I'm 40 years old today.  Go me!  Thank you to everyone for the great comments and phonecalls and texts and cards and gifts and attention.  I feel very loved and very fortunate to have so many people who care about me.

Mylene and I spent my birthday by doing a day-trip to the Carnegie Museum of Natural History and the Carnegie Science Center.  At the Natural History museum we saw a lot of dinosaur bones and a LOT of fancy rocks, which Mylene especially loves.





From there we stopped at the Original Hot Dog Shop, aka "The Greasy O."  I have a lot of fond memories of having lunch there with my mom when she used to work at the Cathedral of Learning, so it meant a lot to me to be able to take Mylene there.  Mylene wasn't impressed with their pizza (she's a tough pizza critic), but she did really like their fries, which is more of what they're famous for.  She wouldn't try the hot dog I got 'cause I got one of the "burnt beef" ones.



Then we went to the Carnegie Science Center, where we got to see a "Laser Beatles" show that I especially loved, and Mylene got to play with a lot of interactive science exhibits.  We could have spent even more time there, but they closed.

On the way home, two things crossed my mind.

First, I saw a bumper sticker that said:



The problem I have with pro-life slogans like these are the automatic assumption that just because I'm alive, my mother was obviously pro-life. This not only comes across as arrogant, it comes across as completely missing the point of the term "pro-CHOICE."  Just because a person is alive doesn't mean that the parent didn't make a choice to carry that child to term.  That very same woman could have made a different choice with a different pregnancy.  That's the point.

You want to argue that "It's A Child, Not a Choice," or that "Some Choices Are Wrong," fine.  That reflects a specific point of view.  You want to say that "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart," fine.  That's a biological fact.  But when you start arguing "Your Mother Was Pro-Life," then you're asserting that your opinions are someone else's opinions, and trying to use my very existence to frame it as a fact.  The logic is flawed; it's not a fact, it's someone reading their opinion into the facts.

On to lighter things...

The second thing to cross my mind on my way home was how happy I am with  my iPod.  I got it for my birthday three years ago now, and it continues to live up to everything I always wanted from a music machine.  I heard "Sweet Home Alabama" and "25 or 6 to 4" on the radio while Mylene and I were driving into Pittsburgh today, so it made me want to hear the Moog Cookbook versions of the songs, so I put the album on.  Coming home it was snowing, so I felt like putting on my "Snowfall" playlist.  I started feeling a little melancholy, so I put it on shuffle, and that's when it hit me, it's really become a perfect personalized radio station for me.  I have a lot of stuff in there by artists I like that I don't immediately recognize, sandwiched between my favorite songs and artists, new stuff and classic favorites, very little or none of which I'd actually hear on the radio.  It continues to evolve from year to year as I add more and more music.  I've dreamed of something like this my entire life.  Seriously.  When I first heard about MP3 players, I knew it was getting close; when I first tried Frank's iPod, I knew this was the kind I wanted; and when iPods finally hit 60 gigs and could have a shot at holding all my music, I knew the time had finally come.

The only thing I'd change about my iPod is I'd like it to guarantee that it played one song by Information Society and one song by the Pet Shop Boys once an hour.  But other than that, I'm just as happy with my iPod today as I was three years ago.  This is the music machine I've waited my entire life for.

That's all for now.  :)

Here's how a typical conversation will go between me and Rich:

"So, did you see last night's Stargate Atlantis?"

"Naww, I'm two episodes behind.  I was getting caught up on my comics.  Are you caught up on Final Crisis yet?"

"No, I still have four issues backed up.  I've been too busy trying to get caught up on the Legacy of the Force books and yet not fall behind on the latest Star Trek books."

Can you see the problem here?

I've seen this in many of my friends blogs too.  (I'm looking at you, Jonathan. )  When did our entertainment become something we had to keep up with?

Which isn't to say that it isn't fun.  If I wasn't enjoying Atlantis, Final Crisis, Legacy of the Force, Trek books, and so many many more, I wouldn't bother with them.  TV shows have learned to use what I loved about anime and comic books for decades-- ongoing story arcs and character growth.  Gone are the days of interchangeable episodes-- nowadays, if you want to try out a show, you need to get the box set and start at episode 1.

