I once again tried to attend college but just wasn't ready.  I needed stability and I needed to get out of my situation and provide for myself and my child.  I joined the Army.  My mother agreed to keep LoLo while I went to training for 5 months.  I excelled in the military.  It provided the structure I had so desperately needed all my life.  It allowed for no excuses and it helped me to grow up.  

Once reaching my duty station at Ft Bliss, TX at the end of April, 1990 I put in all the required documents to obtain post housing.  The government moves at it's own pace and it's never a speedy process to accomplish anything.  My mother called the next month and gave me an ultimatum:  I either take LoLo back immediately or I allow her and husband #4 to adopt.  I was blindsided and in a state of panic.  Luckily I was able to get on the emergency post housing list and I believe it was in June or early July that my mother drove LoLo down to me.    August 2 Kuwait was invaded and my mother had to come back for LoLo because my unit was to deploy to Saudi Arabia.

After my stay in the desert I returned to El Paso.  There were many nights spent drinking and I made plenty of poor choices during that time.  I was involved in a motorcycle accident that resulted in the death of a friend which left me in a really bad emotional space leading to even more poor choices, the worst being my first marriage.  Through a series of events I left the Army after 2 years 10 months and returned home just in time to enroll LoLo in Kindergarten.

My departure from the service and my return home was hard on LoLo.  I returned to a child who was resentful, hurt and suffered from abandonment issues that I was unable to explain away.  She was too young to understand and I don't feel as if it was her place to understand my problems and my issues.  She only knew that she had been wronged.  I didn't know how to make that right and spent many years going round and round with her.  My ignorance in the parenting arena caused me to react to her outbursts and what often ensued was a horrible battle of wills.  Both of them incredibly strong.  Through the separations I can honestly say that at the time I was doing what I thought was best for her  (which was not being with me). 

In retrospect I think part of my problem was that I didn't want her to grow up.  I wanted to turn back time and start over and make things right but you just can't go back.  Even as she grew up in front of my eyes I failed to see that she was growing up.  In my mind she was still that little girl with the blond curls.  My parenting was stunted and I just simply did not know how to interact with her as a parent.  I didn't know where the line was.  

I don't want to go into all the twists and turns over the years but there were plenty.  She has grown up to be a beautiful young lady inside and out.  We have what I consider to be a very good relationship now and I hope that continues.  It took me a very long time to correct the problems within myself and it took a lot of persistence on my part to forge that relationship and overcome her lack of faith and trust in me but I hope I have done that.  I believe she may have learned from some of my mistakes.  I know that I have.  The lessons were hard for me but I believe they were even harder for her.  Through it all the one constant is my love for her.  I'm so very glad that I didn't take the other paths that were offered up.

There's a Kenny Chesney song "There Goes My Life" that always reminds me of LoLo. (The link is a video) It never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

LoLo, I love you.

What followed was an endless series of days and nights that are a blur to me now.  I believe I had a slight case of the baby blues but sleep deprivation played a large role I'm sure.  I remained mentally detached for a short time period.  I went through the motions but lacked connection.  I didn't know how to parent.  All I had was my mother as a role model and that wasn't what I wanted for my child.  

**stay tuned for part 2

I've seen a lot of bloggage out there speaking about how it's still all about racism. Black History this, black history that--what about white history? I've heard that and I don't know what to say. It's obviously a statement made by white people but it seems to be a statement made by white people who forget that the last 200+ years has been all about the white people. 43 presidents until today have all been white. We live in a country that was founded, in part, as a way to avoid religious persecution. People wanted to be able to choose their own religion and not have it forced on them. Another draw was cheap land and the promise or opportunity to grow to be self sufficient while remaining free from the persecution and poverty. People worked together to achieve this common goal. Soon after the English arrived in America they realized working the land was hard and labor intensive. Slaves were purchased. Sold by their own people, Africans were shipped to this country against their will only to become property of the white man. Cheap and expendable labor. Ranked well below poor white trash on the social scale for nothing but the color of their skin. Because they were different. Because they were a commodity? It is beyond my grasp why this would be considered acceptable by people who came here to avoid persecution. I won't even address the horrible conditions and the horrible treatment of slaves by their owners. The very idea that one person can own another just escapes me.

I do not believe that I am responsible for slavery in America and I don't think I should be held accountable for what happened in the past. It's easy for those who were not victims of wrong-doing to say that it's in the past and that it shouldn't affect the future. I agree. It shouldn't. But it does. Circumstances and events change who we are. They change how we interact with people. They damage trust and they damage the future. In the grand scheme of things slavery is still in our very recent past--ending in appx 1865. It took nearly 100 years for black people to have the same basic rights as the rest of us. They were treated like second--or 5th class citizens. Even today there are plenty of people who dislike them based on prejudiced ideas or just plain old racism. Adults teach their kids to hate. Kids are not born with the ability to hate other people based on skin color. It's learned behavior. I hear a lot of talk about blacks being racist against whites. I see it as a defense mechanism--cautious behavior in a world that discriminates. The same opportunities are out there in theory but the black man is not greeted with the same acceptance as the white man. I see this. I recognize it. I wish it were different and it embarrasses me that it's not changed. Today I have a glimpse of hope for change. Hope that people will see past the color and look at the heart, at the actions and the meaning behind the words. Today is a history making day and we should all celebrate. We're not celebrating that a black man is taking office. We are celebrating the fact that we as a people are quite possibly moving past the ignorance of racism and allowing that the color of his skin doesn't matter to us. What matters is the sincerity in his heart and the possibility of positive changes for this country.

That being said, while I am not a black person I can certainly appreciate the pride of those African Americans who wanted to believe, who dared to believe it would one day be possible but honestly did not expect to see it happen in their lifetime. I've heard it said that many blacks voted for him just because he is black. I think while a certain number may have done so, I think that many people also voted for the alternative just for being white. I think that record numbers of black people voted because they finally felt a connection with the political world. I can't begin to imagine if the tables were reversed and we were looking at the first white man elected after a couple hundred years of black men.

I'm curious what Jesus would do. I think He'd be pretty accepting, regardless of skin tone