Hm. As most of you know I was dumped. By someone I was very much in love with. It sucks, it bites, it was the worst thing I ever experienced. And now I am just left so vulnerable? So open and needy. It's sick and disturbing.

I live my life deciding how I feel, what to do, and where to go. I am in control and no one can stand in my way, right? Right.

Today my heart sits in my stomach because I think too much. Too much about well, everything. Never enough about one thing.

I am just so satisfied with being myself, not caring what people have to say or what they all think. That's good, right? Well why did it suck so much when he said what he did? I hate being a girl, I think too much about things and way too far into things.

I am ready to move on with my life. College cannot come soon enough and when it arrives I just want to embrace it. Move on.

And another thing. Playing with my feelings really does bug me to death. And I suppose it does bug others as well. Which I suppose I am more than guilty of. But change is good! Change is very good.

Anyways. School sucks. Missing like 20 days has killed my average in every single class. Thank God I will soon have it all made up. If only I were disciplined or something. It's too easy to open starcraft or FaceBook. Perhaps a bit of My Space, Twitter, MSN, AIM, and Xfire, too. Oh yeah, and the constant texting, too.

Ever feel like has lost it's meaning? Ever wonder what it's like to feel? I'm about there. I felt so much yesterday, just happiness and freedom. I was away from home with a girl who used to be my best friend, kind of reconciling our friendship, and with my other awesome friend that I haven't hung out with a lot. Along with meeting tons of great people who just were so friendly, I had hope in the world. Oh my gosh, actual hope that everyone in the world wasn't as ignorant, dumb, and beyond annoying as the people that I am stuck with daily. Get me out of here. Dead or alive.

I just love feeling. This weekend was awesome. Made me think a lot. On Friday I was up at a show in Marietta with Adam, Tyler, Jeremy, Bennett, and James (along with others). While listening to this beyond passionate and intense music it hit me: this is what I need to do. I need to just let it all go, put all of my stress and energy into something. They do it, and it's so meaningful and you can see the passion and desire burning in their eyes and filling up their music. I just wish I had something like that. Sure, videos are definitely there. To that same degree. But it is so much harder to get a good video going, than it is to get a good song going. If that makes sense. And besides, my new HD 60 gb Hard Drive Canon Vixia doesn't work with my editing program because it captures .MTI footage (i.e. HD footage, versus regular footage). So I need to upgrade.

Costs money.

Money that I don't have to spend on THAT until Summer.

With my Lifeguard job.
My TV job.
My Smoothie King Job.
Maybe my video job (idk).

Regardless.
I feel changed. No idea why.
I feel friendly, passionate, motivated. I need to get out, see the world.

And another thing.
I hate being a girl. I freak out over little things. Definitely tend to get my heart stomped on. Lolz. But whatever. I'm a big girl, right? I can deal, feel, and seal it all up. Life is too short to take so seriously. Sometimes.

I just wish people would be real with me. I wish there was some sort of ethical honor code (weird, I thought there WAS). Treat others as you want to be treated.

Is it too much to ask for respect and for people to be honest?

I am a huge believer in fate. I believe everything happens for a reason and that you should never miss an opportunity. I fall to fast for things, ideas, and people and it generally ends badly.

Never regret to live, only live to regret. You get that?

From now on. Every opportunity. I am taking it.
I need this, I want this, and it's going to be mine.

I am tired of having people take advantage of my niceness, decide to walk all  over my face, and to stomp all over my ideas.

Anyways.
I had a very ADHD mind at the moment.
Blame the greeen tea.
Nom nom delicious.

I swear some days I hate everything.
Blah blah. Let me start out all of my blogs the same- the point is: nothing in my life is changing for the better permanently. There is always a balance between the good things and the bad things and lately the bad things have been gaining some weight. It is the most obnoxious thing ever.
I don't feel whole. If that makes any sense?
It's getting hard to feel things. Feel excitement, happiness, being scared.. it's to the point that I don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. At all.
On Tuesday I went and saw Emmure and the Higher as well as Emery, except I didn't get to see Emery [curse them for going on at 9:45pm]. And at Emmure I felt so.. relieved. I got in the pit, I threw some punches. I felt so amazing. So free. So reinvented.
Today we got to be "hypnotized" or whatever in Psych, and I just felt so weightless afterwards. I just felt like nothing was bothering me and everything was going to be okay.

But I just hate hate HATE when people make fun of things that are important to me. It hurts, it sucks, and I hate when people don't listen to what I have to say- well. No. I hate when people don't have the decency to let me finish a thought before yelling in my face about it and cutting me off midway. if I start something, let me finish before you attack me.
I was explaining to my Uncle and my Father and Stepmother my whole situation with Mrs. Gaston. And my uncle is a substitute [wah hoo, right?] and my father had the BRIGHT idea to say "Maybe he should be a permasub for her." And I was like "No. That would be the most... unbearable thing." And he was like "WHY NOT? I'll read the books and understand and be able to discuss." And I tried to explain how he couldn't read The Sound and the Fury because it's a difficult book and he wouldn't interpret it correctly. And he was like "What, why not? You can interpret it in so many ways and it's all right." And then my dad started getting in on it saying like "THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO INTERPRET EVERYTHING LOLZ LOLZ ROFLMAO!! LMAONADE! LOLZ!!!!!!!" And I was like "Guys- no you're not rig--" And here is my dad: "LOLZZZ LMAONADE LOLOL ROFLCOPTOR!!" And I was like "DAD! NO! YOU GUYS ARE WRONG, SHUT UP LET ME FINISH WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!" And of course everyone was uproaring in laughter so I just walked off pissed off an aggravated that they would not let me tell them that in Mrs. Gaston's eyes there is only ever ONE way to interpret a book correctly. And that they were being such fools thinking otherwise. :P

