www.textsfromlastnight.com(906): I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
(740): We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
(202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
(360): Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
(215): Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
(218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
(503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
(630): Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
(732): So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
731): Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
(225): you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
(504): im sorry, i don't get text messages.
(925): "Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
(410): I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
(412): omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
(1-412): tell him to stop quoting family guy
510): We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
(313): Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
(330): How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
(315): my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
(516): If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
(617): Need ur aereola diameter
419): So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
(702): grinding to god bless the USA? really?
(860): shut up
(310): your room smells of hookers.
(904): And success
(607): You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
(405): No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
(321): Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
(240): How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
813): Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
(803): I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
(803): He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
(816): you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
(636): you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
(323): WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
(602): well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
(704): I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
(312): You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
(384): How come?
(312): Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...
(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
(954): the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What more can I say?
Am