You know how people are constantly waiting for Utopia or a heaven on Earth?  I was never one to really believe in it but you'll never believe what I just found out about.  Apparently, it's located in Arizona.  Road trip, anyone?

There's a place, a haven to be exact, in Arizona called the Heart Attack grill.  Started by a man who calls himself Dr. Jon, they offer a single, double, triple or quadruple bypass burger.  The big daddy of them is 8,000 calories weighing in at 2 pounds, 4 layers of cheese and 12 slices of bacon!  If you finish the whole thing, a nurse of your choice will take you to your vehicle in a wheelchair.  No, they're not actually nurses; just waitresses in skimpy nurse outfits.  The fries are cooked in pure lard, they have liquor, beer, and cigarettes on the menu too.  I'm not one for eating and smoking or smelling the smoke of others but I think the Lucky Strikes are just there to take w/ you when you're done.  After a burger of that size, you might need a cigarette.  Anywho, this Dr. Jon actually has a diet book out and is trying to promote his Heart Attack grill diet which allows the dieters to lose weight and be happy while doing so.  Now, a lot of people are nay sayers and I know what you're thinking: how could anyone possibly lose weiqht eatinq like that and drinkinq Jolt?  I only have one thing to say to that.. okay maybe two or three:  Look at me.  Haven't I always said that I love bacon, cheeseburgers, beer, whiskey, and pretty much anything beer battered, fried, wrapped in bacon and subsequently dipped in nacho cheese?  I weigh the same now as I did in high school and the only times I've ever gained weight in my life was while I was pregnant and when I was dating that guy that kept pushing me to eat 5 or 6 square meals a day.  THAT took a long time to work off. 


And so, dear readers, I'll leave you w/ what I started: pack your shit, it's roadtrip time.  No kids allowed.  Here're pictures to tantalize your mental tastebuds until our tasty trip!


(Oh, and not that this should be an incentive but I have to mention it: if you're over 350 pounds, you eat for free.. anybody have an anvil I can borrow? I'm short on dough)







I was going to post some of the waitresses.. err, nurses, but my kids are in the room & I'd rather not create stigma's about hospitals.

I just wanted to say a few things 'cause I've been rather irritated since Sunday.  My boyfriend's ex told him he could see his kids and take them fishing.  She failed to follow through with that commitment and then asked him (after hours of not responding to his calls or messages) if his Father's Day was as good as her current boyfriend's.  Now, I don't generally get involved in things of that nature but that was such a less than human thing to do that it's been bothering me.  Since I've been wanting to vent on that, I decided to take it a little further and get a few other things off my chest.  I'm sure most of my friends are familiar w/ my rant style so I'll stick to the usual.

First off: I'd like to point out that I'm Native American.  Now when I say native, I don't mean that my great uncle's cousin had a nephew that married an Indian, I mean I'm a mother fuckin Indian.  Lenne Lenape and w/ more blood than most 'natives'.  I surely don't have as much as some (like my mom) but I definitely have more than most.  My great grandmother was born on a reservation and from what she says, my grandmother would have been but they were out of town.  I've seen the tribal list of birth places, spoken the language, transcribed it, and used to be somewhat fluent.  I'd like to challenge any one that claims to be native to prove they have more blood than 6.25%.  Now, I'm a quarter so w/ 6.25 you'd still have less than my kids but at least that would verify a little.  I'd also like to know, Ms. Native, if you have an Indian name.. That you didn't just make up. My tribe has the first written history and theory of creation out of all US tribes.  Take that Chief Joseph!  I don't go around touting my blood heritage 'cause that's juvenile.  It just irritates the hell out of me when some people give themselves the title of native because they have dark skin.  Hello!! You're native alright.. To fuckin Mexico. 

Next up: When someone claims they are a sexy bitch, they're really only getting half of it right and it's not the half you'd wanna brag about.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a positive self image and that all people are beautiful but when you start posting shit saying how sexy you are and the bumper sticker that says, "I'm the one your boyfriend thinks about when he's fucking you", I just have to ask-- Have you looked in the mirror lately or did they all break the last time you walked by?  And, if our collective boyfriends were thinking of you during sex, that would only explain any time that they couldn't get it up or had to rush to the bathroom to vomit.. Much to the amazement of some females, it was commonly thought to be the result of heavy drinking.. Who knew, eh?

A side note: If you can't spell: don't type.. just read a fuckin book; like the dictionary.  Don't subject the rest of the world to your horribly worded, incorrect, and misspelt statements.  Example: You're a fucking idiot.  Not your, not youre.  You are= you're.  Understand now, kimosabe?  And I'm not raggin on my friends here.  I know that some are lacking in the English department but if you're going to use the language to insult someone or incite something, at least use it right.  How any person could think a misspelt sentence would, nay, could turn someone on is completely beyond me.  On top of that, if you're (<--see how that works?) already looking like shamu after a spray on tan, why are you even trying?

