is the 1994 action thriller based on the godfather creation of all pulp radio serials. THE SHADOW.

   

THE SHADOW starred Alec Baldwin as Lamont Cranston, vague millionaire with an even vaguer dark past. Having served valiantly in WWI perhaps, Lamont took refuge in the mysterious orient where he took advantage of the vast opium fields and became an old school gangster/drug pusher. As Ying-Ko, Lamont lived for years off an immoral wealth created by smuggling, war lording and the occasional pimpage. Kidnapped from his mansion/harem as he slept with many beautiful ladies by Tibetan monks, Lamont is forced to turn over a new leaf as he is chosen by them to learn the great powers of monkness and gain the ability to cloud men’s minds. He must use this for good, but Lamont is anything but good at this point and doesn’t see why he should give up being an awesome jerk off. His cooperation isn’t necessary they teach him anyway, because he knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  Where BATMAN BEGINS took half a movie to tell an origin like this, THE SHADOW tells in four minutes.



Years later, after deciding that he now wants to redeem himself by using his new monk powers, Lamont Cranston returns to 1930’s era NYC to punch gangsters in the face as the legendary avenger of I guess good, The Shadow. The Shadow sports twin pistols and is dressed in a dark cloak and hat with a red bandana to conceal his face. The odd thing about this is that while Alec Baldwin looks enough like The Shadow to play him in a movie, the filmmakers decided to put his face in heavy makeup when he was The Shadow onscreen. They thicken his eyebrows, elongate his nose and change the color of his eyes. This is never explained in the movie, nor is it explained on The Shadow’s Wikipedia, nor is it explained anywhere on the internet. It’s an odd sort of overkill that the movie isn’t ashamed off. They show his face transforming several times in the movie. He goes from Alec Baldwin to wax Alec Baldwin. You’d figure that if his face was going to transform, he might want it to transform into something that doesn’t resemble him at all and if he was going to do that, why the red bandana? Who knows? The Shadow knows.



The Shadow puts everyone he saves to work, making them Agents of The Shadow. They are permanently indebted to him it seems. One wonders if he only saves people that have use to him. He has a taxicab driver at his beck and call that drives him everywhere, even when he’s Lamont Cranston (driver played by Peter Boyle). He has people in the police department, the hospital, and a few scientists too, because if The Shadow doesn’t know one thing, it’s forensics. And driving. His uncle is his only friend, who he meets at a nightclub every night for dinner. I guess he uses him as his connection to the police, even though he has agents in the police, for he is the chief. He’s played by Jonathan Winters. One day at the nightclub, he meets a young woman that is immune to his mind clouding but could in fact, read his mind.  Even from great distances. This is Margo Lane portrayed by Penelope Ann Miller. Her father is a scientist who has just gone missing and is smart enough that he can utilize atomic technology. The Shadow investigates.



At this point, the plot kicks in. Shiwan Kahn, the last descendant of Genghis Khan arrives in New York in a box delivered to a museum for some reason and finds Lamont Cranston. He knows his secret, and like him, he has the power to cloud men’s minds, as he was the last to be taught this by the monks before he killed them. In the worst super hero cliché ever, Shiwan Khan asks Lamont to join him in continuing where his ancestor left off, and taking over the world. Because when you’re an evil mastermind hell bent on world domination, your first instinct is to share it. Lamont is tempted but refuses, so Shiwan Kahn sends his new girlfriend to kill him even though SHE’S IMMUNE TO MIND CONTROL. Lamont survives of course and Shiwan lets him know that the he wanted her to kill her, to spark up his bloodlust anew. There are too many scenes of Lamont and Shiwan just talking in a parlor like they are rival Yale alumni. So Shiwan has Margo’s father building him an atomic bomb to hold the city for ransom. I guess he forgot his plan. The Shadow awkwardly fights a lot of Kahn’s henchman and stuff, and some dated special effects are used to have his actual shadow fight dudes.



