I didn't know what to think.

            Am I breathing? I threw my hand up to feel the shaky but warm air escaping from my lips. Oh, good. At least here I found relief even in the slightest bit--and then I just had to brush the tips of my fingers across my lip. Perfect—cursing myself—my lips are trembling.

            How hard could this be? It can't be this awful. It's only—the most climactic moment that could possibly ever occur in my life. Almost every day (before this one) has been filled with hope this would happen. But... now it's here.

            Oh, God, what was I thinking?

            Okay, I have no clue how I ended up standing in the aisle, my carry-on in tow. Everyone was speaking. Ugh, it sounded like buzzing to me. Some had awfully annoying voices, almost like a constant drone. It took almost everything else I had to clamp twelve different mouths shut. Oh, but there was solace in some of the lilting, bouncy voices; they were like music to my ears.

            They reminded me of the angelic voice I was about to hear.

            Ah! I raised my hand to my clammy forehead attempting to rub away some of the apprehension, but it did nothing for the overrated and not-so-helpful bubbles boiling away in my stomach. Was it possible for someone to die of anticipation? Or what this fear?

            The mess of people in front of me began to move. It's funny how I ended up in the very back—as the last passenger in the last seat--left here to wallow in my insanity. At least I had the butterflies as company. Right? Oh, and the blitzkrieg of words dancing all around me. It was as if my body (or was it my legs?) was set on autopilot. How in the world was I able to walk while my head was drowning? My steps felt nonexistent, but I knew I was moving. I was tempted to collapse right there in the aisle; my carry-on bag felt massively heavy although its only contents were limited in abundance. Maybe the bag was just a ton by itself. Maybe I grabbed someone else's. Since that was the most logical possibility, I gave a quick glance.

            Nope, that's not it. You're simply dissolving into a basket case.

            I was exasperated. I was going to lose my mind. The people in front of me were disappearing before my very eyes; they were lucky enough to get outside first. But wait—outside for me meant going inside where he was supposed to be waiting for me. Oh. Crap. Oh, crap, oh crap, oh crap. Suddenly it was my turn to step out of the plane. I can't do this. There's absolutely no way.

            I turned to the stewardess for help—my face probably conveyed every form of desperation possible. All I got was that Barbie doll smile and a light tap that, because of the lack of control I had over my body, sent me barreling out onto the terminal of oh-my-gosh-what-am-I-doing. I regained my equilibrium, and then I slung my head back to snarl at her. She still had that creepy Barbie doll mask on, but this time I was too far away to touch. Ha!

            By this time, there was no one in the terminal; I was alone. I grimaced and evoked a pathetic whimper. Any regular female would have thought to freshen up before plundering out to meet fate! I knew I had to look drained no matter what, but it didn't stop me from slapping at the material of my dress or shaking my head to dishevel the ashy mop from which it grew. My fingers threaded through my bangs in order to smooth them over the damp skin of my face. I wanted to look at little normal. My cheeks felt steamy despite the chill of my forehead, so I assumed there had to be a little color. That was good enough for me, and it was all I could do.

Lend me some feeback, and let me know if I should go on. Thanks. =].

          I stopped my fidgeting and made one final glance back at the plane's entrance. If the scary flight attendant had still been standing there, I probably would have run away. Thankfully no one was there, and again I was swept with relief. I didn't need bystanders to witness the most terrifying stroll of my life. However, if I decided to change my mind (which sounded so tempting), there was no one for me to run to. The only way for me to go was forward.

            The terminal's length seemed to go on for eternity. How long will I have to walk? It had to have been less than a minute already, but my heart was beating so many times, and seconds were not my first priority. I could have pulled a peek at my mobile phone, but I was already a victim of a miracle by walking. I doubt I could have done much else.

            I could hear the murmurs of the mesh of people in which I was about to blend. I had been in an airport before when I was much younger, but this time I felt even smaller than before and extremely lost. I did not need to succumb to claustrophobia at that moment. I couldn't think about all the people, the flat fragrance of coffee, and the blur of dust and charcoal fabric whizzing around in every direction available.

            I couldn't really think of anything except him.

            I could think of the storm swelling in the glossy blue of his eyes. The draft in the terminal was reminiscent of the caressing wind before a thunderstorm, and I could see him come alive with the roar of approaching thunder. I could imagine the lull of his melodic voice soothing away the tension as I heard the dull hum of distant voices. And, as I grasped at my throat before meeting the end of the terminal, I could imagine his beautiful hands pacifying my uneasiness—his fingers dancing over the curve of my jaw, and looking up to meet the blue-winter storm adorning his soul.

            I opened my eyes, and everything awful had vanished.

