I have a lot of new friends here, and I think there is a bit of confusion about when I "Drop an Anvil" on someone... so I thought I'd take a second to explain the history behind it.

You see, it all started last Summer...
*screen gets all squiggly*

See, once upon a time there was a Douchemonger from Denver, Mexico [TRUE STORY] running rampant here on MySpace... and like most Douchemongers that feel they have the full backing and seal of approval of the major drama players here, they seem to get worse and worse... but everyone is afraid of pissing off the higher ups that seem to endorse them and condone their abusive behavior... (Come on, don't some of you have minds of your own? JEEBUS!).

One day he even made a video of the tragedy we were all supposed to give him a free pass on. One that seemed entirely fabricated around a picture he found on Photobucket. (I mean what are the odds?)



Needless to say, this constant "Oh pity me as I treat you like crap and play the race card" stuff was REAAAAALLY grating on a certain gOdOfMiScHiEf's nerves...

So I said to myself, "Self?"

"Huh?"

"We need to make the most FUCKING ABSURD TRAGEDY IMAGINABLE."

One that will give ME a free pass here, so I may treat people like garbage, and then when they *DARE* to fight back, everyone can say 'HEY! HAVE SOME SYMPATHY FOR THIS POOR GUY, CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S HURTING? WHY CAN'T YOU LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP AND YOU JUST STAND THERE AND TAKE IT, OKAY???'...

I thought and I thought...

What is the funniest thing I can think of and then tell people "Stop laughing! There's nothing funny about THAT!!!" at the same time...?

Well, my Warner Brothers Cartoon-Saturated brain came up with...


I explained in a blog (which was totally making fun of this guy), that my uncle was killed by an anvil falling on him, invoking thoughts that maybe I was part coyote, and I don't think anvils are funny!

But of course I can count on all my sicko friends to leave cartoons of falling anvils all over the comments to add to my trauma... thanks!

Later on... as I became the Posterboy for Anvil Awareness, I encountered another thing in my illustrious MySpace career; Something that grated on my nerves even worse than Internet Superheroes, NiceGuys, ToughGuys, and White Knights put together... PITY PARTIERS!!!!

Oh, these people will drain you dry if you let them. WOE IS THEM! And it is the same thing over and over again, they can drone on and on about the same problem forever... they drown in their pity, you pull them up, they dive back in and drown some more...

After a while, you just can't do this anymore... in fact, I have exactly 33% LESS patience than most people. I get in trouble all the time here because I can't maintain being plastic and phony... as hard as I try. Some of you can just be nice and sympathetic all day, every day. I suspect prescriptions are involved.


So now you know the story, and why I blog about "Dropping an Anvil" on someone and why people comment "ANVILS AWAY!!!".

We are sick of your EMO crap.
Knock it off.

No, there will not be a Part 2. I just like the way the title sounded.
Seriously, knock it off.

2 years since the rise of MANtana and you are STILL confused? [CLICKO AQUI]

Message to New Anon From Old Anon

People these days seem to think we are some sort of Internet vigilante group, That couldn't be further from the truth.

We are the little voice in the back of your head that wants to fuck your hot sixteen year old daughter. We are the father who beats his six year old child simply because he spilled his beer. We are every chef that's ever spit in some random person's food for the hell of it. We are the pyromaniac who burns down the homeless shelter for shits and giggles. We are the person who rapes the same girl twice. We are that feeling you get when you beat your pets; and enjoy it.

We see some guy hang himself live, we laugh. A wrestler kills his family, we laugh. Some maladjusted Asian shoots up his university, we laugh. Fifty-thousand die in North Korea, we laugh. AIDS ravages a continent, we laugh. An Austrian man locks his daughter in his basement for 24 years and fathers 8 children with her, we laugh. A religion invented by a psychotic writer swindles countless gullible fucktards out of their cash, we laugh, and then go kick his religion's ass just for the hell of it.

We aren't some vigilante group righting wrongs. We aren't your friends, your buddies or your saviors. Your feelings mean nothing to us.

We are human nature unencumbered by pointless ethics, foolish moralities or arbitrary laws and restrictions. We are every dark impulse you have; unrestrained and fully realized. We are what deep down, you wish you were. We exist as a means for instant gratification, purely at our own whim.