At one point, The Shadow confronts henchman Tim Curry in a water tank to grill him about things. At this point he’s invisible and The Shadow taunts him because he is unable to be shot in this state. Tim Curry turns on the water, sees his shape in the water and then shoots him fairly easily. As The Shadow bleeds like a bitch, Tim Curry locks him in the tank. HOW WILL THE SHADOW USE HIS CUNNING TO ESCAPE THIS DEATH TRAP. As he wallows around the tank, worn down by very heavy clothing, he manages to use MARGO’S mind reading powers to force her to read his mind from miles away. In a very loose play on real time, she manages to drive to the water tank just as it fills up. She gets there and sees poor Lamont floating there like an idiot. Even at this point, with the situation clearly present to her, he still needs to tell her to open the door. She does and The Shadow is saved. This is the extent of impressive daring do that The Shadow as a person is capable of.

Shiwan Kahn has a secret lab somewhere in New York, but the Shadow can’t find it. Even though he chased him to an empty lot, The Shadow takes a million years to figure out he cloaked a hotel, even though the monks did it with their temple earlier in the movie. For a movie where 3 characters have mind altering powers, there is no end to the surprise these characters have when someone manages to go invisible as they are chased around a corner. It’s quite baffling. So The Shadow enters and beats up dudes and finally gets to showdown with Shiwan Kahn himself, which he could have done at any of the 90 meetings these characters had during the movie. Shiwan Kahn stole a knife that fights on it’s own from the Monk temple and uses it on The Shadow. He’s faced this weapon before, but has never beaten it. He manages to beat it somehow now that the time is right and the final fight happens in the hotel’s hall of mirrors. You know that every hotel has a hall of mirrors, right? Good. Well, Shiwan Kahn can’t hide long enough before The Shadow uses his mind powers to shatter all the glass and drive a shard right into Shiwan’s brain.

What of the bomb, you ask? Well, The Shadow broke Shiwan Kahn’s hold on all his mind slaves and Margo and her dad (A wasted Ian McKellan for god’s sake) disarm the bomb by CHANCE. Shiwan is sent to a mental institution where a lobotomy was performed to save his brain. The part they took out just happened to be the part of the brain that does telepathy and all that shit. So now, Shiwan’s powers are stripped of him by the doctors who happen to be Agents of the Shadow. I guess when The Shadow saves your life, you don’t fear malpractice suits anymore. New York is saved and evil is punished. And an empty movie theater remains indifferent.

..

THE SHADOW was released on the fourth of July weekend in 1994. It opened pretty mediocre and didn’t make much more money after that. A planned franchise that included toys, clothing and sequels was left in the shadows. The big comic book movie that summer would be the surprise smash THE MASK starring young upstart Jim Carrey. There isn’t much to say about THE SHADOW beyond the initial marveling of it’s being so bad at every single turn. Even it’s single based off the movie is awesomely terrible.

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THE SHADOW remains to this day just another sad footnote in the history of comic book films. Another failed attempt at matching the success of BATMAN. I would highly recommend you seek this out if this kind of thing appeals to you. Here’s to you, THE SHADOW. Someone watched you and was moved enough to write all these words about you. I leave you now with a 9 minute promo video about THE SHADOW pinball game. Apparently there is a lot of these videos out there...And now I retreat to youtube.

..

- D

PS: If you liked this. Please listen to the podcast I share with Ryan Kain, CINDERELLA MEN. Available on itunes.

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Can be found here. http://cinderellamenpodcast.blogspot.com/

It's also available on iTunes, so it can live with your other podcasts.

Mulling over doing a SPACE JAME retrospective as well. And I'm not sure if my anti-Facebook blog was posted, but I have way too much time on my hands now. I need something to do. www.facebook.com/dericka

- D

Nonsense is coming!




And it's coming soon!

Store now open!

- D

Now you can read what I think in another place! Also, up to the minute musings and complaints!

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I once stood in line for Avril Lavigne's autograph. And I got a little sad at that notion.

- D

I'm back from a 5 month hiatus in blogging. Not a self imposed thing, but time just kind of got away from me. I didn't retreat to facebook or anything. I don't think I'll ever join facebook. If I wanted to have a denim background for my Traveling Pants theme, I couldn't do that. And I've never been to Europe, so I couldn't put up a thousand pictures of my one of a kind unique experience.

But I do want to blog about Slurpee cups, and you can do that here just fine.