I was standing there at the edge of the terminal, centimeters away from the bland décor of the airport and the stale aroma of decaf. I was met with the roar of happy reunions, the giving of directions, the confusion of inexperienced tourists, and the rumble of heavy luggage. The swish of dry-cleaned suits became potent to my sensitive ears, and the laughter of children sounded everywhere around me along with the chatter of mobile devices as various passersby operated them mechanically.

And then… I saw him.

All went silent. Everything melted far, far away. The world became a still valley in the midst of chaos. The only noise I heard was the hammering thud of my erratic heart, but even that was in dreadfully slow motion. I couldn't tell if I was breathing or slowing dying, each moment lingering, hesitating— suffocating.

I could not move. I was frozen in the lazy warp of time, unable to take my eyes away from his. Nothing inside of me existed except the unyielding blunder of my heart. In this moment I had no mind, no awareness of my body. Only the tug in my chest gave any sort of sign that I was still alive. However, I was still standing there holding onto my possessions with little knowledge of how. I can't make this stop. Where are my feet?

I must have looked like a zombie, or a poor medical patient drugged with the fattest lump of morphine on the planet. But, there he was—smiling anyway. Is he walking toward me? Why is he getting bigger? My heart was racing now. I could suddenly feel my face searing with heat, my shoulders began aching from the weight of my temporary luggage, and my hands were cramping. My mouth was as dry as my eyeballs, and I immediately began to blink and saturate my gums.

Before I could compose myself completely, he was there. My eyes had to adjust to his sudden nearness, and my nose burned from his fresh, masculine, perfect scent. I vaguely remember him reaching down to help me release my bag, but with fierce distinction I remember his hand wrapping around my fingers and his other hand gliding upwards to cradle my face in his flawless palm. I remember hot wetness slipping over my eyelashes and plopping sweetly onto my face.

His long fingers weaved through my hair. And there was his voice drifting deliciously into my ear, whispering against each strand of my hair, and over my face as his lips brushed the loose tresses over my temple.

"I have waited for you. Here we are, sweetheart."

The breath I was holding rushed out violently from overwhelming relief followed by a grin radiating with triumph and peace. I hadn't touched him yet, and I realized I was dying to prove he wasn't a manifestation. I reached my hand between us, and hesitantly rested it on his chest.  

New tears began to form, and any that fell were swept away by his swift fingers. His eyes burned so perfectly when they met mine, and his dark hair hung irresistibly over his tense forehead. I reached up involuntarily to trace his sharp jaw line. Then his lips curved into a firm smirk, and all that made sense evaporated instantly as he gently found the nape of my neck and eased ever so slowly until I felt his lips brush over mine.

He was right. We were there.

when you witness something that took a certain amount of effort to complete...

don't freaking be a witch or asshole about it.

it's definitely not cool getting moderately rude comments on my youtube videos when i didn't just slop myself up and press record on my camera and sing like a dying cat.

i mean, come on. grow some tactfulness. be constructive about the things you dislike. sometimes it seems like people want nothing more than to be seen as the most mean or superior, so they constantly bash and slash at people.

and that... is lame. so if you do that, let's hear it. and i won't be wasting my time or defeating my desire for general kindness with you.

if we could all have open minds, this world wouldn't be crumbling into the dust we always stir up.

>> end rant.

say it isn't so; it's not my time
he looks so beautiful
with love in his eyes.



i would shout, cry--
what good would it do?
my heart is hollow, heavy
weighted with you

make sure to leave the light on
i might break the night
i might meet the sun
but you'll be my beaken
no matter where i run

in sunlight, in rain, red dresses, or pain
i will never get what you're most afraid to give.
and i'm waiting--
waiting for all to change,
and it's been so long, i forgot to forget.
and i'm beginning to think my whole heart is in it.

but look at me. i'm a child.
i have eyes that reflect innocence, youth.
it's not my time. my heart is only sweet,
and it falls for anything once swept from its feet.

i think you're wrong, and if anything,
i'm diseased.
and you're too afraid to get close to me.
the good thing about illness is
there is always a cure

but you won't give me that either.
"no. no remedy for you."
you won't give me a chance.
while my heart is deflating,
we're losing romance

and you're so happy being the monster you are
who is more scary? who is the threat?
who is the one person you want to forget?
call me an angel, and i'll call you a coward.

if you ever listen to me, it might be too late.
but who am i to wrap my arms around fate?
you have your world, and i'm over its line.
know this.
i'm still certain that you belong in mine.

