120 posts, 258 comments, 8,887 views and 190 kudos later...It's official.

My MySpace blog is officially dead. Or retired, what have you.

It's been a long time coming, but it's quite for the best. It was beginning to feel a bit cramped in here, and as much as it grew on me, I'm letting it go.

I'm not finished though. Not by a long shot. Here's my new home.



Moving forward, everything goes in there. Tell your friends.

To my loyal yet dwindling apathetic internet fanbase on here, thank you for sticking around. I may have given this up long ago if my blog here hadn't been as popular as it was.

Yep.

GameStop can eat one with the rebounding non-logic that marked the decision to hand out pieces of the demo a DAY before the game comes out, and ONLY if you hand them 5 dollars.

I take their hubris and raise them a crafty loophole, on this day. Three weeks before its release.

Time to flex the PS3 Blu-Ray Frankenbox.

Here we go. Most visually impressive game I've ever witnessed. In my room. I am resourceful, I am.

Let's go.

Day is about to be halted.

I'm ready.

76% at the time of this posting.

As I exhale deeply...

This week..

I take a wild ride through Sonic Unleashed..







Tackle the slopes in the puzzling, yet masochistically addictive Line Rider 2: Unbound..







And honor my namesake in Defendin DePenguin, an RTS for kids.







Also if you've seen my new picture (and if you haven't, why haven't you?) KNOW I'm having a blast with these things, but I'm holding off on a tentative writeup until I can get my hands on a third cymbal.

(Disclaimer: I am not a "real" drummer.)

Cheers,

-Lucien (ExpertPenguin)

I'll never understand what goes through a developer's mind when they decide to castrate their ambitious vision by releasing a Wii version of a current gen game. Would a painter compromise his unorthodox style by drawing an additional stick figure version so a wider audience can "get it?" If the first answer that pops into your head is "no", then you share my confusion when I ask myself why...



...does this Wii version exist..







When it's clearly meant to be like this?







The mind boggles.

The story of Gears of War 2 is a tale that not only looks upon the horror of war, but also focuses heavily on the celebration that it inspires. Unfortunately, the story of Marcus, Dom, Cole and Baird is a bit of a rarity, and not every soldier has as pleasant or as convenient an experience in the now 15 year struggle against the Locust horde. Information recovered at various points in the mission reveals the tale of a soldier who fought just as hard, if not harder than our boys from Delta.


A very particular sergeant..






JACINTO MEDICAL CENTER FILE
Jonathan Harper

Found:
Patient Name: Jonathan Harper
Occupation: Sergeant (Echo Nine), COG Army
Age: 29
Height: 1.9m
Weight: 91kg

Patient is a 9-year veteran who has recently experienced vertigo, persistent cough,
and insomnia. Was stationed in the Timgad area for 2 months after Lightmass offensive,
then assigned to Jacinto perimeter patrol last 4 months. Symptoms began about 1 month
ago. Physical and Diagnostic evaluation showed no chronic illnesses and no sighns of bacterial
infection. Prescribed a medium strength antihistamine, released patient, and gave clearance for
further duty. Expect a full recovery, with no side effects.(1)


Dr Vivian Merriweather



Note 1: After the lightmass bombing at Timgad, many thought that victory was in their pocket. With the Locust seemingly gone, humanity was able to breathe a collective sigh of relief, as the past decade and a half of fighting seemed to be coming to a close...however, a new problem arose. In addition to wiping out a large number of Locust troops, the Lightmass Bomb proved to be too potent, and ended up vaporizing a great deal of Imulsion underground, causing the concentrated chemical fumes to rise to the surface. Soldiers and civilians in and near Timgad collectively began coming down with a strange sickness called "Rustlung", which caused those afflicted to come down with terrible headaches, dizziness, insomnia, and a thick, brown discharge that fills the lungs and induces profuse coughing and vomiting.







GEAR'S JOURNAL

Found:

We just touched down in the Hollow(2) about a half-hour ago. Things are quiet, too quiet. I don't like it.
It's kind of pretty down here, in a weird way, but the calm is worse than a firefight. I know what to do in
fight... waiting just makes me edgy. Still a bit dizzy, too. Might just be from the ride down here, though...
Grindlifts shake the crap out of you. I hate being dizzy. Doc said it was normal, some kind of vertigo,
probably from the battlefield, eardrums always getting hammered from the gunfire and explosions. Cough
doesn't seem as bad today, that's good, but I'm on edge. Could throw up if I let myself. Not going to, but I'm
ready for this stuff to start. I'm tired of waiting.