But that's not the point. The point is: My father is a big-headed, obnoxious, self-absobed jerk. People tell me I look like him, and that I am definitely from his side of the family. What a great thing to tell a girl who despises her father. LOLZZ! -.-

If I ever become anything like him.. I don't know what I would do. Being such a selfish jerk. Picture the jock of the school... That's my father. The jerk, the one who picks on the littlies, and the one who is so cocky that nothing can make their way into his mind. He ignores me and treats me like an idiot. Tells me that I can't handle all of my AP classes and my insane schedule. Wow thanks?

Aren't I supposed to think that? Isn't HE supposed to be the supporting parent who tells me that I can do anything and who will offer to help me out? I just find this whole thing ridiculous.

I hate knowing that my parents have no faith in me. How on earth is this supposed to help me in life? I need SUPPORT. Honestly? Am I over-reacting? I don't think I am. But I probably am.

I should be getting my period soon- And then my hormones will be all LOLCASEY SRY 4 BEING SO ROOD. God. I just hate feeling this way. So vulnerable to other people.. but I don't want to be callous, you know? Calous? WHatever. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I need people to function, everyone does, and it just hurts and sucks that I feel like no one is ever there. I don't even have time to hang out with any of my friends outside of school anymore.

OH LOL! Get this. My car. MINE! Came out of MY college fund, that you know- for 17 years I am being told that this is MY money and it is legally mine at the age of what, 18? For college, of course. Well 5 grand of that bought me a car. Therefore... I bought my car, right? Loopholes FTW. I pay the insurance. I pay for gas. I pay for everything with my car and my father thinks he has the right to just "ground" me from my car? I think that' a bit ridiculous. I have things to do. I am always out and on the go- I hate being at home before like 10pm/11pm on weekends. It's pointless not to abuse my late-night curfew, right?

I just really hate how I get treated here. And oh don't get me wrong- I know, and I am, that I should be thankful for having a life like mine and whatever, but sometimes you just need more.
I need a father who listens to what I have to say. Who doesn't cut me off when I have to say something. Who isn't so cocky and who will hear me out. Who doesn't tell me that I can't do it. Who tells me he believes in me. Who doesn't forget every last thing I tell him. I can't stand this house, I can't stand when people just ignore important things I have to say. i.e.:

Me: "Dad, I am going to go to Devons house to sleep over tomorrow after the game"
Dad: "okay!"

Dad: "CASEY WHERE ARE YOU? CALL ME!!! NOW OR UR GROUNDED LOLZ!"
Me: "Dad.. I told you yesterday that I am sleeping at Devons after the game.."
Dad: "YOU NEVER TOLD ME! YOU BETTER BE HOME AT 9AM TOMORROW! UR IN TRUBLE!"
Me: "WTF DAD? DIAF!"

I swear... I thought living with a bipolar, manic depressive mom would be difficult? Liveing with a godforsaken alsheimer-like patient is unbearable.

In ways I feel bad for him, but in ways I feel too trapped to care anymore. I'm 17. Sure, I'm not 18 but mainly all of my friends are. I am probably the most mature kid my age these days. I have morals- strong ones. I don't drink, do drugs, have sex, or lie most of the time. I don't do illegal things and go to weird places and am generally upfront about what I did/am doing and where I went/am going. I just hate being treated like a child, but by definition I am one. And I hate this.

This being trapped thing. I just want to move out into Atlanta already. Take my college fund and tell my parents to go screw themselves and fly to Sweden and just reinvent myself.

Childish wishes, childish dreams, childish hopes....
My teenage angst is so overrated.
I'll be so over this tomorrow.

I mean, life is scattered. Scattered like leaves in the wind or a glass heart fallen to the floor. Life hurts like a beesting to the nose or a metal bat to the face. Ideas make us think, make us feel, and help us to figure out who we are.
The more we think- the more we know about ourselves.
I'm worried for myself. I'm worried for the world.
This year has been the hardest year I have ever had to deal with.
From having the best life I could ever imagine in December- the having the worst life I could ever think about in May. To being very content and realizing that I have matured and grown as a person- as an adult right now.
This summer I got a car, a license, an awesome job, and I don't have that many close friends anymore. Which I think is a good thing.
Life is frazzling my mind. Boys boggle my heart. Friendships confuse my feelings.
One day I will be content, the next I need more. After that I am never sure.
I'm starting to get that whole feeling again. I like feeling whole. I am just so tired of waking up in the morning and feeling so empty in my heart, my mind, and my soul.
There's no one in Lawrenceville like me, and it's really hard to find people to connect with on an awesome level of friendship.
I lost all of my best friends this year because of my horribleness, selfishness, irritability- by just being everything I never wanted to be. If everyone knew how unbelievably sorry I am for putting any and everyone through my emotional challenges.. I am. It's not fair and no one deserved to get caught up in my life.
But at the same time I am so thankful that certain people were there are certain times- and that is something I will never forget.
It hit me on Thursday while I was at the mall when some guy that I had beef with in Elementary school totally bypassed me while I caught his friends and talked with them about Loaf Fest.
How long can you/should you hold a grudge? What is the point in it?
Sure- we've all screwed up, and who HASN'T?
I just am so over the whole drama scene when we talk badly about each other, stir up some stuff, and ultimately ruin someone's life for the time being.
I mean- psychologically doesn't everythign we do, think, and say affect [effect? WTF GRAMMAR] us somehow?