Summer starts with a meh with the indifferently anticipated turned highly controversial release of X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. And 7-11 deemed this cash grab worthy enough for containing frozen treats.




Three in all. Choose between the titular hero, Wolverine. The fan favorite new entry to the series, Gambit. Or growling antagonist, Sabertooth. Now, as you all know, the movie was leaked online about a month ago to dismal reviews from internet geek pirates. So, Fox in their infinite wisdom, assured them it was unfinished and was about 20 minutes shorter than what they planned to release. Turns out it was pretty much the same.

Now, you all know I loved THE DARK KNIGHT. And that movie broke a lot of rules and succeeded anyway. Even in the wake of such an unconventional success, Fox still went into this movie all limp dick like. They didn't even have the balls to just title the movie WOLVERINE, afraid to miss all that potential box office from not having X-MEN in the title. TDK didn't even HAVE the word Batman in their title and look how smart we were! They didn't trust that the character can hold an entire picture by himself, and they shoe horned in as many mutants as they could in minimal roles that just leave you feeling teased. Imagine if the next Batman movie was called BATMAN TALES: THE DARK KNIGHT AGAIN. And Batman fought alongside all three Robins, Huntress, two Batgirls and a newly nuclear powered Alfred and you have a movie that Fox would love to get their hands on. Even if you added never before seen mutants (and some you have seen) into the movie, there's ways to make it work. This movie however, is a Steven Segal/Van Dam movie with super powers and a budget. The origin is nothing special and highly derivative of every "where did our rugged hero come from" story ever told.

But the movie has slurpee cups, so it gets a four out of four star review from this dude.

But yeah, the movie is a waste of potential. I love Wolverine too. Oh, well. There's other movies out there with cup like collectables coming soon this summer.



Starting this Monday, you can get STAR TREK glasses at your local participating Burger King. This is a really big event to recognize because it's rare for fast food joints to actually sell you glassware these days. I think SHREK 3 had glassware at McDonald's, but fuck SHREK 3. This is a big summer action movie. So be sure to visit BK this week. Get those little slider burger things. They're surely forged by the gods of ruining your health and delicious mischief.



Hey, you know who's a big fucking Trekkie nerd? Tony the Tiger. And he has convinced the big wigs at Kellogg's to let him and his sugar pushing buddies to promote the movie with cheap plastic toys in their cereal boxes. In the age of X-Box and sexting and readily available high quality streaming porn, I'd imagine finding a free toy in a cereal box isn't as thrilling as it used to be. But Kellogg's has not adapted with the times, so all we're going to get is cheap plastic crap.

The people at Cheez Itz, however, are a little ahead of the curve. They built an internet thingie where you can put your face on a character from the movie and make it talk via a text to speech program. Look here!


That's all for now. I'll post a bit more frequently, these days. Thanks for reading.

- D

PS Myspace has made it a lot harder to post pictures in the blog. Bleh.

It's that time of year again. It's time to trot out your best lists for the year that was 2008. Let me get one thing straight…it was a fucking stellar year. It was actually difficult to come up with 10 truly awful movies, when this year brought us the triumphant arrival of Iron Man and the devastating return of the Joker. Some many summer movies lived up to their hype, and will end up on the Best List. But today, we've got to get the worst out of the way. The thing about these movies is that some them are down right entertaining in their own little way. So without further ado, let's get this spitfire a burnin',

 

 

10. EAGLE EYE

 

Jerry Shaw: You know you got the wrong guy right?

 

 

Steven Spielberg has had this story in his hat for a while. There's a reason he never made it. It sucked. The story revolves around two people that are activated by this government computer program that runs the nation's defense. The feds are trying to turn it off, so the computer picked these two schmucks to do her bidding. They get chased by the FBI or NSA or some kind of government agency with 3 letters who try to stop them. What ensues is over the top impossible situation after over the top impossible situation that eventually becomes too boring and far fetched to keep your eyelids from delivering you to glorious slumber. It's a shame, the movie has a great cast (Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, William B. Thorton) and a great director, the guy who made last year's enjoyable DISTURBIA (based on the hit Rihanna song that would drop a year later). I guess with all the star power and directing talent you can throw at a bad idea, it's still just a bad idea.

