Okay, so I've been thinking lately. Here's my question: why are people so eager to downplay exceptional performances and instead believe that cheating is involved?

I have three examples of what I'm talking about, all of which apply to me, but I'm sure this happens to lots of people all the time.

Numero Uno: I like to play this stupid quick online game when I need to waste some time. If you ever played Bomberman on Nintendo, it's basically an online version of that. The games usually only last a couple minutes, and you're playing against up to 7 people at a time. Well, I am pretty dang good at it--partly because I waste a little TOO much time playing it--but that's for another blog! Haha. But anyway, one time I was totally dominating everyone I was playing, and I won something crazy like 15 games in a row. Usually people leave when they're getting beat over and over like that, but somebody stayed and started saying I was cheating...because whenever someone is kicking ass, they just HAVE to be cheating. 

Numero Dos: I took a typing test on Facebook yesterday. If you know anything about me at all, you know that I'm probably the fastest typist you know. I'm not saying that to be full of myself, I'm just telling it like it is. It's because I play piano and I'm a computer nerd. That just screams "fast typist." Anyway, I dominated it. I typed 128 words per minute for 2 minutes straight, and didn't have a single error. First try. The test tells me I'm faster than 99.74% of people who have taken the test.

I was intrigued so I started reading some of the comments people have written about the app. Basically, I read comments from people wondering how anybody can type faster than 120 words per minute with no errors. They weren't referring to me--they were referring to other tests where people had gotten really good scores similar to mine with no errors. They were claiming that people with scores like that are using computer programs to cheat in the test. Well, I didn't!

Numero Tres: When I was in college, I was required to take a web design class. Interesting class, but to be honest, I knew almost everything in it before I took the class. It was kind of a snoozefest for me. Certainly not the professor's fault--I probably should have challenged the class. Anyway, for our final projects we were asked to create a website. The website had to be coded by hand in HTML. No problem, I thought (masochistically), because I love coding in HTML by hand. Seriously, though, I do love it. It's fun. So I spent the last few weeks in the term coding it by hand and turned it in when it was due. When i got an e-mail from the professor back with my final grade, he noted that it appeared I had used Dreamweaver to create my website, but that was okay anyway.

I didn't use Dreamweaver--my code was just perfect, so perfect that it appeared it had been generated by professional web development software. I even replied to my professor and told him that, and that's exactly what he said--it was perfect. With that said, I didn't get as good a grade as I had hoped on the project. I certainly don't blame my grade entirely on that situation because my website had other design-related problems, but I get the feeling that he never seriously believed that I coded it by hand. But I truly did code it by hand.

So...

What's the deal? Why do people automatically assume that you're cheating if you do something exceptionally well? Honestly, I believe it's this kind of treatment that causes people to underachieve. Why bother doing your best work if you know you're going to get accused of cheating just because you're capable of great things?

I don't want to sound all high and mighty here. This is not a Doug brag-fest. There are some aspects of life I dominate and some things I absolutely suck at too. I'm just saying we're all really, really good at something--how would you feel if you were accused of cheating at one of those "somethings" that you are good at?

2008, you were one hell of a year. I can't believe you're almost over.

You sent me on the rollercoaster ride of my life.

You were such a bipolar, bittersweet year. You waited for just the wrong moment. You teased me with hints of joy that slowly built up, then suddenly ripped me down, beat the shit out of me, and forced me to pick myself back up 12 hours later.

You really tried to take me down. You really tried. But you didn't succeed. Nothing ever can. My will is too strong and my family is too close. You only made me stronger.

You helped me realize the things that really matter. You reminded me to treat every moment as if it were my last.

You made me more confident.

2008, I don't know whether to tell you I'll miss you, or good riddance.

 

Here's to 2009, 2010, and beyond.

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm not trying to sound like an overconfident asshole here, this is just how my mind operates.

Does anyone else hate it when someone has their facts wrong but you can't do anything about it?

I'm not talking about opinion stuff like politics or people's personal views and beliefs. I totally respect people's differences there. I'm talking about cold hard facts.