It does. And it sucks.

The Butterfly Effect.

I just want everyone to know how sorry I am for anything I migh have ever done.
That I forgive anyone and everyone who has done anything wrong to me because it's all right. It's okay.
And that I think everyone is important and that they can come to me for anything.

Thank you all- Seriously.
<3

I am a walking contradiction.
I don't take crap from anyone.
I believe heavily in Karma.
I struggle daily with the values behind life and spirituality.
I don't understand everything.
I do understand the human mind.
I am disgusted by human nature.
I am very open-minded, yet I am very stubborn.
I think I am a good listener.
I try to be a good person.
I don't always think before I act.
I don't care what people think about me.
I do care when people have the wrong idea of me.
I am very disgusted by whorish people.
I work at Smoothie Kang.
I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel alone.
I have my problems, but who doesn't?
I have a horrible fear of commitment.
I have a ridiculous fear of the unknown.
I am an insomniac.
I view myself as an individual, but don't all teenagers?
I am molding myself into who I want to be.
     Don't judge me while I stumble and trip.
I fall for guys easily, and I get over them even faster.
I feel like I don't have the "caring" gene sometimes.
I don't give into peer pressure.
I am a pretty settled person.
I don't take crap from anyone.
I am always the first to apologize.
I always feel guilty even when things aren't my fault.
I feel guilty that humans are how we are.
I feel guilty that people die daily.
I have the most exaggerated conscious ever.
I live two lives.
I don't think that happiness is ever achieved.
I complain too much.
I am pretty confident in myself.
I know what is wrong with me, and I don't bother fixing it.
I think everyone acts a certain way and there is no changing it.
I think changing yourself for other people is retarded.
Once a whore, always a whore.
Once you doubt yourself, good luck believing in yourself ever again.
I will always be a friend to you no matter what has happened in our pasts.
I have more on my mind than I think I can comprehend.
Sometimes I feel like my heart stops beating.
I sometimes view myself from the outside.
I analyze myself a lot.
I think I overthink everything I do and say.
I think everything happens for a reason...
and so far they have all been clear to me.

I like to look at the cup as half full.
I hate being pessimistic.
I cannot wait to get away from my family.

Ohh whoop-de-doo. Another dumb emo blog posted by yours truly, Casey Ann Screwup.
Where to even begin this one. I am so.. disgusted by myself. You know? Ever get to the point where you don't even like yourself and you pretty much figure out why no one likes you? Yeah. Let's see. I am MORE than satisfied with a few friendships that have ended. My life is so much less dramatic. GRANTED next year is going to be my own personal hell with all of those haters at school with me, but whatever. My life- they live in. Characters in this play that is my life. Whether harbingers, villains, or innocent bystanders, everyone has had a role.

I don't know what my problem is lately, though. Honestly I have never been more embarrassed of myself. My irrational lashing out on everyone, my dumb screaming, and my self pity that feeds off of other people's approval. Is that not sick? I think it is.

I know I am happier, yet I feel empty. I haven't been eating a lot lately. I haven't been sleeping much. I feel like crap most of the time, and I hardly get off of the computer. I hate my father. I hate my mother. And my grandparents are naggy people who wont stop letting me forget every mistake I have ever made in my whole freaking life. I suppose this is normal- teenage angst, how cliche. But it's seriously making me so weak in the process of working away at everything that ever meant anything to me.

My mother is a psycho, as previously mentioned. She is crazy and the reasons for not living with her are obvious. So where to go? My dad's house? Awesome.

Except for the fact that he is OLD and forgets EVERYTHING. I feel so bad for him, but his annoying attitude makes me even sicker. I hate the movements he makes. Who honestly hates movements? It's retarded. We were talking and he was like itching his arm and I wanted to scream at him to STOP ITCHING HIS DUMB ARM. He wasn't looking at me when I was talking to him and I wanted to punch him. He looked at me and I wanted to slap him. Just every freaking move he makes makes me more irritated and pissed off. And he is trying to talk to me like I am still a 3 year old. What the heck is that? I tell him something and he always forgets. He doesn't remember a thing. I try and talk to him and he either walks away from me  or interrupts me with something of his own to say. I mean it's understandable to do that every so often,. but every time I try to say something serious he shrugs it off.
Sorry you weren't a part of my life for the past 9 years? Sorry you never had to raise a child? If I am so much of a burden then just kcik me out or something.

So tonight I snapped at him and started going off on all of these promises and things I have told him and he has made and told me and blah blah never went through. And I ended up stomping up the stairs and slamming my door. I know, so second grade. I'm acting like a child because he's treating me like one? No. Maybe because I am just so pissed off with everyone that facing anything like an adult is just not working out for me now, anyways. Why not just act like an immature child and hold my breath until I'm blue? At least that gets some kind of attention, and maybe that's what I need or something. Attention. ha. Sounds conceited. But obviously no one pays attention when I just shuffle along. Whatever.
I just cannot handle this anymore at all, sure teenage life is difficult. We mold ourselves into our ideal person. And the person we become at this age is HARD to shake off as we grow older. We are defining ourselve so that when we reach college we can just look around and figure out if it's somewhere we belong or not. We are defining ourselves! And I hate who I feel I am becoming.

