I was recently talked into participating in a Womanless Fashion Show, a charity event for a student group at the college where I teach.  Being the seriously academic intellectual that I am, I decided to thoroughly research the role I was about to play, hence I adjourned to the local Wal Mart Supercenter to shop for various feminine products such as fake finger nails, fake eye lashes, not long after which I started to wonder just how much of you ladies is actually real?

After rounding one corner I found myself face to face with a row of feminine products that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t need for the fashion show, after all I would still be 100% male underneath the dress and makeup.  But it did make me wonder whether it was a man or a woman within the wonderful world of Wal Mart that decided that condoms should be classified as a feminine hygiene product.  Not that I’m complaining mind you, I can think of several reasons why it makes good sense to me. 

I also discovered that this particular Wal Mart doesn’t sell fish net stockings.  One would logically think that if they sold fish net stockings they would in turn sell a lot more condoms, but then again I guess that’s why I’m not in marketing.

The sponsors of the event told me that they would provide the dress and makeup, so I went to the rehearsal early mainly to get first choice of  frockery. They had several dresses to choose from, most of which I couldn't fit one leg inside.  While trying to zip up the back of a size 20 blue strapless blue evening gown I had managed to crawl into one young lady commented that I must be a size 24, to which I promptly responded "No, I'm a 48 long.”

After applying enough leverage to tip over a coke machine we finally managed to get the dress zipped, so blue it was going to be.  I decided to try to find hair to match, so I went to Spencer’s Gifts to try to find a blue wig.  The sales clerk informed me that they only sold those at Halloween and had shipped them all back to the warehouse, but I did find a nice pair of black thigh high fishnet stockings, one size fits all.  Yeah, right.  I then went to Party Zone, in whose costume department I found not only the blue wig I was seeking but a great pair of fake boobs.  It occurred to me that Snap On Tools are not only for mechanics and lesbians, but also the occasional malingering cross dresser..

The big night finally arrived and I was ready.  Having a nice young lady dabbing make up on my face was pretty fun actually, until she glued my eyelids shut while attaching my false eyelashes.  The show itself went without a hitch, except my  one size fits all fishnet stockings kept sliding down to my ankles, plus my toes kept poking through the fishnet holes in the feet and cutting off my circulation.  I guess if I do it again next year I’ll have to wear socks under them and invest in a good garter belt; and if Wal Mart doesn’t have that either I KNOW they have duct tape.

Is that scary or what?

I love Springtime!!  After all, 'tis the season when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of  . . .  mowing!!     My faithful lawnmower finally mowed one oat too many, the hydrostatic rear end gave up the ghost last week.  That means that it will still mow the one spot where it is sitting really well, it just won't move around and mow the rest of the yard any more.  I always thought the term 'static' meant 'still' and 'dynamic' meant 'moving', so I think that it used to be hydrodynamic, NOW it's hydrostatic.  Either way, for a while I was reduced to using the weed eater, a pair of pinking shears, and a bottle of Round Up, but Sears had a really great Father's Day sale so I'm back in the saddle again.

Some guy stopped by and asked what I would take for the old one and I told him I'd take $50 just to get it out of my yard.  So he gave me the $50 and the last I saw of it he was towing it down the street behind his pickup truck.  I suppose he plans to tow it around his yard behind his pickup also, so why didn't I think of that?  It would make it tough to mow in tight spots though.  I did think about harnessing the cats who live on my front porch to it, but when I walked out the door with a buggy whip they all scattered, ran like cowards, and hid under the house.  And after all the Little Friskies I buy them, some gratitude!!

Actually, I did inherit a push mower when Dave died, but my ex immediately proceeded to pour gasoline into the oil spout, so it didn't last very long.  This time of year, I do miss Dave.  Not that he was around much in the summers, as soon as school let out he would hit the road in his Corvette and stay gone most all summer, but he would pass back through here from time to time, and that is when we would have some of our deepest, most thought provoking academic conversations.  Like, why does bottled water have an expiration date?  I mean, if it's 100% pure water, what can expire?  My friend Spices recently pointed out that at least some brands of bottled water contain preservatives, so I have decided that the water (and the bottle!) will last forever, but the preservatives are best if used by Jan 2009.

Apparently my mower was best if used before Jun 2008, but I never saw that label on it anywhere.  Also, apparently Dave was best if used before Oct 2006, but I never saw that label on him either.   And neither did Dave.  I know, that's morbid humor at best, but Dave had (has that is) a really twisted sense of humor and would have appreciated it. 

We all have an expiration date, and none of us know when it is; I kind of prefer it that way actually, so I don't have to worry about it.  Besides, my life insurance is paid up, I'm with Jesus Christ Mutual Life, and all of the premiums were paid by the provider.  Wanna live forever?  You can get your own prepaid policy by clicking:

© 2008

No trumpets sound, no angels sing
An ordinary man
Breaks forth now from his mother's womb
He's born American

He grows up in the cornfields green
The farmer's plow his toy
He works from dawn til setting sun
His father's smile, his joy

As he grow's older, maidens fair
Take notice of his poise
The way he throws the baseball and
The way he makes his choice

His faith he places in the Lord
Eternal life he gains
His heart he gives to one fair maid
Her love his heart sustains

But storm clouds gather o'er our land
Our honor is at stake
Our son then knows without a doubt
The path his life should take

He sheds his dreams of riches and
Of comf'trability
He chooses to take up our cause
In lands beyond the sea

On battlefields of smoke and flame
A living hell on earth
His unit pressed behind the lines
He's called to prove his worth

He makes the choice to stay behind
Their destiny to shape
And holds the enemy at bay
While his comrades escape

I wonder what thoughts cross his mind
Does he regret his part?
As suddenly the bullet strikes
And pierces through his heart

Now trumpets sound! Now angels sing!
The heavens all rejoice!
In honor of his sacrifice
Of his unselfish choice

Our Lord Himself takes notice, from
His bus'ness takes a pause
And welcomes home our faithful son
With thunderous applause

So as you now enjoy the peace
Our brother died to give
Don't e'er forget his sacrifice
As long as you may live

I pray that now you all will take
Before this day is done
A solitary moment to
Salute Our Nation's Son

Amen

© 2007

Be careful what you choose to celebrate.  The name Easter comes from the pagan fertility goddess Ishtar (pronounced Easter) and her spring festival which includes bunnies and eggs as symbols of fertility.  Through out the kingdom years of Israel (described in the books of Kings and Chronicles in the Bible), Israel almost constantly stayed in trouble with God because they participated in the religion of Baal and Astoreth (Ishtar) that they learned from the people living around them.  God ultimately punished them for this great sin by allowing them to be destroyed as a nation and taken into captivity.  The Book of Revelation indicates that this ancient occult religion that originated in Babel/Babylon is still alive and powerful today.

Revelation 17:3-6

       MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.

  6 I saw the woman, drunk with the blood of the saints and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus. And when I saw her, I marveled with great amazement.