But somewhere along the line I think we got too much of a good thing.  I now have so much that I'm into already that I'm very, very selective about giving any new shows or comics a chance.  Because time is so valuable.

And there's the key of it-- time.  We also need time for our friends, our families, our jobs, our responsibilities...

Because, really, those are what's most important.  Is my life really going to be worse off if I don't get around to watching Sarah Connor Chronicles?  No, of course not.  Oh sure, someone might spoiler something for me, which will make me angry for a little while, but it's not like it's going to change my life.  [And on a short tangent here-- part of the reason that we have that need to be caught up is to keep from being out of the loop in our fandom communities.  But that's a blog for another time.]

I've realized that by having to set goals for all my entertainment just "to stay caught up," I've actually started putting pressure on myself.  ("Let's see, I need to read 45 pages a day to get this book done by the time the next book comes out...")

So the first thing to go was all my entertainment goals.

After that, I started realizing my hobby goals were doing the same thing to me.  (Have to get at least one volume of the home movies copied to DVD per week, etc etc etc...)

What was left was my personal growth goals -- exercising, meditation, and getting enough sleep -- and my household goals.

And while the household goals are definitely important, I found myself actually getting more done when I didn't distract myself by meeting goals with them.  Just doing what needed to be done that moment, and not trying to multitask.  Not feeling like "If I don't get two loads of laundry done a day, the house will fall apart!"  It won't.  I can still say "Oh, lookitdat, only one pair of underwear left, and it's the one with all the holes in it.  I think I'll make today a laundry day."

Goals are a good thing, but I've decided it's better to prioritize them and leave them tied to responsibilities.  By letting my entertainment and hobbies be something I had to be "caught up with," it was becoming another pressure.  So I'm letting that pressure go-- my goal is now to let go of my goals. 

For anyone who knows me but doesn't follow Joy's blog... Joy's father passed away yesterday. 

It happened very suddenly.  He called us around 10 am on Thursday, concerned that he might be having a stroke.  We rushed over and called an ambulance.  When we arrived, he was dizzy and shaky but was still his normal, joking self.  I keep remembering that he was joking with the EMTs as they helped him down to the ambulance.

When he reached the hospital he started going downhill quicker, and they quickly identified it as a brain hemorrhage.  They couldn't stop it bleeding there, so he was airlifted to a hospital in Pittsburgh and immediately rushed into surgery.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, the doctor came to talk to us.  He told us that too much damage had been done to the brain stem by the bleeding and he didn't know if he would recover.

We stayed with him for two very long days.  We had a little bit of hope when he started to twitch his feet.  However, that night the doctor told us it was one of the lowest reflexive reactions and it did not look good.

On Saturday afternoon, we were told that he had been declared brain dead, and would never recover.

Dick had always made his wishes very, very clear.  He did not want to be kept on life support.  He did not even want to be revived if he was going to be an invalid.

He was also very vocal about being an organ donor.  We've been told that his kidneys, his liver and his lungs have helped keep other people alive.  The hospital told us today that someone had been flown in from Philadelphia for the lung transplant.  So it's reassuring to know that other people are living on because of him.

The whole thing is just such a shock.  He was in fine health before this... we had absolutely no warning.  Part of me still finds it hard to believe that the man I saw go into the ambulance was the same man I sat in the hospital room with.

So anyway, we're all racing around now trying to notify everyone who needs to know and take care of all the funeral arrangements.  Everyone is emotionally worn out.

So, that's why I've been out of touch.  I probably still will be for a while.  I've been lurking on a few things online but I just don't have the energy to respond right now.

We're comforted by the fact that we knew exactly what his wishes were, and we never had a moment of wondering what we should do, and that his passing is helping other people to live.  It's made me decide to become an organ donor too.

When we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, he started telling me to tell Mylene how much he loved her.  I told him not to worry, he could tell her himself when this was all over.  I honestly believed he would get to.  I never would have guessed that he was right and I would have to relay his message.

So, tell your loved ones that they are loved.

I feel like I should be rewriting this to clean it up, but that's all I've got in me right now.  I'll still be logging on to unwind from time to time, and will start posting replies to everyone when I feel up to it later.