Maybe I need to be exorcised.
:P

In all reality.
I have never felt lonlier. I have never felt so.. not together. Never felt so.. misplaced in society. I just need to get out of here.

I feel like such a ditz. I say the same things in each blog, yet I don't have the nerve to do anything. Or the knowledge. Not even the tools.

I mean maybe it would be better off if I killed myself, like a few special people keep saying behind my back.
WHICH NEWS FLASH- I think that is the lowest thing you could possibly ever say or think about ANYONE.

No matter how much I have ever hated someone.. I would honestly expect after like.. three or more years of friendship.. BEST friendship that thought would NEVER cross someone's mind. It's just.. a shame.
But whatever.
You're all forgiven, you know.
If you think thoughts like that- you need every break you can get.

I am so.
uncomfortable.
I hate this world today.
I hate the people, motivations-- I just can't stand this crap anymore.
No one does anything for themse;f anymore- it's all to fit the "cool" factor, or to impress this person, or to befriend THAT person.
I just wish everyone would shut up about what they want people to do and let them figure it out for themselves.

I pity so many people in this world.
I honestly do.
And not for sensable things like No money, or poor education. But for simple things like...
Look at that girl. She puts up a front for everyone, but on the inside she just doesn't let anyone in too close to care for.
Or

Look at that girl. She is so insecure with herself that she has to please everyone around her to feel the tiniest bit secure.



I just don't feel like doing anything anymore.
No point in doing anything, anyways.

I mean. I can, right? What on earth has she done for me? She's given me her disorders, she has taken away my childhood, she has discouraged me from living the life that I want to lead, and she's been a real pain in the butt from the get-go.
Mainly I am avoiding the fact that I blame myself. You know? I blame myself for everything that happens.
I'm noan idiot. I know what I choose to say are my own words, and it's not like someone is placing them there. I know what I do are my own actions, I'm not some puppet on a string. And I know that I control my own heart, which has never been so hurt lately thanks to myself.
I just know in my heart that I am exactly the person I would never be freinds with, and the truth is I hate it. I have for years and years. But you know, I'm just a freaking emotional wreck 24/7 and I can never get the boost to just be a HAPPY emotion. It's always sad.
Why the heck am I so freaking pessimistic. I don't MEAN to be, but it happens. I am sick of it. I am sick of living this way. I know I have control, but for some reason I know that I don't.
If I could name all of the people I have pissed off in the past 2 weeks, you guys would think I am the most horrible person in the whole world- which I pretty much think that's my mindset right now, and it has been for a very long time.
I am not good with emotion. At all. I just can't deal with it. The human race disgusts me in all fashion, and I am just so sick of being a part of this STUPID species.
We're all greedy, selfish, and moody. I am trying to hard lately to not be those things. I slipped up twice in the past 2 weeks, and I think I have a pretty freaking good reason to.
I blame my mother. What the heck has she ever done that's good for me!? She gave birth to me. Wow thanks- so she could single handedly screw up my life? I hate her, I hate what she gave me, and I hate that I can't get rid of it- and I hate that it's controlling my life.
I am so bad with words in person, you know? I can never find the right ones, or what I think in my head comes jumbled out a lot. It's like.. very.. weird. I mean I have no idea if anyone notices that I struggle when I talk. What the heck is that, right?
I wish I knew. I know life isn't supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies, but I mean can't a girl catch a break?
In under 6 months I have turned my life upside down and lost almost everyone who has ever meant anything to me.
My mom, My grandparents, my best friends [except 1], and my dog. I know, right? Blah blah.
Does this b*tch ever shut up about her dumb life?
No. I don't. I'm a happy person, I swear it. But sometimes things rattle me a lot and this is one of those times.
I just have never had anyone there that was 100% there for me, except one or two people. It's very hard for me to open up to people and that's my own problem. I know- but no one needs to call me out on it when I know that exactly.
I also hate when people just leave you behind, you know?
You have two bad days and all of the sudden they are "sick" of you. Come on. I have a little right to be a little upset. Don't you think!?
However dramatic this is, I don't think I involve anyone in my drama. I am going through a VERY hard time lately, and I just need someone who is there for me. And the first 2 people I turn to just turn their heads and walk away. What am I supposed to think? I'm hurting harder than I have have before, and maybe I just need someone to hold my hand through this, you know?
I need some reassurance that everything WILL be fine, and I am not an idiot for still being here.
I am sorry that I am not perfect, and I am sorry that I am like this. These are two factors that I cannot change.
I honestly CANNOT change them. Unless I took soem type of drug or something, but I am not going to change the way I am- because this is exactly how I was supposed to live life. I am supposed to FIND the drug, and I hate how people keep stepping on me, and pushing me farther down the stairs. I JUST WANT TO GET TO THE TOP ALREADY. I was there, you know? I was. Late last year I was at the top of my game. I had so many friends, everything was perfect, optomistic view, I had no depression, I forgave everyone who ever crossed me.
And yet it still blows up in my face. I must have some freaking ridiculous Karma for this crap. Which I can understand, because I am the most horrible person in the world, you may know.
Blah.
To one person I completely ignored them in all aspects. I never answered any phone calls, and I just never wanted to deal with them because I had to open up with emotion. I can't do that easily, not unless I trust you in ever aspect. Well I just avoided him and one night confronted him. We talked yadda yadda and then he said some things that I thought were hurtful and I don't want to talk to him anymore. Karma, right? RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT? I know. I should have just talked to him straight away and then hen he said something I found to be rude or whatever just said "I don't appreciate that" or something. You know? See. My fault, I know.
One person I completely blew up at because it wasn't me that she wanted to defend. But I mean I had my reasons for picking fights, you know? I think this may be one friendship that I had to end and I saw exactly why. Without me in the picture... her and her best friend could get a lot closer- which they did, thank you very much. I think that may be one good thing I have done- but you know. I have a problem with this:

Sometimes I love people so much- that I will give them up just so they can be happy.

