A truly historic moment took place this week.

Vermont became the fourth state to pass gay marriage, though the first to do so by a vote of the legislature instead of having it be imposed by the courts.

Vermont joins Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Iowa as states that have dared to do the proper thing and bring equal rights to all Americans to marry the person they love and want to be with for the rest of their lives. If we cannot do this, what rights do we have?

Please join me in celebrating this historic occasion, and in looking forward to seeing all 50 states eventually become so enlightened. Write the President, your Congressman, Governor, and State legislators and tell them that we need marriage equality and we need it now.

Ah yes, this fight for freedom will not be easy, my friends. There will be those who will give myriad reasons why we need to continue to treat some of our fellow citizens as though they were second class. Even if you are straight as an arrow as I am, remember that no one truly has freedom or rights unless all of us do. This is the new civil rights revolution. 45 years ago, we were told that blacks could not be equal (interracial marriage wasn't even legal in most of the US until 1967!! Nor could blacks vote in much of the South until 1965). 90 years ago, we were told that women could not be equal (women could not vote until 1920).

Now, with the final triumph of equality in allowing access to the instutition of marriage to all, we will have finally fulfilled the dreams of Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, and all others who fought and died for our rights.

Where did you come from?
How did you know just what to say?
What to do, to sweep me away
Just when all was lost, there you were
You saw the one no one else could see.
Deep down, the hidden person yearning to break free
You get me. Even when I don't get myself.
You know me, when others judge, you go the extra mile.
You set my heart alight.
Thank you for taking the time and putting in the effort.
I don't make it easy, but you don't care.
You don't see the one they see, you just see me, the real me.
The person I always wanted to be.
Thank you.

Ok, so that was cheesy as hell, but it's the only way I could express how I feel right now. Though I've just started down this journey, it feels like I've been on it forever. I'm still trying to get used to the whole idea, the concept of being loved, cared for, and adored by a special someone. I know I will make mistakes along the way, but I also know it'll be ok. All I ask is for honesty, loyalty, and companionship......and I feel so serene and peaceful being with you, confident, assured, that all is, or will be ok, that all I have to do is be me. The one who was always there, wanted to get out, but no one would draw him out and be proud to say he was theirs.....

Just when I thought I was a hopeless case, well, here I am. Stronger, more confident, more, shall we say, amazed than ever before imaginable.

Ah yes, that greatest of feelings and emotions....why did it tease me for so long, only to sneak up and shoot itself into my heart now?

I guess the ways of the cosmos are strange, indeed. I mean if someone had told me a month ago I'd be walking on air right now, I'd have said they were certifiable for a trip to Newberry. Yeah, I don't care if the nuthouse there has been closed for 20 years. We can rebuild it just for anyone who'd have entertained this ridiculous idea....

But yet, here she is, that mighty temptress, struck me. I'd say "again", but this is so beyond perfect it defies description, and as well the idea that something so stupendous could ever exist in my life is a concept that is beyond inconceivable.

Words fail me now. I cannot think, only react. Take it slow, the logical mind says. Too bad he's outscreamed by something louder than 1,000,000 sirens. Though something tells me I've no need for the willpower of Odysseus in this one.

Well, nothing to do but stay and see what happens. All I know right now is that I am continually amazed, day after day, by how Gingerly she makes me feel. ;)

What is true love? We hear this talked about a lot. People say it....to get something they want....or to keep us stringing along sometimes.....but if you say it and really mean it, what does that really mean?

I don't pretend to have all the answers, but here goes....

It is devotion. Loyalty. Sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong, just because you're perfect in my eyes.

It is risky. It's about being completely open and letting someone have a window into your soul and even though it might scare them you have to do it because you trust them absolutely and without question with anything and everything.

It doesn't hide anything. It believes in you, and your ability to see the real me, not the me that everyone else knows and sees.

It is strong enough to show itself and persevere, and stand by you when all others have failed and weakly weathered away.

It is encouraging. When you are having the worst day of your life it is there to make it the best day of your life instead. To make you feel lucky to have been born to be able to see the way he looks at you.

It is supportive. It believes in you, and your ability to do anything. If you suffer setbacks, disappointments, no matter how large or small, it is there to get you through.