I've tried starting this blog about four times! This was a really big deal to me, on a LOT of different levels. So forgive me if the story wanders a bit. I have a lot to cover!

Okay, so basic set up here: I think everyone knows that Information Society is one of my all-time favorite bands. They splintered into various solo acts in the mid-90's, and then went into totally different careers by the time 2000 rolled around. So my favorite band was essentially dead and gone. So I was already thrilled when they got back together again in 2006, and put out a GREAT album in 2007 called Synthesizer.

They're not doing a lot of concerts, so when they announced in November that they were coming to Philly in January, I knew I HAD to go to this show. I had no idea how I was going to pull it off, but still, I started trying to make some plans.

As December started drawing to a close, those plans were falling apart. I was getting bummed about it, and I realized I needed to rearrange my thinking. Look at this realistically, I told myself-- I don't HAVE to go to this show. I just really, really WANT to go to this show. Once I realized that distinction in my mind, I found an inner peace with not being able to go. There was still regret, definitely, but in the larger scale of things I have what I NEED-- a loving family, wonderful friends, a roof over our head and food on the table.

The show was being filmed for a DVD release, which was something of a mixed blessing-- on the one hand, I'd defintely get to see the show eventually... on the other hand, I know every other time something like this has happened, I've watched the video with a bittersweet feeling in my chest that I could have actually been there for it, been a part of it, but I wasn't. But I decided I really wanted to look at the glass as half full, and made my peace with the fact that I'd at least be able to still see the show when it came out on DVD.

So I contacted everyone I'd been making plans with to let them know I wasn't going to be able to make it... and then some very wonderful people stepped up to make sure it would all come together for me. Elizabeth made sure I'd be able to get to the show. Steve made sure I'd be able to get my ticket. And AJ made sure I'd be able to have a place to stay.

I felt so blessed I thought my heart would burst. :) Seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve having so many people looking out for me and watching over me. Thank you again, one and all!!!!

As I was packing to leave on Saturday morning, Joy and I were talking about all the various details about the trip, and I realized... this is a very big thing I'm accomplishing here. I've been so held down by depression and anxiety over the last year that the very concept of me traveling across the state by myself, meeting someone I've never met in person before, and reuniting with a friend I haven't seen in over 15 years... I never could have done this two months ago. I would have been panicking and/or so afraid of what people would think of me that I would have just given up as soon as the first stumbling blocks came up. The very fact that I was making this trip-- and felt totally confident of my ability to make it-- was a huge step forward for me! I pointed this out to Joy and she gave me a hug, telling me how glad she was of how far I've come.

I left a message on James's myspace page to say I was on my way to the show, and he sent me back a message saying how glad he was that I was going to make it and asking if my daughter was coming! How cool is that??

So off I went, spirits high, Mapquest directions in hand, bags full of snacks and water, and my iPod shuffling all my InSoc (just to be uber-geeky). I made it to AJ's with very little trouble, and he showed me his place and we chatted for an hour or so before I had to leave for the show. Seeing him again was good. He's changed in a lot of ways but in many ways it felt like the old days when I'd hang out at his place.

So, next stop: The Trocadero Theater! I had forgotten what it was like to drive through a big city freeway that you're not familiar with at dark. A bit stressful, but I made it with no problems, and found parking easily enough. After a few false starts of walking the wrong way, I reached the theater at about 7:15 and got in line. I was only there for about ten minutes, when the next people to get in line behind me were none other than Ghost in Daylight, PsiFi and Elizabeth! We recognized each other from our profiles and made our official hellos and chatted a bit.

I stood in line with a feeling of amazement and disbelief. I was actually here. This was really going to happen! I had totally resigned myself to missing all this, yet here I was. I could tell I had this big dopey grin on my face but I just didn't care.