So just what is this mystery religion, and where did it began?  After the great flood, Noah’s son Ham had a son named Cush who had a son named Nimrod.  This is the same Nimrod mentioned in Genesis 10 – 11 who ruled over Babel/Babylon and attempted to build the tower of Babel as part of his mystery religion.  When Cush died, Nimrod married his own mother Semiramis (aka Ishtar, Ashtoreth, the Queen of Heaven and many other names), became a powerful king and established his own religion to worship him as a god and his mother/wife as a goddess.  This mystery religion included astrology, the worship of the sun, the moon, and various stars, and human sacrifice.  When Nimrod was killed, Semiramis claimed that he had ascended to the sun and became the sun god Baal (aka Molach and other names).  Semiramis claimed to be the moon goddess and the goddess of fertility.  She later had an illegitimate son named Tammuz who she claimed was immaculately conceived and was Nimrod reincarnated, so she altered the mystery religion to include worship of the mother and the child (but more so the mother of course).  Tammuz was eventually killed by a wild boar, and Semiramis claimed that he was reincarnated every spring in the renewal of vegetation, and initiated a yearly spring festival of Ishtar (Easter) on the first Sunday after the first full moon following the Spring Equinox to celebrate his "resurrection".  This pagan festival included bunnies and eggs as symbols of fertility and of the goddess herself.

For more detailed information, go to
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-t020.html

Practically every form of idolatry and false religion imaginable has evolved from this mystery religion of Semiramis and Nimrod.  When God confused the languages of the people and scattered them from the tower of Babel, they took this mystery religion with them to all parts of the Earth, only using different names for the primary characters in their new languages.  The Adversary, Satan, is the ultimate author of this religion and its propagation through time, and he still uses it today in trying to tempt people away from the true worship of Christ.  Its ties to Easter are just one form of this.

So ask yourself, even if we are focusing on the true resurrection of the Son of God, Christ Jesus, and celebrating Him, is it pleasing to Him for us to incorporate the symbols of this ancient abomination into that celebration?  How many Christian churches will have a sun rise service this Sunday (worshiping the rising sun, Baal)?  How many churches will have an Easter egg hunt for the children?  Why don’t we completely focus on Jesus and celebrate Resurrection Sunday, and honor Him by divesting this celebration of ALL pagan symbolism including the name Easter.

And if you have yet to come to know Christ in person, what better time than the weekend of His Passion?

© 2007 (originally posted April 5, 2007)

There once was an old man who lived in the mountains at the head of the holler with his grandson and a mule named Ol' Hiney.  Now, before we get into the story, do ya'll know what a holler is?  Some folks would spell it h o l l o w, but where I come from it's pronounced holler, and it's the low place in between mountains.  At the head of the holler where the old man lived he was surrounded by mountains on three sides with the holler stretching out in front of him.  One day the old man and the boy decided that they didn't really need Ol' Hiney anymore and they could use some extra money, so they decided to take Ol' Hiney into town to sell him. 

The next morning they got up early (because it was a long way down the holler to town) and started leading Ol' Hiney down the holler.  They hadn't gone far before they passed a house where there were people sitting on their front porch drinking their morning coffee.  One of the people turned to the other and said: "Look at those two idiots!!  Walking and leading that mule when at least one of them could be riding!"  The old man and the boy didn't want to look like idiots, so the old man helped the boy climb up on Ol' Hiney's back and they started on again.

They went a bit further and they passed a farm where the farmer and his son were out feeding their cows.  The father turned to the son and said "Look at that mean little boy, riding on that mule and making his Grandpa walk!"  The old man didn't want the boy to look mean, so he climbed up on Ol' Hiney's back with the boy and they started on again.

They went a bit further and they passed another house where the people were out working in their garden.  One turned to the other and said "Look at those cruel people, riding double on that poor old mule's back!!"  Well, the old man didn't want to look cruel so they got back down and started walking again.

They went a bit further and passed another farm where the veterinarian was making a barn call checking on the farmer's horse.  The veterinarian turned to the farmer and said "Look at those two fools!!  They're walking that poor old mule to town to try and sell it, but by the time they get it there it will be so worn out they won't get anything for it!!"  The old man and the boy didn't want to look like fools, so they picked Ol' Hiney up on their shoulders and started on again.

They went a bit further and they came to a foot bridge over a deep canyon.  They got about halfway across the bridge and hit a slick spot, slipped, and pitched Ol' Hiney over the side where he fell down into the canyon and was killed.  Graveyard dead. 

Do ya'll like that story?  Well, it does have a moral.  The moral is: Don't try to please everyone or you'll lose your Hiney.  And you should know you're getting close when you put your Hiney up on your shoulders.

Of course you can't please everybody, no matter what you do, someone is going to find fault somewhere.  But Christians are called to a higher standard than other people.  And I have a bone to pick with my pastor over this, a few Wednesday nights ago he started talking about Karma, you know, 'what goes around comes around', and he was really kind of laughing at the idea, saying it was a pagan belief.  I love my pastor like a brother, but I disagree with him on this point, respectfully of course.  The Bible doesn't use the word Karma, that itself is pagan, the idea that there is some unknown mystical force that keeps the universe in balance.  But the Bible does teach that the way we treat other people will come back to us.

Paul wrote to the Galatians:

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
Galatians 6:7

Jesus Himself, in His sermon on the mount said:

"Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."
Matthew 7:1-2

or as Luke recorded it:

"Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."
Luke 6:37-38

And then of course there's the Golden Rule:

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:12

I won't call it Karma, but that sounds a whole lot to me like 'what goes around comes around,' and that's the way I was raised to treat people.  The way you treat other people will come back to you, someway, somehow, somewhere.  I have an ex wife that says I am the only person she knows that can continually keep falling into big piles of manure and continually keep coming out smelling like a rose (although she doesn't say it quite that politely).  I don't know about that, but to the extent it might be true it is because I consistently try to do the right things for the right reasons.  Of course I stumble and fall sometimes just like anyone else, but I do my best.  And there is a mystical force that keeps the universe in balance.  I don't call it Karma, I call Him the Holy Spirit.

Being a Christian, above all, honor your commitments.  If you tell someone you are going to be there or do something, then be there and do it.  What would Jesus do?  Break a promise?  Or lead you to break a promise to someone else?  As Paul wrote to Timothy:

For I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day.
2 Timothy 1:12

And that means everything I've committed to Him.  Another ex wife, while going through a divorce with me, told her attorney about me "If he says he'll do it he will, he's a man of  his word."  That's the best compliment anyone ever gave me.  Jesus will never leave us or forsake us, and He will never lead us to leave or forsake our own commitments either.  My point is, treat other people right, do the right thing even when someone else does you wrong, even if it hurts.  You may not can please everybody, but you can please Jesus, and you'll draw closer to Jesus' heart.

© 2008

When I was a student at Itawamba Junior College (aka 'Wampus Tech' and 'Harvard on the Tombigbee' for those of ya'll not privileged enough to be from around here) around 1980, a group of people around my hometown of Mantachie started putting together 'pasture parties.'  Now these were not gatherings of the deacons from the local churches, but drunken debaucheries that would start around dusk on a Saturday evening and last well into the wee hours of the morning.   They would set up a flat bed trailer for a stage out in a pasture located far enough off the beaten path that U.S. spy satellites still aren't able to photograph it, set up generators and have live music all night and sometimes all through the next day.  People would bring kegs, liquor, white lightning, and pretty much any other controlled substance the DEA has ever heard of and quite probably a few that they haven't.

