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Opening up his heart and soul A look inside the mind of Devin Mitchell Durbin™.

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Devin Durbin


Last Updated: 10/12/2009

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Status: Single
Age: 16
Sign: Sagittarius

State: Illinois
Signup Date: 9/24/2006

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[18 Aug 2009 | Tuesday] 8:03 PM
Consumer Ed - Merano
Intro to vis. Art - Campbell
Boys Pe-A Mateer M-W-F
Study Hall 207 T-T McVickers
4aLun/4bH159 Wilhour
American History - Kratovil
Concert Choir - (Duh) Mr.Chase
English 11 - Kensil
Algebra B - Potter.....

Creative Writing - Roberts
Intro To Visual Arts - Campbell
Boys Pe-D - Mateer T-T
(study hall probably M-W-F but no clue where they didn't put it on the schedule... the morons)
4a lun/ 4bH159 Wilhour
American History - Kratovil
Concert Choir - (Duh) Mr.Chase
English 11 - Kensil
Algebra B - Potter......
[24 Jul 2009 | Friday] 3:46 AM

Category: Writing and Poetry
Everytime I try to hate you, despise your name Laugh at you like the misery isn't there at all. I'm fit for insanity if that makes any sense All my life i've been troubled by something, I can't seem to take the pain I can't see Can't breathe No laughter Without sorrow A cliche from the mad world that originally filled us with more sorrow Contempt And this is it Are you cheery? All the while weary... I miss the freedom Your arms, and my lungs Time went b so fast Too slow without you here Am I only living out A newborn lie? Aren't breakups supposed to be inspirational? So where the hell is my inspiration. This isn't inspired. All in all its the same whiney emo bullshit I've wrote for years. It's obvious I think about you... I know you think abut me... It's obvious I know I should just forget I know your going away... It's obvious What remains the same is I'll always love you to the end no matter your reasons for leaving me behind are. Because you showed me just for a little bit what it meant to live and love in the moment... (Even though I can't look you in the eye....)
[21 Jul 2009 | Tuesday] 4:09 AM

Current mood:  ashamed
Category: Writing and Poetry
Today, I realized for the first time why I’ve been so angry, so cold, so lost, and disturbed. My summer looked so promising. I was to say “in love” I’m tired of keeping this inside now that I understand my problem. I had two long months left that could have been filled with this bright light that I had been searching so long for. Yeah I believe that everything happens for a reason but what reason do you have for me losing someone that made me happy? To make me stronger? Drive me crazy? Give me inspiration, well the first two are big winners. The last? Bullshit. I can’t think of any reason why. Until then I think, to give me time to get over her before school starts? I don’t know if that’s going to happen, I’m pretty good at holding on for far too long. Just ask. The longest I’ve held on to a maddengly murdering me slowly love lust was just a little under two in a half years. Yeah and you know what? I sometimes find myself slipping and looking back at that too. Yeah I’m definatly not strong when it comes to forcing myself on. It’s kind of sad. But that’s my life.
“Don’t look over your shoulder,  ’cause that’s just the ghost of me your seein.”  Ghost of Me – DAUGHTRY
But I understand fully why this has hurt so much. I wasn’t ready, I thought everything had been resolved. I thought I had it made. I thought I had another two months before I’d have to let her go. Maybe I just held my hopes out for too long. And what’s worse is I can’t even get myself to look at her whenever I see her running through the park, driving by in her car, and it’s got to the point that I’ve pussied out every chance I’ve gotten to call her and ask her to return my cd. I’m usually not this bad. Or is this just a new way to do the same damn things I’ve always done.
Holding on for far too long. And hiding from everything I feel as if I were ashamed.
Currently listening:
Leave This Town
By Daughtry
Release date: 2009-07-14
[07 Jul 2009 | Tuesday] 4:04 AM

Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Writing and Poetry
Lyrics©Christopher Sylvester and Devin Durbin
What's wrong Baby, Hate to see me go?