We have no culture, we have no laws, written or otherwise. We are an autonomous collective, each an insignificant part of a whole. You cannot assimilate us, we do not change. You cannot defeat us, we do not exist. You cannot infiltrate us, we know our own. We do not sleep, we do not eat and we do not feel remorse. We will tear you apart from outside and in, we have all the time in the world.

You operate under the delusion that we will someday be outdated, that we might even see the light. You are irrevocably wrong. You are not special, you are not unique and you aren't crusaders for justice. You're a blend of college age faggots who think that they can do some sort of good, and who are desperate to belong, to have attention. You have accomplished nothing, and you will fall. Enjoy your AIDS, faggots.

But God help you if you fuck with a cat.

--------------------------------------------
Hope that clarifies things.

Yes. I'm cranky. Thanks for noticing. I haven't had sex since 2002. What's YOUR excuse?

Here are some pet peeves I have about MySpace. So far its only redeeming quality here is that it isn't Facebook or Twitter.

1. "I'm leaving MySpace" - Oh, how original! I have seen variations of this ever since I joined my first newsgroup in 1997. Why not just say, "I'm a pathetic weenie that wants you all to stroke my ego"? You're not going anywhere. And if you do, you'll be back in 3 months, tops. Just go. Better yet, die.

2. "I apologize for men everywhere" - Oh STFU, Mr. NiceGuy! You don't speak for me. In fact you don't speak for MOST men. What if some of us *DO* think a woman owes us sex for the drink we bought them? Or agreeing to go back to our place at 3AM means we're not going there to play backgammon? (We just know better than to say that out loud in public, you dumbasses. How do you play backgammon, anyway?). You're not fooling anyone with that line.

3. "I'm sorry for not blogging lately" - I was enjoying the break. You asshole.

4. "There are real people with feelings behind these screens" - NAW REALLY??? You just figured that out, Sherlock? This is usually a line said by some internet badass who just got his head handed to them after being a jerkoff for so long.

5. "I can't believe no one has commented on this picture yet" - HAHA! Hi again, Mr. NiceGuy... yeah, you're gonna score brownie points by coimmenting her ugliest picture, aren't ya? (NOT!) Women SWOON over pity comments, don't they?

6. "I'm happily married and just looking for friends" - Uh huh. Let's see, where's the wife in your top friends? Next to supermodel #1? Nope... next to supermodel #2? Nope... Next to....

7. "I'm coming to your town to kick your ass!" - HAHA! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone tell me that, I could buy Graceland! So far, the number of people who have carried out this threat: 0

8. "I have haters" - *bangs head on desk* - Do you think any of us give you a second thought once we turn off our computers? SRSLY??? 

Sure people can't stand me, but I like to think I gave them a darn good reason. I'm irritating, juvenile, and obnoxious (but you love me, cuz I'm charming too!). But I'm nowhere near as bad as these people deluded into thinking people hate on them for no reason... YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!! ASK ANYONE!

9. "All men are pigs" - Wow. And you can't find a guy? But you're such a catch. Oink, oink, BAY-BEE!

10. "I don't like drama" - Yet there you are at every drama with a front row seat. go figure.

BONUS!
11. YOU! - Don't get me started on you. "Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEEE!". Shut up.


What are some things that drive YOU crazy here?

THIS IS AN ORANGE...



Excuse me?
Are you stupid or something? Maybe mentally ill, perhaps? Drink or do drugs much?

THIS IS AN ORANGE...

What was that? You mean no matter *how* many times I claim it's an orange, it's not? HOW ABSURD!

Oh. I get it now.
You're a HATER.
Or maybe you're just jealous.
Yeah. That must be it.
What other reason could there be?

Don't you see all the comments I've left up agreeing with me? Keep drinking the kool-aid, and clinging to your silly beliefs that this isn't an orange, you idiot.

I am deleting your comment because you are a distracting, jealous, hateful troll and you're threatening my argument not adding to the quality of the discussion.

THIS IS AN ORANGE...

Oh, you're back for more punishment from me & my readers, TROLL? You have no idea who you are messing with. I'll make your online and offline life a living hell if you continue to contradict me!

btw, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Despite everything I've ever said about you in the past when we were friends, let me tell you now that you've stabbed me in the back by publicly disagreeing with me... I NEVER liked you. So there!