One particular Saturday night I had been out on a date with a girl from Tupelo, had dropped her off at her parent's house around midnight and was heading home, when I decided to stop by the pasture party just to see what was going on.  When I got out of my car I could hear over the music the most blood curdling yells I'd ever heard in my life, but I recognized the voice, I knew immediately it was my best friend, Bubba.

I followed the sound of the ruckus and found him at a bonfire about 100 yards from the stage with an almost empty fifth bottle of Jose Cuervo (turned out to be his SECOND fifth that evening).  Now folks, it is a gross understatement to say that he was feeling no pain.  He was dancing around the fire, occasionally jumping over it, and every now and then he'd stop dead in his tracks, throw back his head, and let out a 'Whoooaaaaahooooooo' that I'm sure rattled windows for miles around.  I tried to talk him into letting me take him home, but he'd have no part of it, according to him he was the only one there still trying to have a good time, and it was his patriotic duty to keep the party going.

Now, Bubba's a big fellow, at that time about 6 foot tall and 250 lb of solid muscle (though nowadays it's mostly turned into table muscle), and when he was full of tequila there was really no point in trying to argue with him, but I tried anyway.  It got pretty heated and there were some pretty severe threats exchanged, and finally I threw up my hands and said "Son, you'd come closer to climbing to the top of that pine tree yonder than you would driving yourself home tonight."  Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

"What do you mean I can't climb that blank blankety-blank pine tree?  I'll show you!!"  And off he went.  Now folks this tree was about a foot and a half to two feet in diameter at the bottom, and went way up into the night sky, I'm guessing 75 – 80 feet, but I figured what's the harm, he's not going to make it very far up it, and maybe he'll wear himself out and be ready to go home.  But I was wrong. 

He started up that tree like a monkey, and before I knew it he was already out of sight in the darkness.   Somebody had a flash light, so we spotlighted him, and watched him climb all the way up to about 10 feet from the top of the tree.  He would have gone higher, but he stepped on a small branch that broke with him and almost fell, which seemed to sober him up, at least a little, and he wrapped both arms and legs around the trunk and hung on for dear life.  I told him to climb back down, but he said "I can't, these limbs will break with me."

Back down on the ground we had started to discuss various theories involving chainsaws and logging chains when Bubba had an idea.  He started swinging his weight back and forth getting the tree to swing with him, and of course each swing would go a little further out and bring him a little closer to the ground.  Before long he was coming down to about eye level and the top of the tree was hitting the ground.  We tried a couple of times to grab it, but small branches kept breaking off in our hands, so the next time he came down I hollered to him "Let go!!!"  He hollered back "I can't!!!" and up he'd go again.  "Whooooaaahoooooooo!!!!"  He'd come back down again and I'd holler "Let go!!!"  and he'd holler "I can't!!"  "Whoooaaaahooooo!!!!" and up he'd go again.

After a few repetitions of this, apparently he reached the limitations of the tensile strength of a pine tree and the tree snapped, throwing him straight up into the air, still holding on tight to the top 15 feet of that pine tree.   I don't know exactly how high he went and I don't think he does either, though he still claims he passed a 747 on the way back down.   We lost track of him with the flashlight, but could hear him all the way down:  Whop!! He landed on his back on a limb and it flipped him over and then Whop!! He hit another limb with his front side and it flipped him again and then Whop!! Whop!! Whop!! Whop!! Whop!! Whop!! Whop!! I actually lost count of all the Whops, but I can guarantee you he didn't miss a single limb all the way down, and then finally Whop!!  He landed on the ground right out in front of us, flat on his back, still holding on tight to the top of that pine tree.

It took us several minutes to pry his arms and legs loose so we could get the tree off of him, but we finally did.  He wasn't exactly conscious, he was kind of moaning and groaning, and we were trying to keep his back and neck straight in case he'd broken something, when suddenly his eyes opened wide, he sat up and said "The fire's dying down boys, throw that ol' pine top on it and let's get her going again!!!" and then blacked back out.  He woke up again a few minutes later, got up and walked around, remarkably nothing was broken except the pine tree, but he was pretty banged up and ready to go home and go to bed.  He didn't get up for a week.

Somewhere in the vast uncharted wilderness that is greater Itawamba County, Mississippi there stands a lone pine tree which will never grow any taller, though it tends to grow broader over the years, underneath which is an imprint in the ground which looks a whole lot like my best friend Bubba.

I asked him later why he couldn't let go of the tree when he was so close to the ground those times, and he said "I just couldn't do it, it was all in the world I had to hold on to!!"

Sometimes all of us hold on to things that we shouldn't.  Over the past few months I've heard the phrase "Let go, and let God!!" bounced around a lot but I'm not too sure that those who are saying it truly know what it means.  People will say things like "I was living in a trailer and I needed a better house, so I prayed and "Let go, and let God!!" and God helped me buy that better house!!" or "I was in a dead end job and I needed a better one so I prayed and "Let go, and let God!!" and God helped me get that better job!!"  These are examples of people reaching out in faith to God and asking for his blessings, but these are NOT examples of letting go and letting God.  Did they have the credit resources to pay for that house?  Did they have the credentials and experience to get that job?  The answer is yes.

"Let go, and let God!!" means that after you have received those blessings from God that you are willing and able to place exactly those blessings that you received from God back on His alter and let Him take them away if it suits His plan for you.   Remember the story of Abraham and Isaac.  Isaac was the son God promised Abraham, but God commanded Abraham:

"Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." Genesis 22:2

And of course Abraham proceeded to do so and God stopped him at the last minute.

God demands exactly that for every blessing He gives us.  If we are not willing to do exactly that those blessings then become an idol in our lives and come between us and God.  In the January 22 devotional from "My Utmost for His Highest" Oswald Chambers writes:

"The greatest difficulty spiritually is to concentrate on God, and His blessings are what make it so difficult.  Troubles almost always make us look to God, but His blessings tend to divert our attention elsewhere." 

The Apostle John wrote:

15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.
1 John 2:15-17

It is wrong for us to say "I know that God wants me to have this because I know that He gave it to me."  Sometimes God gives us blessings just to test to see what we will do with them, and if we are not able to "Let go, and let God!!" those things become a wedge between us and Him, or as I said earlier an idol in our lives.  If we do reach that point, He will take those blessings away because He will not permit us to have any other 'gods' before Him.

Even when we do "Let go, and let God!!" sometimes He takes things away from us for other reasons, sometimes to test us, sometimes we may not ever know the reason why.  Whenever I experience a loss in my life (as I have recently) I always go back to the story of Job.  Even though God Himself described Job as "a blameless and upright man," He permitted Satan to take from Job everything that he had excepting only his life to test Job.  Satan then proceeded to take away his children, his wealth, and his health.  I think it noteworthy that the one thing Satan did not take from Job was his wife, who immediately proceeded (or continued?) to nag him, but that's a lesson for another day.  The main point I'm making here is that even though Job passed the test God never explained to him why.   I've learned through the trials and losses in my own life to say along with Job:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21

That's not an easy lesson to learn, and I trust God that as with Job, once the time of testing is over He will replace that which was lost with something even better.