They let us in around 8:15, and we made our way towards the stage. There were two opening acts, Cesium 137 and Thou Shalt Not, which I might have enjoyed a bit more if a) I was familiar with their music and/or b) the volume was about 100 decibles lower. I usually love watching live bands I know nothing about, and they were both totally energetic and fun to watch, but in both cases it was just hard to make out anything they were playing. At one point the vibrations were physically getting to be too much, and all of a sudden I just had this realization that I was totally crowded in and I could feel the panic rising. So I closed my eyes and centered myself-- one of the things my counselor has talked with me about is the concept of a "teflon mind," where you see what the situation is and what you're feeling and you acknowledge it, but you just let it slide off, without taking it inside yourself. So that's what I did, I just acknowledged that yes, I am feeling panicked but there's nothing really to panic over, and I'm here to have a good time, so let's just let the panic go and relax and have a good time. And it totally worked. :)

And then, at last, Information Society takes the stage. Now, I've seen them twice before-- once in 1990 during their "Hack" tour, and once in 1992 for the "Peace & Love Inc." tour, so I thought I had some idea of what I was in for. Boy, was I wrong. The 1990 show was very abrupt-- Kurt had very little banter between the songs, and when the last song was over he just said "Thank you, goodnight," left the stage, and that was it. No encores, no nothin'. The 1992 show was a little more friendly, and James came out and talked to us a little after the show and signed some autographs-- unfortunately I wasn't expecting that so I didn't have my autograph book with me for him to sign. I remember leaving that show feeling that James was the one who seemed the most relaxed with the whole thing, since Kurt and Paul both looked so serious on stage.

But this... this was a whole new Kurt. He had clowned on stage in the other shows, but in this one he just seemed the most relaxed I've ever seen him on stage. He was chatting between every song, and interacting with the crowd. "Now that we're officially washed up, we can do whatever the hell we want," he quipped.

The set itself was a wonderful blend, alternating between songs off of Synthesizer and classics from the older albums. They had said they were going to do stuff from even their early self-released EPs, but I was still shocked when they did "Growing Up with Shiva"-- one of my favorite tracks from their first EP, but one I never DREAMED I'd get to see live. I was figuring they'd probably do "Fall in Line," so this was a very pleasant surprise.

So I'm just enjoying the show, thrilling in every moment. I'd watch Kurt a lot since he was the center of attention, then James for a bit, then Paul for a bit. And so I'm watching Paul... and then stops, looks right at me, and mouths "Hi, Fer." And I am like TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY. He actually recognized little ol' me in the crowd!! So I just flash him a peace sign, he gives me a thumbs up, and goes back to making his music. I still get this warm fuzzy glow anytime I think about it. :)

And here's the real kicker-- someone caught it on tape!! After the show I was searching for clips on YouTube, and I freaked out all over again when the 45 second clip someone posted turned out to be of THAT moment. What are the odds?!? So here it is. For those of you who don't know the band, Paul's the tall blonde one on the right. Keep your eyes on him, you can practically read his lips saying "Hi Fer"!!!!!



Seriously, HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

To top it off, later in the set they played "I Like the Way You Werk It," and the monitors ran footage from their video for the song. To make this video they had asked that the fans send in footage of themselves doing the robot, and both Elizabeth and Mylene & I had done it. I didn't know if they would use all the clips they used in the video-- but they used Elizabeth's, and then there, larger than life on three giant monitors, was the clip of Mylene, MY KID, doing the robot!! Man, I hope that shows up on the DVD.

So after the show, we all hung around for a bit, hoping the band would show up. This time, I had my autograph book! After the '92 show I figured getting James's autograph was a safe bet, and I was hoping for Paul's, but I figured Kurt was probably gone. So I was shocked when Elizabeth pointed behind me and said "There's Kurt!" James and Paul also showed up shortly after, so I went to talk to them briefly first, to tell them how much I loved the show, and they very graciously signed my autograph book. :) Paul gave me a smile and said "Glad you could make it," sending my head reeling all over again that he actually knew who I was!