Sgt. Jon Harper


Note 2: The Hollow is the underground home of the Locust. Not much is known about this underground lair, except that is so vast it's network apparently covers the entire crust of the planet. Recently though with the Locust's attacks becoming more and more aggressive, some would say desperate, the humans have been forced to take the fight directly into the hollow itself.







PRISONER'S JOURNAL
Jonathan Harper

Found:


Can't believe I found something to write on, but if you find this, you should just run. NOW. Get the
hell out of here while you can. The Locust are taking prisoners, putting them in weird coffins and crap.(3)

They got me isolated right now, I hear people screaming around me. I'm coughing brown chunks from
my lungs and it's making me puke. I'm sitting in my own damn puke, people are getting tortured, I just
want to see the sky again. Just the sky, that's all.

I hear 'em coming, their messed up breathing. I don't even care, I'm just gonna smash the bastard in
his face. If I'm gonna die, I'm dying like a man.



Jon Harper


Note 3: While very little is known about the Locust, even a decade and a half after their initial Emergence Day assault, descent further and further into the Hollow has revealed many things about them and their "culture". Damaged but stable ruins, various transport systems, an overarching hierarchy that includes a Queen, and apparently, hostage taking, human slavery, and torture methodology. While the humans collectively believe the Locust "birth" to be their emergence and subsequent attack on humanity, perhaps this isn't the case. Structured civilizations such as these don't just rise out of the ground instantly like weeds..



As the fight gets driven directly into Jacinto for the Locust's final assault, every COG soldier including the incredibly tenacious Delta Squad is pushing for their right to exist on Sera. Because Jacinto has literally been turned into a warzone by the Locust, there can be no civilians, no one who is not explicitly military personnel in the streets. Evacuations began almost immediately, in the hope that everyone can make it out alive.

We know better.






We truly know better than that. Victory without sacrifice. Impossible. All the bravado in the world cannot mask the simple fact that hundreds, thousands of lives are lost during the road to any victory. While it's only fitting that we celebrate the lives of those who survived to tell their tales, also important are those who didn't make it. Unfortunately, to those who simply don't have a careful eye, or are simply indifferent in general, their efforts are lost.

Lost, but not forgotten.

Playing the Tomb Raider: Underworld demo fills me with a sort of strange glee.

Perhaps I'm just way too used to the vast number of terribly animated cartoons, or deliciously high-res games with questionable animation segues (yes Gears, you're lovely, but animation exploits abound, tis the secret to high level play), but watching Lara Croft seamlessly transition from running, to jumping, to flipping, to shimmying, scaling every surface with nary a discernible break in the animation brings a smile to my face.

This isn't something that should amaze me, but it does.

It speaks a lot of the believability of a character when you can visibly see their stress conveyed through their body language. Using a med pack on a running Issac (Dead Space) in real time causes an entire shift in his momentum, and a seamless transition from limping to running. You feel revitalized by his body language, He is revitalized by a full life meter. From this, to the way he believably fights off monsters who've gotten a hold of him, it's no wonder the game is as chilling as it is. You don't feel frightened for Leon in Resident Evil 4 as a character because he animates like a cartoon action hero while in play. It's his spectacularly animated death scenes that make you fear for his life. It's the intricately designed bosses and the way they move about that makes for pulse-pounding encounters.

Shadow of the Colossus? Need I say more?

This may be the reason why I'm not over it yet.

Guiding Lara from obstacle to obstacle feels less like a set of predetermined objectives to pass and more like genuine exploration, however linear it may be. A truly jarring realization happened when I was confused as to why she'd stopped scaling the wall I'd been climbing. It turned out she'd run out of bricks to hold onto, and I was forced to make a short leap to the side because she couldn't stretch her arm far enough to reach the next one. It was a genuine slap in the face to years of being taught by gaming that if there is a climbable looking texture on the wall, you can scale it anyway you want, ridges and gaps be damned. I was blown away, but this is also a game where I can judge whether or not I'm completing a long jump based simply on whether or not she outstretches her arms mid-leap to grab hold of a ledge. I should've known from the beginning something special was going on.