And of course the one blessing we should never let go of:

© 2008

I read somewhere recently that when a woman sees a man for the first time, she instinctively within a few seconds makes a decision whether she wants to have sex with him or not.  I don't believe that this is a conscious decision, mind you, but an instinctive one, one that comes not from the conscious mind, but from the subconscious.  To take that a step further, whenever any human being first sees another human being, either being male, female, or some indeterminate state in between, they subconsciously within a few seconds make a decision about whether or not they like that person.  Now don't get me wrong, when a guy first sees ANY woman he makes a CONSCIOUS decision that he DOES want to have sex with her, unless there is something VERY obvious in her physical appearance or personality that dictates to him otherwise, and even then a moderate amount of alcohol can overcome a MOUNTAIN of imperfections.  Well, boys will be boys.

Places like myspace, facebook, internet personals sites, etc. place an overly heavy emphasis on photographs, on how good you look, or at least on how good you can MAKE yourself look.  Entire industries have arisen around trying to manufacture physical beauty.   Of course there are the basic hair care and make up products that are used pretty universally, but you can only apply so much make up and mousse before you reach the law of diminishing returns.    A big part of the problem is that they are only temporary and have to be reapplied every day, in some cases a repetitive routine taking hours a day and fast becoming a leading cause of carpel tunnel syndrome in women over 35.  Then there are more permanent solutions like cosmetic surgery.  You can get a boob job, a nose job, a face lift, have your lips enhanced, your teeth whitened, and permanent eyeliner tattooed around your eyes (and then of course that shade immediately goes out of style).  If you're overweight you can have your fat vacuumed (how about cleaned and pressed?), your tummy tucked, and your stomach stapled.  (Stomach stapled?  To what, a gallon of Hagen-Das?) Then there's the poor woman's version of cosmetic surgery: the Glamour Shot.   Ladies, you can skip to the next paragraph now, these next lines are a public service announcement for guys only: GLAMOUR SHOTS LIE!!!  She may be a very nice lady, her personality may be exactly what you want, but just be forewarned, she does NOT really look like that!!!  If you're one of the "Shallow Hal" types who is only interested in a woman if she looks great, RUN!!!!

One lady after seeing one of the photos of me in church wrote me that "If all the speakers were as purdy as you, I'd come to church more often!!"  All I can say to that is my pastor is a lot "purdier" than I am, so if that's all it takes, ya'll come on!!  But even then, I'm afraid you'd miss the whole point of the matter.

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if that were true guys would all be walking around wearing rose colored glasses with miniature versions of that '70's Farah Fawcett poster glued to the inside of the lenses.  Or maybe Bo Derek, the perfect '10.'  It seems that everyone wants to find perfect physical beauty, or at least to manufacture it (hence the glamour shots), but what they don't seem to understand is that true beauty comes ONLY from within.  I reluctantly admit that my friend Amber is mostly right, 'pretty girls all have snakes in their heads,' or at least so it seems sometimes. (See my earlier blog 'On Snakes, Women, and other Reptiles . . .')  Notice I did say mostly, I do know of a few very beautiful ladies who are exceptions to this rule.  They also say beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.  Now I don't know about bones, but I do believe that ugly goes all the way to the heart, and discolors the soul.

Here is my idea of true beauty (I'm going to tell this story from a male perspective, but you ladies feel free to reverse the genders):  Picture the little old lady, and little old man who have been together seemingly forever.  You know, you've seen them before, in the café, in the mall . . .  Notice the way that he looks at her, adoringly.  He doesn't see the thin gray hair, the wrinkled face, the stooped shoulders, the liver spots on her hands.  I don't think he even sees the vision of what she looked like 50 years ago, physically beautiful though she may have been.  What I believe he sees is every time that she stood up beside him when no one else would.  Every time she helped him up when he stumbled and fell, even if he was wrong.  Every time she stayed with him when everyone told her she should leave.   Every time she showed the true backbone of womanhood, standing always with him, never against him.  That is true beauty. 

I am about to come to the conclusion that the amount of time a woman spends doing her make up and hair every morning is directly proportional to the amount of inner ugliness she is trying to hide from the world every day.  But the kind of ugliness they seem to be trying to hide, no amount of makeup or hair gel will ever be able to cover.  True beauty can come only from love, and the heart incapable of love can never know true beauty, no amount of make up can ever correct for that, nor can a $400.00 haircut.  The only cure for that type of inner ugliness is in fact cosmetic surgery, nothing less than a heart transplant.  Now before you start checking with your HMO for coverage and which surgeons are in your network, I can tell you how you can get this particular surgery for free, it's already been paid for.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  Ezekiel 36:26

Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ. 
2 Thessalonians 3:5

True beauty can come only from a pure, loving heart, and a pure loving heart can come only from Christ.  And if you'd like to meet this benefactor who paid the price for your transplant:

© 2007

 

We had the most wonderful hurricane come through here this week, no wind damage (here at least), no flying oak trees, and lots of good soaking rain that we desperately needed.  It had gotten so dry this summer that Baptists were sprinkling, Methodists were using a damp cloth, and Presbyterians were handing out rain checks.  The Catholics and Episcopalians were praying that the Lord would turn wine back into water.  Now that's getting pretty dry right there . . .

Some of the dear ladies of my church have started a new ministry.  They are going door to door through residential neighborhoods giving out packages of light bulbs.  Of course packaged in with the bulbs are some gospel tracts and literature about our church, so I guess it's kind of like a cross between Baptist and Jehovah's Witnesses, but over all it's a great idea and seems to be effective.  But it did get me to thinking which we all know is a dangerous thing by now, just how many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?  And the answer is: 

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
16,238,283.  But they will never all agree on whether it needs changing or not.

How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first they have to make sure no one will be offended by the change.

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
They're not sure, but they have several committees studying the issue.

How many members of the Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if anyone else tries to change it the light won't come on.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine.  One to change the bulb and eight to sell raffle tickets for the old bulb.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.  One to change the bulb and two to bind the spirit of darkness that caused it to burn out in the first place.

How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to change the bulb and ten to organize the fellowship supper that follows.

How many Free Will Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it's probably going to need to be changed again someday.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to change the bulb and the second to hand you some literature to read while they change it.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't change it, they lay hands on the old bulb and pray for it to be healed.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What is a light bulb?

How many Seventh Day Adventists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they'll never change it on a Saturday.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.  One to bless the bulb, one to change it, and one to pour the wine.

How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.  One to talk to the light bulb and two to pray that it heals itself from within.

How many Mormon missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to climb the ladder and one to ride his bike to the store and get the bulb.

How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
Eventually about five, but they can get along fine without it.

How many televangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
Any one of them, but they all need for you to continually send money to keep the bulbs burning.

How many true Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one.  When God guides you to do something, he provides whatever you need to accomplish His purpose.

If you'd like to have that kind of guidance and provision in your life, click:

© 2007

So did ya'll miss me?  I do know some of you did, and I appreciate all the emails saying how much you miss my blogs.  Excuse me while I wipe the tear of appreciation from my eye . . . 

I've been on hiatus for the past couple of weeks, taking a little summer break, but it's nice to be missed.  I did have an ex-wife tell me not long ago that she had discovered my blogs and that they PROVE that I'm crazy.  I agree with Billy Joel, "You may be right, I may be crazy" but at least *I'M* the good kind of crazy . . .  thousands of blog readers worldwide could be wrong, but I doubt it.  I also agree with Elvis, "Thank you, thank you very much."

