welcome to George Cloonies Island Paradise!

You know…there are weeks like last week were I feel like I have a debilitating case of arrested development and that I am a ten year old boy masquerading as a grown up…and then there are weeks like this week.  Weeks where I feel like the only grown up in a land of dough-eyed rubes, children who go out side fully dressed and return start naked unable to tell you what happened to their clothes.

Listen up all you “grown ups’ out there.  Maybe I don’t have a couch, and maybe I don’t have much along the line of physical property to show for my 30 plus years on this planet, but that’s not because didn’t have any money, it’s because I chose to spend my money working towards a goal, I don’t spend it on plasma t.v.s or leather sofas, or sham-wows, and I DIDN’T SPEND IT SENDING MONEY INTO HAITI.  

I’m going to do a little math for all you do-gooders out there that will hopefully open your eyes to the complete scam this all is, but first let me break down something.

I’m watching I THINK the O’reily factor…I can’t say for sure because once I’m in the news channel section of cable I flip around a lot.  But I’m pretty certain it was O’reily.  99% sure.  And Bill and some dope where breaking down how much cash has been sent to Haiti and who’s in charge of it.  They had 6 different groups listed and they where remarking that some where less shady than others.  They both agreed that the group that included some sort of guidance from George Clooney was fairly legitimate.  So all you assholes looking to donate money to a lost cause take heart!  Because George Clooney is going to make sure your money gets spent the right way.   That is what they said…George Clooney is going to make sure things are handled properly.  Now lets say for the sake of argument George gives a shit…all of a sudden…and is actually going to put in the 10-16 hours a day for months on end required to actually know what is going on over there.  Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s going to leave his Hollywood home and live in tent city in Haiti for 6 months.  Let’s say that.  It still begs the question WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME GEORGE CLOONEY LOOKED AT A SPREAD SHEET? Hmm?  Do you honestly think George knows how much a bag of rice is?  Or how much it costs to ship a bag of rice?  How about how much a jar of penicillin costs?  Do you know?  I don’t know, and I guarantee George doesn’t know…so how is he going to make sure your money isn’t getting stolen by crooks, con artists, or just desperate people looking to skim off the top?  He isn’t, he can’t.  Let’s say He wants to help…and that he’s not just doing this because his agent said it was good press.  That still makes him a 4 year old on a roof telling people he can fly because he saw “superman” and anyone who gives him money is a fellow four year old rooting for him to go for it!  Well we all know what’s going to happen, the four year old is going to be face down on the  lawn with a broken neck and all the other four years olds are going to run off and claim they weren’t there.  

And that is the "fund" set up by the "legitimate" folks.  then there is of course the other "funds" you knumbskulls have donated to that are completely crooked.

now let's do some math...and let me tell you finding out how much has actually been donated is NIGH IMPOSSIBLE, the numbers are all over the map and most of the numbers are coming from half assed sources.  but as best i could research from legit news sources the U.S. alone has donated in the area of 770 million dollars so far.  that's just the u.s., Japan kicked in so did switzerland, and England to the tune of 300 million. (keep in mind these numbers are growing rapidly by people on nice furniture who don't want to feel guilty when they see a five year old with a head wound) AND you can of course assume right from the start that those numbers are low as many non-legit "funds" are going to only say they have about 75% of the cash coming in that they actually have.  

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS i'm just going to take the U.S. 770 million and the 300 million from switzerland/Japan/England (the countries with the best chance of having an accurate total) and start with the number of 1070 million dollars in aid.  let's take that aid and call it the "Douglas" fund. now what can we do with it?  these people need food, shelter, electricity, a clean environment.  if you haven't listened to the blogs there is a phase i use often "i trust McDonalds to make cheeseburgers".  so let's build some McDonalds, stocked with food, employees, we'll even kick in a generator and water purifier for each one.  one unit stocked thusly comes in at just under a million dollars (less if we don't use the franchise name, but what the hell let's go all out, let's even put a playground on each one, this why they can stop praying to Dumballah, who has deserted them in their hour of need, and instead offer there buckets of chicken blood to a fiberglass mayor mccheese). That gives us 1070 individual McDonalds. Haiti is 10714 square miles.  quick math on that is one built from the ground up, brand new fully stocked, fully functional COMPLETELY SELF SUFFICIENT McDonalds every ten square miles. Given that only 1/4 of Haiti was affected that's more like a McDonalds ever 2.5 square miles. THAT'S HOW MUCH WE COULD BY WITH THE MONEY THAT WAS DONATED.

Now you take away all the bells and whistles and franchise name and just throw up some steel buildings with clean water, beds, food, medicine and electricity and you probably are looking at a decent makeshift care center every three blocks.  that's what we COULD get.  but, I'd wager 6 months from now we'll still be seeing poverty riddled shacks with people squatting over dirty water with flies in their wounds...because...the vast majority of the money will be mismanaged, stolen, or both.

and here's why...Haiti is a hell hole full of scumbags, cutthroats, vermin, lowlifes, con men, and people who commit evil heinous acts on every conceivable level.  That is the population of Haiti...and maybe 5% are decent people to stupid to leave.  

The sad truth is there is nothing we can do about it, unless we want to actually become an empire and take over and grant statehood to every location on earth that needs help places like Haiti will always be hell holes. This is not our fault, this is the fault of Haiti's ridiculously corrupt government and by extension it's people who have not bothered to rise up and do anything about it.  why haven't they?  truth be told- living in a lawless hell hole run by assholes suits you just fine when you are a lawless asshole.

so we can't do any real good there.  "grant us the the courage to accept the things we cannot change" is a phrase from the serenity prayer that they teach you in rehab.  and i am looking at all you do-gooders like addicts, people who keep harming themselves and others for a high.  this "high" would be the most dangerous "high" of all - the "high" you get when you do something "generous" simply to feel good about yourself.