That's it... you're blocked.
Go run along with the rest of the rest of the mindless sheep, as you have no place here with my cattle on its way to the slaughterhouse intelligent and attractive readers. Run along now! I wont allow you to sway anyone in my blog as my comments are only for people who agree with me INTELLIGENT and REASONED DEBATE.














Oh. Hello New Reader, and welcome to my blog.







And by the way....










THIS IS AN ORANGE.



You either get it or you don't.

I have some projects I'm working on, so my appearances around here will be sparse for a while. Gotta make money, right?

Speaking of which, a few of my friends have also been coming up with some things for added revenue, and face it, times are tough. Here's what you may have missed while you were away on Summer Vacation:

The Sizzling Poetic Pinup, Harlean Carpenter is now offering her own line of bath soaps on her website... great for gifts or just pampering yourself:

If you've ever wanted to bathe in chocolate...
Here's your chance.
The Bath Desserts Shop is

NOW OPEN!
(http://www.poeticpinup.com/BathDesserts.html)

Special Offer from Harlean for this blog:

"And as a thank you to everyone reading this, I'll throw in a free bath cake or bag of single-use soaps with your order; when you check out, just write 'Eric Brooks' in the comment section and let me know which cake or soaps you'd like."

---

And Chicken Boy announced in his "State of the Economy" blog that he's opened up his own line of products on Zazzle....

---

UPDATED...

Miss Sunbeam is a Mary Kay Consultant (Her webpage here)
Shauna Frost sells beads and jewelry off her Etsy web page (Her webpage here)
Carol is an AVON Representative buy off her site and have it shipped directly to your door (Her webpage here)
Rachael needs donors in Komen's Race for the Cure™ (Her webpage here)
Katrina Critters are hand-crafted ornaments made by the one and only Katrina Brown
Beth Diquor knits scarves and dishcloths. They make great gifts. dishcloths hold up to bleach and the washer and dryer. 100% cotton. (Contact her via her profile)
Patti makes sterling silver beaded and crystal Jewelry. You can see some of it in three of the albums in her pictures. She has been making it for about 12 yrs and everyone who has purchased it has been pleased. (Contact her via her profile)
Kool Kat makes the molds and produces the Virgin Mary statues that you see on people's lawns. Other items include: Sacred heart of Jesus, Our Lady of Guadalupe, Several animals, and hopes to make some birdbaths soon. (Contact her via her profile)
Jo and Jonathan are selling "Terrible Turtle Conspiracy" T-Shirts, as well as you can have a sneak peek at her upcoming Vampire book at her website.
Mama Serene is selling photographs from her gallery to benefit The Young Youth Life Center in Largo, FL.
Adisa C is asking for votes in the Models of the Runway contest, and she will return the favor.
Caroline sells TUPPERWARE and you can order right from her webpage here.

---

Got any sites, services, or products you want to promote?
Post them in the comments and let's all help each other out here.

We've forgotten who we are.
We've forgotten the clear & simple message that history taught us, and it WILL happen again.

We've forgotten as a people that the reason for the season is simply... BUY TOYS! DUH!


I made this in response to that silly movie "Zeitgeist". To construct a good conspiracy, you need to have a conclusion first, and then work your way backwards, finding (and stretching) "evidence" to support your theory. It's the complete opposite of an investigation, where you let the evidence lead to a conclusion.

Sorry kids, the 9/11 Conspiracies have been debunked over and over.
However, my investigation concludes that Santa Claus does indeed exist... and he's part of a vast conspiracy of the Jews to spike toy sales that 2001 season. If not most of the 20th/21st Century.

If you don't believe me... then you must be brainwashed by the Illuminati or you are an agent trying to confuse me. What other reason can there be to NOT believe what you see in this video?



Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Isn't he an opportunistic bastard?
Let's bring irreverence and humor back!

Imagine waking up and finding out a whole country hates you...

Welcome to my world. I mean, I'm used to whole social networking sites deciding I'm a jerk (and yeah, I ask for it most of the time), but a whole country?

I wake up one morning and take a harmless Facebook Quiz (which are ALWAYS 100% accurate) to get this result:


Well screw me sideways! Are you kidding me?

*sigh* As an American, you'd think I'd be used to this. Ever since the internet age, I've been constantly bombarded with messages by nasty foreigners who can't stand us. Let's face it... YES, we (Americans) are loud and obnoxious... and we LOVE a good war! Especially the ones where we'll kick your 3rd world ass in 5 days or less.

