12. A man must  have enough firearms and ammo to repale a large scale zombie attack at all times! There won't be a memo sent out before the dead rise, and despite my best efforts, the fools in local goverment aren't about to install brain-eater sirens in the streets, so we've got to be prepared in advance! Sure, laugh at me now, but we'll see who's laughing when i'm easily holding off the invasion of the dead at my house, while you're getting eaten alive!


13. Midgets are funny! I'm sorry they just are, and you know it! No matter what they're doing it's halarious. I could just sit and watch a little person work in the post office and laugh for hours! The evening news on its on is depressing as hell, but the evening news hosted by midgets would be a fucking riot! "the silence of the lambs" staring Anthony Hopkins: Chilling, "the silence of the lambs" starring a midget: can't stop giggling. Pauly Shore would still have a career if you had more little people in his movies. A midget could tell me i had cancer and I would think it was cute. As soon as this damn radio show makes me rich, i'm not wasting time with some stupid sports car, I'm getting a house-midget and I'm naming him "bobo the mighty"!



14. Unless doing something extremely manly like: planning a bank heist or deciding where to hide a body, a man cannot speak to another man that he is not related too in a public restroom! I don't care if you find out that there is a bomb about to go off in there (the kind that involves C-4, you sick bastards!) if you run out the bathroom screaming and they don't figure out it's time to go, they desearve to die!

8. A jet engine is the best form of propulsion for any vehicle! Whether it's got wheels, wings, a rudder, mud tracks, or snow skies, If it needs to move, it needs to move faster! A pansy would say that you can't give cars jet engines because they would cause more fatal traffic accidents, but a real man would say that this just means less traffic!

9. The more gadgets you can put in your vehicle, the better! You don't want your truck to just be a truck, you want it to be a direct extension of your home. Therefore you want to pack in as much of the stuff you have at your house as you can, eminities such as a t.v., stereo, refrigerator, hot tub, toaster, fire place, etc....Why does my truck need a tanning bed?...I don't know, it just does!


10. A man can only pocess a tanning bed for the purposes of secretly filming hot girls he knows while their sunbathing naked!
A heterosexual man can't microwave himself in some giant tampon- shaped easy bake oven. Instead he must tan in the manner the good lord intended, washing a camero-like vehicle shirt-less in cut-off shorts and flip-offs!

11. Cut off the legs of a  pair of jeans just above the knees and you have the perfect casual wear for both work and play. Cut off the legs on a pair of jeans so short that they are borderline obscene, and their now the perfect swim trunks!

True Pimphood cannot be purchased! However, there are certain possessions that can increase one's pimpitude. Seeing that not everyone was blessed with my innate pimpasity, I have geniously decided to share my knowledge of these tools of pimpology. With much work, some luck, and my pimply guidance perhaps you too, could join the devious one in the palace atop mount opimplus.

1. An elevator in your house that you don't physically need. Pimpness is all about overkill! No one is gonna be impressed by your elevator if you're in a wheelchair, instead they're gonna be wondering why the hell you bought a two-story house, i mean, your in a wheelchair! There needs to be no obvious reason why you installed an elevator. You want people to be curious enough to ask so you can respond with something like, "Ehh, I'm not into stairs", then flex and walk off without saying anything else! Ultimate pimp points if you install an elevator in a single story house. If you do that, you've got to put 50 buttons in it, just to fuck with people. Then take your guests up and show them your attic. Turn to them and say "Is that some bad-ass insulation or what!", flex, then push the down button.

2. A mini-sub. No matter how out of your league a woman is, if you offer her a ride in your submarine, she'll at least consider it for a minute. Where else is she gonna get a submarine ride? It's an opening line you can keep reusing forever! What better entrance can you make to a date than to "surface" right next to her at one of those seaside tables at a restaurant? Use the robotic arm to hand her some flowers (cause all mini-subs have a robotic arm, just watch any bond movie) and if she was wearing panties, she won't be anymore! This is where I should point out that it is very important not to die directly because your using your pimp item. If you crash your mini-sub and die, not only will your pimp points be nulified, you'll go into the negative. You'll kids will inherit you pimp-debt. They'll have to overcome being known as: " The kid of that dumb-ass that sank his toy submarine!"