SO let's look at the HARM you do-gooders are doing donating money.  all of the money that is stolen is being stolen by assholes.  and you are giving those assholes money to use to do asshole things.  set up bigger scams, sell drugs, sell people, buy guns, bribe officials, further oppress the 5%, hell maybe create a space satellite with a death ray for all we fuckin know.  the only thing we DO know is assholes are getting a lot of money from you idiots that they are going to use to do bad things. so...thanks...thanks a whole bunch.  how about from now on you just donate to things going on in your own community, maybe donate blood, or buy some books for the school.  history books maybe so that at least your kids won't be as dumb as you in the future.

Hey, maybe you just spend your disposable income on another TV, and have the channel changer disconnected so that you only get the Disney channel. Buying a t.v. will create a job and not being able to change the channel to current events will keep you from knee jerk harmful responses to things you only have 30 seconds of information on.  with any luck you won't even know when it's time to vote.

Actually my real plan...the only smart option is to get a 70 mile row of bulldozers and plow the entire surface of Haiti into the ocean and put up luxury hotels and turn it into the lucrative, job creating, modern Island paradise it could be if it wasn't full of human debree.

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okay so, up to this point i've been showing page layout based on timing and eye movement.  Now, here is a page that was laid out with a slightly more standard art composition in mind. In this page i was looking at the page as a whole, and combining the individual panels using standard artistic  composition rather than timing and eye movement.  let's look at it with a few highlighted areas.

      This page is all about mood and the creepiness of it.  since we have already gone over "implied lines" we can plainly see that the first panel has a series of implied triangles.  just like different colors produce different feelings, different shapes produce different feelings- triangles for example imply security, permanence, stability.  the sleeping woman is surrounded by triangles- she is in a secure setting, HOWEVER we also learned that the eye is drawn to doors and windows so the security is contrasted by our eyes being drawn to the open window with joe and merl lying in wait....that's the setting of the mood.  BUT this camera shot also helps set the mood. it is a standard birds eye view where we are being drawn down into the action, so just as Joe and Merl are creeping in...so too does the reader feel like an onlooker, peeping tom.  and rather than have the sleeping woman framed smack dab in the middle of the composition, she is off the the lower right.  this...if that were all there was to the composition...would make for a crappy panel because your eye would travel right off the page as it went from middle left (joe and merl) to lower right (following down the woman's body to her head). However...large black areas stop your eye...they create subliminal barriers (I can't remember if i mentioned that or not...but now i have...black = stop) so the whole panel is blocked off by blacks - the night horizon in the window, the cabinet and dresser sides and the black headboard rails.  these along with the triangles keep the eye bouncing around and stretching out the time spent in the panel.  also i should add that the word balloons have no tails for a reason. tails on word balloons are an often forgotten element.  they lead the eye as sure as the most imposing lines in a composition.  so, to keep from disrupting the composition and to imply the most time possible...the word balloons have no tails...they simply exist on the page...whispers in the night.

the second half of this page is COMPLETELY different from the top panel in composition, camera angle, and timing. Joe and Merl are outside of the room, their victim is inside...so having drastic differences between the panels they are in, and the top panel that the room is featured in really help create a world on the page.  it is as thought that top panel is a room and the bottom panels are outside.  as thought the sleeping woman panel is still going on while Joe and Merl spring their evil doings in the lower panel.

one other technique in this page that i like and do from time to time is that the panels in the lower section can really be read from top to bottom as effectively as from left to right.  in fact if you follow the red lines, the top and bottom panels could very well read like a flip book.

damn i'm good.

all false bravado aside, this is one of the best pages i've ever done, i really caught lighting in a bottle with it.  

it almost makes me sad that i don't have the time, patience or tools to do those uneven grey lined areas anymore.  the uneven grey really plays havoc with the eyes and makes the reader uncomfortable.  unfortunately i did those with a technical pen that they discontinued long long ago.  it was a steadler triple zero.  man that was a great pen, i could draw three lines on the head of a pin with that thing, or write one straight line a block long without ever having it skip, stutter, blot or snag/spray on the page. it was actually discontinued before i ever did an issue, i got mine at an estate sale.  i only had one and it got ruined when i was cleaning it one day.  probably a blessing in disguise though, i'd have arthritis and coke bottle glasses by now if i had it past issue four.  but really...look at the steadiness of my hands on those lines in the top panel, there must be a thousand lines there just barely kissing each other.  Steady patient hands...that's the stuff dreams are made of...am i right ladies?...that's right, you know what i'm talking about...HEY! don't you back away from the computer!! my idle hands are getting lonely...HEY! COME BACK HERE! >:(

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feh, bitch.

OH YEAH!  in a movement of extreme foreshadowing/insanity...the nightstand has a tiny drawing of a pack of cigarettes on it...you hard core reader will get the significance of that.  Arsenic Lullaby is FULL of little things like that, for instance the FIRST appearance or Baron Von Donut was on a bag of donuts Joe fed to a victim in issue...uhm 10 i think...five issues before he would make an appearance as a speaking character. in fact my favorite "you are a dumbass who will never truly understand my genius" moment is when a reviewer bitched that i kept forgetting to draw the back of voodoo joe's head. of course if you read Arsenic Lullaby Omega you know that WAYYYY back in issue no.2 i was already setting the stage for the end of the series.  

AND if you get issue ten and cut out all the panels with that donut bag you can make a flip book out of them and Baron Von Donut dances.  

it's the circle of life grasshopper or...fuck Haiti.