Well I have been writing my thoughts down as of late in my digital journal and I think it's time to start sharing my thoughts when I feel is appropriate again.   It's definitely not going to be updated as frequently as it once was but I think it's time again...  So here is the first one back...

I’m sitting outside listening to 80’s music and just thinking about the past.  I realized today that I have spent the last 6 years of my life in the Red River district – Beerland particularly.  Where did that time go? 

I remember being 21 and asking Max every week how much movie night was and it was always free.  But that didn’t stop me.  I also think of all the people that I have seen, met and have passed me by throughout those years and it’s really weird.  Some are still myspace friends and they have grown up quite a bit and these are just the ones I’ve met in past like 4 years.  Several have kids, many have moved to bigger and better things, some have disappeared off the face of the earth and some are still where I met them – for good or bad, ect.  But needless to say in the past 6 years I have met many people throughout my time there.  Not to mention all the songs that bring back memories because they now have special meanings because of nights at Beerland. Granted in the past 6 years, I have met way more people than but this isn’t about everyone I’ve met throughout my twenties just those that I’ve met at my apparent home away from home…
As I am thinking about the others I wonder where I stand.  Not in like a super what have I done with my life type a way, more like just like “where am I now” if you will.  Well we know I don’t have kids – so that’s at least a start. 

I guess it’s just weird, seeing people that come in and out of your life and see how they’ve changed and wondering if I have changed as well.  I know I have to some extent. But that’s part of growing up right?  I’m very glad I’ve met all those people – the ones I continue to be in contact with and those that I may never speak to again.  They have all had some sort of impact in my life.   

I used to blog for random musings or personal thoughts or whatever...but these days I haven't felt much need to. Don't get me wrong I still have these thoughts and ideas, but for the time being I don't necessarily think posting blogs on myspace is the best medium for it...(possibly status bar on facebook and myspace)

but until further notice...the blog is closed...

pretty random, just thought i needed some closure...at least for the time being.

but life is as good as it can be...and that's all one can ask for...

I saw the first signs of the impending zombie attack that we've all know has been a long time coming last night. And strangely enough, it was at work...

...and yes i did have red on me.

weird.

Since I got back from Portland in February, I have been wanting to try all sorts of new beers. Although I go to Pint Night at the Saucer, I have not and will not join their saucer club. But I have been wanting to find a way to show off all the different beers I have drank.

At first I tried to save the bottles and display them somewhere around the house. Well that didn't work so well either.

But tonight, actually while at the saucer, I figured it out while cleaning out and going through my cell phone. I can make a photo album that consists only of different beers that I have drank.

Yes this is nerdy, but I have wanted to do this for awhile and this is the best idea I have come up with.

I've also thought of starting a food/drink album since I think delicious food and good drink help make life a great thing. But I don't stray too much from my regular tastes too often.

Since I can remember I have wanted to make an impact via music. The dream of changing someone's life by writing an amazing song is something I've imaged as long as I can remember. Given the fact that my writing skills aren't so great, that idea is something that may never occur. So I settled for the next best thing, wanting to be a DJ (or a VJ - which I was several years ago.) I wanted this job to be able to turn people on to new music and make them possibly see a world they hadn't before.

Well this past Wednesday, this goal was achieved. As I was drinking at Uncle Billy's, I had to go to the restroom. While washing my hands a former college classmate comes up to me and starts talking to me. I immediately recognize him and that we went to school together. Well anyways we are catching up and as he is leaving he stops and tells me "hey man, that ______ CD you gave me, I still think it's an amazing album and still listen to it. Thanks man!"

Now a little back story -- I had a class like my first or second year at St. Ed's in which we had to give a presentation and get class interaction. Our idea to get class interaction was to ask questions about the presentation and give away candy or other prizes - several of them being CDs that I had made from downloaded albums. This CD had the name hand written on it in sharpy, basically something you would give a friend or whatever. Nothing special other than the fact it was an advanced copy.

But never the less this event occured 4 -5 years ago and I had forgotten all about that, until Wed when the guy thanked me for the CD. Whether or not he still really listens, it doesn't matter, but the fact that he actually remembers this event and the artist, means something. I apparently had some sort of impact on this guy's life because of music that I gave to him.

In a week that has been very difficult for me, an event like this really makes me happy and feel like I'm in the right industry and doing what I'm supposed to do with my life -- career wise anyway.

Don't fuckin plan shit!

it NEVER goes according to plan...blah...stupid phone!