Something very special indeed.

(Note: I am not holding back on any details here, because this movie is a prequel, anyone interested in Dead Space's story are aware of the fate of the Ishimura crew.)


Dead Space is EA's hottest new property, and with good reason-- It's a superbly well crafted survival horror game, with a plot and gameplay mechanics that are very familiar, but still manage to have a voice of their own. Of course, with EA being the media and advertisement juggernaut they are, it was almost inevitable that there would be a slew of marketing and promotional material for the game. With the actual software being light on details, but providing just enough story to generate interest for sequels to come, it's no surprise that spinoffs and side stories were on their way. But while the viral web games and 6 part comic book were welcome additions to the story canon, and do a great job of filling in the blanks, the latest addition, an animated film titled Dead Space: Downfall is anything but.





DS:Downfall takes place between the comic book and the game, detailing the events that took place on the Ishimura prior to their enigmatic distress beacon that warranted the USG Kellion's arrival in Dead Space. Following the mining and excavation process that unearthed an alien artifact called the Marker, the Ishimura, a "planet cracking" ship is called out to the planet to retrieve the artifact a week after the breakdown of the Aegis VII colony. What seems like a routine retrieval and planet crack soon turns to horror as it appears whatever it was affecting the colonists has made it's way on board and is quickly tearing through the crew of the Ishimura. The story follows a security officer and her team as they deal with the disturbance first hand, and the rapidly changing state of the ship from the view of the Captain's nest.


I'll take a moment and speak of the game. As you make your way through what becomes readily apparent as the ruins of the Ishimura, you are given the sense that something very, very wrong has happened. Blood covers the walls, mysterious messages and warnings are scrawled all over the place, and everything is in a general state of disarray. It becomes very clear, very quickly that this is a place that no longer welcomes or values human life, and that every second spent on the ship means yours is in a state of constant danger. Your only clues as to what happened are found through paying attention to your surroundings, and collecting various audio/video logs scattered around the ship. If you were like me, your interest was piqued, and every new area was a literal sensory assault of new information that drew you in and demanded you got to the bottom of what went wrong. If you're viewing the movie with this same mindset, I suggest you don't. There's literally nothing of value here, not even the explanation of how the ship was overrun in the first place, which was handled poorly.





The story itself  isn't very cohesive, with surprisingly brief moments referencing the  game it's based on. While scenes like the siezing of the captain are intact (albeit slightly changed), the long duration of time of which the events took place in the story logs is suspiciously absent, and all the details along with them. While key characters like Captain Matthias, Dr. Kline, and even Issac's girlfriend Nicole make an appearance, they're woefully underused, and seem like their purpose was just to give the movie an air of legitimacy more than anything else. Of all the details missing however, most notable is the absence of Dr.Mercer, the Unitologist scientist who is just as responsible for the Necromorph presence as the aliens themselves. His absence means the absence of his and Dr. Kline's research, the "naming" of the creatures, the horrific experiments taking place onboard the Ishimura, the deterioration of the entire crew, the religious fanaticism, and several other key points the game worked so hard to establish.. According to this movie, the Ishimura was boarded, siezed, and taken over in a matter of hours, conveniently ending with enough time for the USG Kellion (the ship Issac is aboard) to begin docking.





The worst part is, you can clearly see the story at least trying to stay on track, with an onboard patient exhibiting the dementia and irrational behavior indicative of what happened on the colony, discussions between Kline and the Captain that clearly mimic what was heard in-game, and the slow deterioration of the shipmates in the nest, but it's not enough. It never goes anywhere with them, and the film actually changes things around to suit it's scattershot nature. The scene near the end with the Marker is particularly insulting, as it literally makes NO sense unless you take a sequence from the game out of context. I honestly believe those plot elements were duct taped to the side just to keep the viewer wanting more background information, and as the movie drags on it's clear you'll get none of that. It touches on subjects, and hints constantly, but ultimately leaves more questions than answers, and the gaping holes it pokes in the plot are unforgiveable.