3. Ejection seat. Nothing says: "Ready For Action" like a chair that can launch you out of a car! Put an ejection seat in your piece of shit car and you go immediately from "loser" to "undercover"! Put one on the passenger side and you've got quick and easy way to end a bad date! Once again, don't accidently rocket yourself out of the car while traveling through a tunnel, cause yeah, we'll make fun of you on: "The Deviants" which is live on www.deviantradio.com every tuesday night around 9pm :)

4. A 65 inch high-def T.V.!!!!!!!!!! ( Yeah, Yeah, you know I had to say it ;)

To Be Continued.....

4. Penis size and Television size are directly related! By the way ladies, I've got a 65 incher :)

5. Only queers use text smilies like " :) " in myspace blogs ;)

6. There is no such thing as a T.V. that is: "Too big for a room", there is only: "a serious need to remodel!". A real man has his priorities straight. So what if that widescreen would block a doorway, get a mini-fridge for your beer, put it beside the lazy boy, and you don't need to get to your kitchen anyway! Need to knock down some bathroom walls and incorperate it into the theater room to get the full effect of the surround sound, then sacrifices must be made! If god had meant for you to piss inside, he wouldn't have put all those bushes and trees outside!

7. A little dog is a dog that is only 50lbs., anything smaller is not actually a dog! A chihuahua is not a member of the canine family, it's an abomination agaisnt nature! Any animal that is in serious physical danger from an angry hamster is not a dog! "Man's best friend" is not only supposed to be a companion, but a capable weapon of war. Ever hear about a deadly "Pug" attack?, how bout an underground pomeranian fighting league? No? That's because their not real dogs! Their chew toys for real dogs! I mean, how long would it take a "jack russel terrier" to eat a body you need to get rid of?

Okay when they give you the "warnings" at the end of prescription drug commercials, what exactly do they mean by "certain sexual side-effects"? I mean, they don't say "certain nasal side-effects", the say runny nose! You know whatever "side-effect" it is, it isn't a good one. If the drug made your dick grow 3 inches, they'd tell you that! Hell, there would never be a colesterol medication that had a side-effect of penis enlargement, there'd be a penis enlargement drug that happened to lower your colesterol too! It wouldn't matter if you had a pill that cured cancer and H.I.V., if it made dicks bigger, then that is what it would be sold as! Why you ask, cause they could charge more money for it! I know men who would consider radiation is it was cheaper, but those assholes would sell both kidneys for a bigger dong!
we all know that those prescription drug commercials are out of hand. Either they don't tell you what the medication is supposed to cure, or they make it sound like a cure-all, untill the very end where they have a world-class speed-talker mumble more deadly side-effects than crack! And if this shit is so wonderful, why do I have to tell the DOCTOR about it

 have come to the conclusion that when I say: "hold the onions and tomatoes" to a fast-food restaurant employee, that my statement is interpreteted to be more of a suggestion than it is a demand. Therefore, they have the right to disagree and decide that, I do not want my hamburger to lack onions and tomatoes, rather I would be happier if my hamburger included twice the usual portions of both onions and tomatoes, but no pickles, because they are the real culprit.
Purchasing food at a quick-serve eating establishment is like food blackjack; "daddy needs a double-cheese!, c'mon double cheese....fish fillet, fuck!". Face it, If you're very particular about your food order, then you don't need to be eating at a fast-food restaurant. If you divide the manager's salary by how many hours they work, you've got a buisness operating with no employee making more than two dollars an hour over minium wage. I expect my drive-thru to be incorrect, that way when it's right, it's a pleasent little surprise. I was excited about mickey D's: "Double Checked for Accuracy" campaign, but hell, half the time the forgot to put the sticker on my order.