One last thing: Any person that fits the profile herein described is a pointless waste of space and I hope that they don't die from an awful cancer or disease but that they spend just as many minutes in agonizing torture as they've put all of the rest of us through in the duration of their pathetic, wasteful existence..  Maybe even bring back the ol' draw and quarter but w/ tourniquets so they can live.  And employ maggots and leaches.. But I digress.  My point is, certain people really piss me off.  It's pretty hard to get me very angry so I'm not there yet.  Just want to vent.  I just want to talk to my friends collectively w/o having to make them all dinner and be the center of attention.  Let them know that there are such beasts out there and that they should be on the lookout.  When the zombie apocolypse comes to pass, this person will be the first person I shoot... In the leg.  Not because they're likely to be a zombie but because I'm going to use their body parts as bait.

So, I was strolling through the best of Craigslist when I cam upon this post.  It's in the Pittsburgh area so don't get too excited all my fellow Idahoans.  Here's the original text and subject cause I just can't think of anything to say that would be much different from your own thoughts on the matter.  If you want to see the post on the Craigslist site, just click the subject.  Have fun!

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.

Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT


I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.

I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.

A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.

Please supply your own footwear.

The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.

DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

Imagine this: you take some pictures of you happy family, post them to your favorite sites to share with your friends, maybe even make a Christmas card.  Everyone with happy, smiling faces are looking at the camera.  6 months or maybe a year goes by and you probably don't think much of your pictures until you get that phone call.

Which phone call?  I'm sure you all have some ideas formulated already.  The one in particular I'm speaking about is the one a woman from Missouri, Danielle Smith, received just the other day.  Her friend happened to be driving through Prague (as all of our friends are known to do from time to time) and saw her smiling life-sized family portrait in the store front window of a Czech grocery store.

Now how did the owner get the photo? Apparently he found it online and thought it was computer generated.  Usually people make a lot of money when their image is used in advertising so now I know you're wondering what he's offering in recompense.. He said he would be happy to email an apology to the family if they'd like one and he's "making efforts to have it removed".  Seriously, how hard would it be to just ask the manager or an employee to take the thing down?  Makes me wonder if my kids are out there anywhere.  Scary thought.  ..But I'd probably just tell him to leave it up and take offers from any other interested parties.

I'm so excited. To ride the rides, eat the food and see the sights.  And, oh! what sights!

Here's what some people at their own carnivals have seen.  Wonder if we'll get this ride here in Idaho.

I was reading the news yesterday & had to laugh at a few things.  The stories themselves aren't funny but the headlines used were.  Here they are:

Actor David Carradine, best known for his tv-series Kung Fu & Kung Fu: The Legend Continues and his work in Kill Bill 1 & 2 was found after apparently committing suicide by hanging himself in his hotel room closet during the filming of his new movie "Stretch".  Perhaps he was a method actor or maybe doing some research?

A South Carolina mother has been charged with child neglect for concealing her 555 pound son!  Little hard to conceal someone of that size.  Especially since he was only 14.  Other headlines included Mom & 555lb son on the run!  And: They were found hiding in Maryland.  I'd think they would be pretty easy to spot.

And my personal favorite: An 18 year old Idaho woman has been arrested for throwing ranch dressing at another motorist during a fit of road rage.  Why is that so funny other than the obvious?  Because she rammed her gmc Sonoma truck into a little Kia SEVERAL times but that wasn't enough for the headline creators.  Had to throw in there the ranch dressing part.  And in case you're curious, there's a link to her Myspace page on the Weekly Vice.  But no, she hasn't logged in since going to jail and yes! she has truth box!  Muahahahahahahahaha.

So, as some of you know, I've been reading this blog online at bandage bloggage.  It's a very informative and funny blog.  I've added a few story ideas but since I have so many of my own, I've decided I'll just do the same thinq.  And in case you're wonderinq, no, my jee key is not fixed yet so the q's are on purpose.


I usually post interestinq stories I find or funny/scary videos and I love debunkinq the numerous multi-posted bulletins that are so full of crap they're almost funny.  Today, I want to post about somethinq I've been thinkinq of lately that I'd usually brinq up at a poker qame or over a pool table.  As my subject hints, it's about the phrase Only In America.


It used to be that immiqrants would come here and make their fortune or find equal protection and opportunity.  In An American tale (the cute little mouse story that subconsciously warned children of the terrors of Nazism), Feival's dad believes to have found safety from persecution for his little family.  In 20 Bucks, starrinq Brendan Frasier, he becomes betroathed to a woman who's father show's up in the US w/ only 20 bucks and becomes a millionaire.