I must admit, the past month or so I have been quite the irrational human being...even more so than normal. I mean I went to the doctor's today thinking there was a shit-ton wrong with me...but alas twas nothing more than me pulling some muscles, which a little ibruprophen and a heating pad could fix. But when I started hurting I started thinking things were way worse than they were. I was ready to change the way I ate, because I was sure that was the problem...like I said irrational. Granted I'm not totally in the clear as I haven't got blood work done and what not but still...overreacting on my part!

But the past couple days I have discovered that source of this craziness was mainly mainly due to my quarterlife crisis....yes a Newsweek diseases as someone commented today. But it is something that is normal for people my age, even though I didn't want to admit it when asked about it.

This past month (and these past few days especially) has given me the opportunity to do some soul searching and I have figured some shit out. The main being that I am in charge of my life. Whatever changes I want to make in my life are up to me. Granted I can look to my friends for advice or guidance but the only one that can make me happy is me.

I have reevaluated what I want to do in life and many of my goals over the past few weeks. I have somewhat of an idea of what to do. But like I said it's something I have to do.

I have resigned from one job as I felt it wasn't getting the time it deserved and have started focusing on a new project that hopefully I can pursue.

Thank you to everyone that has put up with me for the past month, month and a half. To say I appreciate it is an understatement. This wasn't quite articulate as I was hoping for but I have been drinking and I wanted to write this out in order to inform those who have been there for me, I do appreciate it and am ready to get on track!

e

Well incase you haven't heard this song. It's getting a lot of press today. It's a pretty shitty song. I don't really agree with the message...or I don't agree with the message at all. But dammit this guy has every right to say it.

The song generally just kinda sucks, I think musically but at least he is getting his opinion out there. And he was smart enough to put up a billboard with the title on the board, which got him the media coverage.

So without further adiue, here is the song...don't blame me for the quality of the video, this was the best version I could find...



And now for a couple liberally charged songs...my favorite song off Nas' new album...




Can you say next week's myspace song?

Like revolving doors people come in and out of your life...

Today was the the first day without of of my good work friends at the restaurant. Granted we weren't best friends or anything like that, but we were still friends and he was a good coworker. And I believe that working with people you like and get along with and like really effects your work experience. So with him leaving the restaurant it is pretty bumming to me.

Sadly as much as I hate to admit this is only the beginning. However the next person, who is leaving, well that one is really gonna hurt, because unlike this last person that left, the person that is leaving in the next month is totally more than a coworker. This person is actually one of my damn good friends, one of my best to be exact. I mean to be honest I don't even like thinking about it, but I know its inevitable. Time is going to run it's course that's what time does.

It's just really weird my life has changed so much in the past month or so. Mostly for the best, but I have lost a lot of things as I said before and not just work friends either. If you look at my top 6 friends...well they are my world. Without these people there isn't much of me. Even if I don't see these people every, know they are around to talk to if I need them for anything, even advice or comfort, really anything. I will admit that I'm not always the best of friend in return to them but I know they are always there for me and I think they know for the most part I am there for them too.

But right now I feel very alone in this world that I don't feel apart of.

Let's dissect that last sentence...

Alone - you ask...Well between vacations, jobs, people moving, family restraints - whatever they can't be here right now the wish I could be. I mean right now, during the summer I really this them. I love going to people's houses, chilling out, having drinks, discussing movies, politics, music, current events, whatever. I like my friends coming over to my house and doing the same here. But this isn't happening for various reasons as I said before.

Sure it may only be temporarily but I want the world and I want it now! I'm spoiled and I admit it, I get cranky when things don't go my way. And right now a lot of that is going on. I don't mean it in a bad way at all I just want things in life like everyone does. And when I say the word "things" it cheapens what I'm talking about but that's the best way I can articulate it.

I want a normal life. I want happiness. I think I've said this before but I feel something like Renton in Trainspotting. At first choosing "something else" aka heroin, but then choosing life.

Early in life I chose something else or rather something else chose me. Rock n roll, but I want Rock n Roll to work with me and for me. I am actually being inspired and openly discussing how to get some of these ideas off the ground. (Thanks 1/2 of E2 and Mr. I)

But anyways in my late teens and early 20s I chose something else instead of life. It's called alcohol.

i remember 22 years old I just wanted to be drunk all the time. Who had for family or anything, when you could go out and get hammered all the time. I didn't ever want to get married and I looked at kids like they were little monsters. But these days things are quite different.