[Verse 1]
Well I'm weak,
But I'm strong
My insecurities
Oh yeah my insecurities
Could eat me alive...
Because I don't want to be seen as weak in your eyes...
[Chorus 1]
I don't want you to see anything wrong in me,
Because there is nothing wrong with me...
Even though the insecurity's real,
I'm just begining to understand how I feel.
[Verse 2]
I'm so sick of letting go,
When I say stay, she just tells me no
You know I'm insecure whenever you're here
I'm not even sure if I want you around,
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
[Chorus 2]
You know I don't want you to see
Anything wrong in me
Because there is nothing wrong with me,
[Bridge]
When you're around, I'm insecure
And insecurity's a bitch,
When all the answers are lost,
And all the questions change.
I still can't stand to see you go.
You know I want you here.
I want you to go.
[Chorus]
But no I don't want you to see anything wrong in me...
Because there is nothing wrong with me.
The insecurity's real
Sadly I don't know how I feel.

Currently listening:
The Glass Passenger
By Jack's Mannequin
Release date: 2008-09-30
[06 Jul 2009 | Monday] 6:37 AM

Category: Writing and Poetry

These are the albums that are coming out this year that I’m very excited for!


July 14th:

Daughtry – Leave this town

Sick Puppies – Tri-Polar


August 11th:

Cobra Starship – Hot Mess


August 18th:

Third Eye Blind – Ursa Major


August 25th:

Mariah Carey – Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel


September 1st:

The Used - Artwork


September 22nd:

Pearl Jam – Backspacer


September 29th:

Paramore – Brand New Eyes

Alice in Chains – Black Gives Way To Blue


October 6th:

Mayday Parade (album name TBA)


And still waiting for official release times,

30 Seconds To mars (Fall 2009)

ANGELS & AIRWAVES (Winter 2009)

Blink -182 (2009 – 2010)

Breaking Benjamin (TBA)

Creed (August)

Goo Goo Dolls (TBA)

Heart (TBA)

Aaron Lewis (of Staind) (TBA)

Adam Lambert – On With The Show(This was recorded before AI. (Summer 2009)

Adam Lambert (Fall 2009)

Matchbox 20 (TBA)

The Offspring (TBA)

Stone Temple Pilots (TBA)

Velvet Revolver (TBA)

Currently listening:
The Summer EP
By Never Shout Never
Release date: 2009-06-23
[03 Jul 2009 | Friday] 7:05 AM

Current mood:  awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

We can be best friends forever now that we’re not together

No matter what anybody says.

We’ll be best friends forever even though in my dreams you’re still in my arms.


I’ll be the guy that becomes the shopping buddy, the one you wish were gay

And you’d be able to ask me how that dress looks on you and not worry about if I’m having a boner as we speak.


We can be best friends forever now that we’re not together

No matter what anybody says.

We’ll be best friends forever from now on until whenever

No matter what anybody says.



Oddly enough the beginning portion of these lyrics came to me as I was mowing. Oddly enough I'm stuck, but I really love the concept. It could be very interesting.


*shrugs* well that's it for now. 

Currently listening:
Boys Like Girls
Release date: 2007-04-03
[15 Jun 2009 | Monday] 6:17 PM

Category: Writing and Poetry
In the great scheme of things,
Nothing ever makes sense.
With each little step we take,
Something comes from nothing
And it sweeps us away.

The shadows that we have lived in,
Embrace us when we drop our guard.
It's the reality of this prison.
That we will never understand.
[29 May 2009 | Friday] 1:38 AM

Category: Blogging
I began writing a blog a few days ago, as I do at the end of every year. For the past 3 years. A word comes to mind. Nostalgia. What is nostalgia? Well for one it is a noun, and it's definition is this. "a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time."  This is only my second year in highschool but I'm already feeling a big punch of nostalgia. This year like I said in my previous blog had a lot of firsts. Like well, I made it into Madrigals. (Third times a charm.) I played a big role in the THS production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." I met some great people, and became friends with alot of really cool people. I patched up some old relationships, and I destroyed some old relationships. I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people are leaving us again this year. Next year won't be the same. When a senior leaves it is not an isolated event. Seniors have been in the high school for a full 4 years. (With the few exceptions of people who have moved here.) They are so integrated into life by their fourth year in the school that when they leave, we all feel it. People like Taylor Davis, Emma Wilson, Lucas Snow, and many other amazing people love them hate them, I know you probably are losing someone this year that you are close too or you at least no someone who was a big part in something that you knew this school year. Choir isn't going to be the same without Taylor, Emma, and Lucas, and a few other great and amazing voices. I'm going to miss walking in and seeing Taylor do one of his Nixon impersonations, or when Emma and Taylor get into a little fake argument and scream out random things in the middle of choir. I'm going to miss the days in the musical when Lucas runs up to some random person grabs them by the nipple and starts making them scream like a little girl. So many faces that I've become so accustomed to seeing are leaving us. But in no way is a Seniors leaving just something that we can shrug off and think nothing of. When they leave, a bit of us leaves too. We have to fight and put that back together. Next year, me and a few others will no longer be freshmans, sophomores, or Juniors. We'll move on up. I'll become a Junior, and I'll be one step ever closer to that diploma and a future that's just as clouded as it is now, or maybe even more so.