Visually, the movie is unimpressive, with terrible CG sequences and a primetime Kids-WB attention to detail. Characters are bland and not at all visually striking, and the lack of detail means the Necromorphs themselves aren't as frightening as they should be. Voice acting is decent, but the amount of swearing is unnecessary. It's clear that the movie is rated R just from the violence alone (one good scene in particular has a man getting his jaw ripped off), but in some spots, every other word is "fuck", and it comes off more forced than mature. The action sequences won't particularly wow you either, and even though the amount of gore is outrageous, they're still nothing to write home about.


If you haven't played the game any, you won't be able to tell the difference, and will likely write off Dead Space's story as nonsense. If you have, then you'll feel like someone slapped you in the face. Basically, Dead Space: Downfall takes all the back story and plot details that made the story so believable and compelling, throws it away, and condenses it into a gory action fest.


How this movie became licensed and approved is beyond me. It plays out more like a "what if" fanfic than a legitimate part of the timeline. Don't waste your time.





I know I'm sorry I did.

Katherine : Is it a virus?
ExpertPenguin : I wouldn't call it a virus, but it definitely has soemthing to do with that artifact
ExpertPenguin : the Marker
Katherine : You're telling me the Devil's Crayon did this shit
ExpertPenguin : There's something on it, or inside it, or SOMETHING
ExpertPenguin : That when it was activated, started causing this
ExpertPenguin : and lol, devil's crayon
ExpertPenguin : it was in the fucking cargo bay of the Ishimura...idiots
Katherine : Did they dig this up in some indigenous planet?
Katherine : See, this is why I don't mess with Africa man
ExpertPenguin : Yes
ExpertPenguin : (lol)
Katherine : Pff
Katherine : Why did I know
ExpertPenguin : The miners, they dug it up from the planet
ExpertPenguin : That's when things started going downhill
Katherine : I bet they were white
Katherine : there's always a damn sign somewhere
Katherine : DONT TOUCH THE ACCURSED OBJECT
ExpertPenguin : YES
Katherine : White person: "Pshaw. I'm gonna be rich"
Katherine : And then, they pry it off the damn ground, and its to hell in a handbasket
ExpertPenguin : All the logs I kept reading about how they shouldn't touch, let alone MOVE the damn thing
Katherine : lol
ExpertPenguin : and it was in the right asscheek of the Ishimura
ExpertPenguin : Like gee, I wonder WHY there are disfigured what-the-hells running around this ship like THE GODDAMNED PLANET THEY DISCOVERED IT ON
Katherine : Lol



Coming up next..

(Homecoming review is up..Check it out! )









I have a story to share...for it's creation, I'm not to blame.
However heed it's words, and you'll stay alive, just the same.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where is Steven, mommy? He can't play and I'm sad.
You mustn't ask, my darling- Steven has been bad.





Billy too, and Sally? Did they do something wrong?
I'm afraid it's true child- all your friends are gone.





Beware of he who took them- he goes by many names.
The Bogeyman, the Shadowed One, but all are he, the same.





For every sin a child has, must be a punishment to bear.
Your friends are now beyond our reach: trapped deep within his lair.





Remember to always behave, for sins he won't abide.
He wields a rusty, jagged blade, to cut out your insides.





The lying little children, with souls selfish and small,
Will find their wriggling tongues cut out, and nailed to his wall.





And if they take what is not theirs, there can be no doubt
He'll stretch their skin until it snaps, and all the blood drains out.





The bullies and their spiteful wrath will find torment as well,
Soon he will strike them where they stand and drag them into hell.





Child, you must obey your parents: do everything they say.
Little ones who do otherwise, he tortures in the flames.





Beatings cleanse the soul, they say, and that is what he'll do
If you don't control your anger then you'll feel his anger too.





You are your brother's keeper, remember it always.
Or else, the Bogeyman will chain you underneath the waves.





And while good children live, bad ones cannot escape their fate
For once you hear his screeching wail, it's already too late.





So do not cry aloud at night stay hidden in your bed...
Or the Bogeyman from Silent Hill will come chop off your head.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------








Tis the truth...

Alright, so Final Fantasy XIII is coming out on the Xbox 360.

These were the boards on GameFAQs minutes after the announcement was made.



Source:Pedro Blandino @ Destructoid



Do you see where I'm about to go with this?