A couple of weeks ago my friend Wendy sent me a myspace comment that said "You've been tagged....read my latest blog. :)" so I did, and it started like this:

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose up to 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' on their profile and tell them to read your latest blog.

and it went on to list 10 things about her that apparently she considers weird and/or random (could be read cute and/or endearing).  So anyways, here's my version:

1. I have the highest ACT score to ever come out of my high school. The school house burned down not long after that . . . . . . .  just kidding. It's still there and even though the ACT people dumbed down the test by 2 points a few years later, I STILL have the highest score ever to come out of my school.

2. I grew up on the "wrong side of the tracks," but in Itawamba County Mississippi it wasn't tracks, it was the Tombigbee River. And out of a two mile stretch of back woods country River Road on the wrong side of the river, the group of  about 15 kids I hung out with produced 2 MD's, 2 PhD's (myself included), and several prominent businessmen. If you'd like to purchase some of that Tombigbee River water send $19.95 (plus $5.00 shipping and handling) to . . . just kidding, it's free for the taking (for drinking, swimming, or baptizing), just take a genuine quart mason jar down to the river and dip it on in . . .

3. Each of my ex-wives at one time or another has called me a 'bull-in-a-china-shop' (or the generic equivalent), not for clumsiness, but for my "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude. Where I grew up you had to be something of a maverick to survive, so I rarely follow instructions as given.

4. In 1974 I was instrumental in building and exploding the only Hydrogen bomb ever to be exploded in an 8th grade science class (I'm not lying).

5. When we were growing up, my best good friend, Bubba (I'm still not lying), tried to kill me at least twice, once by running me over with a Ford tractor, another time by driving the dune buggy in which I was standing behind the seats with my head above the roll bar UNDER a barbed wire fence.

6. When I was in the 10th grade, I rolled a '73 Pontiac Ventura doing 130 mph. Both I and my passenger, another good friend, Goober (I'm still not lying), walked away with hardly a scratch. I can't say as much for the Ventura or the stretch of pavement where I rolled it.

7. I worked my way through undergrad engineering school doing heavy construction work. I have lot's of stories, including many near death experiences, both mine and other's. On one job I was on the top beam of the parking garage we were building when the guy next to me fell off and dropped 5 stories head first into a steel turnbuckle, and we had to run down and tackle him and hold him down until the ambulance got there. Talk about hard headed . . .

8. I've gone canoeing where I encountered alligators bigger than the canoe, I've gone surfing where I encountered tiger sharks twice bigger than the surfboard. Both were considered to be recreational.

9. I've heard lot's of people say they would put their lives on the line for their children, but I actually have. My son Clint, when he was 5 years old, was alone in my Jeep Grand Cherokee when he knocked it out of gear and started rolling backwards towards a steep 30 ft drop off. I couldn't get the door open in time to stop it, so we went over the edge together, Clint inside the truck and me hanging on the outside. The truck turned on its own to miss several large hickory trees and I ended up on the down hill side with the truck trying to turn over sideways on top of me. I managed to hold it off.

10. I KNOW God has a purpose for my life, because He's passed on so many opportunities to take me out!!! For those of you who seem to think that I keep falling in $..!+ and come out smelling like a rose, I'm sure there were some angels involved in several of the stories listed above, and someday I want to hear their versions!!

If you paid close attention to the last line of 3 above you should know that I don't do well following instructions, so I hereby tag EVERYONE who reads this.

And if you want to know how to invite angelic intervention into your own life, click

© 2007

Apparently I look like a terrorist. Last week I flew for the first time since 9/11, and just who do you suppose got singled out of the security line for an extra intensive search? And this was after taking off my belt and shoes, emptying my pockets, taking my laptop out of its case, and divesting myself of everything metal except the fillings in my teeth. But they eventually let me board the plane after confiscating only my toothpaste, I guess they just wanted me to go to my meetings with bad breath.

I told my department head that we could probably drive to Louisville, KY and back quicker and easier than we could fly anyway, especially if you count an hour for check in at Tupelo, an hour flight to Atlanta, a three hour layover in Atlanta, and an hour flight to Louisville (not to mention flight delays). But the company we were going to visit there was paying for everything and they wanted us to fly, I think just for the entertainment value of the stories we'd have to tell when we got there. Plus I was a little worried about flying, after all the Lord did say "Low I am with you always."

When you spend a total of 10 hours in the Atlanta airport over a period of two days, you see a lot of things, most memorably the female dean who was traveling with us pole dancing in the subway car between concourses. Then there was the young, obviously single mom with the baby on her hip. That's not funny in and of itself, but she was wearing a Trojans t-shirt. Or the drunk lady who kept missing her flights and going back to the bar to get drunk again. She said she really didn't mean to drink anything, but the only smoking lounge on that concourse had a two drink minimum. I'm betting she's still there, or in another airport bar somewhere still trying to figure out how to get to Erie, PA. But I guess my personal favorite was the very normal looking guy with the t-shirt that said "Normal People Scare Me." I think I need one of those.

We did get to eat pretty well. When we first got to the Atlanta airport Thursday morning though, the first restaurant we came across was called Au Bon Pain. I wasn't sure if that was some French phrase or a commentary on Tommy Tuberville's personality, but any place that has the word 'pain' in its name in any language is going to be far down on my list of places to eat, so I had a good breakfast at Checker's. That night though, our hosts took us out to a very fancy restaurant in Louisville, The Rivue, which has a rotating dining room atop the 25 story Galt House Hotel featuring a panoramic view of the Ohio River. The view was breathtaking, and for entertainment you could watch the faces of anyone who got up to go to the bathroom when they came back and couldn't find their table because it had rotated around the room. The waiters brought out appetizer trays of crab legs, shrimp, raw oysters, scallops, and their "soon to be world famous" crab cakes, assuring us all the while that their seafood was all caught fresh daily from the Ohio River. It was all great though, and they also make an excellent Fillet Mignon.

And even though our hosts, a company called Amitrol paid for everything, I just can't resist doing the credit card commercial:

..>..>

Airlineticket round trip to Louisville, KY	$495.00
HotelAccommodations	$120.00
Meals	$200.00(at least!!)
Blackmail photos of my dept. head and the dean	PRICELESS!!

With Independence Day approaching, it's a shame that we as Americans are nervous of flying for fear that some idiot is going to blow up the plane with his shoes. A few years back, that would have been a humorous line, but now it's really just sad. Just after 9/11/01 in a 9/13 appearance on The 700 Club, the Rev. Jerry Falwell made the statement:

"The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"  He later apologized for making the statement.

I think very highly of the Rev. Falwell, he did a lot of great work in his life, but he missed the boat on this one. It goes back to the old adage that when you point your finger at someone else, you have three more pointing back at yourself. Sure, all of the groups he mentioned have helped destroy the moral fiber of our once great nation over the past few decades and are still trying to de-Christianize and to secularize America, and 9/11 and hurricane Katrina may well be signs that God is withdrawing His protection from America for that very reason, but the bottom line is that we as Christians have allowed that to happen, and there is where the fault truly lies.

Ruth Bell Graham, the late wife of Dr. Billy Graham once said "If God doesn't judge America for her immorality, he will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah." And she's right.