-gasp.-
it would be so awesome if the trailor for--

AHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAHHHHH
OOOOMMMMGGG
AAAHHHHAHAHH
AHHHHHHAHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


yeah. ^_^;.

dilemma

i’m caught somewhere in the middle
between new and familiar.
do i walk safely with my heart in comfort--
or tread over waters with familiarity littled
and comfort so unpromised?

i’ve dreamt of adventure, of butterflies--
of my body taut with anticipation and bliss,
my heart annihilated, during a searing kiss.
the depth of valleys and oceans in our eyes.

but there is music, laughter on the other side;
hands to envelope my hands, a partner of pride--
a friend that i have had... never once a foe--
along with art, warmth--a photograph of comfort.

thus so you see the dilemma haunting me,
and which, if which, direction am i to go--?
fire and spark, exploration and passion...
or a photograph of comfort; never once a foe?

i wrote this during school. i needed to vent.

another sad note, a blister to my mood;
conversations sharp and humid
    clawing, callous, cold
dainty little bandages covering the truth
it’s salient seeing the silence smother you

for you i evade pins and needles
not anymore, let pain befriend me
let your lack of expression condescend me
eggshells shatter as i "take my leave of thee"
funny since you’re less than royalty

alpha beta charlie delta echo foxtrot golf hotel india juliet kilo lima mike november oscar papa quebex romeo sierra tango uniform victor whiskey x-ray yankee zulu

i had the urge to flip through my english notebook from junior year, and i found my favorite page. i decided to share it with the myspace world (or anyone on the outside, too). i think it’s pretty amusing.

the page consists of a table: aphorisms on one side, meaning on the other. i’m pretty sure these aphorisms are from self-reliance by ralph waldo emerson. brilliant man.

1.) to be great is to be misunderstood.
2.) trust thyself.

why, hello!

so you'd like to know how to make your way up the social ladder! well, you've come to the right place.

first things first: it's not as hard as you may think. just follow a few easy steps. shall we begin? yes, of course!

STEP ONE - "Getting Prepared"
make some friends. make sure these friends aren't exactly 'popular' or 'widely admired.' keep in mind that these 'friends' should end up being there through thick and thin. oh, and if they don't support and encourage you unconditionally, go find some more.

STEP TWO - "Getting Cosy"
get very comfortable with your 'friends.' get confident in yourself. let them tell you time and time again that you are great, wonderful, talented, funny, handsome, beautiful, charming--anything. lean on them when you are so, so sad, and depend on their comforting words to build up your self-esteem.

STEP THREE - "Slipping into the "In Crowd"
when around other cliques that are of higher 'status' than your 'friends,' furtively start to slide your presence amongst them. suck up to them perhaps. fill their already over-confident mentalities with more mumbo-jumbo.

you know you have potentially achieved step three when:
STEP FOUR - "Preparing for Departure"
so hopefully you've succeeded, and you are now officially a part of that group in which you so desperately wanted to be. if so, it is now time to say good bye to those loyal 'friends' who gave you the confidence to make a change! how exciting!

all you have to do is... cleanly and effortlessly end all socialization with your 'friends.' no longer should you sit and talk with them or hang out with them; there is no need anymore! you've got new roads to walk on!

there is no more need to say hello to them if you happen to walk right beside them. ditch them when the bell rings to go to class! spend all class period talking to other people (even though in the beginning you allegedly signed up for such classes to be with your previous 'friends').



so there you have it! your personal step-by-step guide to having a better social life!


ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
i have none, in light of those who may not acknowledge me.

dear heart,

you love him. you ache and beat for him. your rhythm dances for him. he is your nature... your warmth... your release...

you are so young, so new, so vivacious. life has only begun for you. success has yet to run across you. there are mountains yet to climb and battles to be broken. there are words you have never learned and music you have never heard. take my word for it. there is world out there we have never experienced.

he loves you, heart. he loves my mind. he thinks you're beautiful and smart and talented. he believes in you. he dreams of you. he misses you. he wants to be with you.

he won't let it happen though. he won't let himself stay. he says he's too old. he says he's too far away. he says he's a monster, and i am the angel. he pushes you away despite how much he wants to hold you. he will never retreat from his walls.

so he has gone away, vanished, disappeared without a word. no farewell, no best wishes, no last affirmation of love. a clean break. a silent goodbye, and a snap of your being. broken.

what flowed with vibrance now flows with love that is not so bright. tears have soaked into my pillow, and words never said are whispered in the dark, in hopes of maybe reaching his ears. he is gone; he wanted make life better for the both of us by leaving. it's time you pick up the pieces and try to do what he wishes.

forget not, my heart, that you are his, and have been for longer than he knows. you will always envelope him, but it's time to open yourself up to new opportunities. this is what he wants.

yours forever,
jessica