Sick, right? I don't think so. Two people have I done that to lately. Two people in about 3 weeks, and yeah it is hard as crap to deal with because you love them- either in a friendship way or romantic way- it's going to be hard.
And I know it. But if it is something that I feel is right, then I will do it, you know? I'm not that selfish that I will hold onto people that I cannot help. That I cannot make happy. That I cannot please. Everything happens for a reason, right? WELL WHERE THE HECK IS MINE?
Another person I cared about so much as a friend, and then they completely wrote me off- hardly talked to me and whatnot. It didn't phase me that they DIDN'T WANT TO talk to me until they called me and yelled at me for some bogus rumor. In essence- that rumor was a good thing. Not that I ever said it or anything, but so I mean she had a legit reason to write me off. Let her believe what she wants to- but if she honestly thought that I would say something like that openly in public- she's definitely mistaken. So whatever- I as made free of her friendship, and that doesn't bother me anymore, because I know that I am and always will be here for her whether she accepts it or not.
They can dish out their drama, but they sure and heck can't take it, nawimean?
Another person I hooked up with someone I Loved dearly. Too bad that person was a guy, who then became interested in that girl. My two friends- liking each other. One of which I have been friends with for 4 years and pretty much had feelings for, and another of which I'd known for about 10 years, who is/was one of my best friends. Another case of loving someone so much that you had to give them up? Yeah something like that.
So. I dealt with it, I got a little jealous- who honestly would not be? In all honesty- I know their motives behind it. One is trying to honestly get over someone in this way, and one is just so vulnerable right now that she needs someone to latch onto. It's true. And I know in my heart that they wouldn't mesh well, but yet I see it happening and I can do is just support it. I am not going to be one of those girls who controls all of her friends and feeds stories to them.
Well. My rough patch lately, you know? I have needed some friends to just let stuff out to. Well just so happens that I complain to that boy to that girl who talks to that boy. I mean- who else am I supposed to talk all of this out with? Devon might not always be around, and most of my friends just went down the tube.
In all honesty- I have no problem with them 2 together because I love them both enough to know that if each other would make them more happy than I ever could then I am just going to step down. I mean why try and mess this crap up.
However I did. Because I let out my emotions after a very fun night with my guy friend. Who I was pretty sure I had feelings for and have for a few years, right? Well I know I am so much of an idiot that I shouldn't have been holding this in, you know? I am not unaware of my idioticness. And yet he blew up in my face about it. He apologized but you know at that point it was pretty much useless and he got mad at ME after that.
And the worst part is is that afterwards that girl started complaining to me that I complained too much.

My bad.
I know that.
I just am so unhappy with everything lately, that I am really finding it hard to look on the bright side.
I just need someone there for me all of the time, that may be selfish, but I have had my fair share of being NOT selfish, so I deserve this little bit.

And that is pretty much all I have to say.
Sorry for screwing everyone over lately, this is how it seems in my head, and I don't understand why people think otherwise.

As for starting drama... I don't believe I ever have. I have gone face-to-face with someone and openly discussed my emotions, and afterwards totally dropped them. I hate drama to the core. I just cannot stand it- it is so pointless.
Which is exactly why I never speak a word of what people who have done something to me to anyone else. No bad words that haven't already been said have passed my lips.
Yeah- I can honestly say that, can you?

I don't pick fights with people, unless I see the light at the end of tunnel, because for them it'll bring happiness, as for me it might not. But at least I feel a bit better knowing that I did it for the better of them, and not me.
I have a lot to say, and a lot on my mind and I find it easy to blog about this stuff, because then people can read it if they want to, and can totally disregard it if they want to.
And that's all I have to say about that.

I love you guys, still. Honestly and forever.
Thanks for the memories, you know?
Even if none of you ever forgive me again, know that in every aspect I have forgiven you, and your forgiveness is all I can ask.
Even if it's just frogiveness and no friendship, I can deal with that.

I don't understand anything.
I don't understand why people leave me.
Why people stop caring for me.
Why people leave me when I need them the most.
Why people can make me cry my heart out and still not care about me.
Maybe I'm struggling for acceptance.
Somewhere- anywhere.

I don't feel accepted.
I have tons and tons of friends, right?
So why do I feel so rejected.

My own family has rejected me.
And I think that that is the worst feeling ever.

My life has been spiraling downward for as long as I can think.

My life was so unbelievably perfect in December.

And then I went to live with my freaking mother.

My dog died, My brother left, I moved in with my mother, my classes changed,  I didn't have a "guy" anymore, all I had were my friends. And some of them neglected me a little.

Forever to be wasting away in my room at the mother's house.
And for what?
For what anymore?
I don't understand what I am supposed to be waiting for.
Waiting on. It's not like anyone is going to come in and save the day anymore. There is no one left.
No one left to stand by me 100%.
No one I can confide in 100%.
No one THERE 100%.
No one who will agree with me 100%.