God gave us the formula to fix these problems all the way back in the book of II Chronicles in the Old Testament, and this Independence Day I believe that it's high time we put that formula back into practice, and it's a very simple one:

If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. II Chronicles 7:14

Note that "My people who are called by My name" in this day and age are we Christians, not the ACLU or any of the other groups the Rev. Falwell mentioned.  I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July, but remember these statements this week, and especially as you go to the voting booths over the next few months. And don't forget to keep America in your prayers.

And if you've never declared your own independence from the bondage of Satan, what better time than Independence Day:

© 2007

A couple of weeks ago I posted a blog entitled Avoiding the Question which ended up talking about the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  My friend Todd commented that he "knew of a lady who truly felt she had the gift of 'condemnation'. It was her job within the body of Christ to rip people apart and tell them where they were screwing up. No kidding!" 

That of course got me to thinking, which we all know by now is dangerous, kind of like the time Dave wanted to see a hurricane.  He had just moved here from Oklahoma, had never seen a real hurricane, and desperately wanted to see one up close and personal.  So when the first hurricane hit the Gulf Coast that fall Dave called in well to work and headed south.  Dave never called in sick, if he was sick he'd come to work.  But from time to time he would call in well if he wanted a day off, and that's what he did on this particular occasion.  He got as far south as somewhere below Hattiesburg when a large oak tree that happened to be crossing the road at the time failed to yield the right of way, thus becoming entangled with the pickup Dave was driving.  I think it was about that time he decided that he'd now seen a hurricane about as up close and personal as he ever needed to, so he turned his damaged truck around and limped back north.  The next day he was on the phone explaining what happened to his insurance agent, and the agent said "I don't understand.  Did you hit the tree or did the tree hit you?"  To which Dave answered "Yes!!!! You've got it!!!"

Anyway, as I said in my last blog "whatever God creates and establishes, The Adversary counterfeits and corrupts," so since God through His Holy Spirit gives spiritual gifts, why shouldn't the Adversary give anti-spiritual gifts?  Over the past couple of days I have assembled what I am certain is only a partial list of these gifts and I am including that below.  I implore my faithful readers (all three of you) to add comments to this blog, either adding new anti-spiritual gifts I haven't thought of yet or expanding on the ones already listed.  The floor is now open . . .

Anti-Spiritual Gifts

Condemnation – Probably the most prevalent of the anti-spiritual gifts, it requires really good eyesight because it involves picking specks out of brothers' and sisters' eyes.

Contention – Closely related to the spiritual gift of apostleship because it causes a lot of new churches to be born.  Not through church planting as would come from an apostle though, but through church splitting.

Judgment – Many with this gift get drafted into major league baseball as pitchers, as it comes with a really good throwing arm for casting the first stone.

Superiority – My gift's better than your gift, My gift's better than yours . . .
My gift's better 'cause I'm Superior, My gift's better than yours. (sung to the tune of the Ken-L Ration tv commercial song)

Complacency – Wake me up when the sermon's over . . .

Apathy – I really should write something extremely witty about this anti-spiritual gift here, but then again I just really don't care.

Covetousness –  I really wish I had the gift of Judgment, at least major league baseball pitchers get paid really well.

Ignorance – Probably the most peaceful of all the anti-spiritual gifts, after all, they do say ignorance is bliss . . .

Procrastination – I'm going to write something extremely witty about this anti-spiritual gift when I get around to it.       

Laziness – Didn't you all say there was going to be a pot luck dinner after the church work day?  I'll be back after awhile . . .

Gossip – Did you hear about Sister Beulah? I hear she has the gift of gossip and if that don't beat all.  I really thought she had the gift of running-over-at-the-mouth, but did you see that dress she had on last Sunday?  My stars, if they gave a prize for best cottage cheese thighs at the dinner on the grounds she'd definitely take the cake.  And speaking of cake, did you see that atrocity that Sister Rita Mae tried to pass off as home cooked?  I swear, I saw that same cake at the Wal-Mart bakery Saturday night, and on the day old rack of all places.  And did you hear what the preacher's wife did last . . . Oh, hello Reverend!!! Wonderful sermon this morning!!!  I can't wait to hear what happens to those Israelites next!!  Anyway, where was I? Oh yes!!! Did you hear . . .

Negativity – If you find yourself saying things like "we've never done it THAT way before" or "this is never going to work" you probably have this anti-spiritual gift.  But then again, I doubt it.

On a more positive note, if you'd like to get to know Jesus up close and personal, click:

© 2007

And thanks to all of you who sent Father's Day comments, they are much appreciated.

I hope I didn't run all of the Methodists off last week, in general I do try to pick on all denominations equally, mainly because we all take ourselves too seriously most of the time. And in the end, it really doesn't matter where your church membership lies, the only thing that truly matters in life is that you have a committed, personal relationship with Christ Jesus as your Savior and as the Lord of your life.

I have a friend who as he was growing up went to the Baptist church with his dad while his mother and sister went to the Church of Christ. One day when he was about 12 years old, his mother brought home a couple of the good sisters of the Church of Christ to try to proselytize him (that's get him to convert to the Church of Christ for all of you Ole Miss alumni). After listening to them for a couple of hours he thought about it and finally said "No, I think I'll just go to hell with Daddy."

I do believe that when you get finished climbing to the top of the mountain of truth, you will find that the Baptists have been there all along, or at least pretty close. I grew up in a small, country, Missionary Baptist Church where my father was the pastor, and me being the rebellious, black sheep type didn't make his life easy either. I will say that of all the people whose lives I've been privileged to observe over the years, none is more committed and surrendered to the Lord than my father. That's probably the only thing that kept him from killing me several times down through the years, or at least disowning me. You know all of the bad things they say about preachers' kids? I'm the one they started saying them about in the first place.

But even Baptists take things too far sometimes. When I was growing up we had 12 commandments, the regular 10 everybody else has, plus two more. I'm not sure why, but I think it was because Anonymous Alcoholics have 12 steps in their program, so we needed to have 12 commandments in ours. And that is the 11th commandment by the way, Thou Shalt Not Drink Alcohol. Imagine if you will, the thunderous voice of God saying that to Charlton Heston. I've always heard that you should never take a Baptist fishing with you because he'll drink all your beer. Always take at least two Baptists, then neither will touch a drop. And unfortunately there is some truth to that statement. The 12th commandment is Thou Shalt Not Dance. This is why Baptists never have sex standing up, they are afraid it might lead to dancing. But again, I digress.

Generally when somebody writes something or gets up to speak, one of the most important statements they make is either their first line or their last line. Have you ever looked to see what topic could be so important that Almighty God our Father would choose it to end the Old Testament? The last line of the Old Testament, before 400 years of silence from God is

"Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet
Before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.
And he will turnThe hearts of the fathers to the children,
And the hearts of the children to their fathers,
Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse."
Malachi 4:5-6

Take notice that Malachi is quoting God directly there, and apparently God takes fatherhood seriously. So much so in fact that He represents His own relationship with us as a Father/child relationship. Notice also that is not a mother/child relationship nor even a parent/child relationship, but very specifically a Father/child relationship. Now motherhood is very important too, I love my mother and I encourage my own children to love their mother, even though I disagree with her much of the time. But as important as the mother/child relationship is, the father/child relationship is even more so, and that comes from more sources than just the scripture.