So, now the world sees us as beinq horrible cruel people that do thinqs w/o qood reason.  And with a lot of resources to back it up.  See: man that eats his son's eye, or son cuts out dad's pacemaker w/ a pocket knife or man throws baby from car.  How do I know the rest of the world has chanqed their opinions of us?  A man in Belqium attacked children and daycare workers for no apparent reason and one of the people interviewed commented on how they thouqht this stuff only happens in America.

All of this leads me to my point.  There are so many thinqs qoinq on in our country and in our news that the funny/happy stuff just qets iqnored or not reported on.  I've decided to start bloqqinq about these crazy news stories I come across and (with my sick sense of humor in tow) report on the better of them.


Here's my happy endinq: with all this horrible stuff on the internet, Microsoft has made our world just a little easier.  (I know, I know, me sayinq Microsoft has somethinq to offer?  Just wait for it.)  Remember those days of youth when you tediously searched for somethinq for hours, tryinq to find it for free, tryinq to find it safely w/o qettinq a virus or data-miners hosinq your system?  Those awful days of sittinq for minutes or hours waitinq for a video to download just to have to reboot and start all over?  Or what about qettinq there and findinq the video wasn't what you actually wanted?  Here's where Microsoft steps in and answers all your prayers!  You can use their new search enqine called Binq and actually preview videos with out even leavinq their enqine!  Amazinq? Yes.  Helpful?  Oh yeah. Revolutionary? Depends on who ya are.  Danqerous?  It is if you have kids.  Why?  Well, I'm qlad you asked.  'Cause you can watch all the porn you want for free w/o verifyinq aqe or qoinq throuqh those pesky reqistration processes and you don't even need a credit card.  Can you say Wahoo?!!  As KateMonster's sonq qoes, The internet is for PORN!

..

...And in related news, at least they're not screaminq.

Normally, I'd have to say, "Of course I am."  Unfortunately I found that I am most certainly not proud to be from Idaho on at least one particular day, am extremely embarrassed by a good number of it's citizens, and would go so far as to say I sincerely hope that none of the people I call friends were at this event and behaved with so little decorum and respect for other people and property.  It really is disgusting to think how Boiseans and fellow Idahoans camped out to be the first in the doors but are the last ones in line to pay for their kids immunizations.  And don't they realize how idiotic and pathetic they look to the rest of the state and country?  Well, I'm not one to point fingers and laugh when someone trips or draw attentions to someones misfortune but this is a little different.  I'm hoping that pointing this out to my friends that live hear can spread the word around and dissuade my fellow statesman from acting like complete jack holes this coming holiday season. 
....And so, with out further ado, the video that started this whole thing.

That's it, I'm ivin everyone world maps and Encyclopedia's for birthdays and Christmas from now on.  (And my key between F & H is still not workin)

I found a bit of a shorter version of this on http://band1967.spaces.live.com/, a blog I read all the time.  This is the Youtube version but it's basically the same thing.  Now, as all of you know, I'm not a big fan of the average American and their severe lack of intellience (I spilt somethin on my keyboard and the key next to F & H doesn't always work).  This video was just so cute and so funny I had to repost it.  I wouldn't expect very many people to know of which country Budapest is the capitol but I would expect most people to know that Europe isn't a country.  --And I got it right.

So, I found this story posted by Connie Johnston on a blog site. It was such a funny story, I decided to repost it. This is her post pasted.

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, After all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pi$$ed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

I read this on a bloggers website.  He's funny and a pretty good writer.  You can read his blogs here: http://bandage.wordpress.com/

This is not for the feint of heart.. hehehe.. And it's all true.

He Made It Seem Effortless

Posted in Uncategorized on January 13, 2009 by bandage

He Made It Seem Effortless

How far would you go to prove you’re crazy?

Um… Ok, well maybe that’s not the right question since trying to prove you’re crazy might not fit very well with the definition of being crazy. How about this: How far would a given person have to go to prove to you that he or she is crazy?

Now, I’m not talking about things like talking to yourself as you walk down the street, or wearing your underwear on your head. We might call people crazy over that kind of stuff, but I’m not sure we really mean it. I mean the kind of behavior that really shows, without a shadow of a doubt, that someone is completely bonkers.

Well, that threshold is surely different for each of us, so let me tell you about someone who will really make you think about this question. I’ll give you the story from beginning to end and you then let me know when that ‘crazy’ bell goes off for you.

1. In 2004, 25-year-old Andre Thomas, estranged husband and father with drug and alcohol problems as well as a history of mental problems, murders his wife, 4-year-old son, and 13-month-old daughter.

Not yet? How about this:

1. After said murders, perpetrator rips everyone’s hearts out of their chests, puts them in his pocket, takes them home, slips them into a plastic bag, throws them out, and then proceeds to stab himself in the chest.

Getting closer? No?