If some TV show said on the air that 2 + 2 = 5, it would seriously bother me. For a more realistic example, I've heard basketball broadcasters spout out incorrect facts about winning streaks, team records, game clock times, and stuff. Whenever I hear this stuff it strongly bothers me.

It's because I know that somewhere out there someone will hear that and have incorrect factual knowledge imprinted in their minds from that moment forth. That thought tears me apart. It makes me want to puke.

It really scares me. In this age, with the Internet, there is so much information available. And people soak it up like a sponge (sorry for using a cliché). If someone throws an inaccurate fact out there, there's a good chance that people will believe it without questioning anything. This thought REALLY scares me. Hell, even "accepted" sources like TV, newspaper, etc. scare me enough with some of their irresponsible pseudo-facts.

I (probably annoyingly) try to correct people's mistaken facts (and ONLY facts--not beliefs, only facts) whenever I get the chance, but it just bugs me that the facts were learned wrong in the first place.

Am I going insane, or am I on to something here? Am I sounding like a total dick? Tell me! I'm open to opinions.

P.S. Is there even such thing as a fact? Or is that going way too deep?

P.P.S. I used the word "fact" way too much in this blog. It's gotten to the point that I keep thinking it's spelled wrong when I look at it. The coolest feeling in the world. BTW, that's opinion, not fact. ;)

So in college, one of my professors said that we should eat well and take care of our bodies and all that fun stuff, because we'll get out of shape once we've got jobs where we basically sit all day. When he said that, I just thought to myself, "Whatever..." I didn't really believe it because I've never been able to gain weight.

He was actually kinda right. As you may or may not know, I'm working at a job where I spend the majority of my time sitting in front of a computer (though I do try to take breaks whenever I get a chance). Well, amazingly enough, since I started the job after I graduated, I've gained about 25 pounds! I'm not getting fat or anything (hell, I actually needed the extra pounds anyway), but I have never been able to gain weight in the past and now I suddenly have the amazing ability to gain weight. I can only imagine what I would be like right now if I didn't have such great metabolism--so I consider myself lucky :)

I never realized how active I actually was up until this point. I walked everywhere I could, and I was never sitting down for longer than an hour or two. Now, I find myself driving a lot (ain't no way I'm walking out to Island City to work!!) and sitting down for hours at a time. It's interesting how we take for granted the exercise we get just by walking around.

I'm going to try to start walking more often now, just for fun. I used to walk for fun a lot, but then some things in my life changed, and I haven't been able to. I think part of my reluctance stems from my memories. They are good memories, but it's hard to deal with knowing that they are only memories now. It's just a really weird feeling. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. As I walk I'm reminded of all the good times we had, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. The more I walk the more I will be able to handle it, I think. But anyway, it's fun and relaxing to walk, and I should start doing it before winter comes, because then I won't be able to. This is my vow. ;)

I hate politics. No, seriously. I HATE politics.

It's just a bunch of stupid assholes who think they are more important than everyone else. They think they're above the law. They waste so much time arguing with each other over stupid shit. They're so closed-minded in favor of their own beliefs. And yes, I'm talking about every side when I say that.

With that said, I guess we need them. Who knows where our country would be right now without them? The differing sides keep our country in check, I guess. Or something. But politics still suck, regardless.

I'm sick of turning on the TV/web browser and seeing Obama vs. McCain. I'm sick of seeing Jeff Merkley vs. Gordon Smith. I'm sick of hearing criticism of vice presidential candidate choices. I'm sick of seeing the national conventions. I'm sick of hearing people complain about how (insert candidate name here) isn't fit to run our country because (insert mindless reason here). I'm sick of these groups paying for disparaging ads about a candidate they are against. That's just slimy to do to another human being.

Don't even get me started on fools like Rush Limbaugh, who will say whatever they have to, whether it's true or not, just to bash the other side. I'm sure there are radio shows that are just as brainlessly in favor of the other sides too, so don't get me wrong, I'm not solely bashing Republicans here. The Democrats (and others) are just as guilty.