It doesn't care what the world thinks, it only cares what you think. It is a feeling of complete happiness, of two souls joining together into one and the coming together is the greatest moment of your life and you want it to last forever because  nothing could ever be better.

True love is not prideful. It is not about "me", it is about "you", and what I want to do for you. It is patient. It will wait forever if it has to, for just one fleeting chance, one glimpse. If it takes a lifetime to have one day to say "as you wish" then it is all worthwhile.

Above all, it knows no bounds. It cannot be broken or swayed, dissuaded, or dismayed....it lasts forever. It is eternal.  Neither time nor distance can destroy it, neither emotional or physical distance, rather they strengthen it in absence.

Ok, so the other day, I was reading one of those websites that gives you advice on what you are and are not supposed to do on a first date. Not that I've recently had or will have any of those any time soon, but, I was just bored.

Well, one of the points of advice was to not talk about one's flaws on the first date. They claimed that you are supposed to talk yourself up, and not bring up your faults.

Ok, I have nothing wrong with trying to put your best spin on your personality. I get that. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and there's nothing wrong with "selling" yourself to a certain extent and putting the emphasis on your pros rather than your cons. I believe in being an optimist and looking on the bright side, so, I get that.

But, I also find this highly distressing. Are we really supposed to be fake with people to get them to like us? Doesn't this just make it inevitable that they'll end up being disappointed when they find out we aren't as perfect as we made ourselves out to be? When people say "you've changed, I don't recognize you any more" are they perhaps really saying "gee, you actually have flaws! Why didn't you tell me this from day one?". It just seems to me that this is creating unrealistic expectations that will inevitably be shattered and thus when they are, lead to the end of the relationship.

Not to mention that it rests on the inherent premise that your true self isn't good enough, and that you need to lie in order to get people to like you because they won't like the real you. Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster!

So, maybe this explains why I don't often get to date two. I don't believe in being phony with someone on a first date (or even before a first date, for that matter). If someone is going to be worth my time, worth getting to know, I have to be honest with them. I am not going to lie about things that are unpleasant. Sure, I'm not going to reveal everything right away until I'm sure I can trust them, but I refuse to make myself seem more perfect or more awesome than I truly am just to "get" with someone.

As for me, I'd much more respect someone who was upfront about their failings on day one than someone who tried to be something they aren't. I'd be much more attracted to someone who was forthcoming with potentially damaging information than with someone who tried to hide it.

Ok, so I'm making too much out of nothing here, but this particular bit of advice really got under my skin for some reason. I think it's a big cause of relationship trouble when people are fake just to "win" someone over, and they are then (inevitably) unable to sustain it and the other person loses interest. We're causing a lot of unnecessary heartache for people by advising them to not be honest and forthright from the beginning.

We all have flaws. Let's just stop pretending we are perfect. If someone can't accept what's wrong with you, better to have them know that from the beginning than to lead them on unrealistically. C'mon, who is with me here? Anyone? Hello....?

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note: What do you do if you never believed in love at first sight, and were going along your logical merry way, when along came someone who made you know it was real with all your heart and soul, and they spoil everyone else for you by comparison and now you desperately want what you can't have and can't get beyond it and you are happy for them but silently inside you think that if you gave it your all and it wasn't enough that damn it this whole relationship thing is obviously not what the gods had in mind for you when they compelled your conception?

Yeah, I don't know, either.

Yes, tomorrow I will be 30 years old.

I don't feel old, but I do feel like I should have accomplished more with my life by now. Be married, have children, have a "good" job (whatever that does or is ever supposed to mean), etc. It's odd, because I'm a far different person than I thought I'd be 20 years ago, or 15, or 10, or even 5 years ago.

That's not to say I'm a worse person, just....different. I know that in many ways I am a success, but there are also times when I feel that I've missed out, too.

All I have to say about that is that I'm still young enough to make of things what I wish.

Christmas was bittersweet this year. Nice to see family and friends, of course. My best high school friend (who is pursuing a Phd at Dartmouth, wow!) was back, and I hadn't seen him in about a year. And hanging out with my father, sister, sister's boyfriend, and the dogs always brings a smile to my face. I especially love seeing the look on their faces as they open the gifts I got them.

