Fellow Sanfranciscans,

We all talk about it. We all hear it. We all see it. We all bitch about the war. But now is the time to put our actions where our mouth is. This is OUR war. This is our generation's war. Bush, weather we want to or not, is OUR president. His decisions are made in OUR name.

It is time to show the world that American's aren't just some overtly medicated, fat, mass consummers. It is time to show the world that we can make a stand against our government. It is time to show future generations that when the time came, we marched, we protested, we at least attempted to make a difference.

Please join me this Saturday to go to an anti-war rally. This rally is taking place in almost every major city in the United States. The rally starts at 11 am at Civic Center, and ends with a march towards dolores park.

It is time to stand. I am ready. Will you join me?

It's time for a new chapter.

I'm done with what I've been doing lately.

I have to go to work.

I'll try to write again when I have time.

Peace.

Have fun be safe.

Carlos.

I don't particularly remember the take off. I remember the hit. I remember leaving my scooter. Then I remember just being there. Opening my eyes as I layed on the floor. My left shoulder underneath my body. My helmet scratched.

I flew. I landed.

Somehow, this older audacious older lady decided to reverse in the middle of the street blocking both lanes of traffic to get a parking spot on the left side of the street. I was driving on the right side. I honked. She didn't hit the brakes. She hit the gas. She accelerated, and hit me. She hit me and gave me wings.

Ah. I'm in pain. But nothing too bad. She was really sweet. I feel bad. I kinda used the F word at the situation a couple of times.

Oh well. I'm sorry for cursing.

I'm at work right, and can't fully explore the question that I've posted as my title. However, I do want to leave you with some questions.

 

What defines you? is it your friends, family, the people that you surround yourself with?

Is it what you do, how you act, and how you react to certain circumstances? Are some circumstances more important, and more directly related to who you are than others? If so, which ones?

What do you believe in? What do you want out of life?

I will try to answer this questions, not only for my readers, but above all for myself. I'm lost again.

As a writer I consider myself an artist. Not a critically acclaimed artist, but an artist. Artists are those people that have enough sensibility to connect the dots in whichever situation they either place themselves, or life places them in. However, they must be there. Humanity needs them to record and express the connections that other people would, otherwise, not understand.

Connections. That's what we are all after. We are after a sense of belonging to someone. We are after a sense of belonging to something. One finds these connections with friends, a loved one, and family.


As an individual I'm able to see things in a different light. I can't help but feel like a lot of young gay guys are extremely desperate for a deep connection with someone. They long for that intimacy that can only be shared with someone who really knows you. The connection that can only be enjoyed, worked for, fought for, cried for, and ultimately build up on time.

But time is now. Society expects things and wants them now. I'm just as guilty of this fact as the guy next door. However, my issue is with the people that are equating that intimacy with hooking up. So many young guys are barebacking (having unprotected sex) with complete strangers. They need that skin to skin connection, which granted feels great, but is so dangerous.

Dangerous is an interesting word. I'm sitting here placing a judgment call on people that I don't know simply because of their sexual choices. How christian of me. Dating is just as dangerous as barebacking. Perhaps even more. The worst that could happen with barebacking is HIV. A preventable disease that will kill you. But as I've experienced heartache for the first time I've realized that is where the true danger lies. I'm choosing to not let the pain change me. Perhaps I will be a little wiser out of this experience. Perhaps now that I've experienced it I can write about it. I can give in detail all the emotions that I've gone through. But still, now that I'm aware of the true danger, how will I approach dating?

Only time will tell.

... ahh who the fuck cares!!


I've fucking missed me.

I'm back to normal.

Love you bitches!

There are some things in life that are just too hard to acomplish. Sometimes, they are difficult circumstances that must be experienced to have a better life such as moving to a different country, a different city.

Sometimes, they are as easy as giving someone you love a hug. I couldn't bring myself to hug him yesterday. He wanted a friendly hug. He wanted a sign, perhaps, that we can still be friends.

But I can't be friends with him just yet. I'm sure that down the road we'll party together and laugh about the little stupid fights that we've had. But now is not the time for that. Now is the time that I heal, is the time that I let go of the possibility of something meaningfull with you. Now is not the time for a friendship.

I'm not saying that because I'm trying to punish him because he isn't giving me what I want. For, I know deep inside that doing that would only prolongue the inevitable. I just need my time.

I wish that I would have been strong enough to hug him. But sometimes, we all have our weak moments. I hope you understand.

There comes a time in everyones life that the what if's need to stop. There comes a time when the maybes, the should haves, must haves, and everything in between must end.

It's funny and perhaps ironic that everyone tells me not to worry. That everyone tells me that I shouldn'ty have a problem finding someone. That everyone tells me that I deserve better.

What some people don't understand is that I wasn't with him because I needed someone. I was with him because I needed him.

As much as I want to be over it. As much as I want to move on. As much as I want to and have met awesome people, I'm not ready for what's next yet. I will be okay. I will move on.

I'm just not over it yet.

This is the end.

I wish you the best.

I went to adjust it, and it just wasn't there. Aum is a pendant that I purchased May 19th. I know it is that day that I bought it because I blogged about it.

It is funny. It is ironic. It is poetic that as I move on, so does the pendant that for me changed it all. It is ironic that as soon as I said my final Aum, Aum left me. It left me perhaps to touch another life. Perhaps to let someone else know that they should fight a little harder for what they want.

However, losing Aum made me realize how lucky I truly am. How thankful I should be for everyone that is in my life. How thankful I should be about the lessons learned, and the friendships I gained.

After all, life, is a journey. The destination is the same for everyone. How you chose to travel through the hills, valleys, bumpy roads, etc. is what makes the difference between who you are and the rest of the travelers.

This weekend I realized something. This weekend my friends came up from the valley and a good friend of mine kept me entertained. We talked a lot. But mostly I understood something

As I'm thrown back into the game I realized what I want from a relationship, or from just dating someone. For starters, I'm not so sure that a relationship is what I want right now. I'm happy with just dating. I'm happy with letting time go bye, and permitting the clockmaster to show me what is in store for me.

I'm sure that a lot of you know that I have issues with just letting go. I have issues with not being able to control the situation. I have issues with not having a security blanket. I have issues with not knowing for sure what will happen.

But in the end, let's be honest. No one knows what is going to happen. No one can control feelings, emotions, actions etc. We can only hope for the best. We can only hope that at the end things work out.

However, when things don't work out, and after the dust has settled, you can look back and figure out what you did wrong. You can figure out what he did wrong. You can figure out what you want from the next guy, or guys, that will come into your life.

Sometime during this weekend I met a guy. This guy isn't from here. He is from out of town. He gave me a ride home. As we were walking to the car he stepped on the sidewalk. He unlocked the car and opened the passenger door for me.

It is those little things that I look forward too. It is those little things that tell me that I'm special. It is those little things that let me know that someone is willing to go out of their way for me. It is those little actions, those little thoughtful sweet moments that tell me that I'm going to be alright.

It is those little a moments that the clockmaster uses to tell me to enjoy the now, and that tomorrow everything will work itself out.