Around this time security started ushering us off of the dancefloor, so I figured, oh well, I've missed my shot at getting Kurt's autograph. But there he was in the lobby, still chatting and signing autographs! So I waited my turn, and then the security started ushering us out of the lobby. So I figured, oh well, that'll be the end of THAT, but then Kurt went out into the street to keep signing! And Kurt's just chatting it up and being so friendly to everyone. Finally, he asks, "Um... what's the temperature?" "Around 19 degrees," someone answered. "And, what am I wearing...?" he continued. Well, it wasn't like he planned to go out in the cold, so he was only wearing a t-shirt! So it hit me I have one of those coats that has two layers, and you zip the heavier outer coat onto a lighter inner coat-- if he's going to go to all this trouble for us, the least I can do is give him my outer coat to wear. So I did, and he seemed quite grateful. Finally my turn came up and he asked where I came from, and I told him Pittsburgh. And he looked up at me and said "You're not going to try and drive back home tonight, are you?" sounding genuinely concerned. I assured him that no, I had a friend I was staying with. Elizabeth took some pictures of the whole thing for me:




See, there's that dopey smile I was telling you about. I wore it all night. And probably all the next day too.



Kurt in my coat!

So eventually the crowd died down to just the five of us, and Kurt gave me back my coat, and we called it a night. I made my goodbyes, glad to have gotten to meet everyone-- not just the band, but Elizabeth and Ghost in Daylight and PsiFi too. I felt very lucky, not just that I got to experience all this, but that I got to experience it with the people in our little InSoc MySpace community too. Since these are the people I've been seeing and talking to ever since the band came back, it just felt right.

While saying goodbye, I said "You know, this is probably the third best night of my life, right behind my wedding and my daughter being born." And I think it was. Because not only was it the best concert I've ever been to by my favorite band doing songs I never ever dreamed I'd get to hear them play, not only did they actually *recognize* me and were all so damn friendly... but it was a complete and total success for me, mentally and emotionally, in a situation that could have stressed me out not more than three months ago.

Maybe it's a sign, a sign that 2008 is going to be a year where things keep improving. I hope so. We're off to a beautiful start.

So thank you again. Thank you to Elizabeth, Steve and AJ for making this trip possible, to Paul Robb, Kurt Harland Larson and James Cassidy, both for working so hard to put on such a great show and for each one of you making me feel so special, to Joy for being so supportive and encouraging about both the concert and my getting better, and to Sue for being such a great guide helping me get to where I am today. You're all fantastic and I am so very, very blessed to have you all in my lives.

Sometimes I get discouraged and feel very alone.  There's a Bisexual Pittsburgh group... but the website hasn't been updated since March 2004.  They have a newsgroup... which nobody ever posts on.  Today I discovered the AfterElton Bisexual Men's News page... and it hasn't had a new article since August 2006.   

And it makes me feel like, well, being bi we just blend in with whichever crowd we're with.  We're gay with our gay friends and straight with our straight friends.  So we just don't have any bi unity and attempts at bi visibility never last and eventually we all just fade away.

And then I start to feel like, what's wrong with me?  Why am I the only one out of all the gazillions of bi people I used to know who didn't stop identifying as bi after I settled down?

When that happens, I like to come here to myspace.  I hit the "Browse" button, and I set the prefereces to show me everyone within 5-10 miles of me who has listed themselves as bi, regardless of age, gender, relationship, etc.  I always love what I find.  Today it listed 277 people within 10 miles.  Some younger, some older, some with big loud flashy profiles, some with quiet simple profiles, some shallow, some deep, some of the beautiful people, some of the not-so-beautiful people, and every combination in between.  And that's just within 10 miles. 

Instead of feeling like the bi community has faded away and into the background, I find myself feeling like we have a diversity and a range that has no limits.

It reminds me that no matter where we are or how we're feeling, we're never as alone as we think we are.  There are other people who relate around us all the time, just quietly living their lives.
 
It feels good. 

Summer's here, and I have a lot to say.  I've just been too busy to say it lately.  But I hope to soon.

In the meantime, here's a very amusing quiz that my sister posted.  Some of the answers don't work at all, but some of them turned out great, and it is a pretty fair representation of what I listen to.  So without further ado:

-----------------


RULES:
1. Put Your itunes, windows media plyer etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Fanfare 2 (Dramatic Fanfare IV)"  [Neil Richardson]

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"N.R.G Symphony in F Minor" [Adamski]  (I rather like how that one worked out.)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Don't Stop Believin'" [Brian Kent]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"You Are My Everything"  [Tommy Dorsey]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Robotrivia"  [2-XL Music]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"King's Cross"   [Pet Shop Boys]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Fluorassic Dawn"  [Brian Scott Bennett]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Hand in My Pocket" [Alanis Morissette]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Gone Hollywood" [Supertramp]

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"I'm Alright" [Pansy Division]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
"Bound"   [Neuropa]   (...and I just finished putting his coller on him!  Oh, wait, that say "Bestie," not "Beastie.")