I can't understand the mindless ranting, the cries of despair at a supposed defection, the sinking feeling of a million rabid fans hearts as their favorite series, one they used to hold above their heads as a badge of honor and justification for purchasing a Playstation over any other console has just been yanked from under their feet like some cheap throw rug in a thrift shop. Would you believe me if I told you there's a petition RIGHT NOW begging Square to keep it PS3 exclusive?

Stop crying, grow up, please. Everytime an announcement like this is made, a console sheep dies, and another useless petition is drawn up in an attempt to stop it from happening. You're not cool, and you definitely can't stop the wheels of change by stomping your feet loud enough that the creators will have an epiphany and cancel their plans in order to sate your ego and give you forum flamebait.

As a gamer, I go where the games are, and as such, fanboy( or girl)ism was only cool in elementary school when we couldn't afford to buy our own systems and we passionately defended our consoles of choice. That's the long and the short of it. With us squrely dependant on how much our parents were willing to spoil us, if we were not spoiled enough to have every console we wanted at our disposal, we fervantly parroted each company's respective marketing jabs, and a few with our own twists thrown in.

"Sega does what Nintendon't."

"Play it Loud"

"Mario sucks because he's fat, he should lay off the pasta"

"You got the kiddy version of the fatalities!"

It was fun. If you were one of the lucky kids, you never engaged in those debates, in fact, you were likely an authority because you were playing EVERYTHING. Those days are long past now, and even though a console generation or two has slipped by since then, it seems we're still getting caught in the same traps, exclusive console titles building bridges to yet another string of endless "Whose got the better system" fan rage debates. I rarely engage nowadays.

Though I digress a bit. The point is that now I'm older, and have enough money to afford every system on the market if need be, so these matters are no longer an issue.

While it is very true that it's a console's exclusives are as much an incentive to purchase a system as the technology itself, Square "losing" Final Fantasy to Microsoft isn't the worst thing that could've happened. In fact, It's almost expected. No, I do not own a PS3 (MGS4 on it's own is not enough of a reason to plunk down 500 right now), and it's true that FF13 not being on the system is one less reason to buy it for me. But why is everyone up in arms like the death of Sony is imminent? If Sony were going to tank, they would've by now.

The Playstation brand as a whole, and it's dedicated fans still have Gran Turismo 5, FFXIII Versus, Killzone, Resistance, Ratchet & Clank, God of War, Uncharted, etc as first party games. They will always exist. Final Fantasy is a drop in the bucket by comparison, and If you, as a self-marked Playstation fan do not even consider that thought for a second, it says more about your faith in your beloved brand than you know.

I suppose what annoys me more than anything else, is the fact that every time something like this happens, when a previously Playstation exclusive game appears on the Xbox, cries of "sellout" and "OMGWTFBETRAYAL" permeate the internet like an out-of-control wildfire.

What everyone doesn't realize is that psuedo-exclusive games like MGS, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy, Grand Theft Auto etc enjoyed their exclusivity on the Playstation not as a pledge to Sony's throne, but because at the time, Sony was the market leader and that was where the money was. It's unfortunate to say it, but gaming is a business first and an art form second, no matter how prominent the latter shows through in a final product. The reason all these games are jumping ship now is because the 360 is the lead next generation platform this time around, and Sony isn't on top anymore. With development costs rising the further technology goes, as a third-party developer, it just isn't financially advantageous to release exclusively on any platform, much less the Playstation 3 because it's audience and attach rate happen to be very low at this point in time compared to it's competition. In fact, it's a huge risk any time something third-party ISN'T multiplatform.

(I am not mentioning the Wii because it seems to have carved out it's own niche in the market, and is not literally considered a "next-gen" advancement of technology to compete with Sony and Microsoft)

You can see it in the numbers. Formerly Playstation-centric staples like Madden, Devil May Cry, and Grand Theft Auto have sold much higher on the 360 simply because there are more of them out there and there is more money to be made. Every multiplatform release is designed with the 360 as the lead platform because it made it to market first, and has the wider audience. Is it fair? That's arguable, because what's happening with the 360 is exactly what Sony did with the Playstation 2 for 7 years. No one complained then.

No one should now. This will keep happening as long as the industry moves on. The best you can do is go along with it, and purchase whatever you want, or just not participate at all.

This whole console allegiance thing though? You're only hurting yourself in the long run. After all, you're not really advocates of a immaculate branding.

You're just victims of financial circumstance.