I wish people could just be respectful to each other. I'm all for people having different opinions, I just hate the slimeball tactics. I guess it goes with the territory. Just get over with, you stupid election. I HATE POLITICS!!!!!

So...I can't believe it, the term is almost over :) I officially finished being a math tutor at 10 am this morning! Tomorrow I will attend my final regular class.

I've been working on final projects since last weekend. I have finished two of my final projects a week before they're due, and I'm pretty damn proud of them. Especially the one for my web architecture class, which is a web page for course evaluations. It does all sorts of fun stuff, like keeping track of a user's session and putting the data into a database. Fun!

I worked on that page nonstop. When something was broken on it, I couldn't just go away from it...I had to fix it. I could barely eat because I couldn't stop thinking about fixing it. It's almost ridiculous. That's the life of a CS major. When I have a problem, I have to sit down and solve it. Otherwise it tears me apart.

Ignore the next paragraph if you hate math and/or computer science.

So...right now, I just have to do a bunch of math problems that require some fun shit like partial derivatives and Hessian matrices, and finish my capstone (which mostly just means writing up stuff now), and then I'm DONE! My capstone is working--I used it this week to compute the eigenvalues and eigenvectors of a 40,000 by 40,000 matrix. It took a cluster of 25 computers, each with 2 GB of RAM, totally maxed out, to do it! It took a couple hours just to load the data into memory (a 25 GB input file), and then it took 5 hours to do the computations! Wicked. If you're a nerd, you may be wondering why I needed 50 GB of memory to hold 25 GB of data. Well, once the matrix is in memory, it only uses a total of about 12 GB of memory, but then I need another 12 GB of memory to store the computed eigenvectors, so that uses up about 24 GB, and the other 26-ish GB of it is scratch space used by the algorithm. Whew!

Oh yeah, in case you didn't notice, I cut off all my hair last week. It was probably about a foot and a half long. Rad. ;)

Okay. So here's what's going on.

I've been hard at work on my capstone project. It's a computer program that uses a whole bunch of computers hooked together (called a cluster) to calculate the eigenvalues and eigenvectors of huge symmetric matrices. It's gonna be used to calculate the vibrational frequency of bonds in molecules. I've been working on this project for about a year and a half now, on and off. Exciting, huh? Linear algebra actually DOES have real world applications. Never woulda thunk it. ;) If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, just ignore this paragraph. To be completely honest, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about anyway. ;)

Speaking of math, for some strange reason, I decided to take a 400-level math class this term. For fun. I've been done with my math minor since the fall term, but that didn't stop me from taking math in my winter and spring terms. I still haven't gotten less than an A in a math class. Ever. That goes all the way back to middle school or whenever I started getting letter grades. And now I'm taking math classes for fun. WTF is wrong with me?

As for after graduation...I have no idea what I'm doing. It's kind of scary. Last summer I worked part time at a place in Island City doing some Linux programming, but I haven't been able to go there much during the school year because I get busy with homework and tutoring and stuff. Not to mention I've been sick so much this year. It's really fun when I'm able to go. I'm hoping that I can work there this summer, but I don't know if they want me to or not. I'm kind of in this uncertain state right now. I really don't like being unsure of what I'll be doing. But...whatever happens, happens!

That's all for now...I graduate in less than a month. Isn't it great? Hasta la bye bye!

I have a couple of things to write about. First of all I must share what's been going on the past week.

Last Tuesday I woke up all screwed up. I could barely hear out of my left ear, and there was this horrible constant ringing sound. I had no idea why, but it was terrible...especially since my left ear is my dominant ear. Ringing in the ear is what people refer to as tinnitus. It is the most depressing problem ever...seriously, you have no idea how horrible it is to be stuck with it 24/7 until you experience it--especially if you're a musical person like me. It makes it hard to sleep, hard to concentrate, hard to listen, and everything else. There is a statistical correlation between tinnitus and depression, or so I've read. I'm not surprised to find that out. So, anyway, I tried to figure out...HOW did this happen?!?!?