Without further adu I can't end this blog without shouting out to some of the people who have made my life just a little bit happier, by just being there to help me when I'm down, or give me a pointer or two on how to do something or just one random thing or another.

Taylor Davis, Emma Wilson, Kendra Manning, and Lucas snow, you guys made Choir fun I may not have known you very well. But you guys did the most random of things in choir that just made everyone in the room laugh and just take a load off. I'm going to miss that, and I wish you all good luck on your journey's on into the new frontier. "To boldly go..."

Mr Garrett Wilson, you my friend made lunch, the musical, madrigals, and choir personally fun for myself. You always put up with my stupid rantings and me and Buddha's fights, and you even helped us make fun of Thad all the time. You are a great person, and I'm going to miss all the stupid things we've done in choir. It's not going to be the same without you buddy.

And Kenzie. I sort of knew you last year, but last year you were just the student director in the musical. You were an upperclassmen who just went under my radar. This year during the musical something amazing happened. If it weren't for Kori, I don't know where you and me would be by now. But I can't help but thank her for the happiness I've had for over the past month. If I were to die right now, I'd die happy. I've never been this happy in my entire life. No matter where the future takes us, a part of me will always be with you, and the same goes for you. You've made my days worth living. And each morning when I wake up all I see is your eyes, your faces. I live to breathe you in. You are like my ecstasy. You make me feel complete. You are amazing. I love you very much. I don't know but until I met you these words from Rent never made much sense to me. The living by the moment, and not caring what comes next and just going with the flow never made sense to me. Ever. But they do now. "No day but today."

There are other Seniors, that I am going to miss dearly. I'm sorry if I forgot you, but I'm in such a rush I'm on a flow just to outerspace, and I just want you guys to know that you all mean so very much to me.

And to those of you I am going to be seing next year that mean so very much to me. I just want to thank you for every little thing you've ever done for me. Every hello and goodbye we've shared, each and every late night we've stayed up talking about random things. Shooting people's feet with airsoft guns because they won't tell us something we want to know. Or making fun of random people just because we can. To you guys you guys are the icing to my cake. (even though the cake is a lie.) You guys are amazing.
(In no specific order) Taylor Gartshore, Aaron Gosnell, Cassie Burton, Trevor Hinton, Mareva Vaughan, Taylor Neal, B.J., Buddha, Corey McClure, Craig West, Chris Sylvester, Logan French, Bailey Roseberry, Jack Holloway, and so many many more that I just can't remember, because my mind is going on and on. If you and me hang out, are friends in any kind of way. Or we just plain love each other like family, or any some random thing. This message is for you. I couldn't make it without you guys.

And to this I say. Let's live today like tomorrows our last.
[27 May 2009 | Wednesday] 1:00 AM
As corney as it may sound, an entire summary of my year is in due order. I mean, not that it means everyone in the world is going to read it. Hell I don't even care anymore if anyone reads my blogs anymore. (It's a good sign, shows you all have lives.) It's good excercise for my brain, and it helps me weed out ideas that have just been coming in and out of this cluttered up mess called my brain. This year held alot of firsts. As do most years when you actually open up your eyes and look around you. Life is beautiful, and yeah this is coming from the man toting the words and darkness of a modern day teenage Edgar Allen Poe. Yeah yeah yeah, I've heard it all. XD. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's had his up and downs this entire year. There have been some fun times, some overly emotive and angry times, and some times that just don't add up with the pattern my life had been running. I can't say too much yet, because there is always room for error, and that's what a human life consists of. Trial, and error. Yin & Yang. It's encompassed throughout everything that we all know as human beings. Each step we take is either a triumph or a failure. We just have to get back up and take that failure and try to turn it into another triumph for the home team. You.

