things that are pissing me off:

1) those stupid "axe bodyspray" ads..ugggh. i really really hate those. i just wanna stab the guy who wrote those in the eye with his own pen- lol

2) everytime i turn on the radio in my car they are playing that "black betty" song. i liked the first couple hundred times  i heard it- now it's f-ing annoying!

3) no matter what time you go to walmart there's only 4 people working. i try to hunt one of them down to ask about a belt for a vacuum cleaner and it's like pulling teeth.

4) i'm at a red light and the car next to me is making my ears bleed with all that bass and rap music playing. you can listen to whatever music you want; that doesnt mean i have to listen to it. maybe i should blast some slayer and give you a taste of your own medicine.

5) green light means GO DUMBASS GO....!

6) anyone who hurts animals needs to be behind bars. i dont care if you are a football player. you are a loser and you should be in jail. sicko. jerkoff.

7) and that goes for anyone who hurts kids too.

8) if your in a public place with limited seating dont be an ass and act like you own 3 or 4 chairs. unless you are morbidly obease stop being a douche and let me sit down.

9) humanity as a whole sometimes pisses me off(or maybe its just the area i live in) people can be so rude. so obnoxious. there are people out there who get off on trying to piss other people off. they feed off of other peoples energy. psychic vampires can really ruin a good day.

10) i no longer find insomnia "cute" or "inspiring"..it really sucks and leaves bags under the eyes. oh yeah, thats sexy.......not.

things that are making me happy:

1) Incubus is coming soon. I am so there.

2) I've got some money in my pocket: cant be mad @ that..!

3) wrote some new lyrics

4) got that nifty little amulet off of ebay

5) my boss isnt being a dick (knock on wood-repeat)

6) i get to sleep in the morning..oh yeaaaaah *yawn*

7) my house is clean..wow..check it out..!

8) i'm having a good hair day (yes that was random..lol)

9) i dont have a bedtime tonight..woot woot

10) and last but not least: for the next 42 some odd hours i can be free to do whatever i want. be afraid, be very afraid

It's going down tonight in this town

Cause they stare and growl

They all stare and growl

I take a scar every time I cry

Cause it ain't my style no it ain't my style

Going down to the gravel head to the barrel

Take this life and end this struggle

Los Angeles come scam me please

Emptiness never sleeps at Cliftons 6 am

With your bag lady friend and your mind descending

Stripped of the right to be a human in control

It's warmer in hell so down we go

They say this is the city

The city of angels

All I see is dead wings

[x2]

It's a ghost town rabid underworld

Dionysian night vitriolic twilight

A mirage comes up it never ends

Once you get burnt you're never the same

Left behind erased from time

Ain't no decency in being boxed up alive

Look around ain't no R.I.P. signs here

We don't rest in peace

We just disappear

So here we are Los Angeles

No angels singing in your valley of unease

I watch the sun roll down the pacific

Over hookered sunset strip

They say this is the city

The city of angels

All I see is dead wings

[x2]

There's a black moon tonight

Ain't shining down on the western neon lights

[x2]

They say this is the city

The city of angels

All I see is dead wings

[x4]

ill start off by saying: FUCK YOU to my heart. you whining little piece of shit thing. you don't work when your suppose to- you never listen to a fucking word i say. you are selfish,childish, and the bane of my existence. you are cruel, and cold. what the hell happened to you? my heart does not believe in "love" just speaking or thinking the word sends me into a fit a laughter. love is a joke. i went to visit ray's grave last weekend. felt like i was three years old all over again. sat down under his tombstone. touched it. drew a heart in the dirt. cried like a baby when i knew no one was watching. whispered things to him. things that i am afraid of. i got up and walked around the rest of the cemetery. it started to mist. i wanted it to pour down raining but it didn't. maybe ray was crying too..? my mother's birthday came and went. tried to make it special for her. why do i always try to make everyone around me happy? like it's my job- anyway i took her out, and blew a shit load of cash. it was worth it. wrote a new song. don't know where the lyrics came from, they just kind of fell out of my pen and onto the paper. got off work late as hell today, stopped by the craft store- felt like making some more necklaces. i gotta finish that shirt too. god, what would i do without art? i would explode still trying to find a new place to live. this guy told me i couldn't find anyplace in conyers for under $700 a month. i wish i knew were that guy lived so i could go burn his fucking house down. walk a mile in my shoes you dickhead. he doesn't know my story. he doesn't care. so it really doesn't matter i guess, ill just keep looking. courtney brought caleb over today. aww fat babies make me happy. i like babies. i like other people's babies because you can love them and then send them back home to their parents when your done. see there goes my black heart again. i keep playing 'sex and violence' over and over again.  do my bidding: you will listen to the exploited and then you will send me all your filthy $$ so i wont be homeless by christmas. dont be a douche

xx

once upon a time there were
three sisters named anger, fury, and rage.
one day they all decided to have
a contest to see who carried
the most evil inside.
"i'll go first" anger said
(anger was always first)and off she went.
yelling and screaming
and cursing the stars until
they fell from the sky.
"your such a pussy" fury said
and pushed anger out of the way.