I remembered that I had left my iPod earbuds in my ears that night, listening to Les Miserables. I also remembered waking up in the middle of the night with one earbud in, and taking it out and going back to sleep. But...I don't listen to music in my iPod really loud. And I mean it's Les Mis...not Metallica. The weird part was that the battery was totally drained. I only had it set to listen to Les Mis, so it would shut off afterward--and there's plenty of battery life to listen to the entire Les Mis performance. (lol, I typed performacne on accident there at first...perform-acne? some sick kind of art?)

So anyway, something must have drained it, or maybe my battery was already low and I just don't remember it. But my first thought was..."Oh shit, the thing froze up and blared a loud sound into my ear all night long until the battery ran out. My hearing is fucked over for life." The thought of having permanent hearing loss really scared (and still scares) me. I found it impossible to enjoy music with my problem. That makes Beethoven's deafness situation even more impressive, but that's another topic...

As for my story, the other possibility was that something was screwed up in my ear, and the iPod had nothing to do with it. An encouraging thought was that I had been sneezing the night before as well. So I went to the doctor, who found nothing wrong in my bad ear, but found a buildup of earwax in my OTHER ear, and cleaned it out, and said come back in 2 days if it's not better.

It didn't get better. I spent two days barely able to hear, loud sounds made my ear hurt (just my luck--same day, had to help out at a math competition with lots of clapping--I swear, the world is out to get me!), and with an annoying ringing sound the entire time, making it hard to sleep among other things. At this point I was almost ready to kill myself. (Okay, not really, but it was seriously ANNOYING, and I couldn't listen to music or talking without discomfort)

Around this time I noticed my neck was hurting and stuff was draining down my throat, so I went back to the doctor, who prescribed antibiotics for that. She thought that would be weird symptoms for hearing problems, but if that didn't clear it up, to come back after my antibiotics were gone.

Well, gradually my hearing started to come back. I started taking an online hearing test every day, noticing that I was deaf in some frequencies and fine in others in that ear. Slowly the bad frequencies got better, and that brings me to today.

I'm not totally healed yet, and if I'm in total quiet, I can still hear ringing in my ear, but it's really faint and it's a super high frequency that doesn't really annoy me. I don't know if it'll ever go away, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was before. The hearing in my left ear still isn't totally up to par, but it's getting better.

So...either 1) I'm the first person in the history of the universe to blow my ear out by listening to Les Miserables and it's healing slowly...or... 2) I had an ear infection or something that the antibiotics are fixing.

I'm gonna go with option 2 as an explanation. The iPod story sounds a little out there--I probably would have awakened if noise was blasting my ear. But still, it was a major wake up call to me, and it gave me a lot to be thankful for--antibiotics for one, but the point is that I am lucky to have the gift of good hearing. I was also lucky to be shown what tinnitus is like, so I can be careful with my ears to try to prevent myself from being stuck with tinnitus permanently as I get older.

People, don't screw around with your hearing. I did a lot of research about hearing damage while going through this ordeal, reading other people's stories. Hearing damage is usually permanent. Be careful with your earbuds--don't blast music into your ears. Wear earplugs if you're around loud sounds. You will never realize how god awful it is to be stuck with ringing in your ears until you experience it. CHERISH YOUR HEARING!

Yeah, it feels like preaching, but I feel like it's my responsibility to say this. I don't know if loud sounds caused it or what, but I am lucky--some people who experience ringing in their ear have it PERMANENTLY. From now on I am going to be very careful about how loud the music is I listen to, and I won't sleep with my earbuds in at night. Hearing is so important for everything you do--you don't realize it until you can't use it. BE CAREFUL! That's all I'm sayin.

Anyway, that's my story. Couple of other random thoughts:

* I love how my math textbook talks about the "naive" way of doing a problem (which is what I thought of initially for solving it), and then a better way. I realize naive is not being used as a belittling word in this case, but damn! Can't they use a word that has less of a negative connotation? My professor says "naive" is commonly used as a formal word in mathematics like that, and I understand that, but I still think it's kind of arrogant for math people to use a word like that in that manner. And you wonder why math/computer nerds are stereotypically thought of as antisocial!
(p.s. I'm on a PC so I'm too lazy to figure out how to put the two dots over the "i" in naive. I know they're there, but PCs suck with special characters!)