 

 

 

9. WANTED

 

Wesley: [to Sloan] Do you make sweaters, or do you kill people?

 

 

 

 

Here's a cool idea that just came out lame. James McAvoy plays some dude who's father was the greatest assassin in the world. After his father is killed (some great assassin, eh), the league of assassins whom he belonged to contact the son. Because let's face it. Bad ass murdering is in your genes. He is taken under the wing of Angelina Jolie, who slinks and teases the camera for the remainder of the movie. Morgan Freeman is the leader of this league and he gets all the names of people that should be killed from…a magic loom that knits out a code which, when solved, reveals the target. For those who don't live in the 17^th century, a loom is a device that wove fabric in the olden times. It isn't enough for a guy to take a stand and say "this guy should be taken out!", they need a magic loom to tell them what to do. This is one of many stupid ideas that plague this comic adaptation of the book of the same name. In the comic book, instead of assassins, it was super-villains. But I guess that concept IS FAR TOO AWESOME FOR YOUNG MALES TO COMPREHEND. LET'S MAKE IT SLIGHTLY MORE LAME SO PEOPLE AREN'T BLOWING THEIR LOADS IN THE THEATER. I for one, wish more movies made me ejaculate upon viewing. There was plenty of impressive action in WANTED, but ultimately, it summed up to nothing special. A wasted opportunity.

 

 

 

 

8. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

 

Prince Caspian: Two days ago, I didn't believe in the existence of talking animals... of dwarves or... or centaurs. Yet here you are, in strengths and numbers that we Telmarines could never have imagined. Whether this horn

[raises horn for all to see]

Prince Caspian: is magic or not, it brought us together... and together, we have a chance to take back what is ours!

 

 

 

Now, the first trip to Narnia was not something I enjoyed, but who am I to deny a big conglomorate to shove their franchise down my throat? In part 2 of the epic duology (this movie did so poorly, Disney decided not to make the rest of the Narnia books into films) those British moppits are back. It's been a few years since they left Narnia, and boy are they discontent with normal life. I mean, once you've seen talking lions beat up queens and elf people shove spears into innocent gophers, tea and crumpets seem really fucking boring. Well, without warning, they are transported BACK to Narnia via subway tube and boy, are they excited. They're going to see all they're old friends and be happy for the rest of their lives. One problem. It's 2000 years later and everyone they ever loved is fucking DEAD. All their favorite places have become ruin and Narnia is now under the rule of a dickwad king that has killed any magical creature in the land. The last of the talking rodents reveal that they have been called back to re-enstate the TRUE King of Narnia. Prince Caspian. After that, a lot of imagery from LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS is copied and ripped off and you find out what it would have been like to watch that film if it were made by Brett Ratner instead of Peter Jackson. The whole thing feels too familiar. Stuff you've seen before, and done much better in movies that made these fantasy epics from classic novels popular in the first place. I guess it's fitting that the fad officially dies with this movie. THE GOLDEN COMPASS, another movie based off a classic fantasy novel was made last year by New Line Cinema and is primarily responsible for that studio getting shut down. It was a box office dud, and proved that you just can't buy the rights to a book with dragons and wizards, throw hundreds of millions of dollars at it and expect a pop culture phenomenon.

 

 

 

 

7. THE WACKNESS

 

Stephanie: Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don't have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?

 

 

 

It's the summer of 1994, and Josh Peck (one half of the infamous DRAKE AND JOSH duo) goes on a journey of self discovery in the dirty old city of  New York. How do we know it's 1994? Because people are playing the hit music of the era non-stop and people make stupid jokey references like "I hope Kurt Cobain doesn't die! He's rad!" or some such shit. Peck goes to a psychiatrist played by Ben Kingsley and trades weed for sessions. His step daughter is played by the gorgeous Olivia Thirlby and through the trials and tribulations of the writer, Josh Peck eventually fucks her. Along the way Ben Kingsley manages to make out with an Olsen twin. Don't ask me which one. I know this might SEEM like Best Of material, but trust me. Watching stoners wax philosophical and have troubled relationships is not as entertaining as it might seem. Downright boring trite.