I need my 100% friend. I just do.
I have friends, and I always see things differently from all of them. Maybe I will confide something so secret in a friend and she WILL blab it everywhere. They always do. And I HATE IT!

That's why I have a journal. My journal.
I write everything I feel in it and it will never tell anyone. It will never give me feedback telling me I'm an idiot. And it will ALWAYS agree with me.

I suppose maybe my journal would be my best friend now.

I don't know.

I just feel so confused and frustrated.
I like being alone. I like being able to think. I like sitting in the quiet. I hate being frazzled and constantly talked to.

I hate when people talk smack behind other people's backs.
Everyone does it, though. Even if you don't mean to. AND everyone has that friend who stirs up drama.
I can name her in a split second.
And I hate that about her. That's why I will neevr tell her anything because if I do she just spits it back out to someone else and it get's all scrambled and what I was thinking is now totally lost in some high school rumor.

Rumors. They ruin peoples lives, reputations, and hearts.
Why even listen? Honestly?
Why can't people just talk straight to my face. I wish it was that simple.

I can't talk to people's faces. I know that. It's not my fault, I just don't trust my mouth. I say a lot of things- most of which I will never mean. I get overemotional because I am constantly upset with something or other and I can crack at any second.

I hate myself for being so overemotional. I hate myself for being so apparently unlikable. I hate myself for being myself because apparently people don't accept THAT anymore.

I hate this one girl because she always starts drama. BFF to your face and BACLSTABBER behind your face.? That made sense in my mind. She stirs up drama and tells everyone everyone elses business. She needs to stop that crap already. And if you figure this is you- well then, if you can recognize that HERE- why don't you go ahead and recognize it in your REAL life and change that nasty habit. It's disgusting.

So- back to my family. For anyone who cares here it goes:

My mother: Hates me, wont talk to me, wont look at me, call me, try to contact me, tell me anything.
I don't really care that much, and is that so bad?
So because of our falling out I moved in with my dad again.

My grandparents: Were amazing until My grandma started talking about my mom and I made a joke I guess she thought wasn't funny. So later that night my grandfather calls me and "Cuts me off from the family."

So. Well. They're jerks. He said "I don't appreciate what you said and from what I have been hearing from your mother, and the fact that you moved back in with your father you're cut off. JUST CUT OFF FROM THIS FAMILY" And hung up.

I don't even remember what the heck I did.

My father and step-mom: keep making promises they can't keep. My father constantly nags me for everything I do wrong and never once congratulates me for something I do right. I can't stand all of this negativity. I just can't.
They never care what I have to say and sometimes my dad will just stand up while I'm talking and leave for a minute and come back. I mean come on.

I can't talk to ANYONE.
I can't stand living at any one of these houses.
I just hate this family. I need out. I want out.

I can't do this for another year and a half. I just can't.

And to make everything worse some STUPID rumor about something that I alledgly said about Giovanna is going around and she's making crap up like that I never denied it, like I never said "I never said that." Which I am 700% sure I never freaking said.
Whatever. Everyone can think what the darn well PLEASE. And I will just reflect on what stupid lies I've believed in the past.

Friendship is a joke- what's the point if they wont support you?

There is a time where you have to let people go.
I mean- you have to let go of boyfriends, lovers, best friends, regular friends.. it's ap rt of life. You can't have the same people there forever.

And this is my time.
So to everyone I'm not currently "friends" with.
i.e. not talking to me, wont look at me, has talked about me behind my back.. ever.

Eff you.
Eff you and burn in hell.
I'm sick of you.
I am oh so sick of you.
I don't think I could be any more disgusted in how you treated you and how you just rejected me in a snap.
How you have to "defend" people to their face- everyone BUT ME, right? You can't defend ME to my face?
I don't think i could be any more disgusted in how you find all of this drama making any fun, you filthy want to be whore. Why don't you just keep your nose out of business that is NOT your own. Stop talking about me. So my life is so disasterous that you have to talk to EVERYONE about me? Tough crap. Get a better life.

I am so disgusted in how you handle yourself, talk about yourself, and view yourself. How you single-handedly can turn people on me. How many has this made, you slut whore cunt gosh if I cussed I'd call you a bitch. You fooled me once- shame on me. Fooled me twice? shame on you. Just SHUT UP about EVERYTHING. No one CARES. Why don't you just shut up for once?! Stop talking smack, stop starting crap, and stop dissing your own self, and stop whining. If this is who you truly are then GOOD RIDDANCE! I'm glad we're not friends. I am so glad that you took it so well when we decided not to be friends anymore when I cried so hard. Because you were one of my best friends. And you never shed a tear or anything? Do you know how HARD that was for me to handle? On my OWN? And to think that someone got you back into her life.. and I didn't.
You make me want to choke.



So. To put this at a close.
High school makes you recognize things you never wanted to.
This is my complaining rambling pissy blog.

If you are offended by anything I said- TOUGH CRAP.
I will never take any of it back- just like I'll never take any of YOU back.

Die.
Inafire.

And no I don't feel I have to say who any of these people ar to any of my readers. Why? Because they care so little to say things to my face so why should I?

And I honestly don't care if they don't reasd this little blog because it was never written for them, for you, or anyone else. Only for me.

I'm a strong woman. I can stand up for myself.

GROW UP.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
And then maybe we can chat.


LOLNOT.

I'm a cold hearted girl.
And that's just the way I like it.

