Not sure if anyone reads these damn blogs but I'm posting anyway.  Just gotta let things off my chest.

My grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago and I guess it was a lot tougher on me than I thought it would be.  It wasn't sudden, more like expected...especially after watching him deteriorate in the nursing home the past 4 years.  In the beginning, I was happy to see him go...only because I didn't want to see him suffer anymore.  I even said my goodbye to him a couple days before he passed so that I could thank him and I told him to rest in peace.  I thought I had closure but over the ensuing weeks, I noticed I was shutting myself out from the rest of the world. Mourning? Depression? Whatever it was, it didn't feel good.

I don't know how many people are close to their grandparents but I was really close to mine.  You see, my parents have always run their own business so they weren't really around to "raise" me when I was younger.  They had my grandparents to do that for them.  So in a sense, I had two sets of parents.  My grandmother passed away back in July of 2000.  After that, things just went downhill for my grandfather.  One thing led to another and he enventually ended up in a nursing home.

I have so many memories of him  I didn't know how much of an impact he had on my life until I recently started reminiscing.  During summer vacations when I was in elementary, we used to take the city bus (only God knows how he knew the routes and transfers without speaking a lick of English) to a Korean community center where he would meet up with other Korean senior citizens.  We'd eat, have meetings, play bingo, along with other activities that old Korean folk did.  Some days, he'd come home with a bag of walnuts that had fallen from a neighbor's tree.  I love walnuts to this day.
He was such a caring person.  Always thought of us (family) before himself.  He would get snacks and cookies from the community center and bring it home for us to eat, even when I was in high school when I thought I had grown out of cookies...
If there was main dish at the dinner table and he didn't feel there was enough, he would always pretend he was too full to eat so that we would eat it.  I notice I do that sometimes, probably because of him.  I just wished all these good memories weren't mixed in with the bad ones from the last 4 years.  I can't get these damn images of him lying in the nursing home alone out of my head.
There's so much that I wanted to know about him.  How my grandparents met....what kind of hardships and happiness he endured.  His passions...his dreams...his whole life.  When I realized I wanted to know these things, it was already too late to ask.  If anyone has the opportunity to get to know someone dear to them...do it now.  You may never get another chance.

I'll tell you what I do know.  Chu Rim Na was born on March 17, 1910 in Korea (back there there was no North and South...just one Korea).  He married my grandmother and had 6 children, the first 3 never made it past the age of 2.  He was educated during the Japanese occupation of Korea, but never once showed animosity toward the Japanese.  My grandparents fled North Korea during the Korean War, leaving behind friends and family that they would never see again.  One thing my grandfather was always so proud to share was that he designed the Nam Dae Mun Bridge that still stands in South Korea.

I wish I knew more...but what a story!  Sounds like something out of the movies.  I miss him a lot.  But, I'm happy for him.  He can finally rest in peace.  Who knows, maybe there is a heaven and he's finally with my grandmother again.

I miss you both....thank you for everything you've done for me and being such a big part of my life!