And of course, I watched "It's a Wonderful Life". Yes, I know it's sappy and a bit ridiculous, but I absolutely love that movie. It never fails to bring a tear to my eye, even though I must have literally seen it 100 times by now. That and the Muppets' Christmas Carol.....now that's quality holiday entertainment!

I made a pretty big decision about 10 days ago. It's not one that was easy to make, and quite frankly I feel like total crap about it. I am so fearful and feel selfish in some ways, but at the same time, I think it had to be done. Sometimes seeing what you can't have is painful, and also, everything must have some semblance of balance. I feel like my life was getting way too far on the emotional side and way too little on the logical side (which I know for me is quite frankly shocking, compare this to my blogs from say a year ago....). So, hopefully, I'll now be able to readjust. It's just hard to think that way when you feel like absolute crap and like you've thrown away the one thing that brought you true happiness.

What's somewhat ironic is that I truly did it primarily because I thought it was what another wanted, as well, but was perhaps not able to ask for. I don't know, maybe I'm just being ridiculous again.

Tomorrow I'm going to have an awful knot in my stomach all day. Not just the birthday anxiety, but the anxiety also of a reaction to the one final "thank you" gesture that marks the culmination of my decision. I frankly have no fucking idea how it's going to be taken....I have no doubt in my mind I made the right decision with regards to this particular aspect of it, but as always, this is not about me......so, how it will be taken by the recipient is hopefully positive or at least somewhat logical as the most obvious choice.....plus I think I lost the receipt from Target anyway, even if I was Scroogish enough to return it.

I've never felt such a conflicting jumble of emotions as in the past few days. At this point I'm just blank. I've gone over it millions of times in my head, and haven't gotten anywhere (of course....you would think I'd have figured it out by now that the Hamlet thing does no good, but I feel like I can't help it).

Please remember all the homeless, sick, poor, and other various and assorted needy in your thoughts and prayers this Holiday season. Regardless your political beliefs, please cheer for our new President-Elect; he's going to need all the help he can get with this challenging environment. I could subject you all to a long political rant, but frankly I'm out of energy on that topic.

So, happy birthday to me......

I'm ready for Christmas to be here. Presents bought (well, mostly), preparations made. Hopefully there's still room for that good old fashioned Christmas spirit and generosity under the commercialism. Maybe this year's crappy economy will finally wake people up to the real meaning of the holiday: friends, family, togetherness, giving, sharing, compassion.....

I'm ready for spring to be here too. 5 below zero with a 30 mile per hour wind the other day did not amuse me. Nor did my 100 dollar heating bill that has resulted from it and other days in which Jack Frost loves to grace us with his mighty presence.

I'm not really ready for my birthday to be here, but 30 is just a number, right?

I hate waiting. But, all good things are worth waiting for, aren't they? And whatever else I am, I am a persistent and patient chap. Yes, I'm also envious as all hell of those who are what I cannot be, who can give what I cannot give. As much as I tell myself how good I am, how smart I am, and doggone it, how much people like me, it's still extremely difficult to see someone else who has all that I could've had, has elicited so effortlessly the feelings that I'd give three limbs to elicit, who is the man I would be if certain events had gone differently a decade or three ago.

So at this point, I'm emotionally in a state of suspended animation. The genie is waaay too far out of the bottle to ever be able to go back. Sorry, getting over it is something I do when I make a mistake at work or when I spill milk. Not something I can do to my soul.

So I will wait, patiently, I'll be here, be ready for when my time comes, if it comes. I refuse to be vain, prideful, or to play mind games to get attention in the meantime. I'll answer questions honestly, but not more frequently than others can suffer to hear (hopefully). I'm not going to go out of my way to show my feelings to others, but I'm also not gonna lie about the gut wrench either.

If my time does come, I'll be the happiest person alive. If it doesn't, I'll still be happy for them....this has not and never will be about me, it's about ensuring all that is deserved and worthy is finally delivered for and to her. And some ass kicking shall commence courtesy of me if ever lo there be mistreatment.

Well, all the hullabaloo in this election was about the Presidential race, of course, as well it should be. And I'm absolutely tickled pink about Obama's victory as you know.

However, there was another important victory that was won. That was of Proposition 2, permitting embryonic stem cell research in Michigan.

This gives so much promise for cures to many of the most deadly diseases. In particular, spinal cord injuries which my father as you know suffers from. While it may not come in time to enable him to walk, it is a very significant development for those who currently see no hope.