If you order at the "walk-up" window at "checkers", you can see right into the "kitchen" area. After expericing this, I've decided that it's best to always use the drive-thru, that way you can meet you food for the first time when you unwrap it. Then you can just delude yourself into believeing that your burger was somehow grown in that wrapper. Not that I'm accusing this establishment of being unsanitary, but the people I saw preparing the food, just didn't scream "Personal Hygiene"! It's like your girlfriend, you know the truth, but it's just best to not think about who's appendages have already been where your mouth is about to go. Ignorance is Bliss! Let's just pass a law where you are only allowed to see the person who takes your order and gives you change, the food should just appear out of a slot off to that person's side

My resolution is to institute my evil scheme to take over the world! (ominous laughter). But there's no reason to be concerned, I practice catch and release, I'm all about the sport of planet conquering ;) Anyway, so what is ya'lls resolutions?

It's getting more and more difficult to sheild your child from all of the things you don't want them to see. All the cartoons are violent, videogames are full of gore, hell you can't even watch a "family-friendly" sporting event without getting a bloody commercial for the latest horror flick. Even if you manage to keep you kid away from all the stabbing and shooting, their gonna get it from their friends at school, cause their parents don't care what their kids are doing as long as they leave them alone. So I've a plan, I'm gonna prepare my kid for the world by flooding his little brain with nothing but death, death, and slow torture filled death! I say why fight it? it's hopeless, might as well go with it. Not only is there a steady stream of horror movies and graphic T.V., we throw him a "Grand Theft Auto" themed birthday party (complete with hookers and police cut-outs for the firing range), he was Tony Montana for halloween, and for his first pre-school show-and-tell, we built a scale replicle of one the "SAW" movie's traps! The eight hours a day he plans "Halo" online wasn't good enough, I built a back-pack harness for him, so he can watch my blind side when I'm playing paintball. The kid can't count to ten yet, but fluent in all special forces hand signals! This way when one of your mind-warped kids brings an assault rifle to school to try to beat the body count from columbine, my son will be able to take care of buisness! If you wanna see your kids again, their heads willl be mounted my kid's bedroom wall! I almost feel sorry for the priest or gym teacher who trys to "touch" my kid. They're gonna get fucked up in ways that would turn charles manson's stomach! Another added benefit is if we are ever invaded by Nazi's or Aliens, their progress will be stopped soundly at my backyard! My little blood-thirsty bastard is good for at least 3 or 4 platoons!

Okay, so when I heard that they were was making "Rocky 6", I figured that stallone would be in the ring actually beating a dead horse. Is this really a story that's too big for only "5" movies! We're not talking about "the godfather" or "Lord of the rings" series, we're there are epic storylines where a rapid fanbase hungers to know what happens next.Hell, the guys from the police academy movies think Rocky 6 is going to far! I mean, the only thing that changes in each movie is the color of the guy he's fighting, who the guy punched to make rocky mad, and the song playing over the "80's" work-out montage. I laughed out loud when I heard all the jokes: "Another Rocky, what's he fighting this time? Prostate Cancer!" Then I heard the bell ring and that fucking theme song on the first preview. Next thing I know I've downloaded and cranked up "eye of the tiger" on my pc, I'm drinking raw eggs, I couldn't find a side of beef to punch, but I did fuck up some pork-chops I had in the fridge! I can't explain it, but something is engrained in my dna where I must watch and enjoy all rocky movies, even Rocky 5! You know Rocky 5, where Sly "shook" things up by making the final fight take place on the street. Everytime I happen upon the "Rocky Marathon" on TBS I stuck on the couch all day. Stallone must have hired some ex-CIA guys to hide some subliminal mind-control images in the damn movies!
I do have to give Sly some credit for not getting any crazier with the plot than he did with Rocky 6. I expected Balboa to somehow end up boxing  bin laden to save an airliner full of orphans. "Yo, Osama! I coming for you!" Oh wait, thats right, that'll be Rambo 4