Dr. Warren Farrell (who among other distinctions is the only man ever to have been elected to the Board of Directors of the National Organization for Women in New York City THREE times) writes in his book Father and Child Reunion:

Recent research finds, though, that even when the father and mother had equal income, the children who were with their dad full-time did better than those with their moms full-time. This is true for both girl children and boy children.¹

And according to Dr. Farrell and all of the meticulous research he cites in this book, that includes all areas of life. Particularly notable are that both boys' and girls' scholastic ability and social adjustment are higher when living with dad, while juvenile crime and delinquency are much higher when living with mom. Sorry ladies, but that's the facts Jack. And our society gets it backwards, according to Dr. Farrell there are 5 times more households with single moms than with single dads. Now I know that there are some really great single moms out there turning out great, well adjusted children (and if you're one of them, more power to you), and there are also some real bums as fathers go, but statistically, Father Knows Best. And of course the overall best situation for children is to have both parents at home.

Have you ever noticed that whatever God creates and establishes, The Adversary counterfeits and corrupts? Almighty God wants us to worship Him as our Father, but The Adversary established worship of the mother goddess and child in ancient Babel (the precursor of ancient Babylon) through the persons of Semiramis, the queen of heaven and her son Tammuz (see my blog Celebrate Easter? for more details). It was this very practice among others that caused Israel to be taken away captive as punishment in the Old Testament.

Do you not see what they do in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem? The children gather wood, the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead dough, to make cakes for the queen of heaven; and they pour out drink offerings to other gods, that they may provoke Me to anger.
Jeremiah 7:17-18

And He said to me, "Turn again, and you will see greater abominations that they are doing." So He brought me to the door of the north gate of the LORD's house; and to my dismay, women were sitting there weeping for Tammuz.
Ezekiel 8:13-14

It is also this mystery religion of ancient Babylon that the Apostle John describes as a whore in Revelation 17, so it is still prevalent today. The Bible is very clear though, that we are to worship God the Father, and that the only way to get to Him is through Jesus.

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
John 14:6

For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus
1 Timothy 2:5

So come to the Father through Jesus the Son, and give Him the glory, great things He has done. Amen.²

I can't think of a better time to start than Father's Day:






¹Father and Child Reunion, Warren Farrell, Ph.D., Tarcher Putnam, 2001, page 42.
²To God Be the Glory, Fanny J. Crosby, 1875.

© 2007

People keep asking me if I am a preacher, a question to which I rarely give a straight answer.  I kind of learned that trick from another Ph.D. friend of mine, Ray.  Ray and Dave and myself used to eat lunch together in the college cafeteria most days, which was always an experiment in bravery as they boldly serve all you dare to eat.

Now you might wonder what three Ph.D.'s (the other two were chemists, myself an electrical engineer) might talk about at lunch, many did and would join us on occasion to try and find out.  A cheap, renewable energy source? Rarely.  A solution to the middle east problem? Occasionally.  Whether bacteria could attach themselves to a french fry Dave dropped on the floor in less than 5 seconds?  Fairly often actually.  Dave made that claim on numerous occasions, that if you dropped food on the floor and picked it up in less than 5 seconds, bacteria didn't have time to leap onto it.  We called it the 5 second rule.

Now Ray has a son about the same age as my son Bill (his hair's growing back now by the way, he said it took him 45 minutes to shave it and apparently being a maverick is just not worth quite that much effort), and we two dads co-led a cub scout den for several years when the boys were younger.  We met weekly in Ray's chemistry lab, and if the boys were really good throughout the meeting we'd let them blow things up in the lab after we were done.  Talk about a great way to keep young boys' attention . . .

Once a month we'd meet with other dens in the basement of the First Methodist Church, and each month one den would be selected to put on a program for entertainment.  When it came our turn, we brought some of our better chemistry experiments in, and very quickly proceeded to set fire to the Methodist Church, probably the closest thing that church has seen to the Holy Spirit in forty years or more.  We figured it only fitting though, since their symbol is a cross with a flame behind it.

Most mornings around 8:00 you can find me at the Tiger Den Coffee Club, another place where great minds congregate to solve all of the world's problems, like how much salt can you put in someone's coffee when they're not looking before they can taste it.  We typically have bankers, lawyers, judges, businessmen, etc. you know, all the local riff raff, and surprisingly mostly Methodists.  One morning a retired football coach and a pharmacist (both Methodists) were having a friendly argument about a particular verse of scripture they had studied in Sunday School the day before.  After listening to them for what seemed like forever, I finally said "Coach, I've got my Bible out in the truck, I'll go get it and you can look it up if you want to.  But I have to warn you, it's a Baptist Study Edition, probably too sharp of a sword for a Methodist to handle."  The Methodist business man sitting next to me then asked if I was a preacher, and when I affirmed it in a roundabout way he flipped me a bird and told me to kiss his ass.  I asked his buddy across the table if he talked to Methodist preachers that way, and he said "Yeah, he does that to everybody."  So I've learned to avoid the question.

And I don't really mean to pick on Methodists so much today, after all, they are Junior Varsity Baptists.  Plus the Lord has a special love for Methodists, He does say through Paul that the dead in Christ shall rise first!  But I digress.

But I do have the answer to that question now, and actually only found it out a few months ago myself.  I am technically (among other things) an ordained and licensed Baptist minister, and though I do preach on occasion I am not what people typically would call a preacher.  I'm much worse than that.  I'm a prophet.

Now before you all start writing and asking me what next week's lotto numbers are, I don't know, and if I did know I would be playing them myself, I wouldn't be giving them to you.  Prophets can't tell the future, and one sure way to tell a false prophet in this day and age is that they claim to be able to tell the future, especially if they do so separate from the Bible.  The prophets in the Bible couldn't tell the future themselves either, but God on occasion chose to reveal it to them.  The best definition of prophecy I've seen is:

The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to receive and communicate an immediate message of God to His people with authority and urgency perceived by the hearers.

In other words, the ability to apply spiritual truth to particular situations.  It is one of many spiritual gifts discussed in the Bible, and everyone who is a true Christian has at least one of these gifts.  There are several partial lists of the spiritual gifts in the Bible, including Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12, 1 Corinthians 14, and Ephesians 4.  The Holy Spirit gives each of us these gifts and intends for us to USE THEM for God's honor and glory.  The Lord doesn't want bench warmers or pew warmers, He wants us to be spiritual warriors fighting the spiritual battle on a DAILY basis.  We are NOT to leave the work of the Lord up to the preachers, but each one of us is to develop and use our own spiritual gifts in ministering and serving the Lord. 

As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 1 Peter 4:10

Now, there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in EVERYONE. 1 Corinthians 12:4-6 (emphasis mine)

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:6-7.

By "stir up" he means in the same manner you would stoke up a fire to get it to burn brighter and hotter, much like Ray and I did in the basement of the Methodist Church that night.  So which spiritual gift do you have?  One clue is that it will be something that comes as natural to you as breathing.  There are several websites that discuss the spiritual gifts in detail, and have tests you can take to help determine which gift(s) you possess.  My favorite of these is  Gifted 2 Serve.