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"I'm Alive" [Seal]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"In the Beginning" [Meco]  (Rather like how that one turned out too.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Bad Wisdom" [Suzanne Vega] (This one only kind of works as a title answer, but if you know the lyrics to this song, it's really quite a creepy reply.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"I Can't Dance"   [Genesis]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Let Me Be Your Hog" [Weird Al Yankovic]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"The Trigger" [Neuropa] (You know, I have very little Neuropa in my playlist, so it's odd they showed up twice.  Guess this means I'll die by getting shot?)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
"Taxman"  [The Beatles]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Lay All Your Love On Me"  [Information Society]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"The Empty Arena (a) End Fanfare" [Keith Mansfield]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Here"  [Pet Shop Boys]

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Sandals in the Sand" [KPM Music Library 325-35]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. 

First, for all the great support everyone's been showing me, all the wonderful comments and support, both here and in the "real world." 

And second, to everyone for making my birthday yesterday so perfect!!

I feel so loved and am so grateful to each and every one of you.  I am truly blessed.  THANKS!!  You guys are all the best!!!! 

It's been a rough few months, which is a big part of why I haven't been on the internet much lately.

I got hit with a really bad depression spell.  Looking back through my journal I now realize I've been in a downward spiral for about five months.  But life always has a certain amount of "background depression" which you just ignore, so I kept trying to just pull myself out of it.

My friends know that I'm a recovering cutter.  For anyone who doesn't know what that means, a cutter is someone who injures themselves as a way of taking control over their emotions.  I refer to myself as a "recovering" cutter because for me it's been something like alcoholism-- once you get into it, your brain can get rewired into thinking this is the normal way to handle stress, so that even when you get out of it you still get the urge to do it, even years later.  And so each day you just tell yourself "I'm not going to cut myself today," until those days add up to weeks and months and years.  I had a good fourteen year streak going, but unfortunately about two months ago I blew it.  But in its own way it let me know that things had gone too far and I needed help.  I'm happy to say that I've taken those steps to get help and start turning things around.  Tonight will make five weeks since my last cut, and I aim to beat my old record.  

Starting over again is very hard... once you screw up the urges get even stronger than before, over smaller and smaller things, and are even harder to ignore.  But I made it through before and I'll do it again.

So, as to what brought on this round of depression...  It sounds stupid to say it, but it was mostly my job.  That's actually bigger than it sounds;  for most of that time I was the sole provider for my family, and on a factory worker's wage that's not terribly easy.  So I had let myself get pushed into higher and higher positions at my job, which brought in more money but made me more and more unhappy.  I wound up being a supervisor and QC Inspector, both jobs of which I absolutely hated.  I reached the point where even the simplest decisions were just breaking me down.

Finally I just cracked and hit rock bottom and didn't care what I lost.  My superiors started realizing there was a problem (kind of unavoidable after my breakdown) and I'm happy to say they moved me out of those jobs and I'm starting fresh at the bottom in a new department.

Shortly after this change was made the plant was shut down for 12 days over the holidays.  Staying home and getting to just relax with my family and friends over Christmas and New Years did me a world of good.  I felt calm and optimistic.  I got to post holiday comments to everyone.  I felt like a completely different person, and boy did that feel good.

I feel like all that depression should be over and behind me now, but now that the vacation is over and it's time to be responsible again I'm finding it's a bit of an uphill climb.  It scares me because I really don't want to fall backwards again. Joy, who has totally been my rock and such a blessing through all of this and probably deserves to be sainted, has pointed out to me that if it took that long to fall that far then it's going to take a while to climb back up again.  I am so lucky to have her.

I know I generally try to keep my page a happy place and avoid all the whiny mellowdrama, but I feel like I needed to do this to help me move on.

So hey, here's to moving on and a fresh start in the new year.  :)