 

 

 

 

6. TWILIGHT

 

Edward Cullen: Are you afraid?

Isabella Swan: I'm only afraid of losing you.

 

 

 

I love when a fetish hits the mainstream. This 160 million dollar smash hit from the best selling book series is about a girl played by Kristen Stewart named Bella who moves to a gloomy and rainy Oregon town. It's boring of course and she misses her real home, but as soon as she gets a look at the USDA prime choice hunk beef that goes to school with her, she starts changing her tune. She develops a crush on a boy named Edward that turns out to be a vampire and lives with his vampire family who would be the perfect cast of a 1950's family sitcom. None of them have personalities but they do have the look that youngsters today love. One has short punky hair. One wears a baseball cap sideways…stuff like that. When a clan of vicious vampires comes through town, they see that this vampire family is treating Bella like she's not a delicious feast and they make a play for her. The family decides to throw any and all plans they had out the window strictly to get Bella to safety. A battle between bad vamp and Edwards culminates in the exciting stage of a ballet studio and Edward and Bella's loved is forged for all eternity. The director, Cathrine Hardwicke (THIRTEEN, LORDS OF DOGTOWN) is one of the worst directors we have out there. This movie doesn't hold back from terrible decisions be they casting choices, or character motivations or production design. They engage in the rare art of "white face" by painting Latina Nikki Reed into a white person by whitening her skin and bleaching her hair. She's fairly unrecognizable. And there is this one thing that will live in bad movie infamy that features the vampire family playing baseball in a thunderstorm. I don't know if words do justice in describing how bad it is. But let's just say that it's the worst possible way to film a vampire family playing baseball in a thunderstorm. That is not to say that this movie is not entertaining as hell. It's corny dialogue and weird character intros make it shitty movie gold. It's so bad, it's good. The sequel is already in the works, and is scheduled for this time next year. They fired Hardwicke, which means it won't be able to reach it's full potential for ridiculousness. But the fledgling studio, Summit Entertainment has hired Chris Weitz, director of THE GOLDEN COMPASS to direct the sequel, NEW MOON. Because when you're a small studio that wants to keep your one hit franchise a success, you want to hire the guy that made a flop movie from a hit book and shut down a studio. Good luck, Summit.

 

 

 

 

 

5. THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

 

[stopping a car before throwing the man out]

Rick O'Connell: Whoa whoa whoa. Sorry pal, there's a mummy on the loose.

--------------------

Jonathan Carnahan: I hate mummies. They never play fair.

----------------------

Alex O'Connell: Good going dad. You've raised another mummy.

----------------------

Jonathan Carnahan: [to Rick] You guys are like mummy magnets!

----------------------

Rick O'Connell: I. Really. Hate. Mummies.

----------------------

Jonathan Carnahan: Die you mummy bastards. Die.

----------------------

Rick O'Connell: I've put down more mummies in my time.

Alex O'Connell: [scoffs] *One* mummy.

Rick O'Connell: Same mummy. *Twice*!

 

 

 

Seven years of disinterest between now and the last Mummy film didn't stop Universal Studios from giving us this sequel. The whole affair was started in the way you'd want to continue any saga. They threw lots of money at Brenden Frasier and came up with an idea afterwards. It's been 10 years since the last adventure (and it was a 10 year gap in story from Mummy 1 and Mummy 2, making Frasier's character's age about…70) and Rick O'Connell is once again plagued by mummy mischief. His son, while digging in China, has awakened the mummified remains of this evil emperor (played by Jet Li) and now they have to stop him. It wasn't farfetched enough to have to stop the same 3000 year old mummy on two separate occasions, but now there's a whole new evil mummy? Can't these people stop ANY OTHER supernatural monstrosity? They are clearly out of ideas and out of any sort of enthusiasm for the franchise. The special effects, once groundbreaking are now laughable. Many of them, look like they are unfinished and unrendered. And the real joke is this is the most EXPENSIVE Mummy movie to date. It looks like the cheapest. Like how SUPERMAN IV cut some serious corners when their budget was slashed, and even THAT looked impressive for the time. This movie reeks of indifference. Which is sad, because the first Mummy movie is pretty fucking enjoyable. I couldn't stay awake for a rewatch of THE MUMMY RETURNS and that should have been a good enough clue for me, but no. I had to be lulled to sleep by a third Mummy movie. Mummies.