Looking.
Wanting.
Longing.
Knowing.
Crying.
Dying.
Living.
Flying.
Singing.
Dancing.
Collapsing.
Gasping.
Flittering.
Fluttering.
Filing.
Quitting.
Winning.
Forfeiting.
Shouting.
Screaming.
Tasting.
Thinking.
Sighing.
Breathing.
Breaking.
Giving.



Up.


I need to get out of here. In general.
High school is bogus.
I hate how people make fun of other kids for being temsekves. [i.e. dissing their style, hair, clothes, ideas, etc.]
How cool are you?
You can completely tear someone down for being themselves and not following the scene.
And the second someone breaks away from the fad, The trend. Falls a little behind.


Their world stops?
Because everyone forgets them.
No one wants them.
Everything was a lie.
What the heck was the truth?

What's the point in living this way if everything is such a freaking lie?

High school is so.. retarded.
Yeah. That's the word I would use. Fully.

Grow up. We're going to college in a year.

GROW UP.
 Get some respect.
Earn some points in your favor.
Get over yourself.
In 2 years I wont remember you and you wont remember me.
Why do you have to be such a freaking drama queen.
Be friends with anyone and everyone. Make it enjoyable.
I hate thinking I am the only person who wants to have fun.


And I am struggling so badly to find something fun.

It's a chore to breathe now. Every single day. I can;t find excitement. Honesty. Someone worth wasting my time on as a friend or otherwise.

Except for a handful of people. Everyone else is just.. regulated by human emotions.

Greed. Lust. Hate. Love.

Just see the bright side in things.
Don't complain about anything unless you have the ability to change it and the willpower to do so. Otherwise what is the POINT in complaining?

Write about it in your journal. Like I do. No one cares.

I know that now.

No one cares to hear about your stupid issues with whomever and whatever.
Unless you are seeking advice. Or you plan on changing the current status.

School is in your life. SO shut up about it and work hard or go home. Don't complain.

"I hate school. But I don't want my GED. UGH. That teacher sucks and like that homework? Oh my gosh what the hecckkkk mann."

We're all guilty of it. I do it more than a lot of other people.
But what is the point in it? I can't change anything. I want to graduate and go to college. Live with a friend or two and work my way through college. I was to experience life.
Live fully.
And I could do it a lot more cheerfully without your constant complaining.

Honestly? I know you are not the only one with problems. And I complain a LOT. But at least I realize it. Do you?
I'm changing the way I think about life. My outlook.
In 2 years I am gone. I am free to do whatever I want to do.
So I don't see the point in making the journey rough.

If you get in the way of my dreams.
If you can't stop complaining.
If you follow the corwd.
If you can;t make your own choices.
if you're too boy-crazed to care what I have to say when something exciting happens in MY life.


Then step off.
I swear I have no idea who half of you are anymore.
Different people. Completely.
I don't mind it. I'm glad to know how you truly act before I waste any more time on your friendship.

I don't need it. I don't WANT it. I am sick of it.

I;m going to hermit my way through school. I will talk to whomever is willing to talk to me. But the second you start to chew me out or make me feel like crap when I have done absolutely nothing to deserve that petty treatment... do not expect me to lash out in anger. Don't expect me to cry. Don't expect me to cause a fit. Show a scene.

I'm just going to look at you. Think where you'll be in 5 years. Shake my head and walk away.

I know who tries to succeed in life. I know who gets taken care of in life. I know who wants to be here, and I know who deserves to be treated fairly. And nicely. Treated like a person, and needs to be appreciated. Loved.

It's not a secret to anyone.
There are no secrets.
Stop hiding from the world and just be yourself for once.
So who cares who likes you in high school?
How many of these people will you honestly EVER see again in your life?

Now is the time to discover yourself. Not get caught up in the current. Express your emotions.
Be outgoing.

Wasting away in the shadows is a poor way to escape life.

Headstrong. Live fast.
Life has it's ups and it's downs. There is nothing you can honestly do about it.

And if you can. Shut up about it and CHANGE it.

All this childish and insignificant bickering is just destroying people.

Flashback to 2 years ago.
What happened to you?
Did you get caught up in the wave of boys, make up, gossip, lies, sex, drugs, and alcohol? Or did you choose those paths?

Either way is fine with me. I just want to know that YOU made those choices.
That YOU want to end up like this.

Everyone is so "love-obsessed" and seriously- we're in high school.
Not many people have that "high school sweethearts" thing going for them.
And it doesn't happen a lot. You are in school to learn.
I mean we get out at 2:10pm. You can seriously have your own social life then,. IN fact most of you SLEEP until then, anyways.

Whiles some of us lay awake- restless. Caught in our own nightmares of things that we never imagined would happen to us in a million years.
Crying so hard that you stop breathing for a few solid minutes. While you think of every single mistake you made and why exactly you are where you are today.


I'm sick of everyone. Everything.
I can't find excitement anywhere and I am miserable most of the time.
No i am not clinically depressed or whatever.
You know I'm a happy person at heart and I know it, too.
Don't you?


Don't I?

I am so sick of being the only person who is like me.
And I don't see why people don't see things my way. But I can't force you to see anything my way. I know that.

I hate when people push beliefs on me. And when people judge me. When people assume the worst.
And I do it ALL THE TIME.

Human nature is a web of lies and a tangle of hypocrisies.
A mess of greed and a blood thirsty need for love and passion.