If this seems like a pep-talk to myself, it kind of is. Tomorrow's another and even more grand adventure that I just can't wait to indulge in. It's odd, I'm a more optimisitic person than most people think I am. Or at least, I am a more optimistic person than I let other people know that I am. Yeah, that sounds correct, or at least more convenient. Okay now that I'm done rambling on about things that I didn't even think I'd be rambling on, let me continue. This year I met very few, new people. I knew most of the people that I know now, but lets just say I never was truly friends with them or we had fallen away. And yeah, to say the least I've probably lost some friendships that have been imperative to me in the past. But High School is a defining point in a Human's development. We grow and change so rapidly everyone else can't keep up, and some people are left behind in the dust screaming. "WTF just happened here." And of course I look back, missing some of the relationships that have crumbled apart. Most of them haven't died, they just aren't as strong as they once were once upon a time. People like Danny, Trevor, Amy, Hannah, Rob, and a few other people who at the moment I just want to let know you mean a lot to me I'm just having one of those moments where I can't quite remember your names. So these guys I've known for awhile. (Surprisingly I knew who Trevor was just didn't know WHO he was.) We've grown closer as the time has gone on and well I know you guys more than I did at the beginning of this year. And well I was going somwhere with this but my short one track mind has just totally gone kerplunk.

Well what else is new? Right. Well I'll probably have more to say at a time when my brain isn't tumbling downard in a crazy worlwind of mixed emotions and crazy psycho uterrances. So... I bid you adu for now. Until further notice.
[22 May 2009 | Friday] 12:31 AM

The Wasteland Survival Guide – Introduction: “I Came, I Saw, I Kicked Ass”


More than a hero, more than a villian, I am a survivor.

click to enlargeSome call me an urban legend, the last damn hope for humanity, that kid from Vault 101. Others call me a fuckin' commie. And I'm fine with that, as long as I don't hear them say it with their jaw attached.

But you? You're just lucky. Lucky you're still alive. Lucky you can read. Lucky this book hasn't been turned into a carcass of mold like all the other books in this godforsaken hellhole. Lucky I have spare time. Lucky Moira made it worth my while to write this damn introduction for a survival guide. And especially lucky you haven't stepped into Megaton long enough to become Moira's little guinea pig. (And she’s lucky for not editing this out.)

But it doesn't matter how lucky you are, does it? You've seen the Wasteland, this man-made Apocalypse, this sorry-ass excuse of a history lesson we all have to live with. The landscape is dead, vacant, and rusted - a painting of paradise whose colors have faded into the murk of browns, greys, and dusty hues. The wind blows through the windows of the abandoned car, creeps around the corners of the broken street, and spreads the odor of anarchy through the ruins of the Lincoln Memorial.

Absolute freedom has bred absolute chaos. Raiders, slavers, mutants, mercs – they all want to rip your head off, and if they’re savvy enough, sell it to the highest bidder. Men are expendable. Women and children conceal weapons underneath their filthy garments. Soldiers weighed down by their metal power suits patrol the wastes like sulking, marauding ghosts. Human “ghouls” who have had their skin ripped off by the radiation live in fear of the smoothskin bigots. Civilization exists in tattered pockets in a world worn with war and natural, mindless cruelty.

click to enlargeWherever you run, there is no escape. You can run towards the ramshackle clinic for some healing stimpaks, run past the beggar who clings to the earth pleading for clean water, run from the Deathclaw that hungers for your tender thighs. But you can’t run from the truth, the hollow tragedy of the boy who slings his rifle over his small, rounded shoulders, of the girl in the pale pink skirt who tries to remember her murdered parents as she stares at the irradiated clouds in the sky, of two skeletons holding hands together on a rotted queen-sized bed while a radio sends a distress signal that continues to loop. You can hear the rhythm of the reality - the broken record on which it plays - that humanity has lost its optimism, for fear of hoping at all.