* Doing reading about my hearing made me realize that we have dominant ears. I never realized that until recently. I knew we had dominant hands, feet, and eyes, but I had no idea about ears. You can tell which ear is dominant by which ear you prefer to listen through--for example, which ear you usually put your telephone up to. Apparently most people have all their dominance on one side--dominant right hand, ear, eye, and foot, for example. I have a dominant right hand and right foot, but my left ear and left eye are dominant. I did some interesting reading--apparently people who have "cross-dominance" are a "step behind."--they are known to have learning disabilities, problems speaking, difficulty listening, and all sorts of strange things like that, because the info they process has to go from one side of the brain to the other when it comes in, so it takes longer to process. I don't know if I'm willing to believe that (considering that I don't think I am anywhere close to having a learning disability), but it's still a pretty interesting thing. It might explain why I sometimes have trouble saying what I mean, but I have no trouble writing it. Who knows. Anyway, you should read up on it sometime if you're bored. And I mean really bored.

Anyway that's all. This one was long but I had a lot to write about. If you got all the way to the bottom, thanks. I mean it. Remember...be careful with your ears!

Never get a really simple e-mail address. Like, for instance, your_name@yahoo.com. Especially if you have a really common sounding name--like mine for instance.

Why?

Because there are too many fools out there that think their e-mail address is also your_name@yahoo.com. Only their address has other random crap in it too, but when they tell other people about it or sign up for a MySpace account, they forget about the other random crap they added to the address.

So why am I telling you this seemingly random information?

Because I have an e-mail address...doug_brown instead of your_name. I can’t even use it because of the aforementioned dumbasses. People sign up for a myspace account with it, send me random messages about how they were so happy to meet me or about some office meeting from last week, send me cell phone pictures taken inside of grocery stores, and sign up for true.com to meet lovers online.

Only none of it’s meant for me. It’s meant for some other crazy ass dude named Doug Brown. He probably isn’t as tall as me, he probably can’t type as fast as me, he’s probably half as smart as me, and he probably picks his nose and eats it every Tuesday afternoon at 3:32 pm. Maybe his favorite food is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with cream cheese, and maybe his favorite hobby is making sculptures out of tuna fish sandwiches. Whoever he is, and whatever he does, he’s a total douche because he doesn’t realize his e-mail address has extra characters in it. In reality, he’s actually a collection of different douches who all have the same douche-osity, but I’m referring to this collection of douches as one big douche.

So every time some dumbass sends a "wink" to this dude on some stupid dating website, I get an email about it. All of the stupid online services don’t do a damn thing about it if I write in to them about how some douche used my e-mail address for their account. So it’s all pointless. The only solution is that I just don’t use that e-mail address anymore. Why does it have to come to that?

Writing about it only makes me more angry. Come on, people! Quit making me lose my faith in humanity. )@($(*)@*$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

This has been a public service announcement by the only real Doug Brown left in this world. If you’re aggravated like me now, go to my profile and listen to my performance of Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. :)

I have been so busy lately...if I haven't gotten back to you this is why.

I'm only taking 12 credit hours, but one of my classes is writing intensive and two others should count as being writing intensive even though they don't. My easiest class is a 400 level math course!

I spent this entire weekend working on projects! I have to do my seminar presentation on Tuesday, which means I have to take up 50 minutes with a presentation and discussion. It won't be hard to take up the time, but it's a lot of work to get everything ready. I also have two final projects due during finals week that I can't slack off on: a 5,000+ word research paper/autobiography (yeah, weird, huh?) and an artificial intelligence project.

I spent this weekend preparing my presentation and doing a lot of work on my artificial intelligence program, which is a backpropagation neural network. It's some pretty sweet stuff, but it is also really difficult and tiring. Basically the computer learns to solve problems rather than being told explicitly how to do them. It's cool but it took up my whole weekend!