 

 

 

 

4. 10,000 BC

 

Cave-Dude: Ooga booga! Ooga booga!

 

 

 

We journey now, to a time before computers or art or culture or any interesting concept known to man. A time before fun. This movie follows the exploits of some cave guy who has his cave girlfriend kidnapped by evil doers. He then treks across the dangerous lands filled with wooly mammoths, giant Froot Loop birds and saber tooth tigers that don't do any bad ass killing. For serious, not one mauling. Along the way we learn a little history, like how cavemen rode around in boats and mastadons built the pyramids. Stick to the history books kids. They are far more interesting. I think it's funny that Camilla Belle may have been cast specifically because her eyebrows make her look like a cave person.

 

 

 

 

3. THE HAPPENING

 

Principal: [to concerned teachers] Alright, there appears to be an event

happening.

 

 

M. Night Shymalan gave us one of the worst movies of 2006 with LADY IN THE WATER. This year, he's back to seal the deal on ending a career that started out huge and ended in unmitigated disaster. He has done the impossible and created a movie that was even worse than that. This one follows HIGH SCHOOL PROFESSOR Mark Edward Marcus Whalberg the 5^th as he and his family and friends navigate there way to safety when a seemingly natural occurrence of poison air invades the eastern seaboard's lungs and makes people hilariously suicidal. Where LADY IN THE WATER was outrageous and ridiculous, THE HAPPENING is just boring and stupid. It's hard to believe that movies like UNBREAKABLE and SIGNS came from the same person that wrote this over a 4 hour layover to Boston. After two critical misfires, I'm afraid M. Night is in pretty hot water. The next one better hit, or else he's going to be making some direct to video retailer very happy.

 

 

 

 

2. THE LOVE GURU

 

Guru Pitka: Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle, Tickle!

 

 

 

 

Oh somewhere, out there in the world…there is a huge warehouse. In that warehouse, is the unsold merchandise of potential phenoms WONDER SHOWZEN, NACHO LIBRE, and now it's filled with THE LOVE GURU crap. Oh, how Spencer's Gifts danced with glee when they found out Mike Myers was making another movie they could sell farting keychains for. Alas, the public woke from their drunken stupor of terrible fads and realized that Mike Myers schtick was old and tired. In this one, he plays a Love Guru that is helping a hockey player patch things up with his wife, so he can focus on winning the Stanley Cup. Ben Kingsley plays a blind guru who slaps people around with piss soaked mops. With this and THE WACKNESS, he officially unearns his Oscar. It's the same tired platform for Myers to rip off Peter Sellers but add the edge of shit and piss and farts to it so the youngsters can enjoy it. It's weird how pretentious and arrogant Mike Myers has gotten in interviews in regards to his "craft". He talks about his work like he's Charlie Chaplin or something. It's sad, really. It's another case of "Oh, how the mighty have fallen". Watch him try to make Austin Powers 4. Not so fast, Myers! We've grown immune!

But like last year, you simply can't be just "bad" or "lazy" to earn the top spot. You've gotta fucking reach for the stars and come tumbling down like a sack of shit down a stair case. You have to EARN the top spot. And this year, the honor goes to you…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. FUNNY GAMES

 

Paul: You know, if you'd let Peter help you, it would hurt less. 
Peter: I'm happy to help, really, I just don't want to impose.

 

 

 

This movie is a remake of some foreign bullshit that the SAME guy made, shot for shot. But with American actors. It's about these two pussylooking white kids who politely invade this yuppie family's vacation home and slowly but surely start to torture and hurt them. The worst part about the whole ordeal is, anyone could take these fucking nancies. I kept wanting Tim Roth to jump one of them or punch through someone's head or something but NO. He's even more of a pussy than these dudes look. And they keep making the family make lunch for them and shit and JUST FUCKING SLUG ONE OF THEM! Ugh. As if that wasn't annoying enough, we are subjected to looooooong torturous shots of brutality that sail beyond the point of pointlessness and venture into vanity. I get that the director wants to show the complete and utter jellyfish like backbone of the upperclass, but come on. Michael Pitt (the worst actor on earth) plays the main bad guy, and they managed to clone him and have the clone play his partner. I know that the credits list him as some other person entirely, but trust me. It's a clone of Michael Pitt. So if one Michael Pitt wasn't awful enough, you get two. Just when Naomi Watts actually stands up for herself and shoots the clone Pitt in the stomach with a shot gun, the movie HAS THE NERVE TO REWIND ITSELF SO MICHAEL PITT CAN UNDO THE BAD ASSERY.