Everyone's final goal is to be successful. To have found their true love. To be needed. Wanted. Don't think you are so special.

I am the most irritable and uncontrollable person. I get mood swings and I just have my days. I know I do. And I get mad at people for everything I do.

As Humans we don't want to admit we're wrong. We don't want to admit that we are at fault for anything.
But I am at fault for so many things. SO MANY THINGS.
I can;t blame anyone for my unhappiness but myself.
My mind works differently. I see things from a third person perspective sometimes.

I know when I am wrong. But I will fight until I can legitimately be proven wrong.

I've been writing this dumb blog/post thing for a good 20 minutes now.

If you read it. Thanks.
If you didn't. Thanks.

I'm not here to make people read this crap.
I'm here to give my input. And frankly I do not care what you say.
If I want advice, feedback, or your input I will gladly ask "WHAT DO I DO?"

But I don't care.
I'm here for my own enjoyment. Not to piss anyone off. Because hey- this is my mind. You're just so fortunate as to be reading it.

It really means a lot if you care what I have to say.

I'm not here to make a point. State some facts.
I find this whole thing stupid, actually. Just something I do to vent out. Without talking someones ear off for 5 hours.


Or 2 like I did to Amber earlier [sorry].

With that said.
I'm done here.

Everyone else is changing. So why don;t I?
Good part is. I'm changing for the better. I'm looking forward with my glass half full. Looking for excitement.



And I'll be damned if I stop living before I find it.

I can't stand my mother any more.

This is really getting old.

She'll change, right?
Right.


In the mean time..
My father wont leave me alone about my schoolwork. As if I am not trying hard enough.

Let's see. AP, HONORS, AP, GIFTED.
Be proud of me, stop saying that I can do better.

I just want to edit films, ALL AP CLASSES [which I will be doing next year] really isn't required.

Let me lead my own life. Sure. You're trying to help.

My fate is in the hands of someone greater than you or I.
If my calling is somewhere else, then just let me go.


Boys.
I don't understand.
It's so hard to find a guy who respects my morals and is pure.

I'm about to just stop looking and let people come to me I guess.


We got AVID today at school!
For all of you who have no idea what AVID is, it's the most.. epic editing software ever.
It's like.. exactly what the freelance editors use, and college students do, too.
It's pretty much pro. Which is stellar as anything!

It works so smoothly. I stayed after with Mrs. Patience and we fooled around with it while the Avid guy was teaching us.

It's heaven on earth. My own little sanctuary.

My videos are going to own.
Ahh.
My future is coming into focus.

Isn't that great?




I wont let ANYONE stand in my way.
And.

You are amazing. All of you.
Never let anyone tell you differently.

You don't know how fragile my emotions are right now.
You cannot understand the pain I feel every time I look in the mirror.
I run away from my problems, I know. I have. For as long as I can remember. You don't need to shun me, treat me differently. I did nothing to you. Literally nothing. Was it my ignoring people in general spell? It wont go away, so don't waste your breath. I need a new start. A clean slate.

I need to start over, gain some ground- then move along.

Here.
Find out who you are.

- I thought you were different. Really. Sorry I got freaked out, I really did like you. But you know what I blew it. I can't stand myself right now and you just pushed me. Sorry that I pushed back harder. Nothing personal towards you. Everything Personal towards me.  I warned you- OH I warned you. I guess I got hurt in the end. And oh boy, it does surely suck.

- You have no idea what is going on, too wrapped up in your own life to the point that we hardly talk anymore. Maybe I am wrapped up in mine. I miss you, I miss talking to you. I miss time.

- We used to hang out all the time, I trusted you with my life and I feel you trusted me with yours. We could talk for hours but now the words escape my mind and my neck just chokes. I feel alone.

- I trusted you so much. I called you all the time just wanting to vent, or just cry, and you listened sometimes. Sometimes you just ignored, told me it was stupid. You have insulted me more than anyone ever has. To my face and behind my back, I can't stand it. You put people down to raise yourself up in the eyes of others and it is a nasty habit to have. I know you are a great person, I know you have a wonderful heart, and I know you deserve to get treated a lot better than you have bee. Maybe my friendship helped a little, maybe it hurt a lot. I cared about you to the point that I considered you one of my best friends and I felt I could trust you. Trust is hard to come by.

- I don't feel like I can trust you I feel like you would betray me. You have before, I trusted you, too. One of my best friends, and one of the most influential people in my life. I feel that I helped you so much,and you helped me a lot to see the goodness in myself. You helped me more than I think you will know. I have hurt you so much, and I am sorry for that. It's not something I feel I have control over. Sometimes I just... can't handle it. I want you to know how sorry I am, and how sorry I am that this has to end.

- For years you have been there, completely oblivious to all this, and I feel so close to you yet. I tell you a lot of things, and I love when we spend time together. You are a great friend. We have the BEST times together, and I do feel like I can forget everything. You are so supportive and wonderful. You are great, I hope you know.

- Best friends for almost 3 years now, right? We always talk about that. I needed you and you were there for me 100%. Even if you didn't want to be. You let me complain and pry and just be really annoying. That's what is great about you. You share a lot with me and I am so grateful for that, because it just makes me feel like I can trust you more.

- I feel like I have ignored you lately, and I hate that. Not just lately, though... for a long time. I just love talking to you, but then sometimes I don't feel like talking for so long. You are a great person, and a wonderful friend. I look forward to spending time with you soon.


Whatever. That is all I can bear to write.