I want that life. Meeting that someone special that makes everything better by smiling and giving me a hug and a kiss. Someone who can put up with me and all my quarks and temprament. Someone to stay up all night with and laughing, drinking, ect. with. Someone that feels like home and someone who is all mine and I'm all hers.

As for the kids -- well I'm not sure if guys can have biological clocks but I feel like mine is ticking. I see kids come into the restaurant and I want one. Even though they may be messy, loud and crazy. I want that. I want someone that will love me unconditionally, no matter what, just as I will do with them. Wow, I'm tearing up as I wrote that and I'm at work! Pull yourself together dude!

I'm wanting to clean up my life up in order to have this whereas before I was under the impression that the perfect mate was someone I could go to shows with, get drunk with all night and then have amazing sex with. Don't get me wrong that can still happen in a relationship but I've been reminded there is so much more than that.

It wasn't always like that at 18, I knew what love was but forgot it after growing up and growing growing apart. I continued to forget for a few years. I thought I was ready to love someone but quickly found out I wasn't.

Going back to the cleaning my life up. Alcohol isn't the same for me. I don't want to be drunk all the time and I'm tired of drinking alone...many times. I know it's not the solution and I'm always working on it. I guess this is when I really miss my world was around. So even if I am drinking, I'm not alone. Even though I know they are always a call, text, myspace or facebook message away, it's not the same. I miss that, the late night drinking sessions or watching movies til 4 then having to be up for work at 10am.

I miss my nights! Sure many of them may have been lonely but they were mine. Fuck this morning shit! I've been up by like 9 I dunno how many days in a row. And I've been home by 2 am pretty often lately..and I hate it!

I hate being home, I get bored and lonely at home or just fall asleep because before that is all my home was used for. Sleeping. I get irrate and ancy being here too much. I really wish I could have a dog, maybe that would bring me some companionship. Sadly, I can't...damn lease!

Going back to cleaning up my life...this house is dirty as hell, which is probably adding to my feelings. I've started cleaning up some to bring some sanity back. But in other cleaning up news I am thinking of giving up smoking. And this isn't because I smoke very often. It makes me just feel numb. I mean I saw Super High Me and saw the change in Doug's attitude and I don't want that to be me anymore!

I forget I'm a good person with goals and a purpose. I hate losing myself! I want someone to see me, the real me and love me for being me. Not the stupid front I am accustomed to putting up. Yes that means I have to start being real, but it's hard, because I don't want to get hurt and don't think many people will understand me. Shit, there I go getting teary eyed again. Luckily no one is coming in.

And sure you can call this melodrama or me being emo or he's writing one of "those" blogs again or whatever but this is who I am and this is how I feel and I can't change that! This is my normal. I know I'm a lot to take and maybe one day I will find someone that will be able to put up with me and all my "drama." I mean really put up with it and not just "deal with it." Someone who understands me doesn't judge me because I wouldn't do that to them.

I'm also thinking about becoming a veggie, because I want to choose life. I don't exercise and I don't want to fall victim to the burger that has the nick name of triple bypass. And I know meat isn't the only culprit, but bacon, fried goodiness, grease, drinking ect. I have been hurting from my chest for over a week now and I worry about that, even though it may not have anything to do with the pain.

I want to live life to the fullest and not die of something way too early. I used to quote The Who and say "I hope I die before I get old!" But I don't want that anymore. Somedays yes, but in reality, I want to live a long happy life. The keyword is happy.

An older gentleman said to me earlier "Everyday is a great day." And it's true but sometimes I forget that. Like everyone does. But I'm trying and I've been trying for awhile.

Who knows maybe one day right? It will all happen on day. I'll accomplish everything I want in life or goddammit, I'm gonna die trying and hopefully not get lost along the way. Here's to me and the future. I guess widdle Evan is alls grows up?

A simple enough question if you ask me, however a very difficult one when I actually think about it...especially in this town.

I don't know what the deal is with this place and especially people in the age range from 18 to about 30ish. But when I encounter people, "hello," "how are you today?" or even a simple smile or a head nod to offer acknowledgement is apparently too difficult for those in that age range. Instead people are walking around with their eyes to the ground or turned the other way, anything to avoid the fact that I am near them.

I have visited other places in Texas...uh College Station for example...everyone smiles and offers a greeting. What's with Austin? We aren't a big city, shit it is basically six degrees of separation in this damn town. But yet we can't offer the lowest form of acknowledgement of another person. Now I don't expect to be friends with everyone I run across throughout the day, nor would I want to, but shit, can't we at least be civil?

Everyone needs to get over their damn selves and quit being shitheads to the people around you...