Its passage also reflects a victory for science and progress over the forces of gloom and despair. Its passage opens doors which have been closed for too many people for way too long. It is truly one of the most significant moments of progress for the medical community and those fighting to make a better life for all Michiganians and all citizens of the United States and the world.

President-elect Obama has also indicated he will reverse President Bush's executive order limiting federal money for embryonic stem cell research. Once again, those who have or may in the future suffer from diseases that will benefit from this research (in other words, everyone) can rejoice on the day that this happens.

So let us take a moment to celebrate this monumental victory.

A loss of innocence....of self identity.....of self respect.....

A stumbling demeanor.....ridicule, scorn, agony, no self confidence.....

The feeling of emptiness, of despair....floating along watching it all on the big stage but unable to control.....life passes by and you see someone there and people call you him but you are merely the observer detached.....and you cry when he can't do it or when you feel him lie because lies are all he has to hide the pain.....and it's your pain too but you can't do anything about it....the only way he can get away is to isolate, to run....and you tell him no, stand up, fight....but he can't because you don't control him you only feel the scars.....he couldn't fight then because he was so small, just an observer because he didn't have the control.....and it was stolen away at that young age and now it can never be back and he'll never be able to be the man the world expects him to be.....he tenses up or freaks out for any reason or no reason at all....can't perform when he needs to, can't rise up and fight for her......or with her.....or whatever it is she needs from him.....he can't be there because how can he be there for her when he could never be there for himself when he needed someone....anyone....to stop it.....when he was forced to grow up, way up, way early....but no one could stop it because he didn't know what was going on....and there was only the "shhhh" and the "you're a good boy now" and "i love you so much" and that was the only time he heard it...the only time he could please the only woman he had in his life at that age......so what else was he to do....he had the fear and the terror and that was imprinted and can never wash away.....the only way to get away was to run and to hide....and what kind of a man is it that runs....no man at all.....

So you're left with the nostalgia of a time that never was......and how can you get back....you can't.....how do you relearn those lessons you never learned.....you can't.....how do you reclaim the sense of self, of who you are not how you are defined in the eyes of others......you can't.....

These are what the abused victim feels.

.....when you realize you've found the greatest feeling in the world for the first time truly ever and it's never going away. One that is so mind blowing that you realize all those times in the past that you thought you had it were actually flightful fancies, mere appetizers to the main course.

I don't know either, but I guess I'll find out.

And you'd been in denial about it forever, because that's what you are "supposed" to do, to try to "get over" it, because for some reason this feeling is dangerous and toxic when it is not what the so called experts like to call "fulfilled".

Aren't true feelings and emotions supposed to last forever? If you are able to "get over" it, doesn't that prove it was never real in the first place? So why do we always try to get over our positive emotions? Is that a tacit admission that nothing we feel is or ever can be real and we are just damn fools for tricking ourselves into believing in such old fashioned ideas as honor, respect, loyalty, and faithfulness? I realize commercial interests and shrinks wouldn't make so much money if people actually remained loyal and honest with each other, so my cynical side says that may have something to do with it.

Well, sorry, but fuck that.....if the feeling is true, and pure, it is timeless. And I'm not going to sell out my feelings just to meet society's expectations.

My more optimistic side says people are just trying to do what they think is right for us, but, you know what, no one else can ever really know or appreciate how you feel because your feelings and emotions are yours and mine are mine and never can be anyone else's. Sorry, but the time that the advice giver felt it isn't the same, because emotions are unique. Only you know what will make you happy. And once you've found out, hang on to it and treasure every moment of it....because life is short......too short to not feel genuine feelings and to keep the flame alive no matter how dismal it looks as though those dreams will ever be fulfilled. And always far, far too short to not to be honest with those we feel these emotions to, lest we never get that chance.

So I've decided I'm through fighting with myself. I've never been surer of anything in my life than how I feel now, and "moving on" would only make me into someone I'm not. And that's not something I'd ever do, for anyone. If it pleases the gods to "requite" me, then so be it. If my destiny is to go on like this for the next 60 years or so that I should (hopefully) have left to walk this planet, well, guess what, I'll be happy anyway. Yes, believe it or not.