1. After doing all of this, perpetrator walks into the Sherman police department (in Texas) freely reporting, in full detail, all his recent activities.

Big deal, right? There’s probably more ‘guilty conscience’ than ‘crazy’ on this one.

1. Perpetrator plucks out his right eye before his trial in 2004.

Getting interesting yet? For your information, a judge ruled that he was still competent to stand trial after doing this, so you’re not alone if you still have doubts.

1. Last week, he plucked out his left eye, leaving him completely blind.

Oh my…. Um… Well, crazy or not, how dangerous could he be at this point, right?

1. When perpetrator was asked by the prison doctor what happened to the eye he plucked out this time around, he stated that he ate it. –that’s ‘ate’ as in eaten or ingested.

Well, now I’m convinced and even the hard-liners in the Texas justice system couldn’t withstand that little display. Andre has now been transferred to a prison psychiatric facility called the Jester Unit (Jester?! As in court jester? WTF?), and he currently has no execution date.

Source:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28582204/

We walked together once, on a summers blue sky day
You held my hand and kissed me once
And said you’d never go away

You gazed deeply into my eyes, and let me feel your love
You put your arms around my heart
And held me so high above

That was our last day under the sun.

I’m in this room, filled with darkness
The air cold, my chest is tight
The light is gone, piercing sharpness
the pain is clear and bright

I cried once from being filled with joy
I cry now from too much sorrow
There was once you were a boy
You bid me farewell, until the morrow

that was our last day under the sun.

We strolled through grass and flowers in hand
Now I lay on concrete and dust
You gave me birds sweet song across warm sand
But these walls are covered with rust.

My heart pumps my sadness through my soul
My hair has turned to grey
My eyes see nothing but this empty hole
Why would you not stay.

I hear your jokes and see your smiling face
And feel my entire frame shake
I call your name to this abandoned place
And stutter as I quake.

You used to rock me in your arms
god I felt brand new
I hear your whispered charms
As we planned our whole life through

that was our last day under the sun.

I feel my eyes crying, though I have no tears to shed
In this darkness all around me
I swear that I am dead

Why did you leave me so alone,
why did you escape with out me
This cold pierces me to the bone
I believed in you devoutly

I scream your name but it echoes back
Reminding me that I’m alone
I shriek and wale and beat the ground
But I can not break this stone

This is my tomb, my private hell
I see the light of daybreak
Inside my self I’m choking now
the chill I can not shake

With icy breath I lay me down
Into your imagined arms
Hold me close until I’m still
and keep me safe from harm

We walked together once, on a summers blue sky day
You held my hand and kissed me once
And said you’d never go away

That was our last day under the sun.

You are my blue bird
except your eyes are not blue
You are my sunshine
though you haven't the hue

You come to me
Or I come to you
At weeks end
The days are so few

I love your touch
Your scent gives me chills
and when you kiss me
I know not such thrills

I feel restful yet restless
When wrapped in your arms
your sweet words do bound me
I'm lost in your charms

I know none other
That makes me want so
You're like mountains in springtime
Or valleys of snow

I yearn for the stars
You hold deep in your eyes
I long for your grasp
And return it with sighs

To play hard to get
is easily said
For others it's simple
But you're so well read

The pleasures and passions
you've read book and read rhyme
Who would have thought
I would come at this time

Years ago you'd be lost
With a girl such as me
But now you're too selfish
you don't quite see

You're like dear Ebinezer
that scrooge of times past
Wanting too many riches
How long will I last?

Will you finally see me
For who I can be
To love and to cherish
Will you make a decree?

How long shall I wait
Or shall I move on?
Boys come like morning birds
With every new dawn

If I had my pick of the lot
Which I do
Surprise surprise
I'd certainly pick you

It's like diving off a cliff
Or jumping out a plane
I want things to be different
And with you it's not the same

Excitement and passion
has held thus long it seems
While all the other girls
Have to be concocting new schemes

When you speak so low and so soft
My lips start to flutter
Sweet nothings you whisper
And I can't help but stutter

I understand your fear
It has come to my attention
don't lead me on
If you don't want my affection

It starts to make sense
As I think further on't
A girl to please you
and tease you, you want

You let me love and care
And open my heart
Fucking cupid has shot me
With a scolding hot dart

But other words have cooled it
And I have now quite a hole
It would be gaping and bleeding
If I had such a soul

Lucky me I'm so empty
That I can not be hurt
you can love me and leave me
but you're lower than dirt

I laugh and I cry
Like everyday little girls
but you'll never again touch
my head full of curls

I'll turn my face away
At simply the thought
Of your warmth or your smile
its equal I know nought

you can not have me
For I was put on the shelf
you stole my heart away
and lost it in yourself

I'm not fucking fragile
You will never break me
If you want me I dare you
Come try to take me