Then to add to all that, I have math tutoring at random times during the day that interrupt a lot of my free time. I would be done on Mondays at 10:00 am, but because of tutoring I'm not done until 5 pm. Yuck.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a heads up. I'm not ignoring anybody, it's just that I am really really busy these days. I can't WAIT to graduate!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am having a bout of insomnia while trying to end my addiction to Benadryl and decided to write this despite the disturbing fact that I have to be awake in five hours. I've been sick since December 27th, and it sucks. First the stomach flu, now a cold that is slowly going away.

Now to the point. I have said for a long time that I don't have a favorite band. There are too many music artists to choose from. That's still very much true. But I can now say that I have a favorite album. I've owned it for over a year now and have finally decided it's official. I can't get enough of this album!

Opaline, by Dishwalla.

Opaline is, quite simply, freakin' amazing. It's basically soft rock. Almost all of the songs are acoustic, but there's a little bit of other stuff in there too. Some of you would probably complain that it's overproduced, but that doesn't bug me. Most of the songs have a peaceful, tender, passionate vibe that at times is sad or nostalgic, yet hopeful. If I'm having one of my deep moments, it fits perfectly. You might have heard one of the songs on it called Somewhere in the Middle. Another one called Every Little Thing is on my profile. The album has been out since 2002.

You might have heard of Dishwalla before. They are known as a one-hit wonder for their song "Counting Blue Cars" which you almost surely heard on the radio in the 90s. But their later stuff rocks and it's pretty much unknown. Opaline is the only album of theirs that I consider perfect. The other ones make use of too many weird keyboard/synth effects that sound crazy. I still like em, but this one stands out by far. They didn't overdo it with the keyboard.

My only complaint is sometimes the vocals are really high pitched "ooh" stuff that sounds kinda...I dunno, let's just say not manly. But really, I don't think it's that bad. There is not a single song on this album that bores me. You should seriously give it a listen sometime. If it's not your style, that's cool. But if you think you might like it after hearing previews on iTunes or something, let me know. It's rated as five stars on Amazon.com. That has to mean SOMETHING!

That's all for now :) Here is a sample portion of the lyrics from the song "Home":

it's some kind of life
forever days
we're in the cold
and unfamiliar way
so take this fear
and fade it out
it won't make me sad
cause I get sentimental lord
in other ways
and I don't wanna let me down here anymore
so come and take me home
lead me to your door
take me where you are
lead me to your door
and let me in
just let me in
and let me leave
just let me leave this world
come on now let me leave this world
at least just for a while

Hokay...so...

As you may or may not notice, I wrote on my profile that I'm really interested in the whole concept behind "time." It's true...and I feel like writing about it right now. The Butterfly Effect was on today and while it was all right, it doesn't go deep enough for my tastes. It did, however, get me into my "thinking about time" mood. So, as a warning...if you don't like philosophical stuff or just thinking deeply about the possibilities of time, just stop right here :)

Here's the deal. First of all, I think time is really fascinating and I wish we understood exactly what it is a little bit better. Right now, all we have is made-up units that we use to measure how much time has passed...and we still don't have a really great definition of what specifically time is. I'm definitely open to hearing others' viewpoints about it. I'm one of the people who doubts that it is possible to change the past or predict the future, at least to an extent. But if someone ever proves that wrong, I think it would be sweet, but at the same time VERY scary.

But as to the point of this blog, I think time travel is impossible. Why? This may not really be a logical reason...but I think it's a good reason nonetheless. Note that the following may written as if it's fact, but I'm just doing that so I don't have to prefix everything I say with the phrase "I think"...so if you get the impression I'm trying to state this all as fact, that's not my intent:

The belief in time travel is a very selfish idea. Ya know, of all the words you'd use to describe it, "selfish" probably wouldn't be one that would come to mind at first, but the more I think about it, the more I think it fits perfectly. Being able to travel through time to change or predict my life would not only affect everything happening in my life, it would also affect everyone else's lives around me. If I change one little thing I say, that one little change could drastically impact someone else's life. This is where the butterfly effect comes into play, but I see it as something much deeper than the movie looked at. Everything that we do, especially in this society, influences others. What if I decide to call you someday? Does that influence your life? Damn straight it does. What if it causes the line to be busy for someone else calling, or what if it delays you 5 minutes, or what if it makes you have a different mood? Maybe it makes you step in a slightly different spot later on than you would have, and some ant dies that otherwise would have lived? Do you get what I'm saying? Everything that each and every one of us does affects the world in some manner, and it can have minor or major consequences, but in my mind, everything has major consequences, no matter how small it is.

Oh yes, this is getting very good...and maybe you're starting to see my point now...

First I'm going to look at changing the past. This is where the "selfish" idea comes into play. If I go back in time and change my life, I'm changing everyone else's life along with it, whether it involves an ant or a phone call or whatever. The idea that it could be potentially possible to do such a thing is such a self-centered attitude. It's the attitude of someone who thinks the entire world revolves around them. What makes you think that you have the power to be able to change everyone else's history? We're all in this together, and I just don't see how it is even thought to be possible that one person can go back in time and alter the existence of everyone else.

Now, you may say that I am contradicting myself because I said we all have the power to change each other's lives with every action we do. That is not ALTERING history, it's AFFECTING the outcome. These are two entirely different things. Changing and influencing are two VERY different ideas. "Change" is a much stronger word and to me, it would be like a superpower to CHANGE someone's life, but any one of us can INFLUENCE other lives--which is what I mean when I talk about the butterfly effect. So although they may sound similar, in my mind they are two drastically different things. This may not be a very logical argument, but it really "clicks" in my head. Ok, now that I have dealt with that, what about the FUTURE?

My argument for the future is really simple. We all know that we make decisions on the whim. At any point in time I can change my mind about what I want to do. One second before I walk out the door I can decide not to do it and sit down instead. To be able to predict the future implies that it already exists...that is, that we already have our existence planned out ahead of time. Now this is starting to sound a bit religious...but I for one certainly know that I always have the power to make my own decisions. If everyone else also has this power, then there is no possible way that the future exists because it doesn't exist until it actually happens--until we make the decision to do an action and the action happens. To predict the future implies to know a decision someone will make before that happens. And I for one can't see that happening. In fact, it's not just to know a decision one person will make, it's to know the decision that EVERYONE makes. The state of the entire existence in this universe depends upon every single one of its inhabitants. There's no way in hell I can know the decision that every living thing is making at any particular moment. Basically, the extent of changing our future, in my opinion, is by carrying out our own actions and decisions.

To sum it up in one sentence: If you don't believe in fate (I belong in this category), then you can't believe in being able to predict the future. Another thing that can't really be proven, but this argument is a bit more logical, although it makes an assumption of believing in fate...and I don't see how fate can exist if we have the power to make our own decisions, but whatever...

Shit, that was long. If you managed to get all the way through, congrats. Leave me a comment, I'd love to discuss these ideas with anyone who's interested...now you see the kind of crazy crap that goes through my head! Oh, and btw, I am TOTALLY open to other people's perspectives...this is just stuff that I have dreamed up throughout all the time I've spent thinking about it.

Okay, so tomorrow (err...today...) I'm going to be playing piano during mass for the first time ever. I'm not necessarily freaked out but I haven't played in front of lots of people ever since my last recital which was probably at least 7 or 8 years ago...eek...

This is also going to be the first time I've accompanied singers, which is kind of scary to me because if I screw up, I can't just pause and figure it out, I have to correct myself FAST. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous, but at the same time I'm really excited about it! It's a good opportunity for me to challenge myself and expand my horizons and all that wonderful crap, lol

I saw the music for the first time on Thursday. I've only had it for TWO days! The music isn't all that difficult, but it's still not much time for me to get it down. I may end up only playing the melody for some of it (which is no problem), but we'll see how it goes. Anyway, if you read this, please wish me luck!!!

(Thank God the music is in the key of D so I don't have many sharps to mess around with...)