*deep breath*

YOU CAN"T FUCKING DO THAT. YOU CAN'T SUBJECT US TO TWO HOURS OF BORDEM, HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING AND GREAT HAPPEN AND THEN JUST UNDO IT. DON'T DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. After sitting through all the awful, the movie actually rights itself when it ventures into interesting territory. Quite remarkable, FUNNY GAMES. Quite remarkable. I mean, the movie managed to be shitty and have me miss it. And then the movie remade itself shot for shot with Americans and got me to watch it. This is bad movie magic too powerful to mess with. A bad movie that gets in your fucking way and is bad on purpose and teases you with good and then takes it away. That's how you earn the top spot, ladies & gentlemen.

Well, that's it for the shit. Next time, we'll go through what the top 10 best movies of the year were. Check in and see if your favorites made the list. And then watch me not care when they don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a good film to watch. RICHIE RICH is on TBS.

 

- D

And by getting married I mean I'm writing a blog about the Guitar Hero megabox meal at KFC!

I haven't written a meaty blog in awhile. So I figure I'll cover a few things that's been keeping my camera phone entertained for the past few months. Seen above is the fully loaded Guitar Hero meal that I got a few weeks ago from KFC. The release of Guitar Hero: World Tour is the reason for this commerative box filled with 8 bucks worth of chicken product. Now, while I'm a casual fan of this game series, I just can't say no to a tie-in fast food experience. What atery clogging treasures does this box conceal from us? I'm glad you asked.

Two pieces of chicken. Two strips of chicken. One crispy snacker, a biscuit and 2 sides of your choice makes up the meal of Rock Gods. This makes like an emergency stash in the event of major drunken/baked munchies. It's not a meal, it's an event. This is too much food for one person. But if you're fat and greasy, and can beat NUMBER OF THE BEAST on expert, this is probably exactly what you were looking for in a boxed food deal. No tie-in is complete without a game where you can pull game pieces off of food containers for the chance to win fabulous prizes.

Everyone has had this moment in their lifetimes. That one moment before you see what the game piece has to offer where you truly believe you're going to be the proud owner of some brand new jet-skis or some solid gold rocket boots. But alas, you'll probably just win more crappy food.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

My recent birthday prompted yet another trip to Disneyland. Purchased were pumpkin muffins. I thought the top of the muffin with the pumpkin Mickey head was candy. But after much chewing on it and it tasting like plastic, I decided it was indeed not candy.

Seen were many attempts for Disney to crossbreed with hip new things like the Muppets and Star Wars. While this is kind of cool...

This leaves me speechless. I don't really have a comment for it, but stare in awe of it for 20 minutes, like I did. Who would want this?

For those familar to the geography of Disneyland, I always buy a mint julip on my way from Pirates of the Caribbean to the Haunted Mansion. This image sparked a debate of wether or not they put a rubber band in my drink. How a rubber band could get in there, I would rather not ponder. After going back to alert them of my drink's grossness, they revealed it was a plastic thingy that they put in the cherries. Maybe they could make them look less like rubber bands.

I also got a James Bond martini at Arclight. It tasted sophisticated.

And a trip to a toy shoppe at the Grove lead me to take this picture of a child about to shoot jungle animals with a handgun. That's what I always wanted to do at a carnival, but I had enough sense to want to bring a rifle. Check out the 300 dollar price tag. I don't think anyone is paying that much for nostalgia.

And to end things, a bit of the christmas display at the Grove that made me laugh. Who has two thumbs and wants you to have a happy holiday?

THIS GUY!

- D