Radiation smothers everything life depends on. It’s in the food you eat, in the water you drink, and it probably pricks through your skin while you toss and turn in your sleep. Step close to a latent nuclear missile, munch on a couple of Sugar Bombs, or take a dive into the deceivingly clear river, and you can feel the radiation trickling up your spine. Gradually it saps your strength and willpower until you’re writhing on the floor and gasping for breath. Always carry some RadAway next to your stimpaks and keep a couple of preventative Rad-X in case you have no choice but to get your feet wet.

And that’s the crux of survival: Use common sense, accept the fact that this world has gone to shit, and deal with it. There are already enough worshippers of wackadoo religions, enough military kooks, enough “for the good of mankind” experiments, enough Nuka-Cola fanatics (one is all we need), and enough Buffout or Jet or whatever-can-be-popped junkies to justify why humankind is not worth saving. In other words, please don’t add to my body count.

In times like these, only until you’ve looked out for number one can you start looking out for number two or more. But I wouldn’t bother. Followers might have your back, either by choice or by contract, and they might take care of some raiders in the distance with a bit of shotgun diplomacy, but they’re too autonomous. You can’t tell them to use a stimpak. You can’t force them to use the better assault rifle you just picked up. You can’t jump off some rocky cliffs and expect them to do the same; no, they have to find a roundabout way that usually gets them killed. Just go solo and never look back.

click to enlargeIf you think I’m being egotistic, then you obviously don’t understand survival. Good or evil, savior or scourge, none of that matters if you’re dead. I don’t show any mercy, whether it’s a gang of idiotic ape-men, a don’t-have-time-to-name-it beast-fiend, or an insane scalpel-wielding old-timer. Yes, even grandma knows how to aim for the head - and so should you. Stop, concentrate, activate your V.A.T.S. system, shoot the limbs off your enemy, and then move on to the next fool.

And between shots, remember this well: fight, salvage, sell, repeat. Take whatever high-value junk you can find, anything that’s worth the weight. Ammo, stimpaks, medicinal “supplements”, frag mines, grenades, pre-war paper money, railway spikes, oven pilot lights - all of these can be traded in for a pile of bottle caps, the new currency of the country of garbage. Open every metal box, every first aid kit, every safe, every bag of mutilated organs, and if any of them are locked, even better.

Learning new perks and skills doesn’t just mean whacking the nearest jerk with a friendly baseball bat. Pick some locks, hack into security terminals, disarm any mines and traps, and "convince" people to tell you their secrets. Battles go to the well-prepared and the well-rounded, the road warriors who have the know-how to stay healthy and discover new places that even raiders have yet to touch.

And even if you ignore everything I’ve written so far, do yourself a favor: listen to Galaxy News Radio. Even if you think DJ Three Dog is a liberal heretic and think The Brotherhood of Steel are some overzealous paladins with an itchy trigger finger, it’s the only radio station that’s worth a damn. Go ahead and tune into the Enclave station if you want, but for those who live in reality and not in some preachy, patriotic, apple-pie paradise, the music alone is all you need. There’s nothing like decapitating a couple of smack-talking Super Mutants to the smooth voice of Billie Holiday – it’s the kind of scene cigarettes were made for. Three Dog will even throw in some rumors for you explorer-types and give a shout-out to your exploits. It’s called recognition and respect. So yes, please, holla’ at your dog.

click to enlargeBy now, you’re probably wondering about me, about the fairy tale of a boy who left the shelter of the Vault in search of his father. I’ll let you grab a couch to mull over my abandonment issues, anti-isolationist ideals, and my animus figure. But whatever you’ve heard hardly sums up my life. No sixty-second mythic summary - no heavy introduction in a survival guide - can compare to what I’ve seen, what I’ve heard, what I’ve decided to live.

That’s the beauty of survival, and this world of fallout: It feeds on adventure and breathes in freedom, yet it dreams of order and the safety of the Vault. I can describe it, explain it, tell it in finely chosen words, but I can never make you fully understand for as long as you sit and listen. But even if I die, I do not worry. There will come a time when you will seize that lever and open that metal door, and it is then I will return. And the Wasteland will greet you, the birth of a legend. For with you goes that kid from Vault 101 once more.