Edit: I ended up doing all right. A couple of mistakes but nothing major. It was a rush playing in front of people like that again...I got kinda shaky but it felt good! It's fun :)

Dreams. They are so weird...I think they are fascinating. They are a way of subconsciously analyzing the underlying themes in our lives. But most of the time, for me anyway, it doesn't matter...because I never remember them! Well, I take that back. I always remember them...but I can never actually recall them unless something takes me back. I need someone to "trigger" the memory. If I were to read the encyclopedia from A to Z every day, I'd remember all my dreams.

The last dream I remember was weird. I had it a couple days ago. I went to Bi-Mart to buy a new computer (and of course, Bi-Mart doesn't sell computers...but this is my dream so it doesn't matter!). I bought the computer but then I realized I didn't have the key for my car (but how did I get it there in the first place?) so I bought a bright red Ferrari. Or maybe it was a Porsche. You get the picture... (this car purchase was also made at Bi-Mart...wtf? did I mention I'm such a great problem solver when I'm dreaming? lol)

So then I drove home...(quite fast, I might add, on a road that doesn't exist in real life--or does it?) And on the way, my conscience got the better of me. I had just spent my life savings on a really nice car...and totally ruined my entire future. (Just so you know, I don't have anywhere near the money to buy a car like that, lol...)

And that's where the dream ended. I think there were other details but whatever. Something my mom said after I had woken up made me remember the dream. I think our dreams say a lot about us, but at the same time are randomly made up of stuff from our lives. For example, I'm sure the red car came from the ending of National Treasure, which I had watched that evening.

As for underlying meaning...I'm perfectly willing to admit that I'm kinda afraid of what the future has in store for me. I mean, I'm excited and all, but it's a lot of pressure and I really don't want to screw it up. It's scary not knowing where I'm gonna be in a year. I think my dream was a way of letting me know that it's going to be okay because no matter what I do, it's gotta be better than that. Or maybe it's just a representation of my fear. Sometimes I think my dreams predict the future too...I swear things have happened before, with me suddenly realizing that I had dreamt about it in the past. A form of déjà vu. Don't count on me buying a Ferrari at Bi-Mart anytime soon though ;) It might also be some kind of thing where the brain gets confused and just THINKS it happened before. Maybe I'm just a lunatic who belongs in a straitjacket inside a white padded room.

Or maybe it's just a bunch of random shit with no significance...
I really hope not though, I think dreams are cool :)

I'm sitting here in the dark and it's hotter than hell. That just doesn't seem right....it's past 10 PM and it's freaking 73 degrees outside. I don't have air conditioning :( I have ALL my lights off, the only light in this entire room right now is this computer screen.

Anyway, to the point of this. I've recently decided that apathy is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not the root of all evil, but it's a major problem with our society. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we put up with so much stupid crap that we shouldn't allow to happen. And why do we let it happen? Because we're lazy. If it's not about us, it's not about anyone at all. And half the time, even if *is* about us, we're still lazy! I have begun to respect people who bother to go out and do stuff, speak out, write letters, and do whatever has to be done.

It's kinda funny, because what really set me off is something so stupid. I was watching TV the other day and a certain channel (FX) started skipping and doing all this weird crap, like digital artifacts, even though I have regular old cable. It was pissing me off because I was trying to pay attention to the movie that was on. And then the next night it did the SAME THING! I was so pissed off, I contacted the cable company. And they informed me that nobody else had complained about it. I just didn't realize why nobody else had bothered to complain. It's gotta be laziness.

Okay okay, so that's a really minor thing when you look at the big picture, but it still applies. I used to say laziness is a virtue...I probably still do think that at times ;)...but we gotta draw the line somewhere. I realize that I of all people shouldn't be calling society lazy because I'm probably one of the laziest of us all...but that doesn't change the fact that there is a problem.

Just remember, you can't spell apathetic without pathetic. (ha, ha, ha. You can roll your eyes now...)

Any thoughts?

And if the cable company doesn't fix the problem, I ain't backin down! ;)