The test on this site is much more comprehensive and covers more spiritual gifts than the one shown in the graphic on my myspace page.   My own results from this test are:  

I realize that I scored very highly across the board on this test, don't feel badly if you don't, more commonly people will have one particular gift that stands out above the rest.  I feel that I scored the way I did because the Lord has called me to a specific purpose, and has equipped me to perform that purpose.  It is through no merit of my own, and I am very soberly aware that Jesus Himself said

For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more. Luke 12:48

What is He asking of you?  And if you don't already have a personal relationship with Him to seek to know His will for your life, click

© 2007

I hope my Memorial Day blog didn't offend everyone, it was all meant in good fun.  I am a pretty good cook actually, even if I do say so myself.  I like Mexican food a lot, so I tend to spice things up when I cook.  Before Dave died we were working together to create jalapeno flavored ice cream, but since he's gone I haven't had the heart to follow up on it yet.

Some friends of mine saw an enchilada dish that I made for a church social recently, and asked what the black specks on top were.  I proudly told them those were frijoles negros, which are Mexican cockroaches that I have imported specially from Guadalajara to give it that authentic Mexican flavor.  They proceeded to tell me that frijoles negros are actually black beans, and that you can buy them here in Booneville at the Piggly Wiggly.  Those crafty Mexicans, what will they think of next?

I had dinner this past Friday with a vegetarian.  As I wasn't very familiar with the restaurants in her area and wasn't sure what she would eat, I asked her to choose the restaurant and she chose The Bonefish Grill.  I told her that sounded more graphic than my Memorial Day blog.  But it was good.  And spicy.  And I learned to eat with chop sticks.  We discussed being a vegetarian and eating different things and that got me to thinking which we all know by now is dangerous, kind of like when I squeezed a piece of spicy shrimp too hard with my chopsticks and shot it across the table at her.

Actually, in God's original creation everything was herbivorous, including man.

And God said, "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food.
Genesis 1:29

This directive didn't change when man sinned and brought the curse upon the earth, though God did slay animals to make clothing for Adam and Eve.  I can hear Adam now: "Honey, does this leopard skin tie go with my tiger skin blazer?"  It was only after the flood that God told Noah

And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs. But you shall not eat flesh with its life, that is, its blood.
Genesis 9:2-4

I believe that the antediluvian world (that's pre-flood for those of you who are Ole Miss graduates) was a much different place than what we see now, and in that environment our bodies needed only plant matter to sustain them.  But apparently God knew that we would need more protein in the postdiluvian era; even my vegetarian friend reluctantly includes fish and seafood in her diet for health reasons.

After God used Moses to call the Children of Israel out of Egypt, He changed the diet plan again.

"Speak to the children of Israel, saying, 'These are the animals which you may eat among all the animals that are on the earth: Among the animals, whatever divides the hoof, having cloven hooves and chewing the cud—that you may eat.
Leviticus 11:2-3

And the rest of that chapter gives details on which fish, birds, and insects are edible, and yes, it does say insects, but it doesn't appear to include Mexican cockroaches, only crickets, grasshoppers, and locusts (yum!).

The most recent eating directive God gave us was to the Apostle Peter through a dream

and saw heaven opened and an object like a great sheet bound at the four corners, descending to him and let down to the earth. In it were all kinds of four-footed animals of the earth, wild beasts, creeping things, and birds of the air. And a voice came to him, "Rise, Peter; kill and eat." But Peter said, "Not so, Lord! For I have never eaten anything common or unclean." And a voice spoke to him again the second time, "What God has cleansed you must not call common." This was done three times. And the object was taken up into heaven again.
Acts 10:10-16

I've often wondered if maybe Peter just had a bad case of indigestion from eating at the Jerusalem Kosher Delicatessen when he dreamed that dream, but it did make it into scripture, so it must be ok.

I also believe that in the eternal New Earth that God is going to resurrect for us, we will no longer slaughter animals for food.

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb,
The leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
The calf and the young lion and the fatling together;
And a little child shall lead them.
The cow and the bear shall graze;
Their young ones shall lie down together;
And the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole,
And the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper's den.
They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain,
For the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD
As the waters cover the sea.
Isaiah 11:6-9 (one of my favorite poets)

Perhaps that is because God is going to restore the Earth to antediluvian Garden of Eden conditions again, though He is awesome enough I'm sure He could also create a way to have prime rib and filet mignon (or the grouper I had at The Bonefish Grill) without having to slaughter animals to get them.  I don't know, if you're a vegetarian, maybe you're just ahead of your time. 

I also believe that God is the most awesome chef ever, and I can't wait to see what He has prepared for us at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.  If you haven't made your reservations for that one yet, click

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© 2007

Happy Memorial Day!!!

A day to remember those patriots who sacrificed their lives for our great country by drinking beer and eating barbeque!!  Actually I don't drink beer, but I do like barbeque so I guess I'm only half celebrating.

I learned something new this week, it's easier to cut through meat sometimes than fat.  I was preparing (in preparation for Memorial Day of course) a roast beast brisket.  I'm not sure exactly what kind of beast it was as the 18 wheeler that hit it left it pretty mangled, but the brisket at least was still intact. It definitely had hooves, so I think it's either a large deer or a small horse (how's that for a galloping gourmet?).

Now I know that some people turn up their noses at road kill, but if you get it while it's fresh it's better quality meat than that at the supermarket, plus it comes pre-tenderized!  Or so I thought.  Anyway, I'm trying to cut up this brisket of beast to fit in my crock pot, the meat part I cut through easily enough, but then I get to the fat.  After dulling three of those knives that are supposed to be able to cut through a steel I-beam and then still slice a tomato so thin that you can read my latest blog entry through it and breaking the handle out of my wood splitting maul, I finally opted for the chain saw.

Now if you ever have the opportunity to cut up a brisket of beast on your kitchen countertop with a chainsaw, don't, I tried it and I don't think you would like it.  Oh, I got the brisket cut up alright, but I made a blood spatter pattern across my kitchen ceiling and walls that I doubt any of the CSI folks have ever seen the likes of before, and there are millions of tiny globulets of fat stuck in between the cooling coils on the back of my refrigerator.  Oh well, at least it will keep the cat busy for awhile.

Anyway, I did get it into the crock pot, and it turned out quite good if I do say so myself.  Plus I slow cooked it for five hours which gave me time to paint over the blood spatters in the kitchen while I was waiting.  Anyone want to join me for a Memorial Day feast of roast brisket of beast?

However we choose to celebrate the three day weekend that usher's in summer, let us always remember the sacrifice of those who gave their lives that we my enjoy it in freedom.  Jesus Himself said:

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.
John 15:13 NKJV

And He certainly showed that level of love for us by His own example.  Let us also remember always that the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan are but a part of a larger war that we all are (or at least should be) fighting on a daily basis.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Ephesians 6:12 KJV

There is a spiritual war going on, and we each are called to stand up, put on our armor, and get into the fight. We don't need pew warmers, we need warrior princes and princesses to go out and fight this war on a daily basis.  Expanding a bit, that passage from Ephesians reads:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.  Ephesians 6:10-20 KJV

As Paul asks of you, so do I.  Remember our fallen brothers and sisters and their families.  Pray for those now risking their lives to fight for us in Iraq and Afghanistan and their families.  Pray also for our brothers and sisters in China and the Sudan who are sacrificing their lives for their faith.  Pray also for me, then don your armor and join me in the fight.

And if you've never given your heart to Jesus as your Lord and Savior, if you've never acquired the helmet of salvation here's your chance.  Someday you'll get to exchange it for a crown of righteousness.

© 2007