"you wanna see evil,
i'll show you some evil!"
and so off fury went.
fury was on a murderous rampage.
killing everything in sight without remorse.
laughing gleefully along the way.
setting fires. inflicting plagues.
desecrating anything holy
and sacred to anyone.
the angels had to look away.

yeah she did some damage.
then she got tired and
went back to her sisters.
"alright rage" fury said out of breath,
"show us what you got"
but rage just stood there.
totally calm. silent.
"well, what the hell are you waiting for?
chop chop!!" fury snapped.
rage gazed over at her sister
with a sweet smile and said,
"my sister, don't you see;
i've already done my part.."

fury and anger looked at
each other confused.
"i made both of you do
whatever i wanted." rage said
"i made you kill all those people,
and do all those terrible things
because it makes me happy"
"i am the force unseen but felt..
and both of you are my toys"

i don't need your damned disease.

i don't believe a false truth.
i'd rather be sober and wide awake
feeling the sting of it all.
at least i can take it.
i don't need comfort.
drugs are for pussies
that are to afraid to feel.
drunk crybabies. mary jane shit for brains.
nothing. nobody. whores.

congratulations,
you are the definition of "a sell out"..
but no one wants to buy you.
your damaged goods.
a spoiled waste of cum that thinks
everyone owes them something.
hey sleeping beauty; wake the fuck up.
lights on. clogged toilet. bloodied panties.

you cant wash off memories.
it's never coming back.
the hardest thing you'll ever have to admit
is how easily you gave in.
to weak to die. to scared to live.
somewhere smelly in the middle.
the stench of your pathetic existence
floating around infecting everything.
but what ignites is soon to burn out.

im looking forward to stomping
on those ambers and watching
you become nothing more
than a pile of dead ash.

dust to dust.

someone knocked on my door this morning. i heard three loud knocks, and when i opened my eyes, my door was wide open, and my cat was in the hallway looking at me like "wtf..?" strange..because no one was around when the knocks happened. maybe it was a dream.. but i dont think it was.and even if it was a dream how to you explain the open door? i lock my door every night before i crash..so how does a door unlock itself, and then open..weird...oh well whatever, just thought i'd like to write that down so ill remember - hmm, lets see- what else happend today. my father called me, asked me to drive him back to where he's living. that was one miserable ride. i have so many things id like to say to my father. and most of it is comments about him being a liar, and an asshole, and an addict. that he is the reason why i'm going through some extra hell at the moment. i dont stay fixed on the anger for very long, its only when i am around him. it reminds me of everything he is never gonna be. and so i look at him, and think to myself "half of him is inside of me"..sometimes that thought makes my skin crawl.

sometimes it makes me want to burn or cut my skin off. morbid..yes..i know, but im being honest. my father is one big lie. why cant he just tell me the truth? like i cant handle it.. like it would hurt me. i dont think he knows how much pain i feel inside. i am damn near numb at this point. so all of this is going on and floating in the air, but the car ride was silent all except for the hip hop music he insisted on blasting all the way to his house. i just realized i have nothing in common with this man. except for some dna and a last name. fuck.

when i was 4 years old my dad sat me on his knee and taught me how to play drums. that is his only legacy that is my only semi happy normal memory

sunday night we went back to the fair (as promised) even though i knew i would catch hell becuase i had to go to work a few hours afterwards. but i had fun anyway. scew it. you only live once (right..?) i got brave. i decided to get over my fear of heights and go on the fairis wheel. holy shit. to anyone that knows me, that is just mind blowing. oh the first 20 seconds of the ride was pure hell. i was terrified. my knuckles were white from grabbing the damn saftey bar to tight (like a little safety bar is gonna stop me from plunging to my death..) between the "our father" prayer i was muttering i must have opened up my eyes and told my self to breathe. and then in my mind i said to myself "its beautiful up here"

the sun was going down, and all the lights were on..everything was glittering, and the wind was softly blowing. and thats when the panic went away. i began to swing my feet outside the cart. i began laughing  like a mad woman. and rosa thought i had lost it. i put my arm around her and laughed some more.

went on the other (now completely boaring) rides that made me dizzy and ready to puke. hugged everyone. went home and crashed. got up 4 hours later and went to work.