Most of these countries are just asking for it... and their only saving grace is we can't find most of them on the map yet... so keep running your mouths, ok?

Now I haven't contacted the State Department over this insult (YET!!!). After seeing that the Swiss are basically armed with...


... I'm pretty sure I can take this country over with my daughter's Brownie troop.

Why hasn't anyone else ever thought of taking over Switzerland and giving them a swift kick in their Liederhosen? Bastards.

I found this while researching my new enemies....


I can't believe they needed to post some disclaimer "Please note that this is a comedy sketch, the KitH are not really sick of the Swiss.", are these people THAT whiny? That didn't stop the FLOOD of anti-American rhetoric in the comments.

Funny thing is... the Kids in the Hall were CANADIAN.

Yeah, we're used to that too. Canada is like the 12 year old kid living in the floor above you starting shit by throwing water balloons out the window, but the soaking-wet & angry people come to US on the first floor because they're just too pissed off and lazy to think.

(This, of course, makes Central & South America as living in our basement. A very crowded basement... filled with every Hispanic stereotype and joke you can come up with in the comments... but I digress...)

I'm currently searching for Switzerland on Google Maps, scanning through Southeast Asia trying to get a lock on them. And when I do...YOUR ASS IS MINE, SWITZERLAND!

BONUS: Challenge by C.C.

(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Chocolates, and Zurich, and fake Rolex watches...
I wanna kick all the Swiss in their crotches...

Swiss Miss can play with Geko's ding-a-ling...
These are a few of my least favorite things...

Aren't they supposed to be a 'Neutral' Country?
What is their PROBLEM with me????

This is the nature of MySpace. You will have personality clashes, disagreements, wounded egos, friends defending friends, friends making excuses for friends, jealousies, charlatans, liars, retards, bullies, victims, gossipers, agendas, scandals, unrequited love, obsession, stalking, mudslinging, opinions you will agree with, opinions you wont agree with, people who will not handle your opinions gracefully, people who will attack, people who will get hurt badly, threats, people who will act like assholes and then dismiss critics as haters...

MySpace is very much like real life. Because it involves real people.
We all don't get along in person either... why expect it online unless you are asking people to censor themselves?  No one should have to just 'stand there and take it'. What's the matter with you? If you are too weak to take the heat of public opinions, there is always Facebook. Just a thought.

I could go on... but Judi Sunshine said it better than I ever could.


Comments are closed... share your thoughts over at Judi Sunshine's instead.

Yesterday I received an email from a young gentleman looking for blogging tips as he's just starting out. Unfortunately I couldn't email him back since I wasn't his friend, and I couldn't add him without knowing his email address. So Oliver... I hope you are reading this. I tried to write you back, brother. I'm not a snob... REALLY!

Some of you may remember this blog as the first time you've ever heard of me... because HOLY SHIT, DID THIS START SOME DRAMA! People weren't used to me and how tongue-in-cheek I was through most of this, and I forgot that blogging is SERIOUS BUSINESS on MySpace. This time around I will keep it short, to the point, and as humor-free as possible.
-------------------------------------------------

I've been blogging since 1998 (that's right, a year before Blogger came out), I've been on MySpace since 2006. I watched and studied the most successful bloggers here, saw what works, and brought a few tricks of my own...

TIP #1 - READ & COMMENT OTHER BLOGS
First and most important. Most of your readers are bloggers themselves. This is how people will hear about you and you make your presence known. I can't tell you how many bloggers I've gotten into after I was impressed by their comment in a blog somewhere. Blogging is a community where we all support each other. If you comment someone's blog, they will most likely come visit yours. You need to build readership... and the best way to GET readers, is to BECOME a reader. (Kind of like the old adage "If you want a friend, then you have to BE a friend". Makes perfect sense when you think about it.)

TIP #2 - END YOUR BLOG WITH QUESTIONS
This will start discussion. Blogs ending with questions will be more likely to have comments. A sad fact is, most of your readers will skim through your blog and not read it fully. They also might not feel comfortable "flying blind" and feeling foolish with a comment if they didn't get it... so why not guide them a little bit?

TIP #3 - KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE
We have a rule on the web. The rule of KISS ("Keep It Simple, Stupid"). So many bloggers think they're the next Hemingway and then get frustrated at the lack of responses. But with all the blogs we have out there to read, do you honestly think people have the TIME to read your epic "War & Peace" novel in a medium where reading comprehension off a computer screen is significantly lower than what you'd get off a printed book or magazine? COME ON! Do you find people commenting a lot about the first or last paragraph they read? Then your blog is WAY too long. Get to the point!

TIP #4 - SUBSCRIBE TO ME LINK
Friends have pimped out your blog, people loved it. That's the easy part, but how do you keep them coming back for more? Make them subscribe.

Sure you have the "subscribe" link up top... but they just scrolled all the way down. What better place to hit them with it than right at the end? A nice graphic to remind them: "SUBSCRIBE TO ME NOW!". Make it easy on them.


TIP #5 - ANSWER ALL YOUR BLOG COMMENTS
You know what's even better than comments? MORE COMMENTS! It also adds to your page views and overall ranking if your readers come back to read your response. Something witty or showing a genuine interest in them and what they have to say will work best. They will most likely comment more, particularly if you end the comment with a question (see TIP #2). One of the biggest turn-offs here is when a reader feels they've been ignored.

TIP #6 - FRIEND REQUEST YOUR READERS
Now with the "Activity Stream" we have here, I'm finding myself using that to read the latest blogs. I'm using it a lot more than even the "New Blog Posts" section (You post-daters have pretty much ruined that. Thanks a lot). Put in a friend request, leave a note thanking them for reading your blog. They will now be notified you have a new blog post right on their front page.

TIP #7 - BLOGDICKING (or "BLOG SKIPPING" for the "Rated G" crowd)
You have left the most thought-provocative comment ever on a very popular blog... but guess what? Who is going to read it on page 5?

"Blogdicking" is basically skipping the line and commenting under the very first comment, so there you are on page one for everyone to see. Some bloggers think it's rude, but I personally think it keeps your blog looking fresh and helps the author find your comment so much easier.


Having a banner as your very first comment (because face it... "Firsters" are annoying) also makes things easier and doesn't break up the conversation. But be fast... those sucky "firsters" are like vultures!

TIP #8 - BLOG RANKING
First thing I need to stress is that this is not the "end all be all" of blogging. People get obsessed over this as if Tom is going to send you a paycheck. But you know what? Having a blog rank nicely is a rewarding feeling too. It's based on page views + comments + kudos.

Other factors include the time you post (best is between 4:30 AM - 10:00 AM Eastern time). You get the maximum amount of exposure as it's all tallied up in a 24 hour period... as well as the category you post in.

The number ones in each category are lined up first in the Overall rankings, followed by the #2's, 3's, etc. Try and avoid "high traffic" categories like "News & Politics" or "Writing and Poetry". You'd be amazed at how well you'll rank in "Games" or "Automotive", let me tell you.

TIP #9 - AUTOREFRESHING
Personally I'd prefer to just leave legitimate tips, because no one likes a cheater. But would I be your buddy if I left you with an incomplete education? I wont tell you where to find an auto refresher (because MySpace tends to delete those blogs), but you can easily Google it. Autorefreshing is how a great many of the "Top Bloggers" would rank by basically inflating their page views (And not ALL high ranking bloggers do this either). It's cheating. But I'd be a hypocrite and a liar if I acted like I've never done it myself. Here's my tip though:

Most people here can spot the cheaters. For starters, it is nearly impossible to have every one of your blogs rank consistently high, and a blog with less than 5 pages of comments is SURELY going to raise some eyebrows. Nothing will get your sorry ass beaten down here faster than lying about it and pretending you've done it fair and square. So if you're gonna cheat... at least be a smartass about it.


TIP #10 - PIMP OUT AND GET PIMPED
Blogging is basically spread through word-of-mouth. Getting in the Top Blogs page will only get you a few new walk-ins at best (most people don't even bother looking at it). Now, when I see in a blog I like that they're raving about another blogger... or bulletins recommending you check out a certain blog? THAT gets my attention. It will on most people. Pimp out blogs you think are worth reading. More than likely people will return the favor.

WARNING: Do not ask/force people to pimp you out though. Nobody likes that, and people don't want their credibility ruined... especially if it's a crappy blog to begin with (which, sadly, most of these people who try to force their blogs on others to pimp out usually tend to write).


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Do I look fat in these jeans?